Me and my girlfriend have been together for 5 years last year I have been a nightmare to live with I have realized now she has gone I have been nasty in the sense of verbal abuse. We have spoken and I have written her a six page letter saying sorry I know this cannot be forgiven I not expecting that just one last shot at this relationship with me now realizing that I cannot do what I have done in the past. I have spoke to her a few times and one min she says its over in her head then she says she does not know. I then asked to meet in a casual place to talk like adults to discuss this and she says maybe. We talk OK on the phone but what's going on in today today things but I tell her she is very special to me and I love her very much eating and sleeping for me is hard getting sent home from work on sleeping tabs. I have asked for on last chance but she says last time was the last chance she says she does not feel that way about me anymore but I say how about meeting she says maybe. I am trying so hard to be back with her I love her and I am sorry.

Yesterday we spoke nice conversation I was telling her she is very special I love her she said she did not feel the same way asked to meet up she said maybe. I text her last night a couple times during the day could not help myself. I then went round this morning she had ago at me telling me that when she is nice to me I bug her I told her sorry tried to give her a cuddle my heart sank. I said can we meet she said does not know. This is doing my head in I got sent home from work because I cannot cope with that went to the doctors they signed me off for a week the other thing is she was a virgin before we met and it makes me feel sick someone else going there I feel useless and horrible inside threw my tea in the bin last night could not stomach it I really love her she is busy starting own buisnnes so she is busy but I am trying very hard. Everything reminds me of her even TV and radio drive to work in silence.

I will say I am not looking for fogiveness I understand what I have done I am stuck I really have made a terrible mistake and I wish she could find it in her heart to give us another shot. I said this to her by taking us in small blocks no rush does not have to move back in until she is ready and she says I don't know what to do.

really it sounds like she has had enough.. how many times have you said one more chance.. how many chances has she given you? Too many too count maybe.

I suspect she wants you too leave her alone,and to get on with her life.. shes tried being nice and you take advantage,by going over there uninvited and sending texts and phone calls.

leave her alone walk away.

as for her seeing someone else,she can,she's single,it does not mean she is now but in the future maybe she will.

if you valued her that much,the relationship would not have come to this.

start working on your own life,and start no contact..

She's left and her feelings have changed. You should respect this and not push for a meeting to talk things over. If she wanted to talk now she'd be willing to make arrangements to see you.
You now need to get your life back on track, sleeping,eating and being around people who care for you.
Physical activities help so go for walks,runs the gym, the works.
Take it one day at the time and allow your head to clear.

She still has two draws full of clothes shoes books I have taken her number off my phone so I cannot contact her. 5 years I really love her why would she start being nice to me by calling couple days ago asking what people thought about it this is the first time we have been apart.

We can only go on what you post.

In the first post it seemed clear that she wanted out..

Perhaps she just needs someone to tell her she is doing the right thing.

Its hard been with someone who is difficult and verbally abusive,it knocks your confidence and yourself esteem.. and it chips away at any love you feel for the person.

I can't say if she will return or what her motives are for making the calls,5 years is hard to walk away from.. the fact that she endured the abuse for a year before she ended it and it's the first time you have split,it would seem to me that she has tried to make it work but to no avail.

Yeah I understand her I have told her its my fault I am going to do NC from today sent her an email saying I love her and she wants to try again she knows where I am I attached some photos of us that's it I am tired now I have made a terrible mistakes I do think she wonders what our friends think on my side at the moment she is surrounded by her friends and family who I think maybe give out negative thoughts I don't know.

I think going no contact is the best way to go..

Concentrate on yourself,get healthy and maybe some therapy if you think it will help.. if there were issues that triggered your behaviour this year.

What's done is done... it does not matter what other people think or what they are saying.. she has support around her,you need support too.

Thank you I feel so cryee I have tried asking myself why I did what I did to be honest I don't know this is the hardest thing I have ever faced.

Maybe its what you need to get back on track.. time on your own,time to sort out your head.

Consider talking to a professional if you think it will help, if you don't know why you behaved as you did,the chances are it will happen again.

Talking to someone who can steer you to an answer would be beneficial.

Get some exercise,it will help you sleep.

Perhaps start keeping a journal,writing everything down is a way of purgeing,and reflecting.

Il give it ago I can go to my parents which is a five hour drive from here but they live in the middle of know where and they will be working I am debating to go or not

Go.. if your not working and have no other responsibilies then why not.. maybe time with your parents and some home comfort will help ease your mind... give a ring first!

And tell them.. they know you well and it might be nice to have people who love you around.

Also,getting their take on things might give you perspective and a little head space to make a plan for when you get back.

Going there I a bit thanks

Take care.. if you keep an eye on your thread other people will post more advice which you may find helpful.

Thanks il keep you all posted thank you ever so much.

Everything red has been saying to you is great.

Why is it this past year you have been so miserable?
What triggered it?
Have you guys talked about things or was it just you saying your sorry over and over?

I think she finally had enough hearing it and not seeing the changes. She stayed strong and tried for that year you say you were mean to her. I think she just gave up and eventually feelings just fade. She probably just got tired and wanted to be happy again.

Do the NC. Go stay with your parents like you said. Don't beg and plead for her to come back. Do you want her back because you guilted her in coming back? Or do you want her to see you're a changed person and she actually wants to be with you again.

You work on yourself and being a better person. If she loves you and wants to come home let her do it on her own.

5 years is a long time and you can't expect to completely cut off ties overnight. Breaking up is a slow process.

The reason it looks like a break up is because after 5 years, you should already have a strong basis on how to work out your issues. Furthermore, it requires the effort on both sides to work things out. It sounds like she's slowly giving up on her end.

You already told her how you feel. You already told her that you still love her. You already told her that you still want to put the effort.

Now the ball is on her side of the court. It's up to her if she wants to give the relationship another chance. You can keep reminding her of your feelings, but it could push her away and it's ultimately up to her if she wants to reciprocate those feelings.

I have been a complete idiot that's it she knows I love her I am going to leave her alone to see if she comes to me I have done the chasing the one thing I will say is that during that year I did not rlise until now what I was doing I just took it for granted that she would never leave.

Just like a lot of relationships. You get comfortable and assume its for the long haul. How you treat each other doesn't matter. But that's not the case. Some people live years like that and some don't. I guess she is someone who won't live like that.

Yeah I know what I have done can't change the past I love her so much

I have decided to stay for tonight at flat because I think its too late to go to my parents I have no appertite food does not seem intresting to me.

It's a normal feeling but your body needs fuel. And your head and heart will feel better for eating.

I'm going to be blunt, so you may not want to hear this.

Verbal abuse is awful. It is possible for an abuser to change, but is it likely? Hell no!
It takes real commitment and years of therapy to change such ingrained behaviors. It’s like child molesters…they can’t change because it is how their brains were hardwired.
It can be beaten into you that your behavior is “bad”, but getting you to actually change and not just pretend that you have is almost impossible. You definitely have some self-esteem issues and codependency issues that needs to be dealt with.

All of it requires that you willingly accept what you are doing wrong, and correct the behavior with therapy, in one form or another, to start finding out what happened to you that make you behave/think like that.

I am a very empathic person but have to side with your girlfriend on this one. Unless you go get long-term help, you won't/can't change.

I understand it was not all the time I am not crazy I know what I have done I would never treat her this way again.

I disagree with devorameira to a point..

Sometimes in life our behaviour can change due to stress,medical or outside pressures beyond our control... the op does not state that the verbal abuse has been continious throughout the relationship,it seems to me that the last year had been where the verbal abuse has come into play in the relationship..

There's is not enough information to say that the bad behaviour cannot be adjusted.

I think it is very possible for someone who was verbally abusive to change.

Reading this makes me cry I am sitting here not knowing what to do went for a little drive around villiage the only reason thought I might see her that's the truth pulling my hair out here from what has happened I know I have been bad but we have had a holiday together this year that was good need to talk to her.

It takes time to get over a break up. I'm sorry that there's no magic potion for immediate relief.

Many of us have gone through painful breakups and we all founds ways to overcome the pain. We all learned that "time heals all wounds." You need to be patient with yourself.

Try reading these stickes at the top of the relationship section:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/what-expect-when-you-get-dumped-123862.html
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/how-get-him-her-back-187766.html
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/what-did-learn-after-devastating-breakup-303761.html

Have you read the stickies in the relationship forum.. theres one by 'friend4u' I think you will see a lot of your present circumstances in that thread.

If she is not calling you,and not trying too make contact,you doing it will only cause you to feel worse right now.

Can you call a friend?

I have none really text one friend he is busy tonight

Well then hoppy,welcome to the amhd board,there's always someone here,and plenty to learn and read.

Looking through other posts can help you see how others coped in your situation,perhaps even help someone else.

Helping someone else is great for distracting the mind... its also gives you the munchies... you have been warned!

Can I say why is there still some of her things here like shoes and clothes books also she owns almost everything in the flat she also has keys

Perhaps when the emotional dust settles she will make a move to get them back,or ask someone else to do it..

I would strongly advice you to be perpared for that.

Also,to keep a cool head.

Do you think she thinks about me what I am feeling

I don't know.

People deal with breakups in their own way.. she may be upset,or relieved.


Its understandable to want her to know how much this hurts,but I think from your posts,she tried,and she was hurting before things ended...

We also have a dog together she has it at the moment.

There are going to be a lot of things to sort out later.right now,you need to concentrate on you and getting some food and rest.

Its not good also to speak with her mum

Its not good also to speak with her mum

no.

No contact with anyone connected with your ex.

OK so now do I wait for her to contact me and if she does do I speak I will say she moved out a month ago and it took me two weeks after two weeks it hit me but I cannot understand why we have spoken

Some of that did not make sense

Thanks for talking I feel like a pain going to my brothers he does tell me that its all over she is never coming back but it hurts me very bad so I have distance myself from him but I am popping over there now once again thank you to you all mainly redhead 35 I will talk later cheers.

Back did have something to eat chips I felt OK for a bit then I sank low left my brothers feeling crap thinking about her I miss her very much I drove round on estate not outside she could not see me or anything just made sure she was there bedroom light was on I thought to myself wondering if she was thinking of me. The worst thing that goes in my head is someone else touching her picture her body and someone's hand can't get that out of my head.

How about getting off the pity pot, and getting your act together, and be a man, just in case she cares to take a second look.

You can start by getting a life that you enjoy, and have friends, and family who value having a happy, well balanced person in their lives.

Anything would be an improvement over the weak pathetic excuse of a man you have become.

Do you really think she would want to even consider being with who you are now? I seriously doubt it, so get busy on yourself, and get your butt back to work!!

I don't want her to see me like this I know I know what I have to do I want to be better I am going to try and sleep well tonight fresh head on tomorrow I am trying need to try harder I know it hurts that's all thanks

Break ups suck for any reason, but you don't give up your manhood because it hurt. You can overcome this, just leave her alone, and get it together. Don't try, DO!

You can do this.

Go do something fun with your friends. Spend time with family.

Just get your mind off her.

Hang in there, with time, it will get easier.

Look, she's spent the last year living with what you describe as a 'nightmare'. You've told her that you're sorry and she's taking her time thinking about if and when she wants you back.

You need to prove to her that you HAVE changed. That means respecting her requests for space and dealing with the hurt you're feeling. You created this situation, so now you must deal with it. Stop driving by her house, stop texting, stop the unexpected visits.

Start exercising, start eating well, start talking to your family and friends. Start finding out why you behaved like a $hit. If you want her back you have to prove that you understand why you were so horrible, not just say you're sorry and that you'll never do it again.

Actions speak louder than words.

Hi well I have not spoke or had any contact now for six days but got in tonight with a message on answerphone asking how I am and would I like to see the dog at some point what do I do I am happy to reply but not straight away as I don't want to seem desperate. Its really weird to hear her voice and hard to know what to say any advice.

It seems you have regained some balance in your life,but are you really ready to contact her? I suggest you don't but carry on doing your own thing, recover your strength and stay NC for as long as that takes.

I do feel better she phoned me last night I was out at a friends house got back to message I left it I might call tonight but be very brief not to act desperate no I love you I miss you do you want to meet non of that just hi how are you etc. after that carry on with NC rule unless she calls I am not making the calls I don't have her mobile number only remember her house number.

It's good you're doing so much better.
I would advice you to proceed with caution as regards any contact-NC means no contact at all, I e not taking or responding to their calls or messages either.

I wouldn't respond at all, seeing as all those feelings your working hard to deal with, will be stirred up again, and that's for sure. Why should you suffer for her curiosity?

Be honest with yourself for a second fella, does a response benefit you at this time, or her?

Are you really ready for more of the same rejection in the end,or hoping she has changed her mind?

You better think carefully of your actions, before you do anything, and put your needs, above hers, for a change.

She called me again tonight had a brief talk how things etc that was it I took her number off my call list so I don't have it I await to make the move again when she wants to.

I think you'll find that 100% no contact will work best,you need to allow yourself to get back on track-let her do her thing,while you do yours.

I am I'm not going to ignore her I love her but she has to do the running as I have done that I will not make the contact she can contact me. She wants me to see the dog as she is ours this weekend but I am going to leave it.

Hi had another phone call last night we had a chat about how things were etc. We then got onto the subject of us she said she could not go back to the way things were I said I did not want to either. She said I was not the person she fell in love with and I have been selfish.She said that we could be friends I said no as there is too much got on between us. Then I said I have been thinking and I have matured over this breakup and that maybe you could hear me out by maybe meeting up. In her own time can't remember what she said but she has been making the contact. If we were to meet maybe go bowling or something fun just to break the ice I am not sure.

You can't remember what her reply was? So you don't know what she wants to do? I'd say it's much too early for you to meet up and talk as I find nothing that says she s willing to have a serious discussion about the two of you.

Yeah I think it is early to meet I am not making contact or the descions why would she call me she called me Wednesday left message then I left it she called again on house phone I was not in then on my mobile then again on house phone last nitw what's that all about.

As to why we can only guess which isn't constructive. Me, I wouldn't take her calls as they will add to your confusion and slow down your own healing process.

I don't want to lose her if she desides to contact or meet then il agree but I am not making the contact friends is not an option for us it either try again or cut off each other I mean she has a lot stuff in flat.

what's that all about.
Its about being demoted to the friend zone because that the only way you stay in her life.

she said she could not go back to the way things were I said
No more romance, just friend is the translation she meant. Of course you see this as a chance to show you have changed and can be with her, IF SHE TAKES YOU BACK! That's FALSE HOPE, playing with you mind.

I did not want to either. She said I was not the person she fell in love with and I have been selfish.She said that we could be friends i said no as there is too much got on between us. Then I said I have been thinking and I have matured over this breakup and that maybe you could hear me out by maybe meeting up.
This is a perfect example of you not listening, and trying to get her to take you back. Her mind is made up, but your not hearing that. Sure she will go out with you, as friends because she still has options, and opportunities, that she is leaving open. She doesn't have to break up with you any more because you are already broken up, and your in the friend zone whether you like it or not. She simply has to not spend time with you, if something better does come up.

She is only contacting you out of boredom now, and you would be very wise to take the hint, stop all contact, and stop pursuing her at all, even as a friend.

Heal and disappear from her life, or drag this useless effort to have romance out, until reality hits you between your eyes, and will hurt you more than anything you have experienced.

And of course you will be mad, and make it all her fault, but in reality, its you who should have made a better choice, and a better course of action, given the facts, and not your FEELINGS.

You can't see that now, but you will.

I am not the one contacting her she is I told her we cannot be friends she asked why I said its not a good idar it won't work I am not pusuing her I want her why would she phone four times two days yesterday she phoned at 9.30pm after a really lond day at work starting at 9 finishing at 9 then calling me before going to bed that out of boredom why call me when she is tired.

I am not contacting her at all.

Constantly calling you does just what she wants, keeps you guessing, and gives you false hope, so she can get what she wants from you. Its working isn't it?

All you take her actions for are she doesn't want to let a lover go, but in reality she wants friendship.

That relieves her guilt, and lets her feel she made the right decision. If she had something better to do, she would be doing it, don't you think?

None of her contacts is about getting back with you, NONE! Thats a fact you keep ignoring.

If you ignored her attempts, and moved in another direction, the friend calls would STOP! Then eventually you would accept this is no longer about love, and romance, and hasn't been, at least on her part, since the break up.

You obviously have never had your feelings change for a girl, broken up, and tried to keep her in your life, as a friend, and not as a lover, because you would have recognized that's what's been going on since you broke up.

She is as determined to keep you as a friend, as you are to get her back as a girlfriend. That's where the confusion, and conflict is coming from.

One of you has to cut contact, for you both to heal, and move on.

I know what you are saying I want her to cut it off but I won't tell her that because I want her if she could collect her stuff and no contact then I could at least try to move on but when she calls me keeps her stuff here I am confused but I can't tell her because I love her. Spoke to my mum to see if I should send her one text saying Hi would you like to go bowling tonight she replied no thanks I am OK. Ileft at that what am I supposed to do I am on a low day today sorry to all for being a pain .

I have been following this and I think red and tal have been doing very well with this. But if you think you can move on easier with her things gone then why wait for her to come get them? Why not box it up and move it out yourself. Leave it with her parents or friends. I see you using that as an excuse to see her again. If you can get her there to get her things you can talk to her and work on changing her mind. Make if final yourself. This way there isn't that lingering feeling you know you will see her again if her things are there. NC. Period.

Your no more of a pain than any one else in your shoes, so trust me, we all have sympathy for your situation. Been there more than a few times myself.

Sunflowers suggestion is a great one, give her her stuff back!

You have to be strong. Your wallowing in your pity, and she is playing you for a fool. Stop all contact! Don't answer her phone calls! You have to work on yourself and get stronger. We all have been down this road, sometime in our life. But your learn from your mistakes, and don't make the mistake a second time. You said you verbally abused her. Get help for yourself and work on you. Then next time the relationship will work. Good luck.