I am a 25 year old female. I don't have kids. I have been happily married for 6 years as of this year. My husband has a best friend that just recently moved away.

Now in the beginning me and my husbands best friend didn't get along. He wanted to spend time with my husband all the time and I wanted to be with my husband which caused lots of arguments between us. About 1 year ago I determined myself to loose weight and be happy. Well in turn for doing so my husbands best friend and I started to get along better and better. We started all three of us staying up and watching movies and I am the kind of person who loves to give affection and I would rub my husbands best friends back every once in a while when watching movies. I was left alone with my husbands best friend numerous times when we shared an apartment with him and we got along well. I never once in that time though had feelings for my husbands best friend.

Well later on about 6 months ago my husbands best friend had to move away to a different state only 5 hours or so away not a big deal or so I thought. We were at his moving away party at a bar, I wasn't drunk, to make things clear. Suddenly something clicked in my brain. Almost as if a light switch was turned on. I started noticing my husbands best friend more. I was slowly realizing that all these years we had gotten to know each other how much I really cared about him, and also how much I really didn't want him to move. My husbands best friend has always been extremely attractive. He was a model and looks a lot like Patrick Dempsey if that can give you a picture. I never felt this attraction before... Even at the time my husbands best friend had gained a little weight and started looking more like a man than a little boy. For some odd reason that night when he was having his move away party I noticed him more than before. I realized then that I regretted ever being mean to him and wanted him to stay in anyway he could but he just couldn't.

Well the next few weeks were hard I missed him sooo much I went from being soaring happy to extreme depression. My husband and I then decided to pay a visit to his best friend and go see him for the weekend. We went to see him and the moment I saw his best friend I soon felt like my heart and soul was filled again. Just like old times. We hung out on the beach and at night we all three took a walk out by the ocean water and talking about life. We had a great time. The night my husband and I started to go, I had to work the next day so we had to leave that night we went out for a few drinks with my husbands best friend and while we were out my husbands best friend took me aside and began to tell me how he truly felt about me. He explained that the reason that he didn't like me in the beginning was because he thought that I was dragging my husband down and that I really didn't care for him and also that he felt as if I hated him in the beginning which in turn made him not like me. He even stated that and a quote "Ever since you have became fond of me, I have became very fond of you." We were standing there and as he was telling me all of this he held me sooo tight and looked so deep into my eyes I felt as if we were connected. I felt something I had never felt before. It's so hard to explain. He told me how proud he was of me for losing weight and that he actually looked up to me and he cared about me more than even his girlfriend at this time. I was overwhelmed with warmth and joy while he was expressing me his feelings and then he let go of me and said I really like you. I shook my head up and down and agreed I stated I know. He then proceeded to say and I quote "no I actually really like you" and said my name at the end. I then stated with more of a scream "I like you too." We then smiled and turned around facing all of our friends and started to mingle again. We didn't mention much that night more on how we felt but later on in the early morning hours me and my husband had to leave. We were packing up and ready to go and as I was saying goodbye to my husbands best friend I almost broke down in tears and the whole way home I was so sad and could hardly breathe. My husband and I have always had a pretty open relationship so I told him what had happened and how I felt about his best friend. He said that he thought that we might have started liking each other and maybe I developed a crush for him or something and that he wasn't really worried. He stated that it's just human nature and that I will eventually get over it.

Well it's been a few months later on down the road and right now I am still missing my husbands best friend. Every day I am constantly reminded of him. I can not get him out of my head. If there was a switch to turn this feeling off I would hit it. But I can't stop this. It isn't just a crush either. I know he's good looking but it's more than that. I feel he likes me too as well.

The thing is I don't believe in just getting a divorce, things between my husband and I have been great but I do seem more distant from him than I used too and I can't stop thinking about his best friend. I dream about him almost every night. I just don't know what to do and I feel this force when I am around his best friend that I have never felt before.

I did get married young. At the age of 19. My husband happens to be the first and only boyfriend I have ever had. Maybe I am just confused maybe I didn't know I could ever feel this way about someone else. I really miss my husbands best friend and when we visit him it's harder and harder for me when I go home. I haven't been back in almost 2 months now to visit him but I miss him now more and more. I just need help or therapy...

Any advice would be appreciated.

I think you do need therapy or at least someone you can talk to.

First, you're married but you already know that. Second, you are emotionally cheating on your husband.

Whether you married too young, love your husband, are living in a fantasy world - you are playing with fire. You say you and your husband have an open relationship. If so, tell him about your feelings.

I think that fantasy life is more exciting than real life - I'm sure the best friend doesn't throw his socks on the floor or have to be reminded to take out the garbage.

You have to decide how important your marriage is to you and then decide how to proceed.

Sometimes it is hard to put meaning to intense feelings to understand it. It just is.

Maybe that you developed such a bond with him that you are just grieving a friend, but not necessarily a future mate, lover, or husband.

I give you a lot of credit for being so honest with your words, and I give your husband a lot of credit for listening and understanding.

Time and patience are your best friends right now. The deep friendship you had with him will take some time to get used to, but life goes on.

Keep putting your marriage first, and everything else will fall into place.

Your husband's best friend has violated his trust. He is making romantic advances toward you, and that is crossing the line. You have fallen for him, and he for you. But what to do? You say that you do not want to get a divorce, so tell your husband that this isn't just a crush, and that you want to stay away from the friend for a while, maybe forever. What's the alternative?

This is like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. When Butch(Paul Newman) has a loving attraction toward Katherine Ross' character, but she already "belongs" to Sundance( Robert Redford). But they both KNOW that it will never work. They don't share her, or push the matter any further.

This is not healthy for you to be dreaming of another man while you are sleeping next to the one you claim to love. Is your husband filling all of your wants and needs? If so, stay away from the friend.

This is not fair to the man you have vowed to love and cherish for better or for worse. You are married. Act like it.

How would YOU feel if it was your husband attracted to YOUR friend?

You have gotten yourself into a mess. Get out while you can.

You wanted input, so there it is.

You need to put your marriage first. This is what your husband would want and what is ethically the right thing.

We all have times when our relationships are challenged by things outside them. Sure, you can blame getting married too young, but this is probably an excuse for giving in to your feelings.

Yes, it's hard, but they are just feelings. Feelings can change as you already know. The 'best friend' clearly does not have your husband's best interests at heart if he cuckolds his best friend's wife. This is already a red flag in my view.

Seek therapy and stop visiting. Let your husband and his best friend have a friendship, and back off. I would also let the best friend know that you value your marriage, that you feel your friendship with him compromises both the marriage and his friendship with your husband, and that for the time being you don't want to have contact with him.

Welcome to the adult world, where feelings are intense, and so are our attractions to others. The difference between kids, and adults, is we adults can have the feelings, without crossing the boundaries of good behavior, and don't get carried away by those intense feelings.

Did anyone but me notice the role alcohol played in this thing? Or prolonged contact?

Of course its up to you what you do with your feelings, and how you handle them, but trust me, give it a lot of thought before you do something stupid, that you will regret later.

If you can't handle your feelings in a responsible positive way, you have much growing, and learning to do, because having feelings is human, and it only matters what you do about them.

I think you have developed a strong friendship with the best friend and you are confusing that with love. Perhaps he is giving you some type of feeling that you once felt with your husband and you miss it. In my opinion, marriage is the most important thing. Sometimes feelings can get confusing and you tend to misread them. Would you be ineterested in Marriage counseling? It's good for both of you because he is obviously not delivering in a way that you would like him to. You have to be able to tell him that something is missing in the relationship and you both need to work on that.

The crush you have is a band- aid cover. It covers up the scar but doesn't heal the wound. You're getting your feelings mixed up.

Think really hard about why you love your husband and what exactly you would like for him to do differently. You loved him so much you decided to commit your life to him... think about that. Don't give up a marriage for a puppy crush.

Good luck to you.

Think of the consequences. What have you to gain, and what have you to lose, if you contact his friend, and keep that spark going.

A friend of mine, same sort of situation. She's been married for 20 years, and a 'friend' from the family cottage started giving her attention. One thing led to another, and they were 'almost' intimate.

She felt so guilty she told her husband, who is now on sick leave because he is so depressed about the betrayal, by both of them. They are going to marriage counselling, and I have no idea if they can salvage their relationship.

That is a consequence of not controlling your behaviour and feelings. Not for me to judge anybody, but had she just used a bit of insight and put the brakes on, none of this would have happened.

Please think this through.

Well after thinking things through... I do feel that maybe I could be confusing a deep friendship with love... I have never felt this way before about anyone. But, it is possible that I am a little confused... First off when I feel these intense feelings that overwelm me it actually feels like I am grieving for him as if he were dead... I shouldn't feel that way if I were in love with him. These feelings did only start when he was moving away, and I honestly feel if he moved back things would go back to the way the used to be. I admit I am very sexually attracted to my husbands best friend, I worry about him, I want the best for him, I would do anything for him... But that doesn't mean it's love I guess. I just want him to move back and get him out of my head... Cause when me, my husband and our friend all hangout I am completely happy... I do feel that you can love two people at once. The real crazy thing is, I haven't mentioned this before, but my husband went through the same thing with a good friend of mine about 2 years ago... He was open to me about it... He grew very close to her and disclosed his feelings toward her to me... I wasn't upset at all and I knew that she would never go for him... She wasn't into him at all and she would tease him a lot... But in the end my husband just finally had to distant himself from her and over the last 6 months to a year we haven't seen her much and now when we do he states and I quote " I just don't see her that way anymore, maybe I was not in love with her, maybe it was just an attraction or infatuation.... but I feel nothing now...." so we got through it but it never really bothered me cause I knew she would never go for my husband. But the thing is I think my husbands best friend is in to me or is falling for me... I don't know... and it's a lot harder when someone that you have some sort of feelings for shows you feelings back... sooo much harder... But, I don't know how things will work out, one thing is for sure my husband will know what's going on always, and I love him just as much if not more than his best friend and I would never leave him for some stupid dream like that... The hard part is just getting over this feeling... It's hard when you are in an open relationship that allows you to feel these feelings... My husband and I are crazy in love with each other... and we have some crazy love triangles... :) But we have made it before and I don't think that we couldn't make it through this...

I wouldn't ever let this ruin our marriage... but I guess the big issue is, how does this happen, how do two people that know there could never be anything or relationship fall for each other, I just never thought it could happen to me. I wonder sometimes what it would have been like to date around a bit more... But then my heart always falls back to my husband... He completes me... :)! I guess what I am really asking for now... is how to get over this feeling... It is exciting, erotic, and fun, but dangerous... I just want to stop feeling these feelings for good... But I don't want to loose a good friend... I also wonder if telling the friend how I felt would be a bad idea or not... Thanks for all the advice...

Discussing it with him is crossing the line of good behavior, these are your personal feelings, so enjoy your fantasy, and keep it to yourself. Deal with your feelings in a mature adult way, and not like some wide eyed naïve teen ager.

Husband is always first, and rightfully so, wouldn't you expect the same from him??

I think you do need therapy or at least someone you can talk to.

First, you're married but you already know that. Second, you are emotionally cheating on your husband.

Whether or not you married too young, love your husband, are living in a fantasy world - you are playing with fire. You say you and your husband have an open relationship. If so, tell him about your feelings.

I think that fantasy life is more exciting than real life - I'm sure the best friend doesn't throw his socks on the floor or have to be reminded to take out the garbage.

You have to decide how important your marriage is to you and then decide how to proceed.

Listen to JudyKayTee - great answer! You're just filled with "infatuation" - but that's not part of the real world.

I heard this on Jerry Springer Show from a Trailer Park Mom talking about her daughter... "You can fall in Love with anyone."

And she is right. You can fall in Love, have feelings, and care for ANYBODY... once you get to know them.

Yes, you care for this man. So... and you will care for many other people too. Does that mean you will leave each man for the next man every time you get the feeling.

Your heart will betray you. Use your head.
Don't follow your heart (emotions), because it can lead you wrong. Follow your mind without the cloud of emotions.

True, true... I wouldn't mess up my marriage for this and I really am trying to use my brain... I guess I really am greiving for him... Even as I speak my heart has this huge hole that cannot be filled... until he is back in my life more... I really miss my husbands best friend... well, my best friend too... I couldn't imagine life if I had never met him... He honestly brings out the best in me... He is so outgoing... a real pusher... He pushed me to be someone I didn't think I would ever be... He... made my life so much better after I started to get to know my husbands best friend... But that is all we will ever stay is best friends. I would never let my husband down and make him think that I love his friend more than him... Even if in my mind I do...


Okay, see here is the thing, I feel like my relationship with my husband has been kind of bland... I never was excited like this with my husband when we first met... I never have felt this way for my husband, I honestly feel like my husband is my best friend we have great trust, if anything ever did happen between his best friend and I just like before I would tell my husband and be honest with him... Again we are open and very trusting relationship, very little jealousy more like best friends and true soul mates... However, the other part of me craves a dominant man and a more passionate, more outgoing man, and that is something that my husband just could never and will never be... If I could marry both of these guys my life would be complete I would have everything that I want.

My husbands best traits are Sweet, kind, gentle, trusting, helpful, smart, and he is good looking, and he doesn't over do it by any means with affection. He is not very passionate, he doesn't like to have sympathy for me when I cry, He isn't the lover, kissing, and sexual man that I would desire...

My husbands best friend's traits are attractive, genuine, smart, very passionate, very sexual, possessive, masculine... He likes to give lots of attention whereas my husband doesn't my husband loves solitude.

I am the kind of person that craves attention... I need it on a day to day basis and I feel that I don't ever get the attention back that I give to my husband... Whereas with my husbands best friend he gives me attention and I give him attention in return... He holds me, my husband is lucky if he even snuggles up to me at night...

I need passion... in my marriage, I need more attention from my husband, I need more sexual arousal, I need more happiness, I give my husband everything, I rub him to sleep almost every night, I am always hugging him and telling him I love him, but rarely does those favors get returned, I know my husband loves me but it's hard when you try and try and try to explain how you feel and you never get anywhere... He is like a robot, in his own little world. But, we get along well, we are honest and I have told him how I felt about his neglect towards me and all he can say in return, every single time the conversation comes up, is "Thats just how I am, I like being alone, I am not touchy feely type." But on the contrary he is always draining me of the attention I give him...

His best friend is just there and fills that hole that I need... The other part of the story... He gives me the attention that I desire. But he is not as nice or smart as my husband and I don't think that we could ever be together long term. He is my way to feel the passion that my husband doesn't give. My husband understands how I feel. I have told him numerous times that I like how his best friend treats me and that I would love it if he would treat me that way too but he just says that he will try but it's just not his character and personality. So... I love my husband and I love my husbands best friend I get the best of both worlds from both but I never will divorce my husband and I could never be with my husbands best friend. I just need my husband to understand my desires and that would make things I think a little easier. Hopefully... Wow, I am a mess...

Instead of or in addition to the words you've posted here, have you ever said this to your husband? I can't imagine that passion is or isn't in a person's nature and can't somehow, somewhere be brought to a place which satisfies both of you, emotionally, physically, whatever you are seeking.

If you have to, print that out and hand it to him.

I AM a touchy/feely person. I am very open with my boyfriend - I need that reassurance, connection, whatever it is, from him in return. I'm not talking about public displays of affection, groping each other in public. For that matter it's not even all about sex. I'm talking about the hand in the small of my back when we go into a restaurant, holding hands at the grocery store. He understands and he's really opened up to me. On the other hand I am very reticent to use "words." If he says he loves me I say it back. He needs me to say "it" first and I've been working on that.

It takes two people - I am concerned that as long as you have the fantasy boyfriend/best friend in the wings you are not trying as hard as you could with your husband.

I don't think you're a mess. I think you're confused and express yourself very well. Believe it or not, I know what you are saying but I do think if your feelings continue in this vein at some point you will have to make a decision. Very possibly you won't end up with the best friend but you very well could be on the path to destroying your marriage.

Speaking only for myself I would consider thinking about/loving his best friend to be emotional cheating.

One fatal mistake we often make is take the fantasy of our feelings with another, and think its so much better than the partner we marry. That's a very unfair comparison to begin with, as you married your husband for who he was, and to now NEED something different from him is totally an unrealistic expectation.

Deal with reality here if nothing else, and don't get caught up with over thinking, and applying all these things you need on your friend. You have no clue what kind of husband he would make, so stop guessing, and keep reality separate from fantasy, and communicate your NEEDS to your husband, and not your friend.

I think you are just in a strong attracted fantasy that we all get some times like looking at a movie star and wishing you could be with them one night, so with time this fantasy will soon dissolve and you will be sorry you left a good person for a fling.

I am not thinking of leaving my husband in anyway and never would... I just really love his best friend...

I still think loving a man who is not your husband is dangerous - and emotional cheating.

I agree it is...

I need passion... in my marriage, I need more attention from my husband, I need more sexual arousal, I need more happiness

The thing with passion, attention, happiness, sexual arousal is, that in the end they are ephemeral. They come and go, and they are in fact the superficial elements of a marriage. These things ebb and flow, sometimes there is more, sometimes less, sometimes none.

What binds a marriage at a deeper level is commitment, trust, constancy and companionship.

A relationship built only on passion, attention, happiness and sexual arousal will last for a while - but what happens when some, or all, of these things ebb? What happens when something occurs with one or both partners which affects the passion, attention, happiness and sexual arousal?

That's when you need commitment, trust, constancy and companionship.

If you are seriously thinking of NOT leaving your husband, then you must make a decision to commit to him and trust. This will mean that you stop communicating with the other guy.

It may be that precisely because you are constantly, hugging, rubbing, etc, etc that your husband does not have the chance to reciprocate. If you feel that he is draining you of attention then stop giving it so readily. By backing off a little you may allow him the space to respond.

You need to stop talking to him about the other guy, and give him the opportunity to want to change and please you. The way you're going, I fear he's retreating more into his shell and you'll end up destroying the connection you have by continually comparing him to his best friend.

I do worry that by me being open with this that my husband is getting even more distant...

I guess over the past two months that I haven't seen my husbands best friend I am feeling those strong feelings start to subside a little.. It was pretty bad there for a while... but I realize that I love my husband and he is my foundation we are great together... We complete each other... It makes it so much harder when you are actually allowed to speak to another person you are in love with and also I have had some sexual experiences with my husbands best friend too and it wasn't actual intercourse, but at the time my husband was cool with it and we were younger then... That's the part that's even trickier... They call it swinging... I didn't want to say that right off the bat due to the fact of I wanted you to hear the true emotional part of the story not the physical... I wanted to express how I truly felt without sex involved... My husband was okay with me having intercourse with other men and I with him but it is very, very, very, slippery ground. We are very honest with each other and we have stayed together through a lot. It does make it hard though when you are allowed by your husband to cheat both mentally and physically... I don't want you to get the wrong impression of me either... I am not a crazy sex addict or some crazy nut bag... swinging for my husband and I is just recreational and if we are okay with and if it happens it happens... I just never thought I could fall for someone afterward... But that's the gist of it... that's the whole story me and my husband are swingers I have been intimate a little with his best friend, however this was before we started having feelings for each other. I guess I was a little embarrassed too to say that before... Even after all that though... I am now really thinking about things and I really do love my husband... the more I am alone and dwell on it the more I see that the feelings for my husbands best friend were more lustfull... I really care about my husbands best friend and I do think we click well but he isn't my husband and swinger or not... :) I just need to give him what he deserves and needs... It's very hard to do this on here I don't know if anyone else has ever been through this... Even if you don't know who I am it's still kind of weird explaining to other people I don't know that I am a swinger...

I never was thinking of leaving my husband. I am allowed to cheat... but I could see the damage it was doing to our relationship and I just needed advice on how to get over someone that I think I might have fallen for and still be there friend in the long run... I guess for now time will tell... I will try to keep my distance from my husbands best friend... but it is hard when we will probably go visit him in the future... but I know that I will be stronger and that I do love my husband and we will stay together... That is unless my husband dumps me... I can't say what he thinks or is thinking... but I will let him know all what I am...

i agree it is...

Its sort of like the movie broke back mountain with both men cheating on there wives and it all came out in the end.

I think swinging in a relationship is precarious - as you're finding - and it takes an unusual and committed couple to withstand the challenges. In my experience, from people I know, it's not uncommon for people to fall in love or become infatuated with their swinging partners and for this to destabilize (or end) their marriages.

Although this revelation puts your original question in a slightly different light, I think that much of the advice provided by the posters still applies.

You and your husband need to 'swing' the focus back to yourselves and commit to each other again, not to erotic external fantasies. If he has been complicit in getting you to do this, then you must speak to him and tell him you don't want to do it again. The swinging and the contact with his best friend needs to stop as, at this point, neither of you has the maturity or self understanding to relate simply as friends.

Remember that commitment, trust, constancy and companionship are what build a good relationship - experimenting with passion, sexual arousal and excitement outside of your marriage can only, in the long run, lead to uncertainty and tears.

I think swinging in a relationship is precarious - as you're finding - and it takes an unusual and committed couple to withstand the challenges. In my experience, from people I know, it's not uncommon for people to fall in love or become infatuated with their swinging partners and for this to destabilize (or end) their marriages.

Although this revelation puts your original question in a slightly different light, I think that much of the advice provided by the posters still applies.

You and your husband need to 'swing' the focus back to yourselves and commit to each other again, not to erotic external fantasies. If he has been complicit in getting you to do this, then you must speak to him and tell him you don't want to do it again. The swinging and the contact with his best friend needs to stop as, at this point, neither of you has the maturity or self understanding to relate simply as friends.

Remember that commitment, trust, constancy and companionship are what build a good relationship - experimenting with passion, sexual arousal and excitement outside of your marriage can only, in the long run, lead to uncertainty and tears.:rolleyes: I AGREE WITH ABOVE

Looks like lust instead of love

In fairness, most people who have lost weight, love it when its acknowledge by someone. Any one can get carried away by newfound attention, but it helps to keep things in there proper perspective.

23 posts later the truth comes out. I also have no idea what "a little intimate" means. It's like being pregnant - you either are or you are not.

At any rate there are advantages to telling the whole story truthfully at the start, on this board and in life.

Now I wonder where the best friend is coming from - he and OP's husband share this woman? Wonder what the relationship means to him - if it means anything, that is. That may be the missing piece of the puzzle.

Why do I feel like we have been lied to and jerked around?? :mad:

Why do I feel like we have been lied to and jerked around?????:mad:



Probably because you've been lied to and jerked around.

ALL of us who responded feel the same way, I'm sure - you just said it best. :)

I'm wondering troll/not a troll?

How the hell can you expect good advice if you can't be honest, or at least factual?

How the hell can you not develop feelings for the people you screw in an open relationship. Maybe this is a troll!! :mad::mad::rolleyes:

I was going to come back and edit but you got here first.

My thought was that the final post by OP said a lot more about her and her sense of "honesty" (I'm not even going into the morals of lying because maybe it matters or doesn't matter on an Internet site) and her personal integrity than any other of the hundreds of words (maybe more) that she posted.

She could very well be the next poster child for a non-swinging website! Imagine getting yourself into this situation... and then finding out the OP isn't into swinging, she's into "love" (and I put that word in quotes)?

I'm going to print this entire thread out and hand it to anyone I ever meet who suggests swinging to me - and I'm not kidding!

Care to wander over here (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marriage/husbands-female-friend-127998-3.html?=#post2112090) and see her latest fabrication?

23 posts later the truth comes out. I also have no idea what "a little intimate" means. It's like being pregnant - you either are or you are not.

At any rate there are advantages to telling the whole story truthfully at the start, on this board and in life.

Now I wonder where the best friend is coming from - he and OP's husband share this woman? Wonder what the relationship means to him - if it means anything, that is. That may be the missing piece of the puzzle.

I HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING THIS STORY, and could it be a threesome

I HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING THIS STORY, and could it be a threesome


It WAS a threesome - they are swingers. Swinging is partner swapping WITH permission (from the other partner). Just out of curiosity, what do you think swingers are?

Now I wonder where the best friend is coming from - he and OP's husband share this woman? Wonder what the relationship means to him - if it means anything, that is. That may be the missing piece of the puzzle.

I think that THIS is the interesting bit in this saga, her husband seems to have encouraged it and gone along with the swinging, but now it's all gone pear shaped... for all of them.

Talk about being gobsmacked!!

To the OP- you are a very deceiptful person, and have taken advice and guidance from well intended people, without telling us most of the story.

I did wonder why your husband was so receptive in talking about the 'loss' of this 'platonic' 'friend'. I should learn to trust my instinct more.

For the record, you screwed yourself, now the consequences are yours to sift through, figure out, and live with.

Lotsa luck.

At least, now I know why I kept hesitating to comment on this thread until now.

The problem with trying to make your story more socially acceptable is that you portrayed a much different dynamic for the relationships. This does explain your being understanding about him falling in love with your girlfriend.

Quite frankly, you both need help. He refuses to give you the emotional support you need while taking all that you can give and you get emotional support from outside the marriage to keep from being totally drained by your husband's needs. Not a healthy relationship.

Get into counseling. Work together or let him be alone while you move on and heal from this mess.

Next time you need help, please give all the facts up front. When you don't it makes you look like a troll who is trying to get certain responses before adding (changing) facts that would get different responses.

Good luck.

Filth.. . This whole thread.(OP's posts) I'm disgusted.

If you start a relationship with this man in these circumstances, your chances of success in a relationship are about slim to none. You have both been emotionally cheating on your husband and his girlfriend, and he's been a terribly disloyal friend as well. You both should have recognized that the living arrangenment was not appropriate, and now that he's moved out, you should not be chasing him to his new home to visit.

We've all had crushes, and the nature of a crush is that it can be like a giddy, preoccupying high for a while. But they rarely become anything else.

You had to know that giving this man a backrub when he was living with you was not appropriate.

I think you need to forget this guy and focus on your marriage. If you end up leaving your husband, leave him because he's wrong for you, not to chase his best friend into some fantasy world. You owe your husband your loyalty and fidelity, and at the very least, the courtesy to make your decisions about your marriage based only on him and you - not anyone else.

If you start a relationship with this man in these circumstances, your chances of success in a relationship are about slim to none. You have both been emotionally cheating on your husband and his girlfriend, and he's been a terribly disloyal friend as well. You both should have recognized that the living arrangenment was not appropriate, and now that he's moved out, you should not be chasing him to his new home to visit.

We've all had crushes, and the nature of a crush is that it can be like a giddy, preoccupying high for a while. But they rarely become anything else.

You had to know that giving this man a backrub when he was living with you was not appropriate.

I think you need to forget this guy and focus on your marriage. If you end up leaving your husband, leave him because he's wrong for you, not to chase his best friend into some fantasy world. You owe your husband your loyalty and fidelity, and at the very least, the courtesy to make your decisions about your marriage based only on him and you - not anyone else.



You are aware this is/was a swinging relationship (a three way) and the backrubs, etc. were with the husband's permission and approval?

OP, her husband and the best friend are not "into" loyalty, fidelity and courtesy and it was by mutual agreement.

If you read the original post explaining the relationship and then her posts which follow you will see how misleading the original question was.

Deceit not withstanding, in any relationship their has to be boundaries that you both define, or you will have the type of chaos that renders the partnership useless. Being in an open relationship is no different. Of course you develop intense feelings for someone your intimate with, any human would. Its how you deal with them that counts. When partners agree, its all good whatever they agree on. I don't understand your post, or question under these circumstances, since you did say he was interested in your friend, but she was not interested in him. Would you then be jealous of her? You sounded like it and their lies the rub, as you are now doing what he couldn't do, and that is a conflict. Rather a disingenuous one at that.

I won't judge your lifestyle or relationship arrangement, though t ain't for me. But as long as you and your husband communicate, and work together, maybe the range of human emotions won't come between you, and cause a problem. That is if you can deal with them given the chances you take having sex with whomever you chose, and still be in a committed marriage.

I personally know many who do the same thing discreetly and have no problems, even though they don't swing, they are aware and okay with what their life partners do with whomever.

The only thing that Pizzed me off, was the lack of clarity, given the anonymous nature of the site, that you presented your situation. But I think we all missed, or passed over the open relationship remark at the beginning of this post.



It's hard when you are in an open relationship that allows you to feel these feelings...

I took "pretty open" from the way the post was going to indicate that they could talk freely about anything. My boyfriend and I are open, too - that means we talk about anything and everything! I will now change the way I explain things to people.

But in the end my husband just finally had to distant himself from her and over the last 6 months to a year we haven't seen her much and now when we do he states and I quote " I just don't see her that way anymore, maybe I was not in love with her, maybe it was just an attraction or infatuation.... but I feel nothing now...."

I think you take a clue as to how your husband handled his own feelings, and distance yourself from your friend, and get some clarity, and perspective. For sure this is what we tell anyone who has a hard time with their feelings of attraction for another, other than their partner.

I need passion.... in my marriage, I need more attention from my husband, I need more sexual arousal, I need more happiness, I give my husband everything, I rub him to sleep almost every night, I am always hugging him and telling him I love him, but rarely does those favors get returned, I know my husband loves me but it's hard when you try and try and try to explain how you feel and you never get anywhere.... He is like a robot, in his own little world. But, we get along well, we are honest and I have told him how I felt about his neglect towards me and all he can say in return, every single time the conversation comes up, is "Thats just how I am, I like being alone, I am not touchy feely type." But on the contrary he is always draining me of the attention I give him...


JudyKayTee... This is the lost of Passion I was talking about in the other posts.

Outlawneeler... you are not the only one feeling the lost of passion.


My wife had described the lost of passion to me.
I don't know the answer... but I can tell you (in my case) it is not link to attention, massaging, physical touching, sex, or touchy things. Because I was the one giving all these things. My wife still say I have the best hands... hmmm... massage. I am a great father... I am a good listener... etc.

I think it has to do with your mind set... since now, you know the difference and have something to compare it too. Not your fault, the opportunity was there for you to discover someone else. Uhhh... "The Fruit of Knowledge." This would also apply to knowing whether your husband is really good in bed or not... because of knowing the difference and comparing.

I feel the best course of action to communicate these feelings with your husband and hopefully he will get the importance of the situation. And if you needs are spelled out for him as you describe it... hey, that is easy and fun task for the both of you. Buy a book or Video and have fun experimenting on how to obtain sexual arousal. Who knows maybe doing things together is the key... taking dance lessons... traveling, etc.

Expectation levels will never equal to each other.
No two people have the same level of things.
Things like amount of cleanliness, amount of hugging, touchy things, levels of acceptability... One person will always be higher than the other and on some issues lower than the other. I think, if both partners just respect each other levels of things and how each have grown up so differently.
Even People with the Same Levels (ie sibling and parents) can't stand living with each other.

You need unconditional Love and need to be told... he loves you... but you know from your hearts of hearts, when he tells you he loves you, he really really meant it. And it is not given freely. So, Accept the fact he is not going to return that favor at the same level as you.

have fun experimenting on how to obtain sexual arousal.

I think they have had a bit too much experimentation (swinging/open marriage).

Now, it is time to stop playing games and learn how to be a couple who gives each other support instead of getting it from others. Emotional as well as physical.

I find it interesting that hubby was willing to give love and affection to the girlfriend that he seems to hold back from his wife with the excuse of 'that's the way I am'.

Too many questions and inconsistencies.

Too many questions and inconsistencies.



I kind of think this thread should be closed, because there's just too much swinging back and forth (in more than one way, obviously) to really get the WHOLE picture.. . But oh well.. .

I think we all have to step back. Just because the lifestyle is not one you choose for yourself, it is theirs. They are happy, and together and the OP has said she would never leave her husband, but the question was what to do about what she thinks is love for the husbands friend, who we find out is intimate with her, at her husbands permission.

Sex often intensifies feelings between humans, no matter the real circumstances, but time tells if its love, or friendship, or whatever because lust fades with time friendship and love grow.

Doesn't matter how much swinging you do. Couples define their own relationship, and the boundaries of good behavior, not society at large. We can only say Ugh, not me.

JudyKayTee... This is the lost of Passion I was talking about in the other posts.

Outlawneeler... you are not the only one feeling the lost of passion.


My wife had described the lost of passion to me.
I don't know the answer... but I can tell you (in my case) it is not link to attention, massaging, physical touching, sex, or touchy things. Because I was the one giving all these things. My wife still say I have the best hands... hmmm... massage. I am a great father... I am a good listener... etc.

I think it has to do with your mind set... since now, you know the difference and have something to compare it too. Not your fault, the opportunity was there for you to discover someone else. uhhh... "The Fruit of Knowledge." This would also apply to knowing whether your husband is really good in bed or not... because of knowing the difference and comparing.

I feel the best course of action to communicate these feelings with your husband and hopefully he will get the importance of the situation. And if you needs are spelled out for him as you describe it... hey, that is easy and fun task for the both of you. Buy a book or Video and have fun experimenting on how to obtain sexual arousal. Who knows maybe doing things together is the key.... taking dance lessons... traveling, etc.

Expectation levels will never equal to each other.
No two people have the same level of things.
Things like amount of cleanliness, amount of hugging, touchy things, levels of acceptability... One person will always be higher than the other and on some issues lower than the other. I think, if both partners just respect each other levels of things and how each have grown up so differently.
Even People with the Same Levels (ie sibling and parents) can't stand living with each other.

You need unconditional Love and need to be told... he loves you... but you know from your hearts of hearts, when he tells you he loves you, he really really meant it. and it is not given freely. So, Accept the fact he is not going to return that favor at the same level as you.



The more of your posts I read the more difficult I find it to believe that you are a Psychologist - everything from not knowing the difference between "loss" and "lost."

The OP was honest. Her husband knew she was having sex with another man/other men. Your wife went behind your back. She finds admirable traits in the "other man." You have stated that your wife was involved with the neighborhood scoundrel.

I fail to see the similarity.

As a woman - I can be with a partner who gives the best massages in the World, is the best listener and the best father and not be satisfied in the relationship. I need to love my partner. It's as simple as that.

Comments on this post
Jmjoseph agrees: His profile states "photographer".




I did see that. One of his posts does say he's a Psychologist. I'll dig it out and post it. (It might be changed by now.)

Maybe he's both...

I did see that. One of his posts does say he's a Psychologist. I'll dig it out and post it. (It might be changed by now.)

Maybe he's both ...

I remember that particular post. I read it when I was on the International Space Station.

Oh yea, I am an astronaut too. I didn't mention it?

We seem to have scared off the OP, so I think closing this post is for the best.