Hello everybody.

First of all, I want to apologize if something is unclear, but so are my thoughts. Please don't hesitate to ask if something is unclear!

Okay, I will try to take this from the start and keeping it as short as possible without letting out anything important.
I'm 16 years old, and so is my girlfriend.
On Monday (30th November 2009), we will have been together for a year.

Basically, I had a crush on her for two years before we got together.

We have been happily together through most of the time. Of course, we have had some minor argues, but nothing major.

The time that I have spent with my girlfriend, truly is the best time of my life so far. Over the time, my love to her has only grown.

Not only do I love her looks, but the way she thinks, acts, everything. She’s so sweet, and so cute, so amazing and I just love her so damn much.

She has stated, many times, that it’s just too good to be true that I love her and that I’m perfect. This just blows my mind, as that’s exactly the way I feel towards her.

Over the last 6-8 weeks, she has told me that she don’t feel quite the way she used to do. Actually, she more or less used the (classic) line “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”
I told her that whatever she felt right, I would respect and understand, and the one thing that I want the most is for her to be happy. I would give everything to be with her, but the most important thing for me is that she is happy.

As a result of this (love you, not in love with you), she has asked me to not tell her that I love her so much. This probably has three reasons.

One: I do (or at least did) say that a lot. And I mean a lot. But it’s really because I do. I truly do, and I want her to know, and I myself feel that the best feeling in the world is to hear the one you love tell you that he or she loves you.

Two: Her ex (the one that was two years older), used to tell her that he loved her, but has later revealed that this was only to be nice, which really felt horrible to her, as she meant it when she told him, and it made her feel used.
Three: The fact that she doesn’t feel the same way for me, might make it hard for her when I tell her, because she might feel that she’s “obliged” to tell me the same back, and she doesn’t want to say something that’s untrue, but also doesn’t want to hurt me by not saying anything.

I respect this, although it somewhat breaks my heart. I sometimes feel that she doesn’t believe that I love her, which really is a horrible feeling - because I love her to death.
She tells me that she doesn’t want to feel this way, and that she wants to try and “fix it”, or to try and pursue our relationship. I reassure her that if she wants to end it – I’ll understand and respect that.
Things you should know:
She is a musician, and works a lot with music, which sometimes stresses her. She also feels stressed from school work, as that stuff don’t come as easy to her, as it does, for example to me.

In addition to this, she has quite a strict and mean mother. They quite often argue, and believe me, she (her mother) can tell her (my girlfriend) the most horrible things. Her dad is also a musician, and travels a lot, so she really doesn’t enjoy staying at home.

All of this together, makes her quite depressed at times, and also very stressed.

I do my best to help her with all of this. I comfort her when she is upset because of her mother, help her with school work and helps her relax when she get’s stressed. She has told me many times, she really appreciate this.

Now, over the last two weeks she has developed feelings for my best friend, although I only learned this a week ago.

I should perhaps give you some background info on my friend. He has social anxiety disorder, and (to my knowledge) I’m his only true friend, the only one that he talks about personal stuff with (and vice versa).

We are really good friends, go to school together, listen to the same music, have the same humor, think the same way, play in a band together, basically do a lot together.
He is a really, really good guy.

He found out that our relationship wasn't at it's best (with her losing her feelings), and Iin his extreme niceness, he decides (without my knowing) to try and help us to fix this by talking to my girlfriend (starting less than two weeks ago).

While he and my girlfriend are talking about this, she tells to him how she feels towards him. He becomes quite shocked, and says he only wants things to go back to “normal” (me being with her, we being friends). After this talk, he follows her home.

In a matter of moments, they kiss, very briefly. No one of them really knows (or so they say) how it happened, but it did.

They both become really broken down by this, and both feel like they have betrayed me.

They come to me that same evening, both are shattered by this, and they tell me everything. They both cry a lot, and so do I. I was shattered by this at first, but at the same time I felt I had to comfort them, and not blame them.
I truly know, that they were both really, really broken down by this whole thing, it was easy to tell.

My girlfriend took this whole thing really hard (when she is upset she often has problems talking). The most I could get out of her was “Sorry”, “I’ve let you down” and “You deserve better”.

It would be easy for me to just sort of hate both my girlfriend and my best friend, but the fact that they told me the way they did (honestly, immediately and with total regret), the fact that they are really great people that I wouldn’t be able to hate in that way, and the fact that I feel like even though it in one way would kill me to see them together, I can’t control their lives. I can’t tell them not to kiss, I can’t tell them not to be together (Well, I sort of can while I’m in a relationship with my girlfriend, but that get’s “sorted” by the way they told me and acted about this).

All of this made me feel like I had to forgive them, and they really looked like they needed to be forgiven. So I told them both how I felt. I said that I could understand that this could’ve happened, and that I don’t feel any hatred towards any of them. I also said that no matter how this gets sorted, I want all of us to be friends in the end.

After a while, my girlfriend had to leave (it was getting late and her mother was… well, being her mother), and I strictly tell her that she can’t walk home by herself.
(The last bus had gone, and it’s a thirty minute walk to a somewhat dodgy area to get to her house).
I tell her that I insist on walking her home, but that it would be okay if we don’t talk, if that’s what she’d prefer.
As I follow her home, we talk a little about the stuff that had happened, and she asked me if what I had said was true. I said it was. I said that no matter what she wanted or how she felt, I would completely respect that and understand that. I told her that they way they had told me about it, really meant a lot to me, and I told her that I just love her so damn much, and care so damn much about her that I can’t go around hating her. That would make me hate myself. So yes, I told her, I forgive you.

She told me it was too good to be true, and we kissed for about a minute. Then we had to sort of rush home to her, because of her mother.

This all happened on Monday the 22th of November. The first couple of days with my friend have been awkward, but we have sorted this now. As far as I can understand, he doesn’t want to “go after her”, and even if he would, I wouldn’t hate him.

On the 23rd I asked my girlfriend (via text message), if she wanted to be with me that day and at the same time I told her it would be okay if she needed some time. At first, she wanted time but about 30 minutes later she asked for my company. I spent the day with her, and everything seemed sort of fine. When I went home that evening, I felt horrible. I felt that I was being selfish by being her boyfriend as if nothing had happened just the day after.

That evening, she called me, saying that she needed some time. Some time alone. I told her that I completely understood that, and that I would respect that. I apologized for being selfish that day, and told her that I would respect any decision she would feel would be right for our relationship. I also told her that I would not contact her for the next couple of days, but that if she wanted to talk to me she should feel free to contact me, this to give her the time and space she felt she needed.
The last thing I said before we hung up was how I feel towards her, and that she had my support throughout this.
I’ve talked with her twice since this, both over MSN. Once, we very briefly asked how the other was doing.

The second time, which was about 24 hours ago, we talked a bit more. She told me that she felt bad about not seeing me any lately, but that she wasn’t ready. She told me she had seen me the other day and wanted to talk to me but just couldn’t do it. I told her not to feel bad about neither of that.

We also talked about our anniversary. We were planning to go out on Monday the 30th (at our one year anniversary), and had already booked a table. She told me that she simply was not ready, and I told her that I understood and respected, and that I would cancel the table.

She told me that she didn’t want to cancel it, just move it to a later date when she felt ready. I think she really feels a lot of guilt. I told her that she can have all the time that she needs, and if she feels like she won’t be ready, ever, I’ll respect and understand that as well. She told me that she just needed time.

All of this is making me really confused. I’m not any good at reading signs, but now I of course see that her losing her feelings towards me and asking me to tell me I love her less could be ways of trying to fade out our relationship without hurting me. However, I still believe, at least partly, what she said about getting told that I love her.

I really feel like we’re a good match, and so does she, at least she used to. We enjoy the same movies, the same music, the same food, we laugh at the same stuff, we think the same way, and we even often say the same thing just at the same time.

For the first few days, I was absolutely sure that she would end our relationship, but as I said, I’m really confused by all of this. In one way, I believe that she is trying to break up with me without hurting me, but a couple of things make me doubt this, like how she made it clear that she wants to move our anniversary dinner, and not cancel it.
She also has sent me a short message on Facebook, where she basically quotes a love song – a song that always have been sort of “our song”. The line really makes me feel like she still wants to be with me.

The way she has spoken to me lately, it seems like she wants to but isn’t able to be with me quite yet.

I don’t know what to think, and to expect. She has asked for time on a prior occasion, and came back to me after three days that time. Now it’s been six days with merely any contact.

I am ready to give her the time she needs, whether it will be three days or three weeks, and I will respect any wish she would have towards our future together. I don’t want her to be in a relationship with me if she isn’t happy. I know that I can't make her want it.

The first days for me, were very hard. I was absolutely convinced that I would never be with her again. Because of this, after a wile, I was able to start letting her go a bit, or at least realizing that I might have to do that, which really as helped a lot.

I realize that if we break up, I will experience later loves after this, but I really, really love her a lot and don’t want to lose her.

I also know that being this young, a relation ship ending is not the end of the world, but still.

The worst part for me right now is the insecurity.

If you're this far, thank you for reading all of this, hope it wasn't too much, and I appreciate all answers!

PS: Hope you guys understand my English, it's my second language so I hope you understand the most of it. Again, don't hestitate to ask if anything is unclear.

By the way, I’m considering leaving a dozen of red roses by her door on our anniversary (on Monday), with a note saying that I really care about her, and wishing her all well, or at least something amongst those lines. Is that a bad idea? I know it might break the “oath” of giving her time, but I think it might also cheer her up. I know she really likes getting stuff like that, she is very romantic. She loves getting roses.

Mhsm, I have no idea what she is feeling, or how this will end, but I must say that you are a very intelligent, and an extremely considerate, young man.

For you to forgive them both, and want her to be happy at all costs, says so much as to the type of man you are, and will become in the future. You will be just fine no matter what happens, I just know it.

The thing is, at 16 years of age, you need to experience more in life before you settle down with one girl. In today's time, there are many distractions that interfere with relationships.

Go live your life to the fullest. I know I did, and have no regrets .

And if English is your second language, you write it wonderfully.

If it is meant to be, then it will happen.

I wish you the best of luck, and hope that my two young sons are as grounded as yourself when they get your age.

GOD bless you my friend.

Thanks a lot, I really appreciate that!

I know that I'm still very young, and have most of my life ahead of me. I also know that it won't be the end of the world if I lose her, and that if I do, I will find later loves.

But I know that right now, she is the girl I love, and that's all I care about right now. I will do all I can to keep her/get her back, but even more to keep her happy and do what's best for her.

I think I should add, that I truly love this girl. I can really see a future with her, and I know that she does the same for me, or at least she used to.
(Don't misunderstand me here, I'm not planning to spend the rest of my life with her already).

Do you think giving her a dozen of roses on or anniversary day is a bad idea?

I'm thinking of doing it in a subtle way, just leaving them on the doorstep and sending her a message so that she finds them. I don't want to be disrespectful to her wish of time and space, I just want to tell her that I care about her in a nice way.

Thanks a lot, I really appreciate that!

I know that I'm still very young, and have most of my life ahead of me. I also know that it won't be the end of the world if I lose her, and that if I do, I will find later loves.

But I know that right now, she is the girl I love, and that's all I care about right now. I will do all I can to keep her/get her back, but even more to keep her happy and do what's best for her.

I think I should add, that I truly love this girl. I can really see a future with her, and I know that she does the same for me, or atleast she used to.
(Don't misunderstand me here, I'm not planning to spend the rest of my life with her already).

Do you think giving her a dozen of roses on or anniversary day is a bad idea?

I'm thinking of doing it in a subtle way, just leaving them on the doorstep and sending her a message so that she finds them. I don't want to be disrespectful to her wish of time and space, I just want to tell her that I care about her in a nice way.

I think that it will be just fine.

We all know that you love this girl.

And I personally am pulling for you. You are the most mature 16 year old I have "seen" on this site, and in the flesh for that matter.

Wow I must say you're quite wordy and I can totally understand that you're running on so much emotion at the moment. In regards to your flower question I strngly suggest you don't do this because it's a bad idea that will push her away from you. She seems confused in some areas of your relationship at this time and I really suggest you just give her what she wants if it's a break, break up or things alon that line. Trust me on this you're the prize in this relationship, now I'm not saying she's a bad person but later on you will realize it. So I suggest you relax cool off and take som time to use some logic rather than full on emotion. As for losing her, don't worry about that, you were fine before her and you will be fine without her. That's just life.

I think the flowers are a bad idea too. Maybe mark the day with a quick phone call, or a card, but nothing more.

I sort of get the impression that she is feeling smothered. By her mother, school, pressures of performing. Maybe she is feeling pressured to maintain the relationship, and it is all just too much.

While you have so respectfully kept your distance and not pressured her, she may simply just need time as she indicated with moving the dinner/anniversary date. My impression is, she needs a breather.

My only other observation is to not let this go on forever. Wait a while, keep in touch to let her know you still care, but don't overdo it. If you find yourself in the same place with her in a few months, then I'd say it is time to move on.

I wish you well, you're a smart, kind, considerate person.

Hi,
I read every word (by the way your English is excellent). I don't like this situation for you. From the beginning it seems like you are doing everything for her, taking care of her, homework etc. You are the one saying I love you all the time. What about you? A relationship is about two people. Both people take care of each other. You're doing all the work here. Also, she and your best friend kissed each other behind your back and you're comforting them. This is all very noble and it's absolutely wonderful that you forgave them but you are setting yourself up to be taken advantage of. They also need to know very clearly that this is not OK behavior... This will sound harsh... "You need to respect yourself".

You are a wonderful, loving guy. You have so much love to give. This situation where you are "rescuing" her and you're making all these excuses for why she is stressed and why she doesn't have time etc. make me wonder why this is OK with you. What about your needs in the relationship?

I think perhaps she has felt a bit smothered by all the attention. Some girls like this attention but it seems she is pulling away from it. Don't send flowers... It will be too much. My suggestion is to back off a little bit. Also, I don't see her as being the one for you.

You are a great guy. You need to "realize your worth" and that you deserve a great girl!!

You are so nice and gracious, I hope I wasn't too harsh with you. :)

Dude to be honest and to save you the trouble just being honest you will probably have to figure this out on your own let it go. If it's meant to happen then it will if it anit then it won't. A wise man once told me that time heals all wounds Good Luck to you

Wow I must say you're quite wordy and I can totally understand that you're running on so much emotion at the moment. In regards to your flower question I strngly suggest you don't do this because it's a bad idea that will push her away from you. She seems confused in some areas of your relationship at this time and I really suggest you just give her what she wants if it's a break, break up or things alon that line. Trust me on this you're the prize in this relationship, now I'm not sayin she's a bad person but later on you will realize it. So I suggest you relax cool off and take som time to use some logic rather than full on emotion. As for losing her, don't worry about that, you were fine before her and you will be fine without her. That's just life.

Yeah, that's why I'm having doubts with the whole flower thing, I mean I can't force her (neither do I want to) back into a relationship with me, which I'm afraid she might take this as an attempt to, I simply want to do something nice for her on a special occation, while she's going through a rough time.

Thanks a lot for the good words, they really help!


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I think the flowers are a bad idea too. Maybe mark the day with a quick phone call, or a card, but nothing more.

I sort of get the impression that she is feeling smothered. By her mother, school, pressures of performing. Maybe she is feeling pressured to maintain the relationship, and it is all just too much.

Yes, I agree, a quick phone call or a card might be a better idea. I think I might go for the card, as she have already stated that just seeing me (on the street) is hard for her right now, so my thoughts originally were to just sort of drop it off, so that I don't make this time any worse for her. I will definitely consider giving her a card.



While you have so respectfully kept your distance and not pressured her, she may simply just need time as she indicated with moving the dinner/anniversary date. My impression is, she needs a breather.

That's what I'm thinking as well, but I'm just getting so confused. I guess the best thing I can do is just give her the time she needs until she contacts me.


My only other observation is to not let this go on forever. Wait a while, keep in touch to let her know you still care, but don't overdo it. If you find yourself in the same place with her in a few months, then I'd say it is time to move on.

Yep, that's what I'm thinking as well. While I'm ready to giver her, really, all the time she might need, I realize that if the weeks fly by with no change, it would be better for all parts if we end it.


I wish you well, you're a smart, kind, considerate person.

Thanks a lot! Thanks for for you kind words, and a great reply. It really helps me out.


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Hi,
I read every word (by the way your English is excellent). I don't like this situation for you. From the beginning it seems like you are doing everything for her, taking care of her, homework etc. You are the one saying I love you all the time. What about you? A relationship is about two people. Both people take care of each other. You're doing all the work here.

Thank you.

The thing is, she used to tell me that she loved me a lot earlier, before the whole I love you but I'm not in love with you thing happened. I may be naïve, but I choose to believe her when she says that, and also when she says that she wants to be in love with me, because I feel like I know her, when she is being totally sincere. And I also told her I would understand and respect it if she felt that a break up would be for the best.


Also, she and your best friend kissed each other behind your back and you're comforting them. This is all very noble and it's absolutely wonderful that you forgave them but you are setting yourself up to be taken advantage of. They also need to know very clearly that this is not OK behavior...This will sound harsh..."You need to respect yourself".

Yes, I realize that. And I considered being angry with them, but I just couldn'd do it.
I'm not sure if they being together still is what they both really want, but I can tell that neither of them wanted it to happen this way. They were both totally shattered that evening, neither of them could really talk for the first hour.

As I said in my post, the way they told me really had a lot to say as far as how I reacted. I mean, if they had been going behind my back and kissing etc. for let's say a week, and then come and tell me like "Hey, we are together now, which I guess is just too bad for you", I know I would've handled it different. But the fact that they both felt horrible, and told me everything and asked for forgiveness not two hours later, I really appreciated that.


You are a wonderful, loving guy. You have so much love to give. This situation where you are "rescuing" her and you're making all these excuses for why she is stressed and why she doesn't have time etc. make me wonder why this is OK with you. What about your needs in the relationship?

Yes, well, my post were already quite long, so I sort of cut that part out. I should say that I'm getting a lot out of this relationship. First of all, I'm always happy whenever I'm with her. She always makes me feel better.

She has also helped me regain my self-esteem a lot. She have made me believe more in myself, both as a person and as far as looks etc. go. (I should mention that I at least used to have a pretty bad picture of myself).

She is also very loving and caring, and helps me out with everything that I ask from her. I also have a sort of an issue with my father, where I feel that he's never been here for me (even though my parents aren't divorced), and I feel more like he's my stepfather than my actual father. She really has helped me a lot through this, which I appreciate a lot.


I think perhaps she has felt a bit smothered by all the attention. Some girls like this attention but it seems she is pulling away from it. Don't send flowers...It will be too much. My suggestion is to back off a little bit. Also, I don't see her as being the one for you.

You are a great guy. You need to "realize your worth" and that you deserve a great girl!!!

You are so nice and gracious, I hope I wasn't too harsh with you. :)

Okay, thanks for the advise, I don't think I will give her the flowers. I might write her a card though, where it says something among the lines that I love you and wish you all the best.

Not to sound so arrogant over your great and helpful reply, but I feel while she may not be the one for me for the rest of my life, she is the one for me right now.
I may however be very naïve about this.

By the way, she really is a great girl. Believe me.

Thanks a lot for all the great and helpful posts! I really appreciate it.

I can only add the very best of luck,I hope it goes well,and your English is brilliant,much better than mine! :-)

Thanks a lot :)

I'm getting second thoughts on just giving her a card as well, I really don't want to ruin anything by not giving her time and space, but not having contact with her is getting so damn hard.

I can't stop thinking about her even when I'm busy doing other things.

Every time my cellphone rings or I get a message, I run to it, in a combination of hope and fear. Hoping that she is calling or sending me a message, saying she loves me, or wants to be me. Fearing that she is calling or sending me a message, saying she doesn't love me, or wants to end it.

One thing is giving her time by herself, but all this insecurity is making me crazy!

What you're feeling is normal,which doesn't make it less painful.
Staying busy helps,talking to friends and family helps as well,as do physical activities.
As for the card-maybe not?
Hang in there,it gets better.

I am also quite impressed by what you have written. You are so mature and well-spoken. I don't know that I have a lot to add as I think what others have said is right on - she needs time and space. I agree the flowers are too much and a phone call would be too much as it will put her on the spot. If you send a card, keep it very simple. The last thing she needs is to feel any kind of pressure. You might consider just a quick message on MSN.

As for you, I know this is quite stressful and you are handling it very well. I'm glad you are doing your normal things and staying busy. If you aren't already doing some sort of physical activity, you should. It will help with your anxiety levels. If you can, get away from your phone - turn it off, or go for a run or walk and leave it home. Give yourself some time to relax.

Best of luck. You seem like a great guy, and like everyone else here I'm sure it will all work out for you in the end. Good luck.

Thanks for the replies everyone!

I will probably start going to the gym again next week, both for my bodys sake and for my minds sake. Thanks a lot for the great tips, and your support :)

That's a great idea-it will lift your mood,as will watching funny films if you want to give that a go.

I want to tell her in a subtle way that I miss her, and that I care for her.

I know this it's kind of individual, but what do you think about me posting a song quote that I see really fit as my Facebook status? Would that be a bad idea? I know she will know that I mean her, but I don't know how she will react.

I can say that I did do that, though a little more subtle than this one earlier this week, I posted a quote from a Bob Dylan song, a love song, about wanting to show someone all the colours they have in their mind, and she replied with the line "Stay lady stay, stay with your man a while", and later with more quotes from the same song.

What do you think about posting the refrains from I Miss You by Randy Newman as my status?

I Miss You Lyrics by Randy Newman (http://www.lyricsdepot.com/randy-newman/i-miss-you.html)

I'm thinking of using the refrains only, just that I repeat the I miss you part as many times as he does.

Bad idea?

Hats off to you for being a classy young guy, now keep your word and give her space as you said you would, out of love and respect

That means no flowers, calls, or music from you.

Stay classy, and say what you mean, and mean what you say. You have done that. Let go now.

Yeah, I realize that you are right, it's somehow easier to realize it when someone tells it to you.

You're absolutely right, I gave her my word to give her the time she would need, and to not contact her - to let her contact me. I will drop all of my plans about flowers, cards and music.

Yes you should. You should do that for you,you need space as well, to clear your own head .

Ok guys, since you helped me a lot earlier, I figured you deserve an update.

I'm sorry about this getting so long again, but I have a lot on my heart.
I hope you'll be able to understand all of this, don't hestitate to ask if something is unclear, if I left out something or if you simply wonder about something.

Well, today I got a message from her, saying she wanted to meet up and talk, so we went to a café.

It all started pretty much the way I had expected. She told me that she was really fond of me, but because of her feelings, she felt that this relationship could not work right now, so we decided to end it.

However, I could sense there was something more, and that she was not happy at all (I'm not expecting her to dance after this, but she seemed depressed), so I stayed and tried to make her feel better.

Appearantly, two things had happened while we were on a break.

First of all, she had had a big fight with her mother, plus her father, who usually comforts her, but at the time he was really drunk and they really hurt her (for the record: not physically).

The second thing was that she got really, really drunk on Saturday, and ended up sort of fooling around with a guy. They kissed a little, and went to bed together but nothing actually happened (I got this confirmed from some of her friends who where there).

She told me, which I totally believe, that she regretted it like hell, and that she feels broken inside. She also told me that she doesn't want to hurt me like this, and that I deserve better.
Of course, this broke my heart.

First of all, the thought of my girlfriend kissing with someone else was in the first place (and the first situation) bad enough, if not to end up in bed with someone.

But I don't want to watch her this depressed, and I don't want to see her have such a messed up home as she as, either.



I don't really know why myself, but somehow, I wasn't even able to get really mad at her because of what happened in the weekend. I know it makes no sense, but I explain it with the fact that I really care too much about her, and lover her way too much to be angry with her in such a way.

Second of all I felt too sorry for her to be angry at the time.

Third of all, as I have stated earlier (to you and to her), the most important thing to me is that she is happy and lives a good life. So I was more focused on helping her, as she obviusly was very low down, than being angry on her.

And last of all, for some reason I excuse her for all of it, given how messed up her life is right now. I can't really blame her for doing things she might regret right now, because I know I would be just as confused as her in her situation.

She seems to me like she might be getting towards suicidal (again, I should say), and even though many would have been to broken hearted after 1: the break-up 2: hearing about what happened in the weekend, I just couldn't leave her there so sad and messed up, so I decided to stay there and talk with her.

The further into the conversation we got, the more sure I got that she might become suicidal. She seems like she has given up hope. I managed to talk her into better thoughts, and cheer her up a bit. I promised to help her as good as I can.

Where I come from, having the school nurse sending you to a phsyciatrist etc. is not really uncommon, and I know that she has talked to the nurse earlier, and that the nurse is working on getting her a phsyciatrist. The problem is, I don't think she can wait. Her thoughts are getting more and more self-destructive by the day. I decided to go, with her, to the nurse tomorrow in an attempt to speed up the process.

During our primary talk, basically about the relationship, I told her that I love her and wanted her to know that I care about her.
After realizing how far down she is now, I decided to be there for her when she needs me - and told her so. I told her that while being her boyfriend, the most important thing for me was that she was happy, and that when I'm not her boyfriend, that still is the most important thing for me.

I also told her that I would always be there for her when she needs me, and that she can call me anytime she should need me,

I realize this might be denying the break-up, and at least not the way to go to get over her, but I just care too much about her to watch her life get ruined over this without at least trying to help her out.

Later in the evening, she had to go home, and I told her I wanted to follow her. When we got to the doorstep, I gave her a big hug, and she started to cry.

I told her that I love her (note: in my language, we have a different word for to love someone as a friend, but in a stronger way than just caring about them. I used that word), and she told me the same. Then she had to go inside.

A bit later, she called me just to tell me the same thing.

Later we chatted a bit online, I tried to cheer her up a bit more. She told me that I was an angel and unhumanly (can I use that word in english) kind, and that I couldn't be a nicer person.

I don't know what to feel right now, really.

I feel broken down by the break-up.
I feel broken hearted by the weekends incident.
I feel really, really sorry for her and want to help her as good as I can.
I feel like I should move on now, because chances are that she is.
I feel like I could sense that she haven't given up on our relationship for ever. I don't want to be her second option, but if she in time, let's say a couple of weeks, when her life is on a better track and her mind is clear again, feels in the old way to me, I don't want to have ruined things because of no contact.

You can call me naïve, but I have a feeling that her mind is to filled and stressed from all of the things going on for her right now, with our relationship, her being confused with her feelings, her home situation getting worse and worse, trouble with schoolwork, a messed up body (she goes to two specialists at the moment) and she appearantly is really broken down by the weekend. It seems to me in a way that she needs time to really get her life back on track, and that dealing with me and our relationship while doing that is too much, but that she doesn't want to end it forever.

In one way, I can't really understand myself why I can forgive her so easily for what happened in the weekend, and feel like I'm letting myself get used.
But on the other hand, I feel like I'm doing the right thing. Both for myself and for her.

Thank you for reading all of this, and I would really appreciate any answers and tips!

I'm sorry you are dealing with this, but once again you are showing what a compassionate person you are. You have already done a lot of right things – being direct, listening to her, being specific about getting help (the nurse) and asking her to call you if she needs someone to talk. I would give you the following tips:

1. She needs to see a professional. I know you are planning to see the school nurse tomorrow. Don't delay, and don't let her talk herself into thinking she's okay. If she doesn't go on her own, notify the nurse or another authority anyway.
2. Trust your instincts. The fact she's attempted suicide before puts her at greater risk to try again.
3. I don't think you are doing this, but don't try to argue her out of it. Let her know you care and there are treatments that will help. Don't try to tell her she doesn't have reason to do this or that she will hurt others by doing this. That will add to her feelings of hopelessness.
4. Reassure her that help is available, that depression is treatable, and that suicidal feelings are temporary. Life can get better!
5. Do you have a crisis line in your country that you can call? They can give you info and they can talk to her.
6. Be sure to take care of yourself as well. It can be very scary when someone close to you is contemplating suicide, and it can be difficult to talk about it. Find someone that you trust, whether a friend, other family member, religious member, or counselor, to share your feelings.

Another little update.

As far as her goes, I believe she actually is on the right way. She has talked with the nurse herself, plus a good friend and me, and she seems to be getting better already.

As far as our relationship goes, I'm sticking with my "plan" to be a supportive friend right now. However, she revealed something for me today.

She heard about what happened to me at school today, basically I had a breakdown and ended up crying for an half hour.

I didn't realize she knew it, but we talked a bit this evening. She told me that she has realized what she's done now, that she regrets all of the stupid things that she has done and that she wish we just couldve been together now, like in the old days. She told me how she had tought of all the nice times whe had had together.

She also told me that she wasn't sure how she felt. She still has feelings for me. She still has feelings for my best friend. She doesn't want to hur me anymore she says.

I think she is really confused, as she has a lot to think of and handle in her life right now, with the relationship thing, her home situation, schoolwork, depression in general plus her injuries (or body issues).

I told her that she should take time to think through what she really wants, and then do that, and whatever it is I will respect it and understand it.

Just thought you would like a little update. As usual, don't hestitate to ask about anything and thanks for all the help!

You've decided to be the supportive friend and that is of course your choice,but many of us here would advice you to have no contact with her to make it easier for you to heal.
Which brings me to my questions,do you have people supporting you?
Friends to talk to,things to do to make you feel better? I hope you do. You need to look after yourself as well.
(and your English is amazing-can I ask what your first language is?)

Thanks, my first language is Norwegian.

I know that many would recommend no contact, and I have considered it, but decided against it.

First of all, I simply can't leave her like this, I've got to help her. If I will start on no contact, it will for sure be after I'm convinced that she will be OK without me. Right now, I don't think she will be.

Second of all, I still haven't given up on us being together again in the future, be it two weeks or two months. She has stated a wish for this herself, as well.

But currently, I'm trying to move on and be a supportive friend at the same time, while I'm keeping a hope for us getting back together. Those things might not match up very well, but I've decided to do it this way. If the situation hasn't change before the christmas holidays, I will probably start moving on from a boyfriend relationship, but I still care too much about her to not help her through this mess.

I guess I can say I have people supporting me.

My best friend (yes, the one mentioned in this thread) is helping me actually, though it's a bit hard for him as well as he is going through a little rough time because of this (so I try to help him too). Another friend of mine has offered me help, but I'm not ready to talk to him about it right now.

Two of my teachers at school kind of figured something was up when I cried for half an hour, so I spent a lot of time at school today talking with them, which really helped, made it easier to look at at things from a different perspective.

Thanks a lot for the reply!

That's good, you have people to talk to and understanding teachers.
I hope you're eating OK and sleeping all right and coping with your school work.
It's a tough situation for you
I wish you all the best.
(and I kind of thought you were from one of my neighbouring countries-I'm Swedish så jag säger god natt-sov gott.)

Thanks.

I'm eating, but certainly less than usual. I'm on one or two meals a day, I just can't eat more. I'm sleeping all right, a little less than usual but what else can I expect?

I'm certainly not overmotivated for the school work, but I still do it. So I more or less get on pretty well, I think.

Thanks a lot for the good words and thoughts.

Tusen takk for all omtanken (:

For every day and every hour that passes, I miss her more and more. Not only as my girlfriend, but I miss seeing her (literally). At one point, I seriously considered walking past her house a number of times until I would see her through her window, just to give me a little peace of mind, knowing that she is okay.

I think, however, that I'm going to try to establish no contact for a while with her. At least from my side. I have pretty much made it clear how I feel for her, and how I am there for her if she needs me.

I have yet to speak to her since the break-up, except for a lot of messages on MSN and a couple of messages on the phone. (Text).

I think that she might need some time to think through what to really do, whether it be to keep in contact with me, to try and fix our relationship or just break it all of.

She has, however, repeatedly told me how she regrets hurting me, that I deserve better, that she misses me and what we had, and that she wish we could just be together like we used to. At the same time, she told me it was hard for her, as she still was confused.

So, I will do my very best to not contact her at all. I will give her time to think, to breathe, to heal and hopefully to miss me. She knows by now, that if she needs me, she can contact me.

I would appreciate any replies!

You do have a life you enjoy, that makes you happy besides being with her don't you??

Hej again! I think no contact for you now is a very wise option-you need time out and time to clear your head. Have you read the stickies at the top you of the relationship page-lots of good advice there. It's tough trying to stay in the friendzone after a breakup. You need time to heal and start getting your life back on track. Be good to yourself now. Allt gott.

You do have a life you enjoy, that makes you happy besides being with her don't you???

While I think it's fair to say, she has contributed a lot to my happiness for the past year, I do have other parts of my life that makes me happy.

I have been down earlier in my life as well, and about three weeks ago I felt happier than ever. I thought about it at the time, about what made me happy.

The list I found out was:

My girlfriend.
My best friend.
My new school and class*.
My band.

*I don't know very well how the education systems works in other countries, but at least here in Norway, when you're sixteen, there's a new school system to go to. This one is volunteer, but free.

In march the year you begin here (the semester starts in august), you have to fill in your three wishes as to what sort of line you want to go. That could be one aimed at further studying at a university, or at becoming a carpenter etc.

Now, the problem is, a reason that I like it so well in my new class is that my best friend goes there.
And he also plays in my band.

So, even though I believe we are pretty much square as of now, it's easy to tell there still is some tension. Both of us are going through a bit of a rough time.

I feel very jealous right now. I don't want to, but I just can't stop. I don't really think it's very surprising that I do though, having been cheated on twice in a week. But I constantly have a feeling that my best friend is having a relationship with my girlfriend, being more than just a friend to her.

He has guaranteed me that there isn't, and I don't think she is mentally ready to do such a thing right now. And she has told me that she doesn't want to hurt me anymore, and she knows that if I get that situation as well right now, I don't really know what I should do. I will for sure be devastated.

This got a lot longer than I had thought, but it would be fair to say that I am having troubles having fun right now.

The best time I have is at school. Sometimes, it's a drag. I often feel depressed, and sometimes get breakdowns where I just sit and cry. Other times I'm able to go quite a while without thinking too much about it. I think my record by now is an hour without thinking about it.

After school, I have tried to spend some time with my best friend, but it's hard for both of us. When I'm home, I sit and worry, listen to depressive music, listen to music that reminds me of her, constantly check my mobile, MSN and Facebook to see if she has sent me any messsages.

Thanks a lot for the reply!

Hej again! I think no contact for you now is a very wise option-you need time out and time to clear your head. Have you read the stickies at the top you of the relationship page-lots of good advice there. It's tough trying to stay in the friendzone after a breakup. You need time to heal and start getting your life back on track. Be good to yourself now. Allt gott.

I have already read the stickies I found relevant, and a lot of other threads on the forum as well. They helped a lot :).

Yes, that's what I reckon as well. Thanks a lot!

I think she might be going no contact on me as well. She has not answered any of my messages for a while, though I know that she has seen them.
I'm not sure why, though.

I'm guessing she might do it for herself, because she needs time.
Either that, or because of that she doesn't want to hurt me anymore, or that she doesn't want to give us another shot.

Anyway, I've decided to maintain no contact. I'm going to do my best to let her go.

I know that she will still have a place in my heart, and if she soon enough comes to me and wants me back, I might want to give it another shot. However, I don't want to pressure her - at all, so I'm going to leave all communication between us for her to initiate.

Thanks for all the replies.

Stay no contact and I hope you feel better soon.
Keep us posted.
Take care.

Thanks a lot :) .

Today at school, I felt really bad and felt close to a breakdown. One of my teachers obviously noticed this, and made me talk with him (the one I've been talking to for the past week).

Basically, the talk made me be even more confident about my idea. My plan now is to try and not think about her as much as possible and try to enjoy life without her. I will not initiate contact with her. She knows by now that I'm here, so if she really needs me, she will come to me.

I think she needs time for herself now, whatever her decision might be for her/our future.

So, as I said, I won't be contacting her. I've decided that if I haven't heard from her at all in two weeks time, I'm going to contact her (assuming that I can hold out that long), hopefully just briefly, by asking how she is etc.

I will be keeping you posted on how things are going.

Hang in there-one day at the time and you'll be fine. :-)

Okay, a short update from me. The 3rd, I got a message from her, just short, asking how I was doing. I replied and asked the same. I tried to keep it as short and friendly as possible, although it was hard for me.

Yesterday, I had my first day of full no contact. It was very hard. In the first classes at school, I was able to keep a mask on, at least I believe I did, and wasn't too far down.

A bit later in the day, I had two classes where I didn't do too much, I got really down and wished for a message from her. I managed to keep myself from crying this time though, barely.

In the evening, I really started to accept the fact that we, as in me and her, might never be again. It was painful for me, but at the same time a good feling, that I was able to start letting her go.

This morning, as I woke up, I could really feel the broken heart again. It felt as if the enitre last day was wasted, and that I was back at the beginning. Now, however, I feel better again.

The last few days have generally been better. I'm not crying as much as I used to, and I have fewer breakdowns at school. I am not feeling as depressed as I used to, and I'm starting to eat more as normal again.

I still have very strong feelings for her, and miss her a lot, and honestly I still want her back. It's hard for me not to think about her, I just miss her so much.

But I think that now, I will be able to move on. And I think that's just what I'm going to do. It will be hard, and painful, but I'm convinced it's what I should do. I don't mean in the sense of getting over my feelings for her, that's something I know I won't be able to do right now. I mean getting over the break, and getting used to and accepting the thought of us not being a couple anymore. (Yes, I still haven't done that completely).

I will take day by day, and in some near future, if I haven't heard from her yet, I've decided to contact her, just to check up on her.

I'm convinced I need to move on, and don't leave myself hanging.
If she, against my doubts and according to my dreams, should come back to me and want me back, that's something I will have to face then. Right now, I would know it would be hard because of all that has happened, but deep inside I would want the same, and if she tells me the right things, and I'm convinced it's what she wants, I will want to try again.

In the future, who knows. She told me some days ago that maybe we would be together again sometime in the future, but she doesn't know right now.

I have a dream of that happening, that she will come back to me, but I know that I can't just pause my life until that happens. I'm not talking about going out on dates next weekend, that I won't be able to do - neither would I want, but I can't just sit here and wait for here to come back either.

Thanks for all the replies, they have really helped. All of them, especially amicon for repeadtly checking in, and being a great help, and talaniman, you seem to always know what to do (I've read up a lot on the forums), and say the right things. Thanks to you both, and thanks to you all.

I think you have reached some very mature decisions in a very short space of time-well done! You're on the healing path now,there will be lows and highs but time and patience with yourself will work wonders. Please keep us updated-and thank you(mange takk!) for your kind words.

Your grieving, mourning the "death" of a relationship you thought a lot of. That's so very human, and shows how much you cared.

It will take time, so be patient with yourself. Its not easy to fill the hole in your soul, but stay busy with family, good friends, and activities you enjoy. Be good to yourself, as you deserve it.

>cyber hug<

talaniman:

Thanks a lot for your kind words, and your help talaniman.

I will definietly do my best to do that, staying busy has worked very well so far. The hardest times are no doubt the times when I'm alone, not doing much, and the thoughts start to fly.

Again, thanks a lot talaniman. *Hugging you back*

amicon:

Yes, I know it will be hard, and there will be ups and downs. As I've read somewhere on this forum, which I'm going to try my best to always remember, is that there isn't a low after every high, there's a high after every low.

Thanks a lot for your kind words.
I will be keeping you posted, no doubt.

A high after every low,good point! If you're not already doing it,you could start a journal where you write down your thoughts.
Here's a cyberhug from me as well.

She contaced me.

She told me that she now had no feelings for me.
She told me that I needed to get over her.
She also told me that she had feelings for my best friend.
I asked if there were anything between them, she said yes, and I sort of lost it for a sec. Turns out she meant there were friendship between them.

Now she wants a break. A break from me. A break from my best friend. A break where it's just her on her own.

I told her I thought that would be the best for all parts right now.

She told me that she didn't want to hurt me anymore, and that she regretted what she had done, and wished it had all come undone.

I told her how I felt, about me needing a break right now, but that I still have feelings for her and could want to get together with her sometime in the future, when I'm ready to trust her again (with a big maybe). I felt like it might make it worse for her, or for me, but I just had to tell her how I felt.

She told me that she had made several huge mistakes, and that she would never contact me again, so that she couldn't hurt me anymore.

I told her that it's a good idea to have no contact, in order to heal better, but to never ever have contact again might be a little overkill.

I told her that what we need now, both of us, is just time. I told her that I would not contact her, and it's a good idea if she doesn't either.

It will be impossible for us to be just friends right now, and still hard in the future. I still want to be a friend to her though, not as in go to a movie every weekend or something, but I told her that if she really needs me, she can make an exception and contact me.

She told me that she couldn't hear anymore right now, and that she was crying, and that she would always care about me.

I told her that I was crying too. I told her that I care about her, that I still do and that she always will have a special place in my heart.

She told me that hearing how kind I was made this thing harder for her, given how much she has hurt me, and that she couldn't take anything more. She said she was a terrible person, and had ruined me.

I told her about how great a person she is, and that she has done so much great to me. I told her that anyone can make mistakes, and that to me, she still is a wonderful person.

She told me good night, and I said the same plus that I wish her all well.

This post might be a bit of a mess, but so am I right now so I hope you forgive me.

I don't know what to feel right now.

I'm hurt and broken hearted, but certainly less than I would be without you guys and without foreseeing that this could happen. I think the suffering I've done the last days turned out good in a way.

I've sort of jumped down from the cliff already, and landed on a mountain shelf, doing half the jump already, making the last fall to the bottom shorter. (I hope that made sense to you)

In another way, I'm not really shocked. Yes, I had a hope for us being together, but I always expected this to happen. (Sort of mentioned already).

And strangely enough, I am a little relieved. I still feel like knowing is better than thinking. (Atleast in these cases).

I'm trying to look positive. Now, I will go full no contact. It will be even easier, knowing that she wants the same.

It will also be a lot easier to get over what have happened, and eventually to get over her, with a closure like this. Knowing is still better than thinking.

I felt like I had gotten sort of mixed signals of what she wanted, but now I see it pretty clear. That also makes it easier for me.

And to be honest, and a bit selfish, it's good for me to know that she will go no contact with my best friend as well. Don't get me wrong, I wish him all well, but I don't know how I could've forgiven him if he'd stolen my girlfriend - even though I'd want to deep inside.

I'll do my best to move on now, and I think I'll end up fine in the end.

I hope this post didn't get too much of a mess.
I will appreciate all replies and tips and ideas. Thanks!

I'm sorry for the last post being such a mess and so long. I hope you understand most of it, don't hestitate to ask if you have any questions.

Hi Misshersomuch,

Your entry really moved me. Your writing is very clear and would be excellent for a person whom english was their first language.

You seem like a really nice person. Thoughtful and caring. It might seem a bit harsh, but I think that your girlfriend doesn't have the same feelings for you that you have for her. She seems to want to be in love with you because you are so great. She might of felt like she was in love with you at the beginning because of the rush of emotions felt in the start of a relationship.

Also I think she is showing these conflicting signals of wanting to be with you and not wanting to be with you, because you make her feel good, you comfort her, and love her so much. You are providing her with so much love that she can see that loving you would be perfect. I think everyone wants to be in love with someone who loves them so deeply.

I think she doesn't want to let you go, because you seem to be one of the only highlights in her currently turmultous life. And at the same time she feels very guilty for holding onto you for these reasons. She knows you want a romantic relationship with her, and that she doesn't have the feelings that would allow her to honestly give that to you. She really likes you and values you. She believes you deserve to be treated better, and deserve to be in a loving relationship.

I think the best way you could serve her is by just being her friend. I think you need to move on romantically. Not just for yourself but for both of you. I think you need to be the strong one, you seem very mature and grounded. So I think you'll have to be the one to do it, because she is not in the right place or strong enough to do it. You aren't helping her by letting her treat you this way. She feels very guilty and this just adds to the troubles in her life. Instead you can be a really good friend and let her go. I think if you are able to you should continue to support her and be a really great friend.

I hope this is helpful. And I hope that no matter what you end up doing, that you are happy.

I didn't realise there were more posts after the first page. Well... my above post is a bit late and now seems a bit thoughtless. I hope that you feel better soon. I am sad that you are feeling so bad right now. Break ups are really hard and so are broken hearts.

I am really glad though, to have read you entries, because now I know there are really great guys out there (well at least one). I don't know what else to say. I just wish I could say something of comfort or say something to help you, but I can't think of anything. I am glad (even though you are hurting) that you know what the situation is. In my mind I am certain that you'll meet some really great people and have a better relationship. But that will probably not help you feel better right now.

Umm, if I could give you some advice from my past, it took me 1 year to get over my last boyfriend, but even though it hurt so much, now I am not hurting. Time does mend your pain, even if it unfortunately takes a long time. And knowing that you have other people around you who love you and care for you also helps, i.e. family. Well again, I hope you feel better and see the sunshine come out once again.

PS. Even though it is irrelevant, I think you are a really great writer, your writing is really easy to read, it just flows. Ok that is a bit irrelevant :s


Also, I think you deserve to be with someone who is able to return your love.

Umm, I hope that is not too abrupt.

Thanks a lot for all of your kind words Llisa.

I really appreciate your words on my writing as well, and I do write some songs for my band, so I take it as a compliment that you think I write good.

I do hope and believe that in time, I will feel better, although that seems really far ahead right now. I should be sleeping a long time ago, but I just can't get myself to do it.

I think my days at school will be dreadful. You see, we go to the same school, but at least we don't take any classes together, that's the good news. I think I can manage to stay away from her, if I can express it that way, for some time at school. I don't think seeing her will do any good to me right now.

If I can't be her boyfriend, I'd really love (pun intended) being her friend, but we both see this as a really weird situation. It's hard enough to imagine my life without her right now, if not to imagine being with her without holding her hand or kissing her, not to mention if my best friend would be the one to do that. I think that a friendship, where we regularly spend time together, will be far into the future.

Deep inside, I know that this isn't the end of my romantic life. I know I will meet others, maybe (or guaranteed?) someone "better", and I am still very young so I really have all of my life ahead of me, not behind me.

The problem is that even though I know all of this deep inside, that within time, "all will be good", it's so hard to really, fully believe in that, and that's partly what's bothering me right now.

Thanks again, for all of your kind and helping words! :)

Well, I can't say that was the best night of my life. I had about 40 minutes of sleep, from around 09.50 to 10.30 (it's 11 o'clock here now). The rest of the time, I spent just lying around thinking about everything. And missing her. I miss her a lot.

Anyone have any tips as far as how I can keep from thinking about her when I need to sleep? It's bad enough to feel bad about this all of the day, but if I do so all of the night as well, sooner or later I'll go crazy.

You need your sleep, I'd suggest you tire yourself out physically before bed,go for a run or something similar.
Try a soothing herbal tea such as chamomile before going to bed.
It is tough,but hang in there, you will get over this.

Update again. You see, I saw her again today.

The thing is, I had borrowed this hat from her for a school project (prior to this whole thing), and I knew that she'd want it back sooner or later, and decided sooner would be better, as it would be better to get it over with and the move on without having to see her in that way at a later time.

I was heading downtown anyway, and her house is more or less on the way there (it's a bit of a detour, but not more than a couple of minutes). On the way down, I couldn't do it, but on the way up I decided to do it.

I just put the hat in their mailbox, and sent her a short message saying thanks for letting me borrow it and where I'd put it.
She immediately replied saying I could've kept it.

I told her thanks, but no thanks, I couldn't do that, and that it was hers.

Shortly after she asked me if I had left, and told me that she would appreciate a hug.

I said that I had just slipped the hat in there and left, to not break the no contact deal too much, but if she really wanted a hug, of course she would get one.

So yeah, nothing much happened, we just hugged basically, and then she had to go, and so did I.

Anyway, I strangely feel better after this. It wasn't a particularly romantic hug, just a good, friendly hug.

But the last time I talked with her (last night), we talked online, so it felt really good to get a real chance to say goodbye to her. It also felt good to know that we still are friends (I hope you understand what I mean here).

A couple of minutes later, I sent her a message and apologised for contacting her, but told her that I meant it well, and I promised to leave her be from now on.

I haven't got a reply from her (yet?), but neither were I expecting one.

She didn't behave like I'd thought she would, but then again, neither did I. I thought I would end up crying on her shoulder for half an hour, but I kept myself from doing that. Perhaps I was just out of tears, I don't know.

The bottom line is that it felt good seeing her this last time, for closure, and that I now feel fit to really start getting over it.

EDIT: I should add, that even though this feeling is good, it hurts as well because it means I'm one step closer to realizing and accepting that me and her probably never will happen again.

Remember the highs after the lows! Sticking to nc from now on will work wonders.
I hope you get a better night's sleep tonight!

You're definitely doing the right thing. I hope you get a great sleep and wake up with a renewed attitude.

There's a great gal out there waiting for you. Be patient, the pain lessen soon and you'll be open to have that new relationship.

So, long time, no update. I don't think it's necessary to write everything that's happened since the last update, but I'll give you the main idea.

On Sunday, she initiated contact again. She sendt me about 20 love songs over Facebook, and told me that she still had feelings for me.

I told her that I still had feelings for her, and that I was willing to give her another chance if she could tell me the right thing.

She told me that she couldn't do it yet, she was still confused.
She told me that she wanted to talk with me the next day, face to face. I agreed, and she logged of.

So, the next day, I send her a message saying that if she still wants to talk, she can just send me a message, and that I was free the whole afternoon. I didn't get any reply.

That night, I chat with her again. She had to go eat. When she got back, I didn't get any reply. I told her that if she wanted me to stop contacting her again, I'd understand. She said Yes, and logged of.

So, I've decided that I'm not going to put up with this anymore. I've made it clear how I feel about it. If she wants me to support her, I'll be there for her. If she wants me back, I'll give her another chance and the time she should need, but she changes her mind all the time. I don't think it's too much to ask to have the same answer for more than 12 hours at a time.

I know this isn't an easy time for her, but she needs to understand that it isn't for me either.

So, from now on, I'm going to go 100% no contact on her. I wasn't ready for this earlier, but now, I think I might reject her calls and not answer to messages. I'm going to do my best at it, anyway.

After hurting me so much, all I did was try to support her, and what do I get? Rejection and mixed signals. So, if she wants me back now, she's going to have to convince me. I won't come running back to her.

It's not easy though, I still miss her. I'm changing a bit in my feelings now, though. Whereas I have spent the last week crying and feeling sad, I have for example slept a total of 6 hours since the last update, I now only feel empty, really.

I don't know if it's because I'm starting to move on, or because I've just cried out all of my tears and that I'm exhausted, but I just feel this emptiness inside. I still have urges to send her messages, but so far I have been able to reject them.

I don't really think I have mentally excepted that it's really over us before last night. I really feel better already, I'm starting to look forward. I know it will take time, but I also know I'll get through this.

I have three goals for the next two days.

1: Maintain no contact.
2: Go to the gym.
3: Really fix things with my best friend.

Oh yeah, plus to start eat like a normal person again and to get some sleep. I'm surviving mainly on coffee nowadays.

I've read all of the stickies, and they have helped me a lot. If you have any other tips to me, about no contact or moving on, or anything really, please tell me!

Thanks for your time, help and replies!

Hey misshersomuch,

I'm really glad that you've decided to have no contact with her. I think it is the right thing to do. At this point any contact with her will just drag you down. I think you're right not to reply to any of her messages or other contact. I don’t think there is any reason for you to contact her. There is however a huge reason for you not to contact her, and that is that it doesn’t do you any good. Instead you would be prolonging this.

Regarding your best friend, I think it's great that you forgave him. But I think it is too early to be trying to repair things with him. I think you should give it more time. One for you to heal, but also to give your mind a bit more time for it to digest what has happened (I don’t mean by you constantly thinking about it, but just by letting your mind get use to what has happened, it must have been a great shock).

There is also a risk of your friend and ex getting together. Even though they are great people, care about you a lot and are nice and kind, it does not mean they won't do something. I'm not saying you should not trust them because they are bad but because they are human, and because you guys are relatively young (I only mean you guys haven’t had much practice at these kind of situations yet, though sometimes that doesn’t help either) and everything is so emotional, and because they are both nice people and they like each other, it is likely that they will get together. Of cause this is not fair for them to do this, but they won't be doing it to hurt you. So for the sake of your friendship with your best friend, I think you should give it time and space. I really think you should do this.

So instead of spending time with either of these people I think it would be better for you right now to be doing things with your other friends. Try to develop your friendships with the other people close to you. Spend heaps of your time doing things with them and while doing this try not to talk about your break up, really don't talk about it. This will distract you a bit from all the drama etc, and you might even surprise yourself by actually enjoying at least some of it. And anyway you'll be thinking about it enough the rest of the time :)

I hope this helps. And I hope you are happier no matter what you choose to do :)

PS. I know this is easier to say than do, but try to dig extra deep and stick to whatever rules you set yourself.

PPS. I just thought of a good idea, when you have a clear mind, why don't you get a piece of paper and come up with some rules for yourself to follow. Things that you think would be best for you. Right now I think you should only be trying to look after yourself, this will be the best thing not only for you but also for all others involved.

I think you've reached the stage where you have had to realise that you need to look after YOU and that you don't deserve this confusion anymore.100% no contact works so stick to it. I find watching comedies and laughing my head off works wonders if I'm down in the dumps,so you could give that a go. Look after yourself.

"Right now I think you should only be trying to look after yourself"

1: Maintain no contact.
2: Go to the gym.
3: Really fix things with my best friend.

YES!! Not just the next 2 days, but from now on.

Yo got it man, keep it up. Don't just say it. Do it.

Hi misshersomuch,

I just wanted to say something more positive. I was rereading your original post and I think you are very optimistic, open and giving. And the best thing is that you are open to love. I think this guarantees a life of love :)

Anyway, I hope you are sleeping better. Best wishes, Lisa

PS. About my second last post (the long one :s), I think I might have been a bit pushy. I apologise if I was.

No worries, thanks for the replies and tips, plus all of your kind words!

Well, I spoke with my GF in the weekend, and I asked her straight out if there was something more between her and my best friend than just being friends. She said no, and that she couldn't do that towards me. Today, I asked my best friend straight out as well, asked him to be completely honest. He said that they were just friends, and that he had decided to cut contact with her as well, given all the things that have happened.

In a strange way, I feel better after this. Don't get me wrong - I wish them both all well, but it would break my heart to see my ex with my best friend, at least while I still have these feelings for her.

I slept better tonight than earlier, so I hope I'm getting better. People at school commented that I looked more happy than in a while as well.

Things seem to be clearing out with my and my best friend now, I mean it's still sort of tense between us, or at least was before we talked, because he have been thinking that he ruined my life and I have been thinking that he's been trying to steal my girlfriend, but we seem to be making it now.

I'm feeling better day by day now, I can finally begin to see the end of this.

Thanks for the replies everyone!

Help, I can't stop thinking about her! Even when I'm at my busiest, like at school today, where we had an exam-light (called tentamen as opposed to eksamen in norwegian), and the deadline came closer, I just couldn't concentrate.

I saw her today, and I just froze instantly and could barely walk. I got out a hi to her as we passed, but couldn't even look he properly in her face.

I think there might be something going on between my best friend and my girlfriend after all, although I think I might just be "jealous" or something, I don't know. Anyway, I've figured out he has talken to her lately. I asked him if he knew how she was doing, and he said she was doing better so yeah. They have had contact. I don't know how to feel towards this, in one way, if they get together, I will feel let down by both of them.

By him because he said he wouldn't do that, because he said he didn't have contact with her now, and because it would essentially be stealing my girlfriend.

By her because, well, she'd break my heart even more. If there's one thing I don't think I can handle right now, it's to see her in his arms and kissing him etc.
And given that she have said that she don't want to hurt me anymore, ever again, and that she wanted to cut contact with both of us, I kind of feel like it's just my emotions and insecurity making me jealous.

But on the other hand, if they were to get together, what could and should I do? I know I'd have to avoid them - at least for a while, because as I said, I couldn't handle seeing them together in that way while I still have these feelings for her. But on the other hand, if they want each other, I'd sort of feel bad for standing the way of that as well, and I can't control or decide over any of them.

I'm trying to get over her, but it's not easy. I still love her so much, and I miss her every day, but I know I need to move on now. I just don't know how to do it, really.

I'm also thinking about giving her a christmas present, a bad idea? I don't think of doing it to win her back, or to give her one hundred red roses or something, just something casual like I give to my friends, as a friend to her. What do you guys think about that?

Thanks for all replies :).

It's that darn emotional rollercoaster,some days are not great- I hope your tenta went well in spite of this.
As for what may or may not happen or what may be going on between the two of them,I'd trust them for now and try not to think about that.
You know,it's one day at the time at this stage so be patient with yourself.
.

I'd be giving her a Christmas present all right, I'd be sending the 20 love songs back to her, along with a 'dear john' letter.

Is this ever going to stop? How can you move forward when you are expecting, and receiving, smacks in the head from her.

The past is the past. Even if you add to the past with new knowledge of what went wrong, you will never have all the answers you need, and why do you need them anyway- hanging on a thread of hope?

There comes a point where you can't go in two directions at the same time. You have a life to live, and you've exhausted the relationship, possible relationship, questions about the relationship, and the what ifs about the relationship, the past of the relationship, possible future of the relationship, and never stay put long enough to say, 'Enough!! '.

Do more than just talk about it this time. Just do it. Make 2010 YOUR year to shine, without any baggage from 2009. I liked the idea of making a list, and sticking to it as Llisa suggested. That doesn't mean changing it, adding to it, taking things off it, modifying it, or misinterpreting it to suit your mood at the moment.

Like all things, there is a beginning, a middle and an end. You've gone through the first two okay, but somehow you can't cross the finish line. There are too many emotional barriers you are setting up there like hurdles. Just picture in your mind that the finish line is just ahead. Crowds cheering, lights flashing, flags waving. You pull out of the inside lane, and pass your friend, and realize you are catching up to your girlfriend past, and as you pass her, you see a look of panic on her face. She realizes she can't keep you in this race longer than her, and she isn't going to win! You sprint like a spring pony right across that line- arms up in the air to the sound of adoring fans (AMHD people of course), and right into that beautiful place of the biggest win of your life!

You see behind you now that your ex has fallen flat on her face, and what sounds like a pathetic verse of some love song, and your best friend is limping along, and will eventually make the finish line, but in last place.

You have WON the race!! You rule!! Just as you accept your trophy, the town clock rings 12 times, and Happy New Year!! It is 2010, and you realize you have not only won the race, but you've won your freedom!

Don't look back, no regrets, move on, enjoy this short life, one victory at a time.

I forgot the Xmas present,it's not a good idea,you need to distance yourself from the friendship idea till you're completely over her,
Who knows buy then you might not even want her for a friend?

I'd be giving her a Christmas present all right, I'd be sending the 20 love songs back to her, along with a 'dear john' letter.

I don't really know if you are being ironic or not, but the christmas present would be as neutral as it can get, if you understand me. A friendly gift, not a boyfriendly gift.


Is this ever going to stop? How can you move forward when you are expecting, and receiving, smacks in the head from her.

I agree, and I have actually thought a bit about that. I'm thinking that if this happens again, with her showing me some love before she backs out again, I will react stronger.

I'm thinking among the lines: "I've made it clear that I want to support you, and that I still have feelings for you, but you cannot keep playing with my feelings this way. If you want me back, and say the right things, I will be willing to give you another chance. If you need time, I'll wait (though not forever) and give you the time. If you want to stay broken-up, alright. But don't play with my emotions and my mind."


The past is the past. Even if you add to the past with new knowledge of what went wrong, you will never have all the answers you need, and why do you need them anyway- hanging on a thread of hope?

Yeah, I guess I am hanging on a thread of hope. But I can't live with insecurity, really. I'm a very curious guy. I'd rather know that she never wants me or know that she might want me or know that she is dating my best friend than to have my mind spinning and wandering like this.


There comes a point where you can't go in two directions at the same time. You have a life to live, and you've exhausted the relationship, possible relationship, questions about the relationship, and the what ifs about the relationship, the past of the relationship, possible future of the relationship, and never stay put long enough to say, 'Enough!! '.

Do more than just talk about it this time. Just do it. Make 2010 YOUR year to shine, without any baggage from 2009. I liked the idea of making a list, and sticking to it as Llisa suggested. That doesn't mean changing it, adding to it, taking things off it, modifying it, or misinterpreting it to suit your mood at the moment.

Like all things, there is a beginning, a middle and an end. You've gone through the first two okay, but somehow you can't cross the finish line. There are too many emotional barriers you are setting up there like hurdles. Just picture in your mind that the finish line is just ahead. Crowds cheering, lights flashing, flags waving. You pull out of the inside lane, and pass your friend, and realize you are catching up to your girlfriend past, and as you pass her, you see a look of panic on her face. She realizes she can't keep you in this race longer than her, and she isn't going to win! You sprint like a spring pony right across that line- arms up in the air to the sound of adoring fans (AMHD people of course), and right into that beautiful place of the biggest win of your life!

You see behind you now that your ex has fallen flat on her face, and what sounds like a pathetic verse of some love song, and your best friend is limping along, and will eventually make the finish line, but in last place.

You have WON the race!! You rule!! Just as you accept your trophy, the town clock rings 12 times, and Happy New Year!! It is 2010, and you realize you have not only won the race, but you've won your freedom!

Don't look back, no regrets, move on, enjoy this short life, one victory at a time.

Thanks for the great advices!
My problem is in my mind, I believe. I want to get over her now, because chances are we'll never be together again. I want to be able to be happy without her. Maybe I want to meet some new girl in the future to share (parts?) of my life with, and I want to be able to get over her. But right now, I also want her back.
I just can't get over her, but can't do it. I don't know why.

I think I have done what I have read about on this forum, placing her over me. Her happiness over mine, her wishes over mine. I realize now that might have been a bad idea, but I still somewhat stand behind my choices, because on one hand I can't be happy if she isn't (or at least couldn't while being her boyfriend).

In addition, I'm still, as mentioned, hanging on a last thread of hope. I still love her so much, and she have sent me mixed signals - some saying maybe, some saying never, and I just don't want to burn all the bridges. I just want to get over her right now.

If she some time in the future comes to me and wants me back, that's something I will consider then. If I at that time want that as well, well then maybe, but even though I have hope of this, I don't want to hang on to that hope and wait forever. I want to let her know this in a way without burning all bridges, if you understand. I'm thinking in a way that I can't promise that my door for her will always be open, but it will never be locked either, just closed, so knocking might be worth while.


It's that darn emotional rollercoaster,some days are not great- I hope your tenta went well in spite of this.
As for what may or may not happen or what may be going on between the two of them,I'd trust them for now and try not to think about that.
You know,it's one day at the time at this stage so be patient with yourself.
.

Thanks, it went all right I think. I don't think it got that much worse because of my mind.

That's the thing, I really want to trust them both, but the fact that he's had contact with her even though he told me otherwise makes it harder for me. What happened as described earlier in the thread doesn't exactly increase my trust towards them either.

Thanks, I will try to keep up day by day, I've been doing good so far, had a high of almost 24 hours prior to today, so it's been good recently.


I forgot the Xmas present,it's not a good idea,you need to distance yourself from the friendship idea till you're completely over her,
Who knows buy then you might not even want her for a friend?

I don't want to hang out with her or keep in touch with her daily. I just want to show her that I still care about her in a nice way. I'm not talking a very expensive gift here, just something she'll enjoy and be happy from. I might just write her a card as well.

I will definitely consider all of those options, gift, card and nothing. I'm really not sure at this point.

Thanks for all of the replies!

You were friendly with her family weren't you? You could send one card to the whole family.:-)

Yes, but I think her mother were kind of splitted. She have actually been worried about me taking drugs (at one point I had a mohawk), but I and my girlfriend have assured her that I'm not into that stuff at all. I barely drink to get drunk, and never considered drugs.

She seemed to trust me after this initial suspiscion though, and I never heard anything abou the likes after.
Her father, I always got along well with, and her sister as well.

The card to the whole family would certainly be a good idea, but anyway I think I need some time to decide what to do in this case, and after all I still have som time.

Thanks for the great tip (: .

Your welcome!
Take care now!

Until you make a decision to put this behind you, and leave her alone, then it will be hard to look forward and see or pursue better options, and opportunities, that may be right in front of you.

I can understand your need for closure, and its much easier to give up if you know she has. Well she has guy, she isn't coming back.

Its not burning bridges to leave her alone, or don't send her anything for the holiday. That's acceptance, and you need that a lot more than closure, so you can heal your wounds, and start to fill the hole in your soul with the right things.

Letting the past go completely, is what sets you free. Only you can do this for yourself.

Thanks for the great advice talaniman. I don't know how you do it, but all of the advices I've read from you makes everything seem so clear.

I have gone for what I believe is three days now, without contacting her and I've been feeling better and better for each day.

It's just so hard for me to imagine her with anyone right now, especially my best friend. I guess seeing her move on that quickly (if that happens) would serve in both ways, in one way I'd feel more down because I'd feel like she didn't really take this thing that hard, and doesn't miss me. On the other hand, that would serve as a bit of closure.

I think you're right about her not coming back. It's just a dream I have. I see clearly now some things in the past that should have been red flags to me, as far as this thing (break-up) coming up. I'm just not very well at reading signs.

I will do my best to just let her and all of this go completely, I know I can do it. I just need a little time, I still feel like I need more time, but that's probably 100% normal. I'm in one way sad that christmas is coming up now, because it could potentially ruin a lot of my christmas spirit, but on the other hand I think it will be a well timed break.

In any way, I still don't think my best friend would be with my girlfriend, at least not yet. When I say he is a good guy, I really mean it. He's like the one guy who stands against if someone talks some about someone, even if the stuff they say is true. So, I trust him, but I have to admit I have a hard time - even though I don't want to - trusting my GF after all that's happened.

All I know is that I don't want to lose my best friend. I think there's a lot true in that friendships lasts forever, sweethearts come and go.

I will definietly try to get over it, to maintain no contact and accept my "fate" (sounds a bit overdramatic.)

On one hand, I still want to show her that I care about her by sending her something, maybe just a plain Happy Christmas card. But on the other hand, I think you're right about me having to move on from her now. I also think that she might need that in a way, I want to help her through her hard time as a friend as well, but she can't feel that I'm ALWAYS there either, she needs to take steps on her own some time as well (for all I know she already has).

As things are looking now, I will most likely not have any contact with her before next year. Unless she initiates, and it turns out to be something I cannot ignore (I.E. depression etc.).

Thanks a lot for your great reply and helping tips, talaniman :)!

Hi Misshersomuch,

There are so many new events that have happened that I want to reply to. But I'd like to say I didn't read all the pages of this feed. Until yesterday, I had only read pages one, five and six. After reading the pages in between I'm concerned about your ex's emotional state.

Because she was really depressed and had suicidal thoughts, I think she needs professional help. Even though she might be in an okay state now, I think she will need a professional to assist her with how to deal with the times when she is really stressed and down. Life being full of highs and lows, she will need to learn how to cope with the lows in a healthy way.

Do you know if she started seeing a psychiatrist? Also do her parents know about her depression and suicidal thoughts? You said that she doesn't get along well with her mother, and you also disclosed that there was a terrible incident with her mother and father where they emotionally hurt her. Are they good parents? Do they love her and want to support her with this?

If you think they will support her, then I think you should definitely tell them about her depression, anxiety, stress and suicidal thoughts. If you don't think they will, does she have a trusted aunt or uncle? Please let me know.

I understand that you might think telling her parents is to betray her trust, but the fact that she got so down as to think about suicide, makes the issue serious. I am definitely not pushing for you to tell them or anybody else who you think will not support her. I just mean in this situation appropriate action needs to be taken. Also I am not saying that she is in danger of taking drastic steps, but just for her general well being, I think the issue needs to be addressed properly.

Please note that I think you should maintain your no contact rule with her. I don't think you should talk to her or contact her at all. I think you will not be able to help her right now, because you are pretty messed up at the moment. I think you need to deal with your own issues and perhaps you might benefit from counselling as well, maybe a psychologist.

I also think you should maintain no contact with her, because you will likely unintentionally emotionally drain her a bit (because you love her and want to be with her). Neither of you need the added strain on your emotional states at the moment. And I think it would just complicate the current issues for you both.

I missed the last few posts, before I posted the above. Maybe you shouldn't get involved. It sounds like how you are dealing with everything has improved dramatically. I agree with talaniman and so am glad to see you've taken his advice. Keep strong, and I hope you keep moving forward.

I have considered talking with her parents about this, also at several earlier occations while we were still dating. I said that I could just be there with her, or talk for her if she wanted me to, so that they could understand how she was doing (and still is).

She wouldn't let me, not at all. She wanted to deal with this herself, I accepted this but told her I'd help her any way I could and she would want me to.

The thing is that she have tried to tell them about her situation several times, but because she's always hided her real emotions, or at least some of them, from her parents, because she didn't want them to know that she was depressed, they wouldn't believe her when she told them about how she actually was doing. They said that she shouldn't complain and that life is though. They don't believe her when she tells them how she is doing.

I don't know, and don't think, that she's seeing any expert yet. I believe she's still waiting for one via the school nurse, but I don't know for sure.

I do know that one of her friends have gone through a lot of the same things that she is doing now, with the home situation, and that she frequently speaks with her though. So she is talking with an amateur expert if I might call it that.

I do know that over the last three weeks or so, she have (not sure how often) talked a bit about her situation with her teachers as well as with the school nurse, and I think that she is trying to deal with this herself. I've told her that even though I'm not her boyfriend now, I still want to help her through this, so if she needs me she can contact me.

Based on this, I've decided to not talk about her issues with anyone, I even keep most of the stuff away from my best friend, even though he knows some of it. I'm just not comfortable talking with anyone about her behind her back, even if it's with a good intention.

I'm still going no contact, and today was definitely another high for me, I was able to not think about her throughout most of the day at school, had quite a bit of fun, and I believe I was able to hide my sadness, if you understand what I mean. To shut away the sad feelings and keep happy.

Thanks a lot for the tips, but as long as I know that she is dealing with this herself and doesn't want my involvement right now, I will stay away from both her, her parents and anyone else, regarding her emotional state.

I'm considering to go talk with the school nurse on Monday, but I haven't quite decided yet. I feel like I'm doing better already, and I'm getting frequent attention and help from my teachers, but then again I might just be fooling myself.

Thanks a lot for your replies Llisa!

See the nurse on Monday if you feel like it,I do think you're doing well though,and you will continue to do so by sticking to the no contact and keeping busy.
Plus you have a support network which is always a good thing.
Keep going!:-)

Stay out of the way of her helping herself, as you have enough work to do on yourself. Leave her parents out of this, as you should be leaving them alone as well.

Nice you want to support her as a friend, but right now I think it does more harm than good for you both.

Sorry guy, I understand your feelings, but strict NC, is the thing to do. Hard at this time of year, but for the best. That includes a Christmas greeting. Bad idea.

I think you might be right, talaniman, because I have that feeling as well, and you always seem to be right, so I will do as you suggest and stay away from her regarding a Christmas greeting as well.

But what if she contacts me, though? I know I'm not ready for either a friendship or dating right now, but I don't want to be 100 % rejective, that's just not how I roll. I guess that if she sends me a message saying Merry Christmas, I'll just reply the same, keeping it short and simple. Or should I rather ignore the message?
I'm kind of splitted here, both things seem to make sense to me.

Thanks a lot for the reply, talaniman :) .


See the nurse on Monday if you feel like it,I do think you're doing well though,and you will continue to do so by sticking to the no contact and keeping busy.
Plus you have a support network which is always a good thing.
Keep going!:-)

Yeah, I think I'll do that. If not for nything else, it feels good to have someone to talk to.

Thanks, I really feel like I'm doing progress already myself, so I will definitely stick to no contact. Having people to talk to is great.

Thanks a lot!

For NC to work it needs to be 100% and that includes ignoring all contact that the ex initiates as well as not contacting her yourself.
You're doing this for you and your healing,not to be rude,but so that you won't take a step backwards after a contact.
Its about you and your life now.

I guess that if she sends me a message saying Merry Christmas, I'll just reply the same, keeping it short and simple.

That's cool, as long as you keep it very short.

Its like passing someone on a side walk, they say "HI", and you say "HI", and you both keep walking.

Yeah, that's what I thought. I'm not going to ignore her if I walk past her, I'll still say hi to her, you know.

But I'm starting to move on now, I think. I don't think I would be depressed or hurt if she were to go out with my best friend, at this point. I'd feel let down by my best friend, and it remains to be seen if he could be forgiven for such a thing, first stealing my GF and then lying about it, but I'd be more angry than sad, really.

And if she does all she have done, and then goes out with my best friend and lies about it, saying they don't even have contact - well then she's not really a girl I'd want. I think I deserve better than that, after all.

I'm going to talk with my best friend tomorrow, I think, and I'll ask him straight out, because I need to know if something is going on between them. I won't talk to her about it no matter what his reply is, but I just need to know where he is standing right now.

Thanks for all of your replies everyone, and your help. It's really working, I feel better by the hour tonight.

Take care everyone.

Ask your friend to be totally honest with you,you deserve nothing else.
You take care too and let us know how it goes.

I talked with my friend today.

Before I said something, I needed to know where he was standing right now, with my ex, so I asked him straight out.

He told me that after all this, there obviously had been a bit of contact between them, you know, talking, but that they had decided to take a break.

I told him how I felt about the thing.
I told him that I feel like there's a line that you don't cross with your friends girlfriend, and that I feel like he has. I also told him that even though I felt forgiving him was the right thing to do this time, he couldn't expect a forgiveness to come this easily if something like this should happen again.

I had a really hard time just saying those few words, so I just had to leave after I had said that.

Shortly afterwards, I sent him a message, asking if he understood what I meant and if he could understand how I felt. He said he really could.

I asked him if they were friends or something more right now, and he said that they were friends and just had talked a bit after all that's happened.

He said that he felt like a break between them was the best thing for all of us right now.

I told him that I feel I deserve him being completely honest with me, and asked him if there were something more between them than just being friends, even if it's on hold for now.

He said that he doesn't know how she feels right now, but that he has a friendship with her, and that right now it's not working, so he told them to take a break.

I'm glad that he was honest with me, and I feel relieved just having said my part to him, no matter what the outcome should be.

I believe him when they say they are just friends, and on a break, and to be honest, I'm glad, because I don't know if I could've handled anything between them right now.

The only thing I don't like is how he constantly uses the words on a break, it makes me feel like there's something more going on between them, but I guess I might be overanalyzing things right now.

What do you guys think?

I think I would keep my distance from them both, and be busy with doing my own thing for a while. The world is to big to be stuck in an uncomfortable situation, and its filled with a lot of interesting people, who are not confused, stuck on stupid, or conflicted about themselves.

Yeah, that's what I think as well. My only problem is that I go to school with my friend, and my seat is the seat right next to him in the classroom.

On the bright side, I have just five days left of school before christmas, so I think I can make it through. I just don't know how to act towards him those five days, because I'll see him all day for those five days at school.

As far as my ex goes, I'm sticking to no contact with her. I feel better over the situation between me and my ex today, I just don't want to loose my friend as well. But even though I don't want to loose him, I don't know if I can take it if he essentially steals my girlfriend. All I know is that he does well in letting it rest for a while right now. If things are to work out between my and my friend, I think he should stay away from my ex for at least a couple of months, but only time will tell.

That's up to them what they do about each other, and you have no control over that, but you can control your own actions, and remove yourself from this mess.

These things tend to have lasting effect on everyone involved, and your to emotional for the "what if" drama.

Dear Misshersomuch,

I hope you follow Talaniman's advice. This is out of your control and will only serve to hurt you if you keep giving it importance in your life. All the best.

(I'm afraid this got quite long, as usual. Sorry!)
Thanks for your replies guys.

I know you are right, but I'm just so confused by my mixed feelings right now.

On one hand, I suspect that my friend still has a relationship with my ex, which bothers me to say the least. If he does, it's what I consider a serious trust issue - does that mean I can't leave him alone with any future girlfriends, because of the fear that he might kiss her or try to steal her? And how can I forgive him for stealing the girl I love?
In one way, I don't want her back, because of the pain she has given me. I'll always think about the risk for that happening again, of her hurting me the same way.

On the other hand, I still love her very much - despite her actions and mistakes, and I miss her so much. If she came and asked me today, asked of forgiveness and a new chance, I wouldn't be able to resist. I messed up once, in a matter of how she felt and how I acted towards her (I acted childish, you could say), and she gave me another chance. I feel that if she really wants a new chance, and tells me the right things, she deserves one.

I just don't know what to do right now. I really, really don't want to lose my friend, but as I said, if he goes after her, how can I forgive him for that?

I still want her back, but I have no idea what she wants.
I saw her twice today. The one time, I walked past her classroom and looked her straight into her eyes, sort of by accident (I didn't realize she was sitting there before our eyes made contact). She just looked at me, and I couldn't make myself stop to see her reaction of seeing me, even though I wanted to.

The second time, I saw her standing talking with her friends. I was standing with some people from my class, about 50m away. I kept looking towards her, and at first she didn't seem to be annoyed by this, but all of the sudden she walked away with her friends, might have been an incident though.

I'm thinking of giving her a christmas gift after all, to more exact, there's an artist I really like and that I know that she likes but she haven't got any records by him. I've always talked about making a best of record for her, and I was thinking maybe I could do that for her for christmas. But on the other hand, maybe I should stay away completely from her.

I really don't know what to do right now. My friend seems to be very down from all of this, and I didn't talk much with him at school today. I just don't know what to say to him. If he is in fact having a relationship with my ex, I don't know how to forgive that. But on the other hand, I don't see him as the type of doing that. But I guess people can surprise you.

One thing that I am a bit surprised by, but I guess I might just be analyzing this too much, is this.

About three months before I started dating my ex, I dated this other girl at my school for about a month. I don't really know why, because I didn't have any special feelings for her. It turned out she did have for me though, so when I realized that I didn't, and ended it, she became very hurt. I felt bad for all of this, but at the time I was so insecure about my feelings.

When I got together with my ex after this, this other girl became very mad at her, I guess you could call it jealous.
My ex felt like this girl hated her.

A couple of months later, this girl gets together with a mate of mine. They seem to be happy together etc.

In the summer however, it turns out she cheated opn him. On several occations, and it went pretty far (we're talking sex here).
At first she lied about it, but then he found out and broke up with her.

Now, I've learned that my ex all of the sudden started hanging with this girl after our break-up. Mind you that this girl used to hate my ex, and they never hung together before.
I sort of have a feeling that my girlfriend might be doing this because she knows that this girl have gotten over cheating on a guy, is this ridiculous and paranoid of me to think?

If you cannot see you need to step way back from this entire situation, then I don't know what to tell you. You are to close to have an objective perspective at this time. Now your grasping for straws to explain what you don't know.

I know I should be staying away from all of this, especially my ex - which I believe I am, going one week of no contact now.

It's just the whole deal with my friend that's bothering me the most, and I don't think I can pull away from that as easily. I don't know how to act towards him or say to him right now, because I don't really know what the situation with him and my ex is, and I don't know how to ask him either. All I know is that if there indeed is something between them, I'll just have to avoid him for a while, because I see stealing your best friends girlfriend as something that just isn't acceptable.

But on the other hand, I don't see him as the guy to do such a thing. But then again, I wouldn't expect him to kiss her in the first place.

I will stay away from my ex the best I can, but I feel like I need to sort out the situation with my friend right now. What should I do? Talk with him again?

It's a tricky one,maybe you're better off leaving things as they are till after the hols-that would give you more time to get heal . Overthinking any situation is not a great idea,even though I can understand why you're doing it.

Even though it is the hardest thing to do, you need to do nothing. Just leave it alone for the moment till you have more perspective. And definitely don't give you ex a present!! That would only do harm to both you and her.

You've talked with them both already. If you think about it they've alread told you what the situation is. She doesn't want to be with you. They are most likely not together and will not get together and anyway there is nothing you can do about it.

Just chin up and wait out this pain. Try to fill your time with activities. All the best.

The overthinking is a trap that will keep you in its grip, and have you replaying parts of your life over and over again.

It becomes a continuous loop, and each part becomes more and more complicated because the questions just keep repeating themselves.

Accept that you cannot read minds, see the future, or change the past. It is what it is, quite simply, out of your control.

That is the most difficult thing to accept. Keeping the thoughts going is a way of hanging on to possibilities, solving the problems in order to get the answers you want.

Try to focus on practical, day to day things that you do have control over, and that don't cause obsessive thoughts.

Thanks for all of your replies. The last 24 hours haven't been quite as I would've thought.

Last night, she sent me a message saying she wanted to call me. She said she wanted to talk, because she could guess how I was feeling through all of this insecurity. My first thought was to keep up no contact, but as you've probably learned by now I'm weak for closure. Besides, I felt like she might need it for her own well being as well, so when she called, I answered.

We talked for quite a while. She told me that her and my friend have very strong feelings for each other, but because of me and my well being they didn't want to do anything, to not ruin me and my relationship with my friend. We talked about this for a while, and she told me that she feels like she has hurt me way too much already, and that she doesn't want to break my heart completely.

After a while, she asked me how I was doing. I told her I was doing OK and not to worry, but I think she might have been told from my friend that I'm not doing that well. Anyway, she said that I shouldn't lie to her, and told me to tell me how I really was doing.

Before I knew it, I fell apart and just started to cry. I told her how I was doing, which is not very well, having not eated or slept properly since the break-up. She comforted me over the phone for almost an hour. We then decided to meet up today, so that we could talk plus she wanted to give me a hug.

I don't think I need to go into details about this talk, we talked about her feelings for me and my friend, and more about how they didn't want to anything with it (yet, anyway) so that they don't tear me apart. I told her I appreciate this. Most of the conversation was really just about how we both were doing and more into details abot everything.

I also admitted to her, because I felt she deserves me being honest with her, that I'm not over her yet, and that I still have very strong feelings for her. She told me that she understood, but that she couldn't do anything with it. I told her I knew that, and that I respected her feelings and wishes, and that I was trying to get over her for her sake, but it would take time.

Throughout the whole time, she was great, really. She kept trying to make me smile, gave me lots of hugs and really showed me that she still cares about me. I felt a lot better after this talk.

She told me that she had been thinking about me every day, every hour and every minute since the break. I told her that I had been doing the same for her and then we talked a bit about all of that (I don't think I need to go into all the details, or this will get far to long).

I told her that I appreciated all of her honesty, and the fact that she cares so much about me. I also said that I could see reasons for not doing this, but that I wanted her to tell me about it if something happened between her and my friend. Being honest would be best for all of us.

She told me to contact her if I needed to talk and to take care.

As I said, I'm a fan of closure,

I think I'm going to talk with my friend tomorrow, to let him know how I feel about all of this. I don't want to loose this friendship of ours, but he needs to rebuild the trust he broke in that case. I believe friendship is built on trust - I need to be able to leave my girlfriend with my friend without him kissing her.

I feel one step closer to getting over her now, really. It felt good to talk with her anyway, and she sent me a message later saying that she felt the same.

What do you guys think?

(I don't think I left out anything important, but just ask if you think that I did)

I think you need to stop calling her your girlfriend.

Whoah, yeah you are definitely right, and I've been calling her my ex for the previous posts. I guess it's what you could call an online slip of the tongue.

EDIT: If you mean in the part where I say I need to be able to leave my girlfriend with my friend without him kissing her, that was meant in a more general way. Saying, if I get a girlfriend later on, I need to be able to trust him. (And she was still my girlfriend when he kissed her)

I don't think that is something you should be concerned with right now. You can sort that later on with your friend when you are better, sometime in the future.

Also, if your next girlfriend loves you and wants to be with you, she won't want to kiss other guys. I think your ex did this mostly because she didn't want to be with you but didn't know what to do. I know screwy isn't it.

Yeah, I know that about my ex, she's been completely honest about losing her feelings for me etc. It sort of makes it easier for me to get over her, strangely enough, knowing that she doesn't feel the same for me as she used to. It makes it easier to realize that it in fact is over, rather than the relationship ending over a disagreement.

About my friend, yes, it's an issue for the future, because I know I'm far from ready for a girlfriend now. It will end up bad for both me and her if I get one right now, I'm just not ready for it.

However, I do feel like I need to rebuild my relationship with my friend from day one, therefore, I think I should talk with him, even though it's still hard for me.

I believe friendship is built on trust - I need to be able to leave my girlfriend with my friend without him kissing her.

I think you meant what you said, it was not a slip of the tongue, and it was not meant to imply something other than what it was.

This really has to stop. She needs to leave you alone and stop the b.s. your friend needs to stop the b.s. and all three of you need to live your own lives.

You cannot pretend that what you are doing, thinking, and how you are behaving will have her return to you. If she does, it will be out of pitty. What she is doing, is warming you up to the truth that she wishes to be involved with your friend, but she doesn't want you to be unstable when she does.

While that may seem 'kind' and 'caring', it is not her concern how you get over her, only that you do. Her sentiment is merely to clear her own conscience, not ease yours. And don't think for a moment that her and your friend thouroughly talk this over.

I am out of advice for you, and tired of going around the mullberry bush here.

Time to make a decision, take responsibility for your own life, let others live their lives, and get a grip on this.

Why you set yourself up to be crushed over and over again, is beyond me.

I know that she won't return to me, and I'm starting to accept that. I know this.

I really meant nothing else than I said I meant by using the word 'girlfriend'.

I'm sorry to seem so arrogant over this, and I'm just a little kid, but I still believe that they have talked about this. Because I know them better than you, I know how they tend to act. I choose to believe them.

EDIT: And I know I can't keep them from being together. In fact, I believe they will end up together eventually. But I also believe them when they tell me that they won't do anything of the likes as of yet. And, if they choose to do so (before I've gotten the time I need), I'm ready to just walk out on them, because if they at that point don't care that much about me, I don't see why I should care about them. But I believe in forgiveness, and I believe in giving people another chance.

I agree that they are as you've said nice and kind people. That is why you liked them in the first place. But I agree with what Jake says about the bs. Even though your ex is trying to help you by talking to you. These hugs and talks aren't helping you at all.

To move on from this place of pain you need to maintain no contact. And if you want to, then talk to your friend, I can't stop you I'm in cyberspace :D lol. But I would advise you to give it a bit more time. He's your friend, he'll still be there in a few week or months or when you are a bit better.

Also I think you should only talk to him when you don't break down when you think about your ex with another person. Because when you start rebuilding your friendship with him, you can't have any ulterior motives, i.e.. Influencing him not see her. And truthfully that is one of your motives. The only outcome you can control here is how you behave.

Hi again,

I found this really great post by Zeenie

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/not-sure-how-deal-ex-fiance-walking-out-me-3-months-before-wedding-269548-18.html#post2128432

(I only read page 18)

She gives this really great report on 13/12/09 on how she is doing a year later. And I thought you might like to read it.

Hei! Its really long but went interesting as its completely genuine and straight from your heart. Its good that you are in an approx to like both your girlfriend and your best friend. And I should not regret you anyway. I appreciate your understanding. I guess, all mis-understanding are disclosed. Well, I would like to suggest you suggestions writing my own short story. Its real as you could find my interest commenting you on your note as your feelings almost exactly corresponds to my feelings these days. In my situation,I could pretend as your girlfriend. I hope its interesting to you.

This summer 09', I happened to meet a sporty girl as to my liking every time. Knowing each other better and better for the next 4 months till now, we happened to like each other. Just to like not to love. I proposed her after 5 months since our first meet in a way sending a text message 'I LIKE YOU'. We were totally not in love,I guess. From next day, we felt comfortable dealing each other in front of friends and our family members. I feel very proud to be next to her every time. I liked to be teased by my friends when I am with her. Commitments were the things we had been trying to develop. She believed me more than I did to her as I feel. I want to make it short (we knew each other very well that I feel she cannot have any reason to regret if only if I proposed her)

On those days, I was working as a tutor for my University here in Finland. I was supposed to help a sexy sweet Russian girl. We happened to be in the same apartment. We became friends. We were good friends. Although, my liking girl (near girlfriend) was not near with me, but I feel comfortable explaining how much I like to that girl to my sweet Russian friend. I know we were, we are and we would be just just only friends. In fact, I have told to my girl, that I have a very good Russian fren and bla bla. She din't have had any problem. I was happy to make strong bond between us without any feeling of jealousy. But, situation turned worst.

One day, some few weeks ago, my liking girl's brother happen to see me and the russian girl on the way to the Market. We were under the same umbrella catching hands as to the compulsion for the rainy day. I admit that seemed kind of peculiar and an image of a play boy. But, I am not. There was not even any thing that I feel describing word 'Pleasure for opposite sex'. Well, the Russian girl could only understand the situation.

Next day, in msn my liking girl sends me note that she would just like to be my friend rather than being in any kind of relationship. I was surprised. Trying to find out the reason for the note, came to know that I was actually with the russian girl. I was stopped. I didn't have any answer. Subsequently, she dumped me so easily. Those belief, those moments were just those. They are past. And today, I am just suffering. I hate myself. I ask myself- Why would I try to be with any other else if I already like someone so much? But, its just the situation that made me so 'CRAP'

Well, my liking girl she understands me. Russian girl did talk to her. Everything is okei. But, not the same feeling. I reckon, we are not meant to be together. Its life. My situation made me post in Facebook the same songs we used to like together that could satire her. My Facebook status is always highlighting those extra-ordinary moments we had. Everything I do, I do for satiring with infinite expectation so that she could be the same girl I used to be with.

I hope you understood. I love if the girl comes to me, at least talk good way. At least walk with me. At least feel pity for me. Catching hands or kissing good are so far away but happened to do the same to whom I don't love or like at all.

Analysing your note and my situation broda, I hope you just need to ring the bell of your girlfriend and then give a smooch kiss until she feels relaxed and calm. I wish my girl would do to me. I think we have almost the same story. Just the gender is different. And, that the point. That's has made me easy to share my feelings to you. You are in internet so I don't feel any regret sharing feelings to unknown people.

I am sure you will get your girlfriend back if you have courage to propose her once again, if you really feel that whatever she posts in Facebook or whatever she does satires you in a way... because... in my story.. I am your girlfriend. I want you to come to me and propose me, kiss me, love me.

GOOD LUCK MAN!

Yours unknown New friend...
CHEERS"""!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS

Warning: This got very long, I'm sorry and I hope you'll bear with me. I just have a lot to say.

-

Thanks a lot for your replies, everyone. I have read them all, and I appreciate all of them.

I haven't posted in a while, because I knew it would have to be quite long, and I've been quite confused you could say.

This will be more of an update than a reply, really.

-

There are some things I haven't talked a lot about you guys with.
After the breakup, I have been having serious issues of sleeping.
I counted back one weekend, and found out that I had slept a total of about 10 hours over those past five days.

I've also been having trouble eating like usual, and at the worst I was down at one or zero meals per day. This is quite unusual for me, I love eating (but I'm skinny).

Another thing I haven't told you guys too much about either, because I thought I was dealing with it myself, is that I have been having suicidal thoughts.
Not every day, but once in a while since the breakup. The reasons I haven't told you is that I always “talked myself out of it”, but I see now that I perhaps should have.

-

The day after I met up with my ex (15th), I went back to no contact with her. I didn't speak too much with my friend either, as I'm starting to feel more and more like he let me down. I don't want him to know that I feel like this, because he's been having depressions earlier in his life (as shortly described in first post), and I think he might be headed back into some of them now.

-

The next day (16th) I was back at the suicidal thoughts. Only this time, they were more intense and serious than ever, I was considering the pros and cons of different methods, and the percentage rate of success.
I'm not kidding.

At one point, I went up on the roof as well (fifth floor), but I wasn't close to the edge before turning around.

I thought “OK, this is serious” and that I no longer could handle this myself. I didn't feel like talking with anyone about this kind of stuff, as it's quite personal in one way. I decided to do as you guys plus my ex had advice me to, and I went to see the school nurse.

I talked with her for about two hours. I talked about everything from my childhood etc. (do you want me to go into detail about this? Let me know and I'll do. I won't now to keep it shorter) to the past weeks.

I really felt a lot better after this, and I haven't been considering suicide since.

At this point I felt like I needed to talk with my friend (I hadn't spoken seriously with him for the past few days), and tell him how I felt etc. But on the other hand, I still have too much in my head to think completely straight now, and I sure did back then.

I decided to talk with him but to keep it as short as possible.
I walked with him home from school, and told him that I didn't want all of this to ruin the relationship between me and him, but at the same time this isn't something I can accept. (Not going into details to keep it shorter).

He told me that he fully understands, and that he never wanted this to happen and that he messed up big time. He said he wished that all would be back to normal.

At this point I had broken down and could barely talk. I just told him again that I don't want this to ruin anything, but right now I simply don't know and that I just need some time. He told me that he understood, and felt the same way.

-

When I got home, I forced myself to eat something. After that I spent the rest of the day and evening with my sister (19 yrs), who had just gotten home for Christmas as she lives in a different country.
As I said, I spent the evening with her. I actually sat up with her until about 03 AM, and it was the first time in weeks I had been able to relax for a longer period.

As I was going to bed, I checked my phone, and noticed a lot of calls and messages from my ex spread over the past 4-5 hours.

I could tell from the messages that she needed someone to talk to, so I decided to call her back.

I don't think I've ever heard her this far down. She told me that she really, really misses me and that she just couldn't bear it anymore. She had been hiding those feelings from me, in order to not hurt me anymore. I told her that I miss her as well.

After that, I tried avoiding that sort of talk with her (for my own sake, as far as getting over her) but I talked with her for about two hours, trying to make her feel better. When we hung up (about 05 AM), we had agreed to meet up tomorrow and talk some more. I could tell she needed it.

-

I met up with her at a café, and at first I tried to focus on her and how she was doing. Of course, we came into the subject of her missing me.

I considered just rejecting her, but I couldn't make myself do it. I know you guys will object to this, but I was prepared for this and had decided already. Let me at least try to defend my decision:
I know I'm putting myself up to be hurt now. I know.
But I feel like this: no pain no gain. The first time I opened up for her, I ran the risk of getting hurt as well. Not as badly, of course, but still. I had been in love with her for two years so it was a big step for me. But I took the chance. What did I get? The best year of my life, with the girl I love.

So, I decided to be honest with her.

I told her that I miss her as well, and that I still love her. We talked things through, and we both agreed that if anything were to happen, both of us were going to need time.

Over the evening we got close and closer again, and we ended up kissing. I can assure you both wanted it (at that time anyway), as it happened rather slowly and both of us had the chance to back out several times.
After that, we both agreed that if anything, both of us need time.

We spent the rest of the evening together though, and went to eat and actually had a very good time. I felt as a friend to her at that point, nothing more, and didn't act otherwise either. I think both of us had good use of that time together, as it was a chance to relax a bit and not worry so much.

I think she felt better after this, seemed like it anyway.
-

The next few days, I didn't speak too much with her. Our only contact was over online chat, and consisted mainly of friendly chatting.
She brought up that she had been working on a Christmas gift for me, and I confessed the same.
We decided to meet up on Saturday to exchange gifts.

We met up, and she seemed very happy to see me. I hadn't seen her like this for a long time, certainly feeling better now.

What I gave her was:
Chocolate I know she likes, to cheer her up when she's down.
A CD I've promised to make her long before this happened.
Another CD I know she'll like.
A poem I wrote to her. (Love poem)

She made me open her gifts at that time, so I did the same to her.

Her gifts were great, and made me really happy (doesn't matter what they were).

I warned her before giving her the poem that she might not want to read it. She insisted on doing so.

She read the poems before my eyes. When she was done, she started crying. Then she gave me a big hug, saying it was the best gift she had ever gotten. I could tell that she was touched.

After this, we said goodbye (she's gone away for the holidays now), and wished each other happy Christmas, and gave each other a big hug. We agreed that if any one of us wanted to contact each other, we could do so by phone.

I spent the weekend with my family and buying Christmas gifts for relatives.
-

On Monday (21st) I talked with the school nurse again. I told her the truth, that I'm feeling a lot better.
I'm no longer feeling suicidal, at all, I'm sleeping much better (not normal, yet) and eating a lot more (not normal, yet).
I also told her about what happened since the last time that I met her, and she made me feel even better.

The next couple of days were spent with my family. I'm looking forward to meeting the rest of my relatives (that live in my hometown) tomorrow, another chance to relax a bit. I'm really glad I have a holiday now; it's a great chance to fix myself, if I could put it that way. I feel like I need the break.

-
In general, I feel a lot better now. As I said, I'm eating and sleeping a lot more than I did.
I also feel glad that my friend seems to be on the same page as me, if you could say that. I feel egoistic for thinking like this, but I don't think our friendship can go back to what it was if he gets into a relationship with my ex. Not for a long time, anyway.

I'm not sure, at all, what's going to happen between me and my ex. I literally have no idea. I do however feel better after we talked, because we both got to say how we felt and agreed on taking some time before deciding anything – whether it is to try again or to say broken up.

-

I do know I might have done a stupid thing by not rejecting her calls. I know I'm putting myself up to be hurt by her, and used by her to feel better. I know this.
This is a chance I'm willing to take.

However, if I find out that she in fact is using me to feel better, as if I'm the guy you can come to when you need him and leave him In a dump for the rest of the time, I will let her know that I won't accept that. I just won't put up with it.

But as long as I don't think this is the case, I'm taking the risk.

Thank you for reading all of this. I'm sorry it got so long. I hope you understood most of it, don't hesitate to ask if something is unclear or you're wondering about something.

I appreciate all replies! And Merry Christmas to all of you!

On the plus side, you are in control, and slowly finding your comfort zone for both your friend and your ex.

I think it was inevitable that you would eventually have some sort of face to face encounter, and I think you handled it well. I am very proud of you that you went back to the nurse, and took that step.

What you do next is up to you, but try to remember to put it all in perspective, and keep it that way, you will have to be prepared for good, and bad. If you can somehow even out the emotions and just take it and see things for what they are, you won't end up backsliding to that dark side again.

I am happy you are busy with family and Christmas. It will be good to catch up and have some fun with them and give you something to keep you busy.

I truly hope you have a peaceful holiday, and that you'll post with your progress.

Hi again Jake, thanks a lot for replying!

Yes, I definitely feel like I'm in control again.

I actually feel more or less ready to start working on my friendship with my friend again. I know this will take time, but I feel like he's too good a guy, we are too good a match and used to have too good a relationship to let a girl get between us. I'm not even seventeen yet!

I like this saying, even though I believe in true love:

Girls come and go but true friendship lasts forever.

I'm not saying I'm ready to start pretending like nothing happened or something, I'm more thinking of getting back to rehearsing with the band we both play in (been 8-9 weeks since the last time) etc.

I also feel more ready for facing whatever happens between me and my ex now. I no longer feel like my life, future or happiness depends on her. It's actually quite a relief to be rid of those thoughts! I guess you could say I'm starting to believe more in myself.

I don't know how I'll feel about all of this tomorrow though. My feelings about this (well, about how ready I am etc.) change from day to day. Perhaps I'm thinking too positive because of how great a time I had with my family this evening, who knows.

Bottom line is that I'm feeling better!

Thanks a lot, I hope you have a great holiday as well. I definitely update you on how I'm doing.

By the way, I have an appointement with the school nurse for the middle of January plus a standing agreement to contact her if I should need to. It feels good to have someone to contact, and I somehow haven't been able to say much to anyone I "know". A lot of people have asked, and even though I want to talk with them I just can't do it. But now that I have someone to talk to, I feel much better.

Merry Christmas!

Take care.

I'm happy that you're feeling better!
Have a Merry Christmas and A Great 2010!

Short update (actually, it got quite long as usual):

We (my ex and I) have been a little on and off on the contact side lately, so I decided to send her a good night message last night (text message). Just friendly, saying "Good night:)".

The reply I got said something about her following a relative home, because of the weather and that I should sleep well etc. She finished the message with hearts and saying that I'm her beloved (in a lover way, not friend way).

Two minutes later she said sorry, that she's a little drunk (she was at this sort of party thing that night), and that the message was indended to a friend of hers (with dots after that). She also apologised, and said that she didn't want to confuse me.
I should add that this is a close, female friend of her.

I replied asking if she usually called her friend for her beloved. She said first that she didn't realise, then that it wasn't intended to send it to me. I asked who the message was intended to, and she replied the same thing. Then she said I must've misunderstood, and that it was an internal humour thing.

I said that it all seemed a little weird, and she said that it's not because she had this little gag going on with this friend of her that night (I know she was with that friend).

I said okay, and good night.

Now, you can all guess what I'm thinking. I want to believe her, but it seems to me that the most likely scenario is that she sent a message to me instead of to my friend (mentioned in this topics title), by accident.

The reasons I am doubting this, however is the following:

She has said she doesn't want to ruin my friendship with my friend, and knows that them having a relationship will.
He has done the same.
She has told me that she loves me a couple of weeks after we broke up, and she seemed still interested in me.
Both of them have guaranteed that there's nothing between them.

So, I sent her a message this evening, asking who the message really was intended to. I haven't gotten a reply yet.

I don't know what to do about this. I've gotten to the point where I was starting to move on, I've stopped taking it all so badly and I was ready to start working on my friendship with my friend, and to place that friendship a bit higher on my priority list than trying to win back this ex of mine.

Now, I don't know what to do. I know that if this is what's happened, I cannot regain my friendship with him (this is what I'm imagining has happened right now):

He kissed my ex while she was my girlfriend, which lead to her breaking up with me and getting together with him, thus making me feel like he stole her from me.

What's worse about this is that if this is true, he has also lied to me about it all - over a long period.

Now, her being dishonest to me, I can sort of live with - because right now I'm starting to accept her not being a part of my life anymore (unwillingly, but still).

Getting this from your best friend, whom you go to school with and play in a band with though, is worse.

If this is the case, I see no choice but to just break off the friendship. I feel like I deserve better than this in the first place, and especially if he has lied to me.

On the other hand, I know I tend to overanalyze stuff and always prepare for the worst case scenario. The good part about that is that I won't get so crushed if it's true, the bad thing is that I might tend to always think bad of people and come with false accusations.

I also have a feeling that I'm taking this all to serious and that they both have been honest to me, and that she actually intended to send that message to her (female) friend.

I want to believe her. I want to believe him.
I want to believe that they respect me so much that they don't have anything going, and she IS capable of pulling such a gag (she does things like that). The thing that makes me wonder is that she actually wrote this love thing in spanish (she is fluent in spanish), and as you might now, spanish grammar differs between male and female. She used male.

What should I do? I have already sent her another message asking who it really was to, but haven't gotten a reply (as I said).

I was planning on contacting my friend tomorrow, to plan a band practice, but don't know after this.
On one hand I want to ask him straight out, however, I feel like I'm asking him all the time if there's something between them, and I've already told him that if he wants this friendship to work he needs to be honest and open to me about it if something is to happen between them.

I'm really lost right now!
Right now, if my worst case scenario is true, I don't care about my ex anymore - not in that way anyway, I've sort of given up on us two if that's the case.

My friend however, if he first steals my (ex)girlfriend from me (I say steal, because she was with me when it all started. Would've been a different matter if we already were exes as we are now), but even worse lies about it - not once or twice but many times - over a long period. I can't live with that, but I don't want to "live without him" either.

What should I do? I'm seriously lost in my thoughts right now.

Did she use the word querido? If so it was meant for a guy so that sounds dodgy to me.
On the other hand if they are seeing each other don't you think you'd have been told by the gossips by now?
I think you need to go complete NC with the ex-to avoid all confusion when she next drunktexts you.
As for your friend how many times can you ask him?
If he is lying to you he won't admit it never mind how many times you ask.

She wrote "amor mio" with hearts around it.

Yeah, I'm going to go NC now after I've gotten a chance to ask her again. The reason I wasn't NC now was the definitely was sending me signals of wanting us to work it out, as I've described earlier.

I don't know what to do with my friend, that's where I'm lost. I might be wrong about all of this, but if I'm not I just can't accept it. IF this is what's happened (still if), meaning first stealing my (ex) girlfriend and then lying, I can't keep considering him a friend of mine.

However, he's the opposite of the guy I'd expect to do such a thing, and I just can't make myself believe that this is in fact what's happened.

I need to know for sure if it's the case or not, but I don't know how to find out. As youv'e said, if my friends lied already he might as well do it again. I don't know if my ex will reply to the message I sent.

I don't know about the gossip part, as I really don't think her friends would "betray" her and tell if she told them not to tell. They're not that kind. And besides, I have no troubles imagining her keeping it from them.

In a way, this might be something I needed to really start realizing that me and my ex are no more. And it feels god in a way, because then I've at least got a definite answer. Seeing it as I've been trying to accept losing her for a month now, that's not the worst thing anymore. It's my friendships that's bugging me.

I cannot let my friend steal my (ex) girlfriend, and then lie to me and still be my friend. But on the other hand, I don't want to draw any hastened conlcusion based on something that might be a misunderstanding (from my part).

I somewhat doubt getting a reply from my ex, and don't know how to ask my friend in the proper way!

Tell him that if he values your friendship he owes you the truth. And if it IS true he is not who you thought he were.

Drop contact with her, and stop this line of questioning, with your friend. Since you know nothing, after all this time, and are still suspicious, leave him alone also.

Its time to let this mess go before your mind starts playing tricks on you. Through all this he seems to keep saying ain't nothing going on, and so does she. Has he ever initiated any kind of conversation to reassure you, or proclaim his innocents? If not leave him alone, and if he is a friend he will be asking you what's up.

For sure the more you push, the less you get, so stop pushing, and let the truth come to you for a change. Just keep your mouth shut, and your eyes open.

I will do as you suggest, talaniman, however the following has happened:

She contacted me, and has assured me that the message was indeed intended for her friend, and not to mine. She also assured me that she barely has any contact with him anymore.

I will go into no contact with her again now. I will also wait out for my friend to take action, rather than doing it myself.

I should say that he's approached me multiple times during the past weeks, asking if I wanted to talk. I've tried sometimes, but never really managed to say much. It's not all that simple for me, I'm still having a rough time.

On one hand I feel you're completely right, tal, when you say I should be leaving him alone (I will stop bothering him with questions anyway), but I still feel like it will be for the best of our friendship if we start working on it. And I also feel like having a band practice is a good way to start. After all, we are going to have to live with each other in one way no matter what, seeing it as we still have 2.5 years together in the same classes.

I feel more secure now, anyway. I know my ex might be lying to me, but I've gotten to know her pretty well over the past year and I believe I know when she is being sincere. She was actually quite upset about all of this suspicion of mine (which I can understand).

Bottom line: I will NC with my ex, and either try to work things out (babysteps) with my friend or go NC with him 'til we are both ready.

I've been doing my best to cheer up lately, spending a lot of time with family and relatives plus watching feel-good movies. I definitely feel motivated for working on my friendship.

Thanks a lot for your replies guys, you always help at getting things into perspective.

Another short update: I'm not very good at NC, so when my ex contaced me (on MSN) and started to talk with me, I replied.

I told her that I'm still very confused of all of this, and (with all due respect) I'm tired of not having the slightest idea of what she really wants.

She was really tired (it's 04:25 AM so I can understand that), so we decided to talk tomorrow (probably on the phone or over MSN).

I'm not sure how to approach it, well I'm sort of. I'm going to take it as it is, a talk with my ex. I'm not having false hope of us getting back together or anything, rather the other way as she was sort of signaling that she's not interested in me anymore.

I just want to know what's going on really. I have no problem with me and her not being together (finally), I'm getting over that now, if she wants me back, I won't come running this time, she'll have to convince me. If she wants it to stay ended, fine. My main worry right now is whether something is going on with her and my friend, as I've said earlier.

I know I said to go NC, but when she approached me and wanted to talk things over, it just felt right, so I went for it.

I'll expect the "worst" and just take it like it is. I'm beyond the point where the worst case scenario would equal the end of the world, right now I just want to end all of this drama and move on from the whole situation, really.

With or without my friend, with or without my ex, I want to move on.

You let us know how that works, but waiting for a confession when there is nothing to confess ain't my idea of moving on. And she will only add to the confusion. And drama. That's simple enough to see. The moving on is up to you, but will never happen as long as she has her hooks in you.

Forgive the guy, and let it go.

That's really what I want by now.

I want to get over her - and I definitely feel like I'm heading the right way there. I have been at most two days without really missing her.

I'm not waiting for her to confess about anything she hasn't done, I just want to know what to expect and what's going on, really.

I also want to forgive him, but it's not that easy for me. To me, forgiveness or not depends on if he get's together with my ex. Not forever, I don't think that I can sort of have a ownership right on her or anything, far from it. I just feel like he needs to respect that she was my girlfriend and not get involved with her - at least for a period.

If he is in fact staying away from her (in that sense, atleast), I know I will forgive him.

But if this is the scenario that's actually happening:
He kisses my (ex) girlfriend, thus stealing her plus lying about it for over a month.

That's something I cannot forgive.

So, to sum it up, I need to have a talk with both of them before being sure about what I should do.

I'm ready to let her go by now. My main concern is my friend.

My "dream" scenario is for this to happen:
She saying she wants to keep it ended, and that she doesn't have and doesn't want a relationship with my friend.

In that case, I will go NC on her and work on my friendship.

Anyway, I will let you know how it goes.

Thanks for your reply, tal :).

I agree with Tal's statements. If you're to have a good relationship with your friend, you need to trust him. So trust him and see what happens. And I am so glad that you said you are moving on and are over all her BS.

Okay, this will probably get quite long, as always.
I don’t know quite where to start, but I’ll try to take things from the top and keep them in that order:

We talked on the phone for about two hours tonight.

I told her that I know that it hasn’t been easy for her, and that it still isn’t, but that I can’t take anymore of all of these mixed signals.

She told me that she still didn’t know what to do. She told me that she had been moving on from me, because apparently I hadn’t convinced her enough that I wanted her back.

This got me pretty mad, and I think I might have overreacted but heck – I don’t regret it, because I couldn’t accept that statement. I still think it’s an unfair statement.

I told her about how I was getting a different signal from her every time we spoke.
First, she went out and did all of those things, and even though people can do mistakes, they really hurt me.
Then she broke up with me.
Then she told me that she had no feelings for me, and that she was in love with my best friend.
Then she told me that I had to move on, that it was over between us.

Later, she told me that she still had feelings for me but things are hard.
Then she told me to get over her.
Then she told me that she still loves me, and later we kissed.
Then I didn’t hear much from her.
And then comes present.

Now, during all this time, I did the following:
I told her about how I felt.
I showed her my feelings for her, and that I still wanted her back.
I comforted her.
I left her alone when she wanted me to.
I tried to get over her.

My question was; how could I do the following at the same time:

Leave her alone, get over her, comfort her and win her back?

WHILE dealing with the following:
Hurt and let down by my best friend.
Hurt and let down by my girlfriend, the girl I loved.
Left by the girl I loved.

I told her that I have done my best to understand what she wanted, but that I couldn’t do it no matter how hard I tried.

She got a bit upset, but I repeated what I had said. I don’t see how I could’ve shown her that I wanted her back more than I already had done – while at the same time leave her alone and get over her.


Then, the conversation took a different direction.
I asked her what she felt and what she wanted.
She told me that she felt that things could never ever work out between me and her, in the sense of getting together. I asked her why, and she told me that she just felt that way.
I told her that I understand that, but that I want to know if there was any special reason, like if I had done something or she had lost her feelings for me.

She told me she didn’t feel the same way for me anymore.
I asked her why she had told me that she did and then kissed me but never really got a reply.

Then I asked her how she was standing with my friend.
She told me that she had been keeping something from me; they have indeed had some contact.
I asked her if they were friends, she said yes.
I asked if there was something more, she said no.
I asked her if the message (“amor mio” thing) was intended for him, she said yes.
I asked her if she doesn’t think it’s strange to call your friend “amor mio” (“my beloved”), she said that I didn’t understand.

Then she explained how things had happened:

She had a crush on my friend way back (before me and her happened).
She got over it.
She had a crush on me, and we got together.
When we got together, she got to know my friend better, and after a while started having feelings for him. (The feelings came back shortly before all the drama started).

After me and her broke up, she was still in love with my friend. She needed someone to talk to, and went to him. He wanted to stay away from her, for my sake, but she kept contacting him. He comforted her but insisted on keeping it to that.
She told me that she had tried to stay away as well, but that it wasn’t so easy.
She said that she had been sending him “amor mioish” stuff sometimes, but that he never replied the same way (even though he has feelings for her).

I asked her straight out if they were together, she said no.
I asked if they were kissing or holding hands when they were together together, she said no.
I asked her if they had any relationship beyond friends, and she said no.
I asked her if she doesn’t think it’s weird to send those messages to a friend, and she tried denying that it sounds a bit weird.

After this, I was so upset and I lost it for a sec. I asked her if she ever had feelings for me, or if I was always nr 2, behind my friend. Of course, she got upset. I know that’s not how it is. I know she had feelings for me, and I spent 10 minutes apologizing. I think she forgave me for losing it.

She said that she feels like she has messed everything up.
While I to some extent find myself blaming her sometimes, I disagree, and told her that. I kept telling her about all of the good things she has done to me and made me do for myself (childhood related, I can tell you more if you want, but I’m trying to keep it short for now. Ask if you want to know!).

She said that she has fukced everything up for good now, and that things will never be the same.
She said that if it wasn’t for her, I would be talking with my friend on the phone now –not her.
I told her that it wasn’t true, and that I (and this is true) want to get back in contact with my friend, and explained how I felt about everything.

I said that if she has been completely sincere this time, everything will be sorted out in time.

This is about as far as the conversation got, I think she got tired of talking with me, really. I know she was tired already, and I got upset and cried among each other. Anyway, I told her that we might talk again sometime if she wants to, and she said maybe.

***

Okay, this was a bit of a shocker to me.

To begin with the good bits:
She was honest with me, she doesn’t think we can ever work things out. This makes it even easier for me to move on, and I feel ready for being single now. No kidding. I’m not saying I have a date for New Years Eve, but still. I can handle this. Me being without her isn’t going to be a problem. I know this by now.

The bad bits:
She has lied to me about some things, but really, I feel, is it really a big deal? I do not feel like I can trust her any way after all that’s happened, and to be honest, she’s wasting herself being dishonest – not me.

What’s worse is that my friend has lied, or I thought he had anyway.
Come to think of it, he’s explained the following:

He have been talking with my ex, and getting more contact with her, but didn’t want to make a move or anything, for everyone’s best.
I told him I appreciated that, and that I wanted him to be honest if anything happens between them.
Now, according to my ex, all that’s happened after this is a bit of comforting and her showing her feelings to him, without him responding in the same way. No girlfriend/boyfriend situation.

This, I can live with. I can live with him being friends with my ex. In time, maybe I can handle them being a couple, but not right now.

My first thoughts were: “OH MY GOD, HE LIED TO ME!”, but he never really did.
What I want to do now is talk with him. Hear his story, confront him with what I now know and fint out if it’s the whole truth, and tell him this:

If he wants this friendship, the following needs to happen:
He cannot engage in a relationship with my ex for a period. In time, maybe, I cannot rule over this forever, but this short after – I want some respect.
He also needs to tell me if ANYTHING happens between them, if they kiss, get together, send messages, anything. Honesty is required for me to trust him.

I’ll then tell him that I’m giving him another chance. He’s a good guy, he deserves it. I trust him again.


***

What do you guys think about this? I appreciate any replies, as I don’t doubt that I’m seeing this from one perspective only. Please, no reply is too short or too dumb, and no question is too silly.

Thanks for reading all of this.

To be quite honest I think that you are better off without both of them. It is my view that if he was truly your best friend he would not have kissed your girlfriend in the first place. I know who my best friends are, and I would never do anything remotely close to that. If their girlfriend did try to kiss me I would push them away. That is what true friends do - that's my two cents on that matter.

I really don't think you're losing much cutting off contact with either one of them. The ex has proven that she is a liar, and doesn't know what she wants out of life -- too bad, leave her alone to figure that out on her own. She has made her bed, now let her lie in it. Don't be there to comfort her at the cost of your suffering and tricks on your mind, it will delay your healing... and for what? To help out the person that broke your heart? No thank you. I've been down that road, me trying to show the ex how much better off she would be with me, than what she is choosing -- it's a losing battle. You can't save somebody from themselves. I was entirely dedicated to my ex and was going to pay for and put her through her final 2-3 years of college and would've ended up marrying her when we were both at the right stage of our life. Where is she now? She's been dropped out of school for almost a year and is back living at home with her parents. Furthermore, once you nurse her back to health she'll be gone anyway to the next guy who is not as available as you are.

Adios to the friend who has not been honest with you.

I'm a pretty black & white person :) Best wishes!

I'm going to be harsh. Stop all contact with both of them. They've both lied and deceived you and its time to STOP the BS and get past this mess. Stop trying to be Mr Nice guy and go NC and stick to it this time , you need to heal And you won't as long as you are all over the place trying to sort this out.

I'm sorry guy, but you have had enough respect from your friend, and enough of the games from your ex. Have some respect for yourself now, and get out of the way, and I mean completely out of the way of their business. Enough, is really enough. Leave them both alone, as she is clearly pursuing him for her own purpose, and you trying to control what they do is not possible.

Your the one who is hurt, and must deal with that yourself, and if by now, you don't have the closure you need to leave her alone, and stop making this a bigger drama than what it is, then that's your misery you bring to yourself.

Whatever role your friend is playing in this game, is his business, and you need to let him deal with it. You sure can't stop it, so leave them alone.

You talk so much of respect, with your artificial deadlines, and guidelines, but it starts with you, doing what your supposed to without imposing it on either of them.

You can't force a girl to have feelings for you, and you can't impose your feelings, or brand of respect, on your friend.

Now get out of everyone's business, and get your own. Get on with your own life, and get some new friends. Personally, your friend should tell you that himself, get out of his business. I would.

To be quite honest I think that you are better off without both of them. It is my view that if he was truly your best friend he would not have kissed your girlfriend in the first place. I know who my best friends are, and I would never do anything remotely close to that. If their girlfriend did try to kiss me I would push them away. That is what true friends do - that's my two cents on that matter.

I really don't think you're losing much cutting off contact with either one of them. The ex has proven that she is a liar, and doesn't know what she wants out of life -- too bad, leave her alone to figure that out on her own. She has made her bed, now let her lie in it. Don't be there to comfort her at the cost of your suffering and tricks on your mind, it will delay your healing... and for what? To help out the person that broke your heart? No thank you. I've been down that road, me trying to show the ex how much better off she would be with me, than what she is choosing -- it's a losing battle. You can't save somebody from themselves. I was entirely dedicated to my ex and was going to pay for and put her through her final 2-3 years of college and would've ended up marrying her when we were both at the right stage of our life. Where is she now? She's been dropped out of school for almost a year and is back living at home with her parents. Furthermore, once you nurse her back to health she'll be gone anyway to the next guy who is not as available as you are.

Adios to the friend who has not been honest with you.

I'm a pretty black & white person :) Best wishes!

I've gotten to the point where I agree with you about my ex. I still have feelings for her, but at this point, all the negatives summed up is more than all the good things. As I said, I still have feelings for her, but I don't want her back.

I'm definitely going to quit being there for her now. When she accused me of not wanting her back enough, I really lost the rest of my motivation to help her - even as a friend.

To my friend, however, I slightly disagree with you.

To be more precise, I agree on the part that a real friend doesn't do that kind of thing (kissing your friends gf).

However, he's always made it clear that he regreted it instantly. He says he didn't know what was happening before it had happened, and that he actually cried all the way home because of guilt.

He's not really been dishonest with me, I feel. Given that I know everything by now, of course. I feel like I have more reasons to doubt it than to trust it, but that's why I want to talk with my friend before I know exactly how to act.

I still feel like forgiving him, though. Everyone can make mistakes, and I feel like he deserves another chance. With that being said, I will make it clear that it's his last chance, if something like this ever happens again he won't ever get another one.

***


I'm going to be harsh. Stop all contact with both of them. They've both lied and deceived you and its time to STOP the BS and get past this mess. Stop trying to be Mr Nice guy and go NC and stick to it this time , you need to heal And you wont as long as you are all over the place trying to sort this out.

Even though my first thoughts when I discovered my ex has been lying was that so has my friend, the more I think of it he never has.

I'm going to stop contact with my ex for sure now, and if she contacts me, I doubt I'll even be a friend to her (not saying I'm an arch enemy, but I'm not going to be there for her).

But my friend stated the following early on, he has some contact with my ex and even though they have feelings for each other he doesn't want to make a move. As far as I know, that's still true, meaning he hasn't lied.

I'm going to talk with him, and if he says the right things (from my perspective) (which are that he has no relationship (beyond friends) with my ex and won't have one either (for foreseeable future atleast)), I will give him another chance.

If I get any reason to doubt that these are the facts, I will probably "give up" our friendship. It might be egoistic of me, but to me those are the requirements for this to work right now.

***


I'm sorry guy, but you have had enough respect from your friend, and enough of the games from your ex. Have some respect for yourself now, and get out of the way, and I mean completely out of the way of their business. Enough, is really enough. Leave them both alone, as she is clearly pursuing him for her own purpose, and you trying to control what they do is not possible.

Your the one who is hurt, and must deal with that yourself, and if by now, you don't have the closure you need to leave her alone, and stop making this a bigger drama than what it is, then thats your misery you bring to yourself.

Whatever role your friend is playing in this game, is his business, and you need to let him deal with it. You sure can't stop it, so leave them alone.

You talk so much of respect, with your artificial deadlines, and guidelines, but it starts with you, doing what your supposed to without imposing it on either of them.

You can't force a girl to have feelings for you, and you can't impose your feelings, or brand of respect, on your friend.

Now get out of everyones business, and get your own. Get on with your own life, and get some new friends. Personally, your friend should tell you that himself, get out of his business. I would.

Really, I agree without you, but still disagree. Let me try to explain.

I know that I can't control either of them. I've given her up by now, really. I'm (too) weak for closure, but I believe I've had my share of it now. I'm ready to leave her.

I don't want to control him either, I just want to know what he wants and let him know my premises for our friendship to work right now. I feel like he should stay away from my ex this shortly after we broke up, as I believe that's what a friend should do. If he disagrees, he can be my guest but needs to take the consequences as well.

I feel like this is a bit selfish of me, and that on one hand have no say on this. I can't control him, but I can control myself. In order to control myself properly, I want to know how the road ahead of me looks.

It's hard for me to go no contact with him at this point, beacause I feel like I need to sort things out with him, one way or another, sooner or later, because I have 2.5 years of school together with him ahead of me, so I feel like sooner equals better in this case.

I also think that the more I postpone this, the harder things will get. I'm going back to school on the 4th of January, and don't want to have this hanging completely over us (for both mine and his sake).

I am however doing what you're saying, getting on with my life and making new friends. Well, they're not new, but I've been spending time with some people I knew better a couple of years ago, and we've really been having lots of fun, which feels great.

I no longer feel dependent on any of them, I just want to get this out of the world as soon as possible and from my view, the best way to do that is to talk with my friend.

***

Thanks a lot for all of your replies. They've really helped, I think I needed the harsh tone. I know I need to stay away from their business - it's not any of mine business. That being said, I feel like some of it is my business as well, but you're right, I should respect them more given how much respect I expect from them.

Its about respecting yourself first. Its also about stepping away from the/their drama.

Relax guy, stay flexible because life will make you consider adjustments, to the best laid plans.

Yeah, well, I really want to get rid of all of this drama now.

I want to keep my friend as a friend, but I will put myself first this time around
(I haven't really done that in my relationship with my ex).

I really like this quote:

"You can't please everyone so you've got to please yourself."

(I'd like to add "first" to the end of the quote).

I will do my very best to avoid her as much as possible, and for sure avoid getting into any friendly relationship with her for a long time. We might become friends some time in far future, but that's far from working out now.

If I feel like there's more drama coming up, I will just forget about both of them and move on for sure. I want to give my friendship another shot first, though.

Do what you think is best, but I think you should do NC with both of them. You have got to get your mind off your ex. I feel that trying to work out the situation with your friend is just going to keep her fresh in your mind and ultimately entangle you further in their web, and lead to further drama. I don't totally understand the female mind (do any of us?), but I must say that by you telling her that he is off limits, yadda yadda, you're actually making him more appealing to her. He is now the forbidden fruit. You need to not care what either of them do (for yourself), and then I'm pretty sure his appeal will dampen to her.

Look at it this way, you can't control what either of them do. If you leave them both alone and he doesn't do anything with her, congrats he has passed the test and deserves your friendship. If they get together right off the bat, then you've done the best thing in saying good riddance to both of them, as he's clearly shown he doesn't value your friendship. All of this while doing what you need to do right now -- heal and rediscover your own independent self again --- free of either one of their influence.

Time to go NC to the both of them. Start up a workout regiment and start busting your arse! :) I am a huge advocate for the gym. Ever since my break up I've been on an absolute tear, and while I was fit before, I'm getting really cut and feeling great. Nothing is better for your confidence than looking and feeling great!

I can see your point, I really can. I agree that I need to get my mind off my ex, when I woke up this morning I really missed her, you know. But I know I'll get over it in time.

Being away from the both might help my own healing, I'm just "worried" that if I don't talk with my friend, he might feel like I've given up on him already, and might think that it's better to have a girlfriend and no friend than none of both, if you understand what I mean.

But I still agree with you, if he doesn't do anything with her without me having a say, that's the best. And if he does make a move, well, then he's out.

I agree on the part of him becoming the forbidden fruit. I'm still thinking about how I should best "handle" my ex, if she contacts me. I'm thinking just ignoring might be better than trying to explain my feelings for her, and my thoughts on him and her together, I guess you guys agree with that as well.

I will consider leaving everything for him to sort out on his own, but not without talking (briefly) with him first, in that case.

I'm defnitely going to get going to the gym, I guess that'll be (one of) my New Year's resolutions (they're quite usual here in Norway atleast), to get back to training. I was in quite good shape before, so it shouldn't be too tough to get started.

Thanks a lot for your reply!

Being away from the both might help my own healing


We have agreement. Then you will heal, and not care what either of them does, and that's a win-win situation.

Being away from them both will help your healing. :-)

This post is actually more of a form of self-terapy, I just need to get this stuff out somehow. It has no real questions or anything, but I'd love to get relpies with opinions anyway!

I think I'll stay away from both of them as much as possible for a while.

But, considering that I'll spend every day at school with my friend, I've decided to talk, briefly however, with him sometime before I'm back at school (4th of January).
Not that I think I can sort everything out now, but I think it's best if he knows what I'm thinking, that I still need to distance a little from him at least for a while.

I'm having a hard time stopping to think about my ex though. I still have feelings for her, I can't deny that.

I'm having trouble convincing myself that I'm doing the right thing. On one hand, a lot of the things she's done is really rejecting me, or at least I feel that way, (I'm listing them a bit for my own sake now)

(This includes throughout my relationship with her, some parts you might not know)


* Whenever I did something stupid, it could be a little, meaningless thing that she didn't like, she got quite angry with me. It happened maybe five times throughout our relationship.

This lasted for anything from one day to one week. All the time throughout these periods, I was on my knees begging her to come back. Because all of these things were just small, stupid issues, we sorted them out every time and things got as good, if not better, between us after this.

However, if she did the same thing, it would always be me just accepting that. So, basically, she could get mad at me but I couldn't get mad at her. At the time, I was so grateful for having this relationship, so I didn't mind accepting some things to make it work.

* I some times got the feeling that she doubted my love to her, even though I spent all my time showing it to her. (I might have spent too much time on her, actually.)

This feeling got even more significant when she asked me not to tell her that I loved her so much. I see now, that this might have been a red flag - a warning of what's happened now.

I have always felt, however, that this was her doubting even more that I loved her.

* Then, of course, she kissed my best friend.

* Then, she cheated on me with a guy she met at a party, kissed him and got to bed with him (only fooling around in the bed, but I mean, still.)

* Then, she broke up with me, thus showing that she wasn't ready to work out all our issues even though I offered her a chance to.

* Then she's been on and off with me, which really, I don't believe is something you do to someone you truly love.

* Then she claimed it was all my fault that we weren't together now, because I hadn't convinced her to stay. I've explained earlier my thoughts on this, but I should add that I really think it should be her asking me to get back, not the other way around.



On the other hand, I just keep thinking of all those great times I've had with her. I know that she loved me deeply once, and I think she might still do it, but that she loves my friend more at this point. I'm having trouble letting her go, really.

There's so much that makes me not want her back. I keep trying to think of all the things that annoyed me in the relationship, even though the list is short. I've also tried thinking about all that she's done, but it's not helping.

I fear that if she came to me today, tomorrow or in two weeks, and told me that she's sorry about all the things she's done, that she wants me back and that she loves me, I wouldn't be able reject her.

The reason I'm fearing this is because even though I still have feelings for her, I feel there's a lot of red flags, if I can use that term in this case. I think that getting into a relationship that was ended because of.. issues, with the issues still being present, isn't a good idea at all.
I'm thinking that it could and probably would very easily end very quickly, and I'll be back at point zero. If not at point minus ten.

But even if she convices me that she's over this crush, and tells me what I need to hear (to ever take her back(which is that she loves me and truly wants me)), what then?
I've imagined that I was in a relationship with her again, and I found (obviously) that I would have a hard time trusting her. Trust can be rebuilt, however, and in my thoughts I'm left with wanting her back, even though I don't think I can take her back. Hard to explain, but it's driving me crazy.

I'm so twisted in my thoughts, I'm changing from day to day from being angry with her and not wanting to see her ever again, to missing her and thinking of all the good times we had.

My point is that I don't want this! All of these thoughts and everything.
I want to get over all of this now, I want to move on, and I know that even if a relationship was possible, I'm not ready anyway. Last night, I wouldn't dream of being with her again. Today, I dream about it.

I don't now why I'm having these thoughts now.
I realize more and more that contact = setbacks, and that it probably was because of all the things she said, not to mention just hearing her voice, that I'm back to missing her this much.
I still miss her, but I want to get over her. I believe it's for the best, but I'm having so much trouble do to it.

I don't even feel like she deserves my love anymore, really. Not to sound arrogant, but I really treated her good when we were together. I believe I was a great boyfriend, I know I did my best to be at least, and she always told me I was too good to her. Too kind.
But she's thrown it away. Not only by cheating, but by the way she treated me a lot of the time afterwards as well. Changing her mood towards me by the day. Telling me different stuff all the time, one second as rejecting as she can be, the next, totally opposite.
I can understand she has a rough time as well, but for a month, to change like that, doesn't exactly shout "love!".

I've tried to keep myself occupied, although I haven't been outside of the house today.

I've spent time with my family, though, and chatting a lot with different people, both of which helped, but I still have these thoughts. I also watched a movie with my family, but couldn't stop thinking about it.

At one point, thought about texting her or calling her, but then I realized that it's probably the contact that have given me this setback.

***

I feel like this has helped though. Just getting all of it out. It makes it easier to get things into perspective.
I would also love any replies, if you've bothered to read all of this!
Don't worry about being to harsh, I probably need it.

Thanks.

Writing things down is a good thing and you can go back and read this to yourself as well as self therapy.
And the thoughts back and forth you're having are normal at this stage-what you need to do ,however, is to not act on them-stick to proper NC. Everything but only confuses you.
The more details you add about her behavior, the flakier she sounds.
She has cheated on you once before- she has been moody, childish and selfcentered.

Let your head rule your heart and don't speak to her again.
Make decisions and stick to them.

While it is true that some people can change, have regrets, and try to make things right, there were just too many things wrong to expect that she will ever change enough to have a healthy, serious relationship. She doesn't sound to me that she will ever think of you, the way you fondly think of her.

You will go through stages when recovering from this trauma. They can't be avoided. You can't skip the feelings or tune them out, or bury them. It is frustrating because you know you're going to feel really miserable, and you don't want to, but you do anyway. I think that is nature's way of helping you heal. One step at a time.

Some days you'll feel on top of the world, and then slide back a few steps, then up a couple, down ten, back up again. Eventually though, like any loss, the more extreme ends of sadness/confidence will be short lived, and you'll bounce back so much faster.

Don't be too hard on yourself either, in trying to figure things out. You will never have all the answers. I tend to really obsess about certain things, weigh it all out, over and over again, but even when I know the outcome isn't going to change no matter how many times I think about it, sometimes it is just hard not to do it. Eventually, what will be will be, so try not to get too down and attach more importance to past events, than they deserve.

I agree with amicon that your ex does not seem like relationship material, and its good that you can see her faults realistically, and not be blinded by love.

Keep up the good work.

You think too much. Get around some good people, and just be a guy for a while, blow off some steam.

Writing things down is a good thing and you can go back and read this to yourself as well as self therapy.
And the thoughts back and forth youre having are normal at this stage-what you need to do ,however, is to not act on them-stick to proper NC. Everything but only confuses you.
The more details you add about her behavior, the flakier she sounds.
She has cheated on you once before- she has been moody, childish and selfcentered.

Let your head rule your heart and dont speak to her again.
Make decisions and stick to them.
Thanks a lot for your reply!

Yes, I agree with all you've said. I don't know if I have been completely blinded of love, but I think she has changed during that past say two months though. But thinking back at our relationship, there has been so much I accepted to put up with without her doing the same towards me. I had to change, she stayed the same. Now, I didn't (and don't mind) changing myself a little to be with the one I love, but is it really worth it when she's not doing the same thing? I don't think so.

I will try my very best to follow my head throughout this, I'm feeling "better" today, I don't have the same urge to contact her as I had yesterday. These moments come and go, appearantly.


***



While it is true that some people can change, have regrets, and try to make things right, there were just too many things wrong to expect that she will ever change enough to have a healthy, serious relationship. She doesn't sound to me that she will ever think of you, the way you fondly think of her.

Thanks for your reply. I agree on that, that's how I've been thinking latetly as well. Yes, she might want me back at some point, but how can I expect her to return to me all the love I give to her?


You will go through stages when recovering from this trauma. They can't be avoided. You can't skip the feelings or tune them out, or bury them. It is frustrating because you know you're going to feel really miserable, and you don't want to, but you do anyway. I think that is nature's way of helping you heal. One step at a time.

Some days you'll feel on top of the world, and then slide back a few steps, then up a couple, down ten, back up again. Eventually though, like any loss, the more extreme ends of sadness/confidence will be short lived, and you'll bounce back so much faster.

Yes, I've learned what you're saying is true. I'm feeling a lot better just today, the next morning. I just needed to get everything out, and someone to tell me what I really know is true. That I need to stick to this.



Don't be too hard on yourself either, in trying to figure things out. You will never have all the answers. I tend to really obsess about certain things, weigh it all out, over and over again, but even when I know the outcome isn't going to change no matter how many times I think about it, sometimes it is just hard not to do it. Eventually, what will be will be, so try not to get too down and attach more importance to past events, than they deserve.

Yes, as you've probably read earlier in my thread, I have an (unhealty) obsession for closure. But I've realized that by now, I might be better of just leaving things as they are, there's no changing the past anyway, only the future.



I agree with amicon that your ex does not seem like relationship material, and its good that you can see her faults realistically, and not be blinded by love.

Keep up the good work.

Yes, I've realized that myself by now. I have a lot of good memories and had a lot of great moments etc. but the bad stuff that's come up recently is just to overwhelming to ignore. I don't want to be in a relationship in which I can't have any trust, where I know I'm probably being lied to and where I'm the only one really working for the love.

Thanks a lot! I will do:).


***


You think to much. Get around some good people, and just be a guy for a while, blow off some steam.

Yes, you are completely right. It's just that my friend and my ex was the two people I spent the largent percent of my free time with, plus my band, in which my friend plays, so it's been a little of a challenge for me to socialise like normal.

I have however been giving it a shot, with great results!
I spent one of the best nights in weeks with a couple of my friends the other day, and just chatting with people online seems to be helping.

So, I will definitely get out of the house more, and think less. I'm also going to get going regulary to the gym starting in January, I think that'll do good as well.

***

Thanks a lot for your replies everyone, they've really helped me.
It felt good to get everything out here, so I will probably make that sort of a habit, once in a while.

In 2010, I'm going to get going to the gym, get new (and better?) friendships and just have fun. I'm looking forward to getting through all of this.

Thanks again, and a happy new year to all of you!

Keep going you will be fine!
All the best -come back next year! Happy 2010!( Godt Nyt Aar!)

I really agree with tal's post at 2.20pm. It is what I wanted to say earlier but he put it much better than I could have.

I am kind of sick of listening to your posts because you don't seem to be getting anywhere. You are just going around and around in circles. I think you've been given all the information that can help you, and you are just not ready to implement it and are addicted to this drama. I think you're just going to do what you want, which is be in this situation.

I wish you the best, but only you can change your situation.

I'm sorry guy, but you have had enough respect from your friend, and enough of the games from your ex. Have some respect for yourself now, and get out of the way, and I mean completely out of the way of their business. Enough, is really enough. Leave them both alone, as she is clearly pursuing him for her own purpose, and you trying to control what they do is not possible.

Your the one who is hurt, and must deal with that yourself, and if by now, you don't have the closure you need to leave her alone, and stop making this a bigger drama than what it is, then thats your misery you bring to yourself.

Whatever role your friend is playing in this game, is his business, and you need to let him deal with it. You sure can't stop it, so leave them alone.

You talk so much of respect, with your artificial deadlines, and guidelines, but it starts with you, doing what your supposed to without imposing it on either of them.

You can't force a girl to have feelings for you, and you can't impose your feelings, or brand of respect, on your friend.

Now get out of everyones business, and get your own. Get on with your own life, and get some new friends. Personally, your friend should tell you that himself, get out of his business. I would.

This is the post by tal that I referred to.

I really agree with tal's post at 2.20pm. It is what I wanted to say earlier but he put it much better than I could of.

I am kind of sick of listening to your posts because you don't seem to be getting anywhere. You are just going around and around in circles. I think you've been given all the information that can help you, and you are just not ready to implement it and are addicted to this drama. I think you're just going to do what you want, which is be in this situation.

I wish you the best, but only you can change your situation.

Hi! Thanks for your reply!

Have your read my last posts? I've had it with this drama, and I'm removing myself from it now. I won't interfere with what my ex and my friend might and might not do anymore. If my friend stays away from my ex without me interfering, I will give our friendship another chance. If he doesn't, I won't. In the meantime, I'm going NC.

And it might not be much, but at least I'm no longer blinded by love towards my ex. I still have feelings for her, yes, but I'm not exactly on my knees to get her back anymore either.

I feel myself I've had a lot of progress. Yes, I made a mistake breaking NC, and had a setback because of that, but I've learned from my mistake.

I feel stronger and better every day, and I might be moving slow but I know I'm moving in the right direction.

Thanks, and a happy new year!

Just because you are not on your knees anymore to get her back does not constitute seeing reality and all the advice given to you. To be blunt, she is not into you at all, she is only into you being into her. Obviously she has her own issues to deal with.

You've said you were having talks with the nurse, have you also started seeing a counselor? I think this could really benefit you.

Also I think it might be a good idea to think about joining a new band. Music seems to be an important enjoyable aspect of your life, and being around a group of great new people might be a great thing to expand your horizons.

I know that, and I agree, it was simply a way of admitting that I'm not completely over her yet, but that I know what I must do. I'm not going to ask her to come back to me, and I'm not going to try to make her want me back. I've realized for real that it's over by now. I'm not denying I have been denying that fact for a while, because it was hard for me to let her go, but I believe I have done so now.

I'm moving on. It's hard for me, yes, because of my feelings for her, but I'm going to do it. It will take time, probably more than it should because I'm so stubborn, but I'm going to do it. I know this.

I've not started to see a counselor, but I do have an appointment with the school nurse for the 12th of January, and an agreement to come sooner if I should need to. Do you think I should ask to get to speak to a counselor (at the 12th)?

Yes, I've actually considered starting a new band. Music is indeed one of the things I enjoy most in my life, I spend big parts of the day listening to it and writing it, and the most fun I have is when I play in a band. I've actually started to talk with two guys I know, and have jammed with and written a couple of songs earlier, and we are definitely in the process of starting up a band together.

I'm also getting more contact with some people from my school (that I didn't have much contact with beyond school earlier), plus some of my old friends. I also went to the gym today, and it felt great.

This is all things I'm going to keep on doing (new band, new friends and going to the gym).

Thanks a lot for your reply and your advices,and don'tworry about being blunt. It's often what I need.

I think it would be beneficial to see a counselor and that it would be good to arrange it on the 12th. The nurse sounds like she has been a great listener and supporter, so I think you could still talk to her while you see a counselor, like when you need to at school.

A counselor (preferably a psychologist) is important because they are professionally trained to help you with your problems. Even if you are not be having suicidal thoughts at the moment, you need to speak to a professional about it, it is a serious issue.

And belated happy new year to you too :)

I know that, and I agree, it was simply a way of admitting that I'm not completely over her yet, but that I know what I must do. I'm not gonna ask her to come back to me, and I'm not gonna try to make her want me back. I've realized for real that it's over by now. I'm not denying I have been denying that fact for a while, because it was hard for me to let her go, but I believe I have done so now.

I'm moving on. It's hard for me, yes, because of my feelings for her, but I'm gonna do it. It will take time, probably more than it should becasue I'm so stubborn, but I'm gonna do it. I know this.

I've not started to see a counselor, but I do have an appointment with the school nurse for the 12th of January, and an agreement to come sooner if I should need to. Do you think I should ask to get to speak to a counselor (at the 12th)?

Yes, I've actually considered starting a new band. Music is indeed one of the things I enjoy most in my life, I spend big parts of the day listening to it and writing it, and the most fun I have is when I play in a band. I've actually started to talk with two guys I know, and have jammed with and written a couple of songs earlier, and we are definitely in the process of starting up a band together.

I'm also getting more contact with some people from my school (that I didn't have much contact with beyond school earlier), plus some of my old friends. I also went to the gym today, and it felt great.

This is all things I'm gonna keep on doing (new band, new friends and going to the gym).

Thanks a lot for your reply and your advices,and don'tworry about being blunt. It's often what I need.

Hi there :) I was just reading various forums asnd searching through Google when I came through your post... and was compelled to join this site to reply to you. Your post has tugged at my heart... not because I am going through a similar situation or anything... but from the way you've let out your thoughts I want to compliment you that for a 16 year old you're a very mature person. Focus on your studies and I am sure you will get all that you wish for. I am 20 and I have a boyfriend who says I love you to me a 100 times a day... and even though I reply him back... its not usually how I feel... I do like him a lot... I like him enough to not hurt him by telling him about this... so after reading your post I have decided I won't tell him this... (even though his best friend is very handsome.. lol)... but I guess I'll stick with my boyfriend... daah.. I always knew guys were innocent kids.. lol... girls are so much more... in control!
But anyway dude I appreciate the clarity of your thought and your sense of judgement. Thumps up for your spirit! :)

Hello everyone!

Long time, no update, sorry about that. I might do an update in near future.

The reason that I haven't updated isn't that I don't need your help or anything like that, far from it. It's rather opposite, really. I have been doing a lot better since my last update, and I set myself a goal to not use this site as much when I didn't need to. Not because you guys don't help, because believe me - I wouldn't be so far along as I am now without you, but I just thought that the less dependent I would be to this site, the better.

As I've said, I'm doing very good now. I'm very happy in general, etc. It's still a little bit complicated, but it'll work out in the end I believe.

This won't be a long update, because I don't have the time (it would be a long update if I got started), and also, I sort of prefer not to think way too much about it right now.

I will update later, but I just thought I'd let you know that I'm all right.

Thanks for all your kindness, and take care.

Hey, many thanks, and good to know.
Keep updating when you want to.
All the best.

Okay guys, time for an update I guess. This will be long, but lots have happened.

First of all, I know I've done stupid things, I know I didn't always listen to what you guys said I should, because I'm stubborn. But now, at least, I've learned. You learn from your own mistakes.

I'll try to make things as precise and short as possible.

Well, shortly after my last post, she contacted me. I remember being a little bit insecure on how to act, because well, I was doing no contact. But I felt better and I was curious how she was doing.

We talked a bit over MSN and stuff, and we were both recovering.
A bit later we met, and I remember still how she smiled. I couldn't stop thinking about it, and knew that I had ed up. I still had (and have) some feelings for her, shouldn't have retaken contact.

Well, as you might've guessed by now (if not by how things were in earlier posts), we wound up being together again. In the beinning of getting together again, she talked with me and asked me what I felt, and ended up basically begging for a new chance. I made a mistake, I gave her one.

The relationship was rough from early on this time though. Forgetting the things that had happened wasn't easy, seemed easier for her than me though.

We had some arguments, and a song that still sticks in my head from those times is actually a quote off the Strokes:
"I know exactly what you're thinking, you won't say it now
But in your heart it's loud.
Oh no, my feelings are more important than yours".

So, first she begged me for a chance, then I had to do all the fighting?

Then she went away for two weeks which in a way was good for us, I think. Missing each other made things better when she came back. But then she one day just out of the blue told me that this girl started making out with her when she was away. The way it seemed was like a surprise kiss from a girl, I didn't get too upset.

But as things turned out, time by time, she didn't just get kissed but made out with the girl, and actually had sex with her as well.
Then she begs me not to end it, and I unwillingly let the relationship go on a bit longer. You see, she was at her worst having depressions and I thought I'd end it when she would be ready for it. Yes, seriously, that was my plan.

Anyway, the relationship was even more rough now, obviously. She actually acted like a a couple of times. For instance, a night we went out together, this girl was hitting on her right in front of me and she was enjoying it, didn't care that I was there. This other time, she made a scene because I ate a meal with a friend of mine for about 40 minutes, when she had told me she had to go home to do some stuff. Appearantly she wanted to meet me then.

In general, there were lots of ty days after that. I was on the verge of breaking up one night, but decided to let it wait over the weekend. That weekend I went away, and there was no time to talk about stuff that night. When I came home we ended the relationship.

This is actually pretty recently, but right now, I'm happier than in a long, long time.
I've gotten four guys in my class I'm especially connected to now, like people I would call close friends. I've got many more I can talk to and hang with etc.

I'm even starting to rebuild my relationship with my friend (mentioned in the title), though things are going slow.

I spend a lot less time home and alone, and most of the time out with friends. I've even gotten into this volunteer culture work circle thing, it's loads of fun.

I'm enjoying school most days, and my grades are even going up!

I feel I've wasted a lot of time in this drama. I should've listened to you guys all the time, I see that now, but people who know me know that I'm stubborn. I learn my own way, by failing first. At least I know now. And at least I'm out of it now. I feel like I've lost 20 pounds, though I've probably gained a couple, because I eat normal again.

I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore, I handle lows a lot better. I handle life a lot better, and I think I will handle a new relationship a lot better.

Thanks for all of your help, without you I might not be alive today, and certainly not this far into recovery as I feel. I'm not ready for a new relationship, but I'm actually recovered enough to have fun and flirt abit without it being rebound.

I really, really appreciate your help guys, I'm serious. I kind of owe you my life. I'll write more later, please ask questions :).

Short update again, had a lot of fun today, hanged out with mates. Last night was fun as well, finally got together a new band with some of my mates. Actually feel happier than I can remember at the time. Things are even starting to work out between me and my friend (in the title again).

I mean, it's not just like it was before, but we don't have the giant barrier between us that makes us not speak either, things are going forwards.

I've learnt that I should listen more to you guys as well, in the end, doing just what you said I should worked like a dream. Wish I wasn't so stubborn..

Thanks again:).

Hi again.

Well, I doing better and better. I'm no longer so much blinded by love, and I now see clearly that I should've ended this drama way way way much earlier.

My ex tried contacting me last night, saying she misses me etc. Handled it a lot better than last time, that's for sure. I've been talking with some friends about things, and they are wondering why I'm still so "kind" with her after all she did, I mean she asked me why I didn't speak as much to her as I used to, and my reply was simply "Well, we aren't dating anymore plus we just broke up, so I think it's natural we don't have any contact."

I feel like I've grown a lot from my mistakes.
I'm really starting to get along with my mate again. I mean, things aren't just like they used to be of course, but at least we kan speak together like normal people and have fun.

I'm also getting some attention from girls nowadays... I'm not ready for a new relationship just yet, I know that, because I don't want to make anyone my rebound, but it feels good anyway, if you know what I mean.

Thanks for reading this :).

Wow, I'm a bit overwhelmed by how my ex is handling all of this now.

Keeps contacting me, saying she misses me and trying to make me feel bad because I don't talk with her like I used to do.
I tell her that I don't feel like talking to her because of all that' happened etc, and she acts like nothing wrong ever happened between us.

I finally managed to convince her that hey, I don't feel like talking to you every day, not really at all, and not like meeting you.

It's really frustrating though, I don't know why she does this.
Any suggestions on a good way to really tell her?

Sigh, there's now som pretty convincing (given the people who've seen all this) rumours that my ex and my friend (in the title) now are a couple.
First, he talks to me about wanting to be friends like we used to, then she tells me she misses me, and now he goes and screws me over.

To be honest, I don't really care what she does anymore, but I hadn't really expected this from my friend. My only concern is that I don't know for sure if it's true or not, so I don't know what to expect and all from him. If it's true, well, I feel kind of backstabbed (again).

Do you guys think I should just contact him and ask him straight out or wait and see if there's any truth at all in this rumour?

Thanks for reading and commenting.

Quite a story you have there. I'm a mess too so I won't be giving you any advice =), but only best wishes! Keep safe, there's a long life ahead of you and it's very hard to safely know on who you should spend your time, guess we learn it in time.

Stay strong!

I think you have had every opportunity in the world to get what the facts are. That you don't know for sure tells me that you have not asked the right questions in the first place, as just me, I would have got that out of the way long ago.