I met a guy at a party and we hit it off immediately. There was an immediate spark between us so we went back to his place. I stayed the night and we had a really passionate, romantic night. It was completely magical. We didn't have sex however. The next morning we both had things to do so he asked for my number and I left. He texted me later that day saying what a great time he had. We then met up the next weekend to go on a date. We went to a restaurant to have dinner. This was my first date however though and I was extremely nervous and really stupid so when he was in the toilet, I called my ex to talk about how it was going. He came back when I was still on the phone and things went a bit downhill from there. I was sooo nervous that I didn't laugh at his jokes or anything. We decided to go to a bar. When we got there my friend was there (I didn't know she would be there) and she was really drunk. A group of us were having a conversation when suddenly my drunk friend lifts my dates's top up and strokes his chest. She giggles and he enjoys it and lets her carry on doing it. Later on, she asks him, if he's interested in me then why isn't he paying any attention to me?'. He turned around, eyed her and then said 'I think YOU'RE interesting' to my friend with a flirtatious smile. I then asked him about what he just said and he completely denied saying that even though I just heard him.
So we ended up going on a few more dates and things were going really well. However when he came to visit me for the first time, he asked me where my friend was and kept asking 'how old is she'? And stuff like that. He was making me feel really hurt and uncomfortable. I turned around and said look why are you even here with me if it's her that you want? I said do you like her? He said yes and that he would have sex with her. I said well why the hell don't you go and see her then. She's just down the road. He said he prefers me though. I then just stopped talking to him because I was uncontrollably angry. He didn't say he was sorry but just said I'll wait until you're not angry anymore. After a while he then apologised and said he didn't want it to ruin our day together but I'm not sure if he was genuine. I get the impression he only apologised because there was such tension between us and he felt obliged.
I feel sooo hurt and betrayed right now. Words can't describe. Is this normal behaviour for a man you're dating, to tell you that he wants to have sex with your friend? It seems so cruel. Or am I just overreacting? Things are going really well between us and the sex is great. He says I'm beautiful. I just can't understand why he would go and ruin it
By saying something like that. I have begun to notice already that he's incredibly jealous and doesn't like me hanging around with my male friends. Is this his way of getting back at me or something? Why would he do this? Does he care about me whatsoever?

You're looking at this the wrong way, and not entirely fairly. I understand your anger/frustration, but a mature respect for the situation means you have to look at things from his side, too.

The night of your first date, your friend came on to him. She DID. You know that. Young men are sexually freakable. What you described her doing to him guaranteed she would get stuck in his mind. GUARANTEED. It's perfectly reasonable.

And based on how things weren't going perfectly for you two that night, his response is even more natural.

But he continued to date you. (With images of sexy friend floating in the background the whole time.) He tried. Truly.

Confronting people will often get you the lies you seek. This guy didn't lie to you when you confronted him about his interest in your sexually forward friend. He answered truthfully and let you handle your own reaction to it.

You asked the question, then you want to get mad because you don't like the answer? OK. But I warn you, that sort of stuff doesn't fly long-term.
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DATING TIP #431: Don't ask questions you already know the answer to... especially if you don't want to hear the answer out loud. People often lie when pressed directly on uncomfortable topics, so you may force someone into a lie they wouldn't normally have to give. Be careful here.
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Anyway, the betrayal and hurt you're feeling I guess seems reasonable to you, but I caution you that you are JUST dating. There is no commitment here, so the betrayal is minimal at best.

This guy may be more honest than you're used to, and even when he eventually apologized which I bet he meant, I'm sure he WAS sorry you got hurt) you didn't really want to hear it. So how can a guy win with you?

If all you want is to hear pleasant responses that make you out to be the winner in all situations, then be prepared to be lied to. There are plenty of men who would just praise you to heaven until you sleep with them.

This guy seems more down to earth. Maybe you should step back and give him a break. You are just dating, right?

And since you're just dating, it's perfectly OK to decide you two aren't meant to continue without all the added melodrama of pain and betrayal. It is possible to just acknowledge incompatibility, wish each other well, give him your friend's phone number, and part on good terms.

Become enemies is not the only way out. Whether the sex is great or not, the relationship deserves to be judged honestly and calmly.

What do you mean by:
But he continued to date you. (With images of sexy friend floating in the background the whole time.) He tried. Truly. Do you mean he is only dating me to get to my friend? Do you think he actually likes me or is he using me to get to her? He must have liked me to approach me first at the party right?
Also you say that this guy didn't lie to me when he answered however he lied to me when he said that he never made the comment about finding my friend interesting even though I clearly heard him. He also comments on women walking down the street sometimes and says he would like to have sex with them too or they're cute etc etc :(

Guys can be clueless like that... I am always dealing with the same problem as you - I also have an attractive friend, people say we are both attractive, and many times guys got confused between the two of us (approached one of us but ended up also flirting with the other). My friend, like yours, also likes to flirt with my guys, which I hate and which recently led to a big argument. Guys are ambiguous like that, so our best bet is to hope that we can trust our friends not to go after guys that we like!
Your guy should never admit to wanting to have sex with your friends, or with other women in the street. We all know they would do it... but at least they shouldn't tell us in our faces. That is disrespectful, even if it's true. Some truths are better left unsaid.
I honestly would not trust your guy after all that. Chances are that if you break up with him, he'll seek out your friend. It's a tough situation to be in... It's up to you if you can handle hearing him talk about other women... I don't think I could. But maybe you can have a conversation with him, and tell him that you'd rather not hear all that stuff, that it makes you very uncomfortable... and hopefully he'll stop being that open. I'm sure he likes and finds you attractive... but he sounds like someone who wouldn't hesitate to jump on someone else, given the chance.

Soraya, your post is completely sexist and biased. Not all guys go around thinking that, so do NOT lump us all into that category. That would be like one of the guys saying "All girls just imagine themselves banging other guys"

Now, this guy is obviously a player. He has all the classic signs of being one. You have to decide how much longer you are willing to be played

If you were a guy kirai , I would tell you to grow a pair and tell him to hit the road.

You're only dating and he already messed that up, how many warning signs do you want?

He obviously didn't feel the two of you were exclusive, and he was free to have sex with whom ever he wants. That may not be good behavior, but is typical of young guys.

You probably thought you had more going on with him than he did. He was honest, and showed his true colors early, but you ignored the signals, and now your hurt and angry. Now what?

Get over this, and take a lot more care next time. He only took what you willingly gave him. And will do it again.

Soraya, your post is completely sexist and biased. Not all guys go around thinking that, so do NOT lump us all into that category. That would be like one of the guys saying "All girls just imagine themselves banging other guys"

Now, this guy is obviously a player. He has all the classic signs of being one. You have to decide how much longer you are willing to be played

LOL, I didn't mean to be sexist or biased! I just spoke from my own experience. I have yet to meet that guy who approaches me, and stays focused on me while my girlfriend flirts with him! I don't like it any more than you do, but that's the sad reality. I suppose I have been meeting the wrong kind of guys all along then.

Thank you so much for your responses guys!

You said Romefalls:
Now, this guy is obviously a player. He has all the classic signs of being one

Just out of curiosity, what are the classic signs of a player? I think I know some like for example he is a self-professed lady lover and he won't show me his phone etc. But on the otherhand, he has also had a serious of long-term relationships in the past i.e. longer than a year or 2. So how can you spot a player? Or alternatively an insecure guy who's trying to big himself up?

Not showing the phone
Texts or calls that he will hide or say "I don't know" to who it is(more than a few times)
Says he will call but doesn't(more than a few times)
Basically anything that they do that makes your gut sit uneasy... Usually follow it

Soraya, I can completely relate to you haha. I hate it when guys seem interested in you and then switch their attention to your friend. It drives me mad and makes me angry with my friend. They should know better though really than to flirt with a guy that I've already made my mark on :)

She is not your friend, and he is not your man, mark or not.

Threads merged

Hey. I feel like I'm in a really grey area with this guy at the moment. We've broken up a few times but always end up back in the same place, sleeping with each other and not knowing where we stand. This is like the third time now this has happened. We slept with each other again recently and spent a whole weekend together. He paid for everything. It was great but yet again I don't know where I stand with him. He wants me to go and visit him on Valentine's Day but I'm finding this situation to be a big mess and too confusing. I can't help feeling like I'm a booty call.
So, how do I approach this guy and tell him about my feelings without scaring him off/sounding accusatory etc. I just want him to open up to me and be completely honest about what he sees me as. What's a good way of doing this?

Advice from guys themselves would be great! Also, the exact words I should say/text him if possible :)

I can't help feeling like I'm a booty call.



This sums up your entire post right here. I truly think this is all this is. You shouldn't have to explain to someone your feellings, and be scared doing it. Frankly, having sex without any other emotional attacment is nothing but sex... booty call. Perhaps you two should work on that emotional attachment before you jump straight into bed with him. You are playing right into this as well...

As a guy, this is a perfect situation actually. If a guy can get laid with no other strings attached, I am sure he is happy. In my case, I find it more appealing to take it slow, enjoy one another's company, and let things develop from there. If you aren't interested in just being some random sex object, then you need to tell him where you stand, otherwise this ain't going to change. If he can't handle it, then so be it, at least you stand by your morals.

Best to just tell him what your wanting from this relationship and what your expecting, or woul dlike to have. Whatever you do- don't get in bed with him, till the situation is cleared and sincere

Remember, guys are not the open talkative types like girls are. A guys emotions are suppose to be hidden according to society. The only thing a guy will open up to is free sex. So as you said you are simply a booty call for him when he can't get laid anywhere else. Tell him that door is closed and locked until you both understand where this relationship is going. I suspect he will no call anymore after that. But at least you will have your answer.

Remember, guys are not the open talkative types like girls are. A guys emotions are suppose to be hidden according to society. The only thing a guy will open up to is free sex.

What society do you live in? We aren't in the 40's or 50's here. As far as I understand it, guys are expected to be more compassionate and caring nowadays. Yes, there are certain things some guys don't want to talk about, just like there are certain things some girls don't want to talk about. I am a guy who carries my emotions on my sleeve for the most part, which isn't really a good thing all of the time.

This particular guy seems to be open to the idea of an easy booty call... that isn't every guy in general. Also, maybe it is an issue of poor communication that is holding this back from being anything more than sex. The problem is, guys cannot read the minds of women, so if you don't speak up, how in the HEK are we supposed to know something is wrong...

Carry on... :cool:

Why do you keep completing the same pattern with guy? It doesn't matter if he paid for it or didn't. You are setting your ownself up emotionally.

If your having sex with him you shouldn't be afraid to talk to him because after all your're having sex.

I not even should if this guys wants anything more and might just be comfortable in his current position with you.

When your in a relationship with someone your share things. You share secrets, talk about your childhood, and future together. This guy might not have open up to you because he might not feel anything towards you but sex. People knows if anything is going develop into something and he might not feel what you want him to feel.

So in a nutshell you can talk to him about your feelings but don't get upset if the outcome isn't want you want to hear. Before you've sex with someone know your position before hand.

Stop having sex, and see whats left. Then you won't have to talk to know where you stand.

Stop sleeping with him - seems all he wants from you !

**Edited**
He's never going to be honest with you. Because your are just a person who he haves sex with, to him. The best thing to do is just don't contact him or anything. Or you are going to get hurt

I totally agree with Talinman. Stop having sex and see what's left.

If he really is just there for sex then you'll soon see less of him and if he's not, which sadly is doubtful, then you'll see that too!

Hope it works out for you :)

I have a great rule of thumb to go by with this type of stuff, I shall share it with you

"If you can't open your mouth to them, don't open your legs to them."

Ok so here's the update. I sent him an email asking him where exactly I stood with him and to be completely honest with me. He called me back and said 'I like you, so let's start dating again'. There was an awkward silence in which I didn't know what to say and found myself mistrusting him. I said I would think about it. Today however, I sent him a sweet email in the morning saying thank you for calling and how nice it was to be honest with each other for once etc. However he didn't reply. A reply wasn't really necessary but I thought after making progress, he should at least reply to me. So I sent him a heated message in which I said he has no respect for me since he didn't reply, he doesn't care about me whatsoever and I accused him of using me for sex. I got a phone call from him a short while later. He seemed quite angry. I said 'Is it true then?' and he said no its not. I like you. But he kept coming up with these crappy phrases like you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink and he said he could convince me as much as he wanted to but I would never believe him. It was my choice to believe him or not. Then he accused me of being mistrustful and making 'false charges' against him. It was so strange, by the end of the conversation I found myself feeling guilty for asking him those questions and apologising to him. He was really exacerbating me though. He kept saying ' what do you want me to say?' and 'theres nothing I can say or do to change your mind'. You're choosing not to believe me. But seriously, in my defence, he has this whole air about him which is mistrustful. I mean he didn't exactly try and convince me that he wasn't using me for sex. He just said I was mistrustful and that if I chose to believe those things then it was my problem. By the end of the conversation, he said there's no way he wanted to ever go back out with me. Am I in the wrong here for accusing him? I seriously don't know what to think anymore.

No. I think you did what you considered right. Sometimes you have to follow your gut instinct. By the way he reacted, he handled it pretty poorly, even if he was offended. I am not sure this would have gone anywhere had you both started dating again anyway, so better to end it now.

If he truly was offended by this and felt it was all you accusing him, I would think he would do his best to assure you of that and not just throw it back in your face as some trust issue with you. You guys have broken up multiple times, that ain't a recipe for a healthy relationship regardless. Time to cut your ties and move on...

Carry on... :cool:

So let me get this straight, you asked him to make a choice and to let you know where you stood with him, he then asked you back out and you tell him you will have to think about it? If I was a guy and got that answer, I would be heated and offended not to mention question your motives.

I can see you're the insecure impulsive type aren't you?

Your actions are very confusing.

I'm really quite at a loss as to what she wants from him.

Maybe I didn't explain it very well but I was annoyed with him because he said 'I like you and want to start dating you again' so casually as if we were debating over whether to have a takeaway for dinner or something. But if we do choose to date again then it will be a long distance relationship as well so I was annoyed that he treated it so lightly without much thought. One of the reasons we originally broke up was because of the distance but this time around he said 'yeah it's fine' even though it was such a major issue to begin with. It left me feeling suspicious.

I was in similar situation and it was cause he needed his space but when he came to see me we end up in bed. Which meant I didn't no where I stood but if you give him time and space things will sort out eventually.

Most of your problem has been a lack of communications I feel, and the distance doesn't help that.

Long Distance Relationship Advice | The Frisky (http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-handle-this-seven-ways-to-survive-a-long-distance-relationship/?cnn=yes)

Had that fact been included, I am sure that people would have addressed that issue as it's a big one.

Its pretty obvious your afraid to talk with him honestly, and you appear to think just having sex is about love. Its not so either learn each others language, or leave him alone. The confusion comes from not talking and listening.

It has to be frustrating for him, when he does talk, you don't listen, or get mad when he is to casual for your tastes, what's that about?

I live across the road from him before I let him have space we were practically together 24/7 which caused arguments

Hey talaniman. I just read that article that you posted... and that's the thing. There won't be an end goal in our relationship. He used to live in my city but he moved to a different city. He's never moving back here probably, I'm never moving to where he lives. Also, I'm only in this country for 2 more years then I'm going back home. He also says he never wants to get married. So actually, saying it like this has made me realise that there's probably no point to this relationship since it's going nowhere. What's the point in even having a long distance relationship if it's not going to result in anything? This is why I was angry with him when he said 'yeah we can start dating again'. He said it so flippantly with no thought at all as to what it would actually be like.
One of the reasons that we don't communicate very well is that although he speaks English fluently, there are still some cultural differences to overcome. It's frowned upon for men to express their emotions in this society and so he rarely ever does it. I think it's reached the point where he's literally incapable of doing so since he's bottled them up for so long. This makes it near on impossible for me to know how he feels about me. I'm not an insecure person however I end up behaving this way when I'm with him because I never know what his feelings are.

In fact I do listen to him we do talk to each other and we know when each other is upset

I think your right Kia, he isn't the one for you. You knew that though. Besides the sex, he doesn't sound like fun and given the situation, it doesn't seem like fun, so your right, leave him alone, and save the drama and confusion and make sure your enjoying yourself.

You don't need the title of relationship for that do you??

I don't really know why but I completely changed my mind and thought right I want to give this relationship one last shot. The romantic in me came out and I thought well we've been this far together and we can't seem to leave each other alone despite the distance so maybe it could work if we let it. I wanted to give it my best. He seemed to want to start dating again so I thought I'd give us a chance. However I said I would need time to make my decision about whether to date him or not. He said OK take your time. It's been a few days now and things were going really well at first. Like when we were arguing he called me four times in the space of 5 days which is rare for him because he doesn't strike me as a big phone person but it seemed like he was making a big effort to get things straightened out. However today he went to the doctors with an injury. He said he was going to tell me when he got the diagnosis. This was at 8 in the morning. The whole day passed and I still didn't receive a text from him telling me what his injury was. I texted him but still no reply. I'm sitting here kind of angry with him because if we ever want to make this long distance relationship work then he needs to communicate with me. I want to know how he is and I'm worried about him. I know we're not technically dating at the moment but I just can't help but feel that maybe he doesn't care about me if he's not texting me. If boys like a girl then they want to text/call them a lot right? It's heart-breaking that he just doesn't seem to be making an effort. Do you reckon that he's not interested or that he's just a bad communicator? If he wasn't interested then he wouldn't suggest dating again in the first place would he? I'm not sure anymore. Sorry for keep posting about this. I'm sure this mess will come to an end soon enough. It's going to reach make or break point.

You should recognize that a lot of this emotional yoyoing is from you. Not having patience leads us humans to presume, and assume, and go off on all kinds of mental directions.

We always think the worst, and take it personally. You said you would try again, but falling back into bad habits is not trying again, its repeating old behaviors that broke this up in the first place. Reread that link again, you missed something.

It's a big red flag that someone has to always prove themselves to a partner. So I guess you should let him know how you feel when he doesn't call, and makes your mind, and emotions wander like that.

Sometime we just have to wait, and not take it personally. Just because you feel he should be texting, doesn't mean he feels the same.

These are things you talk about, and listen to his side and resolve together, or else your wasting your time.

Threads merged


My boyfriend wanted me to go up to visit him to celebrate my birthday and he kept calling me birthday girl in the run up to my birthday etc. However when my birthday came I waited eagerly to hear from him the whole day. When he didn't text I just thought oh he must be busy at work and he'll call me later. But in the end I didn't hear from him at all on my birthday. The next morning he texted me a normal text saying what's up etc. I sent him a text back saying I couldn't believe him. He said what's wrong? I said you forgot my birthday. He said well I do know that it's your birthday and that's why you're coming to visit me to celebrate except I forgot to send you a text yesterday so I'm sorry. He said it as if he was apologising for leaving the milk out of the fridge or something. I said you don't seem to quite understand. I was waiting to hear from you the whole day and was extremely hurt when I realised you'd forgotten. He said I'm sorry I went to bed very early. He said he would call me. I said I was too angry and he said OK I won't bother you then. I really can't understand him. If this had been my ex boyfriend then he would have been absolutely mortified if he'd forgotten my birthday and would've called me profusely apologising. My current boyfriend however made it seem like it wasn't a big deal and just sent me a text saying sorry but he went to bed early. Am I overreacting or is this rude? It really hurt when he didn't contact me. He's supposed to be the one person I can rely on to remember my birthday above everyone else. It made me feel like he just didn't care about me when he forgot. What do you think? What would you do in this situation?

This is coming from a guy that has been in your boyfriend's shoes.

I didn't completely forget my past girlfriend's birthday, (we're broken up now), but we celebrated it a week early because I had to go out of town on her birthday, and on her actual birthday, I completely forgot because I was working constantly... until about 3am.

I have no excuses, I did forget as I was working all day and all night... finally, I called around 3am, and I profusely apologized, but she was angry as well.

Really, it was a mistake on my part, there's no doubting that.

To be honest, he's apologetic, and it's not that he COMPLETELY forgot the birthday, as he knew it was your birthday, so I suggest you stay mad a little bit, perhaps get him to make it up to you a bit, and then let it go. There's another birthday coming up sometime next year, right?

I had a hard time keeping track of my ex's birthday too. I know it was in the end of October ,but when in October I had no idea.
As sneezy said stay mad for a little bit and have him make it up.

I agree with you being very upset, I know I would be the same! There is no excuse, even if he went to bed early he had time the whole day to at least send you a text. I wouldn't let this one go that easy, I would at least expect him sending flowers (http://www.serenataflowers.com) , ask for forgiveness, take me out to dinner. My ex boyfriend did the same and I was so upset he organized a surprise birthday party for me a couple of days later... that made me forgive him! ;)

Boy oh boy does he have a lot of making up to do!

The fact that he is so nonchalant about it would really make me even more hurt.

He needs to know how much he hurt you,that is the only way you will be able to forgive him. You need to tell him in no uncertain terms how he has hurt you and hope that he makes it up to you.

Just for the record,comparing his actions against your x really serves no purpose,it will just make you second guess your own choices.

Well, this brings me to another topic...

Do birthdays really matter that much? Me, personally, I think last year, I completely forgot my own birthday, which is why I don't take any offense if anyone else forgets mine. I DO try remembering other people's birthdays... but to be honest, even if I remember theirs, my work schedule is so hectic that during the day, I forget it, even if I remembered it the day before.

How excited people are about birthdays differs from person to person.
But at this point he should know that it's a big deal for you. You should accept the apology... but I definitely agree with not letting it go too easily and seeing if he makes it up to you. Something similar happened to me with an ex, and I accepted it too easily, which set the tone for the rest of the relationship. It wasn't a one-time thing either. He stopped putting effort into making me happy because he realized he didn't have to... and I'm glad to say things are over.
In order that this doesn't happen to you... I think what you did is good. You let him know you were upset. Wait and see if he does anything. I hope he makes it up to you!

Ah even if there not that special to you, it is the day the world was graced with you presence __ years ago... and it's always nice to have your partner to help you feel this way!

If my boyfriend forgot my birthday, I'd be pissed off, especially if he wasn't trying to make it up to me. Your reaction is understandable. Talk to him. In other words, make him work to get back into your good graces.

He was wrong, be angry for the time being but don't dwell on it, life is too short.

Make him suffer until he makes up for it, as most females do!

Threads merged


Has anyone else ever been in one of those relationships where you keep breaking up and then getting back together again? I've done this cycle three times now and I'm currently not with my ex anymore. The last time, I told him that I needed clarification of where we stood and he said let's start dating again. However a week later, I was starting to feel uneasy about our rushed decision to start dating again just because it felt right at the time. So I told him that we shouldn't date anymore. He seemed fine with this, agreed with me and said it's best if he stays single for a while. But I'm starting to think that if I ever asked him to start dating again then he would say yes.

Firstly I don't understand why he seems to always see my point of view and agree to breaking up or getting back together with so much ease.

Secondly, I don't understand myself. Why is it that whenever I'm with him, I feel like the best thing to do is to break up with him because we don't work well together, but when we're apart we start calling and texting each other more than ever, get really close, start missing each other and then I want to get back together with him again.

This cycle is starting to become very frustrating. Every time we break up we seem to become emotionally closer and he'll contact me so much, yet when we're together the frequency of his contact starts to lapse which leaves me feeling unwanted and wanting to break up with him.

Any advice as to what I should do? Also if anyone else has been in this situation, please tell me what you decided to do in the end to break the cycle. Thank you :)

It simple - you find this cycle frustrating so end it. Relationship should not consist of breaking up then getting back together. Move on, do both of you a favour by stopping this dead end cycle.

I've been on a similar rollercoaster that's a little more complicated because we have a daughter for years. We break up but always end up back together. My advice to you is to move on, because it is emotionally draining. Move on and you will save yourself a lot of heart ache and disappointment in the end. I wish I had moved on years ago, now trying to find myself and move on from a man that I have invested so many years in is the hardest most painful thing in the world. Look at the situation honesty, and do what you feel is best for you. Always listen to what yourself is telling you if you fell you need to move on then your probably right. We always know the answer to our own questions sometimes you just need someone else to say it.

Dear Kirai,

I believe what your feeling is fear. You fear that the closer you two get, the possibility of him leaving is to unbearable that you panic and break things. You think that your relationship will get too comfortable.

If you like the guy, then be with him! Don't think about what will happen tomorrow or what happened in the past, just live for today! If things don't end up working out for you two then you know you gave it your best shot, right?

To be honest, I have felt this way about my boyfriend before. I was always afraid that he would get too bored with me and dart for the door. Now I know I was wrong. We have been together for 3 years and it feels great. I feel so relieved that I no longer fear the worst in our relationship. I now look to all the fun I am going to have with him.

Best of luck!

:)

Beautful, you steal my heart ha ha
If you want to be with someone, then be with them. Stop worrying about the future or the past, neither are valid in the present. Either be with them or without them. No one likes to be in limbo and waking up every morning thinking "I wonder if today they will break up with me"

Aw, thanks Romey!

Congrats on your engagement by the way!

Yes, I was there and the cycle kept on repeating over and over again. It seemed to me at that time we can work it out etc. but we always end up fighting. So if you realized already that you don't like the situation and how he treats you, then you made the right decision by breaking up with him. The only way to end the cycle is to stick with a decision that you make. Let say, if you think it's best to stay with him then stop breaking up with him. The same with the other decision, if you think it's best to break up, then you have to stop thinking about making up with him etc. One day whether you like it or not, one of you will get tired by doing this. So, decide what you really want, talk to him about it and stick to your decision.

Threads merged


My boy is going on holiday to another country this week. His ex lives there and so he's going to stay with her for 2-4 days. They're friends now and they went out together for 10 months 8 years ago. They have been friends for the past 8 years and haven't seen each other since they broke up since they live in separate countries. He says he's not going to do anything with her because she's desperate to get married at the moment and he's scared of the repercussions if they have sex. However I can't help but feel incredibly insecure and jealous because I know he has a high sex drive and he's an attractive guy. Also, he's actually my ex-boyfriend and we have been thinking about starting things up again. We had sex together right before he left so now I'm left feeling like he's my boyfriend.

So from my point of view I'm scared he's going to have sex with her because a) he's technically single despite having had sex with me. b) she's single as well. c) he'll be staying at hers d) she doesn't know about me. He did tell me over and over again quite honestly that he might possibly still be attracted to her after all these years since he did date her at one point but that he wouldn't do anything because he didn't want to have to deal with the after effects and that he didn't want to ruin his chances with me. In my opinion though this just isn't enough reassurance.

So my question is, from a guy's point of view, do you think he will have sex with his ex? What would you do if you were in his situation? I'm so worried right now :( Thank you!

Speculating about such a thing is really kind of silly because ,what's it going to get you,besides a headache?

However,I asked my 22yr.old son and he said,if she isn't hooked up and he isn't hooked up they will most likely get together because it is easy and familiar.
Also ,if the ex is desperate to get married,she may think this is a good way to get him back.

He also said,it is no big deal and may not mean too much because of the long distance relationship hassles.

I can verify that my son does not have any clairvoyant talents,so clearly this is all just speculation.

I think if the opportnity comes about it's probably going to happen. His answer wasn't a solid "it's not going to happen" as one would expect. At the same time, I'm not sure what I should believe from you since you start saying my boy then later admit he's not your boy, so until you start approaching this from an area of clear honesty about yourself and your situation, you will just stir the confusion.

Yes there is about a 99% chance that he is going to have sex with her if he gets the chance. Which by the sounds of it he is staying there, so there is a pretty good chance.

First, all because he left feeling like your boyfriend the fact remains that he isn't. Sometimes sex confusing things but the point is he is an ex not a boyfriend.

With that being said he is free to do what he wants. From the looks of it, it seems like his ex stills like him and being that they haven't seen each other for years things could happen. As long as they are two consenting adults, who really cares.

Try to cause any furtther necessary pain or stress to yourself by worrying about his actions or intentions. The only person you can control is you not him.

Don't have sex with someone and then think "Oh, it felt like we was back together" no the two of you just had sex because you got caught in the moment but it seems like you had a hidden agenda behind it.

With that being said who knows if they are going get wrap in the moment.

It seems like your looking for a boyfriend so maybe you should go out and find one.

So it seems incredibly likely that he's going to have sex with her huh? Do you think he'll tell me upfront that he had sex with her or lie about it and say he didn't?

So it seems incredibly likely that he's gonna have sex with her huh? Do you think he'll tell me upfront that he had sex with her or lie about it and say he didn't?

Why does it matter, your not his girlfriend.

So it seems incredibly likely that he's gonna have sex with her huh? Do you think he'll tell me upfront that he had sex with her or lie about it and say he didn't?

You really need a crystal ball to answer that one.You know the guy,is he trustworthy,does he tell the truth regardless of the possible consequences?

Bottom line,if he does ,you can't undo it and if he lies ,you'll never know so it is really a waste of time to worry about it.

I don't know this guy so I can't say what he going do or if he is going to tell you. Do you really want to know? I guess so.

Why don't stop stressing over this guy. Is he the only guy in your town?

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Given your past history with this fellow, I hope you are not there when he comes back.

Clearly your relationship ain't no healthy relationship. For whatever reason your holding on, he is not, and knows whatever he does, you will take him back, and all is lovely.

That's crazy so stop the cycle, because he knows full well you will worry, and fret that he is with the ex, yet he does it anyway.

Break this cycle, why don't you.

INSANITY is repeating the same stuff over and over, and expecting different results.

That describes your relationship to a tee.

Update

The last post I made was about my ex going to see his ex. After that, my ex came back to this country and sent me texts and called me everyday being all lovey dovey and saying he missed me. Seriously, he's sooo manipulative. I can see that now. I just thought he must have missed me but he was probably doing it because he had a guilty conscience. Anyway, we fell back into the old routine and Skyped every single day. When we were on Skype together one time, his friend was round his place and so he introduced me as his girlfriend. I was elated because he had never done that when we were going out and we weren't officially going out when he made that comment. But anyway it made me feel ecstatic and I felt like he was my boyfriend again. He kept saying to me, I really want to be your boyfriend again. I was so flattered. We booked a trip together and went away for 3 days, the theory of it being it would be a trial period to see if we should get back together. Things were going really well at that point and I felt happy with my life and him. The trip was amazing. He was so warm and friendly to me. He hugged me so tight as if he wanted to merge our bodies together. I'd never felt more wanted by him.
However after the trip we both go back to our respective cities. We still Skyped often however he stopped texting me altogether. Normally if I didn't go on Skype, I would get a text asking where I was. However he didn't seem to care that we went a few days at a time without speaking. I couldn't understand this because after the trip, I felt closer to him than ever. I wanted to text and call him 10 times as much however his contact seemed to be waning. Every time I did speak to him on Skype, he would make lewd comments about how I had a masterpiece down below etc. He made me feel so used and dirty like some kind of sexual object. I sent him a text one night telling him how angry I was and how I didn't want to be treated that way. He said he would call me but I kept having things get in the way so we couldn't speak until 2 days later. When I saw his face on Skype, I knew something was up. He's like Jekyll and Hyde - he has two personas. Well anyway he had this stone cold emotionless face on him. He said he's sorry but we should just be friends. We've been here before and we shouldn't be doing this again. That's all he said... no sweet things about how he would miss me or that we had a great trip together. No nothing. He was just stone cold and had this almost bored expression on his face. He kept fidgeting and not looking at the computer screen and I could tell he was dying to get away.

After all this I just don't understand what happened. How could we go from having such an amazing weekend in which we really connected to him being so heartless and cold? I just can't get my head around it. I've never seen anything quite like it. He was so scary. Just this complete expressionless, emotionless stone. Do you think I did something wrong? What do you think happened? I'd be grateful to hear your opinions.

Despite my depression and rejection right now, I can see that this is for the best. It's better if he is the one to finally say no because I seem to have no resolve whatsoever when it comes to this boy. At least now he will stop trying to worm his way back in hopefully. I just can't get over this feeling of utter rejection is all. I feel so played. Why do you think he became so cold with me?

The thing is actually, I thought I had a good perspective on this whole relationship. I mean this relationship had a sell-by-date anyway. I'm leaving this country to go back to my country next year and so all I wanted to do was have a fantastic time with this boy before I left. Even though we were long distance we could take trips together and I could get to see more of this beautiful country with a boy I really like. Neither of us wanted marriage so I thought we could just make the most of our time together. However the reality of the situation was that I just couldn't take the relationship lightly enough. I always got too into him and that's when it became problematic. I started expecting him to call and text more etc and for him it didn't seem like a relationship was on the top of his priority list. He was always more concerned with his job, sports etc. In hindsight, we were on completely different pages.
Not to put the blame on him or anything but I think if he had contributed more and given more to the relationship like calling me more then we could have succeeded. I loved a lot of the parts involved in long distance relationships like posting stuff to each other and getting to spend concentrated bursts of time together when you do see each other. It made it all feel worthwhile. But then the neglect that came after was always heartbreaking.

Definitely he is going to have sex with her because 90% males not see her who is she they just want sex. If I'm there in place of your boyfriend then I also do sex with my ex--

However the reality of the situation was that I just couldn't take the relationship lightly enough. I always got too into him and that's when it became problematic.

I started expecting him to call and text more etc and for him it didn't seem like a relationship was on the top of his priority list. He was always more concerned with his job, sports etc. In hindsight, we were on completely different pages.

Not to put the blame on him or anything but I think if he had contributed more and given more to the relationship like calling me more then we could have succeeded.

Well that about says it all doesn't it? You wanted too much, he did too little.

It was never going to work and you both contributed to it.

Definately he is going to have sex with her bcz 90% males not see her who is she they just want sex. if i m there in place of your bf then i also do sex with my ex--


Dude, what are you doing... Don't go throwing comments like, "If I was there, I'd have sex with her." That's not helpful, you're just adding negativity. Go away.


Anyway, with everything going on, you're skeptical about him having sex with his ex. Obviously you feel that way for certain reasons and I think you know what those reasons are. If you know you can't trust him, why still be around to take him back? The real question is, can you trust him? I'm sure you know the answer, and there it is. You know what you should do.

He's not with you, and even though you might get worried about his actions, it shouldn't matter, you two aren't in a relationship. Seems like you guys are an on and off couple and like Tal said, if you guys keep repeating yourself with break up/make up drama, insanity will settle in, thus making you unaware of what you need to do for yourself.


Instead of worrying about him, worry about yourself and how to build confidence and self respect. It is long past due.

If he had sex with one ex (you), my guess is that he'd have sex with the ex he is staying with also.
You may think that he is your boyfriend, but what is he thinking? He may just be looking for a warm bed someplace.

Guys... please read again... Kirai got some updates already.

So Kirai, you guys together now (boyfriend and girlfriend)

1.)You're not his girlfriend.

2.)He doesn't have a girlfriend.

3.)Therefore, he is single and can have sex with whoever he wants. Which apparently at one time is you (notice the word "relationship" is not included).

4.)He'll be overseas. Refer back to #3.

5.)If he was worried about ruining his chances with you, he'd ask you out so you wouldn't have to wonder.

6.) He's using you.

7.)Let the ex have him, run away, and find someone that is actually interested in a committed relationship with you. And don't contact your ex again.

8.)Have a nice day.

He became cold because he doesn't care about you anymore, Sweetheart. He's a Faggy McFaggins. A douchebag. A jerk. A bicycle with one wheel.

Heal your heart: go NC, and be thankful you were able to spot his one-wheeledness.

Threads merged


Hey, I deleted my ex from Facebook a few hours ago. I just couldn't stand the obsession I had with checking his profile all the time. It was driving me up the wall! Especially since it hurt so much every time he would write status updates about how he was meeting cute girls etc. It was like a dagger through my heart every single time. He seemed to be moving on so quickly yet I was still missing him like crazy. But now, I'm starting to have second thoughts. Was it the right thing to do deleting him from Facebook? I've got this horrible sense of guilt and now I've logged onto skype for the first time in ages and am waiting for him to come online so I can apologise (even though this means breaking no contact and I haven't spoken to him for two weeks). I'm quite pathetic really. Can you please reassure me that deleting him was the right thing to do? I'm going crazy here.

Ya done good. :)

Absolutely, you have no reason to apologise to him over taking the steps necessary for you to heal. It was the right thing to do. Have no doubt about that.

Yes delete everything, don't keep any reminders.
And you don't owe him anything.

Hey, I deleted my ex from facebook a few hours ago. I just couldn't stand the obsession I had with checking his profile all the time. It was driving me up the wall!! Especially since it hurt so much every time he would write status updates about how he was meeting cute girls etc. It was like a dagger through my heart every single time. He seemed to be moving on so quickly yet I was still missing him like crazy.

Just before you mentioned "second thoughts", you already stated to us all the reasons you should delete him from Facebook.


But now, I'm starting to have second thoughts. Was it the right thing to do deleting him from facebook?

Let us reassure you as to why you deleted him in the first place. It's so that you can heal. Until you've fully recovered from this break up, it's better not to have him on Facebook (i.e. see the reasons you've listed yourself).


I've got this horrible sense of guilt and now I've logged onto skype for the first time in ages and am waiting for him to come online so I can apologise (even though this means breaking no contact and I haven't spoken to him for two weeks).

BAD IDEA, hopefully we're not too late. DO NOT GO ON SKYPE. What you should actually do is delete him from your contact list on skype too. Talking to him will add to the confusion, give you false hope and make you over-analyze everything he says, which will prolong the pain and suffering.

STICK TO NO CONTACT!


I'm quite pathetic really. Can you please reassure me that deleting him was the right thing to do? I'm going crazy here.

Of course it's not pathetic. You're only following the no contact rules. Here's some more reassurance (all the rules): https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/nc-rules-faqs-332732.html