My fiancé and I have been together for 16 months. We met through a mutual friend last August. We were engaged in July of this year in Italy. It was Very beautiful & romantic. He knew it was my dream vacation and made sure everything was perfect. He is a good man, however; the problem is: We lack the intimate connection that I think is Absolutely necessary to a healthy relationship and have not had sex even though we practically live together. We have spent maybe 4 or 5 days apart since the day we met. I feel like he does not desire me at all. We are best friends, enjoying mostly the same things, but it’s not enough. I’m becoming resentful and it’s terribly painful to continue in this relationship. I haven’t done a thing to plan for the wedding even though my personality is too take charge and have things completely organized by now. I am becoming distant and spiteful and I know it, and I hate the way I am acting towards him. I have expressed my concern and at first he would quickly change the subject, then he said it was because he is not working as much because his business is slow. Then just 2 days ago he hinted at the possibility of being abused at the age of 12. No details though’. I finally have had enough and told him last night; A. You are either not attracted to me or B. You are gay, or C. You do not know how to mix love & sex. Whatever it is I need to know how we can work on a solution together. I cannot stay in this relationship the way that it is. We are both lacking the skills to communicate with each other and it is tearing us apart.

He is 43 and never married. He has a past of being a “player”. He’s a handsome man, with many great qualities... THOUGHT: He has said that most women are whores. He said he knew by our 3rd date that he wanted to marry me because I was not a “hussy” and that I demanded respect. I think perhaps Madonna/whore complex…but I’m not very familiar with it and what is on line is vague. The list of trouble goes on and on… (I.e. porn sites, chat lines, which I think is being unfaithful on some level since he as inviting strangers into our personal lives, etc.) he is also addicted to porn I think. It infuriates me that he will spend hours with porn sites after I have gone home at night but he’s not at all interested in me that way. (BTW, at the risk of sounding totally vain, I am very attractive, and confidant, and successful, & I’ve seen me naked therefore I do not understand how he does not feel desire for me. )(I’m being facetious but I hope you get the idea) (We live only 300 yards or so away from each other and so far I am reluctant to give up my townhouse.)I stay on the weekends but honestly during the week I have to go home because the thought of snuggling next to him when he shows no interest in me, is just too much to take. It is not just a sexual issue; it is the lack of the intimate connection that I am missing so much. The knowing look, the chemistry that makes your heart flutter, etc.

Today he asked me to help him find the solution because he just doesn’t know why this is happening…He said maybe he needs Prozac; I think maybe he needs Viagra.  I am wild about him and love him with my heart & soul. Honestly I can’t imagine my life without him in it, but I am not willing to sacrifice my emotional well-being for him or anyone else. I will try anything once if there is a possibility of bringing our relationship to healthier place.

I agree with all of your concerns, and I think it is essential that you figure out what's going on, before you marry him.

Whether he has been abused, or has an addiction to porn, or has an erectile problem, or his thinking is a bit off with 'most women are whores'; any one of those things is reason to proceed with extreme caution.

He has a history that includes some well hidden secrets, and that alone could sabotage a healthy relationship, let alone a lifetime of marriage.

He is having his needs met with the porn and chats. His needs are also met by knowing he is marring a woman who is in an entirely different ballpark. Somehow he thinks it is okay to have it all, as he probably has for a good chunk of his 41 years.

I'd say there is a lot of work to be done in feeling comfortable enough with this man to marry him. Investing in a relationship with so many questions, and so few answers, may just be setting yourself up for heartache.

See if he might not be interested in addressing some of this with a qualified counsellor. If he can get the truth out, then there is a chance it can be addressed. He should also have a complete physical.

I used to teach a pre-marriage class, and you would be surprised at how little some women really knew about the man they are about to marry. Getting a third party to listen to both of you will give you some idea what you are dealing with.

In the meanwhile, I would postpone the marriage until you are satisfied that the man you want to marry is a person that you know thouroughly and have no hesitations. Good or bad, you need to know in order to make the right decisions about your future.

I am not a religious person by any means, but many faiths require counseling prior to marriage. I think they got that one right.

If he has some sort of machismo issue with "seeing a shrink," a shrink that wears his collar backwards might be an option. Many of the organized religion types have considerable training in counseling.

Just another option, but definitely seek a third party to mediate this exploration.

There are an enormous amount of red flags here and you're wise not to be planning your wedding. A number of the central building blocks to a good relationship are missing here - chemistry, trust, honesty and respect - to name a few.

I would suggest that this has gone way beyond sitting and talking to each other. Your man has serious problems that need to be dealt with by a qualified counselor. You're not dealing with a young man here and the patterns he has established will be difficult to unpack and deal with.

You are very right in refusing to give up your emotional well being for him, I suspect that this is a complex situation and one which will take much time and patience to unravel.

Hi All & Thank you fr your input. We have been going to a counselor (his idea) at a local church for about 6 1/2 months. Nothing has been resolved tho' to my liking. I am still in the dark. If he isn't honest at counseling how can you get help? I don't think he thinks he's "broken" per say just a litte bent perhaps and in need of "straightening out"... Im not sure what to do. I crave the closeness and intimacy that our relationship is missing but I alsdo value the rest of our relationship on so many levels.

Seven months of counseling won't erase 43 years of commitment issues. Your hopes may be a little high if you're looking for a June wedding this coming year. Long engagements may be out of fashion, but this time it may be the best thing.

So, you've been together for 16 months and been going to counselling for 6 and a half months and nothing much has changed. Hmmm.

Forty three years is along time to be the way that he is (whatever that is), and clearly counselling is not having the effect that you seek because his problems are deeper that you both realize.

Please don't kid yourself that you can change this man, and that somehow your love will redeem him and magically create the intimacy you crave. If the sexual connection isn't there for you both at this early stage of your relationship - regardless of the other good things - it is unlikely to ever be.

You currently can't imagine you life without him, but imagine how you might feel in 5, 10, 15 years time if this situation continues?

Listen to your guts and your intuition. You know that this relationship is missing something integral. You know that it is not giving you something you consider a priority - closeness and intimacy.

I would suggest that you need to rethink your entire relationship with this man, as there may be much more unhappiness ahead than you realize if you go ahead with this wedding.