Ok, a little bit of background. We have dated for almost a year now and have had a lot change in our lives. I have recently divorced and she is still involved in the process of divorcing, we both left our spouses and began dating each other. We recently moved together to another city. I have been fully committed to her since we first began dating, I'm a commital person. I was with my exwife for 11yrs and none of which I cheated on her despite her cheating on me with my best friend. I've had very little sexual partners, just because of the situations. Three to be exact. I know I know. You can stop laughing now. Haha. As for her, she was with her ex for 8 or 9 yrs and through talking with her about things, she cheated on him with one night stands pretty much throughout the entire relationship. Partying, getting drunk, and bam. She has had one, full on affair that I know of, where she emotionally connected with the guy and even went as far as making a weekend trip for a romantic get away. This all started of a bar hook-up and eventually was the sealer for the marriage ending. She stopped talking to the guy for a long period and then we started dating and hanging out. OK.

We have always had issues with her flirting with guys and having a lot of guy friends. I'm a very jealous person and I'm working on my own issues with that. However, she accuses me all the time of having feelings for a mutual friend of ours and if I were to make the same accusations, she makes me feel like a total retard and a douchebag for insinuating something between her and the guy. I can't seem to separate her in this relationship from her in her past relationship. She has NEVER cheated on me. However, it seems as though she's creating a lot of backups... Or a lot of groundwork for easy access to a cheat, temptation. We went out the other night and this is usually how it goes down. We got to the club with some friends, everything is going great. Then she goes to the bathroom and I head over there to relieve myself as well and find her just talking with a guy so I pull up and just start talking. I'm only trying to hang out with her and that set her off. The rest of the night all she did was talk to other dudes and get so pissed at me when I would even go up to her. "I just want to be alone" is what she eventually said. So I went and got a drink and then I see her bust out her phone and start getting numbers of these guys. Then I'm like, what the , so I go up and say "Wow, are you gonna get the number to every single guy in this club" she had gotten 3 already. She got embarrassed and we stormed out. Then she says "I don't want a relationship right now!" among other things, which she did apologize for that were kind of harsh. We go home together, sleep, reconviene the next morning to talk about things.

She immediately went to, we need to break up and get our own places. So I'm like, good god, let's think of something less drastic. Mind you, we are both evenly talking, not heated at all. We communicate very well together actually. I'm a therapist and she's a woman, so we have no problems talking about . Haha. I suggest us just keeping space and letting the other pursue some natural growth. We started entertaining the idea and things were going well. We talked about the guys from the night before and she admitted that she just wants to make friends, so I ask, why single guys? (meanwhile I know the answer is just that women in bars just have an easier time talking to men than women, obviously because a man will listen to nails on a chalk board if it means the chance at a hot girl) So I get that. But we both had talked about not making single friends anymore before we came to our new city. She got jealous of all the single girlfriends I had made as a result of my failing marriage. (which was the motivation behind being friends with so many women, I found out later) So, now I'm confused. But we agreed that this wasn't a relationship and it was two best friends that love each other just as much as before. I told her to just do what she felt was right for her emotionally and not worry about the labels, that's the best way to be honest with yourself. We left it at that, and even the rest of the day was WONDERFUL. We have had a crazy awesome few days. Sex, Laughing, Hanging out. She even blew off plans to do things with other people twice, in order to hang out with me...

But, now I'm confused. What in the world are we? She mentioned the guy she had the affair with the other day, so I know she's thinking about him and thinks fondly of him. Just friends or otherwise, I don't know. I believe it's a just friends thing. However, months ago the guy contacted her and hinted at a rekindling of the passion, etc etc. So, I know what's on his mind... I told her that it made me uncomfortable that they talked, but that I couldn't stop her and would never tell her to do so. However, I know what he wants... She is no joke the hottest girl I've met, a smart, funny, great person and so amazing in bed. Ok, so my problem is, we are in a relationship but not in a relationship and she is going back home for christmas for two weeks and that is where this guy lives.. She already mentioned something about them chancing a meet up somewhere at some point, but I don't know if it's truly been spoken or if it's my head making things up.

Soooo, I'm trying to pull back and give her more space while she is out of town, and thinking of suggesting a few girls' nights when she gets back. I just want her to know that I can give her space and she doesn't have to go somewhere else for her affections. I know that there is also the possibility that no matter what I do she makes the decision to go with him or not go with him. But I feel as though the implications of a meet up is a good way to get yourself in the door and start down a dangerous path. Should I be worried? Is there anything I can do?

Mind you, I want nothing more than to be with this girl! I love the out of her and don't want to spend time dating and moving all my out yadda yadda yadda. So all I'm wondering is, is this her potential attempt to destroy the relationship because she wants out? Or Is this a cry for her needing more space? (because I could go all day everyday and never get tired of her, I'm just that way) Or, DOES she just want to make friends and keep good friends as friends and not blend these lines?

We haven't talked about us being faithful to each other and not having sex with other people, but we talked about a friend in a similar situation that was "on a break" and hooked up with someone and I was like "they were on a break" but she said, well were they still sleeping together? So, in my head I'm like... is that enough? Is that my answer? We are sleeping together, but "not in a relationship", but still acting and doing as though we were BF and GF. Dude, I'm so ing confused! HELP! I could talk myself silly all day!

The only girls I've known to have pulled the same stunts as your girlfriend have cheated, and I regrettably dated one of them. I got the same line: "I'm just trying to make friends", and I replied with the same words you've just typed. Obviously, it didn't work.

To answer the question: you can't stop anyone from cheating, once she's made the decision, which is usually a long-time before she actually commits, it's over. Don't fight it, but don't accept it either, pack your sh*t and leave.

The trust is gone, which means the relationship is already dead. Let her run-off to her barflies. She may be a babe which is great, but she knows it and knows how to use it, those kind of women scare me.

Hi Baiande, welcome to the site. I'll be honest with you . If she has no problem getting guys' numbers, and flirting with them while you are standing right there, she would have no hesitation in taking it a step further.

You said that she cheated in past relationships, what makes you think that she won't cheat in this "non-relationship"? She cheated on her HUSBAND, who I'm sure she was sleeping with, so why would she NOT now when you have tossed the labels?

You know how easy it is to have sex with a former lover. Things are so familiar, and you know what each other likes, and dislikes. There is no awkward fumbling , or "to kiss or not to kiss" moments like in dating. You just pick up where you left off. I know I did in the past.

I'm sorry, but you asked, and I'm telling it to you straight. This of course, is just my opinion only , but if I were a betting man(hell, what am I saying, I am), I wouldn't put my money on her behaving while she is just right around the corner from "Mr. Rightnow". She sounds like she still has a wild side.

Maybe you should have that "no sex" commitment talk after all.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

Take all your eggs out of her basket, and if you can't enjoy her for what she is, a free wheeling, fun loving girl, then leave her alone, as she doesn't see love, commitment or loyalty the same as you do.

You have been warned!

If this girl has cheated too many times to count on her own husband, what makes you think it would be any different with you? She wants space because you're closing in on her and the little group of guys that she calls "friends." You're right in suspecting that they are there for "back-up."
I do not blame you for being suspicious that a girl would cheat on you when she's chatting with other guys, telling you to leave her alone, and she has a horrible track record when it comes to cheating and lying.
In my opinion, it is okay for guys to suggest for their girlfriends limited contact with other guys, and girls, same thing. I don't mean sheltering them, deleting their other guyfriends off their myspace or Facebook, or telling them not to talk to guys no matter what- but getting phone numbers, calling another guy CONSISANTLY, flirting, or physical contact while she's dating someone else isn't right- it gives off the wrong messages.
(My fiancé and I have a couple rules... We don't ride in cars alone with anyone else of the opposite sex, unless the other feels completely comfortable with it, also, we don't stay in a house, apartment, or building alone with anyone else of the opposite sex, again unless the other okays it. If my fiancé suspects that one of my guy friends has wrong intentions, he will let me know so I can be more cautious. The reason why we do this is because if someone I knew saw me riding with another guy alone- it wouldn't look good. On top of that, the temptation to cheat can sneak up on ANYBODY- if you think you're immune to it, you're completely naïve, it will show up sometime, somewhere, with someone, and this is our way of protecting ourselves and each other.)
This girl is not in it for the long-haul, she couldn't even stay committed to her own husband. You do not deserve a woman like this.

Good thoughts... I went out on a run for a while here and thought to myself, I'm just going to let it roll... I mean there is nothing I can do to stop her if she does decide to bang this dude... and I don't know if it's closure she's looking for or rekindlement with this guy... either way, I got an easy going roommate and is hot as hell, that bangs like a champion... so if she wants to sew wild oats, I'll let her have at it... but I don't want her doing it because I'm all over her and she's needing an escape, that wouldn't be good for her or healthy for anyone... if she's going to do it, I want her to want to do it... and that way I'll know for sure that it's done

Bad thing is, I don't have time to change anything about how we are doing as a "couple" because when we get back from TG apart, we split for xmas in like less than 2 weeks... so, (shrug) it is what it is

Dude, you need to start looking at women in a different way. You have stereotyped in your post by saying that women talk a lot, and you have compared women talking to fingernails on a chalkboard. On top of that you say you have a hot roommate who bangs like a champion.. Maybe she is hot, maybe she does bang like a champion, but dude, where is your respect for women??

Are you kidding me? Lol... I'm joking the entire time... I'm trying not to take everything so seriously and just let things flow... I'm insanly in love with her and I think about her all the time... my favorite thing to do is hold her, like seriously, I've never felt this way about anyone... girlfriend, or friend-girl... you're getting a 30sec to a min, tid-bit about what I'm dealing with RIGHT NOW... don't count the fact that I'm way more in love with her than she is with me, obviously... I'm trying to remove myself as best I can... don't kick a guy when he's already wounded, dude...

I'm just saying I'm here for advice on how to handle how things are going... she asked me the other day something about her friends getting married, and then asked me if I would ever want to get married... I flat out said to her "if we could figure out how to make each other happy in this relationship and we could find a way to love each other equally, i'd marry you right now"... I just think what it boils down to, is that we are in different stages of the divorce and I'm ready for a relationship and her husband was so controlling that, she can't stand the thought of being "accountable" to anyone for anything...

So, if you have advice on how to stop falling in love with someone so damn hard... I'm all ears... but please don't presume to know me enough to judge my outlook on things, sorry it's coming off harsh, but things are pretty raw in my life and what your saying frankly, isn't fair nor is it warranted.

So you're friends with benefits.

That's all you are. If you aren't okay with that status then break off all contact with her.

You have two options: one to continue being friends with benefits and keep blindly hoping she'll change. Two to go no contact and forget about her because you can't get rid of this emotional attachment and you will only be hurt.

I know I know... we actually talked about that... but the thing is... why does she say she loves me, and calls me all the time when she's out of town? Why does she act even more into me now before?. is it just that she feels that it's now friends with benefits?

Going back, she still says things even now about "i'm such a good boyfriend"... and "i love you soooooo much"

Then when I told her a story about my friend hooking up with some girl while this other girl and he were broken up and how upset his "ex" was... she just stonely replied "were they still sleeping together?" I was just like, well I donno, does that matter? She indicated, absolutely...

What do I do with that?

She may well be so in love right now, but does that also mean she will always feel that way, and be loyal to you? For now understand her idea of love, may be different than yours, and your idea of commitment, may be different than hers. You have only been together for a year, so don't assume you have things pegged right. There is much more to learn, my friend, way more than you already have, about her, and yourself.

Eyes wide open, and pay attention. See reality, and not the fantastic intense feelings. Words make you feel good, as long as the actions match those words.

Thanks talaniman... you are really making good sense.. I like the train of thought you're on.. my only question is, how do I act, what do I do?. I've never been so indecisive in my life... somedays I'm literally lost in what to say or do when I interact with her

Talaniman Rule- Enjoy getting to know someone, and keep it real.

But that doesn't mean you get carried away by some intense feelings. Or mistake fantasy for reality.

Be yourself, and be honest with yourself, and be willing to stand up for yourself, and relax and have a good time.

You already have enough facts to know that her feelings can change, and she will get other ideas, and interests. Don't expect her to do more for you because your you, as her past behavior is a good indication of her future behavior.

You can't change a persons nature, they either fit or they don't.

Just me I enjoy the ride until its over, but don't expect wedding bells or a forever thing. Thats just me though, but if you can't handle that, get off the ride. No hurry!!! You'll find out.

So before we go back on break for christmas... should I discuss if we are hooking up with people and if I should discuss it... how the hell do I bring something like that up without putting her on the defensive?

When your on a break, then you do your thing. That's what being on a break is about. Does it make sense to you to have a romantic relationship end, and not be able to do your own thing? Even if it is friends with benefits? Why break up in the first place, and exactly why you get that sort of thing straight at a break up. Why act like a couple if your not? Does that make sense to you? If it does, be happy with limbo.

Talaniman Rule- When you get dumped, disappear, and revoke all their relationship privileges.

Talaniman Rule- When you get dumped, go do your thing, not theirs.

If she is setting all the terms and rules for how things go in this relationship, thats your fault, so don't cry over what you can control, and change.

No no no lol.. I mean we are seeing our separate families for christmas, not breaking up or taking space... she is going home and I am going home and we are coming back for new years

But I still see what you're saying... my question is really... should I ask her if we are on a break break, or should I just let it ride and see what happens and not even entertain the issue?

As I said, that should have been established at the first mention of the subject.

"What kind of break are you talking about?"

That simple.

Wow man I'm sort of in the same situation.. I wrote about it already in the forums, but yeah my GF took a break with me but started hanging out with this other guy a lot. We still talk and hangout but I am so nervous she is hooking up with this guy. I say if you can't trust her move on man no point in driving yourself mad, I've spent 2 weeks thinking about her 24/7 I can't move on but I really wish I could.

Look, you said you are a therapist. Why don't you turn the spotlight on yourself?

You're dating someone that is just divorcing (and you have recently as well) and they have a history of cheating. They are 'hot' and love flirting. They clearly want to date other guys. You're the jealous type.

What would you say to yourself, if you were your therapist? Would you think that this scenario is sustainable?

You need to take a 'break break' from this situation so that you can get some perspective - or you'll get sucked in and really, really hurt.

Thanks guys... all this really really helps me move forward... I've spent the last few days thinking more about the situation and I've gone out a few times and had girls come up to me etc etc... I think I'll see how things roll out between us and not be so involved... if she's going to do something like that, nothing I can do to stop her anyway, so it's a waste of time to get involved or put energy towards it