So, I recently (~2months ago) got out of a long term relationship (2 years). It hit me very hard and I came here asking for help. I received some great advice and I am thankful to all those who helped.

Recently I have been socializing with friends, and meeting new people. I met this girl a few days back and we went on a date yesterday. We went to a bar and had a drink. We talked for almost 2 hours. I noticed that she was into me because she kept on sitting closer, was interested in what I had to say, and played with her hair. Afterwards we went to a club and danced. She was very impressed with my dancing ability and we just had fun all night dancing. She still was interested in me because she felt very comfortable with me while dancing. She was touching my chest and enjoyed dancing close together. From there I took her home. At her place she took me inside to have me meet her roommates. They were all asleep. She showed me her place and came up to me to hug me. She placed her hands on my chest and was feeling up my arms and chest. As she hugged me she asked me when she was going to see me again. I told her hopefully real soon and that she could call me anytime. From there we proceeded back to the door. On the way there we stopped and she hugged me. She also went to give me a kiss on the cheek but I pulled her in and we started kissing. She was very much into it and we continued for a bit. She stopped and was breathing heavy and smiled. We continued to the door and we stopped again. We kissed for a bit more and we parted our ways.


Today I asked her if she wanted to go to a concert with me since I was invited by a friend. She told me she had to work until 10pm since she does babysitting as a side job on top of collegel, work, etc... I ended up not going because I chose to stay in and do homework because I have many assignments due real soon. I then texted her told her my my plans changed. I asked her if we could hang out after she got off work tonight. She texted me back and said that she needs to go to bed early tonight but would love to hang out real soon.


So here is my question.

Did she blow me off? Is she not interested in me? Was I too pushy or clingy by asking her 2 times?

What should I do? Should I wait for her to call back?

I asked a few of my girl friends and they told me that it is acceptable to ask what I asked her.

I don't feel bad or anything I just need to know what she is thinking.

Any help is appreciated.




On a side note though. To all the people that know me:

I am not looking for another relationship, I know I need to heal and take more time to myself before dating, and I know I need to stay true to myself and any woman I go on a date with.

Thanks in advanced for all the help.

I think it is wonderful that you are dating again, and it's good to hear you had a great time.

But, (isn't there always a 'but'?) enough time has not yet passed to get seriously involved with a new person.

That your date was honest enough to say that she's busy, or tired, or working, is enough of a hint in my opinion, that she's not ready to jump into anything hot and heavy.

Maybe the passionate kissing has her thinking that you expect the same the next time, or she is unsure of herself and wishes to go slow. Obviously you made a good impression on her, and her on you.

If you push now, and she is at all apprehensive, she will keep declining. I would wait, maybe a week or so, then send a casual email, and ask her out to something specific again.

But, allow some distance between the two of you. Nurture this one slowly, and try not to be in a position where you still have baggage from the recent split with your ex girlfriend.

Time and patience.

Thank you. That is exactly what I was thinking. Now that I asked twice I will not ask again for a while or I will wait for her to respond.

Sounds like rebound in the making. Do not. I repeat do not rush grieving. You will only have more pain down the line. 2 months after a 2 yr longterm relationship is waaaaay too soon to be dating again unless its absolutely casual. I stress really casual. You are overthinking this which says you are looking for something more than casual. Rememeber, she cannot be a replacement for your last relationship. You need to be whole by yourself. When you are confidnet in who you are and what you want it will be practically impossible to be clingy because eyou will respect yourself. Independent people have the #1 strength: Patience.

You've already showed interest in her by contacting her twice. So the ball is on her side of the court. Give her a few days to try to respond. If she doesn't then you can try again.

Take things slow, you're still on the rebound. There's no reason to rush a new relationship.

I would also suggest that you only meet in neutral places (i.e. restaurant, coffee shop, etc.). Going to each other's places could result in a lot of making out and you shouldn't be rushing that part right now as you are on the rebound. Focus on getting to know her better first.

Yes. I agree that I should not be going over to her place. I do not want to rush anything yet because I still enjoy having the freedom to meet many different people. I also agree on the fact that 2 months is still not enough. I am doing a hell of a lot better but there are still some emotions that I need to work through.

I will leave the ball in her court and see what happens from there.

Well, today she texted me asking to hangout on Tuesday. She asked if we could watch a movie or go for a walk. I am happy but worried at the same time.

I have this tendency to fall head over heals for girls. Once I establish that I like a girl, I dive right into it. I just got over (in process) a 2 year relationship and do not want to screw up.

I like this girl a lot and would like to get to know her more. But I am afraid that I will dive in to fast. How do I let her know that I would like to take it slow?

BUT EVEN MORE IMPORTANT, how do I tell MYSELF to slow down and not dive in?

Just focus on "talking only". No intimacy. That will keep things slow.

Stick to neutral places, not each other's homes. Don't contact her more than once a day.

Thank you I wish.

It is so weird how my heart can overpower my brain in these situations.

When I was on a date with her, I did not compare her to my ex. I did not think about my ex at all while on the date. I definitely think I have come far since the break up but there is something inside me that is telling me that I am not completely over her. I still love her even though she did horrible things to me. But I also do not want her to come back. Maybe I am just lying to myself. Who knows.

Can I continue seeing this new girl with these feelings? I mean I do not want to hurt her so I know for sure that I will not do anything to make her feel that way.

OR...

Should I stop all contact and just work on myself some more?

I really do like this girl so I don't know if I could do the second option.

Just go on the date. No need to explain to her why you wish to take it slow. At this point you two are just getting to know each other. Keep things simple for now. Don't skip ahead, enjoy the journey.

You're getting too far ahead of yourself. The problem with rebounds is that you're rushing to get into a new relationship.

Focus on one hang out at the time. Get to know her better. Enjoy the time you spend together. Don't get so far ahead of yourself. Don't think about the next date before you even go on this one.

Yeah I am definitely not rushing around to find a new girlfriend in order to heal my pain. I have gone on a few dates with several different girls. All of them with the exception of this one I have just had platonic feelings for them. But with this new girls I actually have feelings for her.

After the first date I kept on telling myself that it is OK if she does not call back. I told myself that it was just one date and I should not think any further than that. That is what I will do when I hang out with her this coming Tuesday.

Yep, you're saying something and you're doing something else. What you need is to be straight with her and tell her you need time alone. You DON'T need a relationship right now.

I know I do not need one. I can happy without one but there is something about this girl that attracts me to her. I've met and went on dates with drop dead gorgeous girls but I did not feel a connection at all. This girl is different and it is something that I would like to explore more. I am not saying that I want to be in a relationship with her. But I am saying that I would like to get to know her more and see what happens from there.

Yeah I am definitely not rushing around to find a new girlfriend in order to heal my pain. I have gone on a few dates with several different girls. All of them with the exception of this one I have just had platonic feelings for them. But with this new girls I actually have feelings for her.

After the first date I kept on telling myself that it is ok if she does not call back. I told myself that it was just one date and I should not think any further than that. That is what I will do when I hang out with her this coming Tuesday.

**Harshness Warning : Very differing opinion from the others as well

You are a complete walking contradiction and I have warned you against everything that you are feeling right now.

1) You are rushing things. You called her twice and acted a bit over the top
2) You already have feelings for her that shouldn't be there after a 2 year relationship JUST ended
3) You are already analyzing every action she takes, which is a red flag in anyone's book
4) You are already trying to talk yourself out of thinking she may not like you; you cannot possibly hang out with her and think logically, it has been thrown out of the window

I am not saying don't date or don't hangout with her, but you yourself said you cannot help going after something you like once you see it. This has rebound written all over it. Whether you see it or not, we can. What if you go on another date, your feelings get more attached and she ends up telling you she doesn't feel it with you? How would you feel? You really need to slow down and recognize certain things going on around you.

I have never seen a more discreetly arrogant poster than you are. You constantly talk about going on dates with these gorgeous girls, constantly talk about being extremely smart, active and fit and all the while you proclaim like you don't need another women, yet and still you fall head over heals for the first one that catches your eye, all the while still proclaiming like you won't "let" yourself get into another relationship yet.



On a side note though. To all the people that know me:

I am not looking for another relationship, I know I need to heal and take more time to myself before dating, and I know I need to stay true to myself and any woman I go on a date with.


:rolleyes: I've been around for awhile, and this statement is pure BS in my book. You know I got your back and I always will, but don't kid a kidder my friend.

Kc`s a 100% right. You don`t date and have feelings. Period. You are saying something and doing the complete opposite, you have made so many mistakes, you still continue to do them. Every time you do a mistake you come back here.

Don`t go on Tuesday, leave her alone tell her you don`t want anything. I warned you.

She may have a other boyfriend
Parents don't want her to hang out withu
Feels weird

Kc, I respect your opinion in every way and I agree with you that this could possibly end up bad. I also agree with you that I am rushing into things. I apologize for my errogent comments and I did not want those comments to come out that way.

I do not want a rebound relationship. But I also do want to explore this relationship a bit further. I want to do this the right way without it ending up in a rebound relationship. How can I do this?

Here is were I stand with my past relationship. I accept what has happened. I have stopped having my lows and have been just enjoying being myself again. I have focused my attention on school and work again. I do not see her. I do not talk to her and when I am in class I do not initiate any contact with her. I still love her but it is not the same love I once had. I think I will have these feelings for her forever. I have moarned and have gone through all the stages of the break up. I agree that I am not completely healed. I still need some time to pass.

I do not understand why I am rebounding. My definition of a rebound is finding someone to help you get over an ex. I am not going on dates with her in order to get over my ex. I do not want to get back at her or anything else.

As for analyzing, I overanalyze everything ad not just with dates. That is how I am.


So, I do not want to argue or defend myself because I true you all, especially kc. But I also do not want to leave this new girl. I want to explore and see what happens. If we end it after the second date then so it be. But if things progress than that is fine too.

So what I need from you all is some advice as to how to foster this new relationship without turning it into a rebound relationship.

Thank you for the honesty and I value all opinions. Also I would like to once again apologize for any arrogant commers.

Dating works like this: Have no expectations, keep it balanced and enjoy EVERYTHING! If you can live by those three simple things, you will reap the rewards. Expect NOTHING! Dating or even getting to know someone is not about reading their actions as a personal strike against you, it is about consuming all the good times and realizing that there are no absolutes, so you take what you can and give what you may, but at the end of the day, remain true to yourself.

To recap, I don't think you are arrogant, I just think some may get a feeling you consider yourself an extremely attractive and well put together guy. While that may be true, I want you to also remember it is the man who can do the talking with his action that gets the most out of everything.

Why don't you just focus on getting to know her better as a friend? At the same time, don't stop yourself from getting to know other people as well.

The problem is that you're considering more than a friendship with her.

Only when you've completely recovered from your break up, then you can start considering more romantic feelings for someone. But until then, just treat everyone you meet like a regular friend, including her.

Both posts make a lot of sense. I highly agree with the fact that I should continue meeting new people and just treat her like I would any other friend.

I think what screwed me up is the fact that we kissed and made out. After that my head started thinking.

I talked to some close friends of mine today who know the state I am in and also know about the break up. They basically said what you guys told me for the most part. They told me to treat it as a friendship and just enjoy one day at a time. They told me that I am over my ex and that it will not turn into a rebound relationship as long as I take it slow.

Well, second date went very well. I went in there telling myself to take it one date at a time and not look into the future. I said to myself to treat every date like it's the last one. We went for a walk and hung out around campus. We talked A LOT and kept on getting to know each other better. We ended up kissing a few times throughout the date and everything was great.

I am keeping it at this. I am not "working" on a relationship. I am just enjoying the time that I am given with her.

*sigh*, what's the point really, you don't listen. Don't you find it strange how fast you "healed" miracously after you find that girl. It's called rebound even if you say it's something else.

I also had my own possibilities of making out with girls right after my break up. One really hot girl was all over me and she was really pissed I didn't kissed her (so hot... ). Though I knew it was "only" a kiss, I wouldn't do it, it wouldn't be fair to her and to me, and I wouldn't heal properly. I actually wanted to live the actually pain and get better by MYSELF, so that I become a better person. I see the result now and I'm a have much better integrity than before.

You can either take your way or listen to us. The difference is that we have the experience you don't.

I think everyone needs to chill a little bit. I have felt this way before I met her. I am not looking for anything right now. I am just enjoying the journey. I am not trying to control anything that is happening. I don't feel weak anymore and I have all my emotions under control.

I like this girl for who she is. I am not bringing any baggage with me. I am happy if we don't go beyond friendship.

But you all can continue sighing. I appreciate everyone's opinion and I listen to it as much as I can but this time I think I'm right. I'll take my chances.

You know your healed, and ready for more, when your willing to take a risk.

Mind you though quick actions have their own consequences, but the point is when your having fun, have fun. No relationship talk for 6 months. Just date, and have other people places and things, to balance yourself so you don't get fixated on the girl, for now. Don't get carried away, by her, or yourself.

Its when things are going really great, is the time to keep it real.

Take KC's warning to heart, and have fun with no expectations for more.

I agree with you tal. I do not want to get out of control and have it turn into my last relationship where I invested ALL my time into her. I do want to have a balance where I can be happy with friends, dating, and everything else.

For example. I really want to hang out with her but I am choosing to hang out with friends tomorrow night and go out dancing. This weekend I am also choosing to hang out with my friends and go to a halloween party. She did ask me to hang out again and we will most likely hang out this Saturday but I am not putting her first. It sounds selfish but I am putting myself first. I need to enjoy MY life, not ours or hers or theirs.

There you go, its all about keeping your options and opportunities open, and more importantly, having the eyes to recognize them, and having the heart to pursue them when you see them.

Well last night was great for the most part. I went out dancing with friends and this new girl I've been seeing came along with a small group of her friends. We danced and had a blast. While dancing we really connect and there was definitely an attraction between us there. From there we decided to go to her place with her friends/roomates.

Her and I ended up talking in the living room until 3:30am. Here is the caution flag part. She told me how she had an ex that she broke up a few months back. She told him that she would give him another chance if he cleaned up (did drugs, etc... ). It turns out that he actually got his life together in the last few months. But now she says that she likes me very much and doesn't know what to do.

I didn't even know what to say so I just told her to make the decision that is best for her.

Having heard this definitely doesn't make me want to get into anything serious with her because I feel like she is not over her ex. So I think I will just keep it at casual dating/friendship.

What do you all think of this situation?

Is that the same girl you went out with and make out?

Yes

It's your decision basically, but it depends on what you want. If you feel ready to go into another relationship go for it, but be sure you are completely healed up though, so I'd advise against that.

I think the process after the break up should be healing up, then after healed up, give yourself between 2 to 4 month as a single (blocking any girl's attempt). After that just live normally and if something happens, then great, if not then you don't care because your life is wonderful without it.

My take on this is neither you nor the girl you've been dating are properly healed from your breakups yet.
I agree with paxe-several months of just dating and having a good social life is the best way to go.

I agree. Especially since my ex keeps stabbing me. Today without a choice I had to listen to how she is hanging out with 2 guys and having a great Halloween weekend. She pisses me off so much. I had a great time last night an this weekend will be great too but she keeps hurting me this way and it's making it difficult to move on.

I think this has been said before-it's because you still have to see her quite often that it's diffficult to move on-but at some point you'll have to make up your mind to ignore her completely-start by faking it till you make it.

Your mad at her because she is doing, what your doing, but she is doing it with two guys?? What's the logic in that, and how is she stabbing you now?

As to the date, your having fun, aren't you? Doesn't matter what her issue is, she is fun, doing what your doing, HAVING FUN. I think your seeing what I have been saying, date them all, so your solution is clear, broaden your dating circle.

Did you tell the new girl about your break up, and wasn't looking to get serious? Buddy, that's a shared laugh. Keep it fun!!

Well what I am trying to say is that I am not mentioning to my ex how I've been dating this girl. I always use the term friends and try avoid hurting her. She on the other hand flirts in front of me and tells me all this I don't want to hear. I avoid every possible contact but she always tries to talk to me. I keep things short a simple but she tells me more then I want to know.

But this new girl is very much into me but still has some baggage from her last relationship. I told her about my ex and that relationship. I told her how I am living in the moment and not looking forward too much.

This is just another low that will pass. I will be fine later tonight. I am going out with friends and will possibly see the new girl again.

I hope you had a good time and that you re feeling better today.

So lets talk about mistakes.
Oh boy.

What happened?
Am I going to say I told you so lol?

I admire this girl for getting out of a bad relationship with someone who had a drug problem. Probably him getting clean was a last step to see if the relationship would ever work out.

Now that he is clean, he's only been clean a few months, and that is not long enough. But she may very well feel an obligation to re-kindle that relationship, now that he is the man she wanted him to be- clean and sober.

While she is teetering on that slippery slope, and says that she is feeling confused between you and her ex, and doesn't know what to do, you tell her she needs to make her own choice.

To me, that says that you are interested in a relationship with her. If she chooses you, and then you say you don't want a serious relationship, where does that leave her.

While you want to have each date with her, as though it were your last, it sounds like she is on the verge of each date leading to another date, leading to a relationship.

Have you actually told her you aren't interested in a long term relationship? Or that you are not ready to commit to a relationship with her?

I hope you have, because if she chooses you, which you know she is wrestling with right now, and then you speak up, that doesn't seem very honest or fair.

Jake, I did tell her how I just got out of a LTR and still needed to take things slow. She told me she is being cautious too. I think we both need to resolve any problems we have with our ex's.

I know I am being a hypocrite because I said above that I do not want a relationship now. But in the last few days that I have been getting to know her I really have been attracted to many of her qualities. So I do not know if I want to stay single. I really need to take things slow though even though I kind of did something yesterday that I probably shouldn't have.

Which leads me into what Paxe is asking me. We went to a party together with her roommates. We danced, hung out, I met new people, etc... From there we went back to her house with her roommates. We talked for a bit and we all decided to hit the bed. I didn't want to drive back since I still was under the influence. She offered me to sleep over. So I did and one thing led to another. I think you all can paint the rest of the scene. We woke up the next morning and there was no tension between us. I was not awkward and we both had no regrets.

I would definitely keep a friendship stance with this girl. Friendship is way underrated. I would explain to this girl that you would like to hang out, but that considering bith situations, it is not wise to go beyond platonic. That way you can see how things go before any major emotions are present. Don't make her your priority,just keep contact occasionally... and NO kissing.

When you are young, date lots of people before you dive in. I don't think you are the only one of us with a tendency to become involved too quickly. That way you can get to meet more people and have more chance of meeting someone that is compatible with you.

Try not to buy into the old myth that one needs someone to fulfill them/complete them. This is a load of Bull#$%*. All of us needto rely on ourselves for completeness, rather than looking for it outside ourselves, in another person.

I think you are doing better than alotof people in the same situation because you are THINKING about your situation and analysing it, rather than ignoring your doubts and hopingeverything will just be OK. Don't worry... being young is a very confusing time and believe me, it probably only gets clearer by the decade not the year!

Good luck. By the way I think you are a sensitive and insightful person, by no means arrogant, only confused. :-)

Thank you sandalwood for your advice and kind words. I agree with you very much on the fact that I am still young and confused. I am just learning and trying to figure out everything. I am learning some things through experience and other things through trial and error.

Either way I think things will turn out for the best. They always do.

I had not seen your last post (must have been while I was writing mine).

Once you have slept with someone, things change forever.

I would take time out with this girl because you are only going to get hurt. Have a frank conversation with her and be sensitive/notcallous but tell her that this is not a good idea for either of you right nowand you need time apart to chill. Given your tendencies to get involved quickly, I think this is the safest option for you. It is very unlikely that this will work long term if you pursue it now, given that you have just gotten out of a long term relationship (NOT A GOOD FOUNDATION FOR A NEW RELATIONSHIP).

Also, from experience, I strongly believe that you need complete distance from your ex for at least a year to be completely over them. You may be able to regain contact with your ex, but only after many years and it will NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN. It is not fair that she is contacting you.Tell her to stop doing this.

Be single and get to know yourself a bit better. Enjoy your friends and what they have to offer. I say at least a year. You will be less afraid to be alone and will feel less need to dive into a relationship quickly in the future if you do this experiment.

Your learning something that you should already know, physical intimacy (hugging, kissing, making out, and sex) clouds the judgment, and makes for some intense feeling. Especially when under the influence.

WARNING- This is no time to make big decision about relationships, or feelings. Nothing has changed except the redistribution of body fluids.

Your feeling good, you should be, don't over think this, and figure the intense feeling are love.

Lust wears off, love grows, but I think keeping your wits about you, and staying balanced is the only way to go.

Wonder if she keeps her wits about her too, you'll find out.

Everyone is right and there is little that I can add. You are confused and still young, and there is a lot to learn.

It takes a real complete man to stay single and not be scared of being alone. A real man sticks to his decisions and doesn't change them in a whim.

Take everyone's advice and stick to them. Be single, don't pursue anything. If casual dating will end up in kissing, sex and confusion, then don't date, hang out with girls and boys.

I think we need to distinguish something here. I am fine with being single. I am not dating this new girl because I am afraid to be alone. I am not dating this girl in order to get over my ex. I am genuinely interested in her because of her qualities, personality, etc... You are all right that I should slow down and not rush into anything because it is still to early and I have told this to the new girl. I probably shouldn't have hooked up with this girl either because it only made things messy.

You use the word messy and mostly that s what we get if we jump in too soon. Just allow yourself to get truly over the ex and enjoy life. You have a lot of insight just remember to think with your head.

I think we need to distinguish something here. I am fine with being single. I am not dating this new girl because I am affraid to be alone. I am not dating this girl in order to get over my ex. I am genuinely interested in her because of her qualities, personality, etc.... You are all right that I should slow down and not rush into anything because it is still to early and I have told this to the new girl. I probably shouldn't have hooked up with this girl either because it only made things messy.

It's neither a question of slowing down or being genuinely interested in her. It's a matter of really healing and making the right decision, once you get completely over your ex. You have to tell her you can't be with anyone with right now, you will just end up hurting her.

Are you really thinking with your head for this girl? I mean you first said you weren't going to date anyone and needed some time alone. Then you went from that to dating, from dating to kissing, from kissing to sex, then from sex to relationship and you started with "I don't want to be in a relationship now".

It doesn't seem like someone who is composed or in control of his own emotions. You can say whatever you want, but your actions speaks louder than your words.

You are right Paxe. My actions do speak louder then my words.

I sat down with her and talked with her about this relationship. I asked her if we could take things really slow and see what happens from there. I do not want to leave her completely because I do have feelings from her. My mind is not clouded by the hook up or my ex. These feelings are genuine. We have agreed to take things very slow and just see what happens as we get to know each other more. We are hanging out tomorrow and will be cooking dinner together. The other night we watched a movie with her roommates.


I don't know if this is the right thing to do but this is the decision I made. I still have all the freedom to hang out with others and enjoy being single.

Anyone have any advice as to how to move forward in this new relationship without having it turn into a rebound. In what state do I have to be in order to accept a new relationship?

Currently, I have accepted that I am not ever getting back together with my ex. I have accepted that being single is not a bad thing. I know that a relationship is only a bonus to my life and not the main focus. I am even OK with my ex having a new boyfriend even though I think it's a rebound. But either way I do not care. Yes I was hurt when I first heard it but all it took was a little bag punching to get the anger out.

Since you don't want to lose this relationship and it is your decision, take it slow, really really slow. Basically don't give yourself into it or even think about it too much.

That is exactly what I have been telling myself. I tell myself that if we do not end up in a relationship that it will not be the end of the world. I am letting things just happen. I am trying to put most of my focus on my education, family, and martial arts training.

I can relate to that. I had my share since my break up of girls being attracting to me, but I have been concentrating on all those stuff and until now life has been great. You do have the occasional "what if I don't find someone" popping in your head and peer pressure, but you dismiss it and you continue your day. Being single for some time is actually really good.

Yes, being single is not a bad thing. I think right now I am in this mode where I do want to be in relationships. All through high school I was not interested in being in a relationship. I focused mainly on my education and friends. I enjoyed that time to myself. But once I came to college that changed. I really enjoyed being in a relationship. I really do enjoy having an intimate connection with another person. Not having this doesn't make my life worse but it does ad another dimension to my life. Also, since I did not date much in high school this is still a new concept to me and it is one I would like to explore further. I do need to slow down a bit and recover still before starting another relationship but I really like this girl for several reasons.


What I am about to say is very tough for me to explain and I hope it does not get taken the wrong way.

In my past relationship it was all about equality. Great! I am all for equality and would never want to have the upper hand, control, etc... over anyone. But my ex never made me feel like a man because to her everything was equal. She did comment on my strength and masculinity once in a while mostly made me feel inadequate because she felt like she could do everything that I could do. Once again nothing wrong with that but it is the way she carried it out. It feels good for a guy to be needed. Whether it be opening a jar or lifting something heavy. With my ex she always told me she could do it and I should even ask her if she needed help with it. She used to get angry when once in a while I asked if she needed help. I would understand if I asked constantly but that was not the case.

With this new girl she really makes me feel good and makes me feel like a man. Don't get me wrong though. I am not seeking to be macho masculine man. I consider myself metrosexual and fit the double standard well. But sometimes it just feels good to do man things. After all I was born one. But this new girls definitely understands. Whether it be her feeling up my muscles and telling me that I am strong or asking me what is wrong with her car. My ex would have never asked even though she knows that I know how to fix anything on a car. She would figure it out herself and maybe ask later only because she knows that she can't figure it out. Once again there is nothing wrong with that but it is the way she carried it out and made me feel when I offered help.

I don't even know if any of this makes sense but I hope someone understands.

A good partner does make you feel good, yeah we do understand that.

Hahaha you summed up my whole speech in one sentence but that is exactly what I was trying to get at.

Its weird, I am rereading my past posts and I am basically arguing myself and contradicting myself.

At points I say I want to be single and then a few posts later I say I want another relationship.

I say one thing, do another, and change my mind constantly. I am not ready for a relationship yet no matter what I keep saying.

But I do want to see where this current situation is leading too. I think as long as I stay honest with myself and this new girl things will go well. Also, I need to take things slow too. Very slow at that.

Sex has a way of speeding things up, though. Be careful. Nothing makes feelings more intense than good hot sex.

Ask me how I know.

Yes, I agree. No more of that. If I want to genuinely like this girl for who she is I will need to stay away from further intimacy.

I just need to repeat to myself over and over again: SLOW DOWN!!

Yes-babysteps. And the contradictory feelings are normal.

Ok so here is my dilema and I need some advice.

So we went on another date last night and we just took time to talk about each other and get to know each other very well. We both seem very compatible and have many similar outlooks and interests. Today, we had lunch together and she told me how she called her ex and told him that she will not ever get back with him and that he should stop trying to contact her. Basically she broke up with him several months back and told him if he cleaned up his act (stop using drugs) that maybe she would give him a second chance. He did clean up but she still does not want to get back with him because there was more wrong with the relationship than just the drugs. She said that she is ready to continue getting to know me more and possibly entering a relationship.

Here is where I stand. I feel like her and I would get along very well and we could form a great relationship. I do not know right now if I am ready to invest my time into another relationship. I really enjoy the freedom I have right now as a single person. But I also do like this girl and feel like we could have a great relationship. I invested my entire self into the last relationship and lost a part of myself. I do not want for this to happen again. Also, I am afraid of commitment. In my last relationship we had intamacy and passion but no commitment. If I were to be in another relationship I would love to have all three. I do not want to invest my time again and just be heartbroken again just because a girl cannot be committed. I know it is hard for college aged students to be committed but I feel it is an important quality that I seek.

Sounds as though you could both use some non-commital time. What is the harm in just dating without all that serious relationship talk?
And, I could be wrong, but it sounds like your projecting... You can't compare new interests to old. When you do, it taints how you think about the other person. Stunts any growth you could share.
I think you might want some more time... You are still healing.

She might be using you as a rebound. When you enter a relationship, enter it without thinking about the future. Don't project anything. You may well get heartbroken, heck you will get heartbroken, but every time you'll become stronger until you find that right person for you. Tell her, you just want to stay very close friends with her and take it from there. Be slow, very slow.

Here is where I stand. I feel like her and I would get along very well and we could form a great relationship. I do not know right now if I am ready to invest my time into another relationship. I really enjoy the freedom I have right now as a single person. But I also do like this girl and feel like we could have a great relationship. I invested my entire self into the last relationship and lost a part of myself. I do not want for this to happen again. Also, I am affraid of committment. In my last relationship we had intamacy and passion but no committment. If I were to be in another relationship I would love to have all three. I do not want to invest my time again and just be heartbroken again just because a girl cannot be committed. I know it is hard for college aged students to be committed but I feel it is an important quality that I seek.

The first part of this paragraph you explain why you KNOW it wouldn't be a good idea to be in a relationship. Listen to yourself. Read your own words and then logically deduct an answer from that.

The second part is all generalizations. It isn't hard to commit in college or being that age. I am not sure who you run across, but give me a break. You constantly talk about the standards you have in regards to relationships and then go on about how you are enjoying the "single" life. I may be wrong here, but I don't see how you have lived the "single" life at all. Agonizing yourself over whether a certain female may be the right one for you months after a devastating breakup doesn't seem like enjoyment.

You are afraid of commitment, yet you demand a female who wants to commit fully to you. You see any sort of contradiction in that? Back off my friend, and enjoy the "single" life as you so proclaim you are doing. No hurry to commit to anything but having fun.

And for future endeavors, let things happen naturally. Not everything is an obvious formula that must be solved. Not everything has an answer that guarantees one way or another your prolonged happiness. Most things in life are a gamble that we have to take a chance on.

KC's so right! There is absolutely no shame in being single for a LONG time. You need to relax on expectations and not think about it too long.

Once again you all are right. But I am not afraid to be single hence why I am having difficulty deciding if I want to stay single or enter a relationship. Right now we both have been just hanging out. We see each other and just talk. We are getting to know each other well. We are not having sex or anything along those lines besides the occasional kiss.

I am also currently under a lot of stress and have started to loose my motivation. Working 3 jobs, 17 credits, clubs, taekwondo, etc... has taken a toll on me. It has happened before and I have over come it before so I know it will get better.

I think this is what I need to do and please let me know if this is the right thing to do.

1.) Take some time off work
2.) Focus on my school work
3.) Keep going slow with this new girl and not commit right away.
4.) Get some sleep
5.) Free up my schedule somehow and stop doing something.
6.) Stop bit***ng

I guess number 6 should come first... Also going out and drinking cost a lot of money, you could cut on one job, and cut expenses. Cut also other activities or even going out with this girl.

I'm sorry to be harsh, but you are saying something and doing something else. Can you read what you are saying? You are not afraid of being single, you want to be single, but you don't want to lose her?? I'm sorry but you need to grow some and make some man decision, you're not 17 anymore.

You do know it is wrong what you are doing? Heck, if that was the solution, I would have gone out with tons of girls, but I rejected them ALL. Do the same, stay single. What you need is friends, not a new relationship.

When we come out of a longterm relationship we need quite some time to heal and recover.
It's important that we learn to live with and like ourselves.
Its OK to make new friends but it seems your spending quite some time agonizing over whether you should get together with this new girl when I think you d be doing yourself a favour if you just relaxed and tried to enjoy life-one day at the time.

I guess number 6 should come first... Also going out and drinking cost a lot of money, you could cut on one job, and cut expenses. Cut also other activities or even going out with this girl.

I'm sorry to be harsh, but you are saying something and doing something else. Can you read what you are saying? You are not afraid of being single, you want to be single, but you don't want to lose her?!?! I'm sorry but you need to grow some and make some man decision, you're not 17 anymore.

You do know it is wrong what you are doing? Heck, if that was the solution, I would have gone out with tons of girls, but I rejected them ALL. Do the same, stay single. What you need is friends, not a new relationship.


Ok I get it. I keep contradicting myself and changing what I say all the time. Its called reasoning and trying to come up with the best answer. This is all a new experience for me. I have never been in a LTR before this. I never had my heart broken. I am just learning and trying to figure out the right from wrong.

I understand that bro, I've been there also and the pain I've had is... indescribable. It was also my first relationship. The reason I'm harsh with you is that I made mistakes and that led me to extreme pain and what I'm trying to do here is help you out so that you don't pass the same pain. We suffered and learned so that others don't suffer as much when we share our experience.

Ok, so disregard any knowledge you know about me and please just focus on this question alone.

I am kind of confused about dating when it comes to love. With my first love, I immediately, on the first day, fell in love with her and I really do mean "in love." With this new girl I do not feel the same way. I like her a lot and I think we could form a great relationship but I do not have the same feelings I had for my ex. Is this normal? Will those feelings develop over time?

Can someone give me a run down on how the next relationship usually works after your first love. Thank you

Sorry, I just can't forget everything I know about you because this question leads me to give you the same advice...
You are comparing old relationship to perspective new. You are also 'putting the cart before the horse.' First you get to know someone, this takes time. Then if what you learn about that someone is favorable to you, that is when you start to develop feelings. Love is something that grows. Anything that happens on the first date or 'immediately' is called infatuation, or lust. Its not true, lasting, real love.

There is no protocol on how the next relationships work. People are different, hence the difference in experience. First of all, don't worry about not being in love, it's normal it just means you matured a bit and secondly, we can't forget what we know about you and the simple fact you are asking this question shows that you seriously considering a relationship with this girl, which you were against to begin with.

Just a recipe for more pain.

So I guess according to your post I must have been infatuated with my ex at first and then in love later on.

I am not comparing the two and I have been very good about not comparing the two. But I am just confused because I do not have the same feelings that I had before and was wondering if that is what is suppose to happen. That is all.

Technically yes, "love" is such a strange concept. Love is something very strong, like a bond between brothers, or father to son, or mother to daughter.

It is more than normal to not have the same feelings, you have more experience and can be more rational about this... on certain levels.

So you're actually going to have a relationship with this girl?

This is comparing... You are compairing how you felt then to now. "I do not have the same feelings"
I could seem like I'm 'spliting hairs' here but Im really not. I just want you to listen to yourself...
Falling in love, real love, is a unique, personalized situation. I don't think anyone can tell you what is suppose to happen. Nor should you be skipping ahead by wondering...
Seems you are intent on, living in the past, or obsessing on the future. The real living is right now, this moment. Yes, as you read these words. Realize this, and you may enjoy the journey of real life, real love.

I am living in the now and doing my best not to compare.

I was just curious hence why I am asking. I am not dwelling on it. I am asking because I am not experienced in LTR. This is my second one or will be if that is what happens. I only dated before casually.

I am studying to be a psychologist and tend analyze everything.

You just don't seem to understand... Just the words "Long Term Relationship" should not be in your vocabulary right now...
Maybe you should analyse why you are so intent on being in a rebound situation.

All right, I am using the wrong vocabulary. Sorry!
I specifically asked not to bring in the current situation into this discussion.

I feel like I am capable enough to understand and know when I am in a rebound relationship. How do I know if I am ready to be in another relationship?

1.) I am done mourning
2.) I have accepted the fact that she is never coming back nor would I like her to come back.
3.) She is rebounding with another guy and I do not have a problem with it.
4.) I see her 2-3 times a week due to having the same class and I do not talk to her at all. When she approaches me I keep things short and simple.
5.) I have thrown away and put away everything she gave me. Deleted her phone number, Facebook, etc..
6.) When I think of the two of us, I think of the good times as well as the bad times. I cherish the good times, and realize why we are not compatible by looking at the bad things.
7.) I accept the fact that being single is OK
8.) I have gone out on dates with other women and did not immediately try to form anything more than a friendship
9.) I am dating this woman because I enjoy her qualities, we have many similar interests, and I am very compatible with her.


I can keep going if you want me to. I think you need to understand that some people move on faster than others. I have a great support system (parents, friends, mentors, AMHD, etc.. ) and this is what helped me move on fast.

Also, I have told her that I would like to take it slow because I do not want to enter the relationship with baggage. She understands and feels the same way. We are very open about our past relationships and are very cautious. We are not rushing into anything and we are thinking clearly with our brains, not hearts, or the other brain in the pants.

Sorry, thought she might be the one rebounding... I'll stop.

Oh!

Well I need to take a good look at that too because her ex is still haunting her which makes me feel uncomfortable and very cautious. She tells me that she is completely over him but he still keeps contacting her. She keeps telling him not to contact her but he is not listening.

I told her that I do not want to enter into a relationship with her if there is still baggage. She agreed with me. Hence why we are both taking very slow.

I respect your decision, but from my experience the reason why you are doing from 1 to 9 is because you find a "replacement".
I'm just warning you. Would you be completely healed if there was no girl at all involved in your life?

Yes because most those steps occurred before I met this girl.

Well then enjoy yourself :D.

Well, I have come to a cross road. One decision will take me into one direction and the other in another direction. Which do I choose?

Here are the 2 possible outcomes:

Outcome 1: Stay single. Continue living the single life and meeting new people. Enjoy the last years of college and continue focusing on school. Enjoy the freedom and being able to do what I want when I want.


Outcome 2: Start another relationship with a girl who is beautiful, smart, very compatible, honest, can make me feel great, etc... Enjoy having a partner to share life moments with. Learn from them and vice-verca. Still have the option to experience college life, meet new people, and still have a partner by my side.


Both have drawbacks too and I think we all know them well. Right now we are still dating but from what I can see, she is ready for a relationship.

But I have another question:


She keeps asking me why I chose her. She tells me that I am so nice and she keeps trying to find something wrong with me but can't. From what I can gather her ex's where not the most nice people to her. I am not acting any different either. I am being myself and that is the person she is seeing.

How do I intepret this? What do I make of this?

Outcome 1