Me and my boyfriend have been together 3 years now. I understand that in relationships sex is usually quite frequent in the beginning and it dwindles over time. We live together and work at the same place (but not usually at the same time). He plays a lot of video games and I sometimes wonder if he'd rather play a game than have sex with me. I (like every other woman out there) assumed he was cheating but we're never away from each other. We share a cell phone and the only car we have is mine so I know where it is at ALL times. When I try to talk to him about it he says that he doesn't know what's wrong and that the fact that I try so often makes him not want to. I mean, he doesn't even want me to touch him even though I make it perfectly clear that I want nothing in return. I thing now that maybe he just isn't attracted to me anymore. He calls me beautiful often and says I'm the love of his life. That he wants to one day get married and have kids... but how can you imagine that kind of life with someone you only sleep with once a month? Lingerie doesn't work, walking around naked doesn't work, being sweet and seductive doesn't work. I don't know what to do. It seems like everything is going downhill. I need advice. I love this man and I think he loves me too. What could the problem be? Why is he never in the mood? We share a bank acount I know he's not spending money on anyone else... Is it just me?? :confused:

I'm seriously going out of my mind here. I'm even sleeping on the couch tonight because I know if I try to sleep next to him he'll just push me away and I'll be hurt... again.

How old is he? Does he have any health related issues that could lower his sex drive such as Diabetes, heart condition, stress, etc. Is he on any medications that could lower his libido? Have there been any new stresses added to the relationship or work?

It sounds like your lives are extremely intertwined. Do you go out with friends occasionally and/or have separate hobbies (besides games)? Giving yourselves some 'me' time might help make your together time better.

Stress can be a huge libido killer. It might not even be a big problem but a lot of little ones adding up.

You might try backing off and seeing if giving him some time and space might help him relax about about wanting sex especially if you have made it clear how much you are wanting him. He may be feeling pressure to perform, when he isn't feeling capable.

I think couple's counseling may be a 'safe' way to discuss how you both feel and get tools to learn how to communicate with each other about the problem. Frankly, if he is shutting down on this subject, I would be concerned about him shutting down on other important subjects, too.

From what you describe I'm leaning towards him being gay and not wanting to really tell you about this. I've noticed that more and more women are getting hooked up with gay men and not realizing it until it's too late! If he's a once a monther - I think you should find a normal, healthy man who likes sex a heck of a lot more than that. No real man is so touchy about having sex all the time - it's just those closet guys you have to be worried about. Get your own checking account and close the joint one. If it's your car, good. Let him get his own. Apparently he's made himself very comfortable "using" your conveniences such as a place to live, car, phone, bank account, etc. He's sure entrenched himself with you and happily so. He can and will leave you once he finds another guy who's got much more than you have to offer. Sorry if I sound a little crass or harsh, but it's better you hear it from someone who's been around the block a few times and recognizes the warning signs. The economy is tough now and he's found a little habitat where he can hibernate for a while without giving much back. Talk is cheap. Sure he tells you you are beautiful. Why wouldn't he? He's got it made after all and does not want to upset his perfect applecart right now. Marry you? Don't bet on it. Have kids? Not in this lifetime. He'd run away so fast if you got pregnant it would be like a cyclone! Find better. He's only going to get worse, trust me.

Haha... had to stop reading the last post after the 'leaning towards him being gay' remark. You don't know these people based on a short question posted on the internet. Ridiculous.

Anyhow, p3... we all have different libido's and that will fluctuate slightly over the course of our years. Your boyfriend may simply have a lower than average libido. That's it. Period. If you can live with that, great. If you can't and want to explain that away by speculating on a 'fictional' affair (sounds to me fictional anyhow), or the prospect of him being homosexual... then you should reconsider staying with your boyfriend. He will generally always have a lower than average libido for the rest of his (and your) life. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you, find you sexy or think you're beautiful.

It is true that life changes, stress, medical issues, alcohol/drug consumption/usage and things like playing games all the time can effect the libido. I really don't believe he is cheating and I really don't think he is gay. He sounds young and healthy, maybe the stress or the continuous "being" together can effect it. Cat is right, sometimes it is nice to have your own nights out or your own nights in (like when my hubby goes out once a week - I stay home with the kids and take a bath, paint my nails and/or read a book (while doing everything else :)). Some space is good.

You said he gamed a lot... "he would rather play games then have sex with me". I know that games can be addicting and very time consuming. From my experience with games there was one night my hubby and I played games after the kids went to bed. We started at 9:30 p.m. and what I thought was... okay just an hour; when I looked at the clock it was 1:00 a.m. Games can lower the sex drive (effects the mental aspect) and cause communication problems (ie. He plays games and you don't actually spend any time talking or doing anything together). Put it this way, anyone can play and anyone can get caught up in it... they itch to play it - like smoking cigarettes.
Video game addiction - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Video_game_addiction)
(Video Gaming Addiction Definition)

What are the Symptoms of Video Game Addiction?
Do you or someone you know have these Gaming Addiction Symptoms?

Recognizing that you are spending too much time playing video games is as much of a first step as recognizing any other addictive behavior. In fact, more than being a first step it is in fact a BIG step. That recognition means that you are aware there is a problem that needs to be resolved, and fortunately there are solutions to the issue of your gaming addiction.

While the subject of video game addiction is a relatively new one (video game addiction is being recognized as a problem by more clinics and doctors every year), there are already a number of ways in which you can face your gaming addiction and work towards getting out from under it.

Psychological Symptoms of Video Game Addiction
* Having a sense of well-being or euphoria while at the computer
* Inability to stop the activity
* Craving more and more time at the computer
* Neglect of family and friends
* Feeling empty, depressed, irritable when not at the computer
* Lying to employers and family about activities
* Problems with school or job

Physical Symptoms of Video Game Addiction
* Carpal tunnel syndrome Dry eyes
* Migraine headaches
* Back aches
* Eating irregularities, such as skipping meals
* Failure to attend to personal hygiene
* Sleep disturbances, change in sleep pattern

These are just some of the possible signs of a video game addiction. If you know someone who has these kinds of video game addiction symptoms and spends an abnormal amount of time at a computer playing video games, they may have an addiction.

Source: Video Game Addiction (http://www.videogameaddiction.net/video-game-addiction-symptoms.php)

I know in my relationship - sex is up and down... sometimes we go every day of the week then sometimes its once every two... it really depends on my hubby's stress at work and things around the kids... busy work and busy household. I just don't think too much into it; I try to do other things that make me happy... I try to understand and he shows me intimicy in other ways which I adore and appreciate.

You should sit down and talk to him; you will continue to be unhappy if you don't try once more but maybe do that little chat at a nice comfortable and relaxing restaurant and a dinner for two. He tells you he loves you, your beautiful and a dream of one day getting married... talk to him and let us know what's going on.

Oh for heaven's sake.

1. The ONLY way you can know if someone is gay is if they tell you or you find them in bed with someone of the same gender.

2. Video game addiction can happen, yes... but he's got a normal functioning life outside of the video game (like... a job, pays bills on time, attends social events, etc), then he's probably not an addict.

3. NO ONE likes to be nagged. If you're pushing the sex thing, he's likely pushing back by not being in the mood. I'm not in the mood either, when it feels like that's ALL my partner ever wants to do.

4. How often do the two of you do stuff OUTSIDE of the bedroom? Having fun together other places usually leads to more fun in the bedroom.

5. If you've had a serious talk with him--as in "honey, I know you care for me, but the lack of sex is a BIG problem for me because it's affecting my self esteem and confidence....can we talk about this?" and then HAVE a serious, non-blaming conversation about how sex is important in a relationship, and LACK of sex in a relationship is a symptom of something being wrong--well, if you've had THAT talk with him, and nothing has changed, then leave. It's not GOING to change if you're willing to continue on in HIS comfort zone.

Yanno, I have the same problem, though probably circumstantially different. I am with a guy I live with that I work with, and pretty much do everything with. He plays video games non-stop. We work together. We work for a video game company. Ha!

We used to have sex all the time. 2 years later, I'm lucky if I get it once a month. It's like you're talking about my life.

He's a defensive guy and doesn't like talking about things, and when we do, he usually doesn't tell me the whole truth because he thinks he's going to hurt me. Or maybe he wants to keep secrets, I'm not sure on that yet. I too know he's not cheating, because I'm always with him and know what he's doing. And it even then, has crossed my mind. Anyway.

Recently, after a huge fight that started because I couldn't sleep (way too much on my mind type of deal), he revealed to me a couple of great sources of his "unattraction" to me.

1.) He was tired of dealing with my illnesses. I have a couple of diseases that can interfere with my daily life and whether it was my fault or not, he was frustrated in having to "handle" those situations all the time. (Me passing out, always being sick, breaking bones, etc.)

2.) He just doesn't want to have actual sex constantly, and he thinks that's what I want all the time. Which isn't true. I'm constantly on him because I feel intimately deprived. I mean deprived of everything, not just intercourse. We don't make out, we don't hug or touch, we barely hold hands, we don't cuddle or anything. The only time I get to touch him intimately is when I'm giving him a massage (I'm certified, so he takes advantage). Or when he's not feeling good and wants a head or tummy rub for comfort. I really don't want sex all the time, but I'm missing those moments of intimacy that reassures me he loves me. He just thinks I'm after sex when I start kissing him, so he pushes me away.

3.) We are together alllllllll the freaking time. This one doesn't bother me as much as he. I get sick of being around him sometimes, but I guess he gets sick of me more often than I (probably because of number 1). Not only do we see each other at work, but we sit right next to each other, eat lunch together, get coffee together, when we're sick, we both get sick and take sick days together because we live together. We see his parents together, we take holidays together. It gets exhausting. Women get used to it I think.

4.) He doesn't see a future with me. He wants to have a family and kids someday. When we started dating, I didn't. I wanted nothing to do with it. That and I can't physically have kids (another illness). After seeing and being around his family (I never had a functional loving family), it changed my mind. I want that family and realized I was good with kids (his nephews and nieces adore me). I even spent money on a special gynecological exam to see if I was a candidate for a procedure to allow me to have kids (which I am, now). I did that for him.

As you can tell, I love this man. He tells me he loves me, but we have issues. As a female who is very sexually active, I can say that I completely feel your frustration and anxieties.

The only thing that has helped us in our situation so far, is for me to simply deal with it. By that, I mean not playing the victim because my boyfriend won't sexually satisfy me. But being understanding, and then proving to my boyfriend that I am willing to make compromises to help him help me, not just with sex, but life in general. I think a lot of people miss that part of long term relationships.

To deal with it, I have begun a regimen of things.

1.) I've picked up my old hobbies and activities. Just little things I used to tell my boyfriend about when we were getting to know each other. I used to sew, so I bought a sewing machine and started making things. The first thing I made, when I showed it to him, he smiled and playfully threw it at me (it was a dorky pillow shaped like a Mario Bros coin "?" block, totally nerdy), and then he kissed me on the forehead. I've also begun playing with my hair and makeup again. He walks by the bathroom and laughs and even gives me opinions on what he likes and hates. One time, he said I looked hot and licked all my lipgloss off and then kissed me. Small rewards, eh?

2.) I offer intimacy, I do not ask for it. I know how you feel, laying beside your boyfriend at night, completely depressed and sad that his back is turned to you. When he does that, I rub his back. Then I fall asleep. If he is suspicious and asks me the sarcastic "what do you want?" I say "nothing!" and stop (and he usually asks me to continue!). Or when he's playing computer games, I walk by with my sewing projects, and stop by to ask what he's doing, rub his head and give him a quick kiss on the forehead and go on my way. When I'm feeling frisky, I will try touching him. If he objects, I ask if he wants me to "relieve stress." He usually doesn't turn me down, but if he does, I stop, give him a kiss and a smile, and snuggle next to him and fall asleep. When he accepts, he even touches me and returns some of the favor in the process. A couple of weeks, eventually, he comes around and will pounce on me. And I can tell you that after a while of not having sex, but having those short rounds of pleasure and little kisses and touches, the sex is worth it. And it happens more often now!

3.) I have begun to take control of my own health. We went grocery shopping, and we bought good food for both of us. I love cooking, so part of my "away" time from him is cooking dinner for us. We're both out of shape, so I'm trying to make sure we both eat healthy, and when I get over this flu, we're going back to the gym. When I am having issues, I get my own medicine. I will crawl up my stairs if I can't walk up normally on my own. I get cold washcloths for my own fever, and take my own temperature. I can tell he appreciates it. Because now he actually checks up on me, instead of picking me up off the floor, dumping me in my bed, and going back to his video games. I currently have swine flu, and was taking a hot shower a couple of nights ago to relieve congestion. I think he heard me coughing, because he came in, helped me rinse off, rinsed my hair, helped me out of the tub, dried me, and then walked me to my bed and combed my hair out. After, he spent a few minutes kissing my belly and neck, and asked me if I felt better. It made me cry, because it's been over a year since he's been so considerate.

4.) I can't really help the fact that my internal female organs are broken, but I have expressed that I would do anything for him. I hope he understands that now; at least heard me say it out loud. Either way, after a couple of months of doing these things, I think he understands that I'm serious about being with him not just because I need a roommate. But because I love him. So now I tell him that a lot. Even when it feels corny and dumb. I text it, I say it, I whisper it. We can be putting gas in the car and I will kiss his ear and say it as I pass by with the squeegee to clean the windshield.

Sorry for this long story, but I think you need to hear something from someone who knows what you're feeling. For someone who feels the way you do this may be harsh, but it might just be that he finds comfort in his video games because he wasn't finding it in you. Maybe you feel and think you're doing all the things you're supposed to do as the girlfriend, but the reality is that every man is different. Each guy is going to want different things from his woman AFTER he gets over the chase. Maybe some guys want the constant sex. Some guys don't.

Either way it's not going to be the same as it was when you first met. You're in a whole different part of the relationship now, and you can't be that poor girl that never gets sex from her guy. You have to be understanding and figure out what your guy needs and wants. Talk to him. And then start doing stuff instead of crying on the couch. Find your own intimate comforts. Take pleasure in doing new intimate things with your boyfriend, instead of the same old lingerie/makeout routine.

The whole truth of this is: If you are not willing to compromise, then you're not ready for a long term relationship. So don't fall into that group of silly women who continue to do the same thing and hope there will be different results.

Now, if you're trying new things and he's still being a lump on a log... I think it's time to re-evaluate whether HE is ready to be in a long term relationship. There's no giving and not receiving. Do not accept that.

I hope that helps!

:)

[QUOTE=Synnen;2097248]Oh for heaven's sake.

Well, that about summed it up for me Synnen, haha. So many assumptions going on here. You say it like it is. Nice work.

Mistique said: "You should sit down and talk to him; you will continue to be unhappy if you don't try once more but maybe do that little chat at a nice comfortable and relaxing restaurant and a dinner for two.


I would definitely NOT go out to dinner at a restaurant and discuss this particular topic so everyone in the restaurant can eavesdrop on your conversation. A nice dinner at home might be wiser.

I agree with twinkiedooter.

Does he still find you attractive? Have you let yourself go a little since you started to date, has he?

Stress could be it too.

Mistique said: "You should sit down and talk to him; you will continue to be unhappy if you don't try once more but maybe do that little chat at a nice comfortable and relaxing restaurant and a dinner for two.


I would definitely NOT go out to dinner at a restaurant and discuss this particular topic so everyone in the restaurant can eavesdrop on your conversation. A nice dinner at home might be wiser.

Your right, the point is to sit town and talk relaxed. It makes sense not to spill your dirty laundry in front of people. The restaurants my husband and I go to have private booths and you don't hear anything from anyone... unless someone gets angry and starts screaming. The possibility of making yourself a public spectacle is not wise either... I was thinking more along the lines of getting OUT together and spending time together... maybe discuss it after your relaxed and at home; I shouldn't have said talking about it in the restaurant... sorry.