I was married for 8 years and together for ten. We split up about 2 months ago and the counsellor says its like losing to someone to the death but worse because the person is still there, they say it's the worse stress than can be thrown on someone. We went through a lot of financial stress because of me well, her as well. I am from South Africa and travelled to England where I met her and well here we are. Since I have been in this country I had bad luck from visa problems to jobs where I have been made redundant a few times because of the economy. She was made redundant a year ago and took her 8 months to get a new one but a fantastic one and now she met up with her director of the company and had an affair with him behind my back and she threw me out the house, within 3 days she was having sex with him in my bed in my house with my 4 yr old sun in the next room.

I can not compete with his charm and fantastic career and being splashy with his money on her, his expensive watches and cars and clothes etc but I don't think anyone loved someone as much as I did love her and still do. The guy is not even her normal kind of person by personality or looks she go for but he has money and I never thought she would become like this. Hard, cold and evil. I use to spend more time with my sun, practically brought him up, than she had because of her job and now I hardly see him because of money and distance.

Because I could not find a job I was forced to go back to university and retrain, when she threw me out I was homeless, moneyless, familyless and now where to go and going to uni was the best option because of all the funding that is available. At least I have somewhere to live now and can survive and also get a better education which she resents. She wanted to throw me out, me sort out the finance and be OK with her having sex with someone else at the same time. This has happened at least 3 times before where she was cheating on me and I forgave and move on. She never left the house with un ironed clothes, without breakfast, coffee for the road, lunch packed and dinner when she returned. I got my sun up in the morning, got him ready fed and dressed and dropped of at school and in most cases picked him up again and did my job. When she was not working I worked two jobs 7 days a week for her and never said a word, instead I got home fed her after she has been home all day, made her cup of tea and sometimes even massaged her feet and made sure she was OK and not too much stressed.

I left my family behind for her, I was happelly on my way back to South Africa when I met her but stayed so she could be with her family, gave up good careers twice so she could develop into her career and be close to her family for support. Now I am all alone, I miss her and my boy so much I cannot function because to me family love is more important than anything in the world, yes I would love a nice house, a nice car, go away on holidays etc but it is not a problem if I don't have it as long as I am with my famiy.

My brain tells me move on, she cheated on you many times, used and abused you, mentally tortured you and changed you as a person, from an open bubbly friendly easy going extrovert to a shy, grumpy, stressed, depressed, sad idiot with no self confidence, no self esteem introvert.

I have tried everything to talk to her, right her letters etc because I know deep down she is actually a nice person but in the last few years changed into a nasty, self obsorbed, selfish person and money eager, someone that puts her own sexual and financial greed before that of her family, her own child. Now I have nothing, she has everything, happy, with my child that she does not spend enough time with because the little time she has for him is now sheared with this guy she is seeing, she says he doesn't see him much but she spends more time away from home now that before to see this bloke. I am even now insacure because I feel I was never good enough like I was just a stand in until her perfect package came along, why is she aloud to be happy with this and I have to suffer like this just because I loved her so much. This guy is now even trying to buy my sun's love by buying him stuff all the time, taking them out on days out, fancy restaurants etc.

My head says move on but my heart does not want to move on, how do I move on, how do I just switch of and say you are better off, she is not worth your love and care, how do I say good buy, I can not take all the crying anymore, the grieve and pain. I want to rebuild myself and become a better person but how do you do that, how do you forget the one person that you handed over your heart and your sole, how do I see myself as a worthy person again, get back myself confidence and strive for success for my sun to be proud of me one day. How do I stand up again and fight for me and for my sun?

Evening Heart Ache

You ask how you can forget her, you never will, apart from the bond you have with her via your son, which will never go away, you spent so many years that she will be a part of your life forever

It is never a question of forgetting, but moving on so every day you are not thinking about her

The solution is simple, the practice takes time and patience

Question, How do you eat an elephant

Answer, One bite at a time

When I went bankrupt some years back and lost my world (wife, house, friends etc), I thought I would never get back my life how I wanted

And although I am not quite there yet, it is gradually improving every day

As you have said you needed to retrain, homeless, penniless etc, it takes time to rebuild your life

This isn't something they teach in schools or uni, but something that must be learnt on the journey

My advice to you, and what worked for me, is to do something that makes you happy every day

For me, it was simply taking my time cooking a good meal in the evening, getting into my head was simple ingredients, being cooked slowly so I could concentrate for an hour or so on nothing else

As my finances picked up, I would go out once a week, just a simple game of snooker or pool with a mate or two, this would help me to look forward to something each week

Little steps mate, little steps everyday until you can take a giant leap

Good luck to you and have fun!

Phlanx, thank you for the advice I really appreciate it, I am at uni now which keeps me busy and try do some of my favourite sport as well and various other things but the hurt is so bad that even with an action sports like squash my mind wanders but you are right one step at a time, my biggest fear is I move on, build a new life and a new me and she wants to come back, hopefully then I will be strong enough to say no or be more in control, I don't know but here we go just have to try stay strong for my sun. Thanks again mate.

No worries, sometimes an ear is all you need :)

I do think Love is a Drug Addiction

When we have it, it sends us upwards on a euphoria of a high

When we loose it, we crave for it, desire it, and will do anything to get the high back

So simple steps, one day at a time and all that advice an addict would get is applicable to love

Besides that, seen as winter is coming, and leaves are turning the pubs are starting to put their fires on, for me there are few things better than chatting to your mates over a nice Bitter and Brandy next to the fire :)

phlanx, thank you again, you are right she never saw that never saw the tuns of love I gave her but only her own needs for sex and money. I have to say the pub and logfire with a nice ale sounds like a great idea.

When your counsellor said that getting through this is very much like greiving a death, that was very true.

When you have suffered such a terrible loss, your whole life is upside down, and there is no easy way to accept what you have lost. In your situation, also your son, which you were the primary caregiver to.

There are no easy ways to get around this and skip the parts of greiving. Time will take you through acceptance of the finality of it, and you will learn to grow and move past the pain and confusion. You will never lose the bond with your son, and I hope that in time you will be able to establish visitation with him.

When you are hurting the most, missing your son, write him a letter. He may be too young to understand now, but in the future this may re-establish a relationship with him. When you remember the things you did together, what you enjoyed doing, his first word, steps, etc. write those things out. They will be a comfort and reminder to you, and someday, he will realize when reading the letters, just what a huge part of his life you were. (and wish to be again).

Maybe keep them in some sort of keepsake box until he is old enough to understand.

As to your wife, she has made her decision, as certainly sounds like the type of person you described her to be. If you had known, or seen all these characteristics that you do now, would you have married her in the first place?

Take what you know now, as a learning experience and figure out what you do want, the next time you fall in love. Also think of all the characteristics of yourself that you can offer someone, and expect nothing less from a new love. You give, or gave, far too much, for nothing in return. Don't let that happen again.

Millions of people live through a divorce, and, if they take the time to figure out what went wrong, and what not to do the next time around, and are that much stronger. The more you figure out now about yourself, and your needs and expectations, the less likely you are to end up with a similar person to the one that has caused you all this pain.

But, also like millions of people, you will get over this, and direct your own future with confidence. Already you are at university, keeping busy, and getting stronger by the day. Keep the thought in mind that you will be a stronger person, and better able to offer the next partner, all the positive qualities you have, plus the maturity of having lived through what you have.

All the best of luck to you.

Jake2008 thank you, these are true good advice and you are right, my mind tells me all these things but my heart does not want to play the game yet but I am fighting it and trying to get through it, suppose it is still very raw and the way she has gone about it makes it worse and the fact that I have swine flu on top of this makes things worse haha no one to bring me soup in bed, now I really feel sorry for myself but any how thank very much for the strong sound advice. Its appreciated.

I am sorry you're stuck with the flu on top of everything else. If you live anywhere near Toronto, I'll bring you some lol

One day at a time, that's all you can do. Keep your emotions in check, your head up, and look forward to getting stronger.

Time and patience, you'll be okay.

Take good care of yourself.

The end of a relationship IS a death - it's the death of a relationship, a loss.

When my husband died a dear, dear friend who certainly didn't mean to be cruel, who was divorced, said to me, explaining why her grief was worse than mine, "Well, at least your husband didn't want to leave. Mine did."

At first I was stunned but then I realized we were both grieving the loss of a relationship - as well as the loss of a partner.

One day at a time.

Thank you Jake, it's a shame I'm not closer but I am all OK now, not felt do bad in a long time. Other than that time is a problem for me, I have issues with time I am very inpatient but suppose I don't have a choice.

Thank you for your mail though

Jan

JudyKayTee,

Thank you for your mail, you are so right, the problem is that it is like losing someone to death, at least with death you understand they would never come back but on a split that person is still there and when there is children involved you will always have some sort of contact with them.

JudyKayTee,

Thank you for your mail, you are so right, the problem is that it is like loosing someone to death, at least with death you understand they would never come back but on a split that person is still there and when there is children involved you will always have some sort of contact with them.


Absolutely - well said.

I also don't hold out any hope - my husband is not coming back. You, on the other hand, when you have contact with the other person must always think, "What if?"