I have been reading through the bereavement segment of this site for a few days now, trying to find a story close to mine, which I have found some that are partially close-but anyway-here I go...

I have an 11 year old daughter with my ex-who has just recently passed away on Oct. 15, 2009. At first we were told that he took his own life, but then later told that it was being investigated because of the way the bullet went into his head. We attended his funeral on Tues. and Wed. I am extremely upset. I didn't know how hard it would truly be on us until we showed up to the funeral-finding out things that terribly broke our hearts. I'll get to that in a moment...

I left my ex over 9 years ago. We were very young parents from the get go, but at the time, we were just "so in love". By the time our daughter came, we lasted another year, and that was it. I was ready to move forward with the responsibilities and so on that came to being a good parent, and he just wasn't. It wasn't until several years later until he finally realized what he needed to be-not only for his family, but for himself. We were in contact, of course, periodically (few and far in between), but he was always welcome to see his daughter and has done so a few times. The last time we saw him was about a week after my mom had passed away-which was over 2 1/2 years ago. We've spoken to him a few times over the phone, but that was it. Of course we all made plans to get together so he could visit with his daughter, but those plans always fell through. I wish now that they didn't.

Moving forward to the funeral... When his daughter and I arrived there, everybody-including his family who I thought totally hated me-came up to her and me and told us how much he loved US. Us? Yes-us. Even his current girlfriend told me how much he always talked about his daughter and how much he always loved me and praised me for what I have become. When we were at the chapel, I expected to sit in the back seats like all visitors do-and immediate family members always sit up at the very front. Everyone was waiting for us to get there ( I had to work a few hours before I could attend)-and when we finally got there, there were people waiting for us out front of the funeral home. They walked us in and sat us right up front-directly in front of him. They said that is what he would have wanted. So many family members and friends of his came up to me and told me how much he always loved me and how well he always spoke of me-and of course-how much he loved his first-born daughter (he has another one with another woman).

Words cannot describe the pain and guilt and sorrow I feel inside. I have my daughter in counseling-and she is doing pretty well-like I said, She didn't really know him that well-they did not have a very close relationship, although she did always know that he loved her very much. She is doing very well-but I still feel like I'm tore up inside-I am hurting so bad. I had no idea how he felt about me all through those years. I thought he hated me. I thought he hated me for leaving him, for many reasons, I thought he hated me. But he loved me-the whole time. There is so much more, but I don't want to type everything in here all at once-people don't like "novels" on this board-which is understandable. I need to be able to find peace. I just wish there was a way to let him know how sorry I am for not staying by his side and having faith in him. Any advice?

First, I'm sorry for your loss - and for what you and your daughter are going through.

I don't know that there's a simple answer here. I was widowed 2 years ago. I talk to my husband all the time. Have you tried sitting in a quiet place, concentrating, focusing, speaking either out loud or inside your head, explaining things, apologizing (if you feel that's the way to go), asking forgiveness (if you feel that's the way to go).

When my husband was dying I apologized for anything I ever did that made him unhappy and I forgave him for anything he ever did that made me unhappy. On the really bad days I repeat those words again - and again.

You sum it up well - at this point I'm sure you can't separate your pain, sorrow and guilt - but you have to remember that we can't see the future, we all have to make decisions in the here and now based on what is happening at that moment. It's relatively easy to look back, knowing how things will end up, and second guess yourself. You did the best you could with the information you had at the time.

You have to forgive yourself first - have you anyone you can talk to?

I have friends I can talk to. I know I'll be better in time, but right now I just wish, I hope that it was an accident of how he died and not on purpose. And I will never really know until I cross over to where he is.

I wrote him a note, and so did my daughter-which is really cool because we both did it at the same time-not knowing that we were writing him at the same time. Anyhow, we both wrote him a letter and sealed it, then we buried it with him before they closed the casket.
You know, this part of my pain may belong on another thread, but it's all tied together to me-But I wonder if he will ever really be able to read it. I wonder if he will see us now and see that we are sorry (well I'm sorry-my daughter has nothing to be sorry about). I've heard that when people pass on, they don't look back because there is supposed to be no more pain or suffering (yes, I'm speaking religiously). If he were to look down on us and see how sad we all are-he would be sad. So then he will never truly know how sorry anyone is or how much people really loved him.
I don't know. He is one who always thought he was never good enough-even when he made huge/great accomplishments, he always felt like he was failing. I guess that is where the guilt part comes in. Maybe if I would have shown more faith in him, maybe none of this would have ever happened. He wouldn't have been where he was, he wouldn't have ended up even ever having a gun or feeling that he needed one to protect his family. I just feel that I have a role in the way he died-not that I AM the reason, but a part of it and it's killing me.

You can second guess what/when/how and blame yourself (which is a natural reaction) until the cows (literally) come home - and it won't change anything. You have got to forgive yourself for anything you ever did (or said) that made him unhappy. Maybe, maybe, maybe - and we all go through it.

On a very personal note - how could my husband be as sick as he was and I never saw it? How is that possible? Yes, he went to Doctors on a regular basis. Yes, they didn't see it. But I was his wife! We all feel guilty about something when somebody dies - it just doesn't help.

How are you doing today?

I'm feeling a little better. I am in and out. Some days I'm OK with things, other days are harder. I'm sorry about the loss of your husband-I couldn't even imagine what it's like to go through something like that. But you are right in the advice that you give, I guess I'm just going through some grieving stages. There's just so much that I didn't even know-like the way that he felt about me-I didn't know he still loved me. In the past years, I wasn't mean or anything to him, but I didn't pay him much attention when he tried to reach out and come around us either. That is what makes me feel guilty. Not knowing whether he really took his own life-and I will never know until I see him on the other side. And if he did indeed take his own life-I may not even see him then.
Thank you for your kind words... how are you doing these days?

Well, this comes into the category of religion but I don't believe in a vengeful God and if he DID take his own life he certainly was in a compromised mental state and I don't see that damning him to Hell. I just don't but, again, this is a discussion for the religion boards.

No two people grieve the same way - and time DOES make it better. When anyone told me that I threw my hands up in the air and stalked out but it's true.

And thank you for your kind thoughts - I'm okay. Some days are better than others, of course. I miss him more when something "good" happens and he's not here to share it than I do when something "bad" happens.

And, like you, the best I can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and move forward.

Take care of yourself.

I am sure that if your former partner had hated you , at least one family member would have known. What reason did he have to hate you anyway? You chose to leave him as the situation obviously wasn't good for either you or your (and his) daughter. He probably respected and felt proud of you for that and appreciated the fact that you were strong enough to raise his child alone and were doing a fine job of it too. Carry on the way you are going; raising a well adjusted young lady - she is very lucky to have such a balanced and capable mother as you are - good luck for the future :)

I agree with Judy, that you have to move along the road of forgiveness - yourself and your Ex. You can't change the past, you only did the best that you could according to the knowledge that you had at the time.

I can understand why you feel upset and guilty, but perhaps another way of looking at it all is that you are extremely blessed. Your Ex only thought good thoughts about you and his daughter, and he told everyone how fantastic you both are. You were welcomed warmly and generously by his family. He has left you a wonderful legacy and clearly there are grandparents and relatives who would welcome you with open arms again.

Perhaps in time, when your thoughts are clearer you can reflect on why you thought they all hated you. Is there some part of your thinking or perception that has been fixed or askew?

It may be that you will find some peace by following up on the legacy that your Ex has left you. His side of the family. Your daughter deserves to have increased contact with them, and it may help to ease your guilt.

I am sorry you are going through this, it is a terrible time, ups and downs, and all the what if's.

I am duly impressed with all of his family who so warmly welcomed you and included you in the funeral. That you made such an impression (and your daughter of course) on his family, is only because of your ex. Perhaps that was his message to you, and you were meant to know how he really felt.

You would never had known if you hadn't been at that funeral. He righted a wrong impression, and showed you how he felt, through others that he loved as well. That did not mean that over the years he wished to return to a relationship with you, or expected you to somehow know that he was in trouble.

There is nothing about his life that you could have changed, and when you were with him, you did the best you could. Try not to regret not being able to anticipate the present, because of a long ago past.

I wouldn't be so sure that he is not well aware of your grieving, and also the letters that you and your daughter wrote. I agree with Judy. Talk to him. I do the same as she does, with the loss of a very close friend.

Time and patience will see you and your daughter through this, and you will be left with more good memories then bad, and also perhaps new relationships with is family, which will be a wonderful thing for his daughter as well.

Take good care of yourself.

First don't take things said at a funeral as the gospel truth. I was not with my first wife when she died, honest truth, I have always and still have the opinion that she was a waste of good air. He was bad with the kids, cheated on me and more.

But at the funeral everyone either did not say anything or they said nice things trying to make people feel good.

So what is his family going to say, that they wish you did not show up?
Or "oh this is that kid he had but did not visit"

IF he had really loved you or the child he would have come to visit the child and been a major part of the child's life. His actions tell what was in his heart much more than what people say at a funeral.
Ok, not trying to hurt his memory but no need for you to feel bad, you did not do anything wrong

First don't take things said at a funeral as the gospel truth. I was not with my first wife when she died, honest truth, I have always and still have the opinion that she was a waste of good air. He was bad with the kids, cheated on me and more.

But at the funeral everyone either did not say anything or they said nice things trying to make people feel good.

So what is his family going to say, that they wish you did not show up ??
Or "oh this is that kid he had but did not visit"

IF he had really loved you or the child he would have come to visit the child and been a major part of the childs life. His actions tell what was in his heart much more than what people say at a funeral.
Ok, not trying to hurt his memory but no need for you to feel bad, you did not do anything wrong


It's so funny because you are saying the same thing as my dad says! You are correct-infact, most of his funeral consisted of his friends, a few family members only-and that was it. Mostly his friends (people he was closest with)came up to me and said that he had always thought very fond of me (and his daughter of course)-including his current girlfriend (and mother of his youngest child). I only heard the same thing come out of one family member's mouth-and that was pretty much the only family member of his that initiated contact with me. I had to initiate conversation myself with anybody else in his family that was there.
He was bad with the our daughter, he did cheat/drugs, that was over 11 years ago for me. Throughout the years, we've remained in contact and he was still the same-didn't support his daughter/drugs, etc... During that time when he tried to initiate contact, I would not let him take her, I would, however, let him come and see her. Throughout the years, she got older, he moved on. In the meantime, his family didn't try to contact us at all, nor was I able to get ahold of any of them. By the time he did start to get his act together, he tried coming back into our daughter's life. I had a long talk with her and gave her the option to accept him or not. She accepted him, but never really spent much time with him-infact, she only has one memory in which she spent time with him at all, and that was over two years ago.

I do feel guilty. I feel like I should have tried to push our new communication harder than what I did. It's just at that point-I felt like it was too late and I feel like I made it harder on him to reconcile with her because he basically missed out on several years of her life.

After all is said and done - your guilty or feeling of guilt serves no purpose.

Forgive yourself.