Hi everyone,

I have a friend who was depressed about a year ago. She didn't take any medication, but spent a lot of time at the psychologist and with me. I was the only one of her friends who knew what was going on, me and her mum. I spend all last summer being there. Holding her in my arms while she was crying.

The main reason why she was like this was the fact that she had no boyfriend and she was a virgin. I don't feel nice talking about this to strangers but I just need to rant... and ask your opinion. We are both 23, and before last July, I was exactly like her, no serious relationship/virgin, only I didn't feel as if it was something to feel sad or embarrassed about.

So, last July, I met my boyfriend, and we have been together since. I'm very happy with him. However, my friend's attitude towards me has changed since. She had asked me not to tell her anything about my relationship because if would only make her sad, and I respected this, however hard it was for me not to be able to share the most important thing in my life with my friend.

Last month, she slept with a friend, just to get it over with. She told, me, and I criticised her, because I wish she had waited to do this with someone she really cared about, like I did. I was pretty harsh on her, but she admitted I was right. I did tell her though, that I hope this will make her feel better in general.

And then I ask her if I have the right to talk to her about MY life now that that's done. She got furious. Like it's no 'right', it's a matter of respect etc.

I'm sorry, but I have done EVERYTHING for her, and she won't even listen to a word I'm saying. She doesn't know what's been going on in my life for6 months now.

I just wonder if this is 'normal;' reaction from a person with problems... if I should continue justifying her or blame her for once...

Thanks!

People with mental health problems are naturally very self centered, so you will probably never get a reaction from her regarding your own trials and tribulations. I don't think she would be even listening to you when you justify or blame her for something. It is just the nature of the ailment to be 'tuned out' of anyone's life, even their own. Shoud would, I think, respond to kindness, in a way, but it is hard to say depending on how deep she is inside her own head.

Tick

Yes, that's what I thought... but I don't think it's very fair for me... I mean I need my friend as well. I need her to be a friend. I feel bad for feeling like this , but it's the truth:(

Yes, that's what I thought...but I don't think it's very fair for me...I mean I need my friend as well. I need her to be a friend. I feel bad for feeling like this , but its the truth:(

fisk, it is what it is. Just support her the way you know how and take heart in that, that you are there for her. I don't think you can expect anything else. You are a good friend, and she is a lucky person !

Tick

Hi fisk

I agree with tickle, that your friend might not truly listen to you if you were talking to her about yourself, I wouldn't blame her for that, but you might need to remind her that being a friend goes both ways and even though she might find it hard to hear you talk about yourself, you ned her to try, just like you have done for her.

But, now she says that if I had really understood what she was going through I never would have asked her if I could talk to her about my boyfriend. She says that the only thing that matters to her is her life right now.

How can a friend still want me to be a friend if she tells me that? It's as if I'm telling to someone 'hey, I don't give a s*** what you're feeling or how you are, but I need your help'. It's OK for some time. But it's been going on for a year and a half.

She ended her last message saying that she doesn't want to talk to me anymore, because I don't 'INSPIRE' her anymore.

How unfair is this? She's only feeling like this because I'm going out with someone. I want to scream to her face 'you're just jealous, admit it'. But I can't do that to her, I still want to be her friend and I still want to be there for her.

But I feel so... used. Yes, that's the word, used. She used me to have someone to talk to yet now she's proving and she's even saying that she doesn't care about me. Because for once, I needed her.

I'm so sad... :( all I wanted was to be a good friend.

You are still not 'getting it' fisk. It isn't her talking, it is the person she now is and it has nothing to do with you.

Tick

So how should I react? Cause I have to react somehow... I can't let a message like that pass.

I think I'll just write something like I don't understand why I don't inspire you, but you inspire me, cause that's why we're having all this talk in the first place: I want to talk to you about my life and you won't let me.

And then I'll just add that I'm still there, only from very far away, cause that's the way she chose it. And that when she decides, I'll be there. And that I hope to 'inspire' her again sometime.

I'm sad :(

Oh, fisk, I wish I could give you a big HUG from all of us here. You know that we are here for you anytime you want to talk.

Just say to her: I am sorry I don't inspire you right now, but I hope to again soon and (the rest in your last paragraph).

Kindest regards, fisk,

Ms tickle

I think i'll just write something like I don't understand why I don't inspire you, but you inspire me, cause that's why we're having all this talk in the first place: I want to talk to you about my life and you won't let me.

And then I'll just add that I'm still there, only from very far away, cause that's the way she chose it. And that when she decides, I'll be there. And that I hope to 'inspire' her again sometime.

I'm sad :(

I think that is the best thing that you can do at the moment, I think you are a very good friend to her and hopefully she will realise that only being interested in taking care of her life means keeping you in it and I hope that she will realise she needs to be a good friend to you as you have to her

Best of luck fisk :)

Thanks a lot for all your messages. I did send her that last message, I don't think she will reply, but I still did it.

Having someone near you with mental problems is hard to deal with too! It's not just the person who suffrers( he most of all of course), but also the people that surround them. They have to put up with reactions that they wouldn't normally. And they always have to think before they act/say things.

This has been hard on me, since I really felt like I went through the whole thing with her. But I'm just hoping she'll get over it in the end, with our without me.

Regardless of your friend's depression, this emotional burden has been on your shoulders for a year and a half, and she is not much better. She refuses to take her medication, as you said, and this has added to a very slow recovery, and slow progress. Has it occurred to you that she may be using you as an emotional crutch? You may very well no longer be helping, but preventing her from standing on her own two feet.

Friendships are about give and take, mutual respect, and boundaries. One cannot dictate that the other is not worthy of any of those. When one person does all the giving, only the needs of the taker are being met. Eventually the user will move on when resistance is met, or when they need more than you can give.

You have been a very good friend, far more loyal and true than most friendships. Try to think of this friendship in different terms if she comes around; set some boundaries, and don't let yourself get in so deep, that you lose yourself.

Ok, I need to rant again... :(

I'm back to the place where my friend lives. I haven't seen her since September and even if we did have that exchange of messages where she clearly accused me of trying to make her feel bad by wanting to talk to her about my life, I still texted her when I arrived so we can meet. Her answer was that 'it depends if I want to talk about that', since for her the subject is closed and she doesn't want to go through it. Like an idiot, I told her that for me the subject is not closed at all, but that talking about it would probably make things worse so we could still meet. So today I text her again saying I'm free so we could maybe meet, and she sends me a very plain 'I can't'. Not I'm sorry I can't, or sorry but let's go tomorrow. Just, 'I can't'.

I feel really bad once more, bad because I'm supposed to meet a person for whom I've been more than a friend, and act as if we're just 'mates', talking about random stuff. She has hurt me so much by her acts, and she doesn't even realise it, and I'm scared she never will. It's just not fair, I want my friend back, I want her to appreciate what we had once again, and I want us to chat like we did before.

I'm sorry, I just needed to talk to someone about this... and I can hardly do so with anyone else, since her problems are private. I'm not sure how to handly the situation once I see her.

Four months have passed, and it is probably important to you to know how she is doing, because you care so much.

If it does turn out that you two do meet, just go with the flow of conversation, and get a feel for how she is talking, what she's willing to talk about, and how she reacts to what you say.

That will give you some idea if there have been good changes or not.

I think you know, that if she has not decided to take her medication and improve her life, you have no reason to start giving again, otherwise, you will end up where you were.

Maybe it is just not going to happen that you will have your friend back. I lost a very good friend to a charismatic religious sect years ago, and it took a long time to realize she would never come back either.

I hope you post again, regardless of how it goes. Good luck.

It's been a year and here I am again!

I no longer live where I grew up but I'm always back for Christmas. Update: My friend and I are not that close anymore but we still meet when I come back.
So I texted her saying I'm back and she called me so we would meet. We meet and after saying welcome, she starts going on and on about how great her life is. How she loves her job, how for the first time since a long time she's feeling like she can stand on her own two feet. And how now she knows who she wants to have in her life, she's sure about which people mean something to her .She didn't sound very convincing.. So later on she mentioned that when she watched a certain movie she was crying for 4 hours and I asked why and she said... ' well you can't understand me anyway'. (the movie had to do with a woman looking for the love of her life-her biggest problem is that she's still single)
I let it go, but when I left I texted her saying 'im not sure you feel as great as you're saying so, but its your right not to talk to me about it. Just don't be so sure I can't understand'.
Her answer was that We are not that close anymore and it's time I accept it, that I don't know what she's up to during the past year and a half. I can't give you the tone of the message because it was written in another language but it was very harsh! She was plain mean, and all I wanted was to ask her if she really is OK... because she def didn't seem so.

I kind of cracked and told her how unfair her attitude towards me is after everything we've been through. That it makes me sad, but it's even sadder that she doesn't seem to care that it makes me sad.

She didn't continue the conversation because 'its christmas' and I just said sorry but I've been holding things inside for too long, it all came out.

I'm leaving in 2 weeks and I don't think she'll get in touch before. WHy am I so weak and I can't let her go? I've been more than a friend she's been giving me 0, nothing; all she does is try to make me feel bad in every way. She is so self centered that when I'm with her I feel drained. But I still want to help her cause I love her. But she won't let me come near.

I've been thinking that maybe she's connected me with that time of her life where she wasn't well at all ( not that she's that much better now, anw) and she wants to cut me out of her life. She knows that if I open that door, she might drop so low that it will be hard to get back up again...

Just tell me your opinion... please. It's Christmas and Im thinking about this instead of having fun :(