OK well id like to start saying I'm a 20 year old white female I got in a relationship 2 years ago with a 60 yr old black male. I know what you people are thinking that maybe he has money or what not but that's not it. He's a caring person and has done a lot to help me but he will no touch me or have sex with me anymore. When we first began the relationship he couldn't resist me or keep his hands off me now I can't get him to touch me. I wear sexy things and he'll look and then look away I don't understand.. any advice?

Has he had any health issues since this has started?

Well he has diabetes and high blood pressure but he's had that... I've asked him you know what's the problem and he always tells me that he don't know..

If you're 20--TYPE LIKE AN ADULT.

No chat speak.

I'm sure your question is serious, but it's hard to take you seriously when you type like my 12 year old niece.

Any further chat speak will be deleted.

If you're 20--TYPE LIKE AN ADULT.

No chat speak.

I'm sure your question is serious, but it's hard to take you seriously when you type like my 12 year old niece.

Any further chat speak will be deleted.


How would you like me to type? I didn't know there was a certain way I had to ask my question I just wanted some advice. I apologoze.

Just please do not use txt spk. Write out the full word. Use "you" instead of "u". Use "are" instead of "r".

As far as your problem--really, I'm wondering what there is BESIDES the sex to hold the two of you together. Usually I don't think that age is a HUGE issue in a relationship unless one of the people is underage. But... there are 40 years between the two of you. I honestly cannot imagine what you would have in common BESIDES the sex, since you're at completely different points in life, with completely different outlooks because of that.

That being said--have you TALKED to him about it? How have those conversations gone?

Well, I don't want this to sound rude, but since there is such a big age difference between you two, is it easy for both of you to be seen in public together or has that been going downhill as well. I am just thinking maybe as he is getting older, he is starting to feel differently about dating someone so much younger than him? Maybe someone said something to him about it?

I know from experience I dated someone 12 years older than me when I was 19, and the same thing started to fall into play and I just found out that he got sick of me and thought if he could get someone as young as me he could do better?

Not sure if this is the instance in your case but just trying to help you explore the possibilities.

Just please do not use txt spk. Write out the full word. Use "you" instead of "u". Use "are" instead of "r".

As far as your problem--really, I'm wondering what there is BESIDES the sex to hold the two of you together. Usually I don't think that age is a HUGE issue in a relationship unless one of the people is underage. But...there are 40 years between the two of you. I honestly cannot imagine what you would have in common BESIDES the sex, since you're at completely different points in life, with completely different outlooks because of that.

That being said--have you TALKED to him about it? How have those conversations gone?

I have tried talking to him and he says he doesn't know what his problem is I think he just doesn't have any sex drive I've tried everything to get him "into it" and nothing has worked .I really feel uncomfortable talking to him about it and I shouldn't but that's the way it is. When we first got together he couldn't keep his hands off me I've been told by friends that it was just so he would have hold on me to keep me with him, I'm beginning to think its true.

I have tried talking to him and he says he doesnt know what his problem is I think he just doesnt have any sex drive I've tried everything to get him "into it" and nothing has worked .I really feel uncomfortable talking to him about it and I shouldnt but thats the way it is. When we first got together he couldnt keep his hands off me I've been told by friends that it was just so he would have hold on me to keep me with him, im beginning to think its true.

Does he still get aroused down there? Is something like Viagra needed?

Maybe he has realized that he can't get aroused anymore and he feels embarressed talking to you about it?

Well, I don't want this to sound rude, but since there is such a big age difference between you two, is it easy for both of you to be seen in public together or has that been going downhill as well. I am just thinking maybe as he is getting older, he is starting to feel differently about dating someone so much younger than him? Maybe someone said something to him about it?

I know from experience I dated someone 12 years older than me when I was 19, and the same thing started to fall into play and I just found out that he got sick of me and thought if he could get someone as young as me he could do better?

Not sure if this is the instance in your case but just trying to help you explore the possibilities.

When were in Public I have tried holding his hand and I don't think he really liked that too much because he pulled away... YOu would think I would be the one to do that but Im not Im a very affectionate person and I don't care what people think. I know his mother doesn't approve of me and him and people have made comments to him before but it has never affected him.

Does he still get aroused down there? Is something like Viagra needed?

He does and doesn't I can't give a straight answer to that. He has tried viagra before and it did not have an affect on him.

Maybe he has realized that he can't get aroused anymore and he feels embarressed talking to you about it?

That might be it but we haven't had vaginal sex in a long time which I don't really mind that I mean I miss it but I'm okay with foreplay and I can't get that either

That might be it but we havent had vaginal sex in a long time which I dont really mind that I mean I miss it but im okay with foreplay and I can't get that either

Between the arousal issue and the opinion of others issue I think you have it pinpointed pretty close. I am just not sure how you could get him to talk to you about the arousal issue? Still thinking about ideas on that one...

I honestly cannot believe the number of people that are having sex with people they can't TALK about sex with.

True intimacy starts in your head, not in your pants. If you are not comfortable enough with someone to talk to them about what happens in the bedroom--how can you possibly hope to maintain intimacy outside of the bedroom?

I suggest that you sit down with him and tell him how YOU feel about it, and work on talking through it together.

Between the arousal issue and the opinion of others issue I think you have it pinpointed pretty close. I am just not sure how you could get him to talk to you about the arousal issue? Still thinking about ideas on that one...


I have no clue how to start a conversation with him about that. I would feel so uncomfortable.If I new the right words I might beable to talk to him about it but I don't know what to say.

I honestly cannot believe the number of people that are having sex with people they can't TALK about sex with.

True intimacy starts in your head, not in your pants. If you are not comfortable enough with someone to talk to them about what happens in the bedroom--how can you possibly hope to maintain intimacy outside of the bedroom?

I suggest that you sit down with him and tell him how YOU feel about it, and work on talking through it together.

I feel like he will be embarrassed and I don't want to hurt his feelings.

I honestly cannot believe the number of people that are having sex with people they can't TALK about sex with.

True intimacy starts in your head, not in your pants. If you are not comfortable enough with someone to talk to them about what happens in the bedroom--how can you possibly hope to maintain intimacy outside of the bedroom?

I suggest that you sit down with him and tell him how YOU feel about it, and work on talking through it together.

I agree with the intimacy part, but personal experience made it to where I love my husband but because of the way I was raised, I never felt comfortable talking about, especially to my partner. It took me about a year to gain the trust and honor of my husband before I was okay to fully discuss all issues with him even though we were still sexually active.

So I think it not only depends on the way you were raised but who your partner is will have an affect on the issue all around.

Just a opinion though, everyone is different.

I feel like he will be embarrassed and I don't want to hurt his feelings.

Have you tried to just come out and say "Are you still sexually attracted to me?"

In you other post you said you were charged with cocaine. Caught in a hotel room with this same man. I think I know the problem now...

Have you tried to just come out and say "Are you still sexually attracted to me?"

I say things like that all of the time and he tells me he is.He asks me all the time if I'm tired of him and if I want to move on. He knows that I am sexually frustrated I feel like he should do " something" to keep me happy but I can't get anything.

In you other post you said you were charged with cocaine. Caught in a hotel room with this same man. I think I know the problem now...

So what do you feel the problem is?

I say things like that all of the time and he tells me he is.He asks me all the time if im tired of him and if i want to move on. He knows that I am sexually frustrated I feel like he should do " something" to keep me happy but I can't get anything.

Looking at what Rookie stated, could it have anything to do with the cocaine charge?

Looking at what Rookie stated, could it have anything to do with the cocaine charge?

No we got charged on October 6th this has been going on for about a year.

No we got charged on October 6th this has been going on for about a year.

Based on what you said about him asking you if you want to move on it almost sounds like he is trying to push you out, maybe like he is just giving up, but giving up on what, I don't know.

I'm betting the drugs have a HUGE influence on his libido.

Honey--you need to get your life straightened out WITHOUT this man.

Absolutely nowhere do you say you love him. Why are you staying with him, and having sex with him? Does it have anything to do with the drugs?

Based on what you said about him asking you if you want to move on it almost sounds like he is trying to push you out, maybe like he is just giving up, but giving up on what, I don't know.

He makes comments a lot saying he's in my way and of course I tell him he's not I mean I work and come home and that's about it.. that's my life right there. I'd like to come home and be shown some affection I just can't GET ANY. Im so confused I don't want to give up on him but I don't really know how much more I can take.

I'm betting the drugs have a HUGE influence on his libido.

Honey--you need to get your life straightened out WITHOUT this man.

Absolutely nowhere do you say you love him. Why are you staying with him, and having sex with him? Does it have anything to do with the drugs?

Well we occasionally use drugs. Might be once every couple of months if even that. We did meet because of the drugs though I will admit to that. But that is not what has kept us together. I do love him and care for him dearly that is why I am still with him. If I did not love him I would be gone.

He makes comments alot saying he's in my way and of course I tell him hes not I mean I work and come home and thats about it.. thats my life right there. I'd like to come home and be shown some affection I just can't GET ANY. Im so confused i dont want to give up on him but I dont really know how much more I can take.

I think the best advice I can give is if you keep trying and it keeps failing, remember you can only help people who want to be helped. He is quite a bit older than you and you are in the prime of your fun years. Don't waste them on something you can't help unless it is both of you doing it together.

He might be giving up on a lifestyle he is to old to be involved in. He has high blood pressure to boot.

I think the best advice I can give is if you keep trying and it keeps failing, remember you can only help people who want to be helped. He is quite a bit older than you and you are in the prime of your fun years. Don't waste them on something you can't help unless it is both of you doing it together.

I am going to keep trying if we end up talking about it I' will suggest he see a doctor that's all I can think of. Thank you.

He might be giving up on a lifestyle he is to old to be involved in. He has high blood pressure to boot.

What do you mean?

Sheesh. 60 isn't THAT old. Let's not give up on this guy.

I agree that he should get to a doctor if possible, both about the lack of action and also I wonder if he is not suffering from depression. Lack of libido and his comments wondering if you are going to leave sound like depression to me.

That said, I agree that 40 years is a HUGE age difference and I think in the long run it will feel like more than it does now. It may be that he thought this would be a short fling and is surprised by your loyalty.

Some frank talk is in order. If this relationship is to go anywhere, you two need to be able to speak openly about all these things.

Sheesh. 60 isn't THAT old. Let's not give up on this guy.

I agree that he should get to a doctor if possible, both about the lack of action and also I wonder if he is not suffering from depression. Lack of libido and his comments wondering if you are going to leave sound like depression to me.

That said, I agree that 40 years is a HUGE age difference and I think in the long run it will feel like more than it does now. It may be that he thought this would be a short fling and is surprised by your loyalty.

Some frank talk is in order. If this relationship is to go anywhere, you two need to be able to speak openly about all these things.

I absolutely agree the age is a huge difference and I honestly did not think we would last but I am a very loyal person I think one problem with that is I am scared of being alone. One thing is he is still married he hasn't even gotten a divorce.. he doesn't see his wife at all but I just wonder why he hasn't done that yet..

Oh boy.

Honey, get yourself into a counselor.

Between the drug use, the dating a man 40 years older than you are--and married to boot!--and the fear of being alone---you need help.

Don't be scared to be alone. Being an independent women is the best self esteem you could ever have for yourself.

Don't be scared to be alone. Being an independant women is the best self esteem you could ever have for yourself.

Ive been dating since I was about 13 lost my virginity at 14 I've never not had a boyfriend, would be strange for me I think I could do it but would be lonely. Im happy with the guy I'm with besides the whole sex problem... just need to fix that.

Oh boy.

Honey, get yourself into a counselor.

Between the drug use, the dating a man 40 years older than you are--and married to boot!--and the fear of being alone---you need help.

I don't really think I need help the drug use like I said earlier is not a constant thing and I am done with that now. And him being 40 years older then me isn't an issue for me. Him being married is but they haven't been together for at least 3-4 years.

Diabetes can have a significant effect on libido. But, I suspect diabetes is just the tip of the iceberg here.

I don't want to get into 'shoulds' because we are all different, with different needs - and I don't want to judge your individual experience. But I think that there are a number of issues here and they aren't to do with your partner's libido, they are to do with you.

Life has a series of cycles. You are 20 and you are just at the start of your life cycle. You should be experiencing what life has to offer you as a young woman at the beginning of her prime. You should be meeting people, traveling, going out to parties - expanding your horizons and learning about yourself and the world. You should be curious, enthusiastic and open to different experiences - emotional, sexual, intellectual.

Your partner is 40 years older and is at quite a different stage of life. You describe life with him as going to work and coming home, occasionally you do drugs together and you also say that he doesn't give you physical affection or satisfy you sexually.

Is it that you're afraid of life? You certainly sound as if you're afraid of being without a man. Why? Why would you be lonely without a man? This man may be physically present in your life but it doesn't sound as if he's emotionally or sexually present.

May I suggest that I think that you are dependent on having a man in your life, any man. Please have a think about this - it's really easy to mistake dependence for love.

Maybe he is thinking about his wife ,as per your other post,when you talk about him being married.

If you can't be alone, then you have a problem. Period.

That's called "dependency", and it's not healthy.

A relationship should be something you find that makes you happiER--not what makes you happy.

If you can't be happy and comfortable by yourself, there's a problem. That means you will not be selective about the men in your life and rather will let THEM select YOU--which will mean that most of those men will be using you.

Diabetes and high blood pressure problems can definitely cause erection problems in guys as young as 40. The high blood pressure medicine is known to have these types of side effects. The same with diabetes.