I am a married woman. I like my husband a lot, we get on really well. He is older than me a lot, I start liking the guys around my age. And I have this crush over this guy for over one year, I know it is just a crush, it does not mean anything, but it affects my life quite badly, how can I get over it ?

I would suggest keeping your distance from this crush of yours and try putting more energy into your husband and your relationship - this may help keep you occupied, and in time, forget the crush.

I am a married woman. I like my husband a lot, we get on really well. He is older than me a lot, I start liking the guys around my age. And I have this crush over this guy for over one year, I know it is just a crush, it does not mean anything, but it affects my life quite badly, how can I get over it ?

The first thing I notice, is the fact you said you "like" your husband? What happened to LOVE?

Second, you are married, act like it. There's nothing wrong with LOOKING at other guys, but you are fantasizing. What is the next step? An affair? No, you should make things work with your husband. HE is the guy you married, so behave yourself.

The last thing you want to do is cheat, and that's where things like this usually end.

How old are you two please?

The first thing I notice, is the fact you said you "like" your husband? What happened to LOVE?

Second, you are married, act like it. There's nothing wrong with LOOKING at other guys, but you are fantasizing. What is the next step? An affair? No, you should make things work with your husband. HE is the guy you married, so behave yourself.

The last thing you want to do is cheat, and that's where things like this usually end.

How old are you two please?

I am 25 and he is older than me more than 20 years. But he is a very nice guy , I have never been that close to someone like him. I love him, maybe not sexually.

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Avoid all unnecessary contact with him. Since he works with you, keep the conversations as short as possible and only work related. If you are really committed to your current marriage, then focus on that marriage.

Once your feelings for this other man has dissapated, you will be in a better position to interact with him without these romantic feelings getting in the way.

If you're not really committed, then your other choice would be to divorce your husband and try to purse a relationship with this other man.

I met my husband when I was 19, we got married while I was 21, now I am 25. He is older than me a lot( more than 20 years old ). I thought age is not a matter, but for the last two years I had a four crushes on guys around my age, at the moment I am still having one crush. I know these are all just physical thing, all these crushes do not really mean anything, but...

We are very close , he knows all my crushes, and he says he understands, and he does not mind me having sexual relationships with other guys as long as I am not in love with them. I tried sexual relationship with a guy once , but I do not like it that much, I know that is not what I really want.

I left my husband once for a few days , but I came back , I missed him a lot , and I hate being on my own , I never ever live on my own before...

What should I do ? Pleae??

I think you have a few problems here -
Firstly you have been with your husband for 6 years yet 4 of these years you have had "crushes" on other men. So only 2 years out of 6 have you ever given your marriage a full 100%.

Your husband does not mind you having sexual encounters with other men? I am sure deep down he will mind?

You left your husband but you missed him?

Is the reason that you no longer want to be with your husband but are scared to be alone or is that your husband is that scared of losing you he is going to turn a blind eye if you see another man?

I think you need to really take a look at your marriage as you have many problems that need to be addressed.

Either you want to be with your husband and this includes being faithful ! Or not and you should leave !

Sometimes, you need to ask yourself, what do you want to do in life? It's never too late to go to school.. even vocational training. Don't be stuck at home when you're feeling like you're missing something. It doesn't sound like you and your husband have an issues with abuse, and he sounds pretty resonable. Start doing some research on some careers that interest you. Like, beauty school, cousiling, graphic design, massage therapist, accounting! Everything is out there, and these programs are really short, like 8 months. This will get you out in the world, and make you independent and selfsufficient! You have to have control in you're life and a career does that best. Then, when you're on your feet you won't have to worry about being forced into staying with anyone! You'll be doning what you love, and you won't have to rely on anyone.

I don't know if your situation is sustainable. You got married very young, to someone that is considerably older because you don't want to be alone. He sounds like a pseudo father, not like a husband.

If you're attracted to other guys, it's because something is lacking in your marriage - it's all very well for your husband to say you can can have sex with other guys, but this won't work over the long term.

Yes, it's safe to be with him at the moment - he provides you with company and tacit approval of your crushes. But, this isn't a committed marriage and eventually you'll both be hurt.

Either make a commitment to really being with your husband, or leave. It isn't working the way you're doing it at the moment!

Thanks you very much :)

I am so glad I found this website...

My husband is my best friend, we get on very well.
But we want different things. He wants travel around, I wants settle down in one place , have a family. And I have lost all the sexual attraction towards him,( we have a huge age gap) Do I love him??

No one could answer that for you.

How long have you two been married/together?

Have you sought counselling?

Sarah

This should have been added to your current thread to help keep your story straight. They probably will be merged.

As mudweiser said, only you know how you feel. We can tell you what we think love is which will be as varied as the number of posters on this site.

Let's start with what do you think love is?

No one could answer that for you.

How long have you two been married/together?

Have you sought counselling?

Sarah

We have been together for six years.
No, we have not been counselling.

This should have been added to your current thread to help keep your story straight. They probably will be merged.

As mudweiser said, only you know how you feel. We can tell you what we think love is which will be as varied as the number of posters on this site.

Let's start with what do you think love is?

Sorry,I don't know.

Now that I've seen the whole picture I'm going to be blunt.

Yes I do think you should leave your husband.

You were 19, still young! Of course you've had 4 crushes, cripes, being married that young really fires back at you later. Some may disagree but hey that's my opinion.

You don't even know how it is to be on your own and that's no good. Trust me I was in your position a while back, if look through my threads you'll dig up some pretty raunchy stuff.

You NEED to know what it is like to me alone. I personally don't think you love him. I think you "need him". He is more of a crutch than a person you love.

An open marriage [him letting you sex it up with other men] are for strong couples. I think he said that so he wouldn't "lose" you. Ironically, he's already lost you. You were 19 at the time, I'm sure he sensed the day you would wake up.

Moving out and living on your own ain't easy, but I believe you need that lesson in your life in order to grow. You haven't grown, you've been stuck for a while now.

So my opinion is to leave the relationship.

I'm expecting some reddies but this is just my opinion.

Sarah

While I do believe that a person can get married at 19 and work with his/her mate to build a great relationship, I don't think you and your husband are heading in the same direction.

You ask about love, but have no idea of what you think love is. That is a red flag.

Can you answer this question: Why did you marry him?

Now that I've seen the whole picture I'm going to be blunt.

Yes I do think you should leave your husband.

You were 19, still young! Of course you've had 4 crushes, cripes, being married that young really fires back at you later. Some may disagree but hey that's my opinion.

You don't even know how it is to be on your own and that's no good. Trust me I was in your position a while back, if look through my threads you'll dig up some pretty raunchy stuff.

You NEED to know what it is like to me alone. I personally don't think you love him. I think you "need him". He is more of a crutch than a person you love.

An open marriage [him letting you sex it up with other men] are for strong couples. I think he said that so he wouldn't "lose" you. Ironicly, he's already lost you. You were 19 at the time, I'm sure he sensed the day you would wake up.

Moving out and living on your own ain't easy, but I believe you need that lesson in your life in order to grow. You haven't grown, you've been stuck for a while now.

So my opinion is to leave the relationship.

I'm expecting some reddies but this is just my opinion.

Sarah

I don't love him??

While I do believe that a person can get married at 19 and work with his/her mate to build a great relationship, I don't think you and your husband are heading in the same direction.

You ask about love, but have no idea of what you think love is. That is a red flag.

Can you answer this question: Why did you marry him?

He is a really nice guy, and he understands me, I have never been that close to a man like that. I feel really comfortable around him, other guys just make me really nervous.

I don't love him???

Nope. I don't think you do.

You came back to him not because of love but fear of being alone.

Sarah

He is a really nice guy, and he understands me, I have never been that close to a man like that. I feel really comfortable around him, other guys just make me really nervous.

How many other men/boys did you date before you married him? For that matter, how long did you date him before you got married?

I am sort of having a problem with your husband letting you sleep around with other guys. Does he have a erectile dysfunction? If this is the case, maybe you should try some sort of medication. But, you did also mentioned that you are not attracted to him physically. Marriage isn't all about just sex. It's about being together. You've slept with other guys, but you didn't like it. Maybe you have mixed feelings about what marriage is. Real marriage is not like the ones in the movies. Couples don't always have sex to be in love and in marriage. You also said you'd like to settle down, but your actions are compeletely opposite. You left, but came back to your husband because you don't want to be lonely. Did you came back because what he provided for you? Or is it because he is so understanding that you felt guilty? And did you came to this site for people to tell you that it is o.k. for you to leave your husband? No one can tell you what you want. You either leave your husband because you want to or stay and work it out because it is right thing to do.

How many other men/boys did you date before you married him? For that matter, how long did you date him before you got married?

He is the only proper one. We had been together for six months before we got married.

He is the only proper one. We had been together for six months before we got married.

That really wasn't very long to get to know him (and to understand the repercussions of the age difference) before marrying him.

I can understand the feeling of being 'comfortable' with him and for someone who wants to settle down and build a family that feeling is very important. However, I think you have not been feeling as satisfied in this marriage as you would be in one that went through the strong feelings that make you 'feel nervous'. I think you have been trying to fill an emotional void by having sexual relationships outside your marriage.

I am going to recommend that you go to marriage counseling not to 'save' the marriage, but to get help in amicably dissolving it. I also think you need separate individual counseling to give yourself the resources you need to be on your own.

I hope someday you find yourself and someone who you can love with all of your being and who loves you the same way.

This was a marriage of convience for you and opportunity for him,convience wears off faster than opportunity.You are throwing some very good years of you'r life away playing house with this guy.Can you picture yourself with him and kids 20 yrs from now?or even 10?
Most men that will allow you to run all over them get real pshyco when you try to leave them be careful!!

That really wasn't very long to get to know him (and to understand the repercussions of the age difference) before marrying him.

I can understand the feeling of being 'comfortable' with him and for someone who wants to settle down and build a family that feeling is very important. However, I think you have not been feeling as satisfied in this marriage as you would be in one that went through the strong feelings that make you 'feel nervous'. I think you have been trying to fill an emotional void by having sexual relationships outside your marriage.

I am going to recommend that you go to marriage counseling not to 'save' the marriage, but to get help in amicably dissolving it. I also think you need separate individual counseling to give yourself the resources you need to be on your own.

I hope someday you find yourself and someone who you can love with all of your being and who loves you the same way.

Thank you:)

I am sort of having a problem with your husband letting you sleep around with other guys. Does he have a erectile dysfunction? If this is the case, maybe you should try some sort of medication. But, you did also mentioned that you are not attracted to him physically. Marriage isn't all about just sex. It's about being together. You've slept with other guys, but you didn't like it. Maybe you have mixed feelings about what marriage is. Real marriage is not like the ones in the movies. Couples don't always have sex to be in love and in marriage. You also said you'd like to settle down, but your actions are compeletely opposit. You left, but came back to your husband because you don't want to be lonely. Did you came back because what he provided for you? Or is it because he is so understanding that you felt guilty? And did you came to this site for people to tell you that it is o.k. for you to leave your husband? No one can tell you what you want. You either leave your husband because you want to or stay and work it out because it is right thing to do.

How can you know whether it is the right thing to do??

No one can tell you that you staying with your husband is right thing to do. What are your marital values? What do you want? If you are staying with your husband because he provides for you and because you feel guilty because he is so understanding, but you never said you loved him. Do you love him? If the answer is no, then yes, get out of the marriage. Loveless marriage is no better than two strangers living together. Marriage takes two people in love. No matter how much your husband loves and try to understand your childish behavior, he cannot make you love him.

I think he probably either loves you very much, and is just as confused as you are, or he's having a fling on the side. He's in at least his 40's, and hardly old enough to not enjoy sex. When a man says to have sex with other men, most likely, in my opinion, he's either guilty of infidelity himself, or he has a problem.

The problem may be erectile dysfunction as somebody has already pointed out. Seems to me that should be ruled out before you hop into the sack with another man. Counselling is a very good option for you while you are still trying to figure out what to do. No doubt he is at a loss himself, and the two of you need to sit down and figure it out with a marriage counsellor.

One thing is for certain. If the sex has become the focal point of whether to keep the marriage going, then you are missing a whole bunch of the between stuff. There are reasons couples lose intimacy in their relationship and that is what you need to find out.

That aside, marriage isn't all about sex! It has nothing to do with you justifying sleeping with men, because he is so much older than you, or that you got married too young. If it is only your insecurities keeping you there, then you are being unfair to yourself, and unfair to him.

If you want the marriage to work, get into marriage counselling and figure out what the problems are. If you want your freedom and want out, then don't use him as a comfort blanket, and let him get on with his life also.

WOW!! I have seen some age difference marriages before, Usually it doesn't work out.

When you are 40, can you picture yourself with a 60 year old man.

Like one of the other poster said, I think you are afraid to be alone and getting your own life. That is fine... but what you are wasting is TIME and the possibility of meaning someone that is suitable for you.

I ex was 20 years older than me, my current boy friend is the same way. I divorced my ex because he was abusive, but my friend and I have no problem getting along and love each other madly (5yrs together and strong). The age really has nothing to do with having a good marriage. I also think that sex is much better with older man, they want to please woman more. I am 38 and my boyfriend is over 50's. I would not change a bit.

Marriages can work out with large age differences, but they really can't survive infidelity. He may be telling you that it's okay for you to sleep around in an effort to keep you, but believe it when I say that he is really hurting bad inside at your decisions. It's not fair to him for you to even want to sleep around. You need to get your head on straight ..... perhaps a separation would help you decide what you really want.

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Do you need to find yourself before you get into any relationship?
When can you find yourself?
How long will it take?

I think most of us find ourselves just by living, and growing, and learning. We try things, and make mistakes, and try other things until we see a way to be happy with who we are.

For some of us it's a lifetime journey that never ends, but we can get comfortable with the direction we are on, and be sure of the path we follow.

I think the point is to be able to survive what life throws at you, and keep striving for your own happiness.

I guess how long you take to be happy with yourself, and what your doing, is what determines how long it will take you to get there.

There are no set answers, or timetables to follow, you have to judge that for yourself.