I'll try to be brief:
Bottom line:
My wife says that I don't do enough around the house or with her and I'm really trying but I often feel tired due to working a lot. How do I get this communicated.

Back story:
My wife and I have been married for almost 2 years. Basically through some early bad spending and then a lot of medical bills in the last year for me, we got in some serious credit card debt. It's not insurmountable as I get paid fairly well. But it will take a few years to dig out. I got an extra-part time job so that I work every other weekend (12 days on, 2 days off is my schedule) in order to pay it all off in 2 years and still be able to live decently.
However, this schedule makes me pretty tired especially on days 9-12.

Problems:
My wife has started her own small business at home (making some crafts) for which she spends all of her time and over $2000 for start up but has only made about $200 in sales over this year. She expects me to keep all of the receipts, pay taxes and keep the books (I'm not an accountant or in business or banking but she expects me to fill out all the forms). She also wants a website (again not my expertise) that she expects me to build and maintain. This is taking an extraordinary amount of time due to my inexperience (we don't have the funds right now to have someone build a site). But she complains that I spend too much time on the computer at home even though I'm testing out all sorts of aspects on this site and learning as I go. I spend about 1-2 hours about 3-5 times per week getting all this done. Also, I'm responsible for being there to help her set-up and take down of displays at craft fairs as well as bringing her lunch to the fair.
Also, she doesn't like to do anything with the outside of the house. I always have to mow, edge, landscape, water and take care of our pool. We also have cats and dogs. I'm solely responsible for feeding them early in the AM and in the evening, the litter boxes, taking them to the vet, going to the pet store, walking and bathing except in rare occasions. I'm also responsible for all of the dishes and trash and kitchen cleaning. She does cook a lot so it's usually a lot of dishes.
She's responsible for laundry and vacuuming and dusting. She only vacuums once a month and I usually run out of clothes at some point during the week and have change loads myself or gently pressure her that I'm out of T-shirts, dress pants and / or socks. She also does some simple cooking. I'm not really complaining about how she does either and I'm happy that she does do them willingly.

However, she always complains that I don't do enough around the house and that it'd be so much easier if I just helped out more. Also, she says she hates it that I spend so much time on the computer. I do admit that I spend 30 or so min in the evening looking at mindless entertainment or "viral videos". But most of the time, I'm working on either her website or setting up something for her company or managing our finances. Also, although I don't do one big time consuming task such as laundry, all the little tasks that I mentioned above in addition to working 16 hours extra every other weekend add up. She says if I worked construction that it would be different, but since it's not manual labor then it shouldn't be so bad. Also, she says that her chores are much more time consuming and she shouldn't have to do more.
We rarely go out or do anything unrelated to her craft business. However, on my 4 days off during the month, she always wants to do extra cleaning or hang out at her friends lame parties (to which she drags me along). Also, she will drag me to these same parties on weekend days that I have to work the next morning at 7a (and wake up at 5:15a). She will want to stay until 1a even though I ask to leave by 11p to get 5hrs of sleep. But then she'll complain that I'm not helpful after I get home from work the next day because I'm so tired from working hard and lack of sleep. It's also scary as my main job is as a traveling consultant and have to drive an average of 80mi per day and I can be really tired after this. I'm a person that doesn't function or feel well on less than 6 hrs of sleep.

Main Problems in summary:
1. We don't do anything fun together (from lack of funds, time and her obsession with doing the craft business) or even go on walks with the dogs together. She's always concerned about the new idea for crafts and how we're going to have money for the next craft item that most don't sell well. In addition, she complains that we don't do anything fun and that it's a direct result of me being tired a lot but I think it's her hobby

2. She doesn't think I do enough around the house. I think I try as hard as possible especially with working the schedule I do. I'll admit that I'm not high energy but I think I try my best and at least think I do a lot.


How can I communicate this and keep this marriage going? I'm not having any fun and really trying as much as I can. I don't know what to do. I feel depressed and I never see an end to it. I apologize about the length of this. I just wanted to give as much detail as possible.

Well since you have made her the boss by giving in to her demands, you should do as your told and not talk back.

When your tired enough of this BS, you'll draw your own lines and not cross them.

Then you'll either talk, or she leaves.

Next time she starts nagging, tell her to do it herself, and you go fishing for 3 days. A clear signal that you have had enough, and are taking her crap, no more.

That is if everything you say is accurate. You should have been talking a long time ago.

Well since you have made her the boss by giving in to her demands, you should do as your told and not talk back.

When your tired enough of this BS, you'll draw your own lines and not cross them.

Then you'll either talk, or she leaves.

Next time she starts nagging, tell her to do it herself, and you go fishing for 3 days. A clear signal that you have had enough, and are taking her crap, no more.

That is if everything you say is accurate. You should have been talking a long time ago.

Thanks for the response and the candor. I guarantee that my email was accurate.

The only part I left out that may be somewhat key is that I dragged her 1000 miles away from her family to a new city for my job and school. She's the type that has to see her mother and family often. And I still feel very guilty about that. It's been hard to be critical of someone that's given up a lot for you. I used to have clear lines but have softened after moving her away.

I think you are correct that I will have to re-establish some old ground like you said. We have talked about that. She just finds it hard to see it from my view and she refuses to do some things like the litter boxes and will leave them go until I can't stand it any longer. She's not good with compromises or discussion with issues that she's doesn't like (she's very hard headed). I guess I will just have to lay it out like you said for better or for worse.

You didn't drag her anywhere, she chose to come with you.

I agree with Tal and I would also say that she needs to take more responsibility for her venture.

There should be an even division of work.

If you are no good at accounts and web making,then she needs to take on that chore.

If you can manage dishes and laundry,than that should be your job.

It is counter productive to try to attempt to do a job you don't like and that you are no good at.

Wife also needs to understand that EVERYONE needs down time!
People do not function at their best when stressed,tired and resentful!

Do you shine her tiara too? This princess of yours needs a wakeup call!

I would get a large piece of bristol board. Draw a line down the middle, head it up 'MINE' and 'YOURS', and list the responsibilities each has taken on.

Then get a second piece of bristol board and draw the line down the middle again, and head it up, 'EXPECTATIONS' on both sides, and list what you expect the other to take in order to even up the responsibilities.

If she sees these two lists, she should be more than willing to ante up, and take on more to ease your burden, and she should be ashamed and embarrassed too.

While she is using you, you are allowing her. You are enabling the princess to have everything she wants, without having to contribute anything.

She needs to exchange the pink taffeta gown with the golden sparkles, for a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, and the tiara for a hair clip, and get her butt in gear.

Real life takes work, commitment, understanding, empathy, sharing, respect, interest and putting your parter FIRST.

Stop the slave/master thing going on here, and step up and make some changes before you have a heart attack.

Man, you're doing too too much and she's basking in her sense of entitlement.

Next she'll have your testicles in a jar by her side of the bed and she'll be telling you what to do with them.

It's going to be real hard because she'll kick and scream like hell, but you have to take back conrol. You say she's hard headed? The time has come for you to be even tougher. It doesn't have to be a confrontation. Just quiet determination.

Chores are a shared responsibility, but as regards her small business, I'd put that firmly back in her court. Website, finances, materials, ideas - all back in her court.

If you want to get traditional, outside jobs can be your responsibility and inside jobs can be hers. Do your own washing.

Marriage is about reciprocity. If she doesn't understand the concept of sharing and sometimes doing things for your partner because they are tired, then she doesn't want to be married. She wants a servant.

Also, why don't you slow down the rate at which you're trying to pay off your debts so you can have some extra cash to go to the movies or have meal out?

I think you should either talk to your wife directly, get some close friends to talk to, or talk to a therapist about your relationship issues instead of posting them on a public forum where strangers that have nothing better to do with their time or know nothing about your situtation can give you advice. How would your wife feel if she saw all of this? Probably really hurt and disgusted and probably would have a real hard time trusting you. All of you are losers!

Seriously- that was meant to be a DISAGREE, not an AGREE.

Yeah, well I'm the who needs my tiara shined and I don't really care if you agree or disagree with me. You obviously only heard one side of the skewed story and can't appropriately give advice. In fact, unless you're a psychiatrist, I don't think any of you are in a position to give advice. You just lead sorry little lives where you have to sit on the internet all day and give strangers advice to feel important. I love my husband more than anything in the whole world and would do whatever it takes to make him happy. I just feel bad that he thought he needed advice from losers!

Yeah, well I'm the who needs my tiara shined and I don't really care if you agree or disagree with me. You obviously only heard one side of the skewed story and can't appropriately give advice. In fact, unless you're a psychiatrist, I don't think any of you are in a position to give advice. You just lead sorry little lives where you have to sit on the internet all day and give strangers advice to feel important. I love my husband more than anything in the whole world and would do whatever it takes to make him happy. I just feel bad that he thought he needed advice from losers!


Honey... if THAT is your attitude, then your husband DID need to take advice from "losers".

I wouldn't want to talk to you, either, with that kind of attitude.

And I bet you wouldn't have GONE to a therapist, or even considered that anything was wrong, until you saw this post of your husband's on a public forum.

Snoop much, by the way?

I think ALL of us are in a position to give advice--mostly because many of us have already been through something similar, and experience teaches a lot.

We all KNOW we're hearing one side of the story. Post your side, if you feel it will help.

Personally, I suggest that you BOTH go to a marriage counselor to at least learn how to talk to one another without animosity.

You are 'guytryinghard''s wife?

Now that you've outed yourself, why not give your perspective of events, to all of us with no credentials, no intelligent thought, or anything else to do with our time.

Myself I don't do crafts, don't have time. Maybe some day when I retire. For now, I try to give advice to people who need it, when it is appropriate. And when I have the time.

So, what's your story.

Not trying to put down your wife or anything, but it sounds to me like she is just lazy. Point blank. I have 3 children and live with my boyfriend, who also works his butt off, and I cook, clean and take care of the kids almost always by myself. If she wants to have a work at home business, why should you be picking up her slack on her web page and so on? Maybe suggest she take classes for small business so she can learn these things.

I feel bad that he had to seek advice from losers, and not talk to you directly. So instead of attitude, use your anonymity to straighten out the record, and set us losers who have nothing else to do, straight.