I reconnected with someone I knew over 20 years ago in Jan of this year. We were both separating from our spouses at the time though he was still living with his spouse because of a job loss. I knew better before getting into the relationship. We started as friends and it evolved from there. He has had a lot of hurt in his past including multiple forms of abuse as a young child. He shared things with me that I know he had never opened up to any other person about and we had an extremely strong connection. As time went on I got more and more frustrated at the sneaking around and at him still being at home, but with no job what could he do? He didn't have friends in town and would not move 3 hours away to stay with members of his family mostly because he would have to stay in the house where a lot of the painful issues from his childhood took place. He was stuck and because I was ending my marriage as well and all of the emotions with that and with issues I have never dealt with related to having to be an adult at a very young age due to my parents being irresponsible, I started to unravel. I became more and more possessive and tested him constantly. I think I never really trusted him as I do not trust anyone easily. At the beginning of Sept I did a stupid stupid thing.. I figured out his password to his email account based on info he had shared with me and signed on and sent emails between us to his wife, who knew nothing about us. He told me (before he found out it was me who sent the emails )that he could not have contact with me until he figured out what to do and where he was going, if he was going, etc. He found out it was me and needless to say he hates me now and cut off all contact. He would not return calls or emails and eventually just blocked my phone number and email address. I can only imagine how devastated he is right now because I know he does not trust easily and he completely opened up to me and I abused that. I completely regret it! He and I spoke often of how connected we felt to each other and spoke of being together always. We would argue and always come back very quickly because we cared so much for the other. I have apologized repeatedly and have tried to give him space now. I will send him a short note every couple weeks saying I am thinking of him or I am sorry, on a site we both are on that you don't have to put in a from address so it cannot be blocked. He has not removed his email address from that site which he could easily as it is not a site he uses a lot. He has also stayed listed as a connection to me on another site though I have not emailed through that site because I don't want him to just remove me from his list of contacts. I feel like that may be a way of him saying he is not completely done... but I may just be fooling myself. I am having a hard time moving on because I feel like there was no closure at all. I have not had a chance to speak to him and formally apologize and not make an excuse but explain how I ended up in that crazy spot. I still cannot believe I ever did that! It was implusive and not like me at all. I wish I could take it back but cannot and have to just figure out how to move forward. I miss him terribly and really did feel like we had a connection. I feel like I accepted so much from his past that most women would run from and yet he is not even interested in trying to find out why I would do something so crazy like this when it is not the person he knew or fell in love with. I think the fact that he still cannot find work does not help. He really is trapped in a way. His wife while she is livid and I am sure making his life very hard is not the kind of woman that would ever want him to leave. I swear I feel like I am writing a soap opera rather than my life at this point :o Any advice/thoughts? Sorry this was SO long!

Leave him alone. He's married. He wants nothing to do with you.

Why would he tell his wife about you? He's having his cake and eating it too.

You need time to heal. Be single for a while. Pamper and spoil yourself. Gain a new respect for yourself.

Well first off, if you felt like you couldn't really trust him then you have to go with your instincts and I'm sure you are right. You shouldn't have done what you did, but it is done now. I believe that if you felt like doing that then it is what it is. Why regret it? You felt it was necessary and there was a point for it so don't forget that and don't blame yourself. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe it's the only reason for all this between you two to end so that you can find someone more suitable for yourself without all the drama. Good luck!

Hello Tobehappy,

It sounds like you have trust issues with people in general. That is something that you need to work on. But the fact remains that you were/are interested in a married man, which is a BIG NO NO! You really need to move on. I know you are going through a hard time emotionaly and this too shall pass.. He doesn't want you in his life anymore.

You know what I find comical, is that you mentioned he has trust issues with people, and yet he cheats on his wife?

My advice to you is to move on and focus on yourself. The time will come when you find another love, and when you do, make sure to put yourself out there with trust and communication. Going through someone's e-mails is not a good example of trust. Try to work on that and in due time you will find another love. Good luck my friend.

Not surprising to needy people get together and make such an utter disaster of it. He lied his butt off and you believed it because you wanted to. That's what needy people do.

Its over now, and its time to get healthy, by letting all your wounds heal, and unpack your baggage, all of it.

Forgive yourself and put this behind you, so you can start to work on yourself. There is much work to do.

In a way, you may have saved yourself a lot of waiting, and a lot of heartache.

You gave him an excuse to come clean to his wife, and leave her for you. But, he didn't do that, despite being 'outed' by the email to his wife. With the affair being a surprise to her as you said, she most likely put him through hell, and he must have done some really convincing grovelling because he's still there.

I doubt he had ever planned to leave her in the first place.

He's laying low for now, but keeping you on a little teeny tiny thread as a contact in some of the sites you both frequent. Maybe he has in mind to contact you when the dust settles. He knows you are still interested, he just has to convince his wife, that HE isn't.

When he does come around, think long and hard about what not trusting your instincts have taught you the first time around with this man. You didn't trust him, and you had good reason to. He was deceiptful, and lied about his intent to you. He used you, and you fell into the trap of believing him to be truthful.

I hope this is also another lesson. The next time you decide to have a man in your life, make sure that he is single. Married ones are too much work, and seldom pay off.

By Jake2008,


In a way, you may have saved yourself a lot of waiting, and a lot of heartache.

You gave him an excuse to come clean to his wife, and leave her for you. But, he didn't do that, despite being 'outed' by the email to his wife. With the affair being a surprise to her as you said, she most likely put him through hell, and he must have done some really convincing grovelling because he's still there.

I doubt he had ever planned to leave her in the first place."


Jake, I just wanted to take a moment and THANK YOU for your reply. It is sad to think that I never stopped to consider that for the few days before he knew I sent the emails he did have the opportunity to come clean if he really loved me. And you are so right that he had to have done a great deal of grovelling to still be there today. In fact she has even supported him in started a business. Amazing to go from finding out he was having a lengthy affair to not only letting him stay but to support a new business. He must be very convincing.

He is her 4th husband and we are only in our mid 30s. During our time together he had her convinced his pulling away was because of her actions. As my head is clearing in a way I am glad I sent the emails to her so at least at the end of the day she will know it was not about her. I always felt like it was unfair of him to make her feel that way and I never should have been involved in breaking another woman's spirit as that in essence was what I was doing, while at the same time breaking my own. To look at all of the drama I got involved in was a huge wake up call for me. I am in counseling now working on myself to figure out why I felt like I deserved so little.

Thank you again for not judging me or beating me up knowing I am doing it enough for everyone right now. Hearing the facts laid out like you did really gave me some perspective. I am not going to pretend I am not still hurt by all of this and know that time will help with that.

Thanks Jake!

That is music to my ears that you are moving in the right direction.

Don't be too hard on yourself in the meantime. We have all fallen for men who have charmed the socks off us, only to be devastated when we learn the 'Jeckle' side of them.

As you are finding out now, you do deserve better. But, one man won't ruin your life, and you have so much to look forward to.

I am very impressed that you are going to counselling. Too many don't, and end up in the same boat over and over again.

You have a bright future ahead of you, and one day, you will find someone and never look back. :)