Ok, so I realize this question has been asked here in similar forms, but I'm going to post anyway. I'm sort of at the end of my rope and I don't know what to do.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. We had sort of a whirlwind romance - fell in love pretty quickly, and moved in after dating for 7 or 8 months. It might seem fast, but we are older (late 30's) and it felt right for both of us. We were / are (not so sure anymore) very much in love. Prior to moving in together, we had sex regularly - 5-7 times a week, usually. Things were amazing.

Since we moved in together, things have changed dramatically. He has been sort of unemployed since I met him - this meaning he works, but the field he works in does contract jobs and he is not working full time and even has weeks where he doesn't work at all. It wasn't a huge issue for either of us until right before we moved in together. Money was starting to become a huge issue for him, and he was angry and depressed. We stopped having sex nearly as much. Without going too much into detail, this has all gotten progressively worse over the past few months. We have sex about once a week on average, and I can't remember the last time he initiated anything sexual with me - it's all been me. He doesn't even make out with me or kiss me passionately anymore. He IS super affectionate - cuddling, hugging, kissing, holding my hand, and telling me that he loves me. He tells me all the time that all of the problems (sexual and otherwise) have absolutely nothing to do with me - that it's about not working, not having money, and not having a plan for his future. He says that it is all he can think about, and that sex, romance and inimacy are the last things he can be concerned with right now. He thinks I am being selfish and unfair, and just basically doesn't every want to talk about our problems.

I just don't know what to do. I feel terrible. I hate the effect this is all having on me. I love this man so much, but the lack of intimacy on his part is starting to make me feel rejected and undesirable. I've initiated sex just about every time we've had it for the past three months. I'm at the point where I just don't want to anymore. I want to feel desire and passion and intimacy from him again.

I know the fact that I am hurting is hurting him too. He will talk about it to a point, so it's not like we haven't talked about it, but he doesn't like to. He tells me that I just have to be patient and let things work themselves out. I'm just scared to sit back and wait for things to get better. I'm really hurting. Although he tells me that he loves me, I'm worried that he just doesn't anymore. He says all the time how pretty and sexy he thinks I am, and that he is the luckiest guy in the world. His words just don't match up with his actions.

I know it probably sounds like I'm a self-centered person from this post, but I don't think that I am. I have stood by him and supported him throughout all of this. I do everything I can to let him know that I love him and I am proud of how hard he is trying. I acknowledge that what he is going through is difficult, and that I am there for him in anyway he needs me to be. He says he doesn't want to break up, but that I just need to understand that things have changed for right now and he is only capable of giving so much right now.

I have admitted to myself that I am not getting what I want or need from this, but I do love him and I don't want to lose him. What should I do? Will things ever get better? Is it possible for us to get back the spark and connection we once had? If things with his job situation get better, is it possible for him to feel desire for me again, or is that a lost cause?

I am sorry no one has not answered you yet, And I am sure there will be a lot better answers coming.

Too many men relate working and income with "being a man" and when they are living with someone, if the other person makes more then them and they have to depend on their income, that makes them feel like they are not 'doing their job"

Sometimes counseling can help, as can finding him other things to do, and making sure he knows how thankful you are for him helping.

And if this work is slow, he should tryand find other work to help fill in

Have you tried backing off?

Seriously... stress is the biggest libido killer out there. He's probably telling you the truth.

Why does how much he cares for you have to be shown in bed? Seriously--you NEED to back off and have faith in him, or you're just going to make it worse. How much a person wants to have sex with you has NOTHING to do with how much a person cares for you.

There are many things that will cause a lack of sexual appetite, unemployment being one. A death in the family, letters from the bank, stress when you are working, etc. That's life. When the one you love goes through something that turns their life upside down, and they clearly tell you that is causing a lack of sexual desire, just accept it for what it is, and as synnen said, back off. Any major change in a person's life doesn't just change their sexual appetitte, it changes everything.

I think you are a bit immature to expect that he should be able to compartmentalize his problems, then put them on a shelf somewhere, and concentrate only on initiating sex with you more often than he does, and not be affected by everything else. Yes, that is selfish in my opinion, and you clearly put your needs ahead of his.

You have little understanding after a year, what will you be like in 10 years, 20, 30.

Do you love him or his body?

Yes, you have needs and I am sure he does too. Right now it sounds like he needs the emotional support that cuddling and such can give, instead of sex which brings all kinds of stresses of its own like the fear of an unexpected pregnancy.

Don't allow your fear to make you insecure about how he feels. He isn't fighting with you over nothing in an attempt to drive you away. He isn't shutting you out like so many people who are depressed do to those they love. He is still involved in the relationship and that speaks volumes for how he feels about you.

Try showing affection without expectations of intercourse. Take the pressure to perform out of the equation. Relax together. One measure of a strong relationship is the ability to just enjoy each other's company.

Thanks for the feedback, although some of it seemed a bit harsh.

I want to clarify that this isn't about the physical act of sex. It's about the connection that I have with my boyfriend, and how I feel that all of the stress has diminished this. I feel a lot of distance between us, and the lack of desire that I am feeling from him is just one example of this.

Synnen, you are right. I do need to back off. I'm just scared that if I back off he's going to get the message that I don't want him anymore and that that will create more distance between us. I have this serious need to fix things, not just with this relationship, but with everything in life.

Jake, I appreciate your feedback as well, but I feel you were being a bit harsh. I don't expect him to be able to compartmentalize his feelings, and maybe I am a bit immature when it comes to relationships. I'm not great at them, and that is why I am here. I am here for feedback from people who know more about relationships from me. I am trying.

Cat, again, this isn't just about getting laid. He just did a complete 180 in his interactions with me, and that freaked me out. It's been months now and things have not improved. When someone changes how they interact with you, it's kind of difficult not to get freaked out and think it's a reflection on how they feel about you. It's impossible for me not to feel insecure about this relationship right now.

Anyway, I do appreciate the feedback. I just really love this person and it hurts me to see him in pain and to not be able to do anything to help him. It hurts to be so close to someone and have them shut you out.

" unemployed boyfriend, reduced libido" was the topic of your post, so I presumed that the sexual end of things, as noted in you saying about the lack of intimacy, and that you felt he didn't find you attractive. You also said that you had to initiate sex, and that all you wanted was passion and desire and intimacy from him again. These are your words, not mine.

What I meant about compartmentalizing was that he is a 'whole' person. Out of whack because of being unemployed, and that affects him as a person. To expect him to put all that he is feeling about his life aside, and be the man you want him to be intimately, is to ask him to pretend the problems are easy to manage and deal with. Compartmentalize them, set them on a shelf, forget them for now, and make you happy.

It's about not working, not having money, and not having a plan for his future, as you said he told you, that is causing this.

He has already told you that this has nothing to do with you.

Try to put your needs for intimacy aside, and see the bigger picture here, the man that has a lot going on right now that is affecting his entire life, not just one part of it.

You are putting a lot of pressure on him, and like he says, you are being selfish and unfair. I agree with him.

When he feels better about what is bothering him, gets back to work and gets his life on track, everything else will improve.

He IS super affectionate - cuddling, hugging, kissing, holding my hand, and telling me that he loves me. He tells me all the time that all of the problems (sexual and otherwise) have absolutely nothing to do with me - that it's about not working, not having money, and not having a plan for his future. He says that it is all he can think about, and that sex, romance and inimacy are the last things he can be concerned with right now. He thinks I am being selfish and unfair, and just basically doesn't every want to talk about our problems.

Affection can be a form of intimacy. It sounds like he is doing everything except passionate kisses and sex to show you that he loves and desires you. How do you show him that you love him?

What I was trying to say before is to broaden your definition of intimacy. Cuddling can be extremely intimate if you let it.

Love isn't just roses and champagne. It is little things that add up but are taken for granted like holding hands, sharing a private joke, doing dishes, making diner, changing the baby's diaper, cleaning up after the cat and/or dog, lying together in bed doing nothing more than feeling each other's heart beat knowing that the other person is there...

I do understand your feelings if insecurity - because that's what they are - but your BF is telling you in every other way that he loves you.

You are making this about you and you're allowing your feelings of being 'unwanted' to dominate the relationship. In fact, he's the one feeling insecure - he's unemployed, worried about money and his sense of masculinity is being threatened by your reaction to his lack of libido.

What you're experiencing is the test of good relationships. Things are always great when you're having lots of sex and everything is rosy. The real challenge is when one of you is not doing so well and it changes the dynamic for a while. This is life and it is what happens because things never stay the same in relationships.

You need to find the resilience to negotiate these changes if you're going to have a successful long term relationhsip. So you're only having sex once a week - big deal - make it wonderful when you do and make him feel loved and appreciated.

Sometimes in relationships we have to put our own needs and fears aside and support our partner. Try and cultivate some trust and the belief that things will work out. Listen to what he's telling you instead if listening to your fears.

Had to spread the love Gemini, but I think we are all saying the same thing, just not getting through yet.

Good point about later on in the reationship. Things do go from bad to wose, and our partners must come first.