Good Evening,

I've always been different and never fit in. I grew up in a rural area and was teased by everyone in school primarily because I talked like a "girl". I remember purposely being in trouble and sent to detention just so I wouldn't have to be alone at recess or break. I couldn't avoid being alone at lunch until I was old enough to leave campus during lunch. My principal felt I had an emotional problem and recommended counseling. I've had lots of counseling over the years. I didn't notice an improvement on prescribed anti-depressants, so I'm not currently taking any.

I wouldn't call myself a hooker, but when I was in college, I knew a lot of older men who bought me nice things. Clothes, jewelry, cars, trips. After graduating, I came into a fairly large sum of money, and before it was gone, there appeared to be a lot of friends. I used some of it to buy my house and it will be paid for in four years. I have a job and my bills are paid.

I'm overweight and I've tried all kinds of diets. Ice cream by the pint can make me feel so good. :rolleyes: I'm not muscular and I don't exercise. I smoke, drink, and occasionally self medicate. The gay community can be extremely shallow and superficial. I live alone. I've thought about renting a room, but I have trust issues and enjoy freedom. But at the same time, I'm lonely.

I attended church with my family growing up and consider myself to be Christian. I do not currently attend, as I feel uncomfortable going alone. Once I open my mouth, I'm judged. Lack of Testosterone doesn't seem to be an issue, but I do have the lisp and all other stereotypical feminine characteristics of a gay man. For Halloween, I'm going to "be" Elizabeth Taylor... I'll be attending a very large costume party for the 9th year alone.

There have been many men. There are 365 days in a year, so do the math. There have been two women and I was unable to reach satisfaction with them. If a straight man is friendly to me, I misinterpret his kindness. I've had black eyes.

I live in a small community about a hour from the city. I'm in the city every weekend getting drunk and having annonymous sex. Basically, I'm fairly handsome, financially secure, some hobbies, and just tired of being alone. It seems I've been alone (if not being used) all 34 years. Why would anyone choose to live this way? What is the purpose for me being here? Why has no one ever been a true friend? It's depressing and sad isn't it?

I think early on you learned not to allow people to get close to you because they would end up hurting you. The rest of your life is a continuation of the theme.

I am going to suggest counseling as a way to help you stop self-medicating. You are running away from yourself and other people. That never goes well for anyone. From there, if the therapist thinks depression is still an issue he/she can guide you on what should work for you.

I think you need to work on changing your lifestyle. For so long you have been trapped in a self-defeatist attitude and way of living that I don't think you have explored other ways. Bars and clubs are not the only places to meet people even for homosexuals.

You need to find yourself. You need to take a step back and find what makes you feel good about yourself. If it is your hobbies, then use those to boost your confidence in yourself. What are your hobbies? Find other people who are interested in the same things you are. Male, female, gay, straight, martian, etc. doesn't matter in making new friends who you can feel close to. Build up your self-esteem and self-respect. Let the past go (not easy and somewhat painful, but rewarding in the end). Stop punishing yourself for things you can't control. Yes, I think your current lifestyle is a way that you punish yourself and at the same time re-affirm that no one cares about you.

Your own attitude about yourself speaks louder to anyone who meets you than a lisp does.

It seems as if you've been looking for affirmation in all the wrong places and you've judged yourself by how other people have responded to you. You've wanted affirmation (clothes, jewellery, cars), and you've wanted to feel good (food, sex, cigarettes, alcohol).

You've taken a lot from others, but what have you given in return? Perhaps you can't or don't know how to give of yourself because there is no one really there.

Who are you really? You may want love, but are you capable of giving it? It seems not. At least, not yet.

I would suggest that you are spiritually and emotionally immature and that this stems from within you. For whatever reasons you're unable to form loving connections with others because you can't form a loving connection with yourself.

It's been said so many times, but you can't love others until you love yourself. The catch 22 is that self love cannot grow unless you develop a compassionate concern for other human beings.

Put yourself out there and do something altruistic. Not because you'll get praise or meet your next sexual encounter. Do some volunteer work with people that are really in need of love and compassion. Test yourself, and do it to get away from this superficial life that drains you and leaves you spiritually and emotionally barren.

Try to read some of the recent self help gurus and try to connect with your humanity, a sense of purpose, your 'soul' whatever you want to call it.

If you take some time and make an effort to find yourself, in doing so, you might find others.