Hello and firstly thank you for any help/support you can give me.

I am the oldest of 3 girls (45, 39, and 37). I have always been told I am the smart one, I am the one who keeps peace in the family also. I am the one who always does the right thing and follows the rules of life. I pay my bills on time and I am very family orientated.

The problem is with my 37yo sister. She is the lazy one and one who expects everything and thinks she should live the life of a princess. She has lived at home her entire life and married in her 30's. She is one of these who doesn't cook/clean or anything else. Her life is laying on the couch and watching TV as others do all the work. He weekends consist of going out to the bars with friends and my parents babysit. Well she married a alcoholic/drug addict/bi-polar man who also had zero credit and had huge debt. She knew this, we knew this and told her about it but she did it anyway. My Parents were so happy that she finally met a MAN after 30 years of never bringing home a boy friend that they treated this man like a KING to keep him around. They acted like he was a gift from the heavens and all of a sudden our husbands were not that great to them. They bought a house with my sisters inheritance and of course my dad cosigned. He later refinanced and took that money out of the house and blew it. He spend nights at the bar and not coming home on drug binges etc. etc. He was in and out of rehab. He lost his job several times. Etc etc. They had credit card debt up the kazoo also. Everything was of course under my sisters name since he had NO credit. So, they had to foreclose their home, my sister had to file bankruptcy( She paid back nothing! ), she moved back with mom and dad with her now 2 yo daughter ( she had no business having a baby because she does not take care of her) . So now, my parents are raising this baby who is now 4 and my sister lives the life of a Queen. Oh yeah, my sister lost her job recently because "EMPLOYMENT AS WILL". She is the biggest drama queen you have ever met in your life and that is why she lost it. She brought all her problems into work and would cry there and be on the phone etc etc. I hope you get the picture now.. She she is collecting UNENJOYMENT for 36+ weeks and plans to file a extension. She is not looking for a job nor wants a job. My Mom does 100% of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping etc. She had ZERO responsibility. My mom complains to me all the time about how lazy she is etc. but yet she ENABLES her behavior and just says " SHE WONT DO IT" . My sister feels the child support money that she gets ( when she gets it) is HERS. So she gets her hair done every 6 weeks, her nails, she buys stuff etc. This money does not go towards her daughter. My parents of course pay for that stuff. Now mind you my parents do not now nor ever paid for anything for their other 5 grandchildren. This has caused huge resentment for me and my 39 yo sister. I can't tolerate my sisters behavior and frankly don't feel that I have to. I can only stomach her for a few hours at a time and then I have had enough of the POOR ME POOR ME.

As you can see my sister takes full advantage of my parents generosity. Oh yeah, she doesn't have a pot to piss in but my dad COSIGNED for her a brand new car!! Of course she is under my parents insurance so she is paying hardly anything. I am driving a car that is 10 years old and the one on state assistance gets a new one?? My parents say poor her, she doesn't have any money but to pay her HUGE car loan and insurance and pay for her cell bill. WHAT THE HELL?? Ok get my point now? I think you do.

Now my parents, me and my family planned a trip to Florida for April. My mother invited my unemployed, lazy butt sister to tag along with us! I am not happy. This will ruin my trip and my mom knows I would not be happy but she told me TO SUCK IT UP and JUST ACCEPT IT! She calls me the BAD one for not wanting to vacation with my sister. Gee why do I want to vacation with her when I am going to be the one cooking, cleaning, taking care of her daughter as she sits her butt on the couch all week. This is not a vacation this is STRESS for me. My Mom said well she is not working and she can't stay home alone in the house. HELLO SHE IS 37 yo not a baby. My mom is furious at me because I said that this is not what I planned. This trip was for my family and my parents ( to get them away from my sister) which also they were bringing the 4 yo on our trip anyway because they can't trust her alone with her own daughter to go on vacation, so every trip my parents go on they bring the 4yo. My mom knew I would have a problem with this but did not care about my feelings and invited my sister anyway. I tried to explain this to my mom is a very nice way about how I felt and she told me TOO BAD and to SUCK IT UP and told me I was the horrible person. Why am I the bad one when I do everything in life RIGHT. I never get any credit for living my life properly. I don't get any credit for doing the right thing, but my sister who does everything wrong is living the life of a princess. I am tired of this and do not feel that I have to accept this. My parents know exactly how I feel about my sister. I love her but don't accept her life and how my parents enable her and how it has ruined their retirement. I am very outspoken and can't sit back and see my sister taking such advantage of them. My mom is not a well women either she has depression and many health issues and tries to blame me and my sister for not accepting my younger sisters life saying this is causing her to be unhappy. This is unfair. :confused:PLEASE GIVE ME SUGGESTIONS PLEASE! :confused:

Should I just SUCK IT UP?? Should I just allow my sister to freeload a vacation with us?
Should I just turn the other cheek and let it ruin my families vacation?

I feel you are a tiny bit jealous because she has been getting a free ride all her life and you had to work hard for it..
I think you and your sister should confront her and tell her to stop using her parents and get her life back on track.
Tell her that your parents won't stay foreve.. once they are gone what will she do.now the kids are young and your parents can afford it.wat will happen when they grow up..?
So tell her all this.. if she understands good for her or she ll ruin her already ruined life..

And you don put pressure on your mum.. try and make her feel happy and give her less tension.. she is already quite old to be taking care of 2 very young kids...

i feel u r a tiny bit jealous because she has been gettin a free ride all her life and u had to work hard for it..
i think u and ur sister should confront her and tell her to stop usin her parents and get her life back on track.
tell her that ur parents wont stay foreve..once they r gone what will she do.now the kids are young and ur parents can afford it.wat will happen whn they grow up..??
so tell her all this..if she understands good for her or she ll jus ruin her already ruined life..

and ya don put pressure on ur mum..try and make her feel happy and give her less tension..she is already quite old to be taking care of 2 very young kids...

Honestly, I am not jealous of this. It truly sickens me that a grown Adult sponges off her parents. We have confronted my sister and she just plays the victim as well as my parents.
I tell my parents that they are doing her harm because they will not be around her entire life and then what happens to my sister? My mom says she don't care what happens when she is dead she only cares about now. I guess she will leave the burden to me but I have told both of them that I am not picking up the broken pieces. They have created this mess and it is not my responsibility to clean it up.

No, this isn't your resonsibility to pick up the pieces that will indeed fall. For now, you can only be glad you aren't like your sister. You are polar opposites it seems. Take time to appreciate you won't be raising your family in the way your mother has committed herself to. You can either except the situation as something you have little or no control over. Or, start a family war your unlikely to win. As far as what the future holds... you have to just wait and see. Not much, you perdict will happen, could change the way your parents enable her. This is not so uncommon in families. It is a mystery to me why my parents treat each of their children different. But I have made peace with it. Made peace instead of possible war. Made peace for the grandkids sake. Made peace because if you ask them... they "love us all the same."
Could it be they know something about each of us we can't see, then treat us accordingly? I don't know. I only have control of how I raise my own child.

No, this isnt your responsibility to pick up the pieces that will indeed fall. For now, you can only be glad you aren't like your sister. You are polar opposites it seems. Take time to appreciate you wont be raising your family in the way your mother has committed herself to. You can either except the situation as something you have little or no control over. Or, start a family war your unlikely to win. As far as what the future holds...you have to just wait and see. Not much, you predict will happen, could change the way your parents enable her. This is not so uncommon in families. It is a mystery to me why my parents treat each of their children different. But I have made peace with it. Made peace instead of possible war. Made peace for the grand kids sake. Made peace because if you ask them...they "love us all the same."
Could it be they know something about each of us we can't see, then treat us accordingly? I don't know. I only have control of how I raise my own child.

Very good advice and thank you. I have done what you are saying. I will never do this to my kids because it hurts them. She never let my sister grow up and stand on her own 2 feet, that is why she acts like the victim. I am just trying to stay away from them because it hurts me to see this and I don't need added stress in my life. I won't be rude or hurtful but I accept that my Mom and Sister " Can't change what they don't acknowledge" It is a endless battle unfortunately. My sister cries poor me on a daily basic and makes me and my other sister look bad. My Mother thinks that my sister " Just loves us so much" because she plays the victim and my Mom just told me I don't love my family ( I guess because I don't enable my sister like she does). I give up. I am changing what I do acknowledge and that is that my parents and sister will never change and there is not a thing I can do about it. Too bad for them. I am just going to stay out of their way and let them live their unhealthy life. Thank you for your response it really helps.

You are 45 years old, and your sister is 37 years old. Your parents are obviously in their later years.

It is not up to you to butt in. How your parents treat your sister, with whatever reasons they have, is none of your business. How your sister lives her life with them, also has nothing to do with you. You are not teenagers, although in my opinion, you sound like one.

If they buy her a house, co-sign on loans, take them on trips, do their laundry and wipe their noses, that is their business. It does not appear that they are going to change, and it does not appear that your middle aged sister is about to change either. It is what it is.

You need to lose the resentment at not getting your share, or what you see as due to you. Stop the drama, and the invasive behaviour into other adults' lives. Let go of the resentment and accusations, even though you are probably right. Why you keep going back for more of what has probably been a decades long theme, is beyond me.

That it bothers you so much, and causes so much personal stress and upset to you, is more a sign that you need to learn to let go, and realize you have no control whatsoever over decisions other mature adults do with their lives, regardless of their relationship to you as mother/father/sister.


My mom is not a well women either she has depression and many health issues

Surely you can see how you contribute to her overall health by keeping this toxic ball of history rolling.

Put a smile on your face, be grateful you are not a carbon copy of your sister, keep your opinions to yourself, and enjoy every second you have with your mother by engaging her in conversation that makes her happy.

You and your sisters can squabble all you like when she's gone.

Hi,
It's a really painful thing to watch your sister and your parents the way they are. Honestly why do you need to go on the vacation?
If its so much of a stress you neednt go, say a polite thank you and don't go. Let them go and enjoy. If I get it right your parents won't leave your sister or her child alone. So you need to accept that she is part of any family outing.
The more you show your resentment to your sis , the more protective your mom will get and you will be encouraging the "poor me" . If your sis starts that, try to hear it or say you have urgent work to do and go out. You can try to invite your mom and dad separately for small outing and give them a good time. If they talk of your sis hear them out without a word and don't resent it or comment about your sis. This way at least they will get an outlet and you get to have some part of your parents.
You can't change your sis , and don't attempt to do so. If you must be precise (example if you want her to work, look up some ads for work and mail them to your mom/ her)

Don't try to compare what you get and what your sis gets from your parents in terms of your parents being physically/mentally with you in your needs. Understand that you are far better as person and have a better attitude towards life- and most important your parents have done a fine job with bringing you up ! Don't get to worked up about this. Concentrate on your life.

Good luck.

Clearly,your parents are not going to change and your sister has no motivation to change.She is living the life of Riley.

I think you do need to suck it up if you want to go on vacation.

I would set the ground rules and let your sister know ,this is a vacation for a person who works and you are not going to babysit and or coddle her like your parents do.

The stress that your parents are going through is an awful thing but you are adding to it by insisting they take an action that they clearly have no clue how to do.

Have you talked to your sister and told her how you see this situation? It seems well past due.

You can only be responsible for your reaction to her laziness and lack of motivation.You can't control how your parents react so I think you need to either distance yourself from her and let her know why or just bite the bullet and accept what is.

Perhaps you and your other sister need to have a serious conversation with her and get it all out on the table.I don't envy you that but I think it is long overdue.

Hi,
Its a really painful thing to watch your sister and your parents the way they are. honestly why do you need to go on the vacation?
if its so much of a stress you neednt go, say a polite thank you and dont go. let them go and enjoy. if i get it right your parents wont leave your sister or her child alone. so you need to accept that she is part of any family outing.
the more you show your resentment to your sis , the more protective your mom will get and you will be encouraging the "poor me" . if your sis starts that, try to hear it or say you have urgent work to do and go out. you can try to invite your mom and dad seperately for small outing and give them a good time. if they talk of your sis hear them out without a word and dont resent it or comment about your sis. this way atleast they will get an outlet and you get to have some part of your parents.
you can't change your sis , and dont attempt to do so. if you must be precise (example if you want her to work, look up some ads for work and mail them to your mom/ her)

dont try to compare what you get and what your sis gets from your parents in terms of your parents being physically/mentally with you in your needs. understand that you are far better as person and have a better attitude towards life- and most important your parents have done a fine job with bringing you up ! dont get to worked up about this. concentrate on your life.

good luck.


I don't need to go on this vacation but it was a vacation that my parents planned with my family ONLY. My Mother knew it would cause a lot of problems if my sister tagged along but she does not consider my feelings. This is the problem. She just invites her and then tells me this is how it is and suck it up. She should have talked to me about it first. That would have stopped all of the problems. What you don't understand is my Mom complains to me constantly about my sister and how she is lazy and not a good mom etc. so I have to hear it and see my mom upset all the time. I get the bitterness because my mom tells me everything and that causes resentment towards my sister.

Clearly,your parents are not going to change and your sister has no motivation to change.She is living the life of Riley.

I think you do need to suck it up if you want to go on vacation.

I would set the ground rules and let your sister know ,this is a vacation for a person who works and you are not going to babysit and or coddle her like your parents do.

The stress that your parents are going through is an awful thing but you are adding to it by insisting they take an action that they clearly have no clue how to do.

Have you talked to your sister and told her how you see this situation? It seems well past due.

You can only be responsible for your reaction to her laziness and lack of motivation.You can't control how your parents react so I think you need to either distance yourself from her and let her know why or just bite the bullet and accept what is.

Perhaps you and your other sister need to have a serious conversation with her and get it all out on the table.I don't envy you that but I think it is long overdue.

Actually, I don't think I need to suck it up. This vacation was planned with my family ONLY and my parents and planned a long time ago. She had no consideration of my feelings when she invited my sister along. She knew this would cause a major problem because she has done this in the past with my other sister and it caused problems.

I have talked to my sister time and time again about how I feel so she is totally clear. She just says a huh a huh a huh and then it all goes in one ear and out the other. Then she cries to my Mom that we don't love her and hate her. That is total bs. She makes herself look like the victim at all times.

We can talk until we are blue in the face but it does not help. I tell my Mom I love her I just can't be around her all the time and my Mom calls me a terrible person. How would you like to vacation ( in the same hotel room I might add for a week) with someone that you can't be around? This was my families vacation and now it is ruined because my mom did not take into consideration my feelings and talk to me about it before she invited my sister along. Now I am the bad guy of course.

You are 45 years old, and your sister is 37 years old. Your parents are obviously in their later years.

It is not up to you to butt in. How your parents treat your sister, with whatever reasons they have, is none of your business. How your sister lives her life with them, also has nothing to do with you. You are not teenagers, although in my opinion, you sound like one.

If they buy her a house, co-sign on loans, take them on trips, do their laundry and wipe their noses, that is their business. It does not appear that they are going to change, and it does not appear that your middle aged sister is about to change either. It is what it is.

You need to lose the resentment at not getting your share, or what you see as due to you. Stop the drama, and the invasive behaviour into other adults' lives. Let go of the resentment and accusations, even though you are probably right. Why you keep going back for more of what has probably been a decades long theme, is beyond me.

That it bothers you so much, and causes so much personal stress and upset to you, is more a sign that you need to learn to let go, and realize you have no control whatsoever over decisions other mature adults do with their lives, regardless of their relationship to you as mother/father/sister.


My mom is not a well women either she has depression and many health issues

Surely you can see how you contribute to her overall health by keeping this toxic ball of history rolling.

Put a smile on your face, be grateful you are not a carbon copy of your sister, keep your opinions to yourself, and enjoy every second you have with your mother by engaging her in conversation that makes her happy.

You and your sisters can squabble all you like when she's gone.

What you don't understand is I don't butt in, I get all my information from my mom who WILLINGLY tells me this. She complains about my sister all the time to me and how it causes her stress and this is not supposed to bother me??

I am not jealous or care about "Getting my share" My family has supported ourself just fine with no help from them. This is not what it is about. It only bothers me because I CARE and I love my parents and it breaks my heart to see their newly retirement life suck because of my sister. I am not a "DRAMA QUEEN" that would be my sister that lives at home. I just want them to show her how to be a ADULT so she can be on her own because one day they won't be around and then what? I am not picking up the pieces of the mess they left behind and I know that is what is expected of me. I also do a lot with my mom to "Keep her happy" you can count on that.

The reason I said I think you just need to suck it up is because I don't see any recourse.

It seems like the ball is in your parents court and if they are not willing or feel unable to attack this problem,there isn't much you can do.

Is it fair? No,not at all and I think its past the point where she is going to learn how to to cope with life on her own.

They have helped to create a spoiled ,immature person and I suspect she will be lost when they aren't around to coddle to her.

My main concern is for your parents who are between a rock and a hard place and I am confidant ,under a lot of stress.

You sound like you are your mothers rock and she depends on you as a sounding board and I know that must be trying but she has to have someone who she can rely on to hear her out.

Maintain as much distance as you can and if your sister questions your motives ,tell her the truth.Perhaps if she lost you as a friend it would be a true catalyst to make her rethink her selfishness.

The reason I said I think you just need to suck it up is because I don't see any recourse.

It seems like the ball is in your parents court and if they are not willing or feel unable to attack this problem,there isn't much you can do.

Is it fair? No,not at all and I think its past the point where she is going to learn how to to cope with life on her own.

They have helped to create a spoiled ,immature person and I suspect she will be lost when they aren't around to coddle to her.

My main concern is for your parents who are between a rock and a hard place and I am confidant ,under alot of stress.

You sound like you are your mothers rock and she depends on you as a sounding board and I know that must be trying but she has to have someone who she can rely on to hear her out.

Maintain as much distance as you can and if your sister questions your motives ,tell her the truth.Perhaps if she lost you as a friend it would be a true catalyst to make her rethink her selfishness.

I totally agree with you. I have maintained huge distance from my sister and this has caused more problems because my mom tells me I don't care about my sister, that I want her homeless, that I am a evil person, that I don't love my family etc. That is 100% not the truth. I am friendly to my sister, I am polite, I talk to her when I see her. I just go above and beyond to do things outside of family functions because I can't handle the way she is.

When my mom told me my sister was coming on vacation and told me to suck it up I just said " well mom that isn't what we planned when we planned this trip" and my mom blew a gasket on me. She started calling me evil and mean and this really hurt me. She hung up on me so I did not call her until she called me 2 weeks later ( now mind you I talk to my mom almost everyday!). When she called me and I said Hello she said "What is wrong do you have a bug up your ?" Oh gee, how nice of her. I told her I was hurt because she doesn't respect my feelings and felt she should have talked to me first about her plans to invite my sister on vacation before doing so. She said " I don't need approval from anyone and that she will do what she wants", gee again no respect for my feelings. She then begins to tell me how my sister cry's and says none loves her and how much my sister loves everyone blah blah blah and I said well I love her too and my Mother then told me " I do not care about this family and just want my sister on the streets", I said oh mom that is not true I love my sister. My sister is the reason why my mom is stressed and depressed these past few years.. ALL HER yet my mom told ME it is my fault. GIVE ME A FRIGGIN BREAK! I am the helper, the healer, the one who does everything right. I will not allow her to put this blame on me. I will just stay away from my mom if I am the cause of her troubles that is all I can do. Oh yeah, she is doing exactly what her mom used to do to her. GUILT TRIP, the difference is it don't work on me and I told her that. My Mother does not like being told she is doing anything wrong. She is mighty stubborn and doesn't care about anyone. She puts down everyone all the time and feels she is better than everyone else. I am the exact opposite.

I totally agree with you. I have maintained huge distance from my sister and this has caused more problems because my mom tells me i dont care about my sister, that i want her homeless, that i am a evil person, that i dont love my family etc. That is 100% not the truth. I am freindly to my sister, I am polite, I talk to her when I see her. I just go above and beyond to do things outside of family functions because I can't handle the way she is.

When my mom told me my sister was coming on vacation and told me to suck it up I just said " well mom that isn't what we planned when we planned this trip" and my mom blew a gasket on me. She started calling me evil and mean and this really hurt me. She hung up on me so i did not call her until she called me 2 weeks later ( now mind you I talk to my mom almost everyday!). When she called me and I said Hello she said "What is wrong do you have a bug up your ?" Oh gee, how nice of her. I told her I was hurt because she doesn't respect my feelings and felt she should of talked to me first about her plans to invite my sister on vacation before doing so. She said " I don't need approval from anyone and that she will do what she wants", gee again no respect for my feelings. She then begins to tell me how my sister cry's and says none loves her and how much my sister loves everyone blah blah blah and i said well I love her too and my Mother then told me " I do not care about this family and just want my sister on the streets", I said oh mom that is not true I love my sister. My sister is the reason why my mom is stressed and depressed these past few years.. ALL HER yet my mom told ME it is my fault. GIVE ME A FRIGGIN BREAK! I am the helper, the healer, the one who does everything right. I will not allow her to put this blame on me. I will just stay away from my mom if I am the cause of her troubles that is all I can do. Oh yeah, she is doing exactly what her mom used to do to her. GUILT TRIP, the difference is it dont work on me and I told her that. My Mother does not like being told she is doing anything wrong. She is mighty stubborn and doesnt care about anyone. She puts down everyone all the time and feels she is better than everyone else. I am the exact opposite.

Sadly,I have seen this before where there is always one person in the family who carries the burdens of the entire clan.There were five of us kids and at one point ,my elderly Mom was all my responsibility.I couldn't take it anymore and finally blew up and said that's it! Sometimes it has to come down to just letting people make their own bad choices and refusing to be a party to it.I hear your frustration and hope you have someone who you can share this burden with.

I think you need to separate yourself away from your parents and your sister completely. There's no guilt in let your parents deal with reality of who your sister really is. It also seems like, I think they take care of your sister because of her child. But, if your parents complain to you about your sister, than they are not communicating with her. If you separate yourself away from your parents and your sister, they'll come to their senses later. In addition, why do you need to have vacation with your parents? Are they paying for the vacation? Take a separate vacation and distance yourself from them because all of you need some time to reflect and see the reality.

I think you need to separate yourself away from your parents and your sister completely. There's no guilt in let your parents deal with reality of who your sister really is. It also seems like, I think they take care of your sister because of her child. But, if your parents complain to you about your sister, than they are not communicating with her. If you separate yourself away from your parents and your sister, they'll come to their senses later. In addition, why do you need to have vacation with your parents? Are they paying for the vacation? Take a separate vacation and distance yourself from them because all of you need some time to reflect and see the reality.

As far as the vacation goes, my parents have a time share for them and our family. My children wanted to go back to Daytona Beach this year and my Mom said she would get the place for us and that they would go to. The problem is if I decline now on this vacation my mom will be really pissed at me and she will think of me as MORE EVIL. My children will be hurt as well. I guess I answered my own question. Do as I have always done and PLEASE EVERYONE ELSE. Shame on my Mother for not respecting me and treating me as the bad guy in all of this. Just because I don't "ENABLE" my sister the way they do I am the BAD one. Unreal.

"Shame on my mother"?? Shame on your mother? Quite a nasty comment from a grown woman.

You certainly show an awful lot of anger toward your mother. Anger usually masks fear- just what are you afraid of. She is more of a mother to your sister than she deserves, and you are somehow missing out, and it's not fair?

Your mother doesn't owe you anything. A vacation, car insurance, a roof over your head, food on your plate, nothing. You are 45 years old!! :confused:

Your sister is not asking for your help, but you keep butting in anyway. Your mother has multiple health problems, and you keep stirring the pot anyway. Now your invitation to your mother's time share involves your sister, and that is unfair- to you? It's HER condo! She can invite anyone she likes. You can decline.

Do you ever do anything wrong? Do you contribute to this toxic decades old simmering feud in any way? Is it truly all them, and none of you?

I think your wings are a little tarnished.

"Shame on my mother"??? Shame on your mother?? Quite a nasty comment from a grown woman.

You certainly show an awful lot of anger toward your mother. Anger usually masks fear- just what are you afraid of. She is more of a mother to your sister than she deserves, and you are somehow missing out, and it's not fair?

Your mother doesn't owe you anything. A vacation, car insurance, a roof over your head, food on your plate, nothing. You are 45 years old!!!!! :confused:

Your sister is not asking for your help, but you keep butting in anyway. Your mother has multiple health problems, and you keep stirring the pot anyway. Now your invitation to your mother's time share involves your sister, and that is unfair- to you? It's HER condo!! She can invite anyone she likes. You can decline.

Do you ever do anything wrong? Do you contribute to this toxic decades old simmering fued in any way? Is it truly all them, and none of you?

I think your wings are a little tarnished.

ABSOLUTELY SHAME ON HER! You have no idea how she treats me and what I do for her and for my sister. I don't want nor EXPECT anything from my Mother and I never have. She has never given me anything nor do I want it. You do not understand this entire situation unfortunately. Firstly, this was MY families vacation O N L Y. My Mother knew exactly what would happen if she invited my sister on OUR vacation but did it ANYWAY and never told me until actually weeks later. She never took my feelings into consideration. How would you like to have a vacation planned for months only to find out that the circumstance have CHANGED and that your Mom invited someone that you did not get along with at all. How much fun would that be for you and your family? Maybe you don't have family and don't understand. Why should I decline when this was MY vacation to begin with?? You apparently don't get it. Shame on her YES YES YES. She could have changed this entire outcome if she just would have done the right thing by FIRST talking to me about it before inviting someone that is just out of PURE Courtesy. She forces my sister down my throat and this causes resentment. She did it behind my back knowing darn well that this would cause problems. She knew this because 2 years ago we had a family vacation and she wanted to invite her and I told her it was just my family and her and my dad. My children wanted quality time with their Grandparents since they live with their other granddaughter. I'm sorry but we are entitled to have a vacation and not have it ruined by my sister. I have saved for 2 years for this and it is not going to be ruined by my sister. My mother knows this and still doesn't care about my feeling so yes SHAME ON HER.

Oh yeah as far as my sister goes, she asks for my help ALL THE TIME and I have given it to her for years!! I have lent her money, took her in when she has left her husband time and time again, helped her find a lawyer, took her husband to rehab, gone to AA classes with her husband and her, helped her get all her info on her finances so she could claim bankrupt, babysat, listened to her crying for hours on end about her drunken/drug abused husband, and watched my entire family fall apart because of HER LIFE CHOICES. My sister is a TAKEN and has NEVER GIVEN BACK ONE TIME IN HER LIFE. A year or so ago I gave up on her yet I am the bad one. Please. I have NEVER ASKED for nor do I even WANT help from anyone. I am a independent, self sufficient women. Thank you.

As far as you saying "DO I DO ANYTHING WRONG", oh please lady the only thing I have done wrong is CARING WAY TOO MUCH ABOUT MY FAMILY. Watching my sister take full advantage physically, emotionally and financially and HEARING my Mom complain about it 24/7! You don't see my sister laying on the couch 24/7 and her daughter not being fed and she won't get up to feed her even when my mom is standing there telling her to do it she Won't MOVE. Here she is collecting government assistant and unemployment while at the same time driving a 20,000 vehicle and spending any/all child support on her hair, nails, cell phone, and weekends at the bar! You apparently have no idea what is going on here. Sorry lady but the things you are saying you sound like you are a enabler yourself.
My parents are doing her harm and she will never be on her own 2 feet by the way they enable her and they will expect me to take care of her when they are gone. Again, Shame on them for not caring about me and handing me down that burden when they know dam well what they are doing and don't care.

It is difficult to respond to your words, because you are not a person to accept responsibility in my opinion.

If you decide to help help help and give give give, that is your problem, not theirs. You cannot be used unless you want to be used, and allow yourself to be used. You have repeated the 'helping' and 'enabling' role for years and years, and now you wonder why you are not appreciated, respected, or why you haven't seen any changes. History just keeps repeating itself, and you keep letting it.

You could dial out of the vacation. You could walk out of the room when your mom complains about your sister. You could stop enabling your sister by bailing her out with money, and reserve your judgment of them with silence instead of confrontation. You could live your own life without carrying a self-inflicted burden of all of their problems, with you stuck in the middle. That you have not figured out how to end a conversation that ends in arguments and insults, or learned to keep your distance emotionally and physically, speaks more to your lack of self-control and insight, than it does for their problems.

I see this, for what its worth, as you needing to keep these relationships going for some reason, or you would have been in counselling by now. People choose not to have their independence for reasons. You do not need to subject yourself to anything you choose not to.

When you post a question you will get many points of view. You have to expect this, and try not to start insulting those that take the time to answer you. The truth as others see it may or may not fit, but honest answers are something that you should show a little respect for.

It is difficult to respond to your words, because you are not a person to accept responsibility in my opinion.

If you decide to help help help and give give give, that is your problem, not theirs. You cannot be used unless you want to be used, and allow yourself to be used. You have repeated the 'helping' and 'enabling' role for years and years, and now you wonder why you are not appreciated, respected, or why you haven't seen any changes. History just keeps repeating itself, and you keep letting it.

You could dial out of the vacation. You could walk out of the room when your mom complains about your sister. You could stop enabling your sister by bailing her out with money, and reserve your judgment of them with silence instead of confrontation. You could live your own life without carrying a self-inflicted burden of all of their problems, with you stuck in the middle. That you have not figured out how to end a conversation that ends in arguments and insults, or learned to keep your distance emotionally and physically, speaks more to your lack of self-control and insight, than it does for their problems.

I see this, for what its worth, as you needing to keep these relationships going for some reason, or you would have been in counselling by now. People choose not to have their independence for reasons. You do not need to subject yourself to anything you choose not to.

When you post a question you will get many points of view. You have to expect this, and try not to start insulting those that take the time to answer you. The truth as others see it may or may not fit, but honest answers are something that you should show a little respect for.

I can just say this, you do not understand my view and have made a opinion yourself so unfortunately though I appreciate your time and your willingness to help, it does not fit my situation. I have said repeatedly that I am a giver and I do for others. I help feed the homeless, I collect for the homeless, I volunteer in my community also. I only want what is best for my family. I helped my sister because she needed me. I listen to my Mom complain about my sister because I am her sounding board and I feel like she needs to vent. What you don't realize is that this causes resentment because I see my sister taking advantage of my parents. I have told my parents as well as my sister my views on this. I am staying away from them all and their problems because nothing is going to change, I am done with it all. I have told my mom time and time again I don't want to know about my sisters life , yet she still lets me know! You say end the conversation or walk out of the room, HEY I DO. When I do I am told I don't love my family and I am a bad person. You are not hearing me when I am telling you this in my previous posts. I also said I have stopped helping my sister and refuse to enable her yet you tell me "You could walk out of the room when your mom complains about your sister. You could stop enabling your sister by bailing her out with money, and reserve your judgment of them with silence instead of confrontation. You could live your own life without carrying a self-inflicted burden of all of their problems, with you stuck in the middle. That you have not figured out how to end a conversation that ends in arguments and insults, or learned to keep your distance emotionally and physically, speaks more to your lack of self-control and insight, than it does for their problems"


You are right about one thing is that I don't need to subject myself to this and I am not any more. Is it wrong for me to keep my distance from my parents and my sister? I think it is the best for all of us since they will not respect my feelings and leave my sisters life to my sister and not involve me. For the record this is my Mom's doing and not my Dads. My Dad does not speak of any of this. I truly wish you knew my Mom and then you can only understand what me and my other sister ( not the one living with my parents) are going through these past couple of years.

For the record I never said 'I felt used" yet you say "You cannot be used unless you want to be used, and allow yourself to be used. You have repeated the 'helping' and 'enabling' role for years and years, and now you wonder why you are not appreciated, respected, or why you haven't seen any changes. History just keeps repeating itself, and you keep letting it. I helped because I was asked to help and I wanted to help. I have never enabled. If I am letting history repeat itself by being a good person and by helping my family members then so be it, I am proud of that. As far as you saying I am not a person to accept responsibility, that is the biggest joke of it all. My problem is that I am the RESPONSIBLE one and don't understand why my sister is so Irresponsible. You may be confusing my posts with others unfortunately.

You ask why do I keep these relationships going? Do you mean with my Mom, well that is easy BECAUSE I LOVE MY MOM and I WANT WHAT IS BEST FOR HER and I WANT THE BEST LIFE FOR HER and by her enabling my sister she will NEVER NEVER have that. SHE ALSO KNOWS THIS!! It hurts me to see my parents having to go through this, this is what causes resentment towards me and my sister. I don't know why you don't see this.


Thanks anyway for your opinion I wish it would have related to my real problem here.

Don't worry your sister will latch onto another loser. I think that's partly why your mother keeps her so close. Grandma is trying to insure the grandkids don't get dragged into another bad situation with their lazy, dependent daughter... See it clearer now. She wants you to take over after she can't do it anymore... Thats why she tries to push and pull you back in. See you must become a little disfuntional to deal with disfuntion. Make peace with it... you might want to ready yourself to be more than an aunt to those kids.

You are right about one thing is that I don't need to subject myself to this and I am not any more. Is it wrong for me to keep my distance from my parents and my sister?

I am not doubting your love for your family, nor do I doubt that you are a good person, and give of yourself. Each post you write, that becomes more and more clear.

It is all about who's needs are being met. Your mother does her thing by complaining about your sister to you, venting and letting out her frustrations. She then feels better, knowing that she has put some of her burden upon you. Your sister has benefited by knowing that regardless of how your mother treats you, you will ultimately help her out, no matter what she says. Your sister also benefits in many other ways as you know, and now has managed to ruin your vacation, because she too feels her needs are met by going too. Your mother allows it, probably to keep the peace and do what she feels is the right thing for whatever reasons. They are her reasons, her call.

What you don't see is that, even though this is your family and you love them regardless of the way they treat you, you do have some control over allowing this to happen. I am talking about YOUR needs here. What do you need from them, and why do you subject yourself to making sure their needs are met, while you aren't taking care of your own.

Changes are hard to make, and you have to be careful that if you decide to stop punishing yourself by continuously being at their mercy, it has to stick, or you'll end up right back where you were.

If you could even just realize that by you not allowing to be subjected to the problems in the family that have nothing to do with you for the most part, putting the recent vacation fiasco aside for a second, and let your mother, and your sister, solve their own problems without you, you will be taking yourself out of satisfying their needs by having you as a sounding board, and preserving your own, which is not to be subject to the ups and downs of their relationship.

And it is as simple as that, and I do understand what you are going through, and yes, I have done this myself, years ago, with my younger sister, who is now 50. She actually reminds me of your sister in many ways. She was never allowed to grow up is what it essentially boils down to. It was only when my mother died, that she had to stand on her own two feet, and not borrow mine.

I had years ago sat in on yet another conversation about how she was going to attend school (again), and that mom was footing the bill (again), and this 'was it', she was finally turning the corner. Well, I finally realized that nothing I said or did was going to change anything, and I did what I advised you to do. I let go of jumping in there and 'helping', and took a step back and saw it for what it was.

I steered conversations away from them, and their troubles, and stopped bailing everybody out, and realized my shoulders were only so big for all the emotional baggage they dumped on them. It was affecting my marriage, my health, and my energy particularly because my life revolved around their ups and downs; one crisis after another.

My mother incidentally had a condo in Florida that I never went to, but the two of them had regular vacations there, and other exotic places. After a while, it really didn't bother me, and I was just as happy sitting in my backyard enjoying my own space, without the stress.

It is liberating to free yourself of other people's problems, even if it is your family. Their relationship has nothing to do with your happiness, your peace of mind, or your bank account so to speak, or anything else.

I know you don't want to hear it, but your life is your life. How you live it, is up to you, and how you have your needs met- only you can decide.

It is not wrong to keep your distance from your sister or mother. Incorporate the distance appropriately. For instance, if your mother is in a snit over your sister being lazy, say, "mom, I've heard this a million times before. Can we do lunch on Thursday?". It worked for me, and as I said, it was wonderful to reclaim my sanity.

I know this is long, and I apologize, but I wanted to take one last stab at trying to have you see that the only person who can change your life, is you.

You are right about one thing is that I don't need to subject myself to this and I am not any more. Is it wrong for me to keep my distance from my parents and my sister?

I am not doubting your love for your family, nor do I doubt that you are a good person, and give of yourself. Each post you write, that becomes more and more clear.

It is all about who's needs are being met. Your mother does her thing by complaining about your sister to you, venting and letting out her frustrations. She then feels better, knowing that she has put some of her burden upon you. Your sister has benefited by knowing that regardless of how your mother treats you, you will ultimately help her out, no matter what she says. Your sister also benefits in many other ways as you know, and now has managed to ruin your vacation, because she too feels her needs are met by going too. Your mother allows it, probably to keep the peace and do what she feels is the right thing for whatever reasons. They are her reasons, her call.

What you don't see is that, even though this is your family and you love them regardless of the way they treat you, you do have some control over allowing this to happen. I am talking about YOUR needs here. What do you need from them, and why do you subject yourself to making sure their needs are met, while you aren't taking care of your own.

Changes are hard to make, and you have to be careful that if you decide to stop punishing yourself by continuously being at their mercy, it has to stick, or you'll end up right back where you were.

If you could even just realize that by you not allowing to be subjected to the problems in the family that have nothing to do with you for the most part, putting the recent vacation fiasco aside for a second, and let your mother, and your sister, solve their own problems without you, you will be taking yourself out of satisfying their needs by having you as a sounding board, and preserving your own, which is not to be subject to the ups and downs of their relationship.

And it is as simple as that, and I do understand what you are going through, and yes, I have done this myself, years ago, with my younger sister, who is now 50. She actually reminds me of your sister in many ways. She was never allowed to grow up is what it essentially boils down to. It was only when my mother died, that she had to stand on her own two feet, and not borrow mine.

I had years ago sat in on yet another conversation about how she was going to attend school (again), and that mom was footing the bill (again), and this 'was it', she was finally turning the corner. Well, I finally realized that nothing I said or did was going to change anything, and I did what I advised you to do. I let go of jumping in there and 'helping', and took a step back and saw it for what it was.

I steered conversations away from them, and their troubles, and stopped bailing everybody out, and realized my shoulders were only so big for all the emotional baggage they dumped on them. It was affecting my marriage, my health, and my energy particularly because my life revolved around their ups and downs; one crisis after another.

My mother incidentally had a condo in Florida that I never went to, but the two of them had regular vacations there, and other exotic places. After a while, it really didn't bother me, and I was just as happy sitting in my backyard enjoying my own space, without the stress.

It is liberating to free yourself of other people's problems, even if it is your family. Their relationship has nothing to do with your happiness, your peace of mind, or your bank account so to speak, or anything else.

I know you don't want to hear it, but your life is your life. How you live it, is up to you, and how you have your needs met- only you can decide.

It is not wrong to keep your distance from your sister or mother. Incorporate the distance appropriately. For instance, if your mother is in a snit over your sister being lazy, say, "mom, I've heard this a million times before. Can we do lunch on Thursday?". It worked for me, and as I said, it was wonderful to reclaim my sanity.

I know this is long, and I apologize, but I wanted to take one last stab at trying to have you see that the only person who can change your life, is you.

Thank you so much for that last try and guess what? IT WORKED! I truly believe now you understand my situation and you are not blaming me like I felt you were in your other posts. Thank you so much for this.

I have been doing what you said over the past 6 months or so and when my mother does bring up my sister I just sit quietly and give no opinion. I thought this was the answer. I even wrote my mom a long letter explaining all of this to her and saying I don't want to hear this any more. She never spoke of that letter to me after she read it. I figured it was all going pretty smoothly. Unfortunately but not saying anything my Mother thought it was all fine and dandy and I would just suck it all up yet again with all of my sisters problems ( this is because I was being silent on my opinion). The first time I spoke up about her was during this vacation problem. She thought I was starting trouble and I was NOT. My feelings for my sister never changed, the only difference is that I never spoke of them during the past 6 months.

My other sister had huge problems with my sister when she was married. We all warned my parents about him before she married him and my sister of course denied it all. They had a bad marriage. My sister K and my mom did not speak for 6 months or more because of this. Of course my Mom sided with the alcoholic/drug addict which causes huge problems in our family. I was the Middle person. I listened to my sister and then my mom and tried to keep peace. My Parents were so afraid that my sister would leave this looser and then move back home with them that they treated him like a KING. Honest to god this is the truth. My sister never brought home a boy before until she met this looser in her 30's. The first guy she meets and he asks her to marry and BAM. She had a Princess wedding no kidding. We all seen though this guy except my parents and sister. They were blinded. Anyway, my Mom now says that I sided with my sister ( actually she said my sister poisoned me HA!) She said you were always fine with your younger sister and now your acting like your other sister and you were poisoned by her! The truth is I was just tired of putting up with and seeing my sister take advantage of my parents so I spoke up is all. I was taking control of MY LIFE. I am VERY VERY OUTSPOKEN and always have been.

You are so right that this is MY life and I control it. I am not letting my Mother make me feel guilty or make me feel that I am this bad person for standing up for what I believe in.

I will continue to not discuss my sister with them as I have been. I will continue to not comment on her life when my mom brings it up. I will limit my visits to my parents to only Holidays, birthdays and special occasions. I am very hurt by my Mom and feels she needs to respect me as a adult and respect my feelings that is all I ask for in return. This is all a damn shame but I will not be a doormat.

Thank you for understanding.

I'm really happy that you have a secure grip on all of this. It is not an easy thing to do, especially when it is family.

Things may not change for years, so you'll have to be strong. :)

Keep up the good work, for what its worth, I firmly believe you are doing the right thing for all the right reasons.

I'm really happy that you have a secure grip on all of this. It is not an easy thing to do, especially when it is family.

Things may not change for years, so you'll have to be strong. :)

Keep up the good work, for what its worth, I firmly believe you are doing the right thing for all the right reasons.

Thank you so much! I have always believed I was doing the right thing and the only reason for my post was that I never understood why my Mom was so hurtful to me about it. I talk to her with total respect and she tells me I am just being mean with a nice tone of voice. I tell her no Mom I am expressing my feelings and I wish you could respect them. I tell her she doesn't have to agree but just respect that these are my feelings. I guess I just wanted a answer to why I am the " HORRIBLE" one and the one that is causing her the stress, depression, anxiety is my sister that lives at home with her and she is portrayed as the victim. Unreal. I will be strong and ty again for truly understand my view.

What your mom thinks about you is non of your business- you are just pulling yourself back into the same cycle. Break it and get on with life. When your with your mom fill it with things relating to both of you or do things that don't involve talking about your sister or anyone.
If trying to connect to your mom involves your sis (always ) then simply wait for the right time . Bethere for your mom if she really needs you. Be yourself and don't let anyone make you change the way you feel about how you feel about you or your way of thinking. Good luck

Stop hanging around your mom and you sister and go hang around your other sister. Let time pass and when they come to senses, they will come to you. As spoilsport mentioned, you are putting yourself through cycle of having to subject yourself to your sister's problem by being with them.

Why don't you go on vacation with your other sister.
Nothing will change unless your parents change. Don't partake in it anymore. When your parents complain about the situation, let them know they are the ones who have helped to create the situation and ask them what do they think would happen to her if 'God forbid" they where both no longer here. Explain that for her own sake she needs to develop her own independence. There is nothing you can do about the situation, it is really up to your folks. Try not to get involved and get on with your own life.

[QUOTE=snailgirl;3332848]Why don't you go on vacation with your other sister, or with someone else. Let them know it's not acceptable and you will no longer be going with them.
Nothing will change unless your parents change. Don't partake in it anymore. When your parents complain about the situation, let them know they are the ones who have helped to create the situation and ask them what do they think would happen to her if 'God forbid" they where both no longer here. Explain that for her own sake she needs to develop her own independence. There is nothing you can do about the situation, it is really up to your folks. Try not to get involved and get on with your own life.Just leave them to it. They created it and they are the only ones who can change it. Suggest that you all go and do family counselling together.