First of all, I love my husband VERY much. He's a wonderful man and a terriffic father. Lately, he's been about too much for me to bear, though.

Here are some examples of his behavior:

1. He texts me continuously throughout the day and if I don't text back quickly (even if I'm at work), he starts texting sad faces and asking why I'm mad at him or if I'm going to leave him.

2. He wants to know where I am every second of the day. If I don't tell him every move I make, he come home really despondent and quiet.

3. If I forget to tell him some insignificant detail, he becomes irritable. Example of this is that I forgot to tell him about a change in my schedule. He wanted to know where I was and what I was doing and why I didn't tell him.

4. He hates all of my friend's husbands. I try not to speak to any of them if we're all out at one of our children's functions, just not to cause him to be upset.

5. If I ever do go out with any of my girl friends, I have to deal with it for at least a week afterward. He tells me I'm never home, etc.

6. If I work any extra, he gets upset.

7. He always texts me, begging me not to ever leave him or cheat on him.

I have really tried to be understanding. I've tried being extra sweet when he gets like this, hoping that reassurance will make him realize that I do love him. I've tried sending him texts throughout the day just saying I love you. I try to plan times for us to be alone to spend more time together. I try to come in and sit with him and be close to him.

It seems though that the more I try, the worse he gets. The more I reassure him, the more reassurance he needs. Honestly, I have never given him any reason to believe that I'm going anywhere.

Lately, it's driving me insane. I get tired of trying to avoid situations to keep from setting him off. I get tired of avoiding social situations. I get tired of making excuses to my friends when they want me to do things with them. I get tired of telling him over and over that I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm honestly home all the time, unless I'm at work. I've been out with friends twice in the 5 years we've been married.

I know that a lot of the problem stems from my recent weight loss. Also, I'm the primary wage earner and that makes him feel insecure. He tells me all the time that he would die without me and that if I ever left him that he wouldn't be able to do anything.

I don't know how to handle this anymore. I tried getting him to go to counseling, but that made everything so much worse. He refused (pride) and has now used that a basis for his belief that our marriage will fail. (Why would I want to go to counseling if nothing were wrong? And if something's wrong, then I'm going to leave him)

I don't want to leave. I don't want to give him an ultimatum. I want him to be more confident and secure. I want him to realize that he's a wonderful person and that I'm attracted to him and love him. And I tell him this all the time.

Life is just so much easier when I try to avoid any situation that sets things off with him, but I'm so tired of working so hard at it every single second of every day. I'm tired of waking up and constantly worrying about making him upset.

Please please help before I go completely nuts!

To me it sounds like he's doing the "look at one hand while the other does something else".

I think HE'S the one doing something.

Have YOU ever given him reason to think that you are capable to cheat or just be untrusted?

Really, I've been through this before and I can tell you this. If he wants to know your every move and is overly jealous it's because HE is up to something.

Either he is SUPER insecure OR he is doing something!

YOU need to TALK to him. This is SERIOUS! You are walking on eggshells and that is NOT fair. Wait not only is it NOT fair but that is NOT how a relationship, or a marriage, should work.

Seek marital counselling please! You need it-- wait the BOTH of you need it.

He may not be cheating but behind all this I can promise you there is some weird issue.

Keep us posted! Good luck!

I have considered this. I have wondered the same thing. I was married before and went through it and know what to look for (generally speaking).

The only thing that makes me feel as though he isn't is that I honestly know where he is every second of the day, though it's not because I'm trying to keep tabs on him.

He is a co-manager with my mother and sister. On the days he works, he is with one of them. On one of his days off, he has both of our children. His other day off is with me. He never leaves the house except to go to work. When he does leave, we go together. He is either at work or at home or with me all the time.

I think that this may be part of the problem. He feels lonely. He moved here when we married and left behind all of his family and friends. He has only one friend here and they work different shifts so they really don't see each other much. I feel terrible that he seems to be so sad all the time.

He does have a history of depression. He told me that if he had not met me that he would probably not be alive today. He has told my mother (who he is actually close with... has said that she's like his own mom now) that I saved him.

I have a friend that I have talked with about this problem and she's suggested that the four of us get together so that maybe our husbands will click (she has a similar, not nearly as severe, problem).

I do love him. I feel responsible for everything because I feel like he would at least be around his family and friends had he not met me. When we go back to visit, he is just SO much happier, but then says that his life is here now and he doesn't want to move back.

I really want to make things better, but it's just so emotionally draining. He is so dependent on me. I want to be there for him, but sometimes I'm just physically tired...

This man needs to GO OUT!

If he is being loyal to you as you say then obviously it IS because he is lonely.

He really needs to go out socialize. Go to the bar and meet some dudes and watch UFC [if he's into that]. Join a hockey team [if he's into that]-- do something that he can do to help his self esteem.

I would also suggest some therapy. Being dependent on someone is not very healthy and he needs professional help to overcome that.

I know! I completely agree. I try to get him to go out all the time. When he did go out occasionally with his friend, he didn't act this way.

Should I just continue to try to make him feel better and keep encouraging him to find a hobby and make some friends? He works all the time and every weekend, so he doesn't have a lot of time to do anything.

I just feel so bad for complaining about him because he really is sweet and good to me. I'm just being completely SMOTHERED right now.

And thanks so much for taking the time to talk and offer advice :)

I do not think he is cheating either. But your life is narrowing down to nothing. You cannot live like this. (I personally would go bonkers if someone did to me what he's doing to you!)

Yes he needs a life besides work and he kids. The problem is that he is so paranoid now that if you try to get him out, he will probably think you are trying to get rid of him. How about if you two do something together once a week, like take a salsa class together. I don't know something that will really get him in another space? I'm hoping that something like that could be the wedge that gets him out of his unhappy head. Just a thought.

A activity/date night. Something social would be good. Sounds like some interaction with some well adjusted adults and peers would be the ticket. You both could find having associates besides your family is quite enjoyable and very much needed. It could open doors to his dependent mind. One can only hope. I too would go Crazy if I had to deal with his problem day after day.
If in time things don't improve, Make him and yourself an appointment with a therapist. Is he doing anything for his depression? Does he self medicate? This could make things worse, or be one of the causes.
Take Care

I know! I completely agree. I try to get him to go out all the time. When he did go out occasionally with his friend, he didn't act this way.

Should I just continue to try to make him feel better and keep encouraging him to find a hobby and make some friends? He works all the time and every weekend, so he doesn't have a lot of time to do anything.

Yes you should! When there is a will there is a way. Even if it's every Sunday night both you and him get a sitter and go out and do something you both like:
-movies
-mini golf
-bar
-theater
-some class [cooking, tantric yoga... ]


I just feel so bad for complaining about him because he really is sweet and good to me. I'm just being completely SMOTHERED right now.

And thanks so much for taking the time to talk and offer advice :)

Well you should be complaining. Even if he is bored out of his mind or lonely he shouldn't behave this way.

You do need to talk about this. Him being overly jealous and controlling is not right- this isn't 1932.

You need to set him straight- if you have not given him a reason to not trust you then I don't really see the issue with you speaking to other men-- it's not like your going to sleep with them or start having some sort of secret affair.

He needs to back off-- I'm sure you saw a few red flags along the way and just let them pass. You need to definitely put your foot down.

Good luck!

I think that you need to put the responsibility back where it belongs. Onto him. He needs to be the one dealing with his issues - not you.

You're pussyfooting around the real issue here - he is dependent, insecure and jealous. If he continues this way, he's well on the way to destroying not only your marriage and also the love you have for him, but most importantly, the respect you have for him.

His behavior is in it's own way, extremely controlling. You've had to modify your life so as to not upset him. And now, you're distressed.

I think that you need to be honest and clear with him. You don't have to be harsh, but you must gently let him know that his behavior is threatening your relationship. You need to ask him to take responsibility for the way he behaves. It's simply not sustainable for him to continue this way. Ask him how he intends to deal with something that is making YOU unhappy. Does he care that you're unhappy?

By all means go to salsa classes, make time together, etc, etc (all good suggestions), but all of these are band-aid measures - the real issue is HIM.

It's time to cut to the chase - he needs to get PROFESSIONAL help, and get a real job. He needs to start doing things for himself that support his masculinity and sustain your marriage. If he cares about your marriage and wants to ensure that it continues then it's time for him to CONTRIBUTE to it.

Don't let his passive aggressive behavior convince you otherwise.

I think that you need to put the responsibility back where it belongs. Onto him. He needs to be the one dealing with his issues - not you.

You're pussyfooting around the real issue here - he is dependent, insecure and jealous. If he continues this way, he's well on the way to destroying not only your marriage and also the love you have for him, but most importantly, the respect you have for him.

His behavior is in it's own way, extremely controlling. You've had to modify your life so as to not upset him. And now, you're distressed.

I think that you need to be honest and clear with him. You don't have to be harsh, but you must gently let him know that his behavior is threatening your relationship. You need to ask him to take responsibility for the way he behaves. It's simply not sustainable for him to continue this way. Ask him how he intends to deal with something that is making YOU unhappy. Does he care that you're unhappy?

By all means go to salsa classes, make time together, etc, etc (all good suggestions), but all of these are band-aid measures - the real issue is HIM.

It's time to cut to the chase - he needs to get PROFESSIONAL help, and get a real job. He needs to start doing things for himself that support his masculinity and sustain your marriage. If he cares about your marriage and wants to ensure that it continues then it's time for him to CONTRIBUTE to it.

Don't let his passive aggressive behavior convince you otherwise.

Had to spread the rep.

I believe counselling, a good conversation between the couple AND doing the small things should all be done.

The way he is treating her is not only just wrong but it's just unacceptable.

He does need to "man up" or else she needs to walk away from this dead end marriage. I wouldn't want to stay in a marriage like this-- it just gets worse. I know so. It can go from controlling to abusive! At one point, if you don't "listen" to him he starts getting physical or emotionally blackmailing you "If you don't do this I will ______" or "You don't love me if you ______". And it doesn't have to be a punch in the face it could be as simple as a pinch. For example, your out with friends, you say something "wrong" and bam you get a pinch.

So yep, Gem you are correcto-mando.

Greenie for you

Had to spread the rep.

I believe counselling, a good conversation between the couple AND doing the small things should all be done.

The way he is treating her is not only just wrong but it's just unacceptable.

He does need to "man up" or else she needs to walk away from this dead end marriage. I wouldn't want to stay in a marriage like this-- it just gets worse. I know so. It can go from controlling to abusive! At one point, if you don't "listen" to him he starts getting physical or emotionally blackmailing you "If you don't do this I will ______" or "You don't love me if you ______". And it doesn't have to be a punch in the face it could be as simple as a pinch. For example, your out with friends, you say something "wrong" and bam you get a pinch.

So yep, Gem you are correcto-mando.

Greenie for you

Hey Muddy, thanks for that - you really make me laugh-o !

I like your sense of humor - and you're right about the abuse - but it doesn't have to be physical even, just the huge green eyed monster he's constantly waving in her face...

A activity/date night. Something social would be good. Sounds like some interaction with some well adjusted adults and peers would be the ticket. You both could find having associates besides your family is quite enjoyable and very much needed. It could open doors to his dependent mind. One can only hope. I too would go Crazy if I had to deal with his problem day after day.
If in time things dont improve, Make him and yourself an appointment with a therapist. Is he doing anything for his depression? Does he self medicate? This could make things worse, or be one of the causes.
Take Care

I do agree with this. We never have any couple time. Part of that is my fault. I have a lot of guilt about leaving my children because I work such long hours. I really have to find a way to let this go because I do know that ultimately it will make us all a happier family if things between my husband and I improve. If he can find a way to get some security, then he won't be so moody and melancholy all the time and the children will be happier as well. I do know that the issue is his, but I really feel like if there's a way to look at myself and see if there are things that I could improve upon (such as being OK with leaving the children with a sitter) then maybe both of us will be happier. Thanks for the advice :)

A activity/date night. Something social would be good. Sounds like some interaction with some well adjusted adults and peers would be the ticket. You both could find having associates besides your family is quite enjoyable and very much needed. It could open doors to his dependent mind. One can only hope. I too would go Crazy if I had to deal with his problem day after day.
If in time things dont improve, Make him and yourself an appointment with a therapist. Is he doing anything for his depression? Does he self medicate? This could make things worse, or be one of the causes.
Take Care

You know, I'm actually a medical professional and have talked to him about taking an anti-depressant. I wouldn't prescribe anything for him, of course, but one of my colleagues would be more than happy to meet with him and find something that would work for him. I really think that an anti-depressant such as Lexapro or Celexa would help. Maybe it would even help him to see that it is possible to feel better and he would be more open to the idea of professional counseling.

As far as self-medicating, he rarely drinks and typically has only a few on social occasions. He has never taken any kind of anxiolytic or anything like that. When we met he was actually on a drinking binge that had spanned several days because he was depressed after the death of his father. I didn't find this out until much later. He hasn't cared much for drinking since. He says that this is how I "saved" him. He was on a self destructive path. However, at the same time, I honestly feel that he harbors some resentment (even if he isn't completely aware of it) about being away from his family and friends at home. I try to encourage visits, but with our work schedules it's difficult to get away for more than a few days and he feels that this isn't long enough to be more than just a bother.

He needs to back off-- I'm sure you saw a few red flags along the way and just let them pass. You need to definately put your foot down.

Good luck!

You're exactly right about that. I did see red flags and kept thinking that it would get better. I tried to just let it go... not sweat the small stuff, but now the small stuff has become the proverbial elephant in the room, and again, I have partial blame in that I've allowed it to continue.

I think that you need to put the responsibility back where it belongs. Onto him. He needs to be the one dealing with his issues - not you.

You're pussyfooting around the real issue here - he is dependent, insecure and jealous. If he continues this way, he's well on the way to destroying not only your marriage and also the love you have for him, but most importantly, the respect you have for him.

His behavior is in it's own way, extremely controlling. You've had to modify your life so as to not upset him. And now, you're distressed.

I think that you need to be honest and clear with him. You don't have to be harsh, but you must gently let him know that his behavior is threatening your relationship. You need to ask him to take responsibility for the way he behaves. It's simply not sustainable for him to continue this way. Ask him how he intends to deal with something that is making YOU unhappy. Does he care that you're unhappy?

By all means go to salsa classes, make time together, etc, etc (all good suggestions), but all of these are band-aid measures - the real issue is HIM.

It's time to cut to the chase - he needs to get PROFESSIONAL help, and get a real job. He needs to start doing things for himself that support his masculinity and sustain your marriage. If he cares about your marriage and wants to ensure that it continues then it's time for him to CONTRIBUTE to it.

Don't let his passive aggressive behavior convince you otherwise.

You're exactly right and I appreciate the candid advice. We have discussed some of these issues, but I am honestly afraid that if I tell him that his behavior is a threat to our marriage, then he will become worse. In my mind, he'll then have something to cling to, words from me, that there is an actual threat. That's why I haven't be as forthright as I should.

He does need to get a real job. We have discussed that at length. I am honestly trying not to make excuses, but there are other issues at hand. He desperately wants to go back to school and get a degree. He has a lot of insecurity in that I have a professional degree and he feels that he isn't "good enough" for me. I have told him over and over that this is absolutely not true and that I love him for the person he is and not his career. My only issue with working is that I would like for him to have a career that allows him more flexibility with his schedule so that we can have more time together as a family. The problem is that he feels a responsibility to my mother as she is having a lot of problems with her business. He actually is a huge help to her and he wants to help and be there for my family. She is completely unaware of this, however. I've told him that we are financially secure enough for him to take a part time job and resume his academic goals. We have even looked into some online programs, fully acredited, that would be a benefit.

He is in real need of professional help. He has so many issues that I have tried talking to him about, but he usually closes himself up when I try to say anything. He had a rather difficult childhood and has some deep seated fears of abandonment.

Thanks for your advice and I will definitely have a serious talk with him and try to be completely honest.

He does need to "man up" or else she needs to walk away from this dead end marriage. I wouldn't want to stay in a marriage like this-- it just gets worse. I know so. It can go from controlling to abusive! At one point, if you don't "listen" to him he starts getting physical or emotionally blackmailing you "If you don't do this I will ______" or "You don't love me if you ______". And it doesn't have to be a punch in the face it could be as simple as a pinch. For example, your out with friends, you say something "wrong" and bam you get a pinch.

So yep, Gem you are correcto-mando.

Greenie for you

I agree that he needs to make some changes and take some responsibility for himself. I would have such a hard time even thinking about walking away, though, until I know that I have done everything that I possibly can to help him and that every resource has been exhausted. The only way I ever could is if I knew that he had no desire to work on things and to improve.

I think that if I have an open and honest conversation with him and let him know just how much his behavior is affecting me, that he will do what he needs to do to make it better. As I said before, most of the time, I just let things go and do what I can to avoid anything that will rock the boat. I tend to be the kind of person that wants to please everyone and in doing that, I've let this continue to the point where I'm unhappy. If he really knew how much all of this was upsetting me, I think it would get better. He probably has no idea that I'm miserable when he does these things.

Does any of that make sense? I'm definitely not saying that this is my fault because as others have said, this is HIS issue. I'm just saying that I at least have some partial blame for not being completely honest with him.

I do agree with this. We never have any couple time. Part of that is my fault. I have a lot of guilt about leaving my children because I work such long hours. I really have to find a way to let this go because I do know that ultimately it will make us all a happier family if things between my husband and I improve. If he can find a way to get some security, then he won't be so moody and melancholy all the time and the children will be happier as well. I do know that the issue is his, but I really feel like if there's a way to look at myself and see if there are things that I could improve upon (such as being OK with leaving the children with a sitter) then maybe both of us will be happier. Thanks for the advice :)

Couple time is very important to men. I did not have a great marriage (abuse) but one of things that was good was going out once a week for dinner and a walk or a movie. That's it. We left the kids with a sitter every Sunday evening without fail and had some time together. I think that kept our marriage going for several more years. When our favorite restaurant closed, we got divorced!

You absolutely must leave the kids with a sitter. I have heard a lot of this lately, of couples who never leave their kids. This doesn't do the kids any good. They will be fine with a sitter. In fact, if you have a cheerful teen, they may look forward to your going out so they can have quality time with the sitter, who will bring new energy into the house. Do it!

He desperately wants to go back to school and get a degree. ... The problem is that he feels a responsibility to my mother as she is having a lot of problems with her business. He actually is a huge help to her and he wants to help and be there for my family. She is completely unaware of this, however. ... He had a rather difficult childhood and has some deep seated fears of abandonment.


I agree, he needs to work some of this out. One thing that jumped out at me is that he has such a strong need to feel needed that he is willing to jeopardize his own goals (going back to school). If that sounds right to you, that might be something to bring out in the open with him. It sounds like he does not feel needed. (And I'm not blaming you for that.)

I agree, he needs to work some of this out. One thing that jumped out at me is that he has such a strong need to feel needed that he is willing to jeopardize his own goals (going back to school). If that sounds right to you, that might be something to bring out in the open with him. It sounds like he does not feel needed. (And I'm not blaming you for that.)

You really hit the nail on the head with that one. I hadn't even considered that as being part of the equation. He has told me before that one of the reasons he worries about me leaving is because he knows I'd be just fine without him. Maybe it could be a little bit because of me. I'm a VERY independent person, almost too a fault

I think its time to be brutaly honest and tell him, that his ways are driving you crazy, and pi$$ing you off. Then tell him you love him, and want to find a solution where you both can be happy.

Don't feel guilty for doing what you have to so he pays attention, Just once you get his attention, talk to him like a distressed loving wife.

I think that's been the problem, you haven't figured out how to get his attention, and expressed you distress in a way he can understand.

He may be shocked at first, but stand pat, and guide him through to a solution. That's what communications is about, and you have to make him "hear' you.

His insecurity and neediness is very anti-Attraction.
When his life is focus on you... it is also very un-Attractive.

Tell him to Read, "Ways of a Superior Man" by David Deida.
It will tell him why he needs a goal in his life other than you.
Audiobook version is available.

This neediness will cause you to disrespect him.

Did you recently changed the way you look? Or lose weight?

Never mind... I just read the other half of your post...
Anyway, your situation was very similar to mine... my wife went from a size 14 to size 4.
She started having girls night out and eventually cheated on me.

What he is doing is very negative to the relationship... in which I did too... There is no convincing him.
Talk to him and since you try that already... Get him to read your post and the book.

Yes. She said she lost weight.
I don't think this guy is in any danger of becoming superior to the OP.
Self reliant and confidant enough to get through the day would be a good start.

First of all, I love my husband VERY much. He's a wonderful man and a terriffic father. Lately, he's been about too much for me to bear, though.

Here are some examples of his behavior:

1. He texts me continuously throughout the day and if I don't text back quickly (even if I'm at work), he starts texting sad faces and asking why I'm mad at him or if I'm going to leave him.

2. He wants to know where I am every second of the day. If I don't tell him every move I make, he come home really despondent and quiet.

3. If I forget to tell him some insignificant detail, he becomes irritable. Example of this is that I forgot to tell him about a change in my schedule. He wanted to know where I was and what I was doing and why I didn't tell him.

4. He hates all of my friend's husbands. I try not to speak to any of them if we're all out at one of our children's functions, just not to cause him to be upset.

5. If I ever do go out with any of my girl friends, I have to deal with it for at least a week afterward. He tells me I'm never home, etc.

6. If I work any extra, he gets upset.

7. He always texts me, begging me not to ever leave him or cheat on him.

I have really tried to be understanding. I've tried being extra sweet when he gets like this, hoping that reassurance will make him realize that I do love him. I've tried sending him texts throughout the day just saying I love you. I try to plan times for us to be alone to spend more time together. I try to come in and sit with him and be close to him.

It seems though that the more I try, the worse he gets. The more I reassure him, the more reassurance he needs. Honestly, I have never given him any reason to believe that I'm going anywhere.

Lately, it's driving me insane. I get tired of trying to avoid situations to keep from setting him off. I get tired of avoiding social situations. I get tired of making excuses to my friends when they want me to do things with them. I get tired of telling him over and over that I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm honestly home all the time, unless I'm at work. I've been out with friends twice in the 5 years we've been married.

I know that a lot of the problem stems from my recent weight loss. Also, I'm the primary wage earner and that makes him feel insecure. He tells me all the time that he would die without me and that if I ever left him that he wouldn't be able to do anything.

I don't know how to handle this anymore. I tried getting him to go to counseling, but that made everything so much worse. He refused (pride) and has now used that a basis for his belief that our marriage will fail. (Why would I want to go to counseling if nothing were wrong? And if something's wrong, then I'm going to leave him)

I don't want to leave. I don't want to give him an ultimatum. I want him to be more confident and secure. I want him to realize that he's a wonderful person and that I'm attracted to him and love him. And I tell him this all the time.

Life is just so much easier when I try to avoid any situation that sets things off with him, but I'm so tired of working so hard at it every single second of every day. I'm tired of waking up and constantly worrying about making him upset.

Please please help before i go completely nuts!

I can't imagine having to live like this. It's almost like he's your third child.
He needs to get a grip, and get some help.

This behavior is sad.

I think that you should print out your question, as written above, and let him see what it is that he is doing, how much you love him, that you don't want to leave him, and that all you want is your sanity back.

Life is simply too short to walk on eggshells.

Good luck to you.

Yes. She said she lost weight.
I don't think this guy is in any danger of becoming superior to the OP.
Self reliant and confidant enough to get through the day would be a good start.



Well, I know where his frame of mind is.
He needs help.

Yes, he needs to be confidence and self respect.

I am 2 years ahead of the path he is taking.
I understand his anger.

Heck, have him PM me... I will tell him what to do.

SVImager,
Have you already posted about how you got into that state and how you got out? Can you give the link here? If not, a summary here might be helpful to the OP.

Just to alert everyone, SVImager believes that men should be dominant and women should be submissive, know their place.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/other-member-discussions/woman-rights-activist-me-screaming-403623.html

That's not what the OP needs.

To the OP. Your husband has placed you in a bubble, one of these days that bubble will pop, either because of him, or because you're tired of being in a bubble.

Counseling is really your best bet. It's time to get this out in the open. You can't be afraid to hurt him by telling him how you feel. If you keep holding this in then your marriage will be destroyed because sooner or later you'll throw in the towel because you've had enough.

Talk to him, go to therapy, work on your marriage.

Good luck.

Oh. You mean like this?


I have come to the conclusion 50/50 marriages and the natural order of martial relationships, is that the MAN has to be the Leader of the household. Women's right (on the extreme level) is actually bad for a marriage... just as the extreme case of abuse by a man in the relationship.

I believe we tipped the scale over too much in the mind's of man, in which their template is that of a whimp, chump, Nice Guy. Someone a woman will eventually cheat on, because of the lack of a man in her life/ shoulder to cry on. Let's face it, a Man and a Woman are not created equal. Her needs and his needs are totally different in a relationship. Her for needing security and the constant reassurance of "do you Love me?" His for needing respect, no matter how many times he has failed.

Sorry, I was not up on this.
I like "martial relationships." So apropos!

Here's for more respect for women and more reassurance for husbands.

I have come to the conclusion 50/50 marriages and the natural order of martial relationships, is that the MAN has to be the Leader of the household. Women's right (on the extreme level) is actually bad for a marriage... just as the extreme case of abuse by a man in the relationship.

I believe we tipped the scale over too much in the mind's of man, in which their template is that of a whimp, chump, Nice Guy. Someone a woman will eventually cheat on, because of the lack of a man in her life/ shoulder to cry on. Let's face it, a Man and a Woman are not created equal. Her needs and his needs are totally different in a relationship. Her for needing security and the constant reassurance of "do you Love me?" His for needing respect, no matter how many times he has failed.


Relax ladies, no real man buys this gobble-d-goop!!

Relax ladies, no real man buys this gobble-d-goop!!

Relax, T! We know that. :)

Oops, did I open a can of worms? :o

Sorry. :(

Back to the OP.

Back to the corner for me. :o :(

I wanted to stop back in and tell all of you THANK YOU! I appreciated all of the advice and concern.

I also wanted to give you an update. Last night I had the perfect opportunity to talk with my husband about my concerns. He came home and was depressed about a change at work, thinking that we would be unable to have any time together.

I took a deep breath and told him that he had to realize that he was responsible for his own happiness. I told him that life was too short to be unhappy. I also told him that he had to stop making excuses about work interfering with him being able to go to school. I told him that if he wanted to change careers he would have to make some sacrifices of his time and do something about it. He tried to say that he worked too many difficult hours and that he wouldn't be able to do it. I told him that he could use the time that he was playing around on the computer to do school instead. I also told him that he was just making excuses. He said that he needed me to help him get started. I told him that it was something he would have to be involved in. If he needed me to help him, he would have to sit down with me and figure it out together. I told him that he couldn't just sit around and wait for something to fall in his lap and that he couldn't expect me to do it all for him.

So, he's going to do it! We're going to sit down together tonight and get it all together. At first he rolled his eyes a lot and told me I'd been watching too much Dr. Phil, but when he realized I was serious, he realized that I was right and he's going to do something about it.

We also talked about him questioning me all the time about where I am. I told him that it was making me crazy. He said that he trusts me and knows that I would never do anything that would hurt him. He said that a lot of the times when he asks me about where I am and what I'm doing it's because he feels like he's not a part of my life and that it feels like we're leading different lives. He said that all of the things that I do with the kids makes him feel bad because he's at work and not a part of family activities. I told him that it was just one more reason that he should be determined to finish up with school.

Then we talked about him constantly questioning the stability of our relationship. I told him that the constant worry and need for reassurance was draining me. I told him that it would eventually drive us apart and me away. At first, he did just exactly what I though and said that me saying things like that really made him think that our relationship was in trouble. I stood my ground though and told him that I love him and the reason that I'm telling him all this IS because I love him. I told him that I want our relationship to be as strong as possible and it can't be if I'm not able to be honest with him. He said he was sorry for making things hard on me. He told me that he would really try to work on it. I also told him that he had to stop worrying about who I'm talking to. I told him that if he trusts me, then he shouldn't be worried at all. He fought back a little on this one, but I eventually got through to him.

After the whole conversation, he seemed so much better. He seemed happy that we had a plan together. He seemed more like the man I first married. He didn't text me once today while I was at work. He's texted me a few times tonight from his work, but not anything about his insecurities.

We're also planning to go out of town together next weekend. I actually called and asked someone to watch the kids.

I think I just needed someone to push me in the right direction. I appreciate all the advice from everyone. Thanks so much once again!

That's wonderful news.

I'm so glad that the two of you talked.

I wish you all the best.

Keep us posted. :)

Oh. You mean like this?


Quote:
I have come to the conclusion 50/50 marriages and the natural order of martial relationships, is that the MAN has to be the Leader of the household. Women's right (on the extreme level) is actually bad for a marriage.... just as the extreme case of abuse by a man in the relationship.

I believe we tipped the scale over too much in the mind's of man, in which their template is that of a whimp, chump, Nice Guy. Someone a woman will eventually cheat on, because of the lack of a man in her life/ shoulder to cry on. Let's face it, a Man and a Woman are not created equal. Her needs and his needs are totally different in a relationship. Her for needing security and the constant reassurance of "do you Love me?" His for needing respect, no matter how many times he has failed.


Sorry, I was not up on this.
I like "martial relationships." So apropos!

Here's for more respect for women and more reassurance for husbands.



I still stand by my statement.

What you people don't know is still what you don't know.
I didn't invent these ideas.
I was searching for reasons my wife cheated on me.
That was my approach to the problem.

I am not an expert on marriages, either... but I am not going to give the same reasoning as these other posters... like do more communications or more loving or more housework or more sharing or more thought sharing... after the "usual" solution what is next if the problem is still there or has gotten worse?

If you are not from this point of view you wouldn't understand.
The OP's husband would understand what I am talking about because I was there...

Jmjoseph... in your marriage... you were not in the position I was in, nor are you in the OP's husband position, especially with a Flight Attendant wife. I hope to God, you never have to know what is the feeling of having your family slowly slipping away from you... knowing you are doing everything right from everyday making everybody breakfast, packing their lunches, and making dinner, doing more than a fair share of cleaning the house and doing open communications and Agape Love (unconditional Love) and so on. Hey, if you marriage is working... don't change what you are doing. Be that great husband and Nice guy.



You guys can knock down my information (or me) all you want... but I am not here for you. I am here to share with others who need information other than the "Can"... "Current Popular" beliefs for a successful marriage (that might have worked for you).


Also, I didn't pose the original question... Our marriage counselors (husband and wife team) sponsored by my church asked... "what is going on? After 20 years of counseling, a phenomenon is happening. Before, Women was almost always the one asking for the husband to come to the session and now it is the other way around."

Your standard answers don't address this trend.
My answer is "The male role" has changed. This society dictates, He has to be in the delivery room otherwise he is not a good husband. I am not saying this is a bad thing or a good thing... I am just stating how things have subversively changed.

I didn't invent this answer either... it is from a group of single men who knows how to date women... and they are very good at it. They don't know everything... like they don't understand the bases for a long term relationship. That still baffles them. To them housewives are the easiest targets. (look if you are offended stop reading, I was offended too in the beginning... I am not here for a popularity contest). So, I asked Why... and applied what I had learn from other Relationship courses.

Of course, (duh) a feminist will not like what I have to say... because his or her point of view is from the other side of the spectrum. I respect the feminist movement and have supported it in the past. I just feel it has outlive its time and right now it has pushed too much to the other extreme. Like the saying... too much of anything is never good.

What is the cost?
More divorced families.
More dysfunctional families.
More kids in step families.

I understand the step family is the norm... please don't beat me up with this if your step family is working for you and is the greatest...

Enough of these personal attacks, and be warned that arguing someone opinion is useless, as this isn't a debate. You want to debate, start your own thread in members discussion, or PM each other.

Don't hijack another's thread with the personal stuff.

Thread is closed!!