View Full Version : Married but not in love
Nov 4, 2006, 08:43 PM
I have been married for 5 years. We have 3 children (one mine from a prior relationship (not marriage) & 2 together). I have been unhappy in my marriage for several years & I realize now that I have stayed for the security. I enjoyed being a stay at home mom & I wasn't willing to give that up. My husband has admitted that he married for the convenience of having a wife (always having a dinner date, someone to iron clothes, etc) & that he enjoys the children but he has also admitted that his favorite times are the times he is alone. Basically, I have felt secure but neglected for several years while he has enjoyed his hobbies & times out with the guys & business trips. Several months ago, we decided to try swinging. We met a great couple & hooked up with them several times. That is part of the past now but the issue is, the male half of this couple is everything my husband isn't. It has really made me wonder--am I missing something by hiding in my secure little world? It is worth ending a marriage because you don't feel appreciated? My husband never compliments me or tells me he loves me. I feel I have given up many of the things I used to enjoy when I committed to this marriage & he has only gained things. I gave up my hobbies because they were things he didn't enjoy but he has kept all of his. I have always gone out of my way to make sure he wasn't inconvenienced but now I feel that I have sacrificed myself. I have also come to a point where I don't enjoy him sexually. We hardly ever touch anymore & I sleep on the couch. I just don't want to be in bed with him. So my question is this: How do you know when to end your marriage? Is it worth hurting your children & giving up your security on the chance that you could find happiness?
Nov 4, 2006, 09:30 PM
realize now that I have stayed for the security. I enjoyed being a stay at home mom & I wasn't willing to give that up.
I don't think people should be miserable in marriage, but you do have security and your home with your children.
I feel I have given up many of the things I used to enjoy when I committed to this marriage & he has only gained things. I gave up my hobbies because they were things he didn't enjoy but he has kept all of his.
He has provided for his family and by your own words done pretty good at it
Is it worth hurting your children & giving up your security on the chance that you could find happiness?
You would rip the family apart on a maybe? Who will be home with the kids while you have to make a living? Are you wiling to give that up two? I'm not saying stay miserable but it seems like there is no communication in this relationship at all. To my thinking if you cannot talk and express yourself then you have no relationship but Think about it ,did he make you give up the things you like to do? You are responsible for your happiness, but I would love to see the other side of the story as yours is too one sided. My advice is to talk to make it better or do what you think is right. Kids always come first with me.
Nov 4, 2006, 09:31 PM
Honestly, I don't think it's selfish to put your happiness ahead of everything else. I'm not a mom, so I don't know how this would affect your kids. But, if I were to see this type of relationship going on with my parents, that would make it a bit akward. If your kids are really young, they might think that this is how grown up relationships are supposed to be like. Mom sleeping on the couch and Dad in the bedroom. Mom and Dad barely showing any affection towards each other at all. I don't know, but I think that breaking up may be the best thing for you. I hate to be the type of person that would suggest such a thing, but from what you've said, it seems like the most logical thing to do. Be happy. You deserve it and don't let yourself feel guilty. Your kids will understand and hopefully you will find the loving partner you deserve that isn't someone chosen out of convenience. Your kids need to see a loving relationship in order to know that's how it should be.
Nov 5, 2006, 01:53 PM
It sounds like you feel cheated. You have cheated yourself by sacrificing so much of yourself throughout the years. I can hardly blame you, it seems that's what a lot of mothers do. However, now it sounds as if there is resentment between you two. You say, he has gained and you have lost, you have lost yourself. As a mother and wife who puts everyone else first, I can tell you that you have harmed the situation more than anyone. You have robbed your family of learning about you and teaching them how a woman should be treated.
Only you can fix it now. You did what you did because that's what you thought you had to do. Maybe instead of running from your marriage, why not embrace it, change it. You and your husband have the ability to rewrite the future if you want to. Your marriage has to be the most important thing in your life. When your kids are grown and gone, who is left? Your husband. Cherish each other.
Personally I think that by adding another couple into your relationship was a big mistake. You two need to be the only people in your marriage. Yes children are important, but without parents who have a good marriage, your kids are losing. You have to take care you you (two) before you can take care of everything else.
Nov 5, 2006, 05:25 PM
I know what you are going through. I was married 7 years and we have a 6 year old together. I was not happy for about 2-3 years. I finally confronted my husband and we talked for awhile and decided to go to counseling. We also went on dates together to try and rekindle what we once had.
As is turned out, it didn't work out and we ended up getting divorce. We both tried to save our marriage for our son, but sometimes it just doesn't work out. We talked to our son about mommy and daddy not living together, but we will always love him.
My ex-husband and I get along a lot better now and we are both happier. I believe that our son would have picked it up sooner or later that we were not happy.
Sometimes if you put yourself on the back burner, it will come back to haunt you and say if I only have done this...
Believe me, all I taught about was how my son was going to handle this, because there is no child that wants to see there parents get a divorce. But on the other hand, no child wants to see there parents fight or not get along.
It will all work out in the end, go with your heart.
Nov 7, 2006, 10:11 AM
You made the commitment to this marriage. You decided to make a family and have children with this man. You need to put in the hard work. That is the problem with people today, they don't want to put in the hard work that it takes to make a marriage work. OF coarse marriage is hard, when it gets hard you have to work harder. Divorce is never a option unless cheating or abuse is there.
I am married 13 years with 2 kids. For 12 years I was in a marriage with little love and I also hated sex. One day this year I realized that I needed to be a better wife! So over night I changed. I was determined to change things. It had to start with me. Every morning I thought to myself "how can I make my husband feel loved today?" I would send him love notes on the text or email. I would pray every night to God that I would know of way to make my husband feel loved. Do you notice that I did not say "I FEEL LOVED?" That is the key. It was hard at first, I was not used to doing that. I would force myself to say things like "you are the best husband" I know that he is not, but you just force yourself and you know what? After a while I was not forcing myself! I changed how I felt about sex with him. I started to like going to bed. Then my plan worked, he started to do all of those things back too me. Every bit of it I received back. I was feeling loved. I had changed him and the marriage by changing ME!! OUr home is happy. Good luck, you can do it! Work hard and don't give up.
Aug 10, 2007, 11:30 AM
I am in the same situation, and I think I am now hurting my daughter by staying in this marriage.
Aug 13, 2007, 04:54 AM
This is often the misconception about marriage. MARRIAGE is not a trial and error thing. It is so sacred because you made a vow before GOD and men. It is a lifetime commitment and involves LOVE. The only thing that should be separating you guys is death. Loving unconditionally is part of this marriage process. It is doing everything you can without asking anything in return. You are no longer different entities. You are one because you were made one. What I can advise is that you continue being a good wife to him. Show him that you love him no matter what. Can I ask you a question? How's your relationship with your Creator Jesus Christ? Have you been talking to Him lately? Put God in the center of your relationship. Everyhting will come to place. He said that if you seek him first, everything will follow. Jesus wants you to be happy and he loves you so much that He gave His life for you and died in your place to pay the penalty of your sins. You cannot handle things on your own and you will just drive yourself to depression. It's about time you PRAY and ask God to fix your life for you. He has all the answers that you need.
Oct 28, 2010, 10:12 AM
OK. SO you are supposed to stay in a situationt that so obviously isn't making you happy for the sake of everyone else around you; because you have a roof over your head & security?! If you aren't happy, then how can people around you be happy? And what happens when your children grow up & leave home & you are alone & regretting the wasted time you spent with a man you weren't happy with..
I think you have to decide which makes you happiest, material possessions or your own personal happiness.
The very fact that you even asked this question indicates that your emotions are telling you something is wrong.
Four years on I hope you found your resolve, acted selfishly & made yourself happy.
Jan 3, 2012, 01:12 AM
Well, I think someetimes its so easy to be a outsider and say "You took the vow and so you must love unconditionally regardless"... well if you can and your husband does changes , great... but I do know the saying "Leopard never changes its spot is true most if not all the time !"... follow your heart , God doesn't want you to live a miserable life too, if you have tried your best and it doesn't work still... move on... for your sakes and the kids ! God have mercy.