I feel a bit of background is necessary to comprehend my problem. I'm sorry about all the rambling, I've just spent so much time trying to fix this problem and I have no idea what to do about it.

I guess I should start by saying that I tend to be more of the girl in our relationship, and she tends to be more of the guy. I enjoy cuddling, watching movies together, hearing the sound of her voice, making her meals, etc. She prefers to hide her emotions, because she feels that she is weak if she shows any. She is even too afraid to cry during movies when I'm sitting next to her bawling my eyes out.

I grew up in what felt to be a very non-loving environment, and I spent almost all of my life with no friends, as I moved every year, which also caused lots of school problems because I would have to be the new kid every year. Rather than turning me into an emotion-less creature, it did the opposite. I've spent so much of my life being shy and introverted that when I finally found the girl of my dreams, and I opened up to someone for the first time, I let out a flood of emotions and feelings. I know at times that it can be very overwhelming, so I've learned to contain it the best I can.

My girlfriend also grew up in a very non-loving environment. She never told her parents that she loved them, they never told her that they loved her. She turned into the opposite of me, and completely sealed herself off from everything. We have been together for almost two years and she still hasn't told her parents about us, but says that she hasn't told them because they haven't asked.


Anyway, I feel I should get to the point.

My girlfriend loathes herself. She cannot find a single thing she likes about herself, no matter how much I compliment her and do everything I can in my power to make her the happiest person alive. She is a little underweight and CANNOT gain weight no matter how hard she tries, so she feels she is ugly, although she is very attractive.

I guess my main problem is I cannot help her self-esteem in any way. I consistently compliment her, not for the sake of complimenting, but because I truly mean it. I tell her from the bottom of my heart how much I love her all the time, and I tell her all the little things that I love about her, like the way she talks (she's Australian), her accent, how intelligent I find her (she's on her last year of her PhD), and how attracted to her I am all the time, even at awkward moments around family.

The thing is, she just doesn't seem to believe a word I say. Any remark I make about anything I like about her is shot back with a "UH HUH" in a very sarcastic tone, as if I'm mocking her. And if I say "Hey, you know that you're gorgeous right, pumpkin? :)" she shoots back "sure", again, in a sarcastic manner.

This has caused lots of problems because I feel like she doesn't believe a word that comes out of my mouth, and it also causes lots of problems because she is so busy loathing herself that she cannot take breaks to realize how great life can be. The best I have been able to do is divert her attention from hating herself to doing something else. She never stops hating herself, she just thinks about other things, and so if I get tired for one minute and cannot hold up this perfect world, where she can actually be happy, all on my own, she immediately falls back into her slump, and the rest of the day is most likely going to go negatively since she has lost her good mood that I worked so hard to obtain and keep.


I love her so much and it is so painful for me to see her like this. I guess I'm just desperate at times because I have no idea how to improve her self-confidence, or even to help her to actually BELIEVE me and TRUST me when I tell her that she means the world to me.

Any help would be appreciated greatly.

Thank you so much.

Self confidence and esteem problems do not revolve around other people's opinions. While it is great to have people compliment you, it doesn't do anything if you don't first believe in your own beauty. You cannot help her, as much as you would like. I think professional help would suit her best. While it is thought to be easy to simply boost someone else's esteem, it is actually much more complicated psychologically than that. She may even be depressed. There are chemicals at work here that require more attention than mere compliments.

You can't always fix the people you care for. Sometimes they have to realize they have to take the first step to fix themselves. There are years of her background effecting her, thus simple compliments aren't going to change her mentality.

All right, thank you. I believe that professional help would probably suit her as well, however I do not believe she would be up for it at all, because then she would have to let someone else, a total stranger at that, into her life after she can barely let me in.

This... from a female point of view...

Compliments are great, we all love them. But... yeah, the big BUT, if they are said too often they are taken less seriously.

Hearing the same thing over and over tends to make us think the men are needy and soft.

Hmm, all right, I'll try to work on that. It's just difficult because I am so attracted to her, so I almost feel like I NEED to say things, but I'll try to lighten up on them.

Thank you for the help everyone.

I don't think you are ready to give up on the relationship yet. So, I won't say to protect yourself by leaving her and moving on.

Are you open to couple's counseling? You sound like you are wearing yourself down emotionally, mentally and physically while trying to build her up. Counseling may help you set boundaries of your own so that you can give yourself some of the support and energy you are pouring into her.

Couple's counseling might have the added benefit of getting her help to see how she is damaging herself and you. It could be a way to get her comfortable letting a counselor or other professional in. She does need more help than a non-professional can give her.

Take care of yourself. Back off a bit so that you don't wear yourself out.