My wife and I have been married for seventeen years. We have had a good marriage but I admit that a couple of years ago I got wrapped up in work and was not always attentive to her or our daughter. I’ll be the first to admit that it was wrong and I know that I will never do it again. My wife had a male friend that she has known since high school. They have been friends for about twenty six years. My wife has told me that their relationship has always been platonic. However she does say that he is her best friend.
I know that during the time that I was concentrating on my work, she confided in him that we were having marital problems. He lived about two hours away and they talked on the phone every single day (usually four or more times a day) for about two and a half months straight. I know he heard only the negative things about me. So he had no respect for me and did not like me.
One day when I saw the cell phone bill and realized what was going on, I confronted her about it. This was what made me realize that I had been a complete fool for not being a good husband and father. I told her that I would change and asked if she would stop talking to the guy so much. She stopped, but only for a short while.
A few weeks later, while cleaning up around the house, I found some notes that she had written to the guy (I don’t believe he ever saw them). Nothing really horrible, but they did sound like she had feelings for the guy that was more than just wanting to be friends. I asked my wife about them and she admitted that she had some feelings for the guy, but she had written them over a year ago and she had “worked through it”. My wife told me that she has always been faithful to me and that the notes were nothing.
At about the same time the guy had moved in with another woman. I know my wife kept in touch and even went to see them from time to time. They wound up having a bad breakup and they split apart.
Late last year the guy moved to our city to start a new job. It turns out that his new job and apartment are about five minutes from where my wife works. I knew that they were going out to lunch frequently from debit card transactions. I was a little concerned but figured its just lunch and they are just talking. Recently, I came across some credit card receipts and discovered that my wife had paid for the first two months of his rent. She had paid for a rental car for him when his card had broken down. I know that he asked my wife to pay for his car repairs to the tune of about $2500. My wife told me this only after I asked. I also know that he comes to my wife every month for money. Basically he tells her how much he needs and my wife gives him cash. I have never stopped to figure up a total, but I estimate that in the five months he has lived here, my wife has given him several thousand dollars. And the total continues to increase every month.
To this day, I know that they go out together every week and usually Saturday night to skate. They ride bicycles together. This usually means lunch and/or dinner afterwards. They frequently have lunch together during the week. My wife always pays. My wife goes over to his apartment every week. Although this makes me very uncomfortable and I have asked my wife several times not to. She still does it any way.
All of this has caused some bitter arguments between my wife and me. I don’t mind her having a male friend. But some of this makes me really uncomfortable. So after all of this information, here are my questions:

Am I wrong to feel like I have lost my wife?
Is it wrong to ask her not to go to his apartment alone?
Is it wrong to ask her to stop giving him money every month?
What options do I have?
I love my wife dearly, but all of this is ripping me to pieces. And it is beginning to affect my job and I can’t seem to think about anything else.

Nothing is over yet.. It's absolutely normal you feel like this. I have a girlfriend, I love her a lot and I know how it is to be hurt.. In your case, you are married for 17 years, you have a daughter and it's terrible and really hard. You have the full right to tell her not to go alone.
After all YOU are the man of the house. Seems like she's given more importance to her friend than you. Well, am not an expert in relationship but still I'd like to share a little. Try to be more concern about her, be romantic, take her out, make her enjoy life with you... Give yourself entirely to her. Then later start to talk about her friend, show how much you love her, you need her and you don't want to lose her... Tell her how you feel when she meets her friend.

Remember, nothing is over yet...

Be honest to her and a good communication is important. You must have patience. What you can do, try to meet your wife's friend and show him that you are a nice man and that you love your wife a lot but the relationship your wife is sharing with him is causing much trouble in you married life.
I hope everything will be OK soon.
Take care!

Thanks for the response. I have met the guy several times in the past. I had always tried to be polite and he was the same. It is just ever since he has moved here, only he and my wife do things together. I have asked several times if I could come along. My wife has always found some excuse why I could not. When I finally asked what the real reason was, my wife said “He doesn’t like you”. Why I know that I should care less whether someone likes my or not. It is difficult to accept that my wife wants to be best friends (and spend a considerable amount of time alone) with someone who doesn’t like her husband. I could never be friends with someone who didn’t like my wife.

It's terrible what you are going through.. Try to know what she see in that guy but does see in you...

Someone told me today that a man living with his wife after several years of marriage is like living with his sister. Human likes changes... Be different but don't change drastically... What I mean by 'be different' is to do things that you and your wife rarely do or never did before. Surely, by now you already know what she likes or dislikes..

One day, what you can do before having a sexual intercourse, change the atmosphere of the room; a few candles, change the light bulb and replace it by a 'weaker' one(the room should not be lighted up bright everywhere), a choose a bulb of the color the likes the most.. It will be better if she is not aware of anything, it will be like a surprise for her:)

I remind you, am not an expert in this particular matter, but am trying to help the way I can because I know it's very hard for you and I can't really imagine what you are going through since am not married, but I know it's really very terrible.

Go to this link:

TheRomantic.com: 1000s of Creative Romantic Ideas and Free Expert Advice on Love, Relationships, Sex, Kissing, Dating and Romance (http://www.theromantic.com)

Check all the 3 boxes, type your mail address and subscribe to it.
(scroll down, it's on the right)

Take care and wish you all the best with your wife.
Hope to hear from you soon!
God Bless..

Sorry, mistakes on:
6th line - 'a'
7th line - 'she' instead of 'the'

Sorry for all the silly mistakes... :D

Holy cow! Your wife is spending all her quality time with her friend.

What exactly do YOU do with your wife? When do you go out to dinner together and sit face to face? If you do, is it pleasant or awkward? Is she talking about her friend all the time or apparently distracted?

If it was me, I'd ask that she break up with her "friend." She has not "worked through" anything as far as I can see from what you've written.

Have you had any counseling? Your relationship with your wife needs some serious work, so that, among other things, you aren't spending all your time passively checking up on her and worrying about all the things you've found out. This is not healthy.

You should be her best friend.Period.

Hanging out all the time and giving money,it all smells bad.

I would watch them very closely because you need to protect yourself and your marriage.

Friendship that interferes with marriage is dangerous.If she is willing to sacrifice her marriage for this friend,you need to ask her what her priorities are.They should be you!

You cannot just ask her directly, right now to stop everything with that guy... firstly, win her love and affection back. It's you who must make her accept what you say, else she may categorically refuse you.. It's you who must make her say that you are the priority in her life.. Imagine if today itself, roughly, you tell her to stop meeting her male friend, no phone calls, no contact at all.. imagine she says NO, will be completely shattered and destroyed. Don't give her the chance to say no...

It's easy to advise but when you have you put these advise into action, it's harder..
So, be courageous and don't give up.
Bye..

You cannot just ask her directly, right now to stop everything with that guy....

. . . It's easy to advise but when you have you put these advise into action, it's harder..
So, be courageous and don't give up.

Shelesh, you make great points. I agree that the OP may not want to bring things to a head too soon by confronting her or demanding that she break up with this uberfriend.

But I still think what artlady said needed to be said.

Your wife should know by now that *dating* is not acceptable in marriage. Are you footing the bill for these lovely outings and rent on his place? If she is giving all her money to him,clearly someone has to pick up the slack,I assume that would be you.

In response to the claim that *he doesn't like you*. Well,would you like someone who stood in the way of you getting what you want?

Women come here with these issues all the time,we generally tell them to get some backbone and self-esteem. I think you need to do so as well.

First, thanks to everyone for your responses. To answer some of your questions:

Asking: my wife and I do go out to dinner about once a week. I also like to take her to lunch a couple of times a month. We also skate and ride bicycles. Nothing ever seems awkward and she never seems distracted. Her friend rarely comes up because it leads to an argument. I have told her numerous times how I feel about her relationship with her friend. Se just complains that I am jealous and insecure. I really believe she likes to keep the two relationships (her marriage and her guy friend) separate.

Shelesh: I always compliment my wife on her looks and I tell her how much I love her and that she is the most important person in my wife. I send her flowers, candy, and plants to her work. I always include a love poem that I have written. I like to just walk up a give her a hug and tell her how much she means to me. She tells me that she loves me too. For this past Christmas and for Valentines Day, I took her to a jewelry store and let her pick out what ever she wanted. I love her with all my heart and everyday I show her.

Artlady: Learning that my wife was paying this guy’s rent, and the fact that she is giving him money every month was a huge blow to me. This guy does have a job, but apparently he does not make enough to pay his bills. While I think it is a good thing to help someone out in a time of need (that is what friends are for). I just think at some point (it’s been five months now) that this guy would get a second job or do whatever it takes to pay his own way. Instead he just tells my wife how much he needs and my wife gives him the cash (this is always several hundred dollars and I’m sure sometimes over a thousand dollars every month).

I don’t know if my wife still loves him or not. She always says “we are just friends”. And I know that within itself is a dangerous statement. Every time I try and bring the guy friend up in a conversation my wife tells me that I am jealous and insecure. I have told her that I am upset that she is giving him money. She just says that we have enough and that we are paying our own bills so it’s no big deal. She gives him money from her own paycheck so she says it’s her money and she can do whatever she wants with it.

One of the hardest things I’m dealing with now is that for about the last month my wife is not coming home until about 2 ½ to 3 hours after work 4 nights a week (the usual travel time is 45-50 minutes). When I ask here casually if everything is ok; (because she is late) she says that she had errands to run. She never has any packages or groceries. I know that if I confront her, she will get defensive and it will start an argument. I want to trust her. I just wish she would be honest. The “not knowing” is the hardest part. Can anyone give me advice on how to handle this situation?

Things are worst than I thought... Have u ever told her that it hurts you the way she leads her life? If not, try to do so.

After work, you may fetch her and bring her somewhere.
You are in a very complicated situation, so, think wisely before you act..

Your wife should know by now that *dating* is not acceptable in marriage. Are you footing the bill for these lovely outings and rent on his place? If she is giving all her money to him,clearly someone has to pick up the slack,I assume that would be you.

In response to the claim that *he doesn't like you*. Well,would you like someone who stood in the way of you getting what you want?

Women come here with these issues all the time,we generally tell them to get some backbone and self-esteem. I think you need to do so as well.

That is the way I feel sometimes. I’m just here for financial support.

Things are worst than i thought... Have u ever told her that it hurts you the way she leads her life? If not, try to do so.

After work, you may fetch her and bring her somewhere.
You are in a very complicated situation, so, think wisely before you act..

My wife knows exactly how I feel. Yet she continues to do what she wants.

One of the hardest things I’m dealing with now is that for about the last month my wife is not coming home until about 2 ½ to 3 hours after work 4 nights a week (the usual travel time is 45-50 minutes). When I ask here casually if everything is ok; (because she is late) she says that she had errands to run. She never has any packages or groceries. I know that if I confront her, she will get defensive and it will start an argument. I want to trust her. I just wish she would be honest. The “not knowing” is the hardest part. Can anyone give me advice on how to handle this situation?

She is emotionally distancing herself from you and in your effort to keep the peace she is slipping away day by day.

If you want to fight for your marriage you need to be pro active and start demanding the respect you deserve. Let her shout and get defensive,so what? You have some rights as a husband and if you don't want to fight for them or her,keep doing what you are doing until she is gone from you beyond reach.

She should not have to account for every minute of her time but clearly,there are only so many errands one has to run after work.

If it was me,I would be checking phone calls and looking at car mileage and I would be playing detective.Is it honorable to snoop.. I think when your marriage is at risk and she has given you all these reasons to doubt... yes!

She is emotionally distancing herself from you and in your effort to keep the peace she is slipping away day by day.

If you want to fight for your marriage you need to be pro active and start demanding the respect you deserve. Let her shout and get defensive,so what? You have some rights as a husband and if you don't want to fight for them or her,keep doing what you are doing until she is gone from you beyond reach.

She should not have to account for every minute of her time but clearly,there are only so many errands one has to run after work.

If it was me,I would be checking phone calls and looking at car mileage and I would be playing detective.Is it honorable to snoop..I think when your marriage is at risk and she has given you all these reasons to doubt...yes!

I know that they talk to each other every day. They use work phones and work email so there is no way for me to check them. He lives and works literally five minutes from her job so the mileage is negligible. The only thing she can’t hide is the money because I have access to the bank and credit card accounts. I have no problem fighting to keep my wife. Trust me if it came to the point that it was a physical altercation with the guy; I would make sure he understood exactly how much I intend to keep her. The really confusing part is that my wife says she loves me. She is affectionate towards me. Is it possible for her to love both of us? Is it like you said; that she enjoys dating someone even though she is married? I just wish I knew what he offers her that I don’t. Trust me, I have asked her many times. I always get the response that they are “only friends”. I just don’t think they should spend so much time together.

Yes it is possible that she loves him and you. Yes it is possible that she loves the just dating him and making a life with you. But the question is do you like this? Is she worth sacraficing what you are for this?

I think you need to stand up for what you want and what you need. When she says you are jealous and insecure (which are tanked answers) thell her those are typical responses of cheaters with something to hide. Then ask her if she would like to discuss this instead of trying to place blame?

Lastly, I would cancel any charge with your name on them. I would distance myself from her finances and make her contribute to you all's finances. She freeely contributes to him, tell her you want the same.

But really none of this is going to work to save your marriage if you do not go to counseling. Start with personal counseling and try to convince her to couples counseling. Nothing is like being told how wrong you are in front of the person you are trying to bamboozle in trying to have your cake and eat it too. She will definitely have to stop some of these activities and you may find you have more fault that you see right now.

I really wish you the best of luck.

I know that they talk to each other every day. They use work phones and work email so there is no way for me to check them. He lives and works literally five minutes from her job so the mileage is negligible. The only thing she can’t hide is the money because I have access to the bank and credit card accounts. I have no problem fighting to keep my wife. Trust me if it came to the point that it was a physical altercation with the guy; I would make sure he understood exactly how much I intend to keep her. The really confusing part is that my wife says she loves me. She is affectionate towards me. Is it possible for her to love both of us? Is it like you said; that she enjoys dating someone even though she is married? I just wish I knew what he offers her that I don’t. Trust me, I have asked her many times. I always get the response that they are “only friends”. I just don’t think they should spend so much time together.

It is like the old expression goes,you can't have your cake and eat it too.

She is having it all and its just not right ,no matter how you slice it!

It is not what she is saying that is up for questioning,it is her actions and her actions do not show love and respect. She can say anything and possibly give you affection,kind of like throwing you a bone to keep you appeased.

I think you are being played in the worst way.At some point I think she needs to be given an ultimatum.You have three people in your marriage and I am confidant you did not sign on for that.

You could also follow her and see what these errands are that keep her busy four times a week.

I do believe that you can have feelings for two people but I also believe it is wrong and selfish.

I feel like I could find your wife's thread somewhere else on this website... about how she has been unfaithful for years and she can't decide between her husband and boyfriend.

I have a best male friend and a significant other. My best male friend and I dated in the past, but now the relationship is purely platonic. Furthermore, I would never jeoporadize my significant others feelings for my best friend although I feel we will always be best friends. What your wife is doing is excessive and wrong. It would seem that there is way more than friendship to his story.

I think you need to confront her, if this marriage is important to her, she will find a way to make you comfortable with the friendship if it is purely platonic. If it isn't purely platonic, she will get defensive and behave like you are the one with an issue, so she can ensure that she can have both of you devoted to her.

You have to confront this issue. Your wife has behaviors that have to be corrected for a healthy marriage.

Am I wrong to feel like I have lost my wife?
You haven't lost your wife at all. It seems that your wife needs constant attention.

Is it wrong to ask her not to go to his apartment alone? When it comes to another man or woman you have the right for your wife never ever to speak to him again. You have ever right, don't think at all you don't.

Is it wrong to ask her to stop giving him money every month? You need to tell her what are her motives, friends are friends yes. On the other hand this so called "Friend of hers" needs to respect your relationship and stay far away

What options do I have?
Here are your options. Have a man to man talk with her so called friend. Make it clear that your not comfortable with the friendship and she should stay away. Your other option is to set an ultimatium. Tell your wife it's either him or me. One mistake married couple do in this situation is go and find another woman to comfort the pain. Don't give up, be stern and show your wife in many ways that your serious about making things work. Also take your wife on a cruise or a get away. Restablish the love and connection, like may dad would say. "Put it on her real good and she will forget what the whole problem was" lol keep me posted

Thank you to everyone for your responses and advice. Recently I visited my wife's “friend's” myspace page. And with really no surprise were pictures of him and my wife. Actually two pictures. One that was taken at our home during a party about three or four years ago (way before any of the recent events) and a very recent one just of my wife in his apartment wearing his jacket and sandals. I told my wife that I was not comfortable with the latter simply because it was taken in his apartment and I have asked her not to go to his place alone. My wife got defense and said that it was his myspace account and he could put up whatever pictures he wanted and they were not obscene pictures or insinuate anything. True enough but I still explained that I was not comfortable having my wife's picture on another guy's webpage. Well, my wife went back to her friend and told him that I through a fit and demanded that he remove the picture. He did. So last night my wife and I had to make about an hour-and-a-half trip to deliver some items for an upcoming charity drive. My wife started the conversation first saying that it is unfair for me to say that her guy friend goes with her everywhere she goes. I explained that if she wants to go skating that she coordinates it with him. The same for riding bicycles; if my wife is not there he won't show up. That's when she told me what she told her friend about the picture. My wife said that he called me an idiot and that he really does not like me. Whatever. What I know so far is that my wife gives him about $900 to $1000 cash every month. She also pays some of his utilities and credit cards plus frequent lunches and dinners. She still wants to exclude me from everything they do even if I ask to come along. Would it be the wrong thing to do if I confront the guy myself? I know where he works; I know where he lives (just not the apartment number). I have his cell phone number and email address (not that he would ever respond to them). I mean I just want to let the guy know what he is doing to my marriage. I know that whatever I say or do will go immediately back to my wife. And I'm sure this would infuriate my wife. And I'm not sure if it would solve any of my problems. If I were to give my wife an ultimatum, I think it would push her even further away from me.

Your wife isn't with you now.

You wife has put this man before her marriage. As I have said I have both a s/o and male best friend. I would never challenge my s/o to the point that he felt intimidated by my best friend.

I think she HAS to make a choice and if you already know what that choice would be, then you may already know where you stand.

Your wife isn't with you now.

You wife has put this man before her marriage. As I have said I have both a s/o and male best friend. I would never challenge my s/o to the point that he felt intimidated by my best friend.

I think she HAS to make a choice and if you already know what that choice would be, then you may already know where you stand.

Thanks Justwantfair. Your response really hit me hard. But I also believe what you say is true. I find myself breaking down and crying uncontrollably from all of this pain. The really hard part is that I don’t believe my wife would leave me for him. I know that there is no way my wife could support him and herself. Also she would have to make a drastic lifestyle change from what she is accustomed to. And most importantly I have my daughter to consider. I find myself trying to be her “buddy”. Doing activities with her and taking her out to a movie, the mall, or just dropping her off or picking her up from one of friend’s home. I guess I’m torn now. Stay where I am until there is nothing left of my heart and soul (I think much is already dead). Or ask my wife to choose. Either way, I don’t think I can take it much longer.

I feel for your situation, we talk a lot in this site about emotional cheating on your partner. I think that is the line that your wife has crossed.

I could never advocate destroying a household, but I don't think the way you are being treated is fair, but only you can make your choices for yourself.

I do wish you the best of luck with this because I do feel your pain and I know that most of the pain is because we all deserve to be treated with concern for our feelings by the people who should/do love us the most.

I agree that you are on the final strings of your heart and soul. I can't remember if we have discussed this, but have you tried marriage counseling? Maybe what you really need is that third party to assist your wife in seeing the hurt she is causing. It sures doesn't help her running back to him to report on you.

I feel for your situation, we talk alot in this site about emotional cheating on your partner. I think that is the line that your wife has crossed.

I could never advocate destroying a household, but I don't think the way you are being treated is fair, but only you can make your choices for yourself.

I do wish you the best of luck with this because I do feel your pain and I know that most of the pain is because we all deserve to be treated with concern for our feelings by the people who should/do love us the most.

I agree that you are on the final strings of your heart and soul. I can't remember if we have discussed this, but have you tried marriage counseling? Maybe what you really need is that third party to assist your wife in seeing the hurt she is causing. It sures doesn't help her running back to him to report on you.

When all of this started last year, I did my own research on the Internet and “emotional affair” fit perfectly. I also know that statistically, most emotional affairs eventually turn physical. I have no way of knowing if this is happened or not. I have read that if you ask your spouse if they are physically involved with someone else; they will lie if they are.

I have told my wife that when we are having a discussion/argument/disagreement about her guy friend that it is just between us. That we each have the right to discuss our feelings and emotions without them ever going any further that just us. But what has happened is just what you said; she runs back to him to report on me. I also know that if she is mad she will distort the information to make what I said sound much worse.

I have asked my wife several times to go to a marriage counselor. I told her that I would find one, set up to work around both of our schedules, and drive us there. She said that she does not need to go. That I am the one with all the problems. So I am considering going alone. I really don’t have anyone else to talk to and I know that it has affected my job. I know that I am depressed and I don’t know what else to do.

Unless you can get her to see what this is doing to your marriage it is already over in my opinion. She is almost defiantly having an emotional affair and unless you can get her to see that and stop it herself I don't think there is much you can do.

You can't live like this much longer and if you simply give her an ultimatum she will either
a) whilst very unlikely, she could choose him since it is you forcing her to choose.
b)She chooses you but because of how attached to this man she has become she will hate you for it.

Neverme
I didn't mean to say the marriage was beyond saving, just that the only way I personally see of getting the marriage back to what it was before is to get the wife to see that what she is doing is wrong and for her to willingly stop it.
Whilst it may stopping it going any further, Forcing her to stop something she doesn't view as wrong will not mend the damage done to this relationship.

If there aren't two people willing to work on this marriage, I agree, this relationship won't be saved. Both parties need to be focusing on the problems and the fact is her behaviors ARE a problem, not because of you, but because they affect you.

Start with the individual counseling, if she can't see that it would save the marriage. It may help you build the foundation to leave or live your own life.

I agree with Justwantfair,

Individual counselling is a great idea. It is important that your feelings, impressions, concerns and questions are validated and you have an impartial person to express yourself to, without reservation.

That is not to say the marriage won't turn around and she will get onboard and serious. But, to concentrate on taking back control of your thoughts, feelings, and emotions, is the best thing you could do to give you reassurance that you aren't crazy, and that you are entitled to some control over your life.

Thanks again everyone for your advice. I have made up my mind that I will look for a counselor next week. I agree with Rich11111. I have mentioned giving her an ultimatum in past arguments. She said that it would only drive us (my wife and I) further apart. At this point if I bring up his name in a conversation, she immediately gets mad and refuses to even try to talk about. I also understand what Justwantfair, Rich11111 andJake22008 are saying. Seeing a counselor may help me out but my wife will just continue on.
Last night I did confide to a member of my wife's family. I know that I can trust this person explicitly. It did help to just be able to pour my heart and have them listen rather than just tell me that it's me with all the problems. They also urged me to seek counseling even if my wife won't go.

I have been struggling with something that I would like advice on. I have mentioned this before. Would it help to confront her guy friend? I know that he is the type of person that would go out of his way to avoid a confrontation. So it would have to be set up as sort of a chance meeting. How does it work for the person outside of the marriage involved in an emotional affair? Is my wife's friend just as “deep into it” as she is? I mean he is single so therefore no relationship of his own to destroy. But that is what I want to tell him is that he in part (I know my wife is guilty too) is destroying my marriage. That I want him to stop taking money from my wife. And for the time being stay away from my wife…indefinitely.

My personal advice would be no.

I don't think that any good will come of confronting him about the situation. It is your wife's situation to handle and if you can't get her support in the problem, seeking him out will not give an gratification or solution. In fact, when (because we both know it will) it gets back to your wife that you went behind her and did that, it will further drive the wedge between you. In my opinion.

She needs to step up and work on her marriage, because her friend is getting the best of her and you are left with the rest. You said that you don't believe that she would want a divorce, once counseling starts and you are gaining your own two feet again she will notice. (without your need to give an ultimatum.)

My personal advice would be no.

I don't think that any good will come of confronting him about the situation. It is your wife's situation to handle and if you can't get her support in the problem, seeking him out will not give an gratification or solution. In fact, when (because we both know it will) it gets back to your wife that you went behind her and did that, it will further drive the wedge between you. IMHO.

She needs to step up and work on her marriage, because her friend is getting the best of her and you are left with the rest. You said that you don't believe that she would want a divorce, once counseling starts and you are gaining your own two feet again she will notice. (without your need to give an ultimatum.)

Your right. It might help me to vent my frustrations. I know it would help me to just “beat the @*%$ out of him”. But I have no desire to go to jail. In the end no problems would be solved and it would make matters worse with my wife. I just feel so helpless at this point. I guess I need to accept the fact that my wife has to want to change her behaviors.

Another big problem I see here is that you say you have only met him a few times and have always been polite so therefore his entire opinion of you must be based on what your wife tells him,. And he hates you.
Your wife constantly bad-mouth's you to this man and must be completely oblivious to the fact she does this or for some reason she wants this man to hate you.

This doesn't prove anything but from this "best friends" point of view, it is a lot easier to be in a relationship with a married women if you think she has a terrible husband.

I hope you find some support in the counseling. As others have said, your wife has checked out of the marriage. She knows how you feel, knows your relationship is at risk, and yet she continues. She has shown you what she thinks of your concerns. She has put her desires and this other man's wishes ahead of you and your marriage.

IF your marriage was as important to her as it is to you she would do all that she can to alleviate your concerns, not continue to do the very action that she knows causes you upset, worry, and heartache. That is not a marriage.

Maybe it has been going on so long she thinks you are just blowing smoke and won't actually take a stand.

You can try to learn to live with it, try to convince her, again, that this is not acceptable to you and hope she will finally see the light, or cut your losses and separate.

If the tables were turned, would your wife put up with you spending large sums of money to support another woman and spending much of your free time with her? Only you will be able to decide what you can and can't accept and how long it will take before you make a move one way or another. I wish you well.

I feel you have no choice, but to force her to spend her money on a lawyer, and get the heck out of this situation completely. Its gone on far to long.

See a lawyer, and get some advice, and leave her until she makes a decision, or signs the papers.

No way do you tolerate someone who puts someone else before you. I feel for your daughter but your wife's behavior is thoroughly UNACCEPTABLE, and way out of bounds.

Honestly, So is yours. I would have been LONG GONE, but that's just me as I have trouble wrapping my head around sharing that much of my female with any one, or being disrespected right to my face.

I feel your misery, but you have some very tough decisions to make, and I think she doesn't care what you do!

Another big problem i see here is that you say you have only met him a few times and have always been polite so therefore his entire opinion of you must be based on what your wife tells him, ..... And he hates you.
Your wife constantly bad-mouth's you to this man and must be completely oblivious to the fact she does this or for some reason she wants this man to hate you.

This doesn't prove anything but from this "best friends" point of view, it is a lot easier to be in a relationship with a married women if you think she has a terrible husband.

Thank you. What you wrote is one of the conversations I had with my wife’s family member. I guess that she bad mouths me to her friend to justify her relationship with him. Anything I say gets distorted to make it sound like I’m the bad guy set out to destroy their “friendship”. I know that’s what my wife thinks. Although I have only expressed that it is not right to give her friend all that money every month. And that I am not comfortable with her being so close to another man.

I hope you find some support in the counseling. As others have said, your wife has checked out of the marriage. She knows how you feel, knows your relationship is at risk, and yet she continues. She has shown you what she thinks of your concerns. She has put her desires and this other man's wishes ahead of you and your marriage.

IF your marriage was as important to her as it is to you she would do all that she can to alleviate your concerns, not continue to do the very action that she knows causes you upset, worry, and heartache. That is not a marriage.

Maybe it has been going on so long she thinks you are just blowing smoke and won't actually take a stand.

You can try to learn to live with it, try to convince her, again, that this is not acceptable to you and hope she will finally see the light, or cut your losses and seperate.

If the tables were turned, would your wife put up with you spending large sums of money to support another woman and spending much of your free time with her?? Only you will be able to decide what you can and can't accept and how long it will take before you make a move one way or another. I wish you well.


Thank you. I think my wife wants the best of both worlds. I’m the primary financial support. With me she comes home to a nice house. See our daughter. I’m the cook of the house; so she gets served breakfast/lunch/dinner (unless she is out with her friend). Nice family vacations. I guess with her friend it’s the fun (skating and biking). Lunches and dinners and obviously bashing me over some statement I made about her friend. And of course whatever emotional satisfaction she gets with being with him and financially supporting him.

I feel you have no choice, but to force her to spend her money on a lawyer, and get the heck out of this situation completely. Its gone on far to long.

See a lawyer, and get some advice, and leave her until she makes a decision, or signs the papers.

No way do you tolerate someone who puts someone else before you. I feel for your daughter but your wifes behavior is thoroughly UNACCEPTABLE, and way out of bounds.

Honestly, So is yours. I would have been LONG GONE, but thats just me as I have trouble wrapping my head around sharing that much of my female with any one, or being disrespected right to my face.

I feel your misery, but you have some very tough decisions to make, and I think she doesn't care what you do!

Thank you. Part of the reason I’ve stayed on is my daughter. She starts high school in the fall and I know it’s hard enough just being a teenager without having to deal with her parents splitting up. My daughter knows some of what is going on. My wife has told her that her “dad is paranoid” and that I think that “mom and her friend are having an affair”. I don’t say anything about it to my daughter. It’s just not right. Also I think part of it is fear on my part. This is my first marriage and we have been married so long that it’s hard to think about it any other way. Also, (and I know this is stupid) but I feel like if we separate or get a divorce and her and her friend move in together or get married, then somehow he wins. He gets what he wanted. I lose. I know that is irrational thinking.

Last week my wife was home on time after work everyday except one day. She didn't go out anywhere this weekend to meet him. I'm very reserved about this (sort of waiting to see what happens this week. What I do know is that in February she gave him about $1100. Again, I'm just waiting to see what happens this month.

What more do you have to lose, and really, what will you gain should be more to the point.

It is really admirable, and my hat is off to you for being so considerate of how this will affect your daughter. To be the adult here, where you are the one being wronged, and not go down that slippery slope and play the blame game with your daughter, is the best thing you can do.

I suspect that as this goes on, your wife will play that game, and your daughter is more likely than not going to be suspicious of her, especially when you are taking the mature stand.

You may wish to consider being honest with your daughter, and if you do separate, tell her the truth. The marriage is not going to work out, and you are going your separate ways. You cannot tell her enough that this has nothing to do with her, and she is not loved any less because of the decisions that have been made. It is so much easier on kids to hear it directly from their parent(s), that they are not at fault.

You may not realize just how much they pick up on things, and understand and even expect that something major is going on. You don't sound like the kind of parent to me that will abandon her, and she knows that. Just keep reassuring her.

As to him 'winning'. What will he win when she no longer suits his needs. When she can't support him, and expects a 'relationship' with commitment, what do you think he is going to do. He is who he is, and has no moral compass, compassion, or character, or he'd not be doing what he's doing now with your wife.

I know sometimes it takes a long time to see what somebody is actually made of, and as far as your wife goes, she is probably similar character wise to the boyfriend. While the boyfriend takes from her, she takes from you. And for all the wrong reasons. Maybe it is because they are so similar that they hooked up in the first place. She will not be a different person, or a changed person, when the b/f decides to move on. She too, is, who she is.

Hmm very interesting Dragospruce, I have read the entire thread from beginning to end, and it progressed from 'still a strong expression of love between you and her' to 'drifting further apart'. How is the love meter between each other at the moment? How does your wife behave? I am very inexperience with relationships (just 24, and in fact never had a serious relationship yet, lol), but from what I read I cannot imagine her being truly honest and love giving to you anymore, after how she has behaved in the last… uh… months/years?

It's good she has been home in time after work for the last week. Maybe it's a positive trend, that she has possibly realized what she is doing, or maybe its just that her friend is out of town… Anyway, from what I read it seems you regularly have little self-esteem and let your wife go her own way without respecting your emotions, needs and interests. She is clearly in self-denial by continuously accusing you of jealously when the subject comes up, and this is because she clearly has conflicting thoughts. As many have said before, its unacceptable behaviour she displays, and she is scared to loose her ego over you and losing her double standards. I advise you to stand up when it happens again, strongly (I mean, talking-wise, use metaphores, if she objects or whatever, override her strong reaction and pursue making your point). For now, work on your relationship, especially as she showed 'honesty' this week in returning home every evening, but stand your ground. I suggest you take this time for possible counseling together and e.g. organize a family dinner with her parents and let her parents sub-consciously confront her with the subject/situation (Depends on her relationships with them of course, but e.g. let them (or you) bring up a e.g. philosophical/philosophy debate on this, but indirect to the topic, see how she reacts and her parents are there to 'back you up' in the sense of moral advise)…

Don't know what else to suggest, hope the best for you! Cause man, I for sure hope not she's going to throw away a 17 years lasting marriage. My parents are 30 years happily married and I'm proud of them! (Proud cause the older I get the harder it seems a bloody marriage is ever going to work, I sure needa find my right woman otherwise I'll never work… haha) Anyway good luck mate! (and sorry for my bad English as I am not a native English speaker).

Cheers

Thank you for your comments and advice. Everyone here has provided me with great advice and has helped me realize that I have options and am not doomed to die of a broken heart. I am still very much in love with my wife. I show and tell her this every change I get. This past week has gone very well. We have gotten along great and it has really seemed like it was before all of these problems started. Again, I am just being cautious and just waiting to see if things progress further. For her to stop giving him any money and to spend her time with her family instead of him is a good start. Although I would like to see her break all ties with him so that we can work to repair our marriage and get things back to the way they were.
I'm sure that there are low self-esteem issues on my part. I seem to constantly try to compare myself to her friend trying to figure out what she sees in him that I don't have. And trust me, I have stood up to her and we have gotten into some very bitter arguments over him. Her response now seems to be to tell me that she will not discuss her friend with me. Then run back to him and tell him what a horrible person I am. Also as you probably have read, I have confided in one of her family members that I know I can trust. If I tried to set something up with her parents she would most likely accuse me of trying to turn her parents against her. And she probably would refuse to discuss it.

First - Sorry for your situation, when spouses detract from their primary relationship to be with someone else, for whatever reason - sucks.

Ultimatum is long overdue - Marital assets are marital assets - just because she works and it is "her money" doesn't allow for your lack of decision making with regards to use. How would she feel if you were spending $1,100.00 a month on prostitutes? Advise her that you would like her to leave, not that you want her to, only that the current situation has become unlivable. If she chooses to continue seeing other man, inform her that her possessions will be loaded into a POD and available to be picked up at any time by her. Get a life of your own, if she wants to date, go on a date - Doesn't have to be sexual - just enjoy another women's company. Understand that you can't change her, these decisions are hers, and if she is like my wife has to come to this realization on their own.

Good Luck

Thank you for your advice. I have been talking to a marriage consoler on my own (my wife refused to go) and it has helped me through some difficult times. You echoed some of what the consoler told me in that I can't change my wife and it is up to her to decide if she wants to change. It was also a great help to be able to pour my heart out and work through the pain and frustrations that my wife caused me. For the past month (as far as I know) my wife has not given him any money (other than paying for the occasional lunch or dinner). My wife told me that he had to sell some of his computer equipment in order to pay his bills. She even made the comment that she was getting tired of hearing him complain that he had no money to go out and eat or get a beer. He does nothing to try and find a second job or supplement his income in order to pay his bills. He just relied on my wife to give him whatever money he needed. I hope she can realize that is what is happening.
The consoler also said that all I can do is tell and show my wife how much I love her. I have done just that. If nothing else it has allowed my wife and I to discuss the situation without it evolving into a bitter fight. I know that my wife still considers him to be her best friend. They still see each other at least two or three times a week. I certainly wish she would break all ties with him for awhile but I don't think that will happen.

It sounds like she is finally getting fed up.A person has to learn to live within their means and can't and should not rely on others to pick up the slack.
I am glad to hear you are getting counseling and hopefully you are getting something positive from it.Thank-you for the update and I hope things are going to work out for you.You have certainly been patient and understanding throughout this ordeal.

It sounds to me like your wife's friend is a real low life , she is his sugar mommy and he is taking full advantage of her .
You need to put your foot down ASAP , Tell this guy if he ever takes another dime from your wife you will break his legs , tell him to lose your wife's number. If your wife don't like it then tuff cause she obviously don't care how you feel.

Part I & II merged.

It's interesting that you should say that 2foryou10. I see that your posting was in June. About the end of May, my wife came home one day and said to me “Do you want to have the argument now or later”? When I asked what she meant, she told me that she had given her friend $250 to make a car payment. Because she had told me before that she was not going to give him any more money; I started asking her if this was ever going to stop because I didn't think I wanted to be around if she continued to give him money. I had really had enough. My wife asked me if I wanted to get the money back. YES!! She grabbed her cell phone, dialed his number, handed me the phone and told me “Fine. You tell him”. I took the phone. When he answered I identified myself. All of the pain and anger that had been festering inside me for months, and trust me, it was mostly pain, came out at once. I told him I wanted the money back, that he was destroying my marriage. I asked him if he thought that my wife and I were rich and could afford to just hand him hundreds of dollars every month. I told him he was a parasite feeding on our bank account. Everything I had been feeling just spilled out and I kept going until my wife could finally pull the cell phone away from me. He never said a word. I heard my wife tell him that she would get the money from him in a few days and hung up.
My wife told me about a week later that after the phone call he immediately left town for a few days because he was afraid that I was stalking him. Stalking him? I never see or even talk to him. He was a coward and ran away.
Now after that long update: My wife has not given him anymore money. I know that she has lunch with him every week. My wife always buys. I assume they most likely talk to each other every day. My wife still considers him her best friend. My wife tells me that he 'hates my guts' and refers to me as “his stalker”. Frankly, I couldn't care less what he thinks of me and as far as me being a stalker; I say the guy is an idiot and he should look up that word in the dictionary.
The issue that I'm dealing with today is that my wife thinks it's OK to be married to me and have a separate relationship with him, independent of our marriage. She has told me that it's my fault because “I yelled at him on the phone.” I just can't understand how someone can be “best friends” with anyone who hates their spouse. I'm thinking I'm going to have to go back and talk to a therapist or a divorce lawyer.
Everyone here has given me great advice and I really appreciate reading your opinions.

LOL, I would have scolded him too, now forget him, and talk to your wife, CALMLY. I assume she is telling you about what he says about you, but ask her what her reaction is when he puts you down.

I know, you wish the bum would disappear from your life, but I doubt he is that scared, but count it a plus, he gets no more cash. I will give your dilemma more thought. Talk to your wife preferably when she brings it up.

This has been going on for too long now, if she hasn't seen that what she is doing is wrong by now or at the very least respected your opinion as her husband, then I'm sorry but she never will, I honestly think now that the only way out of this for you is with a Divorce lawyer.

It is hard to imagine that you would be questioning the truth here. There are so many things wrong, the main one being there are three in the marriage, instead of two.

I would step up, and take care of business. The first thing I'd do is open my own bank account, and split everything in half. Then I'd take out of her half what she has 'loaned him', and she can collect it back from him.

Then secure your assets, by getting a separation agreement in place. Draw a line in the sand for example with her car, she can make the payments. In other words, like up the ducks.

I cannot imagine how difficult your life is. Expecting things to change, yet not seeing what is right before your eyes. I'm not saying that in a mean way. I really hope you are able to take some control over you life for your own sake.