There's this girl I've been keeping in touch with. I asked her to meet up a few times, but she always turns me down. Why do I still think we can be friends?

You probably could if you stop asking her out.

Maybe she doesn't want to go out with you and just likes talking to you as a FRIEND! You ARE her friend and she wants to keep it that way. Accept it!

"Sometimes we have to face life's demons"

Believe it or not, I don't have any "plans" for her. I just want to be friends with her. I want to meet up with her so that we can be friends.

If she doesn't want to, leave her alone. You can't force friendship on someone.

You're right. It's a sucky feeling though. I feel like I was never given a chance. Even though nobody said I'm supposed to have a chance. Why do I feel entitled to having a chance?

Why do I feel entitled to having a chance?


That's a good question!

The reality is you are not entitled to have a chance. Fortunately, you live in a world where there are lots of other people. You seem like a thoughtful person and I predict that you will be able to overcome whatever is holding you back.

I used to be extremely shy and while I haven't really ever become "not shy," I'm 100 times better at talking to strangers and enjoying myself than when I was younger.

It is important to accept that some people will not be interested in being friends with you. Their loss, right?

Hmm... so it really boils down to "you can't be friends with everyone". I know that this applies after you've attempted to be friends.
There's no attempt here. Why do I expect her to want to be friends though? Is that just my ego/confident self? (despite what the threads might indicate, I'm a pretty confident person now).

Your sure don't sound like it on your other thread. You seem needy, and not so confident at all.

Hmm...so it really boils down to "you can't be friends with everyone". I know that this applies after you've attempted to be friends. There's no attempt here.

Hi Wayback,
Yes. You can't be friends with anyone you select out of crowd. Friendship is definitely a two-way street. Not everyone wants to attempt to be friendly with anyone who approaches them. There's a lot you can tell about someone in just a few seconds and some people make snap decisions. This isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Another reason someone (male or female) might reject a friendly overture is that they just have too much going in their life at that moment and are not currently open to new friendships. This can happen if they are feeling stressed (work, a death in the family, etc). Or maybe they are about the move. Or they are depressed. Or maybe they just have too many friends!

There are SO Many reasons. So there's no need to take it personally. (Of course, they might also have pegged you for the "wrong" type, whether correctly or incorrectly.) Either way, you can't really do anything about it. I mean you could keep trying and they might change their mind, but why would you push yourself on someone when there are 6.5 billion people in the world?

I get the feeling that's the question you are asking yourself...


Why do I expect her to want to be friends though? Is that just my ego/confident self? (despite what the threads might indicate, I'm a pretty confident person now).

No. It's not ego or confidence. It's entitlement. Somewhere you learned, probably at home, that people are supposed to give you what you want. A little entitlement is a good thing. You need it to succeed in the work place. It's what lets you ask for a raise or negotiate higher pay for your first job. In general, men feel more entitlement than women, and they are much better at getting raises and other good things--on average. (Obviously, there are exceptions.)

Also, some men--and you may or may not be one of them-- feel more entitlement when it comes to women. They feel that women are supposed to fill their needs. I don't know you, but it's possible that you feel somehow that this person is supposed to do that and has let you down--even though she doesn't know you. To be clear, I don't know that. I'm just exploring one reason why you might feel as if she is not doing her part. If you feel excessively entitled when it comes to women--i.e. that they are there to fulfill your needs and wants--then that's something you should work on, because it leads to very destructive relationships.

Asking, I think that post was very insightful, but it doesn't 100% apply to my situation. I was never taught to expect things like that. I definitely didn't learn this from home. Maybe I thought that if I gave it my best shot, I'd at least get 15 minutes of her time. I figure it's not much to ask but who said I'm even worth 15 minutes of her time?

Talaniman, I am not confident when it comes to approaching random girls. I AM confident when I'm in a conversation, or just at life in general. I always make eye contact, and stand straight. I walk a certain way. I'm FAR from a snob, but I am confident and I try to handle myself in that sense. I assure you I am not a needy person. I'm just constantly seeking to learn and better myself. It's a slow process, but I believe it will be worth it at the end :D

The problem with want to be friends with someone that you are attracted to is that it will give you false hope. Whether you're doing this consciously or unconsciouly, you want to be friends with her to keep your hopes alive with her. As a result, you will over-analyze all the details and even twist her actions into thinking that there's still a chance.

A friendship occurs naturally, it shouldn't require so much effort on your part.

Since it doesn't appear that she's interested in you, nor interested in a friendship at this point, the best thing for you to do is to avoid her until your feelings for her have disappated. Then you will feel more objective when trying to pursue a friendship with her and not filling yourself with false hope.

Should I enter NC mode with this girl?

Just leaving her alone will do.

Maybe this is the false hope talking but... what if she contacts me?

Your not doing NC, you answer and see what she has to say.

All right. Thank you everyone!!

And refrain from making new posts about the same thing.

Well, I will just return to this thread if it concerns this situation (or a situation similar).
If this is in response to something: I'm pretty sure I posted something recently about wanting to stay "just friends" with someone. That was another girl!

Because the girl is different, but the situation is the same, what makes you think the answers will be different? How many females do you have in this same situation any way?

The situation is NOT the same. In this thread, I wanted the girl to fall for me, or at least show some interest in me.

For the new thread I do NOT want this girl to fall for me. I don't remember precisely what I asked, but as I start to spend more time with her, I want to make sure she doesn't fall for me. I think I asked "is this even within my control?" or "is this even worth considering"?

Strangely enough, it just occurred to me that I can't control how she feels, so therefore there's no sense in worrying about it.

I don't have many girls in this situation. I'm just a young man experiencing dating.

Deleted thread


I've been friends with this girl for most of my life. As of late, I've started to see her more often. I want to ensure that we stay just friends. How can I do this? Is this concern even within my control?

Undeleted

There's this girl I've been keeping in touch with. I asked her to meet up a few times, but she always turns me down. Why do I still think we can be friends?
At first glance, they appear the same but reworded, but to answer your question, no you have no control over the feelings of another, heck, as your finding out we have very little control over our own feelings, thus all the conflicts we face between what we know as facts and our feelings. I think the difference though is through experience we can control what we do about our feelings as we learn to cope better with them. As you have more of these experiences, you will learn more about yourself and handle them in a more mature way.

Sometimes its years before we can make the right adjustments to our thinking to be comfortable with what life throws at us. Think of these experiences as practice for the next time it happens to you.