My Husband and I have been married for 8 yrs. During our dating relationship & engagement we couldn’t have been happier. He works a lot with odd hours so we didn’t see much of each other but when we did we always loved being around one another. Then we got married and moved in together and I got to know the side he had been hiding. Turns out he had an internet porn addiction. It was so bad that he would rarely leave the house unless it was to go to work. For the most part I would be alone for family functions or dinner with friends, etc. I felt that I was still single. In his defense the porn didn’t bother me, at first. It wasn’t until I realized he was spending HOURS on the computer while I was at work viewing it, that I became concerned. When I would try to talk with him about it he would get VERY defensive. Eventually it started to affect our sex life. We went from having sex 4 times a week to once every couple of months! Then I come to find out he had been hiding a lot more from me…Things started to surface…I found out he had cheated on me while we were engaged, he takes lunches with other girls from work (I found pictures & notes which he had, like an idiot, accidentally left on the back seat of his car) and all the girls were blonde with huge breasts. One of the pictures I found, for example, was of him and a girl, they had their arms around each other and she was wearing an extremely low cut top. The picture was taken 4 years AFTER we were married (according to the date on the picture). I’ve confronted him with all of this. He admits everything but also gets defensive. He said the guys at work take these pics and that all the girls are the office sluts that have done it with everyone. Oh except him of course. In a terrible heated argument he even threatened to “break my neck” if I didn’t just stop hassling him about what he does and to get over it. His defense is that I’m insecure. OK I’ve always prided myself on being very secure with myself but come on, who would be o.k. with all this. Am I crazy? I told him I would change and be what he fantasizes about…Yep I got breast augmentation (DD), went blonde, and started dressing differently. I’m 5’8” and weigh 105lbs. So they look big. OMG my husband was so happy! It didn’t even bother him that I was getting tons of attention at work or even just going to the store! He started to compliment me on everything not just my new breasts…my long hair, green eyes, my thin legs he was noticing every part of my body again and sex was better than ever. He still looked at porn but since it was only once in awhile it didn’t bother me. We started having sex all the time, I got pregnant and we had a baby. Then after about a year everything changed again. He started looking at porn all the time again but this time of women with K size breasts. Yeah HUGE right? He said he wished I was that big. NO WAY! I’ve already changed a lot of my appearance for him but no way in hell would I go that extreme. He just became increasingly obsessed with bigger and bigger breasts. The porn addition started up again and back to square one! I finally just told him that I wanted a divorce that I couldn’t take all the lies, porn addiction, his flirting with other women, his anger problem and threats etc. I had to admit that after all of this that I somehow fell out of love with him and that I’m just disgusted by everything he does and has done. He couldn’t take me leaving him so he begged me to go to marriage counseling with him which we did. Everything came out. Now it’s been a year since the counseling and it’s like he’s a changed man. My problem is that my heart is still where it was when I told him I fell out of love with him. Everyday I pray that I love him again. Please can anyone out there give me advice on what to do to fall back in love with him, to care about him again?? We have a young daughter at home so divorce is not an option. I just want to be happy and in love again.

Sometimes, marriage counselling is just too little, too late.

The problems were pretty much insurmountable at the extreme levels you described, before the counselling.

You either love him, or you don't. If a divorce is not an option, then you have made the choice already to stay married to a man you do not love.

A loveless marriage with no hope of turning back the clock after a year of counselling, seems to be a very lonely place to me.

Whew! That was quite a story, I kept seeing size K breasts and blond bimbos (no disrespect intended).

Look, I don't know if you can fall back in love with your husband. Your trust has been challenged and abused by his activities and you have reached the point of disgust. Disgust can be harder to let go of than hatred.

If you want to stay with your husband, perhaps what you need to do is work on eliminating the disgust and slowly re-establishing your affection for him. Don't expect love, at least not immediately, and work on finding the good things in him, the things that make you laugh or smile.

Often it's also not possible to go back to the way things were. You have to decide if you can stay with a man you don't love and take the time to get to know and care about him again. Only you can know if it's possible to reignite the spark.

Divorce is always an option, but maybe what you need is some time apart to re evaluate your own feelings. Either you miss him, or you won't, but may have an idea how to proceed, once you figure out what you really want, and don't want. Start with making a list, and show it to him.

When you had the counselling did you both come to understand the reasons behind his previous behaviour? Is it that you don't fully understand why he acted that way or that the reasons don't seem adequate or that they just don't make a difference? Do you believe he learned enough so that he will never do it again or are you scared that the bad stuff will still come back?
If you feel that you understand why he used to act that way and that he is now 'cured' then surely you are angry at who he used to be not who he is now. Maybe you just can't reconcile the new improved version with the old one. Perhaps part of you longs for the guy you originally fell for but that's not who he is now even though he's not the guy who was hurting you so much either.

If you could disentangle the feelings from the different versions of him maybe you can work out what you really feel for who he is now.

Apparently I am not alone. I'm sorry you are going through this. I know how you feel.

I like to use this analogy. By him changing after counseling, was like throwing deck chairs off the Titanic. Too little too late. He had already done a lot of damage to your marriage.

The question is what to do now?

I think that you should tell him how you feel, and maybe get a babysitter so you and he can go on a vaction. I mean a romantic getaway.

If you know that you want to salvage this marriage, and he has made huge advances, you should maybe go BACK to counseling to find some ideas on just how to do that.

I think that you have been patient, and have made some huge investments(boobs), but just try to love him again like you did before.

Good luck to you.

Thank you for the laugh! I love this part of your message! I'm so glad someone other than me feels that way. =-)

****************



quote by Gemini54;
Whew! That was quite a story, I kept seeing size K breasts and blond bimbos (no disrespect intended).

I'm sorry too that you are going through a similar situation. The way I see it is if he can't see enough to change for me, then I can't love him again. I've given him an ultimatum and told him if he doesn't change then I'm done. I can live "with" him and try to fall in love again, BUT I can also live without him and be JUST FINE.


Apparently I am not alone. I'm sorry you are going through this. I know how you feel.

I'm sorry too that you are going through a similar situation. The way I see it is if he can't see enough to change for me, then I can't love him again. I've given him an ultimatum and told him if he doesn't change then I'm done. I can live "with" him and try to fall in love again, BUT I can also live without him and be JUST FINE.

Well, you've said it all really. It's the effort and commitment he makes after you've, a) made changes for him, and, b) asked him to reciprocate and make changes for you.

The ball is in his court.

In the end it IS about reciprocity - you don't want to feel like you're making all the effort or pandering to his whims without anything in return.

If there is nothing in return, then there is nothing.

Well, you've said it all really. It's the effort and commitment he makes after you've, a) made changes for him, and, b) asked him to reciprocate and make changes for you.

The ball is in his court.

In the end it IS about reciprocity - you don't want to feel like you're making all the effort or pandering to his whims without anything in return.

If there is nothing in return, then there is nothing.

What happened in your situation? Have things improved for you?

What happened in your situation? Have things improved for you?

Er, what?


Originally Posted by smeyer423
Apparently I am not alone. I'm sorry you are going through this. I know how you feel.

I think it might be this poster that you're referring to...