Hello everyone. I've lurked this site for a couple of days and I like the responses people gave to each other, so I thought I might as well ask my question.

A little background: I'm 20 and she's 18 now. We go to 2 different colleges and I live about 50 miles away from her. Because of this, I only see her roughly once a month, except during the summer. We've had a lot of good times and never had an actual argument. Was it because I was too eager to submerge my wants just to make her "happy" or because she always had difficulty telling me problems.

She broke up with me a week ago. She gave all the normal lines about how she still loves me (and even in love with me), but says she doesn't want a relationship right now. I found that hard to believe that she'd say this after a year and a half, so I assumed that she'd found someone better than me. She also said she'd been feeling this way for some time, but just never told me. I understand why she left, because I put her on a pedestal, not letting her be herself around me, and she got fed up. She has a whole new circle of friends, and felt that she couldn't enjoy them because she was always worried about my social life (which admittedly was non-existent).

I went through the normal grieving process: rage that she could leave me out of the blue like that, depression that I could never find someone to replace her, thus being alone once again (she was my first girl and true love), wondering if she's found another guy and then a sudden urge to vomit thinking about the two of them together.

Reading everything I could on the net has helped immensely. Everyday (except when I first wake up) gets better. I've talked to a guy I know who's been through this and it's given me some needed perspective. I haven't texted her or called since the break up, nor do I have any real urge to do so. I sent her one e-mail asking how she's doing and that was it.

I'm focusing on changing myself into someone who isn't dependent on others for his happiness. I walk down the street with a confidence that I never felt before. I guess I want to see if it can still work, but not until I'm happy with the way I am. Is this a good course of action?

but not until I'm happy with the way I am. Is this a good course of action?
I think this is an excellent course of action and I hope you stay on this path Good luck!

Boy that was easy!

Thanks for the positive reinforcement. I feel like I'm at a crossroads: while I wouldn't mind having her back, the idea of being with someone else isn't unfathomable anymore.

She's a wonderful person and for a while I wanted to call her and tell her that I wanted to be in her life no matter what. Luckily, I haven't done that, now knowing how detrimental that would be. I like being around her, but I fear being friends will make me extremely jealous and vengeful if she decides to tell me about her new partner.

Yes it will.

I can't be that good, or can I?

Yes, you are.

What about all the great things she's said to me? She always told me she loved me, and that I was the one she wanted to be with. The day before she left me, she would noticeably wince every time I said I loved her, yet still wanted to hang out with me and laugh and joke around!

I feel betrayed that after a year and a half of bliss, she ups and moves on like she doesn't love me anymore (she had an extremely upsetting attitude when she first told me over the phone, just saying "I'm tired of you" like I'm something you pull off the bottom of your shoe. ). Also, she says she's felt like this for some time, but didn't tell me how long, despite me asking her directly.

If she wants space, fine, I can handle that. But why drag me through the mud first?

Hey Blazing your doing everything correctly. To be hoest I can't tell you why women fill the need to be so rude when the break up. Saying "I'm tired of you" is cowardly and low. That right there tells you that she isn't worth your time. She could have easily cited (and it would have been the truth) the distance and lack of time you two have between you. You may not realize this now (actually I think you might) but your better off without this kind of person in your life. Keep up the good work and keep us posted.

Thanks chuff. You may be right, maybe I'm better off without her. But it so hard to just throw away all I've built with her. I want the phone to ring so badly. I loved feeling that no matter what was going on in my life, I could always "come home to her".

Thanks chuff.

No problem. It's what I do.



You may be right, maybe I'm better off without her.


You are.



But it so hard to just throw away all I've built with her. I want the phone to ring so badly. I loved feeling that no matter what was going on in my life, I could always "come home to her".

My friend there is someone much better for you out there. I know you'll find her.

Little bit of female insght here, so bear with me.

I do agree with everything you are doing! GREAT job. Don't change what you are doing at all.

Chuff says that he does not understand why women are so rude with the breakup. Well, we are VERY emotional creatures. We need to find a way to make the break up easier on us.

Yes, saying "I am tired of you" is cowardly and low, I do not dispute that. But we have to find a way to harden our shells, so to speak, so that it is easier on us.

I am in no means defending her, or any other woman that does this. It is just a defense mechanism that a lot of women use to make the break up easier on us.

So, I can most likely assure you she is suffering as much as you are, and sometimes suffering rears it's ugly head in different forms, but this can be a woman's way of making a break up easier to deal with.

I like that I'm doing the right thing. But I guess the real test comes if she calls. It will be hard not to revert to the personality which drove her away in the first place. The last thing I want to make her feel is that I don't care if she lives or dies. I know I have to convey the feeling that I've moved on (which I believe more and more, but still curious to see if she's my "soulmate"), but how do I do this without coming off as either needy or a jerk?

P.S: Why does waking up in the morning (or any other time) hurt so much? My entire sleep pattern has changed. I also dream about her more than I ever did when we were together (and coming from someone who rarely dreams, means a lot!). It's getting to the point where I dread waking up in the morning.

Yes, the test comes if, and when, she calls. Just don't answer, I know easier said than done. But, remember the No Contact Rule we always talk about? I know it is hard, but it is necessary.

Why does waking hurt so much? That is when you are the most vulnerable. Look at it this way... When you are sick with the flu or cold, when do you feel the worst? In the morning.

Yes, your sleep pattern has changed, dream patterns changed... this is all part of the grieving process. Losing a loved one hurts. It is not much different than losing one to death. You still lost a loved one. You are still loving and grieving, going through a healing process. It takes time, but you can do this. And you will be a better person.

J9 you stated that women are emotional creatures. Well, I'm not disputing that but society and popular culture has sort of made men out to be these animals that care about only one about sex and as soon as we get it were gone. As you know from reading posts here that is not true at all. Now I will admit to you that I'm more emotional person than normal but it has been my experience that men in genernal take a break up harder than women. I understand putting up a wall but if your going to break up with someone sticking the knife in the heart on the way out the door just isn't the way to do it. That's just my opionion.


As far as waking up goes. Try and read a book before you sleep. Generally when I do that I dream and wake up thinking about what I read.

What makes the grieving process so tough is the hurt you feel for a long time. Time will help you deal with it but it is normal because you are a caring human being. The good news, you do not have to answer her calls or talk to her period. The bad news ,This will hurt like hell. No way around it and it is going to feel like going head first into a brick wall. Sorry not to scare you, but that's just the way it is. Yeah she done you wrong no doubt, At least you didn't marry the 'B' and have a few kids with her. Now that would be real misery. ( sorry I always look for the positive) In a while you'll know what to do when you meet that real love.

J9 you stated that women are emotional creatures. Well, I'm not disputing that but society and popular culture has sort of made men out to be these animals that care about only one about sex and as soon as we get it were gone. As you know from reading posts here that is not true at all. Now I will admit to you that I'm more emotional person than normal but it has been my experience that men in genernal take a break up harder than women. I understand putting up a wall but if your going to break up with someone sticking the knife in the heart on the way out the door just isn't the way to do it. That's just my opionion.


As far as waking up goes. Try and read a book before you sleep. Generally when I do that I dream and wake up thinking about what I read.

Chuff, I think you misunderstood me. Women are openly emotional creatures. We cry in public, we hug other women... etc. We are emotionally open, whereas men keep a lot of their feelings closed up.

It is not my personal belief that once men "get it" they are gone. Men are just as emotional as women, but they show it in different ways.

So, that said... Some women who do not want to show their emotions are rude and hurtful so that it makes the break easier for them.

That is all I was trying to say. Didn't mean for a misunderstanding. Just did not put it in the right words.

Is there a possibility of reconciliation? Not that I'm actively looking for it, just want to know if it's possible considering how she left and how long we've been together

By the way, she also said that she wanted to leave because she was afraid she might do something "bad". She's talked about her fear of her perceived lack of self-control. With her new circle of friends, she feels like she has to repay kindness in any way that will make the other person happy.

While this will be a dumb comment, I just want to get it off my chest: Why do nice guys who treat people with the utmost respect fail? I loved her with all my heart and she stabs me! Why even try anymore?

By the way, she also said that she wanted to leave because she was afraid she might do something "bad". She's talked about her fear of her perceived lack of self-control. With her new circle of friends, she feels like she has to repay kindness in any way that will make the other person happy.

While this will be a dumb comment, I just want to get it off my chest: Why do nice guys who treat people with the utmost respect fail? I loved her with all my heart and she stabs me! Why even try anymore?


Hi there,

Your sitiation seems remarkably similar to mine... Now without going on about my situation, lets talk about yours.

You sound as if you are a caring, considerate man and had true feelings for her and the hurt must be unbearable, I know it is for me ove rmy ex. My ex said to me "I'm scared that if I stay with you any longer, I will cheat on you" A bit more direct but what she was basically saying was that I was her first real relationship. I met her when I was 23, she was 17. 3 Years on, she wanted to breakup, that was 2 months ago... Since then she has been going out with friends, having fun.. I know this because I bumped into her brother and he told me that was what was going on.. I have a feeling she wanted to experiment..

Now to your situation, she said to you she wanted out because she was afraid she would do something bad... This is very likely to mean cheating on you.. Sorry if this hurts and I don't want to make it any worse for you but I think this is realistic.

Also, she obviously knows that you are too good to be cheated on, hence the fact that she has decided to walk before doing such a thing.. So she must respect you.. She knows you are good.

I think you can do better, I think I can do better than my ex... I know it does not help people saying that because until our hearts mend, it is hard to move on..

One thing you need to remember is that IF she did come back to you, (and I don't want to create false hope) would you be willing to accept that she wanted to "sow her wild oats" and then come back to you knowing full well what happened outside the relationship. If you could accept that, fair enough, after all she is now a free agent but don't be second best, don't be the doormat.. Remember, you are worth more than that and she is too young to appreciate the qualities you had while you were with her.

Learn from your mistakes in the relationship and work on changing the things that you can..

My hands are hurting from all this typing so I can't say anymore but take care!!

By the way, she also said that she wanted to leave because she was afraid she might do something "bad". She's talked about her fear of her perceived lack of self-control. With her new circle of friends, she feels like she has to repay kindness in any way that will make the other person happy.

While this will be a dumb comment, I just want to get it off my chest: Why do nice guys who treat people with the utmost respect fail? I loved her with all my heart and she stabs me! Why even try anymore?
Unfortunately we all fall in love and hope it is THE LOVE we have fallen for. No matter how much of ourselves we put in it, the other person may not feel the same way. So of course when they leave, for whatever reason we go bonkers because we can't understand why the would leave after all we have given. What we need to accept, but seldom do, is they don't love us the same as we love them. No one wants to be dumped for whatever reason, rejection hurts like hell. But when people are not on the same page and have different ideas about the future a break-up is inevitable. We who are hurt take a long time to move on because it takes a long time to accept it. AS we grow and become more experienced we know how to better handle these situation because most of us go through many relationships before we find the one that is for us.

I need someone to tell me she's not coming back. I tell that to myself but it doesn't seem to be working.

Hi Buddy I am also going through a similar kind of situation.I still feel like I have lost something.But then I thought if she doesn't bother me then why should I.I have been sleepless for almost 2 months.still not able to forget her completely.But, It is a part of life,old things make way for new things.So always be hopeful

Hi there,

Your sitiation seems remarkably similar to mine...Now without going on about my situation, lets talk about yours.

You sound as if you are a caring, considerate man and had true feelings for her and the hurt must be unbearable, I know it is for me ove rmy ex. My ex said to me "I'm scared that if I stay with you any longer, I will cheat on you" A bit more direct but what she was basically saying was that I was her first real relationship. I met her when I was 23, she was 17. 3 Years on, she wanted to breakup, that was 2 months ago...Since then she has been going out with friends, having fun..I know this because I bumped into her brother and he told me that was what was going on..I have a feeling she wanted to experiment..

Now to your situation, she said to you she wanted out because she was afraid she would do something bad...This is very likely to mean cheating on you..Sorry if this hurts and I don't want to make it any worse for you but I think this is realistic.

Also, she obviously knows that you are too good to be cheated on, hence the fact that she has decided to walk before doing such a thing..So she must respect you..She knows you are good.

I think you can do better, I think I can do better than my ex...I know it does not help people saying that because until our hearts mend, it is hard to move on..

One thing you need to remember is that IF she did come back to you, (and I don't want to create false hope) would you be willing to accept that she wanted to "sow her wild oats" and then come back to you knowing full well what happened outside the relationship. If you could accept that, fair enough, after all she is now a free agent but don't be second best, don't be the doormat..Remember, you are worth more than that and she is too young to appreciate the qualities you had while you were with her.

Learn from your mistakes in the relationship and work on changing the things that you can..

My hands are hurting from all this typing so I can't say anymore but take care!!!!!!!!

I've read your post, and we are in quite a similar situation. While I wish both of us were with the ones we love, it's helpful to know that I'm not the only one going through this.

The day before, I came home from college for the weekend. I was really looking forward to seeing her. Usually she's very happy and calls me when I come home, wanting to see me right away. This time was different. I called her and asked her what's up, she then said she forgot, and seemed unnaturally distraught about it. I said don't worry about it. Then she told me that she worries about me, and that it's affecting her own social life. Again I said I'm fine, and to enjoy your friends.

When she came over later, she couldn't look me in the eye. She just looked like if you pushed her, she'd just fall over, unresponsively. I kept asking what's wrong but not really getting a straight answer. Then she wanted me to go with her! We had a good time, with me making jokes and her seemingly happy and smiling and laughing, When we were alone again, she clammed up, which really began to frustrate me, because I couldn't get her out of it. Then she left, leaving me puzzled.

If she knew she was leaving me, why come over? Why spend time with me? Why laugh and joke and kiss me, knowing all the while she couldn't stand me?

And all this happened when you broke up?? The day before??

I went on holiday with my ex a week before it happened. It all seemed fine, we even slept together (sorry if that's too much info) but I guess sleeping together does not mean one is happy.

Anyway, a week later, she goes out with her friend on a weekend, then calls me up on the Monday and tells me.

Take a look at my thread, loads of good advice from others + you can also compare the situation to gain insight. Wap has also got a good thread under still hurts topic.

Your ex probably had built up this breakup for some time, perhaps months because I believe mine did. You are way behind in the grieving process.

Do you want to know what mistake I think you made (please don't get hurt by this)
You were too available, a bit like I was, you lost your friends (I think, from what you say) and she became your world, she may have then thought that you were too needy and reliant on her...

Perhaps you need to work on these areas and become strong again. If she were to meet you again or contact you, you would have built a new, healthier you but by then you may have moved on and found better...

YES.. you put her on a pedistal, now it's time for you to be the man on the pedistal, with or without her...

You can learn from all this and maybe repair the damage but it may not be with her, it could be with someone else.. who knows?

I know it is hard, I find it really hard and after 3 years in a serious relationship, I don't think anyone would blame me and I certainly understand your pain. It is ONE of the hardest things we will have to deal with in life but things always happen for a reason...

I know she's found someone else, or at least has someone else in mind. She wouldn't leave me unless she was sure she could find another who could provide at least as much I provided for her.

Is this right? Or am I just completely wrong?

How do you know this? That she found someone else and if she has, how do you know he is in any way better than you?

It takes time to get to know what people are really like and she knows you well..

Even if she did have a new man in her life, he may not treat her with the same respect as you did.

I had some good advice from Chuff in my thread, I was questioning similar thoughts.. The truth is, my ex probably is dating other men because she was too young to appreciate me and had not been with anyone else. Chuff said, "who cares what she is doing", it is time to work on yourself!!

As long as she knows she has the power in that she can control when and if she comes back, you will never get her back and will never be free from this control.

It's only my opinion based on what I have been told!!

Be strong Blazingcold, If I can fight this, you can too!!

I think we all can, we just need a little guidance.

You said it yourself about how you need to be less dependent and keep on walking with your head held high. She obviously knows how to be independent without you and that is not a negative reflection on you. She cares about you and still loves you but she knows you have been just too needy and too dependent on her. Women want a man they feel that they can lean but isn't always there for them when they lean if you catch my drift.

You are 20 years old, in college you are suppose to be having fun. No on said you have to be vindictive. The key is to let her have fun and do what she wants. If you meant that much to her not many things will change those feelings. The more you push the more negative thoughts you will put in her head. Right now she feels pretty good about you except for the fact that it was just going too fast and too serious. So go away for awhile, make some new friends and just find things that you can do for fun. Sitting around and thinking about her will make it worse. Do things that you would do if she wasn't with you and that you enjoy doing.

After awhile you will start to feel better about yourself and then when you slowly creep back into her life not doing much, just short quick phone calls being very aloof and unavailsble she will see you don't have a non-existent social life and she knows you can be happy without her and that will make her want to be happy with her. But she is 18 so don't put all your eggs in a basket. Until in my opinion a women graduates college, she really most of the time aren't ready for serious relationships. Senior year is when it might start early, but they want to be free because women put everything into the relationship once married and while in college it is like their last chance to have fun without any sort of commitment. Why can't you look at it like that?

Think about it like this, how many of your good friend in elementary school did you stay with in middle school. Then middle school to high school, then high school to college. Not many as you think.

It is hard to stay in close contact with someone. Out of sight out of mind. You can give her a break without completely disappearing from her life.

She wants to have fun with these girls because a lot of times people break apart and go their separate ways. No regrets just keep on living your life and you find much more happiness with yourself and that will make it easier to be happy with another person without feeling the need to depend on them for everything.

Thanks for all the help Nohitter, what you say makes so much sense and I do believe it...

But today I feel like crap. I felt so good yesterday, like I was a new person. Now I'm filled with dread that she's never coming back. I want to see if it can work, with the changes I've committed to making to myself. I want to call her and pour my heart out, telling her I can change and that I want her back by my side.

There is nothing wrong with thinking that. But that is the main reason why the breakup is so much harder for men than it is for woman. You think when she goes out guys won't hit on her, they will you have to deal with it. It probably happened while you were going out. You need to move on for now and forget about her for awhile as hard as that sounds or she will never come back. After a while doing your own thing, try to talk again but if you go at it too soon all you will do is feel worse, cause she will be gone forever.

Just want to share something I remembered. The day we broke up, she came over to give a video game console I let her borrow. We ended up talking for almost 2 hours. She was very silent the whole time, just looking despondent while I was telling her how crappy she made me feel. Then she would hug me or put her head in my lap saying how she was crazy for believing she wasn't "madly in love with me". But when she had to go, she just said its over. I took my stuff , muttered that while I wanted to remain friends, I couldn't talk to her for a while, and didn't look back as she drove off.

WHY on earth are you bringing up negative things all the time?

Guys are supposed to be the fun guys. Make them laugh.

You sound like a big buzz kill.

I apologize for the negativity. This is where I come to let out my frustrations, as well as get feedback. I was a buzz kill, that's why I'm single now. But I promise you that if we met in person, I'm far from that now.

...But today I feel like crap. I felt so good yesterday, like I was a new person. Now I'm filled with dread that she's never coming back. I want to see if it can work, with the changes i've committed to making to myself. I want to call her and pour my heart out, telling her I can change and that I want her back by my side.

Why are you trying to change what's not broken? Being nice to someone means you're broken? Were you too nice to her, like lying down and being a doormat nice? If so, than, yes, tone that down, but honestly, I don't believe this is entirely why she left. This girl may have started this relationship with the right intentions but telling you that she was sick of you was just downright cruel. She's very young, and quite frankly, she may just be wanting to try different things, that unfortunately don't include you.

It doesn't sound like she's coming back.

So, if she doesn't, what does that mean? I'll tell you what it doesn't mean. It doesn't mean that you built a foundation for nothing, you built it for something. You had a relationship, you experienced life with her, you experienced love, even if it was brief. You can and will use these experiences and lessons in the future with other women, and they will serve you well.

Is there a chance for reconciliation? I guess anything is possible, but why would you want to? Do you truly believe there is no one better suited for you, someone who will be just as happy to see you if not more, someone with more maturity, someone kinder?

I had a first love too, we all did, most of us didn't marry them, there's a reason for that. They're almost a learning tool. Now that I'm older and wiser, thinking about what kind of guy he was, we would have never stayed married. Because I chose to let go and move on, I eventually met the man of my dreams, and I married him and had 3 beautiful babies. That could have never happened to me if I chose to look in the rear view mirror for the rest of my life asking "what if...".

I have nothing else to add except you have got good things coming, keep positive, don't worry about the 'if' she will come back... Actually you know what, I am in the same boat and I really am going to need to let go of hope and look forward to someone better coming into my life...

And you will move on too, and that is a great thing...

Read the last post before this one, it is very useful for YOU and others but take notice of it...

The worry whether she's coming back fades every day. However, I'm worried about the future. She was too special to me to just cast her out of my life forever. I want to be there for her like a good friend should be, but I don't want to feel this way again if she bolts on me for still having feelings for her.

This is quite confusing.

The worry whether or not she's coming back fades every day. However, I'm worried about the future. She was too special to me to just cast her out of my life forever. I want to be there for her like a good friend should be, but I don't want to feel this way again if she bolts on me for still having feelings for her.

This is quite confusing.

She has cast you out of her life and you need to do that until she says she wants you to be part of her life again... I am sure she knows you will be there for her but no way can you be a good friend at this point. Not until the feelings go away but by the time they do go away, you may feel differently.

I thought my ex was special, but she used me and left me to experiment, I am certain of that, and while one day, she will realise, I will have moved on. I was deluded by thining she was special, ignoring the signs that I was in an unhealthy relationship with someone so young.

Sometimes we make people out to be special when in fact, we just want to believe that this is true because of the feeling we have, we ignore the bad things and only think about the good... Especially in a break-up. We only think about the good times, not the bad.

I can't say if she is special or not (your ex) because I don't know her so I am just giving you my perspective..

What is a buzz kill?

Never heard that term before.

A buzz kill is someone or something that brings down a good mood or feeling.

We really do have things in common, as she left also to see what life was like without me (I think). She'll always be special to me, but how special is the question

I seriously contemplated leaving her during the summer, as I felt smothered by her wanting to be around me all the time. Leaving for school put some space between us, making me see how important to me she really was.

And it really hurts doesn't it to know, or have an idea in your head that your ex could be dating someone else, I know that this is how I feel.

I am having to accept that she probably is seeing other men. It kills to think like that but I guess that is part of the acceptance stage.

What we have to do is try to overcome the feeling that we were somehow not good enough or did something wrong..

Yes, I'm sure we both did do something wrong, we were too available to our ex's and therefore this is the wrong ingrediant for a successful relationship.. This does not make us bad or unhealthy but it does make the relationship bad and unhealthy..

I remember the best times I had with my ex was when we both had our own friends and did not spend too much time together then we both got lost in the relationship, lost our friends and spent too much time together. Now I am the one left behind, feeling alone and an overwhelming sense of personal rejection while she has found comfort in an old friend who is now introducing her to the single life she felt she lost..

Until she has lived her single life and experimented, there really is no way she could be with me but there is no point in waiting.. She really does think I am doing this (I'm sure)

And I think your ex thinks that too... that you are waiting, which you are but you won't be forever and you need to fight the thoughts of getting her back!

I'm not sure if you believe in fate, but if it is meant to be, it will be! And if it is not meant to be , it is not your fault.

I've just rambled again!

I think people kind of forgot/omit the bad - I mean, this person bailed on you for wha tever reason. Maybe you pushed them away big time, but they did leave.

I'd work on myself and figure out the bad and correct it going gforward.

Time will tell if you'll ever be friends, so don't worry about that, moving forward without her is what's important.

It's been 2 weeks now, neither of us have contacted the other. I'm pissed that she could treat me this way, but I take it all as a learning experience. I'm getting to the point where I don't care if she calls again or not. This world is full of people, and I'll find someone who is better than her in every way.

Hi Blazingcold,

Nice to hear from you again.

Well, you are going through the right processes, from your most recent post, you are experiencing anger which is one of the stages of grief... Believe me, it is going to switch to and fro from anger and also sadness, and this will probably last for quite some time. I am 10 weeks post breakup and 5 weeks with no contact whatsoever.

I still get the anger and sadness but I find that acceptance of the fact that I will probably never hear from her again is creeping in slowly and the feelings of anger and sadness are becoming less frequent.

You have every right to feel the feelings you do and you are going through a process. Once more time has passed, you will begin to accept that she has her life now and you have your life and you will find comfort in knowing that you can move on learning a great deal from thnis experience.

I keep telling myself, MY EX WILL NEVER BE BACK because no contact is about improving you, it is not to be a subconscious step to be taken in the hope that No Contact will bring her back. I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but I was thinking like this and it just delivers more pain. It is unlikely she will be back.

Once you can accept this, you can begin to move on and the feelings of anger and sadness will slowly turn into acceptance of the situation.

I am not there yet Blazingcold, but I am making progress and it is all still quite fresh for you so you take your time, just let the process flow along but PLEASE, NO CONTACT!! It really does help you heal! I can't believe how right everyone is on this forum. If I had not listened to the advice I have been given, I would still be stuck in Day 1.

Sorry to bang on in here, hope this helps you!!

Any serious relationship that ends is a guarantee that the person will ride the rough rapids of grief -- anger, fear, sorrow, a little craziness, shock, denial, bargaining are all part of that process as we humans work our way toward acceptance and then understanding. And while anyone is in that process they are a little more fragile than usual and capable of poor decisions-- which is why they need friends and family but no contact with the ex and no replacement/rebound connections either. They need safe shelter until they heal and emerge stronger and hopefully wiser for it. Time takes time but if you yield willingly to this process and keep yourself safe while maintaining an open mind, what waits for you on the other side is really worth it. I promise. You may find awareness and wisdom that might be worth the pain and might make for an entirely different kind of relationship with an entirely better suited for you person the next time. The trick is to hang onto the lesson while letting the hurt run like sand through your fingers. From the nature of your posts here, Blaze, you sound very capable for this, too.

Perfect.

I thank you all for the all of the positive reinforcement. Without you all, I don't know how I I would have dealt with this. However, it still feels like she gets the last laugh. She gets to go off and be with every guy she wants to, while I'm left to sort through this, without any definitive answers from her. That doesn't seem right.

Don't worry about her however if this is her behaviour then in the long run it will be you who has the laugh last. Because you will come out the other side of this a much healthier, happier and wiser person. Where as she, well she will have probably learnt nothing, be less happy and downright unhealthy if she chooses to live this tyle of life.

Trust me, right now it might sound like it is great for her but one day it will catch up with her and it won't seem so great to her then.

So concentrate on you. Don't worry about answers. They don't give you anything other then perhaps more pain. The answers I think you want aren't the answers you will get. So don't look for them

Rather just look at yourself and how you can keep moving forward towards that happy and healthy person I'm talking about!

I thank you all for the all of the positive reinforcement. Without you all, I don't know how I I would have dealt with this. However, it still feels like she gets the last laugh. She gets to go off and be with every guy she wants to, while I'm left to sort through this, without any definitive answers from her. That doesn't seem right.
There is nothing to sort out, and you need nothing from her, that's the frustration talking. The truth is you are free to pursue your own happiness. If you leave her alone, then you get the last laugh by building a life you enjoy and as the anger and frustration have faded you're a healthy person with a healthy happy life. What more could you ask for.

The answers i think you want arent the answers you will get. So dont look for them


Because I'm a curious type, what are the answers I want, and I what would be the answers I would get?

Correct me if I'm wrong but you most probably right now want to hear that she still loves you, and will always love but right now just wants to be alone.

You want her to tell you that she is not interested in other people and that if given time to find herself she will come back to you and you will pick up where you left off.

That your love was so special that it could never be just forgotten.

Im not criticising you either. I suppose I'm just presuming your feeling like I did and how I see many others who come here feel.

They / we say they want answers. We want to know why. But the truth of the matter is there isn't really a why.

The only reason / answer you need is that your partner wanted out and that is exactly what they'll get.

What they do from that point on and why they do it isn't your problem from the moment they tell you your gone.

Its sad and it hurts oh so much but knowing why won't really help. Probing and searching for answers out of her won't bring her back.

Maybe I am wrong but I too said the same things. Definitive answers is what you want. Well to be blunt (but not trying be rude) you have the most definitive answer you need. She's gone and doesn't want you anymore. Need you know anymore??

Will knowing anymore help you on your recovery path. Deep down I think you know the answer is no.

Hence we all stress to focus on what you can control and that's you and your actions. It certainly isn't hers!

I thank you all for the all of the positive reinforcement. Without you all, I don't know how I I would have dealt with this. However, it still feels like she gets the last laugh. She gets to go off and be with every guy she wants to, while I'm left to sort through this, without any definitive answers from her. That doesn't seem right.
You are, by the way, comparing her outsides with your insides-- which is at best never a fair match and at worst bad science. Tut tut! Besides if it were true, anyone who can shrug it off that easy hits me as pretty shallow with their sentiments or calloused enough to be considered poor material for a real relationship. So I say laugh all the way to the Emotional I.Q. Bank and make yourself a big deposit Blaze! You are being real... and that counts quite a bit in my book.

Dont worry about her however if this is her behaviour then in the long run it will be you who has the laugh last. Because you will come out the other side of this a much healthier, happier and wiser person. Where as she, well she will have probably learnt nothing, be less happy and downright unhealthy if she chooses to live this tyle of life.

Very true,

She will probably have her regrets in time but by the time that comes, you won't want her back. It is imortant however to not dwell on what she is going to regret because what she regrets has nothing to do with your recovery which is what yuou need to work on.

I woke up last night in a bit of a panic, had this really lonely feeling inside without my ex there by my side... Don't know where it came from, really intense then it just went when I realised where I was.>>REALITY... She is gone..

As time passes you will feel these moments, but you will get through them and be stronger. There is no point in searching for answers! You won't get any from her, she want you far away at the moment and sorry if that hurts but it's true. This is why she has not contacted you and why she won't be.

You need to face up to the fact that she is gone and it is over and your journey now is all about you and your life and your future.. Without her!

I agree with Val, she is like my ex, she shrugged you off in a mere few days and was callous and emotionally immature. I expect the thoughts were growing in her brain for some time. She is not worth your tears.

Believe me I know you hurt (I REALLY KNOW!! ) but you need to realise that she is probably off having fun while you are alone questioning her motivations or questioning what she is thinking or feeling. The biggest question you are asking yourself is: "Will she be back" and "When". It is not until you realise that this relationship is over that you will begin to accept it and move on.

Blazingcold... I am not saying it is impossible that she will ever change her mind and come back but hanging on to hope is not going to help you. I wish I could be back with my ex and everything could be like before but it won't happen, she is gone.

To me it sounds like you are an emotionally intelligent person and you will make the right woman happy and she will appreciate you for who you are. This girl was too young to be committed to a serious relationship with an emotionally mature man! Look at it this way, she did you a favour! Now you can move on and find someone who deserves your love.

Sorry again for the long post!

Correct me if im wrong but you most probably right now want to hear that she still loves you, and will always love but right now just wants to be alone.

I'm pretty sure she still loves me, and I wouldn't mind to hear it, but I wouldn't be surprised if she said that she never actually loved me, just because we moved "too fast"


You want her to tell you that she is not interested in other people and that if given time to find herself she will come back to you and you will pick up where you left off.

I know for a fact she's interested in other people, that why she left. She felt she couldn't fully experience college life with me weighing her down. So she says "I don't want a relationship with anyone", thinking that she's doing a favor to me by walking away. She tells me that she has always been a "shallow" person, and that by leaving now, she'll avoid cheating on me, and sparing me even more pain.


That your love was so special that it could never be just forgotten.

I'd like to think my love is that special, but I don't know how she feels about me anymore. I do know how I feel about her, though: I do love her and I always will, but it would have to be a cold day in hell before I take back someone who could leave someone who she told "loved like no one else before" but then leaves to jump on the next guy who tickles her fancy.


Im not criticising you either. i suppose im just presuming your feeling like i did and how i see many others who come here feel.

they / we say they want answers. we want to know why. But the truth of the matter is there isnt really a why.

The only reason / answer you need is that your partner wanted out and that is exactly what they'll get.

what they do from that point on and why they do it isnt your problem from the moment they tell you your gone.

its sad and it hurts oh so much but knowing why wont really help. Probing and searching for answers out of her wont bring her back.

Maybe i am wrong but i too said the same things. Definitive answers is what you want. Well to be blunt (but not trying be rude) you have the most definitive answer you need. She's gone and doesnt want you anymore. Need you know anymore???

Will knowing anymore help you on your recovery path. Deep down i think you know the answer is no.

Hence we all stress to focus on what you can control and thats you and your actions. It certainly isnt hers!

Thanks for the pep talk. I didn't want to get answers just to get her back, just to see if the reasons I think she left were correct. From talking to you and others on this site, I think they are. I've always had a fear of rejection(that led to me not getting my first girlfriend (her) until I was almost 19), that's why I clung to her so hard, thinking that if I put her on high enough of a pedestal, she couldn't possibly leave (I wasn't doing this purposefully, just now I realize how my actions were received). Despite that, I treated her like a woman and loved every second we were together. Does that mean I deserve to be tossed aside like an old toy for something new and shiny? However, she did what she felt she had to do, and there is nothing I can do to change her mind. Moreover, I don't think I really want to anymore. Her leaving has broken the shield that has been around me for so many years that has prevented me from forming relationships on any level due to fear of rejection. She's forced me to be a better person, and for that I thank her. I'll never forget her, but I now look forward to my next love, instead of dwelling on ones that are over.

[/endrant]

Its amazing to me Blaze, how it seems that we get what we fear all so we may learn not to fear it LOL. At least it seems like that to me. Now you know that rejection is a survivable event -- a very very valuable lesson. Congrats on learning it so well.

However, she did what she felt she had to do, and there is nothing I can do to change her mind. Moreover, I don't think I really want to anymore. Her leaving has broken the shield that has been around me for so many years that has prevented me from forming relationships on any level due to fear of rejection. She's forced me to be a better person, and for that I thank her. I'll never forget her, but I now look forward to my next love, instead of dwelling on ones that are over.
[/endrant]

This is the way to go!

Its amazing to me Blaze, how it seems that we get what we fear all so we may learn not to fear it LOL. At least it seems like that to me. Now you know that rejection is a survivable event -- a very very valuable lesson. Congrats on learning it so well.

Yeah, that's pretty ironic. It's nice to actually get over it, but I wouldn't have minded for it to happen a different way. But I guess this is for the best. It's cool that people think I'm emotionally mature, as I always thought I was retarded in some way due to my lack of any social life for so long.

Acceptance is half the battle so your farther ahead than you know. Your attitude will carry you far.

Yeah, that's pretty ironic. It's nice to actually get over it, but I wouldn't have minded for it to happen a different way. But I guess this is for the best. It's cool that people think I'm emotionally mature, as I always thought I was retarded in some way due to my lack of any social life for so long.


Your lack of social life probably has more to do with your fear of rejection and having this shield you speak of surrounding you for most of your life. I am not a psychologist but relate to what you are saying since, I have gone through periods in my life where I chose not to keep close to friends because I was scared that I would be rejected so rather than get hurt, I would push them away before they could do it to me. As I got older, I learned that you need to take a chance and open up.

Just because you have lack of social life, it does not mean you are emotionally retarded, it has more to do with confidence and your fear of rejection. The fact that you recognise these fears and feel the things that you do shows the emotional maturity and the ability to make positive changes in your life.

I think you have pointed out something which can really help you move forward... You need to make some new friends... Feel the fear and go for it. You have got a lot to say and can make good, stimulating conversation... Boring? You are not boring, except to those who are not worth a second of your time! Believe this if you believe nothing else I say!

Also..

Can I ask, do you have a gym membership, if not, Chuff gave me some good avice to get one. I have not personally done this yet but have started running daily and lifting weights at home. Eventually, I am going to get back to the gym and work on myself.

It will build your confidence + you will meet new people. It will also take your mind off your current situation.

If you are already doing this then great, just keep it up!

Also,

If you drink alcohol, try to lay off this for a while. It really does not help. Unfortunately, I did this for the first 4 weeks and it made me worse and probably accounted for many of the times I contacted my ex in the first few weeks. While I did not do this while I was under the influence, it made me feel more depressed and encouraged me to send her an e-mail or two... BAD NEWS!

Not saying this is what you are doing but if you do drink, now is the time to cut back!

Positive things like exercise.. I know you know this anyway but it is good to remind!

And it helps me to remind myself too! LOL

Blazing,

You are headed in a very healthy direction and are going great.

I didn't mean to assume anything, I was merely just relating what you went through to myself and others and the feelings and emotions you seemed to be portraying in your posts were very consistent to what everyone seems to go through.

But as tal said your attitude is great and will help you no end to completely get over her.

I know you didn't, just curious on what you thought I wanted to hear.

I think my problem is the type of girl I like. She's not your typical girl, and that excites me to no end. Other girls seem "boring" in comparison to her. I think of her personality and it was like it was heaven-sent, just for me. She was everything I could have ever wanted. I think I need to change who I'm attracted to in order to not be sucked into another abyss of depression and anger. But how can I change something like that?

I know you didn't, just curious on what you thought I wanted to hear.

I think my problem is the type of girl I like. She's not your typical girl, and that excites me to no end. Other girls seem "boring" in comparison to her. I think of her personality and it was like it was heaven-sent, just for me. She was everything I could have ever wanted. I think I need to change who I'm attracted to in order to not be sucked into another abyss of depression and anger. But how can I change something like that?


I don't think you can change who you are attracted to can you?

It just happens. Maybe she was right for you but you met her at the wrong time in life..

I don't think you can change who you are attracted to can you?

It just happens. Maybe she was right for you but you met her at the wrong time in life..

That makes perfect sense, but I think I did meet her at the right time, but we weren't meant to be together. She's opened my eyes to a lot of things, as well as forced me to change my outlook on my life and people in general. Life itself seems strangely more interesting now that she left. I really do believe that this was for the best, as I'm thinking in ways I haven't before. My anger has all but disappeared, replaced mostly with a feeling of appreciation for making me the person I've always wanted to be, but never thought I could.

I know that a relationship is not the best option between the two of us right now. But she was still apart of my life like no one else has been, and I would be saddened to have her leave my life completely. How can I see if she wants to have a friendship? Is this a good idea?

That makes perfect sense, but I think I did meet her at the right time, but we weren't meant to be together. She's opened my eyes to a lot of things, as well as forced me to change my outlook on my life and people in general. Life itself seems strangely more interesting now that she left. I really do believe that this was for the best, as I'm thinking in ways I haven't before. My anger has all but disappeared, replaced mostly with a feeling of appreciation for making me the person I've always wanted to be, but never thought I could.

I know that a relationship is not the best option between the two of us right now. But she was still apart of my life like no one else has been, and I would be saddened to have her leave my life completely. How can I see if she wants to have a friendship? Is this a good idea?

There is a danger here Blaze. I think it is too early to think of friendship at this point.

From what you have said about your feelings for having her take this important position in your life, I would be inclined to say that you would be fooling yourself if you felt that you could walk into a friendship with her so soon with this kind of background without feeling anything more. You would soon slip back into the feelings you had for her before. I am not saying friendship is impossible, and while I think it is dangerous territory, it is good that you feel you can reach a point where you can reconcile in this way.

I don't think you should let her know at this stage that you want JUST friendship and put any pressure on her at this stage to consider this since she will feel that you are trying to WIN her back by creating this attachment again.

I know my ex won't give me the time of day at the moment and if you read my thread which I think you have, it was her who wanted out to regain the single life. If I were to contact her now and ask for friendship after 10/11 weeks, she would not go for that. I don't believe I could be a friend to my ex while I am still in love with her and have these feelings for her. It hurts to be around someone who cannot reciprocate the feelings you have for them.

Give it more time before contacting her.. How long has it been? Not very long for you I don't think, judging by your posts. I think you are making positive steps in the way that you are thinking but I do also believe you are moving a bit fast and you need to sort through your feelings.

No doubt you are grateful in a way because you are becoming a stronger person and will look back on this as a great learning experience but just forget about the friendship with her for now, just until you are ready and of course, until SHE is ready also.

I hope I have helped you here. You are coming along fine. There will be more ups and downs but you will get through it all!

No doubt you will give us some more updates on your progress!

How can I see if she wants to have a friendship? Is this a good idea?
I have seen very very few people pull that off and I have been watching closely. Even divorced parents with the motivation of child rearing don't manage it. At best, most people seem to create an awkward truce.

You might want to look at your motive to this too. To expand on what Geoff said, if this is you waiting for her to turn back into girlfriend material then its no good, dude.

The thing I have found about letting people go (and I have had to let go of many, painful each time too) is that had I hung onto them out of sheer stubbornness, the next one coming along would not have arrived because there wasn't room for them. So think about this... there are just tons of girls out there... some of which are suitable for you... a few of which will do amazing things to you and for you. In sort of Yoda language LOL If you stand waiting at closed door staring, then door that opens you see not. See?

I know that a relationship is not the best option between the two of us right now. But she was still apart of my life like no one else has been, and I would be saddened to have her leave my life completely. How can I see if she wants to have a friendship? Is this a good idea?

If you still feel the same after going through the grieving process I would say go for it. To hold out hope now would only stop this process from working. You can only stop yourself from being healthy again by not accepting the fact she is gone.

If you still feel the same after going thru the grieving process I would say go for it. To hold out hope now would only stop this process from working. You can only stop yourself from being healthy again by not accepting the fact she is gone.

Does that mean you think I still have grieving to do? I know I'll never have her as a girlfriend again, moreover, I don't want to anymore. But she is still a fun person to be around, and I would like to remain on good terms with her. She hasn't spoken to me since the break up. I don't really know why. Is seeing if she is ready to have a friendship a good course of action?

Does that mean you think I still have grieving to do? I know I'll never have her as a girlfriend again, moreover, I don't want to anymore. But she is still a fun person to be around, and I would like to remain on good terms with her. She hasn't spoken to me since the break up. I don't really know why. Is seeing if she is ready to have a friendship a good course of action?
LOL Okay, let's say for the sake of argument you are done with grieving (highly unlikely but possible) and that she is also (again ditto) and that you two manage to forge a great friendship. Now fast forward to next month when you meet someone even more fantastic than her (I say next month since it fits your fantasy time frame, not necessarily reality, okay?) and you are introducing new love to your new friend, your old ex...

You have a history??

And she left you when??

And you don't still have feelings for her??

Or let's say for the sake of argument new love is unbelievably openminded and says to your new friend, your old ex... "Ooooh, we have to do lunch....."

Or to really kick it up a notch, let's say your old ex introduces you to a new girlfriend of hers and you fall instantly in love with her

Or look in the mirror and ask yourself just how many boundaries are you going to run roughshod over or better yet, when are you going to start living in reality?

Does that mean you think I still have grieving to do? I know I'll never have her as a girlfriend again, moreover, I don't want to anymore. But she is still a fun person to be around, and I would like to remain on good terms with her. She hasn't spoken to me since the break up. I don't really know why. Is seeing if she is ready to have a friendship a good course of action?

You have buried your feelings from yourself and are using your denial to this break-up to justify seeing your ex under the guise of friendship. Lets be clear you can BS yourself into anything you want and a lot of people do. But I know better and after reading your posts and the reactions you have given there is no way You can BS anyone here who has been through the SAME thing you are going through. You have been going through this emotional roller coaster since this break -up and have much, much more to do sorry that's just the way it is, so accept it and keep working on NO CONTACT.

Yes,

You may be looking at months but it has only been a few weeks for you if my calculation is correct. I know it is not a competition to see who has been grieving the longest but there is a good point here in that time helps put things into better perspective.

Like tal points out, you may be slipping into a period of denial and using this to justify your wish to hold onto a friendship with her with the secret hope that you will get her back as more than a friend.

You need to re-read all your posts and responses.

I did this on my own thread, when I begin to slip back slightly, I go back and read what people have told me. People on here give advice for a reason. To help you.

To answer your question to tal (from my point of view):
Does that mean you think I still have grieving to do?


Yes, I would be willing to place a good bet that you still have some way to go in the grieving process.. I know I do, and I know you are different to me and we all have different coping levels but judging by your recent responses, I just think you are going up and down through the various stages of grief, such as anger, DENIAL, sadness, a feeling of acceptance of the situation but not quite.

It all takes time...

It all takes time...

The fact that I don't agree with any of you mens that you are all right. Maybe I'm in such a deep denial that I don't even know it. When it comes to situations like these, I trust all of you more than I do myself. I'll hold off on the contact, giving me a chance to think it over.

I think my worst fear is to know that she wants nothing more to do with me, in any way. Maybe I want a friendship to prove to myself (not to her) that what we had meant something and she values me.

Man, I'm really messed up.

The fact that I don't agree with any of you mens that you are all right. Maybe I'm in such a deep denial that I don't even know it. When it comes to situations like these, I trust all of you more than I do myself. I'll hold off on the contact, giving me a chance to think it over.

I think my worst fear is to know that she wants nothing more to do with me, in any way. Maybe I want a friendship to prove to myself (not to her) that what we had meant something and she values me.

Man, I'm really messed up.

Man, I know what your feeling, I really do!!

Firstly, Denial by it's very nature is a defense mechanism that not only clouds your judgement but forces you to reject the reality of a situation. I'm afraid that if you are in denial, then you will not for the most part be aware of it at this stage.

Secondly, it is perfectly normal for you to fear that she wants nothing more to do with you and I understand this only too well.

Wanting friendship to prove to yourself that what you both had meant something and that she values you is not going to work.

You have nothing to prove to yourself. Why do you need to prove to yourself that what you had meant something? It meant something but if there is any truth in the fact that it possibly did not mean anything to her, then is she really worth it?

Ask yourself these questions.

You have put her on a pedestal like I did with my ex.. She's not perfect, she has her flaws and she walked out on you remember?

I am not slating her but trying to get you to view all this in a different way.

You need to stop beating yourself up. I've done exactly what you are doing, still do, but I am getting better and stronger as each day passes. Believe me, I was F***ed up for weeks (sorry for the language) and I was out getting drunk, in a right mess but I have learnt that this is not the way to heal. I stopped, I came here for help and I got it!!

I started leaning on my friends and family, I have started running again, started retraining for a different career. Don't get me wrong, I am no way fully healed and would not make such a claim but it does get better...

TRUST ME ON THIS...

Where does that leave you?

Well I'll tell you.. It leaves you with two choices.

1.) You can continue hurting yourself, questioning yourself, questioning her and above all hoping that she will come back.

Or..

2.) You can make some positive steps to begin your healing by forgetting the concept of friendship with her, begin making a new life for yourself, realise that you will find true love again. Start thinking of YOU & YOU only, get busy doing other things, perhaps go out and talk to new women, I mean not in a view to spark a new relationship but just talk to them. I've been doing that, I have been to a couple of parties, talked to a few women in a very casual way, nothing serious but it does help. Go to the gym, or start running or take up an old or new hobby. Go to the pub and have a few games of pool with some friends or join a club and make new friends. Whatever is right for you and for your progress. You have already mentioned you feel grateful for what has happened.

NOW BE GRATEFUL FOR YOUR FREEDOM (even though you would have preferred not to have it) - - THE FREEDOM TO LIVE FOR YOU AND FOR No one ELSE!

I find adding comments to your thread really interesting because I can identify so much (like Skell and Chuff did with mine) just what you are going through... And you will reach this point too!

In time..

I think the friend thing for you would be an underlining way to get her back - it never works - even if she said she would be friend.

I bet $1 million you would go ape sh-- if she started seeing another guy. It would hurt a ton for you.

Don't do it.

Just leave her alone for now. It's the best way.

The fact that I don't agree with any of you means that you are all right. Maybe I'm in such a deep denial that I don't even know it. When it comes to situations like these, I trust all of you more than I do myself. I'll hold off on the contact, giving me a chance to think it over.
Well you at least are doing a very right thing trusting others right now and its okay, people in denial don't know they are until they wake up, Blaze. Denial = don't even notice I am lying (to myself)


I think my worst fear is to know that she wants nothing more to do with me, in any way. Maybe I want a friendship to prove to myself (not to her) that what we had meant something and she values me.
I pasted this poem on one of the girl's threads here... forgive me if its kind of girly but its applicable here too.

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans. And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong, and you really have worth.
And you learn and you learn with every goodbye, you learn.


Man, I'm really messed up.Yeah, its okay, we all are when we're left like that. Take it easy on yourself and it will get better, you will not always feel like you do right now.

Blaze, denial = don't even notice I am lying (to myself)

That was great.. Never seen this one before Val..

That was great.. Never seen this one before Val..

Val is known for coming up with gems.

Man, I'm really messed up.


Yes you are but its not permanent, I have a feeling you will get better.

I may be messed up in the way you suggest, but I meant another way. The only way it seems to get out of what I'm feeling is to change the type of girl I like. I've always wanted to have a "hard luck" type of girl. I don't really know why, maybe its my nice guy personality at its worst. I know now that relationships like this end in pain, but it like other types are boring. I don't get that strange sense of self-satisfaction when I think of being with someone else.

Why am I attracted to people like this? Why, despite her leaving me, I have a feeling that if she said the right things, I'd welcome her back with open arms.

You are all right, I'm nowhere near done with this. I know questions like this I should just ignore, but I just have to know. I question everything now.

I may be messed up in the way you suggest, but I meant another way. The only way it seems to get out of what I'm feeling is to change the type of girl I like. I've always wanted to have a "hard luck" type of girl.


Hi Blaze,

May I just ask what a "hard luck" type of girl is?

I think I know what you mean by this but need some clarification.

I think the friend thing for you would be an underlining way to get her back - it never works - even if she said she would be friend.

I bet $1 million you would go ape sh-- if she started seeing another guy. It would hurt a ton for you.

Don't do it.

Just leave her alone for now. It's the best way.

I agree with this advice too blaze. Friendship now and maybe even in the future would be a bad move considering the above.

I know I could not do it. I don't think friendships work with ex's. I have seen it happen before but there is usually tension when the ex starts seeing someone else.

An example would be a friend of mine, he split up with his ex (mutually might I add) after a 4 year relationship together. After 6 months, they tried the friendship thing. Well she found a new man and I can tell you, I could smell the tension on the air.. So he stopped being that friend because it was hurting him too much.

Even when the breakup is mutual, there are still feelings there.

Your breakup was not mutual, therefore it would be even worse I would think.

Hey balzing,

Been away for a day or two so just catching up on the developments.

Blazing, you have great advice here. Again, as I have told you before, I see so much in your posts that remind you of me. Remember the other day I suggested to you what I thought you wanted to hear from your ex?

Well you have just said it above. You want her back and would welcome her back with open arms.

You have a lot of grieving to do my friend. A real lot. Lots of emotions up and down. Times when you feel like you do now. Time when you feel like you did last week when you thought you were completely over her.

Nothing can stop it. Nothing can change it.

But you can help it be as easy as possible on you. And the best way to do that is continue down the path you have taken until now. No contact.

As Tal said. Wanting to be friends with her is an excuse for you try and get her back. You don't really want to just be her friend do you?

You were never going to be able to get away with the lying to us. You can convince yourself and lie to yourself all you like, but us, no way. We will see straight through it. You know why? Because we have done the same thing. Lied to ourselves. I did it. Geoff did it only a couple of weeks ago. We have all done it, so it easy for us to see when someone else is.

So you aren't out of the ordinary for going through a period of denial. Its part of the process.

But just try not to let your denial lead you to doing things that will harm your process. Keep posting here and hopefully we can catch you lying to yourself some more and maybe we will be able to give you a little dose of reality that wakes you up. Just like has happened here over the course of the last day or two!

Being the 'nice guy' and trying to be friends doesn't work. I truly believe you want her back and friending will only make it worse. You come across weak!

"Why, despite her leaving me, I have a feeling that if she said the right things, I'd welcome her back with open arms." - absolutely do not do the friend thing then.

Lwave her alone. Disappear for awhile.

This wasn't so hard last week. But that's the way things are in situations like this, I guess. Everyone here is right about me wanting her back, but it doesn't feel like I want her back. I guess I've been in denial for so long (about a good many things), I can't see it without help. I'll hold to the no contact, though I feel she'll forget about me rather than miss me. In time, I hope this feeling will go away.

I am fully aware about being the "nice guy", though. Never again will I be like that. It was a real eye-opener to see that the way I was acting was so counterproductive to what I wanted. Already I feel more confident, and I look at the world much differently now.

If she is such a person that can forget about someone she supposedly loved then you have to wonder whether it was ever love at all...

And if it wasn't love then you haven't really lost much at all!

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talaniman agrees: You missed your calling, you should have been a philosopher, Confucious couldn't have put it better!


Thanks Tal. Haha

Some people have told me I missed my calling and that I should have been a... (insert almost any job here)

But never a philosopher.

Haha

Sometimes I feel a little more like 'Confusedious'

I am fully aware about being the "nice guy", though. Never again will I be like that. It was a real eye-opener to see that the way I was acting was so counterproductive to what I wanted. Already I feel more confident, and I look at the world much differently now.

Hi Blaze,

There is niothing wrong with you being a "nice Guy". That is a good thing!! There is however a difference between being a good man and a nice man. I do understand where you are coming from here. The thing is, you cannot change who you are and don't blame yourself too much for this relationship not working. I'm sure there were things that you did wrong like the rest of us.

You need to find someone who can appreciate you for who YOU are and not what they want you to be. It concerned me a bit when you said "never again will I be like that". If you are talking about changing your approach by not being so needy and available, then, yes this is a positive step. If you are talking about trying to change your personality to increase the desires of others, then this is not good and will simply not work. You are who you are. Like I say, there is nothing wrong with who you are. If there were more "nice" people in the world, then it would be a much better place to live in.

What I say is be happy with who you are, get busy living and the right woman will come along who can appreciate you for who you are and who you really want to be.

Take it easy Blaze..

If there were more "nice" people in the world, then it would be a much better place to live in.
Say that again, please Geoff. I would like to make a billboard ten feet tall with that on it! There is a way to mix nice with powerful. People get the erroneous impression that nice equates to weak and even worse that bad equates to powerful. Rubbish!! I can personally testify that there exists a nice so powerful, it blows the ill intentions of others out of the water. But it takes knowing who people are, and knowing who you are to pull it off. It takes beefing up personal integrity and compassion both, in almost equal proportions. It requires that you be as nice to you as you are others, and when that conflicts, finding the truth in the conflict, regardless of who that benefits.

OH Sooooooooooooo TRUE. Knowing yourself and loving yourself gives you the power to know and love others.

Me and my first love broke up about 2 days ago. Her name is Megan (she is 17 I am 18) and we were in really love with each other. We helped each other with our demons(she had been sexual assaulted and me beaten in our past). We spend almost all our time together (everyday after school) and most all weekends. We had been doing this for almost 1 year. I had truly fell in love with her and gave up my virginity. And when we were together we said intimate I love you's and played around, we almost never fought.

Over the past week things have just fallen apart right in front of me. Her mom has gotten in her head and will not let us be together. And I have no classes with her. She began to say that she was getting tired of her mother and sisters constant "break up with him" yelling.

On Tuesday she hands me a note in the hall. It basically says we need to take a break and that she had been thinking about this for a while. I was heart broken... I wrote her a note saying that if she wants a break OK, but I truly had loved her and If we broke up I don't think we could ever get back together (that was more a bluff than truth). She wrote me back a letter and gave it to me at lunch. It basically said that she was hurt badly by the use of the phrase "I loved you". I heard she started crying in class when she read it. So I ask her to come with me and skip the rest of the day. When we got alone in the car we started taking and we decided to stay together and not let anyone separate us. She said she wanted to run away and everything.

Then the next day was wed. and we got through the end of the day and decided to spend the day together. When we got to my home, I ask her what she thought when she looked at me. She sat their and thought for a moment and said "that I love you". Then her mom called... she said she was coming to pick her up right away. I was really hurt and I ask her to fight to stay here, she said she would try but she didn't want to fight. Her mom and her argued for about two minutes and then she said she had to go. But she wasn't crying or anything. I ask her to but she said her mom wouldn't care. I thought about her constantly for about 2 hour and called her at about 7 p.m.

Then she said something I never thought she would say "I think we need to break up". I started to get upset (crying a little) and then she started too. She said that she had never done this to a boy(great). I had ask here why and she says that she I don't love as much as I used to. That hurt so much. She started to say that I was too controlling and she just never told me. I am a kind of person who will change for someone I love. And I thought "if she just gave me one more shot".Then she goes "but I still love you and I want to be friends". "Odviously not" I said, then she started to really cry hard. Mind you this all happened in less than 26 hours. I said "Goodbye Megan" and she started crying as I hung up.

I started crying and thought why am I doing this? I waited for about two hour and called her back. And she had fallen asleep but her sister woke her up. I ask her if we could just go back to the break, and just dating and that I was so sorry for being controlling. She said OK if I can get a friend to go on a double date the next day.Later I sat in my room and thought what a terrible idea it was to do this double date, if she didn't want to see me fine I thought.

I stayed home on thur. and so did she oddly enough. I guess she thought it was a bad idea too. I called her and basically said that I think we should break up too(I read a note over the phone I wrote the night before). In my heart I just wanted things to go back to the way they were. I wanted to just be together with her alone for a hour.

Now today(friday) rolls around. I give her the note I wrote (It basically said you were my first real love) and her ring she gave me. She wrote me back and said that I was her first real love too (that almost made me break down) and that she wouldn't tell my secrets or anything. My note felt heartfelt and her just seemed informal to me. The notes when back and forth all day. Mine heart felt, hers more informal. The last note I said that I didn't know if we could be friends and that I didn't love her anymore and that I wouldn't ask her out again so don't worry. She replyed that if I need time to "Get over it" before we could be friends that OK. And if I didn't want to talk to her it was OK too. And now I am home typing on the computer.

I fell so hurt by her. I just want things to go back the way they were, but I know they can't. Now that you know my story I was wondering if any of you went through anything similar to this breakup. And I need some advice.

What do I do about seeing her every day?

Can we really be friends? What do we do and don't do as friends?

Should I care for her anymore? Would it be a good idea?

How long does it take for this pain to start to fade? Is their anything I can do to speed it up?

Is their anyway to help deal with the pain when she starts to date again? (I just want to finish out high school and date in college)

Should I try to get back together?

And when I do date again what are some ways to not get this hurt again?

Sorry for any misspellings. Thanks for reading my long story and giving advice, I am just really hurting right now and I just feel so stupid for loving her.