Ok... a little background. My wife likes to hold onto pain and anger without letting anyone know why she is angry. I know when something happened when she becomes irritable. The irritability quickly turns to becoming critical of things I do. It is then a succession of one criticism after another (like 10-15 criticisms within 15 minutes) until I say something like, "Baby, you are being very critical of me...what is the issue you are trying to handle on your own." As soon as I say something about her being critical of me, she freaks and instead of just dealing with what is bothering her, or her just apologizing for being hyper-critical, she finds another criticism to exploit and makes a huge deal out of the way I said , "...you are being very critical of me..." She says I am assigning blame and accusing her of being critical. Sooo, instead of just acknowledging the fact that she has jumped all over me for 20 or 30 minutes because she is choosing to hold onto her own personal pain about something that happened at work or something I did or just generally feeling down, she opts to further criticise me and deflects the issue at hand by focusing on the way I brought up her criticism. So, in my eyes, she has basically said, "I dont care about your issue about how I am treating you, I want to keep treating you this way."

This is inevitably followed up by her saying things she does not mean and fleeing.

Case in point. Just yesterday I came home at 5 pm from work. All day I was getting e mails from her saying how much she missed me and how she couldn't wait until I got home... the lovey e mails turned into lovey texts on my way home too... I came in the door all sorts of happy. I hung my work keys on the back of a door and she asked me to hang my belt in the other closet. I told her that I didn't wear a belt, that I hung my keys on the back of the door, where I always keep them. She seemed to get angered by the fact that she was wrong in her assumption that I had not worn a belt. I then went over and gave her a kiss and asked her how her day was. I took off my shirt and placed it into the hamper, she said something like, "Damn you, I just did a load of whites." Not a big deal... sort of 2 criticisms back to back, the belt and the shirt... I was still beaming from all the lovey texts and e mails. Then I fed the dogs. Criticism #3 was that I fed them too much. I let that one go as well... noting that there had been 3 criticisms in a row. That means there is an issue that needs to be dealt with. We were about to go to a Halloween party, so I was just trying to do damage control and have a nice night, so I became apologetic about the dog food. I got dressed. She was already dressed. We left for the party. On the way, she was very critical about my driving. Turn signals, rolling stops... etc. I took them all in stride... noting that there was definitely an issue, but still decided that maybe after the party would be a better time to bring the issue up. While driving and amid the driving criticisms, I asked her if she did anything else earlier in the day other than a load of whites... just trying to make short talk. She barked at me and criticized me for insinuating that I thought she was lazy. I then told her that I was only asking what she did that day and reminded her that I reward her the same if she sleeps in until I get home or if she is busy from dawn until dusk. Then I get a call and I am on a major road, it is raining and I am in a bad mood, so I let it go to voice mail. I get to a red light and listen to my voice mail and it is another couple asking us out to dinner. She thinks I should let them know that we have other plans. I tell her that I will call them back when we get off the highway. We pull into the section of where the Halloween party is... I call the people who just called me to let them know we have other plans. She is giving me directions to the house as I am talking. I am following her directions. She is getting angry because she was only at this house once before and was a little shady about how to get there exactly. She was critical about a rolling stop I did at a stop sign. Then critical about the timing of my calling the other people back. We find the house and I park. She is critical because I parked facing the wrong direction on the residential street. At this point, I had received about 12 criticisms in a row. After each criticism was a period of silence. The silence between criticisms was broken by me trying to make short talk or her criticising me for what I was saying or what I was doing. Finally, I had enough. I said, "Baby...you are being very critical of me..." She lost it and shifted focus on how I brought her criticism of me up. She said I should have said, "I feel as though you are criticising me"... yet another criticism!! We go back and forth about the span of events that led to this argument... now sitting in front of the Halloween party house. She accepts no responsibility for being critical, only tells me I brought it up wrong and places heavy focus on that new issue. So, my issue of her being critical is thrown away and replaced with the issue of my assigning blame in the way I worded my thoughts. She then demands to be taken home. After I make several attempts to resist taking her home and beg her to stay at the party and resume this convesation later... she refuses to stay and demands that I take her home. At this point, I know she really does not want to be taken home, she is angry and saying things she does not mean. I finally do what she is demanding and I pull away from the house and take her home. The ride home is virtually silent... finally no more criticisms... we get home, she jumps in her car and leaves without saying anything. I then get a text about how I ruined her time this halloween by not going with her. Still, I can't win.

What is the issue? How do I snuff this criticism out before it gets out of hand.. Do I bring immediate attention to it? I am not a robot... I can't just recite what she needs when I feel like I am being slighted by her emotions. Please help...

No disrespect, but you sure painted her as a Class A NAG! Maybe that's how she vents, I haven't a clue but how old are you, and how long have you been married? Does she work, are their kids? If so how many. Has she ALWAYS been this way?

We have been married for less than 2 months... I am 35... she is 24. She may vent this way, but she refuses to see that what she is doing is killing us. One time, she had a bad workout at the gym. On the ride home from the gym, she started criticizing me for unrelated stuff. I brought immediate attention to it and she stopped. But it is like, no matter if I have control over the negative stimuli or not, she seems to want to on me when she feels down. I am tired of being on just because she is in a bad mood. I could see if I did something wrong... but when I didn't do anything... I still get the shaft.. What is that?

It says I am tired of being S##t on

She does work... she is pregnant. Still, she refuses to accept any blame and refuses to even recognize the fact that she is treating me like a door mat whenever she gets frustrated or angry.

Does she work? Did she behave like this before you were married? Have you suggested counselling?

I guess she has always been this way. Recently, I have told her that any time I feel slighted by her, I am going to bring it up. We both agreed that I needed to do this. Now that I am doing it... it is not OK.

Was she like this before you married?

And how many weeks pregnant is she?

We have gone to counseling. I suggested we go back. She is tired and quite frankly... so am I. we have a baby on the way and I know that a baby is not a valid for 2 people to stay together. I also know that her hormones are out of whack. She did this prior to being pregnant though. I can see that she vents this way, but she fails to see the damage it is doing and denies any responsibility. She strives for perfection and takes any criticism on herself very personally, but yet feels free to liberally dish out criticism. It is like do as I say, but not as I do. The double standards run real thick in our relationship. I wd like to hold on, but she is so intent on ending this right now. She makes empty threats to see how I will react... which I have warned her about numerous times. She will say, "its over, im done..." and not mean it. When I try to patch things up, she keeps saying those things to me... I can only take so much of that. Once I say, "fine, i am donr too..." she freaks again and says it is all my fault and that I don't care.

was she like this before you married?

and how many weeks pregnant is she?

Yes, but not this bad.

14 weeks

Does she work? Did she behave like this before you were married? Have you suggested counselling?

Snap! We both posted at the same time,and I bet we both have the same feeling.

To the op.


You both need to find a new way to communicate.

You are not connecting with each other and your not team mates.

I suggest couples councilling to give you the tools you need.

There's a baby on the way and you both need to stop this 'you said' I said' crap.

Dude, stop taking it personally, and do nothing until a year after the child is born.

You can't make a pregnant women do anything, nor should you. This is probably a first for you both. Is her mom in the picture?? Yours maybe? An older female who has been through this can be helpful, but any guy who has kids will tell you the same thing, your screwed, so don't take it personally, just say yes dear and stand back.

Now is not the time to be sensitive, or over react.

snap! we both posted at the same time,and i bet we both have the same feeling.

to the op.


you both need to find a new way to communicate.

you are not connecting with each other and your not team mates.

i suggest couples councilling to give you the tools you need.

theres a baby on the way and you both need to stop this 'you said' i said' crap.

Yeah... I try to stop and stick to the topic, but it is so hard. We have gone through counseling... I am suggesting more, but she is real intent right now on ending this. I know that she is testing me to see what my reactions will be and if I say even once that I agree that we should get a divorce, the focus will again shift from her saying it for days and me saying no, no, no for days, to me saying it is over and she will not remember what she has spouted out.

Dude, stop taking it personally, and do nothing until a year after the child is born.

You can't make a pregnant women do anything, nor should you. This is probably a first for you both. Is her mom in the picture??? Yours maybe?? An older female who has been thru this can be helpful, but any guy who has kids will tell you the same thing, your screwed, so don't take it personally, just say yes dear and stand back.

Now is not the time to be sensitive, or over react.

I know she is pregnant... she did this prior to that though. "yes dear" doesn't work... I said that to her once and she flipped out and told me not to talk down to her... believe me, I can take a lot... it takes me days to get my feathers ruffled. Our communication is so out of whack. I don't know what to do.

Believe me, I get the whole hormone thing... this runs deeper than pregnancy/hormone issues. This issue of do as I say, but not as I do thing is only the tip of the iceberg... there are many other issues that we have dealt with that are much darker and menacing than this issue. I think the whole criticism issue (her wanting to dish it out, but not take it) stems from a number of things. She has an eating disorder, so already has issues with self image and criticism... She has done a few almost irreparable things to our relationship and may see any negative views I have on her as bigger than they really are... that combined with pregnancy may be the reason for all of this. I am just tired of being hurt by someone who says they love me. We both need to be sunshine and puppy dogs to each other right now... our relationship was rocky at best prior to what happened last night. I can see the big picture. It looks like a life of dealing with emotional baggage

You have my sympathy, but until she is not pregnant any more, let this go. Trust me there is plenty of time to deal with whatever issues you have, just not now. Much better to get your own peace than expecting it from her. You could stand to learn to remove yourself from this situation, rather than make it worse. What kind of family background do you both come from?

Mine is that of a single parent that more than made up for the absent one. My absent parent had little or no effect on my existence. Hers is a single parent who she had to be the care giver of and to some extent still assumes responsibility. He absent parent has created a lot of emotional issues in her.

I am probably not in the best position to give advice, but I get the sense that her issues go deeper than mere communication problems with you. Perhaps it is an insecurity issue about something. I can't say or judge since I have not lived her experience, but often when someone is insecure they will become passive aggressive or simply outright aggressive about their feelings.

I'm curious if you have asked her what makes her feel unhappy and sit down and let HER talk about it. Questions like ' how do you feel in this and that situation' and 'is there sthg at a deeper level you feel uncomfortable about' , 'How do you feel' and 'Do you want to talk?'.I think accusatory and problem solving, suggestive remarks are not helpful at this stage. You might just try listening to her without suggesting anything specifically and giving her a hug and telling her that you understand or are willing to understand.

Letting her talk and telling her that you are willing to listen without judging her may help her cope with some of her issues, until she can get more professional help- if needed.

People that have eating disorder problems, tend to have control issues. They feel they have little or no control of anything. They find a false sense of control concerning what they eat, when they eat, what they keep down. She now wants to control you.
I agree, that some issues concerning your relationship, will be best dealt with after your baby arrives. Some of which, might cease do to fact her attention (control) will be fixed on the baby. Until then learn to be the one that takes his leave when the criticisms start to fly. She seems not able to listen to reason... so just give her a time out until she runs out of steam. Or until she gets tired of not being in control of you and falls asleep.