Hi I am Sonia,

I am working in one of the private company from last 4 years and I am in love with a boy, we are in love last 3 years, although we are both hindus but we belong to different caste, my boyfriend family has agreed for our marriage but my parents are not at all ready to accept us. We tried to convince them a lot, but now we have got registered marriage last 6 months back.

Our problem is that my boyfriend family wants to celebrate their sons marriage, but my mother and family members have told me that you have registered marriage to him then you can go and stay away with him, and break all the realtionships with us, my mother said to me that she will never come to your door step.

But I am having the confident that sooner or later I will make my mom agree.

I have two elder sisters and they have got married to good family, even my boyfriend has good family, but only is the cast problem. I have one younger sister and one elder brother, my younger sister has supported me a lot and after my borther knowing that I got registered marriage and nothing can be done now he also understood me.

My mother says that they will loos their name and respect in the society and no one will accept me in their community. My only problem is that the mother is not at all agreeing and my boyfriends family want to celebrate it and that my mother should accept it and do our marriage for which we can't even take any decision further. Only thing is I want to make my mother convinced.

Kindly suggest me some solution.

Wow... I thought only the Older Indian people are against InterCast Marriages.

An American Advise: Move on with your life and when your mom is ready... she will connect with you. You can't change a lifetime of Cast conditioning. Maybe someday she will accept it when India eventually get over the Cast system.

Good Luck.

I have to say that I really admire you for marrying the man of your dreams, and delighted that his family are so supportive. That must have been a very difficult decision for you to make, especially considering that in doing so, you risk your family abandoning you.

I agree with you, that when your mother is ready, she will come around. She will not be able to resist the fact that you are happy, and he has a supportive family. When children come along, she will also not be able to resist participating in that event.

Stay strong. She knows you love her.

Good for you, I wish you all the best!

At some point people in all societies have to do things that will break down old restrictive institutions (like the caste system) and fight again commonly held prejudices.

This is what you're doing, and it's really hard because your family is against you.

Marry the man that you love - you have the support of his family and your siblings. Your mother will come round eventually. The times are changing and many cultures are having to accept that the old mores don't apply.

Sometimes the thought of the shame is much greater than the reality. In the end, it's the love and connection that we have for each other that is most important.

Good luck, I wish you well.

Threads merged

Hi, I have read some of the answers sent to me.

Today my boyfriends family members are planning to come from Bombay and get us married in a traditional way by Sunday. I am afriad because my mother has gone to Bangalore to stay with my sister and my father is alone at home and at present I am looking after him, if I take suddenly this decision to go out from home and live with him, will it be right towards my family, my father.

This thought came in my mind because my mother is not at all ready to support me and marry me in good manner.

My monther also asked me that if you get married to him, you will have children's later on then whose culture are you going to follow up.

Kindly suggest me some solution.

This should be merged with your previous thread. For future reference, to reply in an existing thread use the "answer this question" button.

Hi, i have read some of the answers sent to me.

Today my boyfriends family members are planning to come from Bombay and get us married in a traditional way by sunday. I am afriad because my mother has gone to Bangalore to stay with my sister and my father is alone at home and at present i am looking after him, if i take suddenly this decision to go out from home and live with him, will it be right towards my family, my father.

This thought came in my mind because my mother is not at all ready to support me and marry me in good manner.

my monther also asked me that if you get married to him, you will have childrens later on then whose culture are you going to follow up.

Kindly suggest me some solution.

You have mentioned how other people in your family feel about the marriage especially your mother, but how does your father feel about it? Is he willing to give you his support?

In today's society, Does the Cast system affect the type of jobs he can get?

What country do you live in now or Will live in?


Many of the India people I know in Texas, say it really doesn't matter in America.
But back in India with the older folks, there are some of the same old thinkings.

Hey, your country is moving into the future everyday.
Time and progress is on your side.

Hi,

I have received some answers to my questions, I need one more suggestion from you, my sister yesterday informed me that my mother is planning to cancel my registered marriage and not ready to acept us in any condition, so I have planned to go from my home by next week, because my boyfreinds sister is coming to get us married because there is no other solution left, will it be fine going from home within mothers presences.

Kindly suggest some solution please. I am totally confused.

Roopali, I am also getting confused.

You are already married, right? You are moving from your mothers home, to your husbands home.

Why is that a problem, and how can your mother 'cancel' the marriage?

If you are already registered marriage for 6 months, is it even possible for your mom to cancel the marriage? I don't know the India or hindus law. You should just check with where you've registered, but don't tell them about your caste situation. Just tell them that you've heard it from the people in the street. In this way, your caste problem will not be found out. I've already seen on National Geographic Society documentary about India that's why I am a little more informed. Good luck.

Ya I have already registered my marriage, but my only problem is that my father is alone at home and my mother is away in Bangalore, is it fine to live my dad and go away from home within my mothers presences.


Suggest some solution, please.

I am now confused. I am not too familiar with marriage in India. Your mother already told you to go live with your husband. Wheather your mom be present at the same time as your father isn't an issue anymore. Tell your father that you love him and hope that mom would understand. Hope this helped.

I am trying to say that, as far my dad is concerned he is damm against my marriage with him. He is afraid only about the respect he will loss in our community.

My mom is trying not to accept us but my younger sister is saying not to take any step without mom presence, it will again hurt mom badly, so I am totally confused whether to wait or not.

My boyfreinds family members are coming especially to get us married in traditional way, but they even say that you can't go to your mothers place after marriage because she has not understood you and us. I can't even stop them.

What decision to take please suggest me.

You must choose between love and family. So far you've been following your heart, are you ready to give up your love because your family is against your marriage? You did suggest that your mom might come around later. May I suggest that if you get married don't contact them for a very long time and move far away, if you can. I've seen where murder even occurred because the parent didn't agree with marriage. If you can't handle even the thought of this then the only solution is to give up on your love.

I can't live my love and I want my mother also to understand me and be with me. But sheis not at all, only she has the fear of respect that she will loss.

I want to take final decision and go away from my home, but I even want my mom.

I have got legally married to him and can't even think to depart from him.

Only thing is hurting me is should I take decision without mom's presences or should I wait till she comes. But it will take much time and I am not able to take any harss words or hatered from anyone. What will I do shall I go away from home.

Suggestion some solutions please I am totally lost.

You will have to live with the hurt of your mother's displeasure until she realizes that she still loves you.

Marry while she's gone. Move out. Love your husband and build a new family with him and his. This will hurt her. She will say things to hurt you. Let her. Her anger will fade over time and you will become her daughter again.

It is sad that this hurt must come, but it must come. Let it flow by and things will improve. It may take time.

I liked the answer given by pest control.

I am again little bit confused, this week my boyfriends sister is coming and we are proposing to get married in temple by Friday. My mother will be coming by next Monday and my father is alone, shall I take my final step.

Kindly suggest,

Hi roopali,

I would like to clarify one thing,
What about the dowry? Is your father paying it?

.

My answer to FRIMBIELVER question, My father isnot giving dowry to my boyfriends family

Sonia,
Why does your father need looking after?

Here's some information I found on the net. This might be bad.

Essential Ceremonies
A Hindu marriage can take place according to the customary rites and ceremonies.

The ceremony of saptapadi and kanyadana are important ceremonies prevalent among vast majority of Hindus and the ceremony of saptapadi before the sacred fire has been held essential for a valid Hindu Marriage.

Registration
The marriages solemnized, may be registered under the Special Marriage Act with office of the registrar, in the Hindu Marriage Register.
Registration is not compulsory and in no way effects the validity of the marriage. It is entirely up to the parties to have the marriage registered.

No marriage can be registered unless the following conditions are fulfilled :

* A ceremony of marriage has been performed between the parties and they have been living together as husband and wife.
* Neither party has at the time of registration more than one spouse living.
* Neither party is an idiot or lunatic at the time of registration.
* The parties have completed the age of twenty one years at the time of registration
* The parties are not within the degrees of prohibited relationship
* The parties have been residing within the district of the Marriage Officer for a period of not less than thirty days immediately preceding the date on which the application is made to him for registration.
* On receiving the application signed by both the parties the Marriage Officer shall give public notice and after allowing 30 days for objections and on being satisfied that all the conditions are fulfilled he shall enter a certificate in the marriage certificate book, which shall be signed by the parties and three witnesses.

I hope your mom has not objected then.

Check this out,
Indian Marriage Acts, Marriage Laws In India, Marriage Acts In India,, (http://www.surfindia.com/matrimonials/marriage-acts.html)
The Special Marriage Act-1954 (http://www.legalserviceindia.com/helpline/marriage.htm)

Recently I read an article in TOI about couples eloping to get married. There has been some change in the law that there cannot be a case on couples who elope, given they are 18 for girls and 21 for boys. Give it a check. Also, why don't you post the issue under Law in AMHD.. might get some more information.

Its very bas to say that my father as not done any bank balance for us to get married.

We have to earn and get settled in our life. No one is bothere about our life.

I only need solution that can I go and stay away get mariied with my boyfriend and live with him. Kindly suggest

Sonia, Didn't you read my post? You want to know whether you can go and live with your husband. First, know if your marriage is valid or void, whether your mother can create problems, if it is void.

Essential Ceremonies
A Hindu marriage can take place according to the customary rites and ceremonies.

The ceremony of saptapadi and kanyadana are important ceremonies prevalent among vast majority of Hindus and the ceremony of saptapadi before the sacred fire has been held essential for a valid Hindu Marriage.

Registration
The marriages solemnized, may be registered under the Special Marriage Act with office of the registrar, in the Hindu Marriage Register.
Registration is not compulsory and in no way effects the validity of the marriage. It is entirely up to the parties to have the marriage registered.

No marriage can be registered unless the following conditions are fulfilled :

* A ceremony of marriage has been performed between the parties and they have been living together as husband and wife.
* The parties have completed the age of twenty one years at the time of registration
* The parties have been residing within the district of the Marriage Officer for a period of not less than thirty days immediately preceding the date on which the application is made to him for registration.
* On receiving the application signed by both the parties the Marriage Officer shall give public notice and after allowing 30 days for objections and on being satisfied that all the conditions are fulfilled he shall enter a certificate in the marriage certificate book, which shall be signed by the parties and three witnesses.

I hope your mom has not objected then.

Check this out,
Indian Marriage Acts, Marriage Laws In India, Marriage Acts In India,, (http://www.surfindia.com/matrimonials/marriage-acts.html)
The Special Marriage Act-1954 (http://www.legalserviceindia.com/helpline/marriage.htm)

Recently I read an article in TOI about couples eloping to get married. There has been some change in the law that there cannot be a case on couples who elope, given they are 18 for girls and 21 for boys. Give it a check. Also, why don't you post the issue under Law in AMHD.. might get some more information

You have your husband's family support, your sibling's and father's support. Not financially but emotionally. If your marriage is valid, don't wait for your mother's consent. Go ahead. Live your life. You have every right to live as you like.

As for your mother asking what customs and traditions your child will adopt, why not both? Inter-caste marriages are getting very common now. In fact, inter-religion marriages are common too.

why is your mother so against inter-caste marriage? if she is so into religion and caste, I hope she knows that 90% of everything that people follow as religion and caste has changed now. What she thinks is right might be something just created for their own convenience. Let me give you an example.
In many parts of India, girls who have got their menses are not allowed to touch anything or anyone. They are made to live those 3-5 days away from everyone. They are considered to be untouchables until they take the head bath. You know the reason behind it? Women, many years or maybe centuries ago, did more of physical work unlike now. Their body could not take all that exercise during menses and hence rested those 5 days. As precautionary measures, they were not allowed to do any work. They slept separately since they were bleeding a lot and there were no sanitary pads then. Hence, no bed while they slept. The fact is that people followed it for years and it became a tradition. Many such traditions were made by us for our convenience and people blindly follow it.

Initially your mom might not support you, but later on she will come to her senses. Unfortunately if she doesn't, don't let go. Keep in constant touch with her. Don't let go of your siblings and father just because your mother is against you.

Hi thanks for all you of for giving me suugestions and solutions.

I have finally decided to get married on Friday and live my home, I just need to ask you that whether I am doing the right thing, without informning my parents at all what I am doing, my dad and mother are totally opposed to my marriage and my brother and younger sister is supporting me. I am only tensed that my father is at home alone and he might get tensed hearing my marriage without knowing to him. But I have no options left.

Only for the last time I need some suggestion from you, kindly advise me, as I am very tensed to go ahead without knowledge to my parents.

Please suggest.:confused:

Leave him a note so he will know that you're okay. Something along the lines of "Don't worry, I'll be fine, I didn't want to fight and anger you more." will express your love and determination at the same time.

Thanks for all your suggestions and advises,

My father doesn't notice anything, he gets angry very soon and he has no patiences to think at all. He directly shouts out, I only want him to be good at health and nothing else I need, my mother will be fine because my sister is there to look after her and she will not come so early at home.

I am only feeling guilty that what I am going to do is right or wrong.

I am leaving my house without parents permission. I am not going out from the house with the intention to loose my family forever, I want to come back and ask to forgive them and be toggther once again, will it be possible to get back to my mother after me leaving the house, I am worried about that. I only want my mother to understand me and get back to me.

I will be able to get my mother love and her understand back, I want an solution for this, please

It will take some time. However, if she loves you as much as I think she does, when she understands that you are happy in your marriage, I think she will calm down and accept it. Especially after the first child is born (don't let that thought rush you into having children).

Please don't allow the way you are leaving home to affect your marriage. It isn't easy being newly married when both families get along. There will be disagreements-it is normal. Just try to stay calm and work through your problems as a couple. Be prepared for feeling down and upset after leaving home and give yourself ways to take your mind off the hurt caused by your parents not understanding.

It sounds like your husband's family is welcoming you as one of their own. Allow yourself to learn their family traditions and become a part of their family (as it would be even if your mother did approve).

I wish you many happy years with your husband and the family that you will be creating together.

I was never suggesting you abandon your family completely. If you know they'll be pretty upset if they found out that you got married even after their objection, then you need to give your parents some time to calm down. Later, when you think they are not angry at you go talk to them and tell them that it was never in your intention to hurt them, but you had to follow your heart.

Do you know anyone whom your parents will respect and also supports your relationship? i.e.. Grandparents, Priest, Your Uncle & Aunt. Have the Respected One talk to your parents.

Hi,

My mother is coming back today, I am very tensed and afriad that what will be my mother reaction. I am taking my final decision of getting married on Friday without my mothers kwoledge. I had told my sister and some of the my friends that I will get married on Friday, they might have told my mother.

I only want to ask that what should I speak when mother tells me anything, should I react or keep quite. Suggest please

Hi,

My mother is coming back today, i am very tensed and afriad that what will be my mother reaction. I am taking my final decision of getting married on friday without my mothers kwoledge. I had told my sister and some of the my friends that i will get married on friday, they might have told my mother.

I only want to ask that what should i speak when mother tells me anything, should i react or keep quite. suggest please


Go ask your Uncle, Aunt, and Grandparents.

Since you have decided to go ahead with the marriage, Don't react to whatever your mother says. Don't answer back to her. It will lead to a wider gap. It doesn't mean you keep quite. Speak but only if necessary. Its OK to tell your mom that you love him and you are getting married, talk about it but don't blame your mother for anything.

If my mother says me to out out from the house immediate shall I live my home and go. My boyfriend even suggested me that if they say you anything you just come away from your home.

If they don't agree at all even if I try to convince them for the last time, shall I live my home and go. I am very much tensed and can't find any solution. Please help me out.

Sweety, when u have decided to get married to him, no matter what, then what's the use asking whether you have to leave hime if your mom asks you to? If you have to marry him against your parents, you HAVE to leave home. You have no other option.

Also, I am confused. You mentioned that you and your guy got registered 6 months back. If so, why do you call him your boyfriend?

Ok
Thanks for the suggestions, but still I am afriad and tensed for the dicision I have taken, I am thinking that if my mother agrees with heavy heart and tells me to wait till next month, shall I wait.

My Husband is not ready to wait he is telling to say mom that I can't wait anymore. What shall I do.

Shall I do whatever decision I have taken please suggest.

You are 18+ right? You have all the right to make your own decisions. Your parents do not have any right on you. It is just that being an Indian, it comes in our blood to respect our family and our elders and hence we think sooooooooooooooo many times before taking any action. I can understand how you are feeling. It is very hard to go against your parents as of now. But do you have any other option? What's the use waiting another month? Will that change anything?Now, or a month from Now, you are married already and you can't change it. Your parents have to accept it.

[QUOTE=Silver Lining;2090519]you are 18+ right? You have all the right to make your own decisions. Your parents do not have any right on you. It is just that being an Indian, it comes in our blood to respect our family and our elders and hence we think sooooooooooooooo many times before taking any action. I can understand how you are feeling. It is very hard to go against your parents as of now. But do you have any other option? What's the use waiting another month? Will that change anything?Now, or a month from Now, you are married already and you can't change it. Your parents have to accept it.[QUOTE]

I got married last 15 days back and know they have put me condition that I have to forget my parents and my relatives anf break all relation with my parents and if I go and meet my parents they will put me out from my house even my husband told me this. My family members are trying to take me out from that by giving me divorce from him.

My family members say that without our permission you got married and now you did not bring the dowry and they are not allowing me to be in contact with family members and not to go anywhere out. You are working and whole life they will make you to work, this all my family members are saying and telling my mom and dad to bring from my husband family as soon as possible. Because further anything wrong should not happened.

My husband is saying me that either I should forget my family or I should forget him.

With 8 days of my maariage I am not happy in my husbands house. What decision my family members have took shall I go with that. Please advise

None of us can help you.

You are going to do want you want to do anyway.
You just need to think things out carefully.

1st tell me whom are you referring when you say family members? The way you have written is totally confusing. Refer to your mom and dad as parents and your husband's family as in-laws and then re-write. Kindly use comma (,) and full stop (.)...

Far as I understand, you are married, your husband has asked you to leave your parents and not have any contact with them.

Now, is it your parents who are asking you to get a divorce? If so, they cannot force you into a divorce. They have no right.

what do you mean by... My family members say that without our permission you got married and now you did not bring the dowry and they are not allowing me to be in contact with family members and not to go anywhere out...

I am guessing your in-laws are not treating you properly since you didn't get any dowry. They are threatening to make you work at home and not let you go out and contact your parents. That is the reason your parents are trying to get you a divorce. Am I Right?

Isn't yours a love marriage? Didn't you know how your husband and his family were before you married him?

Do you think you can be happy with your husband?

If my guess is right and your in-laws are treating you badly for not getting dowry, DIVORCE IMMEDIATELY. People who take dowry are never satisfied, no matter how much you give. They always want more. Marriage is not a business. If they insist on dowry, they will treat you bad your whole life. Haven't they started already? Saying you will work your whole life and that you have to leave your parents or your husband.

1st tell me whom are u referring when u say family members? the way you have written is totally confusing. refer to your mom and dad as parents and your husband's family as in-laws and then re-write. kindly use comma (,) and full stop (.)...

far as i understand, you are married, your husband has asked you to leave ur parents and not have any contact with them.

now, is it your parents who are asking you to get a divorce? if so, they cannot force you into a divorce. they have no right.

what do you mean by ..... My family members say that without our permission you got married and now you did not bring the dowry and they are not allowing me to be in contact with family members and not to go anywhere out...

I am guessing your in-laws are not treating you properly since you didnt get any dowry. they are threatening to make you work at home and not let you go out and contact your parents. that is the reason your parents are trying to get you a divorce. Am I Right?

isn't yours a love marriage? didn't you know how your husband and his family were before you married him?

do you think you can be happy with your husband?

If my guess is right and your in-laws are treating you badly for not getting dowry, DIVORCE IMMEDIATELY. People who take dowry are never satisfied, no matter how much you give. they always want more. marriage is not a business. if they insist on dowry, they will treat you bad your whole life. havent they started already? saying you will work your whole life and that you have to leave your parents or your husband.


My in laws where very good before and even my husband, but I made a mistake and did not understand them. My in laws are still not asking me anything about dowry but my parents are saying that they will ask you in future and that when you have a child all the responsibility of looking after it will come on me because I am working. My husband even said me not to work but my in laws will not allow me to do that.

I am trapped in a very bad manner. My only worry is that shall I take my decision so soon of divorce from my husband wihtin 15 days of marriage or shall I test him.
My mom says no need to test him again. Please suggest

What a screwed up situation. Honestly you have too many people in your business, and it should be between husband, and wife ,to get through this mess, and tradition be damned.

You have already chosen to go against what your family has said, and now must make a decision to go against what HIS family is saying, and work this out between you and him, to know what you want.

I do not underside why you have to go against your family, to be with him, but he cannot go against his family, to be with you.

That's not fair, or honest so you better talk to your husband and get on the same understanding, and resolve this in a way that works for you both, or this whole thing is completely pointless.

Move to America and be happy without either of your families sticking their nose in your business.

I know little of your culture, or laws, or traditions, but I do know a mess when I see it.

I have to agree with you. When you consider the dowry, that is something that is planned and prepared for when the baby is born. These marriages are contracts. Everything is controlled by the parents, and other family members. Introductions, supervised meetings. The parties on both sides have to have their needs met with each other, to ensure the success of their decision to allow their children to be married. Caste, dowry, living arrangements, etc. etc. Love has nothing to do with it.

Interestingly enough, I've read (somewhere, I don't have a link), that the divorce rate in India is very quickly catching up to the West. With the worldliness of adult children through education, the net, travelling etc. the awareness of less traditional marriages must weigh heavily in light of what they know they can have. Which is likely something that their parents never had even a generation ago.

So, while I too see a mess here, there is one foot in traditional pressures, and one foot in modern thinking. Making this kind of choice, will have repercussions no matter what she does.

What a mess.

Another reason not to go into organized religion, or is it disorganized religion?

You made your bed, now lay in it. If you're adult enough to get married then you're adult enough to figure things out.

We can't help you with this mess because it's beyond our understanding.

I can only wish you luck, and I'm sure you'll need it.

To Taliniman, whether he's worth it or not, will probably boil down to the fact that he will not cross his parents. I would say definitely not worth the trouble.

I do feel sorry for our OP. The pressure must be enormous.

My in laws where very good before and even my husband, but i made a mistake and did not understand them. My in laws are still not asking me anything about dowry but my parents are saying that they will ask you in future and that when you have a child all the responsibility of looking after it will come on me because i am working. My husband even said me not to work but my in laws will not allow me to do that.

I am trapped in a very bad manner. my only worry is that shall i take my decision so soon of divorce from my husband wihtin 15 days of marriage or shall i test him.
My mom says no need to test him again. please suggest


Sonia,

One thing I noticed in this thread is that your parents might be trying to manipulate you. They were against this marriage and now your parents are saying your in-laws might ask dowry. Whereas you say your in-laws didn't ask you so far. Your parents are just predicting it and its not necessary that it will come true.

Why are you not happy with your marriage? Why do you need to get a divorce if your in-laws are good and they are not asking for a dowry?
You said you made a mistake. What is it?

There is something else you are not mentioning. No one can suggest anything unless you give the facts right. If you do not wish to disclose anything, then you have to decide on your own.

I have to agree with you. When you consider the dowry, that is something that is planned and prepared for when the baby is born. These marriages are contracts. Everything is controlled by the parents, and other family members. Introductions, supervised meetings. The parties on both sides have to have their needs met with eachother, to ensure the success of their decision to allow their children to be married. Caste, dowry, living arrangements, etc. etc. Love has nothing to do with it.

Interestingly enough, I've read (somewhere, I don't have a link), that the divorce rate in India is very quickly catching up to the West. With the worldliness of adult children through education, the net, travelling etc., the awareness of less traditional marriages must weigh heavily in light of what they know they can have. Which is likely something that their parents never had even a generation ago.

So, while I too see a mess here, there is one foot in traditional pressures, and one foot in modern thinking. Making this kind of choice, will have repercussions no matter what she does.


Hi Jake,

Well, to start with, dowry has noting to do with the baby. In India, the pregnant girl is sent to her parent's house after 7months of pregnancy and she comes back to her husband only after the baby is born and is about 3-5 months minimum. Parents take care of the delivery for the 1st baby.

Dowry started as a part of arranged marriage many many years back. Then, it was nothing but gifts and cash that the bride's parents gave to HER at the time of marriage so that her needs can be fulfilled in her new home. People continued it as a tradition until now (thought it has been banned). The problem grew recently, about a 100-150 years back. The groom's family started demanding more from the bride's father, and if not satisfied, the bride was treated badly, sometimes even killed(hence banned).

Divorce rate in India is increasing rapidly. Its not the same as it was a decade back. But it has nothing to do with arranged marriage or love marriage. Thought parents arrange the marriage, like you mentioned, "Contract", divorces take place. It is mainly because Indian Women have started to LIVE THEIR LIFE..
before, we women had to listen to what our parents said, then husband/in-laws ruled our lives. Our life revolved around family. No matter how badly we were treated, we had to suffer, take it in and live with it our whole life. If a woman got divorced, she was looked down in the society and she lost her respect.
But Now, women are coming out of the darkness and fighting for our rights. (thought almost 75% still are suffering). We want a happy life and we fight for it.

As for Sonis/Roopali, frankly, its totally messed up. Love marriage, went against her parents, now she says she is suffering and wants divorce. I am confused. She says her in-laws are nice, her parents predict dowry harassment, she is suffering but no reason mentioned. Before that she mentioned her in-laws not treating her properly, she is not happy with the marriage. :confused:

What I meant by the baby was when a female is born into a traditional Indian family, her life is pretty much set, and a marriage contract will eventually take place, and a dowry will be a part of that.

The Op has stated that although her in-laws have not asked for a dowry, they most likely will at some point.

As you said, progress has been made. India is after all, the largest democracy in the world, but, also as you said, 75 % are still suffering, and these marriages still take place, and put a tremendous amount of pressure on the woman to comply.

There is a lot of work to be done before most can make their own decisions, based on love, without the influence or direction of their families.

There is a very long way to go.

http://www.pardesiservices.com/tradition/arrangedmarg.asp

To Talaniman, whether he's worth it or not, will probably boil down to the fact that he will not cross his parents. I would say definitely not worth the trouble.

I fully agree. His actions will make or break this "marriage".

Threads merged

Let me tell you everything in detail.

My husbands parents wanted to celeberate the marriage in a grand manner but they did not get a chance to do so because my parents did not agree and for that reason my in laws are angry on my family members and are not ready to send me to my parents house. My in laws say that why they did not agree for my marriage and now why I have to go to my parents house to stay with them. So they are forcing me to break all the relations with my parents and not to meet them at all.

My husband said that he will take me to my parents to meet them every 15 days and because my in laws are little bit angry everything will not be good very soon it will take time my husband made me understand that. He said that if I be good with my in laws they themselves will tell me to go and meet my parents. But the thing is I should have patience's.

I am also confused to take any step because still my in laws did not treat me bad only thing is they are telling me to break my parents relations. They still did not even ask me my salary, They are not behaving badly with me. My husband also said that he will keep me happy but I have to wait for sometime for the time to come.

My parents were against this marriage so they are interested in getting me back, my husband loves me a lot and never thought that I will be planning to take divorce from him, I think that if I go away from him he might do something to his life. He is afraid that I am listening to my parents and I will take some wrong decision against him.

My parents say that he is not so financial strong then in future is you have a child will he be able to take the responsibility, if he can't then I have to work, my parents say that will I work whole life for my husbands family and they will tell me to work because I did not bring dowry. Even my mother in laws says to try for some other job which is permanent. But I can't take in a wrong way. My husband said me not to work he will look after me, but I am afraid if he can't handle then I will loose my job. I want to go to other place and work for some good company but my husband is not ready to send me out.

Only thing is I hurried and got married and now again I am making hurry to end my relationship. Am I doing right thing listening to my parents or should I do as my heart says. My parents say that don't think only about present, to think about future to be happy, and if I have a child I will be in much more problem. And my parents will not come to help me.

My parents say that I went against their words and got married but even they want me to be happy in future so they are telling me. I some times think that my parents will not spoil my life they might have thought that I will be much happy in future without my husband. I am totally confused and my life is messed up. I have to think from all the sides it is becoming very difficult for me.

My Husband also said that if I am pregnant he will not send me to my parents house. If I now say me to take me to my parents house he goes and fights with me along with my family members. Now please suggest me some solution.

What do you feel about your husband? Do you love him? It is much much harder to have a happy marriage if you don't love the person you marry. It sounds like you have some strong cultural beliefs about marriage but I still think love is improtant. Yous should make the dicision you stay with soemone or marry them because you love them, not because you think that they have good finances,/rich are powerful etc This will never make you happy.If you follow love (your heart) it is much easier to be happy.Although things like money/careers etc are also important they are much less so.

Threads merged

Let me tell you everything in detail.

I am also confused to take any step because still my in laws did not treat me bad only thing is they are telling me to break my parents relations.

My parents were against this marriage so they are interested in getting me back, my husband loves me a lot and never thought that i will be planning to take divorce from him, i think that if i go away from him he might do something to his life. He is afraid that i am listening to my parents and i will take some wrong decision against him.

My parents say that he is not so financial strong then in future is you have a child will he be able to take the responsibility, if he can't then i have to work, my parents say that will i work whole life for my husbands family and they will tell me to work because i did not bring dowry. Even my mother in laws says to try for some other job which is permanent. But i can't take in a wrong way. My husband said me not to work he will look after me, but i am afraid if he can't handle then i will loose my job. I want to go to other place and work for some good company but my husband is not ready to send me out.

Only thing is i hurried and got married and now again i am making hurry to end my relationship. am I doing right thing listening to my parents or should i do as my heart says. My parents say that don't think only about present, to think about future to be happy, and if I have a child I will be in much more problem. And my parents will not come to help me.

My parents say that I went against their words and got married but even they want me to be happy in future so they are telling me. I some times think that my parents will not spoil my life they might have thought that I will be much happy in future without my husband. I am totally confused and my life is messed up. I have to think from all the sides it is becoming very difficult for me.

My Husband also said that if I am pregnant he will not send me to my parents house. If I now say me to take me to my parents house he goes and fights with me along with my family members. Now please suggest me some solution.

Detailed indeed but not to the point. Why are you NOT HAPPY.. you mentioned that after 8 days of marriage, you are not happy with your life and so you want divorce.

Let me quote you again "My parents were against this marriage so they are interested in getting me back"
Your parents were against this marriage since the beginning, right? They didn't want you to be married to this guy. You didn't listen to them and went ahead with the marriage. In fact, you mentioned you guys registered 6 months back and your in-laws were asking for a ceremony and you were confused if you have to go ahead or not.

He is afraid that i am listening to my parents and i will take some wrong decision against him. he is right. Until marriage, you were listening to your mind and got married to him against your parents wish. Now suddenly you write on this thread saying you want a divorce because your parents are against it and they feel you won't be happy in the future. why didnt you think of this before?

he is not so financial strong then in future is you have a child will he be able to take the responsibility, if he can't then i have to work, my parents say that will i work whole life for my husbands family and they will tell me to work because i did not bring dowry.
Just ask your mom whether she looked after her parents and siblings after marriage or her husband, in-laws etc. where was she staying after marriage? With her parents? Whom did she cook for? Whose house she looked after? If her answer is hubby/in-laws, didn't she WORK FOR THEM.. you're an Indian, you very well know that once you are married, you belong to the other family and not your parents. It is not wrong to be working for them. They too are parents to you. That's why we call them MOTHER / FATHER - in law.
As for working after you get pregnant, its nothing to worry about,, many people work right until the day they deliver. In fact my mom worked, came home, cooked for 8, cleaned, washed dishes, milked the cow, cleaned the barn and delivered my brother a few hours after that. Same thing happened when she delivered me.
Now you get sufficient maternity leave and since you have your in-laws, you can continue working a few months after delivery. They will surely look after the baby.

i hurried and got married and now again i am making hurry to end my relationship.am I doing right thing listening to my parents or should i do as my heart says.
NO, you are not doing the right thing. If you are so into listening to your parents, you should have listened to them before the marriage and NOT now. You followed your heart and got married, why listen to your parents now? You indeed are hurrying. You hurried into the relation and not to get out...

I some times think that my parents will not spoil my life they might have thought that I will be much happy in future without my husband. why didn't you think of this before? You know how hard it is for a woman to be married again once she is divorced? This is India Sonia and a woman's life is not easy, specially once she gets divorced. One wrong comment about you and you will live a single life your whole life.
How can you be sure that you will be happy if you get a divorce? Yours is a love marriage right? You went against your parents to get married to this guy. Why a sudden change of mind? You said
-in-laws treat you properly
-husband loves you
Then why listen to your parents?? You should have thought about the "my parents will not spoil my life" aspect before you got married.

Detailed indeed but not to the point. Why are you NOT HAPPY...? you mentioned that after 8 days of marriage, you are not happy with your life and so you want divorce.

let me quote you again "My parents were against this marriage so they are interested in getting me back"
your parents were against this marriage since the beginning, right? they didn't want you to be married to this guy. you didn't listen to them and went ahead with the marriage. in fact, you mentioned you guys registered 6 months back and your in-laws were asking for a ceremony and you were confused if you have to go ahead or not.

He is afraid that i am listening to my parents and i will take some wrong decision against him. he is right. until marriage, you were listening to your mind and got married to him against your parents wish. now suddenly you write on this thread saying you want a divorce because your parents are against it and they feel you wont be happy in the future. why didnt you think of this before?

he is not so financial strong then in future is you have a child will he be able to take the responsibility, if he can't then i have to work, my parents say that will i work whole life for my husbands family and they will tell me to work because i did not bring dowry.
just ask your mom whether she looked after her parents and siblings after marriage or her husband, in-laws etc. where was she staying after marriage? with her parents? whom did she cook for? whose house she looked after? if her answer is hubby/in-laws, didn't she WORK FOR THEM...? your an Indian, you very well know that once you are married, you belong to the other family and not your parents. it is not wrong to be working for them. they too are parents to you. that's why we call them MOTHER / FATHER - in law.
as for working after you get pregnant, its nothing to worry about,,, many people work right until the day they deliver. in fact my mom worked, came home, cooked for 8, cleaned, washed dishes, milked the cow, cleaned the barn and delivered my brother a few hours after that. same thing happened when she delivered me.
now you get sufficient maternity leave and since you have ur in-laws, you can continue working a few months after delivery. they will surely look after the baby.

i hurried and got married and now again i am making hurry to end my relationship.am I doing right thing listening to my parents or should i do as my heart says.
NO, you are not doing the right thing. if you are so into listening to your parents, you should have listened to them before the marriage and NOT now. you followed your heart and got married, why listen to your parents now? you indeed are hurrying. you hurried into the relation and not to get out...

I some times think that my parents will not spoil my life they might have thought that I will be much happy in future without my husband. why didn't you think of this before? you know how hard it is for a woman to be married again once she is divorced? this is India Sonia and a woman's life is not easy, specially once she gets divorced. one wrong comment about you and you will live a single life your whole life.
how can you be sure that you will be happy if you get a divorce? yours is a love marriage right? you went against your parents to get married to this guy. why a sudden change of mind? you said
-in-laws treat you properly
-husband loves you
then why listen to your parents????? you should have thought about the "my parents will not spoil my life" aspect before you got married..


I thought of getting away from my husband before marriage but after registration. My parents are saying that my husband will not support me and that in future I will not be safe. I think that before I did not listen to my parents words that I will not be happy and even if I don't listen to them I will make hell of my life.

All my relatives and friends say to come out from my husbands house as early as possible before its too late.

My husband even told me not to work and he will look after my expenses and everything else. He even said me if you don't even go for work from tomorrow he will be happy.

I can't understand what to do whom to listen. If I listen to my husband I think my parents will not spoil my life they might have thought good for me. And if I think of future I think I will not be safe.

I can't understand what decision to take. Should I support my husband or my parents. I have bright future outside my town but my husband is ot allowing me, I want to achieve something for myself and my future, but my husband is not ready to leave this towm. I am fed up thinking of all this and my future every day. Please suggest.

Threads merged

I got answers to all my questions, but I did not get answer when my in laws said to break the relationship with my parents family members and my sisters and relatives. Should I break the relation and keep quite. I want to meet my parents. My mother in law says that if I go to meet my parents she will drink even water from my hand and will not allow me to go even after 6 months or 1 year and no family members or sisters should come and meet me in my house my mother in law told me, what should I do for this, can you find me some solution so that I can meet my parents without any fear.

If i listen to my husband i think my parents will not spoil my life they might have thought good for me. And if i think of future i think i will not be safe.
Why do you think your future will not be safe? your parents warned you against him before the ceremony. If you were so sure that your parents about a good future for you, you should have declined the marriage ceremony and divorced (since you have registered) him immediately.
why didnt you think that your parents have thought of a good future for you, before you married him?

how do you know you have a bright future outside your town?

If you had thought leaving him after registering, you should have. Why didn't you? why are you planning to leave him NOW after the ceremony? there should be a reason.


You have already made a hell of your life. 1st you get registered, then even after your parents ask you not to, you ceremoniously marry him in front of other family members, now you think about what your parents are saying, you want a divorce and you are confused. You not just made a hell of your life but also your husband's life.

What do you mean by this "All my relatives and freinds say to come out from my husbands house as early as possible before its too late" why do they say that? what reason do they have?

My husband even told me ot to work and he will look after my expenses and everything else. He even said me if you dont even go for work from tomorrow he will be happy. there are 2 ways of taking this in.
1. he loves you a lot and doesn't want you to struggle working outside...
2. he doesn't trust you and hence he prefers you stay at home...
it depends on you, how will you take it?

Just do this,, read all your posts, think about how you took this whole situation and then ask for more help if required.
Since the beginning, you have confused yourself but always followed what you wanted. Do the same now, do what you want because none of us in this thread can take decision for you. We can just suggest you. Since you are complicating everything, there is nothing we can suggest.

I can't understand what decision to take. Should i support my husband or my parents. you ask us to take decision for you based on what you say, which is not much. No one can help you unless we know the true facts which I am sure you are not sharing.

I feel you are regretting not having listened to your parents and you want to make up for it. Also you regret marrying him for some reason you are not ready to disclose.

If i listen to my husband i think my parents will not spoil my life they might have thought good for me. And if i think of future i think i will not be safe.
Why do you think your future will not be safe? your parents warned you against him before the ceremony. if you were so sure that your parents about a good future for you, you should have declined the marriage ceremony and divorced (since you have registered) him immediately.
why didnt you think that your parents have thought of a good future for you, before you married him?

how do you know you have a bright future outside your town?

if you had thought leaving him after registering, you should have. why didnt you? why are you planning to leave him NOW after the ceremony? there should be a reason.


you have already made a hell of your life. 1st you get registered, then even after your parents ask you not to, you ceremoniously marry him in front of other family members, now you think about what ur parents are saying, you want a divorce and you are confused. you not just made a hell of your life but also your husband's life.

what do you mean by this "All my relatives and freinds say to come out from my husbands house as early as possible before its too late" why do they say that? what reason do they have?

My husband even told me ot to work and he will look after my expenses and everything else. He even said me if you dont even go for work from tomorrow he will be happy. there are 2 ways of taking this in.
1. he loves you a lot and doesnt want you to struggle working outside....
2. he doesnt trust you and hence he prefers you stay at home....
it depends on you, how will you take it?

just do this,,, read all your posts,, think about how you took this whole situation and then ask for more help if required.
since the beginning, you have confused yourself but always followed what you wanted. do the same now, do what you want because none of us in this thread can take decision for you. we can just suggest you. since you are complicating everything, there is nothing we can suggest.

I can't understand what decision to take. Should i support my husband or my parents. you ask us to take decision for you based on what you say, which is not much. no one can help you unless we know the true facts which i am sure you are not sharing.

i feel you are regretting not having listened to your parents and you want to make up for it. also you regret marrying him for some reason you are not ready to disclose.


I agree to whatever you say might be I want to obey my parents after taking this wrong decision. But still I am trying to find hapiness in my husbands house but I am not finding it. I try to be happy but I can't be happy.

I got all the answer to my questions, but tell me my in laws are telling me to break relation with my parents and not to go and meet them and even my sisters and relatives, should I do that and sit quite and listen whatever they say, how can I be wihtout meeting my parents and sisters. They tell me if I go and meet parents then I have to go away from my husbands house permanently and no need to come back.

My husband during our fight last week also told me to remove whatever jwellery he had put and go to my mother place and not to come back, does anyone says this even in anger, I don't think so. My husband even told me I can go to my mothers place now so that if after 6 months if I get pergnant then if my family members done accept me it will be a problem for me. My husband also said that might be I am interested in getting married to my mother choice, does any one say that in anger, if he truly loves me he wouldn't say all this to me in front of his mother.

I only need answer that whether I should keep quite if my in laws say me to break the relation form my parents and be at home not to meet my parents and go to my relatives.But I can't do that its very difficult and impossible for me. Please suggest me something so that I can meet my parents frequently and freely without hiding from my in laws please.

Seems at some point you will have to figure what you want for yourself, and stand up for it, to everyone. That's the best course when everyone is telling you something different to do.

What do you have to be told what you should do? Do what you want, for a change. That may make somebody mad, but you can't please everyone all the time.

Stop this tug of war. I really wish you and your husband would move away from all your families, and work together to find your own happiness.


Roopali, you don't have to keep making new threads to get answers.

I think its time you did for yourself and stop letting others control you. That means you actually have to think of what you want, and not what your family, His family wants of you.

@ talaniman - u have made a very good point,, but OP has made such a mess out of everything that it is not easy to get out of it.

I actually find it very confusing now. If you read all the replies by roopali, it gives you a puzzle which is actually difficult to understand. Its all two way...

Sonia, below is your story, read it, understand it and decide what you have to do. There is nothing anyone of us can do to help you. You are standing on a wall and asking which side to jump. To you, both sides are equally good and bad. You can neither leave your husband, nor your parents. You love them both but you have complaints on both too. You are totally confused. You made a haste in taking decision. You have to suffer the consequences.

Therez one solution I'l give. DON'T divorce your husband but don't stay with him either. DON'T go to your parents. You mentioned you have a good career-future out of your town. Just leave everyone and go.

Kindly suggest me some solution, kindly advice etc have been deleted.

Hi i am Sonia,
I am working in one of the private company from last 4 years and i am in love with a boy, we are in love last 3 years, although we are both hindus but we belong to different caste, my boyfriend family has agreed for our marriage but my parents are not at all ready to accept us. we tried to convince them a lot, but now we have got registered marriage last 6 months back.
Our problem is that my boyfriend family wants to celebrate their sons marriage, but my mother and family members have told me that you have registered marriage to him then you can go and stay away with him, and break all the realtionships with us, my mother said to me that she will never come to your door step.
But i am having the confident that sooner or later i will make my mom agree.
I have two elder sisters and they have got married to good family, even my boyfriend has good family, but only is the cast problem. i have one younger sister and one elder brother, my younger sister has supported me a lot and after my borther knowing that i got registered marriage and nothing can be done now he also understood me.
my mother says that they will loos their name and respect in the society and no one will accept me in their community. My only problem is that the mother is not at all agreeing and my boyfriends family want to celebrate it and that my mother should accept it and do our marriage for which we can't even take any decision further. only thing is i want to make my mother convinced.

Hi, i have read some of the answers sent to me.
Today my boyfriends family members are planning to come from Bombay and get us married in a traditional way by sunday. I am afriad because my mother has gone to Bangalore to stay with my sister and my father is alone at home and at present i am looking after him, if i take suddenly this decision to go out from home and live with him, will it be right towards my family, my father.
This thought came in my mind because my mother is not at all ready to support me and marry me in good manner.
my monther also asked me that if you get married to him, you will have childrens later on then whose culture are you going to follow up.

Hi,
i have received some answers to my questions, i need one more suggestion from you, my sister yesterday informed me that my mother is planning to cancel my registered marriage and not ready to acept us in any condition, so i have planned to go from my home by next week, because my boyfreinds sister is coming to get us married because there is no other solution left, will it be fine going from home within mothers presences.

Ya i have already registered my marriage, but my only problem is that my father is alone at home and my mother is away in Bangalore, is it fine to live my dad and go away from home within my mothers presences.
.
i am trying to say that, as far my dad is concerned he is damm against my marriage with him. He is afraid only about the respect he will loss in our community.
My mom is trying not to accept us but my younger sister is saying not to take any step without mom presence, it will again hurt mom badly, so i am totally confused whether to wait or not.
My boyfreinds family members are coming especially to get us married in traditional way, but they even say that you can't go to your mothers place after marriage because she has not understood you and us. I can't even stop them.

i can't live my love and i want my mother also to understand me and be with me. But sheis not at all, only she has the fear of respect that she will loss.
I want to take final decision and go away from my home, but i even want my mom.
I have got legally married to him and can't even think to depart from him.
Only thing is hurting me is should i take decision without mom's presences or should i wait till she comes. But it will take much time and i am not able to take any harss words or hatered from anyone. what will i do shall i go away from home.

I liked the answer given by pest control.
I am again little bit confused, this week my boyfriends sister is coming and we are proposing to get married in temple by friday. My mother will be coming by next monday and my father is alone, shall i go ahead and take my final step.

its very bas to say that my father as not done any bank balance for us to get married.
We have to earn and get settled in our life. No one is bothere about our life.
i only need solution that can i go and stay away get mariied with my boyfriend and live with him.
Hi thanks for all you of for giving me suugestions and solutions.
I have finally decided to get married on friday and live my home, i just need to ask you that whether i am doing the right thing, without informning my parents at all what i am doing, my dad and mother are totally opposed to my marriage and my brother and younger sister is supporting me. I am only tensed that my father is at home alone and he might get tensed hearing my marriage without knowing to him. But i have no options left.
only for the last time i need some suggestion from you, kindly advise me, as i am very tensed to go ahead without knowledge to my parents.

thanks for all your suggestions and advises,
My father doesnt notice anything, he gets angry very soon and he has no patiences to think at all. he directly shouts out, i only want him to be good at health and nothing else i need, my mother will be fine because my sister is there to look after her and she will not come so early at home.
I am only feeling guilty that what i am going to do is right or wrong.
i am leaving my house without parents permission. i am not going out from the house with the intention to loose my family forever, i want to come back and ask to forgive them and be toggther once again, will it be possible to get back to my mother after me leaving the house, i am worried about that. I only want my mother to understand me and get back to me.
I will be able to get my mother love and her understand back,

Continued...
Kindly suggest me some solution, kindly advice etc have been deleted.
Hi,
My mother is coming back today, i am very tensed and afriad that what will be my mother reaction. I am taking my final decision of getting married on friday without my mothers kwoledge. I had told my sister and some of the my friends that i will get married on friday, they might have told my mother.
I only want to ask that what should i speak when mother tells me anything, should i react or keep quite. suggest please

if my mother says me to out out from the house immediate shall i live my home and go. My boyfriend even suggested me that if they say you anything you just come away from your home.
if they dont agree at all even if i try to convince them for the last time, shall i live my home and go. i am very much tensed and can't find any solution. Please help me out.
Ok
thanks for the suggestions, but still i am afriad and tensed for the dicision i have taken, i am thinking that if my mother agrees with heavy heart and tells me to wait till next month, shall i wait.
My Husband is not ready to wait he is telling to say mom that i can't wait anymore. what shall i do.
Shall i do whatever decision i have taken please suggest.
i got married last 15 days back and know they have put me condition that i have to forget my parents and my relatives anf break all relation with my parents and if i go and meet my parents they will put me out from my house even my husband told me this. My family members are trying to take me out from that by giving me divorce from him.
My family members say that without our permission you got married and now you did not bring the dowry and they are not allowing me to be in contact with family members and not to go anywhere out. You are working and whole life they will make you to work, this all my family members are saying and telling my mom and dad to bring from my husband family as soon as possible. because further anything wrong should not happened.
My husband is saying me that either i should forget my family or i should forget him.
With 8 days of my maariage i am not happy in my husbands house. what decision my family members have took shall i go with that.
My in laws where very good before and even my husband, but i made a mistake and did not understand them. My in laws are still not asking me anything about dowry but my parents are saying that they will ask you in future and that when you have a child all the responsibility of looking after it will come on me because i am working. My husband even said me not to work but my in laws will not allow me to do that.
I am trapped in a very bad manner. my only worry is that shall i take my decision so soon of divorce from my husband wihtin 15 days of marriage or shall i test him.
My mom says no need to test him again.

Let me tell you everything in detail.
My husbands parents wanted to celeberate the marriage in a grand manner but they did not get a chance to do so because my parents did not agree and for that reason my in laws are angry on my family members and are not ready to send me to my parents house. My in laws say that why they did not agree for my marriage and now why i have to go to my parents house to stay with them. So they are forcing me to break all the relations with my parents and not to meet them at all.
My husband said that he will take me to my parents to meet them every 15 days and because my in laws are little bit angry everything will not be good very soon it will take time my husband made me understand that. He said that if i be good with my in laws they themselves will tell me to go and meet my parents. But the thing is i should have patience's.
I am also confused to take any step because still my in laws did not treat me bad only thing is they are telling me to break my parents relations. They still did not even ask me my salary, They are not behaving badly with me. My husband also said that he will keep me happy but i have to wait for sometime for the time to come.
My parents were against this marriage so they are interested in getting me back, my husband loves me a lot and never thought that i will be planning to take divorce from him, i think that if i go away from him he might do something to his life. He is afraid that i am listening to my parents and i will take some wrong decision against him.
My parents say that he is not so financial strong then in future is you have a child will he be able to take the responsibility, if he can't then i have to work, my parents say that will i work whole life for my husbands family and they will tell me to work because i did not bring dowry. Even my mother in laws says to try for some other job which is permanent. But i can't take in a wrong way. My husband said me not to work he will look after me, but i am afraid if he can't handle then i will loose my job. I want to go to other place and work for some good company but my husband is not ready to send me out.
Only thing is i hurried and got married and now again i am making hurry to end my relationship. am I doing right thing listening to my parents or should i do as my heart says. My parents say that don't think only about present, to think about future to be happy, and if I have a child I will be in much more problem. And my parents will not come to help me.
My parents say that I went against their words and got married but even they want me to be happy in future so they are telling me. I some times think that my parents will not spoil my life they might have thought that I will be much happy in future without my husband. I am totally confused and my life is messed up. I have to think from all the sides it is becoming very difficult for me.
My Husband also said that if I am pregnant he will not send me to my parents house. If I now say me to take me to my parents house he goes and fights with me along with my family members.

I thought of getting away from my husband before marriage but after registration. My parents are saying that my husband will not support me and that in future i will not be safe. I think that before i did not listen to my parents words that i will not be happy and even if i dont listen to them i will make hell of my life.
All my relatives and freinds say to come out from my husbands house as early as possible before its too late.
My husband even told me not to work and he will look after my expenses and everything else. He even said me if you dont even go for work from tomorrow he will be happy.
i can't understand what to do whom to listen. If i listen to my husband i think my parents will not spoil my life they might have thought good for me. And if i think of future i think i will not be safe.
I can't understand what decision to take. Should i support my husband or my parents. I have bright future outside my town but my husband is ot allowing me, i want to achieve something for myself and my future, but my husband is not ready to leave this towm. I am fed up thinking of all this and my future every day.

i got answers to all my questions, but i did not get answer when my in laws said to break the relationship with my parents family members and my sisters and relatives. Should i break the relation and keep quite. I want to meet my parents. My mother in law says that if i go to meet my parents she will drink even water from my hand and will not allow me to go even after 6 months or 1 year and no family members or sisters should come and meet me in my house my mother in law told me, what should i do for this, can u find me some solution so that i can meet my parents without any fear.

I agree to whatever you say might be i want to obey my parents after taking this wrong decision. But still i am trying to find hapiness in my husbands house but i am not finding it. I try to be happy but i can't be happy.
I got all the answer to my questions, but tell me my in laws are telling me to break relation with my parents and not to go and meet them and even my sisters and relatives, should i do that and sit quite and listen whatever they say, how can i be wihtout meeting my parents and sisters. They tell me if i go and meet parents then i have to go away from my husbands house permanently and no need to come back.
My husband during our fight last week also told me to remove whatever jwellery he had put and go to my mother place and not to come back, does anyone says this even in anger, i dont think so. My husband even told me i can go to my mothers place now so that if after 6 months if i get pergnant then if my family members done accept me it will b a problem for me. My husband also said that might be i am interested in getting married to my mother choice, does any one say that in anger, if he truly loves me he wouldnt say all this to me in front of his mother.
i only need answer that whether i should keep quite if my in laws say me to break the relation form my parents and be at home not to meet my parents and go to my relatives.But i can't do that its very difficult and impossible for me. Please suggest me something so that i can meet my parents frequently and freely without hiding from my in laws please.

If anyone can give Roopali a final Solution, You are noting less than God...

Her solution is simple, she needs to stand up for herself, believe in herself, and tell everyone to back off. That includes her husband, and if he doesn't like it, divorce him, and do her own thing that makes her happy, not everyone else.

She is trying to please everyone but herself. Thats what has to stop. It will, if she stands up for herself, as she needs none of them to be happy.

My husband during our fight last week also told me to remove whatever jwellery he had put and go to my mother place and not to come back, does anyone says this even in anger, I don't think so. My husband even told me I can go to my mothers place now so that if after 6 months if I get pergnant then if my family members done accept me it will be a problem for me. My husband also said that might be I am interested in getting married to my mother choice, does any one say that in anger, if he truly loves me he wouldn't say all this to me in front of his mother.

You are threatening to leave, to divorce, of course he's upset. Do you really expect him to just sit by while you whine and moan about the choices you made? I'd be angry too, and I'd say a heck of a lot worse to you then he did.


I only need answer that whether I should keep quite if my in laws say me to break the relation form my parents and be at home not to meet my parents and go to my relatives.But I can't do that its very difficult and impossible for me. Please suggest me something so that I can meet my parents frequently and freely without hiding from my in laws please.

Do you really expect us to make this decision for you? This is a decision that will (at least in your mind) change the rest of your life. We can't make this choice for you, that's up to you and only you.

Your parents aren't going to accept this marriage, you've made that very clear. Personally, I think your in-laws want you to break contact because they see that your parents are putting bad thoughts into your head. Thoughts of divorce, of leaving, of breaking the commitment you made. What kind of parents do that? Oh you, yours do. Doesn't sound like they care about your happiness at all, only their happiness and their standing in the community. That's not love and I think your in-laws see that.

You sound very young and very naïve. You got married on a whim, now you're regretting it. You should have thought about all of this before you said "I do".

You sound rather foolish and silly. I don't understand your culture but I do understand that all of this could have been avoided if you'd only thought things through a bit more. Now only your husband will suffer.

It's hard to feel sorry for you, and I don't. You made your bed, now lay in it.

Her solution is simple, she needs to stand up for herself, believe in herself, and tell everyone to back off. That includes her husband, and if he doesn't like it, divorce him, and do her own thing that makes her happy, not everyone else.

She is trying to please everyone but herself. Thats what has to stop. It will, if she stands up for herself, as she needs none of them to be happy.

She is trying to please everyone but herself? Didn't she get married to the guy she loved (or she thought she did) for 3 years? She registered her marriage 6+ months back before the ceremony and now she seeks help. She married the guy to make herself happy and not to make him happy or his parents. Its now, after the ceremony that she regrets.



You are threatening to leave, to divorce, of course he's upset. Do you really expect him to just sit by while you whine and moan about the choices you made? I'd be angry too, and I'd say a heck of a lot worse to you then he did.

Do you really expect us to make this decision for you? This is a decision that will (at least in your mind) change the rest of your life. We can't make this choice for you, that's up to you and only you.

Your parents aren't going to accept this marriage, you've made that very clear. Personally, I think your in-laws want you to break contact because they see that your parents are putting bad thoughts into your head. Thoughts of divorce, of leaving, of breaking the commitment you made. What kind of parents do that? Oh ya, yours do. Doesn't sound like they care about your happiness at all, only their happiness and their standing in the community. That's not love and I think your in-laws see that.

You sound very young and very naive. You got married on a whim, now you're regretting it. You should have thought about all of this before you said "I do".

You sound rather foolish and silly. I don't understand your culture but I do understand that all of this could have been avoided if you'd only thought things through a bit more. Now only your husband will suffer.

It's hard to feel sorry for you, and I don't. You made your bed, now lay in it.

You made your point and i agree completely. but its not just her husband who will suffer. She will too,,

Divorce in India is not well accepted as it is in the west. Its easy for men but women suffer a lot. We women are still looked down upon. Once divorced, the society will blame the woman (in roopali's case,I feel she deserves it) and these women find it hard to be married again.

Based on what Roopali has mentioned, she comes from a middle class/lower middle class family. Those from this particular class find it even more harder to be accepted if divorced. Some even get the tag of a prostitute. One never understands this until the end. Its only after the divorce that people start talking.

As far as roopali's problem is concerned, there is nothing I'm going to say. Don't get into water if you don't know how to swim...

That seems to be not enough, as after making such a move as marriage she cannot then stop doing as she wants, and concede to everyone else's whims, and wishes. She must still stand up for herself, and do what she thinks is right for herself.

You cannot be independent enough to go against HER PARENTS, only to give in to the in laws. Does that make sense?

I may be wrong, given I am American, but to go from one being dominated in one situation, to another cannot be good.

She stood up to her parents, now she must stand up to her in laws, and even her husband to get the kind of life she wants to make for herself.

No one can define her happiness but her. This is the root cause of her problem, everyone is telling her what to do and its not making her happy.

Solution, do what makes her happy. Sure, some feathers will be ruffled, feelings will be hurt, and people will be mad. That's life, and she needs to live it her own way to be happy, and stand for herself, or fall for whatever everyone else wants.

Does anything Roopali said make sense..
She wanted to be married, she got married.
Now she wants divorce, hardly 8 days after marriage (mentioned in previous threads). She says the reason is that she is not happy with her in-laws.
Then another reason comes out - her parents want her to be divorced and in laws are good, treating her well.
Yet another reason - in-laws asking her to break any relation with parents.

She says her husband loves her a lot. But complains about him too.

Sonia (Roopali), you are missing. If you read this, kindly explain.

WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE..

roopali143, why did you get married in the first place? In the beginning you sounded like you love him so much that you can't live without him. And now that you found out that the guy you loved don't want you to work, you want to get away from the man you love? You should have had a long discussion before the marriage. My suggestion for you at this time is for you to grow up. If you don't want this marriage because you want to work than you have made your choice. Only you can free yourself from this situation.

It sounds like the Roopali143 jumps from one thing to the other without any thought to the future.

First she wants to get married, even though her parents expressed that they didn't want her to. Now she is married and doesn't want to stay because all of a sudden her parents are making sense.

This isn't a game, this is marriage. When you marry you take the good times with the bad. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you made your bed, now lay in it.

It sounds like the Roopali143 jumps from one thing to the other without any thought to the future.

First she wants to get married, even though her parents expressed that they didn't want her to. Now she is married and doesn't want to stay because all of a sudden her parents are making sense.

This isn't a game, this is marriage. When you marry you take the good times with the bad. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you made your bed, now lay in it.


I had gone to my mothers home for three days without informing my husband and his family. I thought my husband will come and take me but he did not come he came after two days when after my relatives (not my parents) forcing me to give complaint against my husband that he is not keeping me good at home they forced me to give false statement. His mother was not ready to take me home because I did not inform her and go but even I have come back, my mother in law is not talking to me at all now. I have come only for my husband. Will my relationship will continue. Will I be able to live happily in my husbands family ahead. Please suggest.

I suggest you, and your husband get some ground rules, as to how you live with this marriage. Nobody else's opinion even counts.

I had gone to my mothers home for three days without informing my husband and his family. i thought my husband will come and take me but he did not come he came after two days when after my relatives (not my parents) forcing me to give complaint against my husband that he is not keeping me good at home they forced me to give false statement. his mother was not ready to take me home because i did not inform her and go but even i have come back, my mother in law is not talking to me at all now. i have come only for my husband. will my relationship will continue. will i be able to live happily in my husbands family ahead. please suggest.

No, you won't live happily with your husband, because you aren't willing to work on the relationship, you just expect everyone to do what you want them to do, without any regard to what they want.

You gave a false statement saying that you husband "is not keeping you in a good home". What does that mean exactly? Did you say that he hurts you? I don't understand what the quality of the home has to do with anything.

As for your mother-in-law no longer talking to you, well DUH! You gave a false statement against her son, what did you think she'd do, welcome you with open arms?

Also, you went to your parents house and now you're upset that your husband didn't immediately come get you? You left. Personally, if I was him, I would have left you there, you're more trouble then you're worth.

Get the divorce, set the poor guy and his family free from your selfishness and insanity.

Get the divorce, set the poor guy and his family free from your selfishness and insanity.

So far, I was thinking about Roopali, her life will be a living hell if she gets a divorce. But after reading her last 2-3 replies, I pity her hubby and his family.

Altenweg, you got it right. Least, he can live a happy live if she is gone.

So far, i was thinking about Roopali, her life will be a living hell if she gets a divorce. But after reading her last 2-3 replies, i pity her hubby and his family.

Altenweg, you got it right. least, he can live a happy live if she is gone.

I am sorry for all the mistakes I have done so far, I am know in my husbands house and my in laws are not talking to me but I convinced them and asked to forgive me know they are sometimes talking to me, but my problem is that my husband has stopped talking to my in laws at all because my husband thinks that he has not done any mistake and that my husband also asked to forgive him but even then my in laws are not talking to them at all. I begged my husband to talk ti my in laws but my husbad says that why should he go and talk to my in laws, why they can't come and talk to me even if I asked sorry to them and even if it was not his fault. Know my husband says that his parents should come and talk to them first and then he will start talking to them and my in laws say that my husband should talk first. Know in between all this I am suffering, although I had made the mistake my husband is suffering a lot from his mind and heart that his parents are not talking to him. I have made everything proper but the thing is that if my husband starts talking to his parents then everything will be normal as it was before. I told my husband to talk to his parents several times but he is not ready what to do.

Also I am going to job bcause my husband needs some financial support from me at the beginning because during our marriage no one helped us. But my sisters and all are saying me to leave the job and take rest for some days. My husband says till we have a child I can go to work. My sisters also say that it's the duty of my husband to look after me after my marriage and I should not go to work and earn it's a shame to me husband my sisters tell me. What should I do Is it good to leave the job at this moment. Please suggest I need your help.

You are a greedy little girl, aren't you?

You're the cause of all of these problems. All of them!

Now he ask you to work, to help out, because he won't get financial help from his family, because of you. But, because it might look bad you want to stay home and do what? Pick you nose?

Go to work, earn some money, help out the man you married and so far, whose life you've destroyed.

You don't need our help, you need psychological help. You don't deserve what you've got.

I am wondering why everyone is telling you what to do, and your supposed to be the Queen of the house.

All that talking with your husband, and you never talked of finances and the way you run your house, before you married him?

This is unbelievable.

You are guilty of separating a son from his parents. I'd never forgive myself if I was the cause for my husband's problems, specially if he and his parents end up not talking to each other.
A husband taking care of wife after marriage was in the 18th century. Now its 2way. If you are thinking of NOT supporting him, better wash his legs soon as he gets home and be his slave,, that's how women were back then when Husbands looked after them.

I have re-read all the posts, and the only thing that makes sense to me is old world clashes with new world.

It is impossible for non-Indians to truly understand the 'rules' and obligations and demands.

While Roopali is educated and quite capable of making her own way in this world without the 'help' of either set of parents, she is stuck trying to please both.

It seems easy enough- just walk away, start over. But, that will still cause a great divide in both families. The aftermath is almost as bad as the upset over the marriage. Divorce will affect everybody in both families.

This isn't being between a rock and a hard place, it's about being between a boulder and an avalanche.

The only thing I can think of that I don't think has been considered, is to meet with a spiritual advisor to help everybody understand what their options are, and how to possibly mend fences. It will not please everybody, but maybe a compromise of some sort can be reached.

If a religious authority can help sort this mess out, it would be far better for all.

I have re-read all the posts, and the only thing that makes sense to me is old world clashes with new world.

It is impossible for non-Indians to truly understand the 'rules' and obligations and demands.

While Roopali is educated and quite capable of making her own way in this world without the 'help' of either set of parents, she is stuck trying to please both.

It seems easy enough- just walk away, start over. But, that will still cause a great divide in both families. The aftermath is almost as bad as the upset over the marriage. Divorce will affect everybody in both families.

This isn't being between a rock and a hard place, it's about being between a boulder and an avalanche.

The only thing I can think of that I don't think has been considered, is to meet with a spiritual advisor to help everybody understand what their options are, and how to possibly mend fences. It will not please everybody, but maybe a compromise of some sort can be reached.

If a religious authority can help sort this mess out, it would be far better for all.


Does age difference matters in any love marriage relationships. Because my husband is 6 years elder to me. Is there any problem with that. Please suggest

That depends. How old are you.

That depends. How old are you.

I am 24 years old and my husband is 30 years. Does that make any problem in our married life. Does age difference have any problem with me ahead. Please advise.

If you have worked, and lived with your parents all this time, before you were married, its not so much the age but there is a lot of adjustments to be made. I think its more experience, and maturity rather than age.

Your still growing in the mind. Learning how to handle yourself, and have an realistic idea of what you want, and need to be happy. And uppermost, how to get it.

If you have worked, and lived with your parents all this time, before you were married, its not so much the age but there is a lot of adjustments to be made. I think its more experience, and maturity rather than age.

Your still growing in the mind. Learning how to handle yourself, and have an realistic idea of what you want, and need to be happy. And uppermost, how to get it.

Hi,
WISH YOU ALL A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR 2010

I am trying to be happy and settle down all the things in my life. But my major problem is my mom doesn't want to talk to me at all, she has told me not to step the house henceforth because I broke my mom's faith and went with my husband. My in laws are also not trying to ignore this problem and be together. My Mother is not talking to me at all. I want to maintain every relationship.

My sister says that I did not think the further consequences if I get married to other caste and against my parents wishes, my sister told me know there is no one whom you can go and meet in our family circle. I will not be invited to any of the family function or marriages henceforth my sister told me. She even told me you will not come to know even what is going no in our family circles. No one of family members will try to call me or remember me at all. My sister told me why I did not think about all this before taking such decision. She told me why I did not think that my mother will get departed from me. But she even says that know there is no use in crying I have to face the situation and try to solve all the relationships and become one. She is saying marriage is not a simple thing to be performed even I think the same what all she said.

Did I do wrong thing hurting me parents especially my mother, she is very much hurted by my behaviour, she is very upset. Will my relationship with my mother become proper, I am ready to wait to as much time as I can, but tell me will my mother ever accept us both happily, is it possible by any way.

I need your suggestion to improve my relationship with my mother and all other please kindly suggest.

If I am happy in any way my mother will be happy, but how can I show her that I am trying to be happy and adjust know. I want only my mother to be happy for which I can do anything. PLEASE PLEASE DO SUGGEST SOME IDEAS SO THAT I AND MY MOTHER CAN BE HAPPY

If you have worked, and lived with your parents all this time, before you were married, its not so much the age but there is a lot of adjustments to be made. I think its more experience, and maturity rather than age.

Your still growing in the mind. Learning how to handle yourself, and have an realistic idea of what you want, and need to be happy. And uppermost, how to get it.

All say that in intercaste marriage if it is hard to solve the relationship problem between both the families the only solution would be when the child is born to the couple. Is there any posibilities in my case if I give birth to a child my family relation will improve. What if even I have child nothing is possible to get improved. Please suggest some ideas.

If a child comes in my life will all my problems get solved and will my mother accept us both happily. Please advice

You are a greedy little girl, aren't you?

You're the cause of all of these problems. All of them!

Now he ask you to work, to help out, because he won't get financial help from his family, because of you. But, because it might look bad you want to stay home and do what? Pick you nose?

Go to work, earn some money, help out the man you married and so far, whose life you've destroyed.

You don't need our help, you need psychological help. You don't deserve what you've got.

I am working know and trying and want to help my husband. My only problem is that I don't have much salary in the office were I work and my husbands income is also not so good, even all were saying me that why did I choice such a guy whose income is not so good, but he loves me a lot, but everyone says me that only love and caring doesn't fill the stomach and fulfills the desires and ambitions in life they say we have to be financially strong. Is having financial background is important or understanding.

My husband is not even ready to send me out from my present place to work in different place where I can get good pay accroding to my qualifications.

Please suggest if there are any alternate jobs which I can do and earn. It might me part time job even. Please help and suggest.

While this is all so new to you and maybe a bit overwhelming, I suggest you not worry about anything and any one for now, except your new husband and the management of the new house you both now form. The success of that house is what important and everything else will fall into place.

As you are qualified for more, so can he be. Work together to build a life you both enjoy. That alone may soften the hearts of others, and allay their fears.

Don't be distracted by the squabbles and attitudes of others, just live your life and make it a happy one.

One day when others see that happiness they will want you to share it with them. Focus, and work with you husband, that's all you need to do. Talk and listen to each other.

You keep asking for our help to predict the future. We don't know any more then you do.


tell me will my mother ever accept us both happily, is it possible by any way.

Don't know, that ball is in your mothers court. Ask her.


if a child comes in my life will all my problems get solved and will my mother accept us both happily. Please advice

Again, how would we know? Also, I really wouldn't suggest bringing a child into this relationship. A child adds stress to a marriage. Your marriage is already on shaky ground, so why would you add more stress?


Please suggest if there are any alternate jobs which I can do and earn. It might me part time job even. Please help and suggest.

I live in Canada. I can give you a list of people looking for employees in my immediate area. As for your area, you'd know better then any of us. So look in the paper or whatever it is you do there to find a job. Stop being so lazy and help yourself for a change. :(

I don't know what you think we can do for you. All the questions you're asking can't be solved by us, they can only be solved by you and the other people involved.

You know these people, so follow what you think will work. You know your religion, your beliefs, your parents beliefs. Yes, you went against all that. Yes, they're hurt. They may never forgive you, so you may want to start accepting that your greed may well cost you your family.

I wish you the best of luck, but really, we can't help you. You have to help yourself.

While this is all so new to you and maybe a bit overwhelming, I suggest you not worry about anything and any one for now, except your new husband and the management of the new house you both now form. The success of that house is what important and everything else will fall into place.

As you are qualified for more, so can he be. Work together to build a life you both enjoy. That alone may soften the hearts of others, and allay their fears.

Don't be distracted by the squabbles and attitudes of others, just live your life and make it a happy one.

One day when others see that happiness they will want you to share it with them. Focus, and work with you husband, thats all you need to do. Talk and listen to each other.

I am qualified and want to work in good company and want to earn more, but my husband is not allowing me to work out of city. He says if there is no good job I can be at home. My husband is not so qualified so he thinks he can't get better job outside our city so he is not intrested to send me even to work outside our city. But without taking any step we have improve our life I tried to convince my husband but my husband is not ready to understand it. I want to improve my life, please suggest.

Does money is everything in life, does rich and poor effect any relationship. We are not so good in money but want to improve our financial sitiuation. Does financial situiation is all in love married life.

Please suggest please.

Roopali, you're not a child, you're a woman. This is your marriage now. You and your husband are the ones that are responsible for the success or failure of your marriage.

I said it before and I'll say it again. The questions you're asking we can't solve. No, money doesn't buy happiness, at 24 you should know that.

The fact is, you're married. Instead of asking us about all of these petty concerns, talk to your husband, the man you agreed to spend the rest of your life with. The man that you loved so much that you turned away from your family just to marry him.

You sound like a child. It's time to stop acting like one.

Live within your means until the means get bigger. Be financially independent, no matter the means.

Money problems, at least in the West, are very near the top of the list for having a big part of marriage breakups.

I agree with much of what Alty has to say about your situation. Overall, your problems are huge, such as the distance between you and your family, not being able to go to where you can better use your education and skills, problems with the in-laws, etc.

But, the knit picking and disecting of the smallest detail in your marriage, and life, and wondering what will happen or should happen, is like asking to have your future read. I have not come across anybody that is very good at predicting anybody's future events.

That you continue to be so anxious about your life and where it is heading, and you don't seem to grasp any sense of it, or have an idea of how to cope, I would suggest that you seek help from your family Doctor, or a therapist who is more familiar with your lifestyle, and can better guide you.

I had suggested earlier on that you speak with a religious person as well, for clarification of the many crossroads you find yourself at.

You need to be informed as to what you can do, and what you can't do, to solve your own problems. I'm sure you are aware that any University in India offers help for women that is confidential.

We can only really give you opinions, and you need more expert advice, in your own culture, with people who know, understand, and can help you through these problems.

Good luck.

Money problems, at least in the West, are very near the top of the list for having a big part of marriage breakups.

I agree with much of what Alty has to say about your situation. Overall, your problems are huge, such as the distance between you and your family, not being able to go to where you can better use your education and skills, problems with the in-laws, etc.

But, the knit picking and disecting of the smallest detail in your marriage, and life, and wondering what will happen or should happen, is like asking to have your future read. I have not come across anybody that is very good at predicting anybody's future events.

That you continue to be so anxious about your life and where it is heading, and you don't seem to grasp any sense of it, or have an idea of how to cope, I would suggest that you seek help from your family Doctor, or a therapist who is more familiar with your lifestyle, and can better guide you.

I had suggested earlier on that you speak with a religious person as well, for clarification of the many crossroads you find yourself at.

You need to be informed as to what you can do, and what you can't do, to solve your own problems. I'm sure you are aware that any University in India offers help for women that is confidential.

We can only really give you opinions, and you need more expert advice, in your own culture, with people who know, understand, and can help you through these problems.

Good luck.

My mind get distracted I want to concentrate with my husband family, but my mind goes again and again thinking for my parents side and I do such things and go wrong way which spoils my life. I no I will get my mom back but it will not happen early I have to keep patiences.

My only problem is I don't have patiences and don't wait for anything to happen good I hurry and end with bad solution, all tell me to be cool and keep patiences but I don't do that. I need help on how to keep patiences and help out to get my family members back especially my mom and also relation should be good towards my husband family and my family.

My sisters say me not to work after having a child they tell me that if I keep on working whole life all responsibilities will come on me and I will be in great problem. My sisters say that after marriage its responsibility of husband to take care of me why should I work they tell me what should I do should I continue working after child.

My other thing is that my husband said that if I don't want to work I can sit at home but our financial position will not improve much, he says we can't achieve anything, we can plan to take anything, my husband says we will leave happily but can't dream much of big things, if I support him he says we can achieve what we need. I even think he is correct, but after child I think I can't manage all the things.

Please advise

My sisters say me not to work after having a child they tell me that if i keep on working whole life all responsibilities will come on me and i will be in great problem. My sisters say that after marriage its responsibility of husband to take care of me why should i work they tell me what should i do should i continue working after child.

My other thing is that my husband said that if i dont want to work i can sit at home but our financial position will not improve much, he says we can't achieve anything, we can plan to take anything, my husband says we will leave happily but can't dream much of big things, if i support him he says we can achieve what we need. I even think he is correct, but after child i think i can't manage all the things.

Please advise

Stop listening to your spoiled sisters who think that they have to have someone take of care of them whether it is your parents or their husbands. I would bet that they would put up with anything that their husbands wanted to keep their husbands taking care of them. Are they married? Did they marry for for Love or by arrangement? How jealous of you are they because you followed your heart and fell in love (even if he is of a different caste)? How much are they trying to cause problems in your life because they aren't happy with their own?

Frankly, I don't think you would be happy being a 'housewife'. I don't think you were happy as a 'dutiful daughter'. I think you want more than the Traditional Role of most women in your country. You should continue working and being a partner to the man you married FOR LOVE. Keep your current job, but keep looking for one in your area that will allow you to advance and fully use your skills. Maybe keep looking in other places for better jobs for both of you.

For this moment, build the relationship between you and your husband. Talk and listen to each other. Build your household and future TOGETHER. When (in the future) you both want to have a child, then you can decide together if you want to be a working or stay-at-home mother.

Stop listening to your spoiled sisters who think that they have to have someone take of care of them whether it is your parents or their husbands. I would bet that they would put up with anything that their husbands wanted to keep their husbands taking care of them. Are they married? Did they marry for for Love or by arrangement? How jealous of you are they because you followed your heart and fell in love (even if he is of a different caste)? How much are they trying to cause problems in your life because they aren't happy with their own?

Frankly, I don't think you would be happy being a 'housewife'. I don't think you were happy as a 'dutiful daughter'. I think you want more than the Traditional Role of most women in your country. You should continue working and being a partner to the man you married FOR LOVE. Keep your current job, but keep looking for one in your area that will allow you to advance and fully use your skills. Maybe keep looking in other places for better jobs for both of you.

For this moment, build the relationship between you and your husband. Talk and listen to each other. Build your household and future TOGETHER. When (in the future) you both want to have a child, then you can decide together if you want to be a working or stay-at-home mother.

My problem is that I used to take all responsibilities of expenditure in my parents house and was fed up of that. I thought at least in my husbands house I will not be given this responsibilitiesb by my in laws want me to spend me for household things.

My another problem is my husband doesn't want to work out of the town and doesn't even want to work me. I want to improve my financial position. Spending for household things and making my future will be very hard for me. I need your advise as to what to do further.
Only thing I don't want to take household responsibilities for whole life or work whole life please suggest some good solutions for me.

I made mistake not listening to my parents and went against them, my mom told me that I did not take any dowry to my husband house so they are making me to work and spend whole life. I am afriad of this. I want some solution from you. Please advise. My mom told you want to work whole life without any rest or going anywhere. My husband is also not sending me anywhere to do. Really I am going mad with my married life please suggest

If you have worked, and lived with your parents all this time, before you were married, its not so much the age but there is a lot of adjustments to be made. I think its more experience, and maturity rather than age.

Your still growing in the mind. Learning how to handle yourself, and have an realistic idea of what you want, and need to be happy. And uppermost, how to get it.

Give me solution so that I can be happy and make all me relations proper. I don't want to take all family responsibilities whole life, please suggest, I want to be happy

give me solution so that i can be happy and make all me relations proper. I dont want to take all family responsibilities whole life, please suggest, i want to be happy

Only you can make yourself happy. We can't give you a solution. We've told you that over and over again.

Do you even read what we write?

give me solution so that i can be happy and make all me relations proper. I dont want to take all family responsibilities whole life, please suggest, i want to be happy

There apparently is no solution that you can accept - you have been given good suggestions.

I strongly suggest, you pay attention to those around you, and decide what must be done for the greater good of the family, and learn something about the ones you live with, and get busy working together.

There is no magic, or instant solutions here. You will just have to keep working at it. It will take time.

But Tal, we're supposed to tell her how to be happy. I thought you had the magic potion, didn't I give it to you after I used it? ;)

LOL, yes you did, but I have worked with many young people, and you have to keep telling them things over and over, until it sinks in. But as we all know, I can lose it, and be harsh if need be.

Obviously there is no strong male support in her life. That's all the poor kid needs. Strong support.

LOL, yes you did, but I have worked with many young people, and you have to keep telling them things over and over, until it sinks in. But as we all know, I can lose it, and be harsh if need be.

Obviously there is no strong male support in her life. Thats all the poor kid needs. Strong support.

I agree that she needs strong support, but I also think she needs to accept the mess she made for herself. No one forced her into this marriage, in fact, she was told from the beginning how her family felt about it and she did it anyway. I won't say that I know her situation, because I don't know the culture, can't imagine it, it's so odd to me, so backwards, but still, she made her bed and she knew full well what she was doing when she did it.

Now, not even a month in, she's complaining about all the problems. I hope they use protection because bringing a child into this nightmare would be catastrophic.

She needs support, but she also needs a swift kick in the arse. She needs to realize that she's responsible for her own happiness, her own path in life. She can sit on her butt and hope for the best or she can do something about it.

So far it seems she wants us to do all the work and we all know that that won't work at all.

She needs to fish or cut bait. ;)

Ya, I'm in a mood. :o

I agree that she needs strong support, but I also think she needs to accept the mess she made for herself. No one forced her into this marriage, in fact, she was told from the beginning how her family felt about it and she did it anyway. I won't say that I know her situation, because I don't know the culture, can't imagine it, it's so odd to me, so backwards, but still, she made her bed and she knew full well what she was doing when she did it.

Now, not even a month in, she's complaining about all the problems. I hope they use protection because bringing a child into this nightmare would be catastrophic.

She needs support, but she also needs a swift kick in the arse. She needs to realize that she's responsible for her own happiness, her own path in life. She can sit on her butt and hope for the best or she can do something about it.

So far it seems she wants us to do all the work and we all know that that won't work at all.

She needs to fish or cut bait. ;)

Ya, I'm in a mood. :o

I want to go away from my husbands family and my parents I don't want to keep any relationships. I am fed up of life. Will staying away from my husband for some days improve my mental condition. I am not able to think positively and be happy I tried hard to be happy but I have hurted peoples heart so I am not able to be happy. Please help and suggest some solution.

I don't know what ideas you had about what married life is about, but you did make your own choice in that, and now you are not happy, because you can't handle your reality.

Maybe some time away can give you insights, before you make another decision you will regret.

You know, we all think we marry for love, and will be happy, but the reality is marriage is a lot of hard work, and if your not up to it, then you find out quickly that just love, is never enough.

i want to go away from my husbands family and my parents i dont want to keep any relationships. I am fed up of life. will staying away from my husband for some days improve my mental condition. i am not able to think positively and be happy i tried hard to be happy but i have hurted peoples heart so i am not able to be happy. Please help and suggest some solution.


I think it's time to close this thread - nothing is going to make OP happy and everything has been said - in my humble opinion. A total of 132 posts and we're back where we started.

I don't know if OP is happy, if her parents, his parents or her husband are happy - but she's depressing me!

Sonia,

I think either you need to take tal's advice, which is be independent in order to find your own happiness. i.e. stand up for yourself and do what you think is right for you. There is a lot of accountability in this. Do you think you are strong enough to make this decision yourself and be responsible for it?

If you aren't strong enough, then I suggest you go back home to your mum, she seems willing to look after you and all your decisions. And this seems to be what you want, someone to be responsible for your happiness.

i want to go away from my husbands family and my parents i dont want to keep any relationships. I am fed up of life. will staying away from my husband for some days improve my mental condition. i am not able to think positively and be happy i tried hard to be happy but i have hurted peoples heart so i am not able to be happy. Please help and suggest some solution.

You're fed up with life? You want to leave your husband and go back to your parents?

You're a child. You should have stayed home to begin with because you're not mature enough to be married.

Happiness requires work. You want someone else to do the work for you and that's not going to happen. You don't listen, you do what you want, you're a whiny little girl!

Go home to mommy, be dependent on someone else forever. The next time you get married, talk it out with someone, because you're obviously not mature enough to make this decision for yourself.

My seven year old has more backbone and maturity then you!

Give up, you'll never be happy with anyone, least of all this poor man that gave you his heart.

Alty's words should be a stark wakeup call for you.

At least speak to your mother in person, be honest with what is happening. I hope she can understand and help you with even temporarily, by encouraging you to go home.

You're fed up with life? You want to leave your husband and go back to your parents?

You're a child. You should have stayed home to begin with because you're not mature enough to be married.

Happiness requires work. You want someone else to do the work for you and that's not going to happen. You don't listen, you do what you want, you're a whiny little girl!

Go home to mommy, be dependent on someone else forever. The next time you get married, talk it out with someone, because you're obviously not mature enough to make this decision for yourself.

My seven year old has more backbone and maturity then you!

Give up, you'll never be happy with anyone, least of all this poor man that gave you his heart.

You are right, I am made for no one, I have to be along either with my mom or myself. I am not matured from mind, I really don't no what married life is all about. I have made hell of my life and even my husbands,so I want to go away from his life and let him live his life ahead.

Shall I tell you one thing, from the day of marriage I did not receive happiness either from my parents or my husbands family, after marriage I had to come and join my office, is this a beginning of any married life, I asked my husband to take me somewhere and go for few days because I am not mentally well, but he says he will not send me anywhere and if I want to go I can go but can't come back, is this the understanding, I begged him that I need a change for somedays but he is not understanding my mental state. I don't want to blame anyone then myself.

Only thing is I want to be alone without any relation, the person for whom I came is not understanding my feelings at all. I think being alone I will be good and my mental state will also be fine, I need some suggestions from you, and kindly you please explain me is this the kind of married life in the begenning of marriage.

You're fed up with life? You want to leave your husband and go back to your parents?

You're a child. You should have stayed home to begin with because you're not mature enough to be married.

Happiness requires work. You want someone else to do the work for you and that's not going to happen. You don't listen, you do what you want, you're a whiny little girl!

Go home to mommy, be dependent on someone else forever. The next time you get married, talk it out with someone, because you're obviously not mature enough to make this decision for yourself.

My seven year old has more backbone and maturity then you!

Give up, you'll never be happy with anyone, least of all this poor man that gave you his heart.
You are right, I am made for no one, I have to be along either with my mom or myself. I am not matured from mind, I really don't no what married life is all about. I have made hell of my life and even my husbands,so I want to go away from his life and let him live his life ahead.

Shall I tell you one thing, from the day of marriage I did not receive happiness either from my parents or my husbands family, after marriage I had to come and join my office, is this a beginning of any married life, I asked my husband to take me somewhere and go for few days because I am not mentally well, but he says he will not send me anywhere and if I want to go I can go but can't come back, is this the understanding, I begged him that I need a change for somedays but he is not understanding my mental state. I don't want to blame anyone then myself.

Only thing is I want to be alone without any relation, the person for whom I came is not understanding my feelings at all. I think being alone I will be good and my mental state will also be fine, I need some suggestions from you, and kindly you please explain me is this the kind of married life in the begenning of marriage

Sonia,

I think either you need to take tal's advice, which is be independent in order to find your own happiness. ie stand up for yourself and do what you think is right for you. There is a lot of accountability in this. Do you think you are strong enough to make this decision yourself and be responsible for it?

If you aren't strong enough, then I suggest you go back home to your mum, she seems willing to look after you and all your decisions. And this seems to be what you want, someone to be responsible for your happiness.

You are right, I am made for no one, I have to be along either with my mom or myself. I am not matured from mind, I really don't no what married life is all about. I have made hell of my life and even my husbands,so I want to go away from his life and let him live his life ahead.

Shall I tell you one thing, from the day of marriage I did not receive happiness either from my parents or my husbands family, after marriage I had to come and join my office, is this a beginning of any married life, I asked my husband to take me somewhere and go for few days because I am not mentally well, but he says he will not send me anywhere and if I want to go I can go but can't come back, is this the understanding, I begged him that I need a change for somedays but he is not understanding my mental state. I don't want to blame anyone then myself.

Only thing is I want to be alone without any relation, the person for whom I came is not understanding my feelings at all. I think being alone I will be good and my mental state will also be fine, I need some suggestions from you, and kindly you please explain me is this the kind of married life in the begenning of marriage.

Roopali, you are allowed to make mistakes in your life, just like anybody else. Maybe you should have been wiser before this all happened, maybe you should have been stronger, maybe you lacked confidence in yourself, and expected that somebody else would make your life happy and complete.

You have learned a valuable lesson that will benefit you down the road, and there are some plusses here too. You have the power to live your own life, under your own steam. You have the power to make your own decisions, and decide what direction you will lead your life in. You are the sum of all your parts so to speak, and be grateful that you do have an education, and you are more than capable of earning your own keep, without being reliant upon a husband and his family.

Divorce happens in India, you are not the first, and you won't be the last, if you go that route to establish your freedom. There are consequences of course as you are well aware, from both families. You need to decide which is worse. Staying in this place you are in now, or moving on with your own life, and hoping that someday your family will accept you for who you are.

Only you can weigh the pros and cons of staying, or going. It really boils down to those two choices. There is no middle ground.

To keep regurgitating the past and asking whether it was proper or appropriate how your marriage started, or why your inlaws are the way they are, or why traditions and expectations weigh you down with depressive thoughts, and confusion, is not going to get you anywhere. It is what it is.

Go forward, not backward. All things considered, you have a life to live. Only you can forge your own way and create your own happiness. If that means being on your own, so be it. Not everybody was cut out for an arranged marriage, or made to accept a bad marriage, or marriage at all. There is nothing in any book that says you have to live a miserable life, no matter what you decide to do.

But, please stop complaining about it. You are preventing yourself from moving forward, because you think too much about why everything is so wrong in your life. It just is, and you cannot change anybody or anything but yourself. Your expectations of life, accomplishments, and happiness are solely on your shoulders, nobody else's.

I hope that regardless of the decision you make, that you can find happiness.

Roopali, you are allowed to make mistakes in your life, just like anybody else. Maybe you should have been wiser before this all happened, maybe you should have been stronger, maybe you lacked confidence in yourself, and expected that somebody else would make your life happy and complete.

You have learned a valuable lesson that will benefit you down the road, and there are some plusses here too. You have the power to live your own life, under your own steam. You have the power to make your own decisions, and decide what direction you will lead your life in. You are the sum of all your parts so to speak, and be grateful that you do have an education, and you are more than capable of earning your own keep, without being reliant upon a husband and his family.

Divorce happens in India, you are not the first, and you won't be the last, if you go that route to establish your freedom. There are consequences of course as you are well aware, from both families. You need to decide which is worse. Staying in this place you are in now, or moving on with your own life, and hoping that someday your family will accept you for who you are.

Only you can weigh the pros and cons of staying, or going. It really boils down to those two choices. There is no middle ground.

To keep regurgitating the past and asking whether or not it was proper or appropriate how your marriage started out, or why your inlaws are the way they are, or why traditions and expectations weigh you down with depressive thoughts, and confusion, is not going to get you anywhere. It is what it is.

Go forward, not backward. All things considered, you have a life to live. Only you can forge your own way and create your own happiness. If that means being on your own, so be it. Not everybody was cut out for an arranged marriage, or made to accept a bad marriage, or marriage at all. There is nothing in any book that says you have to live a miserable life, no matter what you decide to do.

But, please stop complaining about it. You are preventing yourself from moving forward, because you think too much about why everything is so wrong in your life. It just is, and you cannot change anybody or anything but yourself. Your expectations of life, accomplishments, and happiness are soley on your shoulders, nobody elses.

I hope that regardless of the decision you make, that you can find happiness.


Thanks a lot for your suggestions,
But still I am depressed and I think I will go mad, I did not listen to my mom with whom I stayed for a very long time. Now I regret for everything now. I think I am not capable for anybody I had to lead my life lonely, I did not give happiness to anybody, not to my parents and not even to my husband, I had tries to end my life, it cut my hand nerves but I was saved.

I am really fed up of my life, from the beginning of my married life I did not see any happiness. I had to spend some happy moments with my Husband but I did not get the chance instead I had to join my work after three days of my marriage. My husband with whom I did love marriage did not understand me.

Till now I did all the things for other sake and happiness and not for my happiness, I think if I hear what is good and what makes me happy if I take decision I think I will be happy with that and I will not blame anybody.

ONLY THING IS I WANT TO LEAD MY FURTHER LIFE HAPPILY AND NOT IN TENSION IF MY SITUATION BE THE SAME I SURELY WILL GET MAD OR GO UNDER DEPRESSION. I WANT TO LEAD MY LIFE AHEAD ALONE.


I ONLY WANT TO LEAVE MY LIFE ALONE AHEAD AND Don't WANT TO INTERFERE IN HIS LIFE AGAIN AND SPOIL HIS LIFE. I HAVE SPOILED HIS LIFE TILL NOW. PLEASE SUGGEST WHAT SHALL I DO.

Your question has been answered over and over again. Now you add information that you have already attempted suicide (at least) once.

You either aren't reading or don't understand the responses you have received. I don't think there's anything more to say.

All I can add to what I've said, and what everybody else has said, is make a decision as to what you want to do, and then just do it. It isn't impossible, or beyond your capabilities. Make a plan and carry it out. Nobody but you can decide which life you want, or make it happen for you, you have to do it yourself.

I have read of suicides in your culture because of forced marriages which is more accurate in my opinion than 'arranged' marriages, and I hope you don't see that as a way out of your misery. Waste a life over a disappointing marriage? Family problems? Not worth it.

See if you can't talk to an advisor at a University, a counsellor or women's centre. Speak to someone face to face and see if you can't find your way with a little local help from the perspective of having a better understanding of your culture. They can advise you far better than anybody here can. It is confidential and may help you make up your mind as to what to do.

I don't think anybody can help you here anymore Roopali, you need to move on and find your way, and do what you have to do to be secure in any decisions you make.

I hope you find strength to do that. All the best to you. Take care.

Thanks a lot for your suggestions,
But still i am depressed and i think i will go mad, i did not listen to my mom with whom i stayed for a very long time. Now i regret for everything now. I think i am not capable for anybody i had to lead my life lonely, i did not give happiness to anybody, not to my parents and not even to my husband, I had tries to end my life, it cut my hand nerves but i was saved.

i am really fed up of my life, from the beginning of my married life i did not see any happiness. I had to spend some happy moments with my Husband but i did not get the chance instead i had to join my work after three days of my marriage. my husband with whom i did love marriage did not understand me.

till now i did all the things for other sake and happiness and not for my happiness, i think if i hear what is good and what makes me happy if i take decision i think i will be happy with that and i will not blame anybody.

ONLY THING IS I WANT TO LEAD MY FURTHER LIFE HAPPILY AND NOT IN TENSION IF MY SITUATION BE THE SAME I SURELY WILL GET MAD OR GO UNDER DEPRESSION. I WANT TO LEAD MY LIFE AHEAD ALONE.


I ONLY WANT TO LEAVE MY LIFE ALONE AHEAD AND DONT WANT TO INTERFERE IN HIS LIFE AGAIN AND SPOIL HIS LIFE. I HAVE SPOILED HIS LIFE TILL NOW. PLEASE SUGGEST WHAT SHALL I DO.

Marriage is hard work. It's not sunshine and roses and constant happiness. You both started your married lives by going against your parents wishes, not thinking things through, hoping that everyone would be forced to accept what you wanted. It didn't work.

You started your marriage under the worst of circumstances, because you only thought about what you wanted. Now, all of a sudden, things aren't as great as you thought they'd be. Your parents aren't accepting your decision (which they told you they wouldn't) and you are stuck in a bed of nails that you yourself made.

Do you really think that divorcing your husband will make everything okay again? Will your parents take you back? Have you talked to your family about this? Have you talked to your husband? Have you tried at all to see things from his point of view? From your parents point of view? From anyone's point of view other then your own?

You seem to think that you have a right to be constantly happy. Why? No one else in the world has that right. Did you think that your husband would put you on a pedestal, worship you day and night, treat you like a princess and fulfill your every wish?

I've been married for 14 years. There are ups, there are downs. We've fought, we've had bad times. The reason we're still together is because we're a couple, we work through our problems, we don't just run from them.

The choice is yours. That's part of being an adult, making your own decisions. No one on this site can make the decision for you. I've said that all along. My advice hasn't changed. It's time to grow up and take responsibility for your actions.

Marriage is hard work. It's not sunshine and roses and constant happiness. You both started off your married lives by going against your parents wishes, not thinking things through, hoping that everyone would be forced to accept what you wanted. It didn't work.

You started your marriage under the worst of circumstances, because you only thought about what you wanted. Now, all of a sudden, things aren't as great as you thought they'd be. Your parents aren't accepting your decision (which they told you they wouldn't) and you are stuck in a bed of nails that you yourself made.

Do you really think that divorcing your husband will make everything okay again? Will your parents take you back? Have you talked to your family about this? Have you talked to your husband? Have you tried at all to see things from his point of view? From your parents point of view? From anyone's point of view other then your own?

You seem to think that you have a right to be constantly happy. Why? No one else in the world has that right. Did you think that your husband would put you on a pedestal, worship you day and night, treat you like a princess and fulfill your every wish?

I've been married for 14 years. There are ups, there are downs. We've fought, we've had bad times. The reason we're still together is because we're a couple, we work through our problems, we don't just run from them.

The choice is yours. That's part of being an adult, making your own decisions. No one on this site can make the decision for you. I've said that all along. My advice hasn't changed. It's time to grow up and take responsibility for your actions.

I have talked to my parents and they are willing to take me back and agree with my decision, even my husband said me in anger to go back to my parents and be happy with them and that he made a mistake loving me and taking me to his house, he is blaming me for everything nw
I no married life is not bed of roses and I did not even think that my husband should treat me as a princess. I just wanted him to understand me, what is married life in the beginning. He did not and is not trying to understand me. I told him that because our marriage was not done in good manner and that my parents have not acepted this decision I am not good mentally and that I want to go and stay somewher for few days, but he is not ready to send me at all, I am fed up of working from the beginning of my married life without any rest or enjoyment in my life.

If I say that I will go and come to my sisters place for somedays he says that I can go but I can't think of coming back again, but I did not say that I will not come back, but he has such intensions of not taking me back, he says now if I go he will not come to take me nor c my face again. I am stuck up very badly I need some metal rest or else I think I will surely become mad. I tried to make him understand my mental condition several times but he gets angry and stops talking, what do I do now, I need help, so that I can get rest for some days. Only thing is I have made myself very strong I did not think about my parents that they would think good for me, but really telling I am not happy with my married life. From the day of marriage I am only struggling and working in my office with no hopes of life further. You tell me is this a beginning of married life, did you spend your beginning of married life in such condition, I no I did not obey my parents but I was sure that I would be happy with my husband and he will understand me and keep me happy. ANY ADVISE.

Sonia, stop thinking about the way you think things should be. Deal with things the way they are. Rest is not something you are going to get, no matter where you are, until you find acceptance for what is instead of longing for what isn't.

Accept that right now you need to work. Start a savings jar or account for you both to be able to get away on a vacation. Both of you put a small amount of money in it each day (small coins) or each pay period (maybe more). That money adds up fast if it isn't used for other things.

Make your time off work all about being with your husband physically, mentally, and emotionally. Make your house your home. Take time to look at where you are and what you can do to make yourself and your husband happy. It can show your husband that you do understand HIS mental state and needs are as important as your own.

If you are actively trying to be happy and make the marriage work, maybe he will be more open about you visiting your family. As long as all he hears is complaints, anger, disappointment, and other negative feelings and thoughts, he probably is going to keep shutting you out and not listening.

Stop thinking that it is ALL about YOU. Start thinking that it is about WE or US (as in you AND your husband).

I think Judy is right, it's time to close this thread.

Roopali, make a hard copy of all the patient advice you have been given in these posts, and when you start the repeating thing, read them.

We can only offer so much, so many times, and then it starts to fall on deaf ears, as it has with you.

Thread closed..