Moved to its own thread and edited.

I'm hoping that we will get back together but it has been a couple of weeks and it doesn't look to good I don't know what to do at this point she hasn't called or done anything... I feel like I've lost the love of my life... she told me that she just needed time and I asked her what I could do and she just said wait for me... then the last time I talked to her I asked her if she wanted to see me again and she said she didn't know... I'm so confused does anyone have any suggestions? The hardest part is not knowing what she's thinking I think I could move on better if I just knew she didn't want to get back together

Hey rainman...how are you doing does it get any better..this has recently just happened to me and i feel so lost.....did you ever reconcile and get back together with your ex? I'm hoping that we will get back together but it has been a couple of weeks and it doesn't look to good I don't know what to do at this point she hasn't called or done anything...i feel like I've lost the love of my life...she told me that she just needed time and I asked her what I could do and she just said wait for me...then the last time i talked to her I asked her if she wanted to see me again and she said she didn't know...I'm so confused does anyone have any suggestions? The hardest part is not knowing what she's thinking I think I could move on better if I just knew she didn't want to get back together


All right bud, I know EXACTLY how you feel right now. The betrayal, hurt, and emotional rape you are going through is unbearable. But please be stronger than I was and DO NOT contact her for any reason. She WILL come to you but in order to have any chance at all you need to play your cards right and gain some composure. Be relaxed and do not ask her any questions, when she does call, do not act excited or needy she will run if she senses this. If you have the patience and perservirence wait this out, there is a slim chance she might change her mind. What I would suggest is to fully cut all contact with her, and heal. Mine did not come back and it was only recent that I got closure out of her and an answer that even if we were to live in the same town, it wouldn't mean we could ever get back together.
By her telling you "wait for me" she is saying "I am having second thoughts, but I am to scared to leave you without another viable option. So until I find that option, you stay put." Don't settle for that as I did, its just not worth it man. Once the floor falls out from underneath you and her feelings have changed, it is very hard to go back.
Im not going to lie it is going to SUCK for the first month or two, but it does get better. It still hurts me, and I'm already 4 months out of mine, but I am light years ahead of where I was in the beginning. We are all here to help you through this, let me know if you need more explanation/detail on my case, because our stories are almost identical.

Quote by lonelyman,

I'm hoping that we will get back together but it has been a couple of weeks and it doesn't look to good
Your own thread was started so you could get feedback. You have been sitting in limbo hoping she changes her mind for weeks, and the more time that passes the more anxious you get.

I don't know what to do at this point she hasn't called or done anything..
She is healing, getting over you and moving on. You have not.

I feel like I've lost the love of my life... she told me that she just needed time and I asked her what I could do and she just said wait for me
That's a god way of putting you off until she knows you will see no hope and leave her alone. Cowardly, but the easy way out, instead of just setting you free to move on yourself.

then the last time I talked to her I asked her if she wanted to see me again, and she said she didn't know
Again, the easy way out. She may be doing other things with other people but keeping you waiting like this is unfair to you.

I'm so confused does anyone have any suggestions?
I suggest you stop waiting, as you have already wasted enough time on someone who dumped you, for whatever reason, and keeps you hanging and to false hope. That's not only unfair, but selfish.

The hardest part is not knowing what she's thinking I think I could move on better if I just knew she didn't want to get back together
Her words say she doesn't know, but her actions are crystal clear, she doesn't want to try to get back together, that's why she doesn't call you. I think you take the hint, and just move on yourself, and leave her alone. That's not the easy way, as she has chosen, but the best way for you. It's a break up, it sucks, but for your own good, you leave her alone and do your thing. Read my entire signature and respect her NO Contact rule that she is doing to you. There is a link in my signature that explains No Contact, and how you move beyond your limbo. It helps you understand that your not alone and everyone here has had to deal with exactly what your going through.

Sorry for your loss.

Hello all!. I'll try to keep this as short as I can.. any feedback would be much appreciated. So my girlfriend.. well I guess now she's my ex girlfriend decided about a month ago that she needed to take a break. So I unhappily agreed to this break... well anyway we have since talked about things and she tells me that I'm the only one for her she just needs some time to see that she can really do things on her own. But the thing is every time there is a crisis that's going on in her life I am the first person that she calls. Do you guys think that we will ever get back together she is telling me that she isn't sure how much time it will take but she is thinking it will be about a month more. Should I wait about a month and then talk to her and tell her that she either needs to decided to be with me or to go... that is if she hasn't decided already for herself. I really love this girl with all my heart and am sure of the way I feel about her and know that their isn't anyone else I'd rather spend the rest of my life with... so just dropping her out of my life at this point isn't an option we've both put way too much time into this relationship about 3.5 years to give up this soon... what do you guys think would be the best course of action to take?

Leave her alone, and get a life that you enjoy without her. Your problem now is your waiting for her to change her mind, but she won't. So make up yours, and stop being so available.

I wouldn't wait. If after 3.5 years she is not sure she wants to be with you, it's time to go!

She's moving on with her life. You're just going to have to accept that, you can't force her back into a relationship with you.

It's time for you to start moving on with your life.

I'm not so sure that she doesn't know if she wants to be with me. She tells me that she can't see herself with anyone else but that we had just become to dependent on each other and she needed some space. I really don't think that she has given up either.. I just know in my heart that we are suppose to be together

After 3.5 years, you must have developed a way to cope with obstacles. After 3.5 years, you wouldn't be playing mind games with each other anymore.

So if she wanted to be with you, she wouldn't break up with you, nor would she ask for space.

The fact is, she's letting you down easy. Does she really need to come out and say: "Dude, I don't love you anymore, leave me alone." --- I would hope not.

After 3.5 years, you've built a strong connection that isn't going to break overnight. You're still in the early stages of the break up, so you're still a little dependent on each other. But don't mix this up with false hope of reconciliation.

When we met to talk about things she told me that she still loved me :( and after 3.5 years I know when she is sincere

How long have you been waiting... a month? How much longer are you prepared to wait, another month, a year, 5 years.

There comes a point where you have to draw the line for yourself, wake up, and refuse to let her string you along, because that's what she is doing right now. She is living life, experiencing the world, and meeting other people, while you sit and wait for the "one you're meant to be with" to come back.

If she felt that you were both meant to be together, she would be with you right now, instead of giving you the space crap.

Wake up and don't wait. Next thing you know, she will be saying she met someone else, or that she hooked up with another guy. Do you want to be waiting around for that? I wouldn't! I already have. When you hear about that, imagine everything inside of you feeling like it's going to explode and then realizing there is nothing you can do, and that she didn't cheat because you were on a break (up). That's exactly what this is a break-up.

How long do you wait? How long do you suffer at her mercy?

Pick yourself up off the floor and say to yourself "She is doesn't know what she is leaving behind!" and leave her in the dust!

She needs to realize the mistake she is making. You need to realize there are plenty of other women out there.

She is the one that does all the contacting to I rarely contact her its all just so confusing

Sorry I'm such a wreck guys I know I should like a pittfull puppy dog being dragged along

Does it make a difference that I was her first boyfriend?

I know it hurts and it hard to see everything clearly right now. It definitely takes a long time to see her and the situation for what they really are.

Seriously, even though I know you're not going to listen, you need to ignore her calls. Ignore them until you are at a point where you get your dignity and respect for yourself back and get rid of the feelings of rejection. That will take a few weeks or months. Once you get to that point, then see if you even want to talk to her.

Maybe... It's always hard to get over a first love, until you meet someone else.

If you want to keep playing with her games, then go ahead.

If she really did love you, then she wouldn't be dragging you around.

I know I sound pitiful maybe that is at least a start

No, you sound like every other poster on here after they first got dumped.

It's normal to feel this way. Just don't drag it out.

I don't think I'll be able to move on completely for a long time :(

It's just part of the healing process. So don't worry too much.

Here are the no contact rules: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/nc-rules-faqs-332732.html

Don't pick up her calls anymore, so that she can't mess with your mind anymore.

By keeping in touch, you will prolong the pain and suffering.

There's no magic potion to heal, but no contact definitely helps.

Fight the urge to break the no contact rules: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/fighting-urges-break-nc-rules-351302.html

I don't think I can do no contact right now... for some reason I just feel like we are close to getting back together... I know it sounds crazy

You may not. Everyone heals differently, but the fact is you will heal. It just takes time.

Start rebuilding your life by contacting old friends, starting new hobbies, going to the gym, planning trips, and meeting new people. Most of all do something that is fun, although not much will seem fun right now, but eventually it will.

Do what you want. Just be prepared!

That's the thing I don't have a lot of friends to hang out with we pretty much spent all of our time together and most of my old friends have moved away

I don't think I can do no contact right now...for some reason i just feel like we are close to getting back together...i know it sounds crazy

You mean you want her to keep dragging you around and leading you on? (i.e. fall for the demon of false hope)

I know it's tough. So grieve as long as you need. Go at your pace. Just be prepared to continue to suffer more heartbreak.

When you're done wanting to suffer, then you can go into no contact and heal properly.

Yea.. im not ready for no contact yet.. ill keep suffering for awhile:(

I did the same thing you are about to do. I ended up getting my heart broken a second time when I found out she was seeing someone else. I thought we were "meant to be". I treated her like gold and got sh-- in return.

It took me about a year to get over my 3.5 year relationship. Of course I got weak over that period and talked to her. I woke up 3 weeks ago and finally walked away for good.

What happened three weeks ago that made u realize this?

I really only plan to hold on for about another month... I'm setting a hard date of the first of the year and then giving up for good... she's told me that she won't keep me waiting past this point because it isn't fair to me... so if she hasn't decided by then then ill know in my mind its over

I've got to go for now but I'll check back in later

We started talking again back in August, after her new ex-bf dumped her. We would talk a few times a week. It was going pretty well. I started getting what is known as false hope.

I actually brought up possibly working things out between us. She told me she didn't want to have a boyfriend right now. (Tip #1)

I thought whatever. Then as we kept talking daily, she ended up telling me she hooked up with some other looser she was hanging around with recently. (Tip #2) That made me red in the face, but I didn't say anything. I just laughed.

Then we made plans to go out on Halloween. I went out with her and her friend to basically watch her flirt, hit on, and dance with other guys. (Tip #3) I told myself later that evening I shouldn't put myself through this anymore. I dropped her and her friend at the house they were staying at and told her never to call, text, or email me again. It still hurt, but I knew it had to be done. I left and didn't look back.

My whole saga is documented here:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/girlfriend-wants-break-giving-space-but-unsure-261536.html

Don't put your life on hold-and don't allow somebody else's confusion to stop you from getting your life back on track.
Keep busy-do things you like to do and that make you feel better.

She isn't the type that would be out flirting or hooking up with guys that's not who she was before we started dating and its not who she is now so that's not what I'm worried about I know her well enough to figure out if there was someone else... I really believe in my heart we will be one of those 3% that get back together

^^ I thought this same thing right after my ex put me on a "break"... Boy was I wrong. She is completely different now... I was stuck seeing the way she used to be. Now, it's almost like my ex is lost and on some kind of soul searching mission... It's weird!

People in the 18-25 year age group change immensely from year to year.

Seeing some progress I think... thanks for the support guys

I need a pick me up guys I'm feeling a little down today :(

What happened to make you feel so down?

Remember, it was your choice to drag out the pain and suffering.

I know its my choice... its just hard because I want things to work out between us and truly believe that she wants to work things out she has told me that she does... even told me that she loves me... she's just not ready yet... but she wants it to work out... just having a hard time accepting her not being totally committed yet and just waiting until that point

Waiting for someone to be ready for what you want is a big downer, so stop waiting and get out into the real world and take advantage of better options and opportunities.

Her actions don't match her words, so what is it your waiting on?

Exactly.
Don't worry about the 3%. Not great odds. Just time wasting. False hope.

Hopefully your next relationship will be 1000% Someone who is "ready"

Instead of trying to change someone or wait until they change, change yourself.

Oh, BTW, did I forget to mention to go NC forever..

Does nobody on here think that love is worth fighting for?

Love is worth fighting for if the other person feels the same way about you.

Love is worth fighting for if both of you are willing to put the same effort.

You we believe love is worth fighting for so fight for it but fight for it correctly... realize its over now... and if this girl comes back... it will be a new relationship... what she is out there looking for right now... as you should... focus on only yourself... dont talk to her for a month or two... if you love her or she loves you... you guys will do that... going no contact and moving on is the only way you will win the fight for love...

I believe that she does feel the same way and is willing to put in the effort

We were nc for about a month then she contacted me and wanted to get together to talk

Ask her what is the topic about. Can you take it? Will it bring any good? 1 month is too short..
I took a talk with my ex when I was confused, I screwed myself pretty bad being desperate.

The holidays are going to be so hard

"I believe that she does feel the same way and is willing to put in the effort"

Thats in your head. You can NEVER project others feelings.


The holidays are going to be so hard


As hard as you make them. Have fun instead.

Stay NC, be strong. Suck it up. Rebuilt who you are.
It isn't easy, but focus on what's really important, you.

That's the only way.

The hard part is I don't think ill ever find another woman :(

the hard part is i dont think ill ever find another woman :(

You really need to give yourself more time to recover. All break ups are difficult and we sometimes feel at an all-time low. But it will get easier. You need to be patient.

I wish that there was a magic potion too. But there isn't. Time is the key to healing.

You will find another woman. Maybe not right away, but you will. They will be better than the last girl.

It will be hard to be better then the last one she was amazing

Aw, geez guy, we know your heart is broken, but most people go through this same experience, and get beyond it, and have big fun, because we start to see how many females there really is when you stop focusing on just one. They are all fantastic in their own way, and in time you will find that out too.

Yes, big fun!

Maybe the past was amazing, but getting dumped isn't amazing.

But enlightening...

The one you should focus on is you. Then who's right.

Look after yourself and heal from this, when you're ready somebody even more amazing will come into your life.

Are you guys saying nobody ever gets back together?

If that's what they both want, its possible, but most people just get NEW partners.

Matter of fact, most people when they get dumped and heal from the break up, find better partners than the last one, and seldom want the exes back. Weird huh!

How do you know if that's what they both want?

how do you know if thats what they both want?

1) You already know what you want.

2) If the other person wanted to same thing, they will let you know.

If they don't tell you anything, it means they don't want the same thing.

You can't force two people to get back together. It will happen naturally. You don't need to search for it. It will come to you if it was going to happen.

Be patient with yourself. Right now you're desperately looking for signs that would be in your favor. You're in a tough situation, but you will get through it.

Focus on healing from your pains first before worrying about getting back together. Once you've healed from your pains, you will be in a better position to analyze the situation.

Originally Posted by lonelyman123 https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/amhd_imgs/buttons/viewpost.gif (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/she-still-doesnt-know-what-she-wants-410113-6.html#post2106096)
how do you know if thats what they both want?

That's simple, they will be together.

But how do you get to the point of being together

By mutual consent, through honest, and clear, communications.

Thanks for the help guys I'm feeling a little better today

That's great news-wishing you many more good days.

Thanks amicon... im starting to get to a point where I still want her to come back but I'm starting the be able to handle the thought that she might not without becoming an emotional rollercoaster

I am sorry about the breakup, but before you can move on you need to accept the reality of your situation. You broke up, it’s over. Let reality sink in. Don’t allow yourself to harbor secret fantasies of getting back together or how she’s going to come crawling back to you. Respect that this chapter of your life has closed and tell yourself that you’re going to have to get over it and move on. It didn’t work out and it probably wasn’t meant to be. Accept that fact and move on.


------------------------------------------------------


Sometimes we tend to be in despair when the person we love leaves us,
but the truth is, it's not our loss, but theirs, for they left the only person
who wouldn't give up on them.

Yes, so true.

Acceptance is one of the hardest parts, but a critical jumping off point to regroup, heal and work on yourself.

It's a learning process with time on your side.

You will get through it.

Thanks guys I have accepted that we have broken up but we are also working on our relationship... its not just me that wants to work on the relationship she has s said that wants too as well and her actions are saying the same thing not just her words... but some days are still harder then others

You both have to want the same things.

If being pals with no other expectations works for both of you, then do it.

If not, you are in for heartbreak after heartbreak.

What do you mean heartbreak after heartbreak?

Just an update guys... still doing good probably the best I've been in 2months... the days haven't been a bear to get through... I know that I still have tough times ahead but just wanted to say thanks for the support again

That's great news-keep going and keep posting.

Yes man.
Glad to hear it.
Rock on.

You remind me of me 7-8 months ago haha. Trust that no contact is the best way to go, keeps you from getting confused and the build up of false hope. I wish you the best! Them wanting you wait while they look for better options is the definition of selfishness.

Isn't it funny that once your feeling really good you all of a sudden have a break down :( I had mine last night after the post guess I got to confident

Hey man, everyone has their ups and downs. I was a wreck for about 3 months. Each day that passes, the feelings get slightly less intense. After a while they get to the point of being fleeting memories or thoughts. When you reach that point, you know you made it.

It's an emotional rollercoaster but that's normal,soon you'll have more good days than bad ones.

I just want her to want to come back :(

Feeling down in the dumps is normal but don't get stuck there.
Get busy and do something to cheer yourself up.

If you have the time, call up some friends and go out and do something tonight. Go see a funny movie or go bowling. Just do something with a group of people so you can stop thinking about her for a little while.

That's the thing I don't have a group of people I put everyhting into the relationship

What do you mean? Are you saying you lost touch with everyone while you were with her? If so, you need to reconnect with them. This should be one of the first steps to rebuilding your life.

I never really had very many friends to begin with and now the few I was friends with have moved away

No wonder your having a hard time, you had no life outside this relationship. But thats the task for you now. To build a life that you enjoy without her in it.

In the future never give up the things that make you happy, for a relationship. Being happy with yourself is attractive to others, and once we lose that, we lose everything else.

Get busy, and make a plan to get out, and find your happiness, through making new friends, hobbies, and activities, so you don't just sit, and be hurting.

Whens the last time you talked to your family???

I live with my family... I don't know how to make a plan to get out?

Hey lonelyman123- What Tal means is get out and do things and make a life that you can be happy with. This really is important.

You sound a lot like me- my ex fiancé was my life and she knew it. When she dumped me my whole world came crumbling down like yours is now.

Its up to you now to do some soul searching and try doing things to occupy your time. Yes you do need time to grieve- we all do after being dumped. But remember she is out there meeting new guys and enjoying her new life- you need to start doing that too.

Check at your local library for activities going on in your town. There may be co-ed volleyball or basketball leagues where anyone can play. (we have that in my town) Just don't put your life on hold.

Believe me it sucks big time. It's the hardest thing I had to ever go through. One day I'm planning our big engagement party and excited about the wedding in a year and entire future together and then bam- it all goes down the drain.

You have to understand just how important it is to have a life of your own. Try your hardest to make new friends.

You see my ex has tons of friends and activities and guys approach her all the time because she's seriously beautiful so when she dumped me it really was no loss to her but devastating to me. If I (and you) had friends of my own and a life of my own we wouldn't be struggling as bad right now.

Thanks but my ex isn't out meeting new guys and she says she wants to work on the relationship which makes things even harder... I was her life to so we are both struggling

You both need to get a life, besides each other! And why are you so sure what the ex is doing? Must be in contact with her still.

Do you not think it will work out?

Honestly- you never know. It is possible that things could work out. But right now she's not being very fair to you. You need to understand that this very well may be over. What's going on right now- is she contacting you still? If she is you REALLY need to stop responding. If you want any chance of getting her back she needs to miss you and know that you are no longer available for her.

Yes we are still in contact... we talk everyday... I just want to get up the courage to say you either want to be with me or you don't just decide? But I don't think that would be a good idea either

You talk everyday, but have not resolved your relationship issues? You're talking about nothing then.

How should I handle this then?

When you get dumped you at least have to have the courtesy to disappear, or cut contact or resign yourself forever to the friends zone, until something better comes along and she doesn't have time to be your friend.

No wonder you young guys can't heal, and move on. False hope has you hanging around hoping.

how should i handle this then?

Very easy- you need to put an end to you being in limbo... simple choose when you're going to text her (no more than a week from now) and tell her you need to know if you are done for good or are getting back together. If she says she's still not sure/give her more time then Don't EVER talk to her again. That means she is just using you as her back up plan. Take it from me- I gave it one week after my ex said she wanted to go on break. She told me she didn't miss me as much as she thought she would and she thinks its done. That was all I needed to hear- it was over. Don't live in limbo any more- right now you are in friends zone- put an end to your misery asap:rolleyes:

Should I tell her I need an answer in a week?

No that's to wimpy.

I don't care if its wimpy whatever works

Lonely man, I am sorry for you. I know it hurts, but you are allowing her to string you along, and being so available. She says she loves you, but actions speak louder than words. You are settling for a woman who now is offering you nothing, but just stringing you along like a puppet. I don't mean to be harsh, but why would you put your life on hold for a woman, who now is offering you nothing? She is dragging you along and you are allowing it. Go out and think of yourself now, and meet new friends. Good luck.

That's my point. You have tried everything and it hasn't worked. Take a few suggestions,

#Stop all contact
#Start doing your own thing with out her
#Make new friends and renew old friendships
#Be busy enjoying yourself
Then tell me how you feel in a month.

Are you man enough? Or do you have life and BS all screwed up!

Thats my point. You have tried everything and it hasn't worked. Take a few suggestions,

#Stop all contact
#Start doing your own thing with out her
#Make new friends and renew old friendships
#Be busy enjoying yourself
Then tell me how you feel in a month.

Are you man enough? Or do you have life and BS all screwed up!

Well said, Tal.

And after a month if I still want her back? Then what?

Go back & follow Tals list of rules.

Your worrying about her & what's going to happen a month down the road?

Just have zero contact from now on, save yourself the misery.

Stop being lonelyman & be happyman.

I want her back and that's all that matters to me right now I'll continue this misery until that happens or I am told she has moved on... I believe in my heart of hearts that true love never gives up and I truly love her... I already know that your going to say she's given up but I haven't so Im not giving up until she tells me to give up and that's that... thanks for listening to me guys but right now I'm not able to comprehend any advice.. maybe in a year from now ill look back and wish id listen to you guys or maybe in a year ill be back with her only time can tell but as of right now I'm not giving up!

DO NOT let her string you on any longer! I know you love her- I'm sure she's very beautiful and is perfect in your eyes. BUT her feelings have changed and she's just trying to put you down gently because she doesn't want to crush you! We all know you want her back so start no contact immediately and see how she reacts- not to be harsh but she may not even care anymore. Believe me most guys have all been through this (cuz 90% of the time girls are the dumpers) but don't let her string you along any longer. Tomorrow send her this text... " Hey We've been on break for a while now and I need to know are we getting back together or are we done for good?" If she gives you the run around then you know its over for good. Good luck and tell us what happens.

Bj I don't think you can do that over a text I'm going to meet her and tell her that

Me, I would just go NC & screw it. But if you need it from the horse's mouth, then go for it.

If she wanted to be with you, then you would be together & never have posted here.

Sounds like she wants you in the friend zone. A pal.

Stringing along? Yes. And you are letting her.

You leave her alone and if she comes asking to try again that's when you should consider may be getting back after thinking it over very thoroughly if its in your best interest. Why do you have to keep asking for another chance? She knows how you feel, its her turn to show that she is willing to fight for the relationship. Last time I checked, it took two to make it work. Constantly trying to make her change her mind is not going to work. She has to decide she wants a relationship with you herself without you convincing her. My guess is she will continue to be confused and not give you a straight answer because she herself does not know what she really wants. So until she figures it out you should live as if she's NOT coming back, that way if you don't get the answer your looking for u'll be well on your way to recovery.

bj i dont think you can do that over a text im going to meet her and tell her that

OK meet her if that's what you want to do. Just be warned that you may be in for some serious pain. I was stupid and went to get my ring back and talked to my ex for an hour. She was cold as ice and distant beyond belief. Your ex may give you the same treatment.

Don't be nice- just be direct. Remember she's the one that dumped you. If she starts giving you the run around and asks for more time then get up and walk out. Do not say another word to her. Be man enough to do this.

I wasn't man enough when I picked up my ring and I ended up looking like a wuss. I'm sure my ex and her friends got a good laugh... dont make the same mistake as me.:rolleyes:

Plain to see your locked into your course, and won't be swayed. So the only advice I can give you is wear a helmet when your determined to run head first into a brick wall.

Good Luck, and I mean that.