Hi. About 10 years ago I met a great girl. I was 21 and she was 19. We clicked almost immediately and we started dating. As time progressed we moved in with each other. During the day we would ride the bus to the city together as we both worked in the city. I for a sales company and she for an advertising company and also as a part time college student studying architecture. We dated for about 2 years and eventually got engaged. We had our little tiffs like any other couple but they were never anything serious. We would always kiss and apologise afterwords. My job in the city wasn't the best, in fact I hated it, but I didn't care because I had this great relationship. After we got engaged, we would sometimes spend the evenings planning things like wedding invites and so on. We'd go out and generally do all the stuff a couple would do, money permitting. After a couple of years though, this all changed. I would even help with her studies. She used to admit that she was never naturally gifted for things like drawing and always had to work extra hard to overcome it, something that I greatly admired in her. I on the otherhand was starting to find it more and more difficult at work, as though the walls were closing in on me. I started to suffer anxiety and anger and my weight began to drop very quickly. I started to feel as though I was failing her in some way. This also meant these problems also found there way into our home. I had no idea as to how or why it started happening and still don't to this day. My physical and mental state were going into meltdown and I was finding it harder and harder to get a grip.

Eventually it all stared coming to a head. The last few weeks had been pretty rocky. We were arguing a lot, apologising, arguing again and so on. On the one occasion when we seemed to be all right, she began talking about how a guy at her work does para-gliding or some extreme sports stuff. It was nothing more than harmless small talk but for some reason I couldn't see it as that. I accused her of having a thing for this guy, hence why she was talking about him. She quite rightly called me an idiot for thinking such a thing but I wouldn't let it go. Eventually she snapped and said she wanted out of the relationship as she couldn't take anymore and these past few weeks and months had been unbearable for her. I was completely shocked and realised I had made the most stupid of mistakes but it was too late. She said she no longer loved me and everything was over. I was so shocked and stunned by this, my head pounding with pressure, that I actually gave myself a nose bleed. She pack a few things and said she was going to her mothers who lived just a few blocks away. I couldn't believe what I had done and yet I did nothing. I could have dropped to my knees and begged forgiveness but I didn't. I was too shocked.

The weeks passed since the split. We still rode the bus together to the city. We still talked on the phone and we still even met up with each other. I once even help her with her college work when she rang me in tears. She had dropped her architectural model and it was in pieces and needed my help to fix it as it was due to be handed in for a test the following day. One day I called her on the phone and I could tell something was wrong. She said she couldn't talk to me as she was expecting another guy. I asked if it was from another guy and she said it was. She said it was a guy from her college class. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I know it was over between us but to hear something like that less than 5 weeks after breaking up was... well I cannot describe it.

From that point on her attitude towards me change dramatically. She no longer rode the same bus and if she did she would sit elsewhere. No calls. Nothing. On the occasions when our paths would cross, she would completely blank me, as though I didn't exist. There was also a look of anger and hate and animosity towards that was evident. Sometimes she would walk past my office window when I was at work, slowly and deliberately with her college friends so I would see her. In my attempt to try and keep my sanity I started to do some basic fitness. I would go for a short run after work, and one one occasion I ran past where she lived to see how she liked it. She didn't and called the cops. During this time I was still having problems at work and my emotional state was now in complete freefall. I gave up the apartment that we had and downsized. The car that I did have was wrecked when a truck side swipped me. Everything was going wrong. This pattern went along for about 2-3 years since the split and I knew I needed to get a grip of my #bleep# before I did something stupid. All this time I would still see her driving around our town with her new guy in his shinny car.

So I decided I needed to change my whole lifestyle and start afresh. I moved to a different state. Got a good job working for a different company and I even joined the National Guards. I even ended up going to Iraq for 12 months and again to Afghanistan a few years later! All in all, I was gone from my home town for several years, but after a while though I started to miss my one true home. I'd seen too many bad things in places like Baghdad and Fallujah and had no more fight left in me. So I sold up and moved back to my old home town. The decision to move back home was pretty easy and not once did it cross my mind that my ex was probably still there. I started to catch up with my old school buddies and family, all of whom had no idea I had gone overseas, not even my folks! I had to show them pictures to prove otherwise. My home town was still the same. Same people, same local store, same gas station, same schools, same houses. One day I was in my local store shopping for groceries when I see my ex working on the check out. She see's me but doesn't acknowledge I'm there. She just blanks me. She doesn't even look in my direction. I can tell by her body language that she is tense. Her posture is as straight as a ramrod. Mouth is closed. Deliberately over exaggeratting her movements and taking her time. But most of all I can see a look of shock quickly turning to a slight anger and general animosity. I had spent too many times in Iraq and Afghanistan reading the locals body language as it would normally be the only clue you would have between you living and you dying, and god only knows I had seen too much of that. It must have been the end of her shift because as soon as her relief arrived she couldn't get away quick and was deliberately trying to not get involved in any small talk with her replacement co worker. I finished my scanning, paid and left.

A couple of weeks later I realise I need some gas for my car, so I take it to the only gas station in town and lo and behold she is there getting gas for her car. There was only one vacant pump and it was right next to her so I had no choice but to pull up to it as there was a line of cars waiting to get fuel. Again I saw the same looks that I had seen in the local store a few weeks earlier. Anger to a degree, tension and general animosity. I was going to turn around and say hello and ask how she's been all this time, purely on a point of being curtious but decided against it. Her body language said it all. So again I finished filling up, paid and left.

Earlier in this story I mentioned we had the same mutual friends, one of which had told me that how relationship with this guy, even though it lasted for about 3-4 years, ended and she was now married to a local guy from our home town. This friend showed me pictures of their wedding. She looked stunning as ever in her white wedding dress and her groom looked every inch the happy husband. She had also passed her college courses and slowly building up her own business and was working part time in the local store just for extra income. Seeing these pictures and hearing this news made me feel genuinely happy for her, for them both even and hope they have a long and happy marriage.

But one thing I cannot understand is why she could still feel so negatively about even after it has been nearly 10 years and after we have both quite clearly moved on with our lives. Hers in her direction and mine in my direction. How 2 people can be so intimate that one can no longer acknowledge the existence of the other with even the most simplist of civilised welcomes and gestures.

It's a funny old world we live in...

I'd also like to point out that I used to also feel anger and hate and animosity towards her, but I let go off that a long time ago. I feel, as a person, that I have proved myself to be a good person. I have served my country, I've expanded my experiences and I've lived everyday of my life as if it were my last. I've had other girlfriends and I've met and became friends with some truly great people.

I can't say why she still appears to feel so negatively about you. I make some guesses.

Were you her first real love and relationship?

Did things get worse than maybe you realized at the time? How much did she hold in to keep from hurting you while you melted down? How much of your negative emotions over work, etc. did she try to handle? How many eggshells and land mines was she really walking on for that time? Then you threw all that love and support back at her with one accusation that probably felt like a physical punch to her. When she was getting comfortable with you back in her life as a friend, you took that away from her with, probably, some more hurtful words because she was waiting for a male to call.

I can guess that she loved you a lot and that holding on that anger and hurt is how she coped with the break-up. The greater the love-the greater the anger and hurt.

It may also be a big shock to her for you to be back in town and for all those feelings that she may have thought were gone to come flooding back. Hopefully, she can find her own peace again and will let the anger and hurt go.

Some people deal with things better than others.

Some people don't grow and change as others do.

Some people get better others get worse.

You got out, she didn't.

Take your pick!

I think in all honesty it was the first true relationship for both of us as we were living together. We'd both had partners before, but never on the same level as this. On reflection, I probably was making her walk on eggshells towards the end. She knew I was having a hard time with a few things and was always very supportive, and I guess as a result I kind of took that for granted without realising. Funnily enough, when she told me she was waiting for a call from this other guy, I never said anything hurtful. There was just a sort of awkward silence and then she said she had to go and that was that. I even bumped into one of her older sisters a few months after the break-up and got talking, naturally the conversation turning to my ex as her sister said she was sorry to hear what had happened. The sister even shared my view that this new relationship was nothing short of rebound but understandably had to side with her sister. Blood is thicker than water as they say. I bumped into my ex in the local store once and tried to say sorry for causing it all to go south because of my behaviour and apologise for everything since then but got told to "F Off!" So I did.

Glen , as you say you ve moved on I think you may have to accept the situation such as it is. If she s still angry that's her problem now not yours.

From reading your post it sounds as if you are a balanced, brave and calm person who has faced life and moved on from unpleasant things. I think you should feel happy about this.

Relationships can carry hurt for a long time, even after they have ended. 10 years is a long time though to still feel angry enough that you can't talk to each other. It sounds like you were happy enough to have talked to her if you had seen her..

I don't know what she is feeling now, but her behaviour suggests that she is still feeling strong emotions of some sort, regarding your past relationship (hurt? Regret? Guilt? Anger?).

The important thing is that you have moved on and are at peace with yourself. If she continues to harbour these negative emotions she is obviously not at peace with herself. If you have told us the COMPLETE story of what happened, in truth it sounds as if she hasn't matured. If people don't move past certain things, their perceptions can distort with time, feelings become stronger or weaker.

I think you are dealing with the discomfort that everyone feels after seeing an ex after a long time... That is NORMAL. Be happy in yourself that you have the maturity and insight to have moved to this new place in your life, without carrying uneccessary baggage.

Take what you have learned from the last relationship into any new relationships you have. There are always 2 sides to every story. If we look at how we behaved towards others in the past there are ALWAYS improvements that can be made. We are better people because of what we have learned from past experiences.

Good luck

Howdy folks. Just thought I'd take some time-out and add some stuff rather than starting a new thread. Past few weeks have been slightly surreal for me. Nothing I can't handle but still odd, all the same. I've been back in my hometown for a good 5 months now and everything seems pretty OK. I've been working in one of the local production plants since shortly after moving back here, it's not the highest paid job in the world but I like it and I even have several high school buddies also working here (1 is now the senior manager and a real great guy who got me the job), it's easy work but challenging if you know what I mean. I've spent a lot of time getting to know a whole bunch of new people and also getting re-acquinted with lots more from the old days. I think almost everybody in the town now (last count about 15,000 people) knows about me going overseas, as the local newspaper did a story about "welcoming a local guy home after being away for many years and going to places like Iraq and Afghanistan ect ect". My town isn't what you'd call a die hard All-American town with flags draped from every street corner as very few have ever served in the military apart from ww1 and ww2 (nobody from vietnam or korea). It just isn't one of those places. It had always been one of those places that kept itself to itself and never really took much interest in the outside world and yet I've had people stop me in the local store and along the main streets and shake my hand and welcoming me home when they realise who I am. People saying well done for all we've done and sacrificed. To have friends and even strangers say stuff like that really makes you feel humbled and appreciated as a lot of us realise that we haven't always been the most popular of people since 2003.

Anyway, a few weeks ago some friends and I were having some chill out time in one of the bars. I needed some money (it always seemed to be my round!) so I stepped out into the main street to go to one of the ATM's. No sooner had I started walking to the ATM I saw my ex and her husband coming out from one of the local shops. She see's me, puts on this disapproving face of hers and must have said something that wasn't nice because whatever it was she said, it made her husband turn around and look at me. I ignored this little incident and carried on towards the ATM, got my cash and went back to the bar. What they did after that I have no idea. A couple of days later I'm buying some paint and dust sheets from a hardware store and I just had this uncomfortable feeling. I glanced over my shoulder and could see my ex browsing some stuff on the shelves and fiddling with her cellphone while I was paying for my stuff. It was quite obvious that she was simply waiting for me to finish paying for my stuff before she walked over to the checkout to pay for hers. Pretty immature if you ask me. And to top it all off, last Saturday I was with a bunch of friends watching a local band playing. The guy who fronts the band is an old friend of mine from college and also a family friend of my exe's husband. It was a pretty good night. Turns out my ex and her husband were going to go as well but when she found out I was going to be there, she withdrew her invite. I didn't even know she had an invite or that she even knew my friend from college. Shortly thereafter I was told by a mutual friend that my returning home shook her a bit and led her to admit to our mutual friend that she's never forgiven me for causing the breakup all those years ago. And yet at the same time she said she couldn't believe I did such a crazy thing like go off to fight and now can't stop thinking about me possibly going back to Afghanistan later in the year (about a month ago I told some friends that I was thinking of volunteering for another tour of duty, I can only assume that she heard from one of them later on).

All I want to do is get on with my life and do my own thing and the last thing I want to do is cause anyone any grief. It would be nice to talk to her as a civilised person would expect to, and yet for some reason I feel pretty guilty and for thinking "tough crap her feelings aint my problem no more if she can't handle me existing or being around or even going back over there then too bad". She's spent a long time hating my guts, hating the sight of me and yet on the other hand is worried I'll be going back over. Is it wrong for me to think/feel that way? I mean, she's chosen her path in life and I've pretty much chosen mine.

You spend far too much time trying to understand the feelings of an idiot ex, who is married now. I sure wouldn't care what she does as obviously she is not a rational normal person. You give her far to much credit. Ignore her. She will get over herself one day, and if she doesn't, to bad.

You have a great life and a great outlook on life. There is not any way that you can change hers to be more similar to yours.

You have gone out and seen the world, lived life. She may feel that she has not. That she has stayed in a life that she didn't expect for herself. She may feel she has been jipped by life.

In all honesty there is little you can do. It would have been nice for you to come home, share a beer and swap stories on how life has turned out for you two. But unfortunately, that will never be. The ironic thing is, she most likely would like this too, but cannot or will not allow herself this.

If she wants to be immature about this, well, that is her decision. She has left you no room to maneuver. Let her be, and enjoy the fulfilling life you have created.

All the best.

Ignore her-she's no longer important,unless you make her so.

You have a good life,enjoy it.

Seriously, this guy is in denial that he's over her.
And is just dying, dying . . . to talk with her.

Sounds like he's spoken to near everyone in town about her too.
I have my doubts about the full story, but hey that's my opinion and I'm sticking to it.
You don't come on the internet over a decade later and start a thread like this if you are over her.

You isn't ;)

I do think that he is harbouring feelings for this girl, she was his first love, don't we all harbour some feelings for the ones we have loved?

I think I would be upset too if I felt that my ex and I could not have a civil conversation after 10 years. I also think that coming on to a site like this and talking about it is good for venting and learning something new about ourselves, and also having reassurance. The alternative is to bottle your feelings and that never ends well.

Well I agree that it all helps. Good luck anyway living back at your old home town and hope things turn out for the best.

She's still in love with you, you idiot! Go and get her, you only live once...