I saw a great deal of similar situations as the one I am in currently. My girlfriend and I met and have been going strong for awhile now. I was able to see her all the time but she was worried about dating me initially because I was starting a job in another state in a few months. After she went with me to help me move in, things were going great. We talked everyday, when she came up to see me we did everything together and had so much fun.

The problems we started having later on were a lot due to the distance and the insecurities we both have had due to her past relationships. I started getting upset over things that I knew weren't a big deal and I felt like I was just putting a show in some way. We only have been dating for 6 months and we got very serious and in both of our opinions too soon. I am out working in another state and able to come home often but it is difficult being so far apart from someone you love and care about. She is still in college and has about a year and a half left. I went home for the weekend and it wasn't the best. A lot of fights and she was sick and we weren't able to have the best time. SHe told me she missed me and was balling as I head out the door. On Tuesday morning she called me and talked about taking a temporary break until Thanksgiving. She went out with her friends and had a good time and all her girlfriends said it has been awhile since they have seen that side of her.

SHe said initially we both were so outgoing and so obnoxious together and someone that got lost and we started getting too serious and handcuffing each other. She told me she needed some time and space and wanting to hang out and told me she loved me and could see herself marrying me but a relationship is too much with everything she has in her life (VP of sorority, school, job, lack of money) many other factors. It may be she wants to feel free to party with her friends and if guys hit on her she doesn't feel guilty since we would be guarded and be rude if guys talked to her while we were dating.

I am coming home next week and I plan on not seeing her or not talking to her until her birthday in a month and a half. If she calls me I will say she wanted this break and I owe it to her to give her that or we will never know what we both want. I am really starting to feel better about myself and this situation but I don't want to do anything that will jeaopardize my chances to get back with her.

I plan on going and having but nothing vindictive and I don't want to lose her and I know if we got back together too soon the next break would be a hell of a lot worse than the first.

WHat do you think I should do? How should I handle this moving forward? If she still calls me and texts me a lot (saying hope things are good muaah xoxo) what do I take from that?

Any help would be grateful?

Can someone give me some basic insight on the next steps outside of giving each other space. Because I know she will contact me and want to hang out probably to keep me around so she can have fun with her girlfriends and not be in a relationship right now. Maybe she wants to do her own thing right now nothing wrong with that but her constant contact with me shows me she still loves me and is confused.

So I will give her the space she asked for her and be very aloof.

Good ideas?

You know what they say about long distance relationships. Hard to maintain. Yes give her space and live your own life without her. She will make up her mind but in the meantime don't hold your breathe. Sometimes people hate to let go out of fear or whatever, so move on and if she calls... just be real.

After reading through most of these posts, I know what I am going to do moving forward but I have a few questions.

We just decided to take a break and at first she said temporary but when we talked again I said it probably needs to be more than temporary because her reasoning for the break was we are at different points in our lives with me in a different state working and her in college. I said 3 weeks won't change that and we have to give each other a real break or nothing will ever change.

Her birthday is in a month and half should I call and make it a quick happy birthday?

Also if she calls and wants to hang out or something how do I turn her down without being rude and obnoxious?

I know people will say she asked for the break but it doesn't mean I want to be vindictive. I do want her back but not until I get my life together and she does too and make sure I am not pretending to love or is it real.

Any advice?

you bro

all i think is that it IS a good thing that ur on a break.

Yea, call her, wish her a happy birthday.

If she wanna hang out, tell her that you need time to think bout what u want.

I really dought that she that gonna go all out on u.

hope it works!!!!!

Peace!!!

Well she just called me. I called her back a few hours after and she was like I texted you yesterday. I said I was busy. Then she paused so I said you asked for space, it may hurt but you asked for space and I am doing my best to give you what you want.

I told her that I won elite achiever for October at work, a few quick things on what's up with her. I could tell she was getting mad but then I followed with I know you know I am coming home and you wanted to see me next week, but I think it would be best if we didn't see each other.

We have not seen each other since she asked for a break. Should I call her next week and get a coffee just to see her in person but not make a big deal out of the relationship let her do everything?

The only reason I say that is then I will not call her again until she calls me and even then I might not answer for awhile. I just think I want to give her space but not cut her off completely.

What does everyone think even though I think I know the answer I think this situation may be different? I will be giving her much space just wanted to know if seeing her next week once and then cutting it off just so she sees me and I see her once in person.

well bro, it seems as if she still want to commiunicate with you.

And take that as a good thing!

Cal her just to say hi, ask her how her doing, ask if she maybe wants to come get a bite to eat or like you said coffe.

But what would you do with coffe..think bout it.

If you want to see her. do it. If you don't want to see her it seems as if you are cutting her off.

Peace!!

Hope i helped!!

I do want to see her but she said we were at diffferent points in our lives but I don't want to lose her in my life. Would I take her back right now if she came probably not, not because I don't love her but because I know our next break will be a hell of a lot worse than the first.

What kinds of things would I talk about at coffee? I was planning on just having a good time trying to get a laugh but not really bringing up the relationship? Let her do most of the talking.

WEll all i gota tell you is...

YOU GOY

What i meant to say is you got your head on straight.

She wants to talk let her.

Peace!!

Hope everything goes out right!

I think your handling this correctly - give her space. Don't answer her calls.

I like the fact you did not return her text - your busy. She asked for the break - you shouldn't be there for her now. Don't be the doormat so many guys who come here are.

I'd leave her alone for a while - retunr her calls the next day.

Obviously you did something to push her away - have you identified that? Being TOO available? To jealous? Too needy? Most guys Won't admit that.

This is the first case I can remember reading on this board where the individual posting seems to be handling to problem correctly. Despite her getting angery your showing her repect by giving her exactly what she asked for. I

T makes me wonder if she did this just to test you? I'm not saying that for sure but it seems odd that she expects you to be at her beck and call after saying she wanted space. My advice is to keep doing what your doing because she's obviously concerned that your not falling into that trap of being there all the time for her. Your doing great.

Like many people here I use to be player and always just wanting to have fun. I just can't figure out why I changed so quickly. We use to be obnoxious and just having fun and always had the best time. Sex was great but she waited 8 dates to kiss me and I respected that. She was afraid to jump into a relationship because of the long distance.

It has been tough every weekend we both wonder what the other is doing and it was hard to know someone else was occupying her time. I would sometimes get angry when I didn't get my way the last few weeks but it was tough adjusting to a new place and when I flew home to see her I just wanted to spend time with her and I think I showered her with too much love always trying to do something to make her happy.

I didn't think for myself.I absolutely love her death but I know if we jump back into what will happen. I really need some insight even though you guys think I am handling this well.

I feel better, I am working out and doing good in work but I sometimes ramble on the phone and in person about feelings lately and it is hard for her because I get repetitive. Jealousy could be right always asking questions but I finally realized it doesn't matter what she does. If she loves me she loves me. She went to a bachelorette party last night and I wasn't even mad I was like good for her she needs to have fun with her friends.

I just want to know moving forward what should my words be. I don't want to lose her, but I know she is 20 and I am 22 and we are at different points in our life but we are not the first people to go on a break. You never know.

Give her what she ask for and don't call. She's mad Soooooo! Stay on your healing path. Work on you.

There has got to be more to the old line, "We're at different points in our lives." It seems to me that she still cares for you. Which is understandable. You were emotionally attached to each other. I think that if you want to have a future with her, you really need to get to the bottom of what she's truly feeling deep down inside about the relationship you had. Being a different points in your life can be worked on. Being truly open and honest is what you and she need to be.

Basically what it came down to was this: I went to Michigan this past weekend and we had some huge fights for no reason. When I was leaving it was like so difficult and she has so much on her plate right now as do I. And every time I leave it is so hard. I know that is what relationships are but when you are in college and doing long distance it is difficult sometimes breaks are needed to truly figure out what the other wants.

She loves me and we both haven't ate the past few days so that won't change. SHe just needs to be 20 and enjoy herself and me too without worrying too much what we can't control. In a few months we might start talking more just as friends and go from there because we never started like that anyway. Obviously there will be many things I won't want to hear but I can handle it.

Most people will say if you want her back you need to do this that and that, I know what we have and with time it may change but if it is true love no matter what things circle back. We had a good talk this morning she called and we talked for awhile because we never really talked after the break and I wanted to clarify what space meant for her since I know what it meant for me.

So as tough as it is to let her go, I really won't be, I won't be sitting on my hands feeling sorry for myself. It was the right thing to do and too much and too serious too soon. We are way too young for that right now. She may find someone better she may not but when you are 20 and you haven't had a chance to truly be single and for the past 4 months never went out with her sorority friends that is hard. We depended and clinged too much on each other and it ended up making things worse.

I know you saw how I was doing previously and things are still going well to a certain extent. We talked this morning and finally clarifiied what we both want. We are just too young for a serious relationship right now. Will that change we don't know? She has lost 10 lbs since the breakup and it is killing her. I don't want to lose her in my life but I know time is the only way we have a chance to be together in the long run. College is tough and girls want to be able to party with their girls and not feel handcuffed. For the past 4 months she didn't. She might flirt and what not but what would a single woman not do.

I know her personality and I know she won't do anything vindictive and she doesn't just hook up with anyone and is very self conscience but we both definitely need the break.

Here is the DILEMMA. I love her to death and can't stand to be without her, I can see myself marrying her but I know this break is the only way we have a chance. It is too much right now. How do I go about after giving a good amount of space, to get back into her life by remaining casual friends with an understanding that later on you never know.

The love that we shared and the bond we had together doesn't just waver over time. Other factors may hinder it and you can't predict it but I am willing to let it go. I will still enjoy myself and flirt and have a good time, but I want her.

Is it possible to start being friends for awhile after a long absence and then getting back together? What would I need to do? Also, how can you not look ahead and think how can I wait almost 2 years for another chance. It may be shorter but I know it is basically almost 2 years until a realistic chance in my opinion. I would be back in Michigan getting my MBA and she would be in her senior year or done close.

PLEASE HELP ME!!

Well you love her.

That says it all doesn't it?

Try not to look so far ahead.

You both know what you want.

Her 'realationship' or 'break' is hurting you both.

Do you want other people to date.

Flirting is a way to tell the other people that you care bout them.

Yes! It is possible to be friends if your both willing to try.

Nothing, just be yourself like you where before.

Before dating.

Time is short. Love can last forever.

Peace!

Hoped i helped!

All that matters is that you know what you want if life!!

Peace!!!

Hoped i helped!

Thanks very much, wildcat or tan any insight, you guys seem to be great at putting everything in perspective

Quick Question: You both know my story and I finally understand the role that needs to be played. I am a crazy and obnoxious person and that is what were together. Not like out of control but always smiling and always having fun and nothing would get me down.

The past month changed and emotions started to get into it. She texted me yesterday morning saying I just need time, things just went way too fast. Basically it boils down to I am 22 and she is 20 still wanting to be herself and have fun in college. Serious relationships are too much to deal with right now while your young.

My question is when she calls me and texts me if she does since I know she will before I consider it, how should I play it moving forward. I just want her back but I know this will take time and I know she wants me so bad, I am just HORRIBLE when talking on the phone because I ramble and sometimes become repetitive and occasionally cut her off. She has noticed a difference based on better reflective listening skills but I will never tell her I am changing. She can see it for herself. HER BIRTHDAY IS dec 23rd and mine is Jan 4th, obviously I will be in Michigan in the holidays and it is just way too soon but if she wants to see me what should I do since we haven't seen each other since the break. I was thinking I would say I am busy for awhile and maybe get coffee before I head back to work since I may not come back to MIchigan for a couple months after that.
Funny that I am thinking month and a half ahead just want to make sure I play this out right. New to me
I will move on and have many things to occupy my life. Flying back home for a week and going up to my college to party with my friends and get my mind off things. I will go to NY to meet work friends from another area and just doing anything to occupy my time. I have decided my motivation to get back in shape is that I will try out for Major League baseball this summer and I want to get into the best shape possible. It will set a goal for me and allow me to understand that I can only control what goes on in my life and no one else's.

I'd just do no contact for 2 months. Let the birthdays pass.

Work on other things like oyur baseaball.

Go SLOW moving forward - you rush into thngs nad you crash and burn.

Im not Tal or Cat but I agree with the advice they give and I know what Tals will be.

No contact. Let it go. No messages, no phone calls, no email, no IM. NO CONTACT.

Don't answer her calls.

You need to completely disappear of the face of the planet for a couple of months as far as she is concerned.

In this time you need to work on yourself. Improve yourself. Reflect on what you could have done better. Workout, work hard at school / college. Work hard at your job..

Look at yourself and think how you as a person can be better. Now is agreat time to do some reflecting on yourself and your life.

If you want her back then this is your best option. But if I were you I wouldn't even look at that way.

Thjis time of no contact is about you. To look after you.

Because whether you believe it or not right now after her dropping this on you, you need time to think and space as much as she does.

So no contact for 3 months and work on you. Hard to do but it is better than the outcome you will get if you chase her.. I guarantee you that!

98% of the women don't wan to be chased in that cenario.

Its over, start living a life without her. Pursue your own dreams and let her do whatever. Hey I thought I told you all this before? Buy yourself a birthday present ,buy her nothing,Why would you?

I know it is probably over and in no way am I going to chase her. I was just wondering since I know she will call me especially if she gets president of her sorority.

I will go back to DC January 3rd and may not come back to Michigan for a few months so just wondering if I don't talk to her by the end of December.

Trust me I have a load of friends and always have fun wherever I go. I got 4 phone numbers the other night and one girl said I should take her home.

But it still feels different, I really do miss her and just trying to cope that is all.

Just because one knows the best coarse of action and will follow it to a tee doesn't make it hard.

Kudos for seeing problems ahead and trying to get answers now. No contact may seem cruel or hard to stick with now, but the important thing you need to remember is to get to a place you are healthy and can see things with a clear mind. There will always be feeling for your ex for the rest of your life, but you will be able to deal with those feelings much better after time and healing have done their job. She probably feels the same way, I have little doubt. Its not about her though, it is about you. She knows what she wants, and it is important to give it to her. I think its important not to wait on maybes and to deal with reality. Heal first, everything else is for another time including her birthday, and any reaching out on her part. Stay on the path my fellow Capricorn and make sure you enjoy your birthday without her.

Thanks

Tal - outstanding!

BTW - why are Capricorns so complicated and difficult at times?

Here is the problem Wildcat and Tal with me!

It is not like I can't find something to occupy my time. I have lost 11 pounds in 2 weeks and workout 5 days a week. I go out most nights, have many friends in both my hometown and where I work both coworkers and just randoms.

I play raquetball and basketball and baseball and always seem busy. I think it is more the way it seem to go. Like I know she didn't want it to end but she felt that she couldn't have fun anymore for the next few years without worrying about me and me worrying about her. It is too difficult and too much to deal with right now. When I was 20 I wanted no part of a relationship. I just wanted to have fun. I have no problem understand where she is coming from and we actually left on very good terms, I think it is more that she is in college and I know she will have fun and I don't want to lose her completely from my life regardless of what happens. I have no problem being very distant I just felt like a few months from now if I just constantly ignore her it is like completely cutting her off and I don't think that is fair to her. I will cut off communication but if she calls I owe it to at least call back sometime a few days later but keep it short. But definitely not for awhile.

That is all. I am always finding something to do but I kind of miss my hometown and all my great friends and it is a tough adjustment sometimes.

I wouldn't call back. Don't do it. You won't like the out come. Make her miss you as well.

You need to heal and get over this type of feelings - you need your power BACK!! You need that feeling agan where you be fine if she left, although you'd like her to stay.

Don't contact her on her birthday... that will wake her up for sure! It does seem cruel and mean but if you want her to think of you that will be one day to do it.

I haven't been on in awhile and some know my situation. My girlfriend asked for a break and at first I was hurt but then I realized this was a great opportunity for me. I do love her and would have no problem being her friend somewhere down the road. I have moved on and didn't call her for almost a month.
Yesterday she imed me when I signed on and was about to put an away message. She said I know you don't want to talk to me but I wanted to tell you that I was thinking about you and I missed you. I kept it very short.
Today she called me while I was driving and I answered it in my pocket so when I looked to see who called I had to answer. She said she just wanted to say hi and we talked for a little longer than normal. But not too crazy.
My question is I feel like she doesn't want a serious relationship but wants to be my friend and hang out. I don't want to waver because I have been doing very good. The key all along is I wanted to work into being her friend and that takes time. I need to move on but I also don't want to be a piece of either. It is hard to find a balance. I have made myself very unavailable and I am sure she is having trouble, but it shouldn't be about her but only about what I think is best for me. Overanalyzing everything and trying to plan every talk or event just makes things worse.
I just want some help on the best way to handle it. I want her in my life but I also enjoy being single right now and I have been learning about myself a lot lately. Getting in shape, meeting new people, spending time with family and work. I still miss her but that doesn't mean I need to stress. Please help

I would suggest you stop making yourself so readily available because she made the decision to have some space. It doesn't seem as if she knows what it is that she wants, so continue to find yourself. You don't have to waiver, make the right choice for yourself. You have to take a stand right now, don't be fearful to say what you're feeling. It good to be friends but in being friends, remember there are boundaries!

Would like everyone's thoughts? Not respond... or answer but seem busy and distant or call back a few days later or not at all

We are long distance anyway so when I am in town I don't want to feel like I have to see her because I don't but we broke up over the phone.. so at some point

Any thoughts?

Absence does make the heart grow fonder but I feel like she misses me and that is great to know because it knows I can still do my thing out here and she won't forget about me.

I do agree with Cherri and would add just this... honesty... be honest... exactly what you posted... say to her, be firm, and stick with it. It will save you so much stress on finding ways to avoid and to me head games are never appealing or kind.

Be honest and truthful with her and yourself. If she seems to cling more, deal with that then. You are so right, you do need to focus on the progress you have made, and the only thing that needs to be done is for you to be honest with her. I would think hiding and avoiding will only distract you from the great progress you have made.

Go out there and have fun and way to go on your progress.. good for you!!

I can't understand this thread.
You are contradicting what you said, first you state you ARE in long distance relationship, then you state you don't feel like you have to see her because you broke up over the phone! :confused:

The main question is can you handle being friends with her whilst trying to move on and get over her?

Well firstly. Just because she would be back in your life doesn't mean it has to be as much as it was before, you can easily tell her as a friend that your seeinf her too much, or even just sometimes say your busy if you think your getting too attatched.
Maybe you could get together one day and tell her straight that you don't want to be too close because you like where your at right now
She might be a bit hurt by it but its better than blatantly lying or ignoring her I guess
Hope you got something out of this answer

You get 100 points for knowing what's best for you. If your not ready to be friends ,then don't rush yourself into an uncomfortable situation. She may be ready, but your not. Recognise what you need and take the time you need. If she is a friend, then she will understand and be supportive. Be honest with her and yourself.

Sorry good point. We are in different states and we broke up over the phone. Not in a relationship right now.

And you want to start again or are you wondering about seeing her when you travel to her home state?

Is she the same girl you mentioned in another thread u posted today?

If you are in different states, and broke up over the phone how has the other person 'come back'?

Ok let me be more clear, I tried to make it simple and I think I made it more confusing. Basically she asked for a temporary break for like 3 weeks, I thought about it because it has gotten way too serious. SHe said we are at different points in our lives right now and it is too hard. I said 3 weeks won't change that, lets have a real break while we still feel good about each other.

So we haven't talked in a month because I told her a about a month ago that when I was coming to Michigan it would be best if we don't see each other, it will be too hard. So we hadn't talked since until 2 nights ago she messaged me and said she missed me and was thinking about me. I kept it short. SHe called again last night to say hi.

My question is I would love to see her but I am not sure if it is the right play. I have kept myself busy and plan to do it and not change. I would like to talk to her more but I think it is way too soon right now. Now that I know she misses me this is where it becomes key. But analyzing everything and planning every move just makes it worse.

I DO not want to get back together with her. SHe is still in school and right now we would just break up again in a few months. I think she doesn't want a serious relationship right now as do I , but she doesn't want to lose me.

Not sure how to play it from here on out

Yes KRS

Thanks Tal, I agree because as soon as we talked my roommate said you were doing amazing and now you seem to revert back, stay strong and don't let this ruin your progress.

So I do agree, I just feel like even though she called just to say hi, we talked much more than that. So even though she would say I am just calling to say hi, is it that big of a deal I feel like maybe it is.

Here is the big issue everyone. When we weren't talking all I wanted was to in the future to be able to talk to her again, not on a regular basis but just at some point after enough time. Then when she calls, I want nothing more than more time. Does that make sense?

Basically she asked for a temporary break for like 3 weeks, I thought about it because it has gotten way too serious. I said 3 weeks won't change that, lets have a real break while we still feel good about each other. If you felt good about one another, there has to be a really, really bad or really really good reason for this 'break'.

So we haven't talked in a month because I told her a about a month ago that when I was coming to Michigan it would be best if we don't see each other, it will be too hard. You should not have told her you were going to be in the area, NOT visiting her. It was a bad move, and perhaps she is calling just to call.

My question is I would love to see her but I am not sure if it is the right play. I have kept myself busy and plan to do it and not change. I would like to talk to her more but I think it is way too soon right now. Now that I know she misses me this is where it becomes key. But analyzing everything and planning every move just makes it worse. It will be the wrong thing to do if you go back into communicating with her again, with tension, wonder, etc on your mind, especially if you act in some way to lead her on. Make it clear you want to be friends only if she brings up wanting more. The break was a huge mistake in the first place, if things were going well. The both of you should make up your mind as to what you want out of a relationship.

I DO not want to get back together with her. SHe is still in school and right now we would just break up again in a few months. I think she doesn't want a serious relationship right now as do I , but she doesn't want to lose me. You said it yourself, the 'break' thing could end up being a habit and that isn't good for either of you. If its better to be apart and simply long distance friends then so be it, that is how it has to be if the two of you wish to respect each other's 'place in life'. You want a commitment, and she doesn't; not very likely to work well, as it didn't the first time.

I don't want a commitment. I enjoy being single. The reason I said the break went well, is we both understand that it was too much. LDR is so hard, and we felt it was going down the all or nothing path, and we liked the all but looking 7 years down the road was too much for the both of us. So a little bad and good. But both recognizing it was key, I told her I have no ill will to her, this is the best thing, and if it is meant to be it is meant to be.

I just am trying to figure out how to get her to go away for awhile and forget about me so I can move on and then we can begin talking somewhere down the road. Or am I better talking to her once in awhile to just check in. I know it seems like I am not fine but I overanalyze everything. I am meeting new girls out here, working out already lost 13 lbs, I am playing sports, going out all the time, doing well in work. I have always been a social person, I just never have been in a relationship before this and sometimes I just don't know how to act. I would want her back somewhere down the road, but just don't know how to make that happen without me stressing all the time. I feel like moving on is the only way and being a little bit of an .

Trying to keep her around if you may want her in the future isn't a good idea, it's the same thing as keeping her hopes up, and both are wrong. You may, along with her, could end up getting hurt in the process and not be friends at all. You can't control how she feels about you, but if want to, keep in touch with her as long as you don't have cruel intentions to keep her around in case you change your mind. Hindsight is 20/20, if you don't want her now, you never might.

Very true, but it is more like I don't want to disappear from her life. She was the best thing that happened to me. It was all TIMING not compatibility. We started basically in an LDR and those never work. So you are all right making good points.

Enough is enough. INstead of going and having fun and then keep on stressing over her. I need to think about myself and not about how it will affect her. I need to be honest with her and say even little calls don't help. I feel good about where I am at right now let's try to both give each other more space and time. Even though she may be hurt again by it, I think it is the best thing.

LDR are more hard work than normal relationships, I speak from experience. But they are very rewarding and satisfying if you keep your word, both ways :D

That's good of you then, be selfless, hopefully she (as well as you) will find someone to be with.

Here is the big issue everyone. When we weren't talking all I wanted was to in the future to be able to talk to her again, not on a regular basis but just at some point after enough time. Then when she calls, I want nothing more than more time. Does that make sense?

Yes it does. It shows you recognise you are moving forward and don't want to move back. Give yourself another 100 points for having gotten healthy to be able to think, and you love it cause it feels good to be rational again and make decisions based on what you really want. Be honest and tell her that you are getting over the old feelings but haven't gotten that far yet. HONESTY. Don't be pressured to stray from the path you set for yourself by anyone.

Thanks Tal

I agree with Cherri - quit being gso available to this gal. If you want her back you have to be a challenge - maek her work for it a little. Don't answer the calls. Be busy. Do ithers things - make her miss you MORE - make her wonder!!

Just keep doing what you've been doing. If she continues to call you don't answer if you don't want to talk to her. Don't feel guilty about it. She's the one who wanted the break, remember? You're in a position now to let things progress on your own terms and at your own pace. Stick by your guns and do what you believe to be best for you.

I have a big dilemma. We talk about breaks and breakups and how to do what's best for both parties.

The problem that I am having is I have been doing very good with the no contact rule. We talked the other day and I guess she is so freakn confused. We both don't want a serious relationship right now but we know we are perfect for each other just the timing is all wrong right now because of long distance and everything going on.

Perfect may not be the right word because some people will see that and say you would be together but life doesn't work that way.

Ok back to my question, I am doing pretty good right now, having fun with friends and family, going out, throwing myself into my work and trying to enjoy life. I still can't get her out of mind but I am still having fun. She on the other hand is confused in my opinion and really wants me but we both know if we got back together it would never work right now. How do I let her know without just cutting her off and giving her no contact that she needs to move on right now and lead a more independent life without expressing too many feelings. I am afraid she will drink every night and just not get her life in order.

I have goals in life and I will not let a breakup do that to me but I want to make sure she is giving herself and utiltizing the time and space to the fullest instead of holding on to me right now so we both know if we are truly meant to be. I just want to pick my words carefully because I don't need to talk to her much because I know she misses me and is thinking about me but that doesn't mean in the time we have been broken up that are problems have been fixed because we would be lying to ourselves if they were.

Please give me more insight then just no contact rule for 2-3 months.

Hi Nohitter,

I think it is just a case of being honest with her, communicating exactly how you feel at this stage. It is not a game, you can be upfront about how you feel. You already know she feels for you.

You know that this is not going to work if you get back together now (I am familiar with your previous thread). You need to give it time!

At the same time, she needs to know that you have not closed her off completely. Just talk to her in a mature way (which I know you will) and explain that you want to make it work but feel that if this is going to work out for the best, you both need your space and time apart to work on other areas of your life.

This should hopefully resolve this worry you have of her going down the getting drunk and depressed route. She will know where she stands and can then begin her process of self-improvement.

Both of you will have a better chance of making a new relationship successful together if you have both taken the time out to do this. That is if this is what you both want when the time comes..

Yes very true. Honesty is the best policy. I just think instead of skirting around the issue of no contact, let her know how I feel once and for all without being too dramatic so we can move on and be more independent and will give each other the understand that time and space may not bring up back together but if we don't give each other time and space we will also never be back together either.

I just hate being so repetitive, I just don't want to string her along either just because I am doing good. I want her to be doing good too. So she will truly know if it was meant to be. And some people are more blunt than others.

Yes very true. Honesty is the best policy. I just think instead of skirting around the issue of no contact, let her know how I feel once and for all without being too dramatic so we can move on and be more independent and will give each other the understand that time and space may not bring up back together but if we don't give each other time and space we will also never be back together either.

I just hate being so repetitive, I just don't want to string her along either just because I am doing good. I want her to be doing good too. So she will truly know if it was meant to be. And some people are more blunt than others.


I think you have hit the nail on the head here..

Don't get too bogged down (so to speak) in the No Contact concept. It is important, but in your case, there does seem to be an area of true hope of making a successful reconcilliation.

It is possible, not guaranteed by any measure but possible. I think this is why in this case, communication may be necessary for the reasons I pointed out in my previous response.

I might need some correction here from someone else but I believe this is the correct way forward.

Stick around and wait until you get a second opinion before you decide what you are going to do Nohitter.

Oh... I like what you said about not wanting to string her along and that you want her to be doing good too.. This shows good character and sincerity!!

Good for you! Don't change!

Nohitter,

I would take Geoff's advice and run with it. It is perfect and the best way to handle this situation.

Geoff, I could not agree more about the stringing along... yes, it shows incredible character and a truly great person to have such concern.

Nohitter, this will work out.

Wishing you the best.

By Nohitter,
Ok back to my question, I am doing pretty good right now, having fun with friends and family, going out, throwing myself into my work and trying to enjoy life. I still can't get her out of mind but I am still having fun. She on the other hand is confused in my opinion and really wants me but we both know if we got back together it would never work right now. How do I let her know without just cutting her off and giving her no contact that she needs to move on right now and lead a more independent life without expressing too many feelings. I am afraid she will drink every night and just not get her life in order
First off you have not practiced no-contact, but you have managed to talk yourself into some kind of fantasy that even if it happens will do you or your ex any good at all. In every post you've written you've made no secret that you wanted to get back with the ex. Now, as far as I can see you have been here a month and how many times have you talked to you ex? How many times have you led her on about getting back together later, after this break. How can she move on under these circumstances? What you are doing has nothing to do with the advice given and in no way resembles the no contact that has been advised. What you have is a plan to keep your ex if you so desire and put everything on someone else if it fails. You have every right to do as you please, but be honest about it, you have and always will think that you will be with your ex again and will do nothing to let her go in her own direction. That's control to me and will backfire, in MY opinion. So stop trying to sell yourself a bill of goods only you believe, and don't hide behind an idea you don' believe in ( no contact) and be honest about your agenda, getting her back whether she has improved or not. Your helping yourself at her expense.

That's control to me and will backfire, in MY opinion. So stop trying to sell yourself a bill of goods only you believe, and don't hide behind an idea you don' believe in ( no contact) and be honest about your agenda, getting her back whether she has improved or not. Your helping yourself at her expense.

Interesting point...

I never thought of it like this but I read the post again and there could be some truth in what tal says here..

Don't take it to heart Nohitter but I think Tal is right, you need to be clear on your agenda.


I think it is just a case of being honest with her, communicating exactly how you feel at this stage.

You need to be honest with yourself too!

I am afraid she will drink every night and just not get her life in order.

.....

I just don't want to string her along either just because I am doing good. I want her to be doing good too.

I can tell that you are a very compassionate person and truly want what is best for both of you. But you have to be very careful not to try and take responsibility for her. The terrible truth is that we each have to choose for ourself how to respond to problems and crises in our lives. I think the advice you're getting here is good, and I applaud your concern for her, just be careful to draw the line where it needs to be and don't allow her to blackmail you by threatening to make bad choices. You can encourage and support her, but you can't make her choose wisely. One of the hardest lessons in life is to let those we care deeply about make bad choices and reap the consequences, but real love demands nothing less.

One of the hardest lessons in life is to let those we care deeply about make bad choices and reap the consequences, but real love demands nothing less.

I like the way you put that!

I definitely agree with the way you are putting this. When I give advice on her I definitely should sometimes heed my own advice. In no way do I have to be there making sure she makes every right decision. Let her do whatever she wants.

It is up to me decide what I want. Going away and having fun is what I am doing but constantly thinking and talking about her makes it that much harder.

I am just tyring to find a balance between having a good time and disappearing but sometime the only way to see if that person really means something is to wipe it clean and try to move on and see if down the road she does come back.

As far as one of your comments tal, I have not been following the no contact rule. But not the way you put it. I do come on here and talk about her but I have only called her once since the breakup. She called me and made numerous attempts to contact. I did respond but only later on. I was not available. Obviously I didn't not answer her call for 2-3 months. It is still fresh in both of our minds and I guess I need to start thinking for myself. Instead of always trying to be honest with her maybe I need to be honest with myself.

I am just tyring to find a balance between having a good time and disappearing but sometime the only way to see if that person really means something is to wipe it clean and try to move on and see if down the road she does come back.
Not to beat a dead horse, we already know how you feel about her. If you have any notion that healing is anything other than putting you in a healthy place, with a healthy mind, to make healthy decisions, based on reality, then you are doomed to failure. The reason I repeat this message is your continual hope of getting back with her, an idea YOU MUST let go for any progress to happen. You don't have to tell me how hard it is , I already know.


It is up to me decide what I want. Going away and having fun is what I am doing but constantly thinking and talking about her makes it that much harder
Amazing how many times we already know the answers to our questions, but just don't know it.

Yeah can't just talk if I don't believe the words

Not to beat a dead horse, we already know how you feel about her. If you have any notion that healing is anything other than putting you in a healthy place, with a healthy mind, to make healthy decisions, based on reality, then you are doomed to failure. The reason I repeat this message is your continual hope of getting back with her, an idea YOU MUST let go for any progress to happen. You don't have to tell me how hard it is , I already know.Amazing how many times we already know the answers to our questions, but just don't know it.


Listen to this nohitter...

I have had to face up to this...

I believe you must too..

For your own sake!

Hard I know but you must try!!

<< She on the other hand is confused in my opinion and really wants me but we both know if we got back together it would never work right now. How do I let her know without just cutting her off and giving her no contact that she needs to move on right now and lead a more independent life without expressing too many feelings.>>

Of course she must be confused! And I doubt she cannot move on at all.
You have not been very clear with her in my opinion, She obviously thinks ye are going to get back together and is not moving on.
Are you just keeping her on the sidelines in case you change your mind in a few months and don't find anything better out there? Either break up properly or get back together with her but don't leave the poor girl in a state of Limbo... that is not a nice place to be... I am speaking from personal experience here. It could help her a lot to get real closure.

Most people know my situation but it has been a little over 2 months now since I became single. My ex girlfriend asked for a break of 3 weeks where I responded by saying why take a break now and fool each other. Let's take a real break while we still don't hate each other.

I enjoy being single and she is now with a new man.

My birthday was Jan 4 and she texted me at 1 am to say happy 23rd birthday then in the evening she imed me probably thinking I may not have got the text and wrote happy birthday old man. I responded to neither. I guess my reasoning to not respond was to show her I am moving on because I am and if she doesn't have the decency to pick up the phone and call me then there is no reason to respond.

I was wondering if I did the right thing because I still do at some point want to talk to her again but I understand realistically that a relationship with us would never work right now. I am out in DC and she is Michigan with school still left.

I feel great about myself having lost about 18lbs now, going out with friends, getting closer with my family and thriving in my job. I am only 23 and I am trying to make the most of my life and do something with it. What I want to accomplish has nothing to do with her or any woman for that matter. I still have very strong feelings for her but unlike others on this site I don't pretend that I am in no contact but still I'm and text and what not. I have not made any contact although I won't lie I did call her on her birthday just to wish her a happy birthday. Her mom and grandma were in the background yelling we wish you were here drinking with us. But that was it.

Not sure what I am asking just had to write to someone.

Nohitter,

If it felt right inside for you to not respond, then yes, you did the right thing. I am not a fan of someone not responding to messages, however, you have done so well for yourself since the break, you have to go with what is healthy for YOU. Concerning yourself about down the line, is something that you should not worry about right now.

So glad for all the progress you have made and all the happiness you are experiencing. Good for you.

If it does not effect your progress, perhaps you could just send a "thank you" back to one of her messages. It all depends on you. Will it bother you more not to reply at all, or to just acknowledge the fact that she did wish you a Happy Birthday, just as you did for her.

Personally, I think the polite thing to do, is a quick reply, just saying "Received your message, Thanks". But only if you are comfortable inside with that.

The relationship ended amicably. I think what she did was quite sweet, and a thank you would have been in order.

Like we tell the young ones who are worried about asking for or accepting a date… She is not asking you to marry her. She simply wished you a happy birthday. Try not to see more into it than there is.

A young one may ignore something like a text because they are in a huff with the other person. Adults deal responsibly with their contacts - so long as that contact isn't simply out to hassle them.

Nohitter I think if you feel what you did was right, then I think it was right. If you didn't think it necessary to reply, then I agree.

This is your life now and she isn't a part of it. That was decided months back.

You don't owe her anything in my book, just as she doesn't owe you anything.

So I hope you would not have been here angry and disappointed if she didn't send you that message, because that would be hypocritical of you.

Just be sure that you treat people with respect though. Don't do things with the hope that it will affect someone else negatively. Do things with the hope that it will affect YOU positively. Keep that in mind and I'm sure it will work out the best for all involved.

Hope that made sense. Im a little rusty having been away for so long!

Thanks very true... didn't really look at it like that

I was wondering if I did the right thing because I still do at some point want to talk to her again but I understand realistically that a relationship with us would never work right now

Yes. Your under no obligation to talk to her until YOU are ready.

Chuff is right, you don't have to talk to her until you are ready but you might have wanted to at least thank her for saying that unless you just wanted to give the impression of being rude. If someone walking down the street said happy birthday and you ignored it directly it would mean that you still were harboring negative feelings. Not saying that you would have to go back to talking regularly but if u do have intentions of talking to her at some point that was a starting point. She remembered your b-day which is a good thing and seemed nice about it but in the end you have to do what is best for u! Which is feel good about yourself!

As others have said, do what's right for you. There wouldn't have been any harm in just replying to her birthday wishes with a simple "Thanks" and leaving it at that, but it's up to you. Neither option is right or wrong.

I decided to write a late response saying I received your message, thanks for the b-day wishes

I guess the problem that I am having is that I have very strong feelings for her and I know she is dating someone else but I know she loves me. But at the same time I enjoy being single and I know realistically we would never work right now. She is immature and at a young age still in school and she was my first real true relationship. I always stayed away from relationships and just had fun and went from woman to woman not all too crazy just never could stay with one.

Then she came around and I stopped and enjoyed her company had so much fun but the long distance on top of the new job in a new city and not use to having the whole relationship took a toll. So I am not doing the no contact to get back together. Although I still love her I want to experience life and get my life in order outside of women in general but at the same time try to meet women and see what's out there. But I try to keep those things private, the less she knows the better.

So I guess not thanking her on my birthday was a way to show her I had moved on but at the same time a thank you wasn't a big deal I just was disappointed she didn't call since I called her on her birthday dec 23rd.

Why did you expect her to call you?

Are you sure you didn't write back as some type of revenge for her not calling you? Sounds like it could have been.

As I said in the post before, just like you think you don't have to contact or reply to her because you have moved on, she may have felt that she didn't have to call you because she also had moved on. Maybe she thought that at this point all that was required was a quick text, because after all she was busy with other things in her life and didn't have time to call?

You a re being a little hypocritical by saying you are disappointed that she didn't call you for your birthday, but in the same breathe saying that you don't think you should have to contact her because you want to show you have moved on.

Why does she not have the same right? Is this more a matter of you being upset because you thought you still had her a little more than you actually do?

Im not sure, but it just sounds like this post is more to do with you being upset at her lack of contact as opposed to your motives for the lack of you response. Maybe I'm wrong though!

Just some questions for you to think about!

To a certain extent I just expected a call but the way you put it expectations aren't always met and at the same time where does it say she has to do it my way.

And as I sit back her not calling her was probably easier, not much to say right now besides checking in. Maybe I do think I have her more than I think I do. But I know the way she feels about me. She has let me know that. I guess love does fade but people like her I don't want to lose in my life.

Maybe I am being naïve and you can think about it any way you want but these actions are making people think my growth is hindered. My life is so much better than it ever has been. It is no reflection on her but being in a relationship for a long time and no longer in one has gave me a lot of time to myself. At some point a woman will enter the picture but I am in no rush to get back into anything serious.

Basically she and I both know if we got back together it would be marriage or nothing and that is why we are both shying away. We don't want something that serious right now or at least what that all brings. I would rather us go our separate ways to a certain extent and see if fate brings us together. If not I know I will have probably either completely moved on or find someone that truly makes me happy. But at 23 and her being 21, neither of us know what we want. And that won't change even with months of no contact.

Just to clarify it makes it sound like we are having constant contact but just reiterating what was said in the past.

My impression is that she sent the comment via text cause it would not put you in the situation of having to talk to her. You say you haven't talked to her, but you know she is with someone else now... If I was her I probably wouldn't make a live call either since things might be awkward since she has somebody else now, and wouldn't want to have to talk about it, or have to avoid it.

Texting is also a way of testing the waters, to see if you have resentment or not. Its kind of a safety net so if you didn't ever answer she would think things were 'not so cool' and she would save you guys from having an awkward conversation after the Happy Birthday was said.

I am not positive this is how she would see things, Ive just tried to put myself into that position and how I would react...

Either way it sounds like she wants to keep things on a friendly note. She obviously still thinks of you since she tried twice to make sure you got her birthday wishes. Therefor I think you made the right choice to at least tell her thank you. It says your not ignoring her, you still care, but you still have your life going...

I agree with how you see things nohitter. I know a lot of people here preach the nocontact rule, and it makes sense for a lot of situations. However if you feel you have been able to move on, be happy and have so much positiveness since the break up and still remain somewhat friends with her, then there is no reason for No Contact now.

I think its great you have so much going for you and you still have a positive look outlook on relationships, her and just life in general...

Wish I could get there.. lol.

First of all, happy birthday. Secondly, I think you did the right thing. You have good insight for such a young person. To repsond to her I'm would only encourage her to keep imming you. That can lead to some nastiness when you have ended in a nice way. In being disappointed because she didn't call you instead, is okay and normal. No matter how strongly you feel about ending it there is still a little glimmer of hope. That fades fast. But if you feel you did the right thing then take comfort in that. Too many people belitle themselves by begging and pleading for the other to take them back.

Nohitter,

I think your attitude is great and your insight on this is brilliant.

Everything you say in your posts is from the heart and that is clear to see.

I was never doubting you, just merely posing some questions for you to think about. And they are questions I know I had to ask myself.

You are doing great, and I honestly believe you when you say your life is better now than it has ever been. That is great, so make sure you keep it that way.

I don't think your growth has been hindered at all by these actions. In fact it probably shows even further growth by the maturity and honesty in your responses.

But just be aware of one thing. Sadly the moment you two broke up, you pretty much did or eventually will lose her from your life. It is so very rare that people continue any form of relationship with ex's.

I didn't want to lose mine from my life either, and she said the same. We were best friends before we started our intimate relationship and in some ways will always have some sort of bond, but the relationship ended the day we broke up and we have lose each other from our lives. Please don't hold on to hope that she will be in your life.

Happy belated Birthday, my fellow Capricorn, you are on a good course and doing great. I hope you continue, whether your ex is in your future or not.

Ok most people know my situation and it has been about 3 months since we broke up. We didn't have much hatred for one another, just understood Long distance was just too much and it was too hard for her to enjoy college and me to enjoy a new place and a new job.

She has a new boyfriend now and it really doesn't make me mad or not because we both are moving on and getting on with our lives. I still harbor very strong feelings for her no matter how much fun I am having out here. Life is too short to worry about things I can't control.

The reason I am posting this is she is coming in for a sorority function to Philadelphia in the beginning of February and I will be in Philadelphia at the same time. My question is should I make the move on trying to contact her or just let it go and it will let her truly know that I truly have moved on.

At the same time I don't want to contact her and I get turned down for meeting for coffee or some quick food to catch up because she has a boyfriend and I want to make sure I am not stepping on anyone's toes. Because let's say I ask and she says no even if I truly have my feelings set aside and I am purely just meeting up to catch since we haven't seen each other in a long time. What does everyone think and how would they play this out? I know for a fact she probably won't call me. I just know I won't be coming back to Michigan for a long time and there won't be many opportunities to see her if at all but I don't want to interfere with her life and hinder her growth either.

I guess she might call me when she is in town but I know as an ex I know how it looks to meet up with her ex.

My question is should I make the move on trying to contact her or just let it go and it will let her truly know that I truly have moved on.

Why worry about letting her know anything. Put this whole thing out of your mind and leave her alone. If she calls be very busy and unavailable. If she calls. Why mess up all the work you have done already for a small chance to see her again?

I agree but honestly it wouldn't mess up anything. I have been available and I am doing great and I don't want to do anything that would hinder my growth in anyway.

It would just be nice to see her. No feelings talk or anything just jovial. I will not contact her but she makes the attempt I don't know I think it wouldn't be a big deal as long as I have no expectations beyond just catching up

If you think your ready to deal with it, its up to you.

What would be the reasoning that I shouldn't? So I can decide what's best. I mean if she doesn't call then it really doesn't even matter. But if she makes the effort...

I don't know, this who 'no contact' thing seems to be about healing and not a lot else. If you think you're healed, what's the point in not contacting her yourself? Just what are you trying to prove exactly? The BF test is a good one here because the fact that it doesn't bother you that she's seeing someone else shows a clear acceptance of the fact that it's over between the two of you.

If you want to be friends, what's the harm in taking the high road and being the first one to put out the hand of friendship?

You can't be friends while you are still having strong feelings for her. Face it, the only reason you want to meet with her is to see if anything has changed. It is normal, but unhealthy. I am in the same place as you so I know where you are coming from and I too have great difficulties with it. There are a lot of people to be friends with, so why pick the one you have feelings for? Because somewhere in your head, unconsciously maybe, you still want her back. If her feelings aren't mutual, then there is no need to talk, meet, call or whatever. Pretend she's dead. Out of your life.

That makes a lot of sense. Feeling can't truly be mutual when the other has a BF and I have no desire to get back into a relationship. Makes more sense, thanks.

Don't assume that because she has a boyfriend, she's gotten past your relationship or you, he may be the crutch she needs to carry her through it.

Having said that, because you are still harboring intense feelings for her and you really truly don't know how she feels about you or how it will effect her, it's best not to contact her. It may set you or both of you in a bit of a confused state, you don't need to take a step back now.

Don't contact her!

There is no need to at all! It won't achieve anything positive in my opinion.

Trust me, I've been there and done exactly what you are considering.

Don't make the same mistakes as I did!

I have been broken up since late October and honestly having the time of my life. Traveling to different places, have a great job and just truly enjoying the time with my family and friends.

I finally made an attempt to reach out to my ex with no desire to get back together but will all her attempts to previously and me not ready for that I felt I was ready and it wouldn't hurt me to communicate with her.

I had a bad feeling about her because of some away messages about dying inside and heard she may be really sick. So I called her and she didn't answer so I didn't leave a message figuring I would try back in a few hours and leave a message. She called me back 20 minutes later and we had a great conversation just making her laugh and keeping things light but at the same time I asked her if things were OK with her because I saw some messages that didn't seem like her normal self. She said she was fine and was just sick and the doctors didn't truly know what she had.

Anyway the main reason why I am talking on here is I made the attempt to reach out to her and I still really do care about her. Now that I made the attempt to contact her should I stay away until after school ends for her unless she contacts me next? What do you recommend? That was my thinking.

I am still having fun but miss her at the same time. I am moving forward I feel and no steps back. I was able to talk to her and not talk about any feelings just keep it light and showed her the bridges weren't burned and no matter what happens with us or where we go in life that I always will care about her no matter what. The last part is how I was thinking not what I said just wanted to clarify so people didn't think I talked about my feelings to her

Hi nohither,
I think you should get back to no contact now again,
You made the attempt to contact her, so it is up to her to contact you back now if she is interested.. (even for friendship... but is that what you want?)

To be honest not really sure... She is only 21 and I am 23 and I am not stupid I understand that the odds are against us. It is not like I can't meet other girls but she was very special to me in more than just the physical aspect.

The problem I go back and forth on is I know now isn't our time and I am doing great at no contact. Was not pushy whatsoever. I just want her to live her life and enjoy being in school and let her mature and figure out what she wants. I guess at some point if these feelings do persist I will have to let her know but just know if it would work it wouldn't be for at least a year down the road.

And I want to make sure I am not planning things and hindering my growth from moving on. There are many great women out there and many things to do and I have been experiencing everything life has to offer without doing anything at the expense of her. Long answer to you rol just wanted to give you more perspective. To be honest I would rather have her as a friend then not at all but I don't think either would work right now but slight communication wouldn't hurt just to keep us updated. So yes I will go back to NO CONTACT again. It was the first contact we had on the phone since her birthday on Dec 23

Maybe it's the weather, but a lot of the break-up people have been going through this "want to talk to the ex" thing. I've been on almost all your posts since you got here, and you should be pleased at your own progress. I hope your serious about going back to NO CONTACT since this entire post reeks of some kind of old hope, and I don't think it fair to mess up your healing or hers with a false hope since you still aren't ready according to you. Please for both your sakes stay on the path. You may feel stronger but stay with what got you this far.

Yeah I agree tal. Even reading my old posts I know I am better now but not because of being without her but being happier with my life and everything around it. Being single has afforded me the ability to spend more time with my family, get to know my sister on a personal level instead of trying to kill anyone that tried to talk to her. Now I am there for her and can truly look from the outside. My friends are great and I am so happy to be able to do what I want. There are still some unresolved issues with myself that need to be handled. Like figuring out what I want to do with my life. And many of these things I could have done and had a relationship I just didn't understand how to balance everything but stepping back helps everything

As for her, I do still have some false hope but definitely not holding me back. I try to live each day with a purpose and an understanding that I may not get these days back and settling down I am no interest for. I am out there having fun and if I meet someone special I won't look back no matter how good I feel about my ex. So you know what even listening to these words no matter if she still cares about me or not NO CONTACT! Has to happen no matter what. She still might contact me but at least go at it until May because that will be enough time removed.

But I do agree with you, when people say believe in fate because if it meant to be it is meant to be doesn't mean sit around and wait for her it means move on and experience life and if situations arise where we are drawn back together then so be it but don't force anything.

Hi nohither,
Well if you want to be kind of friends then why not, but I would wait for her to contact you next... to see if she also wants to stay friends.
As tal says for now stay on the healing path.

Nohitter, you are trying to tell us that you are over her. That you don't want her back...
I might be wrong, but -based on the things you said- it sounds to me that you're not over her at all. If you would be over her, then you wouldn't even feel the need to "reach out". You certainly would not be on this side asking questions like "what do I do next, contact her, or let her contact me?" If I was you I would go back to a clean no contact, and wait it out for a few more months. Do not worry if you still have feelings for her, it is natural. Just be patient, and you will get over it, completely

I think there is a kind of active caring for an ex that can be inappropriate. Its not anyone's responsibility or privilege to continue to openly care for an ex. That ends when the relationship ends. Of course you may continue to have caring feelings for an ex but those feelings are best kept to yourself so that there is room for someone else to come along and actively care like that. Those who can pull this kind of post relationship caring off usually have children (that's the motive) and even then is very rare in the world.

Trying to turn a romance back into a friendship is painful for someone. So why do it? Just so that someone may continue to express their caring feelings? There was lots of time to do that before it ended. Some kindness is not kind and this would be one of them for me. The man who says to me, "honey I have to break up with you but I still care about you" will hear me say, "that's nice, and I have also cared for you too" just before I walk away and find people who's words match their actions more closely -- not angry, not bitter, just mindful that is what needs to happen.

Besides most of that "caring" usually turns out to be a thinly disguised desire to get someone back and in that case, its not to be trusted at all. It's a manipulation.

There's my two cents worth about the topic in general. Only you can determine how much of this applies (or not) to your situation, Nohitter. Its offered as hopefully helpful food for thought.

Perfectly put Val!! Wow exactly what I was feeling for some time!

You certainly would not be on this side asking questions like "what do I do next, contact her, or let her contact me?

--I do agree I am still not over her and that is very hard to deal with, because I have always found it very easy to move on from women and have no feelings involved because of the care free attitude I possess. This girl was different and no matter how much fun I have I can't seem to get her out of my head. I understand that moving on completely is what needs to happen and I am doing everything in my power to make that happen. The problem I have is long distance and timing were the only real problems we had and this was a mutual breakup. I just couldn't see myself holding her back in school and life and for me in a new job and a new area I had initial trouble adjusting because I was holding on to something back home.

But I do agree it is inappropriate to have that caring feeling for someone but when you sit by her side at a hospital bed while a lump gets removed from her breast with her grandma and mom and become very close it is only natural to have those feelings. My personality will make it hard for me to ever lose her out of my life in any capacity and she would be the same way. Timing and location ruined us and as much as people would say that if you truly loved each other you would find a way and I do agree to an extent but my feeling was I would rather end it now while we don't hate each other then stick it out or get back together after a short break to end up breaking up yet again.

So no contact is what I am going to do, but I feel every situation is different and you can't just say completely move on or never talk to her or communicate with her because there was no abuse, no cheating, true love and care for one another. But yes no contact has been put to work I mean since the breakup in October we have talked at least from reaching out from my end 4 times. There was no begging just an understanding on my part that when she tells me she cries on the phone every time she talks to me and can't translates the feelings and set them aside(same for me without the crying) that it was best to let her be even with her attempts to contact me.

So I sit here happy with my life, happy with everything and I truly do mean it. I lost 15 lbs, I feel great about everything.

I guess one question would be and please look at it honestly, there comes a point where I have to be a man and let her know that I am feeling this way. She attempted to reach out and I kept on cutting her off and saying this is for the best and let's not talk.

She would say she missed me and all this and that. Lets say I keep on doing no contact and these feelings don't go away, when is it right to tell her that I miss her if they are still there. I am not lying like others sometimes, I don't I'm her, call her, text her or email her. I gave it time and when we talked the other day it flowed well we were laughing and joking and honestly I had no desire to tell her my feelings or anything because there not completely there. I am just wondering if they are still there months down the road or even a year, when is it time to say something, because at some point I can't just keep it inside. I would rather her reject an attempt a while down the road if the feelings persist so I can never even rekindle them again. I have women and will still get women and hopefully get myself in a fulfilling relationship, I just enjoy being single but at some point I can't sit back and not say anything if after a year the feelings are there.

Well you made the last attempt to reach out to her so she knows now that she can reach out to you if she wishes.. she knows where you are.

So leave it at that.

Time will make things clearer , right now it's a bit blurry,
Wait until you get to the anger stage and you will know what I am talking about.

I mean she is in another relationship right now and I am not angry at all actually happy for her.

Time to be honest dude, since the no contact has been broken and you will always have feelings for her the rest of your life. She has a new b/f and wants to be friends, so make up your mind if you can live with waiting or not. Why wait when you can move on and let her be happy with her new b/f?

I just enjoy being single but at some point I can't sit back and not say anything if after a year the feelings are there.
I think you may have answered your own question about when to look her up again and tell her your real feelings? My guess is much will have changed at that time and you'll be better able to look back and see more clearly.

Yea that makes sense. Give it time and like we all said the time the ex comes back is when we have already moved on. Guess I am afraid of doing that but you know what I truly am not. I know I will make many women happy and am not ready to settle down anytime soon so as scary as it is that I may lose her it is the only way. Let her be which is what I was doing. Let's not let the last conversation affect anything that I am trying to accomplish right now.

I have a new job, getting into real estate and other ventures and a woman that has a boyfriend right now is not someone I should even be trying to talk to let alone someone I still have feelings for. Enough said thanks all for being there for me and not letting me fall back or anything.

Yeah definitely don't fall back nohither! 3 months contact is too much to go back to the beginning again and imagine that could be friends.
In another 2 months or so you should be feeling a lot better.