I had an unplanned pregnancy one year ago and I had given birth to a pretty baby girl,but I was not really ready for that because I consider the fact that I most be married before I give birth.The circumstances under which I got pregnant really hurt me sometimes,but I had no choice than to give birth.I was so scared of abortion and decided to keep the baby,now she is 5 months old and really doing great.We struggle to live like any other single mom and her baby,but sometimes I find it very difficult to meet up with every thing of hers,I have to go to school and come back early because I got a baby at home,at one point in time I had to stop school for some months just to take care of her.
I want a good mom to take good care of this treasure ,she is all I have but I will not be able to give her all that she needs,so am considering adoption as an option.But not really interested to let an agency have her as an item for sale,or have an attorney dictate which amount to give her out on,all I want is a good home for her . Am open to any comments ,no racial issues,or marital status. Thanks

In theory your plan of finding a mom for your baby sounds good, laura, but when you think about, how will you screen a new mom to find out if she is the right person. You would have to do background checks, ask her about private matters, etc.

I don't know how you will let go of your little girl now at five months. It would have been so much easier on you and the baby had you put her up for adoption when she was born.

If you give this serious thought, you must ask the proper authorities, laura, before giving her up. You want her to go to a family who will deserve her and care and love her as you do.

Tick

I really REALLY do not recommend going through an adoption without either a lawyer or an agency to represent you.

You're more likely to get someone who wants to just "buy" a baby by advertising the way you are than by going through an adoption agency.

Contact your local family services, or Lutheran Social Services, or Catholic Social Services. They can help you determine what your options really are, and whether you're thinking clearly about adoption. They will ALSO screen prospective parents FOR you if you do decide to go forward with an adoption. Agencies do not "sell" babies. They take money from adoptive parents to cover the legal expenses and the expenses to the birthparents related to the child. You cannot SELL babies anywhere in the United States, not legally.

I promise you--you really DO want someone who knows the legal ins and outs to represent you. To NOT do so is to not protect YOUR rights in an adoption, which is just silly.

Laura,

Not sure if this is appropriate but if you are serious and looking for an adoption family please email me and I would love to talk with you. >E-mail Removed< We live in the state of Missouri and homestudy approved. Thank you, Stephanie

Laura, I wish you well in this difficult decision and wanted to share some information that might put your mind at ease a bit. Whether you place your child for adoption or not, as an adoptive mother, I hope that you will have a good understanding of the process while you consider it so that you can make the best decision for yourself and your baby. Adoption was wonderful for my son, his first parents, his father and I. It's not right for everyone, and you should not let anyone pressure you one way or the other. Take your time, ask all your questions, and make your own decision knowing that if it's made in love and consideration of what's best for both you and your baby, it will be the right choice.

First, please know that legally adoptive parents can pay for certain expenses for you that are directly related to your baby and the adoption process. These include things like your adoption-related counseling and a lawyer to represent you in the process. Sometimes they pay for things like rent if the adoptive parents can demonstrate to the court that it's an appropriate expense - like if it will be a newborn baby adoption and the birth mom is still pregnant, on bedrest and cannot pay her rent - they'd probably let the adoptive parents help her out. They cannot, however, write the birth mother a big check to buy the child, or bribe her to choose them over someone else.

Also, today, it's very rare for an adoption agency or attorney to have custody of the child at any point in time. You give custody of your child directly to the people you have chosen to raise your child. So they cannot take your baby and then put them with some aweful people against your wishes. Most American adoptions today are open to one degree or another. Typically, you are shown some photos and letters and profiles of families who have been approved for adoption, so you can get a first impression of who they are and what they are about. From there, you can just decide to place your baby with one of those families, can ask to talk to them on the phone, can ask for a meeting with them - whatever you are comfortable with. If you don't like any of them, you can keep looking. An adoption agency can represent you even if another agency is representing the adoptive parents, so if they don't have a family that seems right to you, ask them to find you more families to choose from.

You can also negotiate things like ongoing contact with your child and her new family so that you don't have to wonder what she looks like, or what she is doing, or how much she has grown. I write to my son's first parents every year on his birthday and send her pictures and a long letter telling them everything from what kind of grades he's getting, to how tall he's grown, to what his personality is like. Sometimes I send pictures he's drawn or stories he's written in school. They write to me, too. When my son's first mom got married, she sent us wedding photos. When she had two more sons, she started sending pictures of them. My son is now in high school and wants to meet her when he is a senior in high school. His father and I have made sure all these years that will be possible - we have a third party who has forwarded letters in both direction over the years. They don't know where we live or our last names, and we don't know that about them either. But when my son is ready to meet them, we have a way to ask if they also want to meet him.

The beauty of these changes is that first, you don't have to wonder who got your child or whether she knows about you or what she's been told. You can know what she looks like, and see that she's safe and happy and that you made a good choice. And if she has medical questions one day, or wants to meet you, you can include in your arrangements a way for her to connect with you to see if you also want to meet her. And if you want to just have a closed adoption where you place her, and move on to the next chapter of your life and remain anonymous, you can do that too. It is your choice.

No adoptive parent has to agree to what you ask of them, but if they don't, you can look elsewhere for a family who feel the same way about it that you do. You can also make a lot of other decisions about what's important to you in choosing a family for your daughter. For example, some moms want their child to be raised in their same religion. Some want their child to have older siblings, so only consider families who already have kids. Some want their child to live on a farm, or in a city. I knew one birth mother who had recently come to terms with being gay, and she wanted to place her child in a gay household - she found a family that would raise her child to understand and accept her in this way. I knew another woman who was raised by a very strong, older single mother - she chose for her child a woman who had never married, but was very well settling financially and ready to be a mom. It's up to you.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that adoption is a really good thing and there are many protections in place to make sure that nobody can take your baby or sell your baby or put her anywhere but where you want her to be. They can't mistreat you or ignore your wishes - it is not legal.

Also, you can always go talk to agencies and see what you think. If you don't like the feel of a place, or don't like the people, or it feels weird or wrong to you, you can leave. It's your choice.

And know, too, that there might be other resources available to you as a single mom, too. The better agencies also know about other options that are available to single mothers who decide that adoption is perhaps not the best choice for them. They might know how you can get some financial help, for example, or medical care for the baby. Under no circumstances should a legitimate agency pressure you into any particular decision - they should inform you and support you and respect your choice, and in fact, protect your rights to make the decisions.

Take care and God bless both you and your baby!