I am 31, and my husband is 39, I met him when I was 18 when I was visiting U.S from Europe, and I knew from the start he has control and jealousy issues with tendency to be abusive, but I got pregnant right away (he was my first man) and our child was born with many rare health problems, and goes through operations almost every year. I felt I need him, and even though I caught him cheating many times I stayed. Although he alienated me from my friends (I have none for 13 years) and I feel lonely, and with no freedom, I do love him, and he can be sweet and loving most of the times. The money is another issue, he makes good money, and I live in his house and drive his car, but he won't give me money for groceries (I have some odd jobs but they are not enough so I end up asking my parents for money from their country) I know he has power in finances, and I don't know how I would start over, having no friends or relatives in this country. I feel very suicidal when he is mean to me because I know I have no way out, and feel like I need his love, but when he is good to me I am clinging to that moments even though there is always fear of what mood he is going to be. Over the years I analyzed my situation over and over again, read many help and psychology books, but I feel stuck. I know I am in a cycle and it is a pattern I took from my childhood (my father was abusive to my mother) but how to go beyond just analyzing? I know I seem chaotic, and am sorry, sometimes I think even though I would have means to move out, I wouldn't do it, because I feel so emotionally rapped around that I feel unable to function. What to do?

You need to get out ASAP.

You've already lost all your independence to this man.

You need to get out of your slump as soon as possible. You're self-esteem is so low. Can you live with your parents for a while? You really learn to build back your own life. Have your own friends. Be emotionally detached from your husband. Build your own life independent from your husband.

It's not too late to find yourself again, but you need to have some courrage to pick yourself up and get out.

Have you gone to get professional help?

Once you've found yourself again, you can consider whether it's feasible to continue to a marriage with this man. But you really need to find yourself first.

You've got a type of Stockholm Syndrome.

You stay with an abuser because occasionally they are nice and because they have made you totally dependent on them. You understand the issues, but are paralyzed when it comes to making a decision.

Go and see a professional counselor. You must speak to someone about your situation and begin to make plans for removing yourself from it.

Make the decision to do it and take it one small step at a time. Plan it in advance. If your parents send you money then you can ask them to send you money to get out.

There is still a chance for peace and happiness, but you must make the chocie to take it.

Find a local Battered Womans Shelter. They have trained counselors and can help you turn thoughts into actions. Do this on your own, without his knowledge.

LEAVE, RUN and get a good Lawyer... if you are living in America.

What country are you in?
I would definitely found out what is the divorce laws in the country you live in.