I was asked recently if it is common for women to have trouble climaxing. I replied yes. I added that younger women need to know their bodies and should not always rush it. And that "toys" are a great aid in this exploration. This woman was 27 and had 3 kids and never made it a priority. Amazing. She is a longtime friend and just confided it in passing. I was curious just how common this has been for our posters and veterans.

I am curious if we might attempt some orgasm success postings, with some things to consider including:

1) How old were you when you "sorted it out"
2) What method did you choose? Was it simple after that? Automatic?
3) Did you think you were not orgasmic
4) Is there a misconception about the female orgasm you wanted to share that might help other women reach that elusive spot.
5) What was biggest challenge? Was it psychological? Physical?

This info might prove helpful to many...

Ash

I think it is a great idea. I am 39years old and have 2 kids and have only just sorted it out. I think it would be great to help other women discover this wonderful thing, hopefully long before I did.

She said she used a small external vibrator but still no climax... just a tingle...
Maybe she needs something else? Internal?

What did you do? :-)

And after you sorted it out - could you every time?

A

I can identify with the 27 year old with 3 kids who sex wasn't a priority. Never had an orgasm til I was 30. Knew how to, but never cared.
So, #1. I was 30
#2. I used a vibrator, because my ex was no good in bed.
#3. I did think I was not orgasmic.
#4. My only advice is experiment and don't be discouraged.
#5, biggest challenge is psychological

Was it a little one for clitoral or a larger one for internal.
What was your "breakthrough"?
What was the psychological block?

This may be tougher than I thought to get answers - just like the big "O"

:-)

Ash, this is an interesting thought.

I'm just swamped right now, and only answering questions that NEED answers (or moderation!)

Let me get through this week, and I'll come answer for you :)

I was quite a young teenager when I had my first sexual experience,we were together for 8 years,from very early on I could orgasem,looking back I think it was just a fluk.. raging hormones!

In other relationships I could not reach orgasem unless I trusted my partner,and never orgasem with a one night stand.

For me,it starts in my head,if that's not right,if I cannot let go with my partner its not going to happen..

I suppose I was in my late 20's by the time I figured out what worked for me.

Nice answer "red"

I think we can create an invaluable resource here if more women share!

I did not have a serious relationship until my late 20's and had not even masturbated until then! It took me a year to orgasm in my first serious relationship, and it only happened because a friend gave me a vibrator - one of those slimline cylindrical devices for external use - and I experimented with it.

Since then I have tended to use the vibrator frequently as part of sexual intercourse, and also for masturbation. Orgasm has never been 'simple' for me, often dependent on mood and the external environment.

With my current partner (my husband), orgasms have been amazing. Again not always predictable but I have learnt not to judge the quality of the sexual experience by my capacity to have an orgasm. Both my husband and I have had full-body, multiple orgasms in the one session. I attribute this to the connection between us and the capacity to totally let go with each other.

An ongoing good sexual relationship and the capacity to orgasm is really not just a series of physical techniques or just physical attraction (clearly attraction is a component) it is also about love, trust and a deep connection with your partner.

Well said.

I have been "spoiled" by an easily orgasmic partner, but the older I get the more I realize how complicated and mental this important part of the human physiology is... I hope more people share so those that feel lost or insecure can see it is a process and some ways to get there...

I don't think that I am orgasmic. I've only had one orgasm ever since I've been having sex. I am 22. The last time I had one I was 20. Sometimes I get close to it but it goes away.

And I never played with toys before so I don't know if that's the problem

What is your relationship with mother? Father? Was your childhood peaceful? Does your BF try to figure it out with you?

Toys have helped a lot of people...

My relationship with my mom is great. Father is OK. My childhood was pretty peaceful. My mom and stepdad use to argue a lot and we would always have to move from place to place to place.

What do you mean does my boyfriend try to figure it out with me?

See I would know what kind of toys to get cause I never used them before

I don't have any girlfriends, so talking with others is nil...
I rarely climax with my husband of 25 years... but have no problem on my own
I've tried giving him hints, but he can't seem to get past his own fettish with my hair... lately getting worse because he has started traveling and we only try barely once a week... any help would be greatly appreciated

Any toy that stimulates you clitoris can be nice.
You might also want a penetrating toy if you think internal vibrations would be worth a try. Does your boyfriend patiently try to see what makes you orgasmic? Do you tell him what you like? Takes time...

I ask about parents because letting go sometimes is linked to parental issues and control issues... it can be a big thing to orgasm - as it means you are letting go. Your childhood moving from place to place and their yelling likely affected your ability to fully enjoy your time with a lover. It will happen though as you find peace and discover yourself... communication is KEY.

Another remaining issue:
For many, external stimulation of the clitoris can solve so much, but there are those that this external "trick" does not work. In this case, some internal exploration may help with it. A woman may know best on what they did...

I used to be envious of women who talked about the orgasms they had, it appeared to be so easy.

I think the articles that say about so many percent of women not being able to have orgasms easily make people who are having trouble, feel like it is normal.

I was always able to have a clitoral orgasm with external stimulation such as fingers or a vibrator or another sex toy though it sometimes took ages. I could never have one with penetration which upset my partner. I used to get quite anxious about it, as I really wanted to. I tried to communicate with my partner, though he just didn't seem to really get it.

I discovered e-books written by Gabrielle Moore, and Alex Allman. Fantastic! I read these with my partner, and it pointed out that there is a difference between women, and then depending on the mood of the woman, needs change. It also pointed out the importance of foreplay which builds the trust. My partner just wanted me to have an orgasm, so straight away he would stimulate my clitoris. I would immediately emotionally shut down, so then it would take ages. Both of us would sort or avoid sex because when we did have it it didn't appear to be that great.

These e-books talk a lot about anatomy and psychological issues that prevent women from enjoying the experience of sex. They reinforce the fact that we can feel pleasure now and that we deserve it and it is not something we have to wait for sometime in the future.

I have split up from him, though started having sex with someone else. I guess there aren't all the trust issues I had with my previous partner, though with this guy I have many wonderful orgasms both with penetration and with extrenal stimulation. As I have learnt a lot about my anatomy from these e-books I realise it is still a clitoral orgasm I am having with the penetration.

I am on the exciting journey now to finding my g-spot and what excites it. Something that I never knew was about the 'p factor' associated with the g-spot. I used to think I needed to go to the toilet, and then learnt that it is actually a reaction to my g-spot getting excited, so I used to get up go to the toilet and not explore any further. Now I know what it is, I tell myself it is just a reaction and it goes away in about 30 seconds. How could I never have known this? I am so excited about what I have discovered, I want all women to find out what it can really be like.

I hear so many women talk about clitoral orgasms by toy stimulation.
But there are those that their will not get them there. Is this possible?
Or do you think it is practice or an anatomy issue..

For me I have only been with three men. One was my first serious boyfriend when I was 17 and we only did it once then we broke up. Nothing with him. He broke my hymen so it hurt more than it felt good. Lol. Then I had what you might call a "sex buddy." we never really dated persay but we did have sex 3 or 4 times and nothing with him either. It wasn't even pleasureable with him. His penis was too long for me. Anyway, then there was the man that is my husband. Since day one (that's day one of having sex) I have had NO TROUBLE having orgasms. IT's quite easy and I easily get multiple orgasms in one session. For me, there really wasn't much to figure out. Just be aware of the placement of your body and which positions feel better than others. I have never had a problem with clitoral orgasms or g-spot orgasms. I can have both with ease. I guess I am among the "lucky ones."

I have read lots of things that say that some women will never have an orgasm. From the later stuff I have been reading, I believe all women are capable of having an orgasm. When you read about the anatomy, there seems no reason why any women couldn't. I think that for some women, the partner they are with hinders the process, or the psycological blocks that have developed with the woman. There are creams on the market that enhance sensitivity to the clitoris area. One I have used is V Cream, and it definitely helps in achieving orgasm sooner. The work has to be done on the psycological issues that are getting in the way too.

Nice post Iris.

Men take it for granted that they can have one, and I think women need to get theirs. It makes life richer... I can't imagine if I could never... waiting is fun... but never... I think it is a serious issue.

Iris09 where did you get this V Cream from?

Female Orgasm Climax Enhancement (http://www.vcream.com)

www.vcream.com

The second post was actually the same as the first post, though due to a setting which I turned off, it bought through the first one. You can order online. I don't know where it is from, though I live in NZ and I had it within 5 days.

Amazing how this female subject can get lost in society.

If men could not orgasm it would be all over the airwaves....
Ha! it already is! VIVA VIAGRA/CIALIS...etc.

I'm very in love with my boyfriend, highly sexually attracted, and the sex is always amazing while it lasts but I never climax. He's very good at oral sex and outward stimulation but no matter how hard I try I can't orgasm. It's a big problem for me because he feels like its unfair that I always make him fiinish and I never really do. He feels sexually inadequate. I've tried almost every technique but none of them seem to work :(

A few questions.

How old are you?

Do you have good relationship with original birth parents?

Taking any meds?

Any violence in past - sexually or domestically?

I'm 19 and I have a good relationship with my mother, but I never lived with my father or had him in my life. I am taking focalin xr for ADHD but it usually increases my libido rather than diminishes it. And no I've never had any sexual/domestic violence. I feel like I have a very healthy libido and sexual mind/body, but I just can't seem to achieve a climax. I don't think I've ever had an orgasm in my entire life

I'd say you hit a few bulls eyes...

1) You are young. Many women do not orgasm in their teens or even early 20's. It takes practice and exploration - often by yourself.

2) No relationship with a parent makes the body protect itself in very subtle ways from being too vulnerable.

3) meds for depression or ADHD can cause a different sexual reaction and a lessening often of some responses.

My advice:

1) don't be in a rush to have sex or an orgasm.. focus on education and future... you may be young still.
2) see a therapist about your dad. Meet him if you can and close the loop at lunch or something.
3) check your meds to make sure they are needed and also not overprescribed in dosage.

Does that help? :-)


Ash

I got my first orgasm as a virgin around 16 years old... with the flexible shower head. I started having sex when I was 18 and while I have had a couple of great sexual partners I can only seem to get a mini orgasm where the build up starts but doesn't peak and rush into full-body tingling like I had experienced with the shower. I didn't try toys until I was 24 and even then it took a while to get used to them. It still takes me time to get off on my own, but most of the time I get to that little build up then Its like my mind/body is done even though I am not really satisfied.

Recently I had been staying at a hotel room alone and got curious about watching some porn... Which I have seen before, alone and with a partner, but it has never been something I really got into. This night it seemed to turn me on and I got an orgasm quite quickly and I think it was the noise of the couple that got me into the zone more than anything else... I think it just got me out of my mind and imagining just enjoying all the feelings and not thinking about how I might look or what might be better for my partner.
I know it is very psychological for me since it is hard for me to just stop thinking too much and just enjoying it. I do currently have a great sexual partner and I have been able to relax bit by bit more with him but still no big O

s2tp:

Same questions as above...

1) How old were you when you "sorted it out"
2) What method did you choose? Was it simple after that? Automatic?
3) Did you think you were not orgasmic
4) Is there a misconception about the female orgasm you wanted to share that might help other women reach that elusive spot.
5) What was biggest challenge? Was it psychological? Physical?


1. I honestly don't remember. I'm one of the lucky ones, orgasm comes easy (pun intended) to me.

2. Any method works. I love vibrators, shower head, but with a partner is always best. Oral, fingering, you name it.

3. No.

4. Most women think that orgasm is only a physical response. The girl whose boyfriend thinks he's a failure because she hasn't had an orgasm doesn't realize that what's in her head is much more important then the spot you touch or feel. The fact that she said "No matter how hard I try" really brings it home. This is not something you "try" to make happen. This is a natural response that your body has if you're at ease, comfortable with yourself, your body and that of the person you're with.

5. I haven't had to deal with the challenge, but, from what I've found out from other women, I'd say most of it's psychological.

Did that help? ;)

The first man I was with just kept 'trying'. When I began learning there was more to it that the physical thing, it became quite a turnoff, as he used to be trying so hard that he would be screwing up his face. I used to keep saying to him that I would rather enjoy his attention etc. He always had my orgasm as the final goal. A lot of expectation, especially if I wasn't able to. And he felt like a failure for all the years we were together.

Did you try vibrators inside and out?

One thing to add... the "come hither" finger move on the g-spot can work when a woman cannot climax from clitoral stimulation... Insert middle and index fingers and pull up and towards you. It can do wonders if she talks you into the spot as you explore.

I'm very inexperienced; first boyfriend, 23 years old, been having sex for just 5 months, but I did have an orgasm for the first time about a week ago :) Before that, I did get a lot of pleasure out of oral, got all those tingling sensations, but didn't really climax in the end. The other day he fingered me and found my g-spot, and with very soft movements he stimulated both that and my clitoris. And it worked! It was so strong, my whole side was tingling for like 10 minutes afterwards.

I can hardly answer the questions at the first post, since I don't think that this will work every time, as I'm still at the beginning. I'm just happy I felt that even if it was that one time, and he was very proud of himself too :p

I guess I should try to masturbate more, explore my body, but where I come from, masturbation is considered to be bad. Such a shame really!

1) How old were you when you "sorted it out"
2) What method did you choose? Was it simple after that? Automatic?
3) Did you think you were not orgasmic
4) Is there a misconception about the female orgasm you wanted to share that might help other women reach that elusive spot.
5) What was biggest challenge? Was it psychological? Physical?

I have never had any serious problems with this.
1) I had it sorted out by the time I was 14 or so. My first boyfriend was when I was about 18 and I don't remember any significant problems.
4) To me, the misconception is that excitement is always clitoral and that ALL women have trouble.

I also don't believe very many women are "frigid." I hate that word. I think women haven't explored enough or their partners are impatient or inconsiderate. I think it's easy to get into bad habits with sex, including not knowing that it's not a duty you have to do. Don't put up with lousy lovers! The worst sex I ever had was with the best looking guy I ever dated. Yuck.

Sex should be something you can't wait to do.

I also remember a woman who could get "almost there" and then she siad the pressure in her head was "too much" - since pressure built in her forehead and she didn't know "HOW" to release into an orgasm... never solved that one.