Ok I'm going to try to keep this short and sweet. I got married this past summer, and I think my husband and I have a good relationship. The only problem is that no matter how intimate I am with him, he still watches porn almost daily. Yesterday for instance, a few hours after we fooled around, he waited until I went to bed and went straight to the computer for porn.

I have tried to talk to him about it. I have tried to convey how it makes me uncomfortable that I don't seem to be enough for him. His response was basically "too bad this is the way it is" and that the reason for it is that he doesn't want to bother me when I'm sleeping or every time he gets the urge.

I'm a really sensitive person. I know that I should probably just let it be, and that bringing it up over and over will just push him away, but it's really starting to upset me. I'm a little worried that it will only get worse, since it's already happening so often after 4 months of being married.

Any comments or suggestions are welcomed.

I am going to suggest that you sit down with him and have a non-confrontational discussion about your concerns. No blame, accusations, anger, etc. Just a calm mature discussion. You might want to think about having a mediator to keep the discussion from turning into an argument.

Try to work together as a couple to set boundaries that you both can live with. If he is unwilling to compromise, especially if you don't try to take away his porn/masturbation, then he may have a larger problem.

The porn isn't as much a concern as his dismissal of your feelings. I don't know how you broached the subject, but could his response have been a defense mechanism?

Porn in a relationship can be a really vexed issue. Generally, most men will look at something that is visually stimulating reasonably frequently. What’s that old saying, that men think about sex every 7 seconds?

Actually I think ‘research’ has shown that over half of the male population thinks about sex several times a day, if not more. So you can see that if he’s young and virile, why he’d want to stimulate himself reasonably frequently.

I agree that it’s a good idea to talk to him and perhaps ask him to think about your feelings in this matter. Perhaps he is ‘addicted’ and he just doesn’t know how to stop.
Perhaps it’s also just a craze, something that he’s into at the moment and it will pass.

The thing is, not to take it personally. Just because he’s looking at porn regularly doesn’t mean that it is rejection of you and what you have to offer. Many people masturbate in relationships, it’s just something that they do for themselves that gives them a buzz when they’re alone.

Remember, porn is a fantasy but you’re the one that’s real. He’s married to you not to the pumped up starlet giving the BJ.

I would suggest talking to him and letting him know how you feel. Let him know that you feel sensitive but you understand that he watches porn. Let him know that you feel a bit left out and demeaned and that you want to work on feeling less sensitive.

Loving each other means you make some compromises – perhaps he can stop watching it straight after you’ve had sex, and perhaps you can work on increasing your own sexual confidence. If you’re both having a great sexual relationship, then the porn won’t worry you as much.

I find it interesting that you were not aware of his preference for porn, before you married him. Any ideas on that?

This is something he does frequently to satisfy sexual needs. That is what porn is intended to do. That is why people buy it, watch it, get off on it. The women are props to that end, and it is a scripted, choreographed, predictable, and is designed to stimulate the person watching it. There is a lot of money to be made in the porn industry off millions of people who purchase it for the purpose it was made in the first place.

If there is a 'need' for it to such an extent that it is causing difficulty in your marriage, or it is causing him to expect you to be 'like them', or if he sees you as merely an end to the bulge in his pajamas after he has been turned on by watching porn, then it is a problem. That he says 'this is the way it is' is not a reason for his indulgence to such a degree, at your expense.

Where do you fit in with his pre-occupation with porn. Is it in addition to, because of, or instead of sex with you. What kind of porn is he into- S&M, snuff, young women/girls, girls on girls, men on men, etc. Does he also extend his interest to chats, phone lines, and interractive sex sites?

I think that if you were not aware of his interest when you married him, he is hiding it for more than what you may think.

If it were me, I'd do some checking, ask questions, and figure out just what you are dealing with here.

In my opinion, you have every right to be concerned.

Jake,

Usually it is in addition to sex. To my knowledge it hasn't extended beyond just looking at pictures and videos.

It's nothing exotic. He likes "real" people and usually looks for amateur stuff. Maybe that's what bothers me about it. That it's women he could be looking at everyday and not some fantasy woman.

I've been mulling this over and I think I may be making more out of it then it is. I masterbate (although I usually wait until he isn't in the house). I don't watch porn to do it because I don't need a visual. I don't think it would be right of me to expect him to never masterbate.

Jake,

Usually it is in addition to sex. To my knowledge it hasn't extended beyond just looking at pictures and videos.

It's nothing exotic. He likes "real" people and usually looks for amateur stuff. Maybe that's what bothers me about it. That it's women he could be looking at everyday and not some fantasy woman.

I've been mulling this over and I think I may be making more out of it then it is. I masterbate (although I usually wait until he isn't in the house). I don't watch porn to do it because I dont need a visual. I don't think it would be right of me to expect him to never masterbate.

Perhaps you can include porn sometimes when you have sex? You do need to realize that he probably fantasizes about sex with everyday women - most men do. As I said you're the woman that he actually having real sex with - make the most of it!

My one concern is that he 'dismissed' your feelings and concerns on the subject.

As long as you both can be open about your concerns and the other person takes them seriously, I see no problems with watching porn. However, if he shuts you down and won't even discuss your concerns to work on them as a couple, then there is something that needs work before he shuts down on other subjects.

One thing I learned while attending a Marriage Encounter weekend, in writing our feelings to each other, then exchanging notebooks and reading them, then the discussion - - was to tell the person how what they say or do effects or hurts you. You may write down your feelings, taking time to examine just how his watching porn makes you feel. Read it to him or tell him.

This would naturally lead up to the crucial point of does he care about how it makes you feel or not. If not, then I'd suggest counselling for you both NOW. Not caring sure enters the area of not loving; not true love anyway.

Porn is just porn. Would you be happy if he tried to tell you what TV shows you can watch or what you are allowed to read? I'll be you would noty be happy about it.

Fist off, he has the right to dismiss unreasonible demands... he is an adult... and not subservient to her. They are supposed to be partners.

Also he's an adult, he's a guy, guys like to see naked flesh. It has NOTHING to do with you. We are wired that way.

NOW if you insist on making an issue of it... then expect him to take offense, and pull away from you. Because no adult likes being told what they can and can not do in their off time. Looking at some porn is not equal to him banging the woman next door. Banging the woman next door, or down the street or the next town would be wrong. And THAT would be something you would be right in taking issue with.

It is a matter of opinion as to what type, how often, and for what purpose, your man likes porn.

If it makes you uncomfortable, speak up and tell him. If it is as meaningless as men would have us believe, then he won't mind giving it up right?

It is a matter of opinion as to what type, how often, and for what purpose, your man likes porn.

If it makes you uncomfortable, speak up and tell him. If it is as meaningless as men would have us believe, then he won't mind giving it up right?
I will have to disagree with this... Demanding a partner give something up over your insecurities... whatever that may be... football, friends, hobbies... is a controlliong behaviour. And wrong. Doesn't matter if it's the guy doing it to the woman, or the woman doing it to the man.

As adults your rights end where the rights of another person begins.

I'm only stating my opinion Smoothy, you can disagree all you like, but why single out my opinion.

I normally don't ever question another members opinion on anything, unless it is factually wrong.

I was always under the impression that the more opinions the better. Opinions, unlike facts, are what they are, take it or leave it.

I'm not sure why you did this, but if you want to 'out' my opinion in this manner, why not P.M. me instead. I'm a very friendly person. :)

p.s. I did not suggest she 'demand' anything to her mate. Only suggested she talk to him about his porn fun bothers her.

What it comes down to is this:

EACH COUPLE has to define what is and is not within acceptable boundaries for the RELATIONSHIP.

If neither partner can compromise on their position, THEN there is a problem.

Porn in and of itself isn't good or bad. However--Smoothy, even you have to admit that when one partner's activities have a negative impact on the other partner, then there's a problem. For instance, if he were choosing porn instead of having sex with his wife, that would be a problem. If he were choosing porn over going to dinner for her birthday--that would be a problem.

But in general terms--it's like cheating. EACH COUPLE defines where the line is for cheating. Some say it's not until something physical happens, others don't let their partner hang out with members of the opposite sex ever. BUT--that's defined within the relationship.

If the OP can't live with the porn, she needs to initiate a non-confrontational conversation about it and her feelings. If he completely and totally dismisses her feelings--that's a problem. Her feelings are still hers, and they're still valid--just as him watching porn is valid. What the issue is here is that NOTHING has been defined TOGETHER as to what the limits and uses of porn should be.

And--I'd say the same thing about football, shopping, video games, and eating.

Well I am at a different level here.

I have mentioned on here before that my husband had a porn addiction. I sympathize with her.

We had an amazing marriage, amazing sex life, we had toys and watched porn together several times. We did role playing. I am very open minded and was willing to try anything.

The problem started when the internet came in to the marriage and he started surfing porn and lying about it. If I am open to it, as I always was, then why lie about it. Seven long years.

This caused myself esteem to hit rock bottom. The only way it effected our sex life was when I didn't want sex any more because I was just hearing the lies in my head and the echos of his stories. If I was willing then why lie?

My point being if he is dismissing your feelings like my husband did then there is a problem. Period. If something truly upsets your partner and your not willing to make changes and compromise then where does the relationship stand a chance?

You can try talking to him from your heart and hopefully he will see it hurts you. Or maybe you can come to a compromise and do it together. But I have been there and it can truly be an addiction. I don't think he is at the addiction point. Be up front why it bothers you and tell him where your willing to make changes on the topic if he is willing also.

Fyi... I know already that I am so going to ramble on and on in this post...

I know generalizations are not good to make... but whatever... I'm not trying to cover all the bases just to make all happy.

My ex... the woman closest to my "soul mate" (and I don't use that lightly... she just rocked me to the core) hated anything visual concerning male stimulation. I'm not a big "porn guy"... personally, while it interests me, I think its too much of a "crutch" for me... would distract me too much...

But the point was that while she HATED the prospect of my looking at anyone else and being stimulated mentally she would read erotica without a second thought... no concern... and she had three vibrators, one big enough to knock out an intruder with one swing...

Her stimulation was largely mental and physical, and not visual... when push came to shove, a few double A's didn't hurt. And honestly, I find a woman self stimulating to be sexy as sin. She had more than a few videos of light sexual erotica. Nothing explicit, but enough tension to get her over the top.

But she hated the thought of me looking at another woman.

k... I think I'm willing to find some middle ground.

But my drive was always stronger than hers. And the problem was compounded by the fact that I was a "night guy" and she was a "morning girl"... which meant, in the end, that I had to adjust to be a morning guy or get nothing...

Now...

My point is NOT that you need to concede.

It isn't that you are wrong and need to bend to his needs.

What I would like you to do is just step back for a minute and think about you and think about him...

When do you find yourself most in the mood? How often? Do you find yourself driven hard or are there obstacles in your way concerning sex? What are those barriers? What needs need to be met? Which ones are not met?

What about your mate? When does he seem most interested? Is this in conflict with you? Is he an attentive lover when you find time? Does he seem satiated when you find time?

Honestly... I could be a completely satiated lover and still be driven to look at another woman... not because I intend to cheat or want "more" than what I have... I just love the female form and as dumb as that sounds its just the truth. Doesn't mean I can be a callous arse and ignorant of my lovers needs... but just as my previous lover could wrap her desires around good erotica, I can channel my desires around visual stim without straying.

I have never once cheated on a lover... while three Big Loves have strayed from me...

So...

I don't know my point... other than I want to help and I don't know if I can.

Most men I've known can separate the visual from the emotional concerning sexual stim... when a previous lover found a pic of "soft porn" and asked me "is that what you want"... my answer was mixed...

Honestly, I wanted her first. After that... I wanted to not want... and sometimes that meant self stim.

This doesn't mean you are wrong for wanting what you want.

I guess id just say, from personal experience, that I never, ever looked at a picture of an attractive woman and thought "i wish my lover looked like her"...

There is a primal drive inside me that makes me seek out the opposite sex. I can control this. Deny it. Feed it. Whatever. But it is there. It is what made him seek you out, after all.

My desire for my lover is not completely exempt from my desire for my previous lover... and my desire for my lover is not all inclusive... not the end to all ends. Which means he can love you fully and be physically driven to other ends, in my opinion. It means you can completely satisfy his needs concerning the relationship and its possible that he has needs that need to be fulfilled elsewhere...

Doesn't mean you are wrong to feel the way you feel. Doesn't mean he shouldn't consider your needs and wants. It might mean you aren't a good match or it might mean you need to come to some middle ground.

If you find him to be a kind, attentive, giving lover... all the other noise... might just be nothing than that... just noise.

Again... I've never, ever once been with one lover and wished I was with a different love... if I've been distracted by a woman bra strap or the outline of her panties it was never because my lover was not "good enough"... it was just a primal drive that is real and honest...

I like girls. Just the truth. And it didn't change because one girl decided I might be worth keeping. He also needs to not have his head too far up his arse. Its dark up there. I know.




Ok I'm going to try to keep this short and sweet. I got married this past summer, and I think my husband and I have a good relationship. The only problem is that no matter how intimate I am with him, he still watches porn almost daily. Yesterday for instance, a few hours after we fooled around, he waited until I went to bed and went straight to the computer for porn.

I have tried to talk to him about it. I have tried to convey how it makes me uncomfortable that I don't seem to be enough for him. His response was basically "too bad this is the way it is" and that the reason for it is that he doesn't want to bother me when I'm sleeping or every time he gets the urge.

I'm a really sensitive person. I know that I should probably just let it be, and that bringing it up over and over will just push him away, but it's really starting to upset me. I'm a little worried that it will only get worse, since it's already happening so often after 4 months of being married.

Any comments or suggestions are welcomed.

I'm only stating my opinion Smoothy, you can disagree all you like, but why single out my opinion.

I normally don't ever question another members opinion on anything, unless it is factually wrong.

I was always under the impression that the more opinions the better. Opinions, unlike facts, are what they are, take it or leave it.

I'm not sure why you did this, but if you want to 'out' my opinion in this manner, why not P.M. me instead. I'm a very friendly person. :)

p.s. I did not suggest she 'demand' anything to her mate. Only suggested she talk to him about his porn fun bothers her.Just tossing out my opinion... No I didn't single you out, so no reason to take exception to it. Many of us do it frequently. Nothing untoward was meant by it. We frequently may not be in agreement with each others opinions here. But I am a very firm believer in that people should deal with resolving their own insecurities, whatever they may be, rather than demanding everyone else around them change their lives and avoid dealing with the real issue.

Sort of like a person (just one hypothetical example) with a phobia to water and soap demanding everyone else stop being offended by offensive body odors rather than deal with their own personal hygine issues.

Just tossing out my opinion....No I didn't single you out, so no reason to take exception to it. Many of us do it frequently. Nothing untoward was meant by it. We frequently may not be in agreement with each others opinions here. But I am a very firm believer in that people should deal with resolving their own insecurities, whatever they may be, rather than demanding everyone else around them change their lives and avoid dealing with the real issue.

Sort of like a person (just one hypothetical example) with a phobia to water and soap demanding everyone else stop being offended by offensive body odors rather than deal with their own personal hygine issues.

Hey Smoothy and Jake not to keep this going because I agree with you both. BUT... how can she deal with her insecurities with this when he isn't listening.

How can she work on this alone and sit back and watch him continue to bring down her self esteem. Isn't a relationship 50/50. Isn't that what's always preached in these threads?

Why should she struggle through this alone while he just keeps feeding his desires and has no understanding of her feelings?

A fear of water or spiders is one thing to over come. That's an easy insecurity. When your loved one pushes you more in to that insecurity I think its time it becomes a problem for both, not just her.

As I have said, I don't think (in this case, at least) that porn is the problem. Frankly, I think it gets treated as the rug that other problems are swept under. Communication problems seem to be making the largest lump under that rug.

We can debate the whether it is insecurities or concerns, however, it comes back to he doesn't want to discuss any of it with her. Not knowing how she brought up the subject in the past, if it was with some frustration and confrontation making him feel defensive, then it might be understandable that he would shut her down. However, if it was non-confrontational and an attempt at a calm discussion, then this shows a problem with the way he is handling issues that he finds personal.

She should be able to talk with him about her concerns and he should be able to talk with her about his feelings. If he can't be open about this subject, then what other subjects will he shut down on or dismiss her concerns and feelings about? Money? Bills? Children?

Another big fat greenie your way Cat.

Just my opinion here, but to Sunflower, I do think that porn can be the death of a good relationship.

There is an intimacy, with another source, for sexual gratification, and there is something wrong (dare I say it) with a man who needs porn before, or after he has sex with his wife. There is something wrong when a man has to regularly and systematically incorporate porn, into his relationship, to either a) satisfy what he isn't getting with his wife, or b) to get sexually stimulated enough to be with his wife.

Either way, there is very deep hurt, confusion and mixed messages getting through to the party who cries herself to sleep after sex with her husband, who has returned to the keyboard for more sex. That is a problem.

That the need for porn has affected the OP in such a way that she feels insecure, unloved, and confused, is justified. She is very affected by his actions.

If, and that's a big 'if', he can tune in more to her needs, and less of his own, it wouldn't be a problem. 'If', he can realize that his 'harmless' activity is driving a wedge into his marriage and either curtail, or stop his 'meaningless' fun, he would be putting her needs ahead of his own, and it seems to me that he isn't doing that.

When it comes to feeling very hurt about the use of porn in a relationship, it creates a distance, intimately in my opinion. We can argue until the cows come home that she shouldn't feel that way, or she is the one over reacting, or she doesn't understand that it doesn't mean anything, but HER needs are not being met, while he continues to have his met with porn. If there wasn't a need for it, he wouldn't be doing it.

I have been married over 33 years, and consider myself somewhat of a success story as to what it takes to keep a marriage successful. Porn isn't in the picture, never has been, never will be. Maybe if the OP's husband just replaces his porn 'habits' and concentrates on getting what he needs from his wife, that would solve the problem right there.

I would think that it is he that has the problem, needing a sexual crutch, and being insecure about an open and honest sexual relationship with only his wife.

I don't think it is her that is inscure at all. I think it is him.

Just my opinion, for what it's worth.

Hey Smoothy and Jake not to keep this going because I agree with you both. BUT...how can she deal with her insecurities with this when he isnt listening.

How can she work on this alone and sit back and watch him continue to bring down her self esteem. Isnt a relationship 50/50. Isnt that whats always preached in these threads?

Why should she struggle through this alone while he just keeps feeding his desires and has no understanding of her feelings?

A fear of water or spiders is one thing to over come. Thats an easy insecurity. When your loved one pushes you more in to that insecurity I think its time it becomes a problem for both, not just her.

If he was berating and belittling her... then he would be responsible for bringing down her self esteme. This however is not happening here.

What if it was because he ignored her to watch football? Or heaven forbid... hanging out with his buddies a few hours?

See where I'm going here?

Her blaming HIM for self esteme issues is trying to offload the blame for an issue she is responsible for. After all... he loves her, comes home everyday to her... doesn't cheat on her... but that's not enough, she expects him to unreasonibly not gaze upon another female... so what's next... force every woman to wear a burka lest he be tempted to look, and she might feel bad that he did? Perhaps take it a step further... sanctioned segregation of males and females in public, like Saudi Arabia.


Actually what is needed here is that she seek counseling as to the real root of her low self esteme, and to work to feel better about herself. What others may think or say doesn't matter as long as one is happy with themselves. It is unrealistic and unreasonible to expect everything and everyone to conform to what YOU want... you have to find your way into the world were others have their own rights and behaviours. Many you may not agree with, others you might.

Two of the most important points to not lose sight of are...

You are responsible for yourself and your own actions and behaviour...

Your rights end where the rights of the next person begins, and vice versa.

Got to disagree with you Smoothy.

It is JUST as damaging to self esteem to be ignored for football, a video game, ALWAYS hanging out with the buddies over hanging out with you, playing sports, what have you.

Being ignored is being ignored--it doesn't matter if it's porn or shopping or TV or a book. If it happens too often, then YES, it is contributing to low self esteem.

Just ask any woman who's gotten out of an abusive relationship how the self esteem problems start--and I bet they start with him ignoring how she feels on something.

Look--you know I don't have a problem with porn, and I'm not blaming the issue here on porn. If he got up right after sex to watch football it would be AS big a problem. The problem is that he doesn't care how SHE feels about it--and in a relationship, you NEED to take into account another person's feelings. That doesn't mean she gets to demand that he never look at porn--but it DOES mean that he needs to listen to her concerns about it and make compromises. Just like if he had a problem with the fact that she went shopping every day, and got up to go shopping RIGHT after having sex, and ignored his feelings about the fact that HE thinks she has unrealistic expectations about her wardrobe and decorating their house because she shops so much. SHE could say that she's just looking, and that she has no intentions of buying, and she's just enjoying looking at nice things--but do you really think that he's not going to be thinking that she's unsatisfied with what he provides for her if she's constantly looking at nicer things?

It's the job in a marriage to support each other--which means he needs to HELP her with her self-esteem issues, not compound them by ignoring her thoughts on this.

Gotta disagree with you Smoothy.

It is JUST as damaging to self esteem to be ignored for football, a video game, ALWAYS hanging out with the buddies over hanging out with you, playing sports, what have you.

Being ignored is being ignored--it doesn't matter if it's porn or shopping or TV or a book. If it happens too often, then YES, it is contributing to low self esteem.

Just ask any woman who's gotten out of an abusive relationship how the self esteem problems start--and I bet they start with him ignoring how she feels on something.

Look--you know I don't have a problem with porn, and I'm not blaming the issue here on porn. If he got up right after sex to watch football it would be AS big a problem. The problem is that he doesn't care how SHE feels about it--and in a relationship, you NEED to take into account another person's feelings. That doesn't mean she gets to demand that he never look at porn--but it DOES mean that he needs to listen to her concerns about it and make compromises. Just like if he had a problem with the fact that she went shopping every day, and got up to go shopping RIGHT after having sex, and ignored his feelings about the fact that HE thinks she has unrealistic expectations about her wardrobe and decorating their house because she shops so much. SHE could say that she's just looking, and that she has no intentions of buying, and she's just enjoying looking at nice things--but do you really think that he's not going to be thinking that she's unsatisfied with what he provides for her if she's constantly looking at nicer things?

It's the job in a marriage to support each other--which means he needs to HELP her with her self-esteem issues, not compound them by ignoring her thoughts on this.
Ah... but see, that's my point. She would likely be so clingy that he CAN'T watch TV... or hang out with his man friends at times...

Obviously I'm not saying he camps out on the sports channel or with his buddies EVERY day... all day... (or night). In that case a spouse would have a reason to gripe.


I do see what you are saying Synnen but I have seen and known too many clingy women with no self esteme that gets upset when THEY are not a constant subject and sole subject of attention. What I am saying is in a healthy relationship, each might have a hobby or diversion that doesn't necessarily involve or focus exclusively on the other partner, lest they take offense to not being a subject of obsession.

But if he camps out EVERY day with porn, that's not as big an issue?

If it's 5 minutes, well... okay then. But it's not usually 5 minutes, is it?

I agree... in a healthy relationship, though, BOUNDARIES are talked about for hobbies and diversions. For example--if her hobby is shopping, then the BOUNDARY might be how much she can spend. If it's scrapbooking, then whatever time she spends on it shouldn't interfere with the time that should be spent on the relationship.

It works both ways.

I like going out for coffee with my friends--but my husband complained one time that I was doing it EVERY night--which left no time for him, except the weekends, which is when I do most our our housework. So my "hobby", even if it was only for an hour each day, was cutting into the time we could spend together, since he gets up earlier than I do and is home from work about 3 hours before I am. I mean, if I'm getting home after my hour out with friends, I could be pulling in the driveway just as he's going to bed.

It has NOTHING to do with WHAT the activity is. It has EVERYTHING to do with not communicating to each other how it's hurting the relationship.

PS--my relationship was nearly lost over a computer game. I tried talking to him, leaving him notes, seducing him with lingerie, starting fights---ANYTHING to get him to notice me instead of the freaking computer. It took me cheating on him to get his attention, that his "hobby" was fine, as long as it wasn't interfering with US---which it was, because he contributed nothing to the relationship except crawling into bed in the wee hours of the morning, whispering "I love you" and trying to start some nookie. That KILLED my self-esteem--I felt like I was only there for HIS convenience, that MY feelings didn't matter as long as he could do what HE wanted to do. So... I'm not saying he shouldn't be able to look at porn. I'm saying that IF he wants to be able to look at porn, he needs to listen to his wife's concerns and work with her to make sure she's confident enough in him to not doubt his affection OTHERWISE.

But if he camps out EVERY day with porn, that's not as big an issue?

If it's 5 minutes, well....okay then. But it's not usually 5 minutes, is it?


See, that's the rub... there is ZERO indication of him camping out all night every night.

Per the OPs post... its just that he does it at all. And well, I take major issue with that. Because of this simple point. Who appointed her Queen and made him the servant? What ever happened to equality in relationships and adults not be subservant to others?

As a wife she has the right to mention something... not demand or nag about it any more than he does to her about something else.

Respecting your spouse is a lot more about accepting and living with then whining and trying to dictate what they will do, what they can see, who they can talk too etc...

Obviously there is a reasonable area... a grey area... and an over the limit area... but there is zero indications that this has crossed into either of the latter.

[QUOTE=smoothy;2089536]See, that's the rub... there is ZERO indication of him camping out all night every night.[QUOTE]

All night every night is an overstatement, but Rockerchick does say that her main concern is wondering will it develop into something that interferes with the relationship. It may be a valid concern.

Some check favorite porn sites just like e-mail, to see if anything new has been posted. If he's one of those there shouldn't be a problem.

Some go straight for the kleenex every time they power up the computer. If he does, then it's time to look for therapists.

Rockerchick, you've said you talked to him about it and he said get used to it. Does he show any other signs of obsession or addiction? Even cigarettes could be a clue.

All night every night is an overstatement, but Rockerchick does say that her main concern is wondering will it develop into something that interferes with the relationship. It may be a valid concern.

Some check favorite porn sites just like e-mail, to see if anything new has been posted. If he's one of those there shouldn't be a problem.

Some go straight for the kleenex every time they power up the computer. If he does, then it's time to look for therapists.

Rockerchick, you've said you talked to him about it and he said get used to it. Does he show any other signs of obsession or addiction? Even cigarettes could be a clue.
She's creating an issue where none exists.

Classic case of making a mountain out of a molehill. If she actually WANTS to drive a wedge between them in their relationship, she's going to achieve that quite readily.

He's not spending 6 hours a night, spanking the monkey and ignoring her... and that's how some people seem to be responding like that's the case. There was nothing at all posted to indicate that he looks at some nude women on the internet every day for excessive periods. To some women looking at another woman in the grocery store is enough to set them off.


I see this as a passive-agressive behaviour trying to force another adult to give up their free will and freedom under an excuse of "low self esteme".

But we do really need more details about both parties from the OP. We really are having to make a lot of guesses.

Several viewpoints here, Rockerchick. Some assumptions, too. Which ones are helpful and which are off-base? I need to hear back before I go any further.

If I don't, good luck.

I think this post of rockerchick's has been over-looked:


Jake,

Usually it is in addition to sex. To my knowledge it hasn't extended beyond just looking at pictures and videos.

It's nothing exotic. He likes "real" people and usually looks for amateur stuff. Maybe that's what bothers me about it. That it's women he could be looking at everyday and not some fantasy woman.

I've been mulling this over and I think I may be making more out of it then it is. I masterbate (although I usually wait until he isn't in the house). I don't watch porn to do it because I dont need a visual. I don't think it would be right of me to expect him to never masterbate.

Rockerchick, you have my respect for not sticking your head in the sand and trying to ignore your feelings until a small uncertainty became a huge red flag. Instead, you are facing the concerns and trying to deal with them like a mature adult and not a sulky teenager.

This is (hopefully) very early in your marriage and I hope that you both can learn to effectively communicate your feelings and concerns to each other without worrying that the other person will shut down or dismiss those concerns with the wave of a hand. Ups and downs, disagreements, problems, etc. will occur. How you communicate with each other and work together to solve them will determine just how strong a marriage you are building.

I know that I haven't given a great deal of background information. Maybe because I don't want to drone on forever about the things in my relationship that bother me.

My husband is really independent and I like to think that I am too. I'm in grad school, work, have friends. Still, I realize that I am the needier party in the relationship.

The computer has been an issue our entire relationship. He is basically at it ALL the time. And I am not exaggerating here. He has dozens of non porn internet hobbies. I feel like we have very little interaction. I have tried to talk to him about it in a calm rational way. I usually get the responses "we would do more if we had money" and "i'm happy just to be in the same room together doing separate things."

My reason for going into all this non porn stuff is just to set the stage for the general situation. Every time I voice something that bothers me it always gets twisted into being MY issue or me being irrational. I don't really feel heard or that my feelings are being taken to heart.

Porn is just a part of the bigger picture I guess. It almost feels like the computer is an easy replacement for me. I probably sound nuts rambling on...

I'm thinking marriage counseling might be a good idea.

I think this says it all:


I don't really feel heard or that my feelings are being taken to heart.

I think you are wise to seek professional help.

I hope you'll post again Rockerchick, let us all know how you're doing. Best of luck.

So the porn viewing is merely a symptom of a larger problem rather than a problem in itself.

Be glad there's only the two of you involved right now. Kids would make this really complicated.

Have you considered non-verbal ways of getting inside his "shell?" Maybe an extended stay with a friend might let him realize what it's like to be alone.

I know that I haven't given a great deal of background information. Maybe because I don't want to drone on forever about the things in my relationship that bother me.

My husband is really independent and I like to think that I am too. I'm in grad school, work, have friends. Still, I realize that I am the needier party in the relationship.

The computer has been an issue our entire relationship. He is basically at it ALL the time. And I am not exaggerating here. He has dozens of non porn internet hobbies. I feel like we have very little interaction. I have tried to talk to him about it in a calm rational way. I usually get the responses "we would do more if we had money" and "i'm happy just to be in the same room together doing separate things."

My reason for going into all this non porn stuff is just to set the stage for the general situation. Every time I voice something that bothers me it always gets twisted into being MY issue or me being irrational. I don't really feel heard or that my feelings are being taken to heart.

Porn is just a part of the bigger picture I guess. It almost feels like the computer is an easy replacement for me. I probably sound nuts rambling on...

I'm thinking marriage counseling might be a good idea.Well anytime you put two people together one will be needier than the other... the trick is how much.

If you are still fairly recent newlyweds or living together... you will have the minor push and shove as each finds their niche they will settle into, and there will likely be some friction during that time. A good solid point to remember that will serve anyone that has to share a living space... is to remember that you each have a perspective, you each have your rights and you each have your expectations. And unless you have a strange Dom-Sub relationship you each will want to do things without begging for the others approval.

I'm not saying you can't talk about concerns, it never hurts to talk... but what I AM saying is know when to let something drop after its been brought up.

This can all be summed up in a simple quote "Choose your battles carefully". Or " Take care of the big things and the little things will take care of themselves".

Any couple will have minor conflicts and things that can be an irritant to the other. And if you focus on those points you will be unhappy, and the relationship WILL suffer as a result. But if you step back, realize you each have your own idiosyncrasies and don't hyper focus on the others while ignoring your own... you will find yourself with less stress and happier. Nobody likes being or even feeling dominated in a relationship.

True its not easy to learn, but everyone who has been married a long time will tell you that they have learned it.

I don't have any stats to back it up, and I really don't feel like looking for any. But I think a significant portion of divorces are the results of people that are hypercritical of others while thinking they themselves are perfect. Men and women both.