I met this man over twenty years ago and I was already married. He and I worked together during this time and he fell in love with me. I believe I felt the same way, but I was committed to my marriage. He eventually got married, but we never stopped talking and eventually we told each other how we felt. We were both married and had children. We never did anything but talk. Now, I am divorced and he and I are talking again. He is still married, but we can't go more than two hours without talking. This love we have for each other is the strongest bond I have ever known, except with my children. I feel like a bad person because I can't stop loving him. I have never cheated on my husband and he has never cheated on his wife, but we want to be together. We don't want to hurt his wife because she is a wonderful person and they have had a pretty good marriage. My marriage was awful. We don't know what to do. Any suggestions.

You do not know what to do? He is married for crying out loud! So you want to become the mistress here and the other woman in this triangle? If his wife is such a wonderful woman, what does that make you? He sounds like a schmuck and if you go firther, you are too. I would let call this off before any further harm is done. Once you move on, perhaps he will get back to paying attention to his "wonderful wife", or else he will find another woman to fall for his story.

Hi sizetack. Did your marriage fall apart because you wre thinking about this other man all the time or was it gone from the start? There's a lot to consider here because it sounds like you're lonely now and all this new affection is driving you where you shouldn't go. Remember there are kids to consider and like you said a real nice woman to hurt if you start seeing each other. He may never want to leave his wife and then you're still stuck with nothing. Why don't you just remain friends and see if there is someone out there that can really make you happy.

You stop talking with him completely, perilod, if and when he is ready to divorce and leave his wife and kids ( and then not hate you for it) he can come to you.

He is having both worlds and is already cheating emotionally on his wife, and it needs to stop.

If you back out of this, he will go back to his wife where he should be.

I met this man over twenty years ago and I was already married. He and I worked together during this time and he fell in love with me. I believe I felt the same way, but I was committed to my marriage. He eventually got married, but we never stopped talking and eventually we told each other how we felt. We were both married and had children. We never did anything but talk. Now, I am divorced and he and I are talking again. He is still married, but we can't go more than two hours without talking. This love we have for each other is the strongest bond I have ever known, except with my children. I feel like a bad person because I can't stop loving him. I have never cheated on my husband and he has never cheated on his wife, but we want to be together. We don't want to hurt his wife because she is a wonderful person and they have had a pretty good marriage. My marriage was awful. We don't know what to do. Any suggestions.
Sometimes you have to sacrifice one love for another. If he leaves his wife for you, imagine her heartbreak. I had a friend that had a breakdown for the reason of his wife leaving him for another man. You have to put yourself in her shoes to know the pain she would feel.

the greatest thing in life is to be love and loving back. Is it?
I completely agree.. that when your in this condition... u won't think that being in love with a married man is a complete sin or whatever it is, right?
first of all.. u have to know the difference between love and lust... some people.. even lots of people.. has misunderstanding between those two.. and that's the most important part!
lust = 1) Intense or unrestrained sexual craving, or 2) An overwhelming desire or craving. While love = love without condition, motive or attachment. See what I mean?

look within yourself.. I know its damn hard... but which is you? Lust or love?
its true that love will always lead to lust... but lust will not always lead to love...

do u have a motive towards him?
do u said that u love him but u never think of his position within his own family?

think clearly... ur a moral example for your children... I quote this from Silent Hill's movie, that a mother is a God in the eyes of her children.

u can do it...

He is married.

I don't think he will leave his wife and kids for you if you what you are saying is true and he has a good marriage.

Stop contacting him. Get out of his life. Move on from your marriage. Find another man who isn't married.

At the moment you are contributing to this man emotionally cheating on his wife.

I don't have any sympathy for you sorry.

Please leave this man alone.

IF he ever gets a divorce then you can see what happens. Until then stay away from another women's husband!

The best thing to do is STOP talking to him until he is divorced. Its not fair on his wife, he needs to sort himself out.

You need to break off contact since you have no respect for the boundries of marriage. Get your life together and enjoy being single and let go of the need to be selfish and intrude on someone else's husband. You are so wrong and I hope you can see that you need to get a life and leave his alone.

Actually he is cheating on his wife right now. He's emotionally cheating and you're his emotional mistress.

The truth is if you wound up with this guy you probably would be disapointed because you've built him up so high in your mind.

As Wildcat always says people want what they cannot have.

First of all, I am a good person and it is not like I just starting feeling this way. My marriage has been terrible for fifteen years and it was not because of this man. My husband was an alcoholic and a very verbally abusive man. I stayed and raised my children. This man's wife is a nice woman, but their marriage has not been good because he could never completely commit. I had completely quit talking to him, but he recently underwent an organ transplant and we both realized how short life is. He wanted me there with him instead of his wife. I can't help that. I haven't contacted him in five years. I called when I heard he was very sick and we began talking again. I do not expect him to leave his wife. It is easy to say stop, but it isn't you. I can't help the way I feel and he can't help the way he feels. Our children are adults and we never did anything but try to be the best spouse and parent we can be, but this brush with death has been hard to handle. I know this is hard to understand, but I was hoping someone could at least be kind and explain how I can do this (end this) without being so mean. This was my first post and I hope that I could try to put myself in someone else's position before spewing venom. As far as the lust comment, I am not that kind of person and I am old enough to know that never lasts.

sizetack

How to end this without being mean...

You need to let him know that the two ofyou are committing emotional adultry. That, while you understand his feelings, you cannot be part of the fraud that is his marriage. If and when he ever gets a divorce, you may reconsider your decision. But in good conscience you cannot continue to have this affair.

Yes, your children are grown, but just because they are grown they do still have feelings.

Understand that his children will resent him and most likely hate you when they find out. And believe me, they will. Most likely your adult children will end up being ashamed of you.

We are not trying to spew venom here, but you came in and asked a question about adultry and expected us to be on your side, the side of the adultress. We are all for marriage here and try to help people like his wife keep their marriages in tact if at all possible.

Just think, you could be giving his wife advice about saving her marriage from the other woman without even realizing it.

First of all, I am a good person and it is not like I just starting feeling this way. My marriage has been terrible for fifteen years and it was not because of this man. My husband was an alcoholic and a very verbally abusive man. I stayed and raised my children. This man's wife is a nice woman, but their marriage has not been good because he could never completely commit. I had completely quit talking to him, but he recently underwent an organ transplant and we both realized how short life is. He wanted me there with him instead of his wife. I can't help that. I haven't contacted him in five years. I called when I heard he was very sick and we began talking again. I do not expect him to leave his wife. It is easy to say stop, but it isn't you. I can't help the way I feel and he can't help the way he feels. Our children are adults and we never did anything but try to be the best spouse and parent we can be, but this brush with death has been hard to handle. I know this is hard to understand, but I was hoping someone could at least be kind and explain how I can do this (end this) without being so mean. This was my first post and I hope that I could try to put myself in someone else's position before spewing venom. As far as the lust comment, I am not that kind of person and I am old enough to know that never lasts.

sizetack

First of all, you started seeing this man when you were married. I understand that you had a bad marriage and I feel for you there but getting emotional involved with someone else was not the way to go! (Two wrongs don't make a right) If he knew you had such a bad marriage then why did he eventually marry someone knowing that you would be leaving your husband soon?

You say this man's marriage is also rocky. Why is he still married then? There is only one way to end a marriage and that is by sitting down with your spouse and letting them know that you're not happy in the marriage. There is no "easy" way to break off a marriage.

I haven't been in your position but what yous are doing is morally wrong! I don't know if you or him are at all christians but you will have to answer to "the big guy" someday. Are you prepared to explain yourself?

Bottom line... if he is that unhappy in the marriage, he would leave. If he cared for you that much then he would be with you!

There is only one way to end this. You need to tell him that yous need to stay apart until (or if) he gets divorced. You may be surprised at his decision. Only time will tell.

It is easy to judge others. I believe in marriage as well. I was married twenty three years. I am a christian woman that was raised by christian parents who were married over forty years. I would have never dreamed that I would have ever been in this position. You are right I did ask for advice, but I didn't want you to side with me. I know this is wrong, but I wanted advice as to how to get over this and move on. Instead, I have been called names and told that I do not respect marriage. Obiviously the people that have given me advice have never been in my situation. It is hard to give advice unless you have experienced a similar situation. I understand your position and I agree with it--that is why I posted. I wanted to see how other people have dealt with this. It isn't as easy as you think. Emotions are not something that you can just quit having. I have tried for twenty years to suppress my feelings and so has he. We stayed married, didn't talk, and rarely saw each other. Our spouses knew we were very close and we were very respectful of their feelings and denied any feelings we had for each other. The near death experience has just caused us to feel the need to connect again. We are not bad people. We are just two people that have always had deep feelings for one another. We can't explain it and if I could shut it off I would, believe me. I don't want to live this way. I know God has a plan for me. I just wanted someone to help me with getting out and getting over, because I haven't been able to do that on my own.

sizetack

Obiviously the people that have given me advice have never been in my situation. It is hard to give advice unless you have experienced a similar situation.


You're right... we haven't been in your position because we don't believe in it! "Temptation" lerks everywhere. It is whether you give into it!

Do you have a close girlfriend that can help you through this? You need support from your "good" friends.

The only way to end this relationship is... to tell him that what yous are doing is wrong and that you need space. You will be okay down the road. It will be hard but you need to learn to respect yourself! You deserve to be in a loving relationship with someone that is NOT married. Time will heal!

Ok the best advice on how to get over this and move on will be the same as we give anyone who ends a relationship.

Completely cut all contact. No contact at all ever again.

Lean on friends and family. Live a healthy and balanced life. Go to they gym, improve yourself as a person etc etc.

Please read the many many other threads on the relationship board where people have asked how to get over someone.

You will find loads of helpful advice.

Good luck!

It isn't being mean to end it decisively and clearly. Maybe we all misinterpreted your post, but it didn't seem obvious that you had in fact firmly decided to end it and simply wanted help getting over it. It sounded more like you wanted to explain why you couldn't just end it an move on. Please forgive us if we misunderstood.

STAY AWAY FROM THIS GUY!! You start talking with him WHEN the divorce papers are signed.

Think about his wife!! You're being VERY SELFISH HERE.

You like him now becaue he is unavailable.

I bet $1 million he doesn't get this divorce and is looking to use you for some excitement. Many married men WILL lie, cheat ans steal to be wit hanother women.

No contact with this guy unless he HAS a divorce - not a lie where he says he getting one.

I've never been in your positin because I know better. This is cheating - even emotional cheatin gis wrong.

Two things to do - would you ever tell your parents about this? Could you tel lhis wife this yourself?

It's wrong - get over it until he has the divorce.

I think if you truly loved this man, then you would want him to be happy and want what is best for him, which is his wife and his children. It must really suck to have fallen for a man you can never truly have, there are plenty of men in this world... just think how you'd feel.

Years ago I fell in this trap but it was only as a boyfreind/girlfreind relationship... I wish I could take back that decision to this day... and with marriage and children it is even more severe... trst me when I tell you I know it is hard but you have got to, especially if you really love this man, not let this continue... The best way to get ovet this is to move on... easier said than done, but you got to stop talking to him if it just stirs these up more, a thing my mom told me, IF you find yourslef feeling for another man tell your husband it has a way killing the seed, the more you keep it a secret the more the seed grows and the more it gorws the more likey you will be to commit it... IF you want help ending this, then tell his wife you have feelings for her husband... she will help you end the relationship... I think this man need to tell his wife...
I think the wife needs to know... maybe that's is stupid but serioulsy am I alone in thinking this wife needs to know what is going on here... maybe not... anyways you got to force yourself to break contact. The feelings may never go away, but you got to move on... this is not a road you want to travel down, you will end up hating yourself and it will affect your spiritual life... You do not want God's wrath on you for destroying a marriage, you do not want to be killed like jesabel. Tell satan to shut up and leave you alone, and go pray about this with a trusted prayer warrior friend. ( I gave tehchristian side of advice since you said you were christian)

Isay just tryand stay away from this man he is MARRIESD with CHILDREN you can not just fall in love with a man who is married and think that it is going to be happy, and this man is a disgrace. You both say his wife is wounderfull and you don't want to hurt her but your willing to risk breaking her heart by taken her husband, and if him and his wife ever part then you can both have all the time tospend together until then STAY away

Thank you all for your advice. As for family, I lost both parents two years ago. I do not have any family that I can talk to. I know this may be hard to understand, but my ex-husband kept me isolated from others, so I really don't have close friends. My parents were my rock. As far as his wife goes, I have called his wife and apologized to her for having these feelings, not recently but several years ago. I did what you all said to do. I had no contact with him and I stayed away. My mother and father knew that we had feelings for each other, but they also knew I would never act on them. If I have learned one thing in my life it is to never say never. Some of you said you would NEVER do anything like this because you don't believe in it. I don't either! We are all human and make mistakes. I was a faithful wife to my husband and I told him about this man. He knew that I cared about him, but that I chose to stay with him. I stayed because I had small children. I would have left because of my abuse. He never was abusive to anyone but me. I am a christian, but I also am truthful and honest about my feelings and faults. I know this is wrong and I am trying to make this right, but by making me look like a bad woman or the antichrist isn't helping. This really happens to good people and that is why it is hard to understand and explain. I posted because I have no one to talk to. None of you needed to tell me it is wrong, I already knew that. I guess I was wanting to see how other "good" people deal with this. Instead I have been hurt. I apologize for posting.

Thank you all for your advice. As for family, I lost both parents two years ago. I do not have any family that I can talk to. I know this may be hard to understand, but my ex-husband kept me isolated from others, so I really don't have close friends. My parents were my rock. As far as his wife goes, I have called his wife and apologized to her for having these feelings, not recently but several years ago. I did what you all said to do. I had no contact with him and I stayed away. My mother and father knew that we had feelings for each other, but they also knew I would never act on them. If I have learned one thing in my life it is to never say never. Some of you said you would NEVER do anything like this because you don't believe in it. I don't either! We are all human and make mistakes. I was a faithful wife to my husband and I told him about this man. He knew that I cared about him, but that I chose to stay with him. I stayed because I had small children. I would have left because of my abuse. He never was abusive to anyone but me. I am a christian, but I also am truthful and honest about my feelings and faults. I know this is wrong and I am trying to make this right, but by making me look like a bad woman or the antichrist isn't helping. This really happens to good people and that is why it is hard to understand and explain. I posted because I have no one to talk to. None of you needed to tell me it is wrong, I already knew that. I guess I was wanting to see how other "good" people deal with this. Instead I have been hurt. I apologize for posting.

I must ask how you know that we have never been through this.

There is no need to apologize for posting. Some of us have been in your shoes and are posting from the lessons we have learned.

I was the wife who was cheated on, both emotionally and sexually. So, yes, I sound like a woman scorned, and I am.

However, sometimes the truth hurts. There is no reason to make excuses like you are. I understand feelings run deep, and yours are. Feelings are normal, natural, and necessary for life.

It is not hard for me to understand isolation, since I have lived it up until recently, and am now, after 15 years beginning to develop friendships. However, I have learned to be my own rock. That is necessary in survival of the fittest.

I truly feel for your situation, really I do. But you do have to do what we all have said and break all ties. NO CONTACT.

It seems as though you may need to get a new support system, new friends... You are out of that abusive situation now... you can do better for yourself now.

You are "friends" with a married man... not good.. you know that and we know that.

Please do not fall into that category of "the other woman." It is worse than you can imagine!!

You can do it...

We all feel your pain.. its not easy and it needs lots of courage and sacrifices..
But u know.. one day when this is all over... u may look back and smiled... that u are able to get through this...

Thank you all for your advice. As for family, I lost both parents two years ago. I do not have any family that I can talk to. I know this may be hard to understand, but my ex-husband kept me isolated from others, so I really don't have close friends. My parents were my rock. As far as his wife goes, I have called his wife and apologized to her for having these feelings, not recently but several years ago. I did what you all said to do. I had no contact with him and I stayed away. My mother and father knew that we had feelings for each other, but they also knew I would never act on them. If I have learned one thing in my life it is to never say never. Some of you said you would NEVER do anything like this because you don't believe in it. I don't either! We are all human and make mistakes. I was a faithful wife to my husband and I told him about this man. He knew that I cared about him, but that I chose to stay with him. I stayed because I had small children. I would have left because of my abuse. He never was abusive to anyone but me. I am a christian, but I also am truthful and honest about my feelings and faults. I know this is wrong and I am trying to make this right, but by making me look like a bad woman or the antichrist isn't helping. This really happens to good people and that is why it is hard to understand and explain. I posted because I have no one to talk to. None of you needed to tell me it is wrong, I already knew that. I guess I was wanting to see how other "good" people deal with this. Instead I have been hurt. I apologize for posting.

First off, I am sorry to hear that you have no close friends and family to turn to. I know that I or anyone else here knows what your life has been like. I am sorry if I have come off too strong about people. I left my husband of 5 years because he was having an affair so like J9... I am a woman scorned also. Maybe I was just taking my anger out on you!

Now you know what to do and I hope you stick with it and move on and find a healthy relationship. I truly am sorry for coming off as "too aggressive" and I hope you don't think I insinuated that you are "anti-christ". I know everyone makes mistakes, we just need to learn from them.

Good Luck to you and finding a healthy relationship! Please keep us posted!

I am so sorry if my message hurt you in anyway I never new the exstent of how your feeling, as a married woman with a child I assumed you was one of these woman that just take peoples husband's without thinking of concoquices but I can see this sistuation is a lot deeper I see you are very low at the moment so I appoligize for my message before please KEEP strong there is allways someone out there for someone

Find a nice available man - they are out there - give him a chance to create those sparks.

This guy is totally unavaialble, and most likely would like you to be his mistress.

And don't tell you have this great connection - I've seen this a million times before. You LIKE him because he's a huge challenge. He likes the fact he can like and cheat with some one totally willing!

Dear Sizetack
My heart goes out to you
I am in a similar position. Life is short and when you meet your soulmate I feel this may morally override marriage, as so many people marry for the wrong reason. While it is important to honour other people's commitments, especially when there are children involved, it is also important to honour yourself, your soul and this man's soul. Some say that nothing happens by chance. When one soul is strongy drawn to another, it happens so we can love one another and grow spiritually. It is a positive force and needs to be treasured. No one owns another person, even in marriage. If the two of you are so profoundy drawn to each other then you are already 'married' spiritually. This needs to be balanced by respect, love and kindness to the other peope involved, i.e. his wife and chidren, but remember they do not own him. Remember his children will in the future become married and may face similar dilemmas. People need to be free to make decisions and be themseves, but this needs to be balanced with kindness and love to all.
The answer is not easy and there is right answer, only different consequnces. Also remember that this man needs to make his own decisions about who he will love. YOu are not responsibe for him being drawn to you.
Love Lana:

I have been in this position as "the other women" and I will tell you hunny, its not a nice place to be... To find out that your husband has "fallen" in love with another women is heartbreaking...

If their marriage is over then they will get a divorce, but their marriage doesn't seem to be over, and I think you should respect that...

Move on... Tell him that you will be there if and when he ever leaves his wife, but never give him an ultimatum or make him think that you want him to leave her.

I have similar situation in my life, so I can relate to what you're going through. I met a man 21 years ago, when I was single and just out of college. When we first laid eyes on each other, my heart felt like it burst out of my chest and I felt like I had known this man forever, even though I'd never seen him before. (He had just gotten back with his wife after a mutual separation back then.) Well in the past 21 years, I've been married and divorced, he separated and got back together again with his wife, and we've been there for each other to support and help each other through life's problems. I still feel that same "soul connection" with him that I felt 21 years ago and I believe he does too. Up until to now, we are just friends and have discussed many times that leaving a marriage for someone else never works. I've dated a lot since my divorce 10 years ago, but still haven't found someone who I feel that "soul connection" with like with this man. We've gone years without speaking to each other but always somehow seem to literally run into each other around town. It just reunites that feeling again that I had 21 years ago and I just have to let it go, which is so hard. However, I know that if we ever did wind up together, I'd want him to be 100% sure that his marriage was over and that he spent enough time on his own to grieve the end of his marriage. I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone, but for some reason this man was put into my life, so I have to work through this and figure out how it can contribute to my growth as a person.

disagrees: hateful
It seems to me that since you are the one making bad decisions and doing the wrong things that you are the one that is hateful, and until you get healthy, as I have suggested, you will never move on to a hearthier lifestyle. Make better decisions.

disagrees: too judgemental- and easier said than done... You don't CHOOSE who you love, that why it's called an emotion.
Your right you cannot choose who you love, but you can choose your actions. You have made a bad choice, but it is up to you to listen to a liar and a cheater or not!!

Sizetack I have sent you a PM if you're still about. Hope it helps!

To everyone that has posted a helpful reply - its great that you care.

To those who haven’t, please understand that this woman is in pain and needs help, that’s why she has posted!

She doesn’t need a moral lecture, as I’m sure she has and is giving herself plenty of those already.

She is emotionally vulnerable and even though you may have strong opinions – why not offer her helpful words to try and help her heal.. and not hurtful words which will continue making her hurt!

She is supposed to hurt. She made a choice that has brought her misery and pain, and this is the consequenses of her actions. She will suffer until she empowers herself to make healthier choices.

Ask him this... Does he love his wife? Not love her because she is his wife, but love her for the persoon she is? Is she the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with? If you weren't in the picture, would he be happy with her? If he is with her because she is "nice" and he "doesn't want to hurt her", is he really doing her any favors by staying? Is that why you would want your spouse to stay with you? And if in fact he does love her, then you two need to end your relationship because YOU are the one who will be hurt.

I just want to say - that if I was your child- I would really care for you to be happy. I would rather see my mum with another man , may be not even my dad- but happy and loved.
My parents lived together for 20 years, my mum has never cheated and never even looked at other men, but all this time I felt she was unhappy, because she was in love with another man- someone she met before my dad, but they were never together. My mum had no contact with him, so there was no emotional adultery- or what so ever. But there was just some emptiness in her marriage with my dad. I love my dad madly and I love my mum, but I felt it all my life- that something was missing there. I guess that sometimes life puts you in relationships, in which you are supposed to stay- for children, for somebody else, for somebody else's children and somebody else's feelings- but it's true- life is soooo short- and we shouldn't forget about ourselves too. Its just as painful and damaging to lie to yourself all your life.
I do think though that this married man should be honest about your love if he really loves you. If he wanted to see you and not his wonderful wife when he was very sick- its also for him to decide who he wants to be with the rest of his life.
I don't think you are a bad person, I think you are someone who has suffered a lot and I wish you so much strength and wisdom to get out of this situation somehow and I am so sure that one day you will be rewarded for your unconditional love and for all your pain and you will find a relief!
All my best wishes to you

The best thing to do is STOP talking to him until he is divorced. Its not fair on his wife, he needs to sort himself out.

Why should she stop doing what makes her happy... It must make him happy too. His marriage isn't so great if he is leading her on. I say fight for what you want. I too have been seeing a married man for 7 months. I am also married. It is very hard to be in this place. Real life "Fairy Tales" rarely happen. I think we should live each day as it was the last.

Why should she stop doing what makes her happy...

If being a homewrecker makes her happy then she obviously has issues that go deeper then being a doormat waiting for 2 hours here and there for him to come around.


It must make him happy too. His marriage isn't so great if he is leading her on.

That or maybe he's just a loser that can't commit.


I say fight for what you want. I too have been seeing a married man for 7 months. I am also married.

So we should take advice from a cheater and a homewrecker? When I've got problems I don't look down when I'm trying to move up.


It is very hard to be in this place.

As a loyal, caring man who has never cheated I'm going to say it's very easy to be in that place. It's hard to stick it out and make it work when the times get tough and even if it ends show some kind of respect towards the relationship or the idea of what a marriage should be by not seeing someone else until the divorce happens.


Real life "Fairy Tales" rarely happen. I think we should live each day as it was the last.

Did you empty your bank account and run up your credit cards on a spending spree today then?

Why is everyone so incredibly brutal here?


If people are thinking here that the "emotional adultery" counts, then may be an "emotional divorce" should count too...

why is everyone so incredibly brutal here?


The truth can be very brutal.

If she wasn't happy what was the reason of her staying she was just as heartbroken as he was.

I completely understand what you feel and you are going through as I am in a similar situation. I wish there was some miraculous answer to solve it. Emotions make it very hard to see clearly. Keep praying and asking God for clarity. Remember taking the narrow path leads to great rewards. Rather than cutting it off completely or ending it forever, just tell him you need to cool it for a period and then perhaps you will be able to gain a better understanding about what you should do. Cutting contact for a set and shorter period seems more do-able than forever with the way you are feeling at the moment I am sure!
Good luck!