Hello everyone.. what a great sight!!
I have a nearly 18 year old son... who Im sure in his own ways does love me,but most of the time we argue over things that I as a parent and a human think are important issues.I work a lot of the time... and when I come home.. he is still in bed or just watching TV... most of the time with his girlfriend... which is another story... I can't say anything to my son about anything... other wise he flies off the handle at me and swears and says Im over reacting... he does indeed push my buttons... and over the years Ive learnt to stand my ground... I couldn't find a medum with him... so I decided to move in with my sister and told him he had to find somewhere else to live and get a job... I was there for 3 months with my sister... I ended up paying his rent and decicded I might as well move back out and let him come back home... So that's what I did.. but nothing has changed... He left the house on Friday after an argument said he would be back Saturday for his stuff.. its now Monday nearly evening and I have had no word from him nor seen him.. I really am at a loss of what to do... do I ring around and find him... I really am not a horrible person... and really do try to please all my kids... its just my son I have trouble with... Any advice much appriecated
Finding the Balance

I'm guessing he will be back when he's hungry.

Looks like you finally got your home back,your peace of mind and a lot less hassel.

He's 18,and a big boy now,time for him to find his own way,I'm betting he will come back when he realises in the real world unless he is willing to get up and earn a living a cook a meal,no one is going to do it for him.

Time to cut the apron strings.

When he does show up.have his stuff packed and ready to go,don't let him back in.

Sometimes as a parent tough love needs to be inforced for our children's own good. In time he will see you did him a favour,there's no need to be mean,just stay strong,and you can still lend support.

Gosh.. throwing him out on the street was the last thing I wanted to do... and peace of mind is very far from the truth.. as I worry myself to death about him out there... yea I know Im a softee... but I do worry about kids out on the streets when they shouldn't be hey... but thanks for the advice

I was under the impression that he had somewhere to stay over the weekend?

If he can sort that out,surely he can sort out a permanent place to stay? Perhaps with your help?

What I'm really trying to say is,help him to survive in the real world, you have already given him a chance,and he didn't change.

I don't think you're a softy, I think you're a sucker for punishment.

You are the parent, he is the freeloader. He should not be calling the shots, and you should not be doing the enabling thing that's going on here.

You are not doing him any favours to allow him to be a bum. You need to let the safety net go, and let him find his own way in this world. At his age, he needs to learn how to support himself, take care of himself, and be self sufficient. What you are essentially doing, is taking away his opportunity to be a grown man, capable of taking care of himself.

Pack his things in boxes, and deliver them to the last known address he stayed at while not at home. Change the locks on the doors, and, if he has a key to your car, change that as well. On your answering machine, leave a number where he can be reached, which is likely the girlfriends house.

Why you let it get this far, and do such a disservice to him by allowing him to sprout mushrooms, is beyond me. He needs to not only cut the apron strings, but you also need to cut the enabling strings, and allow him to grow up.

If this is too difficult to do, please seek counselling to have the support you need to build confidence to do the right thing.

You both need to live your lives.

With all due respect I have not been a disservice to any of my children... and I have attended counselling many a time over my son... without a male figure in his life,I have tried to support him through thick and thin... just like my other 2 children... to let him know that he can call me if he is ever in trouble.. And with the advice you have given me... would you do this to your own child.. pack his things up and take them to the last known address... Are you a single parent... I appriecate your advice... I really do... but he already thinks I hate him and don't love him as it is... Again thanks for your advice.

Trying, I do understand, and I am not saying you are, or have been a bad parent, or an uncaring mom. Actually the opposite, and my point was, that he is taking advantage of the situation, not to grow up.

He's making a choice to treat you very poorly, and you are making choices to accept the behaviour as normal. Until there is a respect for your authority as his parent, as well as the provider of his food, shelter, clothing etc. and he learns to follow your rules, not the other way around, your life is not going to change.

The disservice I speak of is that while you want to have a good relationship with your son, his idea is to maintain the status quo, and give only enough to keep you supporting him. By allowing this to happen, he is not going to grow up and be independent, and he will not have the satisfaction of earning his own money and paying his own way. He needs to learn that with maturity comes expectations.

Would you have allowed his behaviour at age 7? Why at age 18 then.

There are hard lessons to be learned when you have to work to support yourself, but the rewards are worth it; working hard and getting that paycheck is a good thing.

You have described him as rude, lazy etc. and he and his girlfriend just 'hang out' doing not a lot of anything. He pushes your buttons to the point where you go and stay with your sister if I read that right.

If he has no physical disability that prevents him from pulling his weight, then what's his problem.

I have been married 33 years Balance, and have raised 2 kids. I can tell you that I would never have tolerated my son being in bed all day with his girlfriend, and with my daughter, I did pack her bags, and she did (briefly) move out, quite indignantly, and lasted all of three weeks. But it was an attitude adjustment, and a taste of reality.

I'm really not putting you down, or judging you. Finding that balance isn't about this imbalance of power you're dealing with in your own home. There should be no question that you are in charge, and that he is expected to get his derrierre out of bed in the morning, get to school or work, and at least contribute to the household in some meaningful way. Do his laundry, wash the dishes, earn some spending money with a part time job, etc. He is capable.

As long as you allow this to continue, he won't grow up. That's all I was trying to say. While he may not think he has some growing up to do, you know he does, and it's up to you to put down the groundrules to make that happen.

Thanks Jake... and you are right... and not that this is an excuse... but you have had your husband there by your side... for 33 years.. if Im not mistaken... Doing this on your own is tough because you have no one to turn to.. to vent and get advice... I live in a small town in Western Australia... people here know when you pass wind here... so keeping something like this to myself is tough...
His things are packed... and Ive put them in the spare room...
But not knowing where he is.. (Im sure he is at his gfriends place... ) doesn't make it any easier... and.. do I ring his gfriends place and speak to her mum... Ive tried to call his cell ph but its off and Ive even emailed him... but he hasn't answered... he will want to come back... he has no job.. no money.. no car... and the thought of him being a bum... sends shivers up my spine... Thanks for your wonderful advice thou!

I think that as hard as this is, you pushing the envelope a bit will send a clear message to him that he's not going to rule the roost anymore. With any luck he will start communicating in a more mature way, and open up a bit about what he wants to do with his life, and how intends to get there. I know you will be there when he turns that corner.

I wrestle still, with my youngest being 24, how much to hold back, how much to offer. I don't think that we ever stop parenting, or loving them. I think the key is to let them go as much as you can so they become strong and confident.

Please keep posting with how things are going for you. It would be good to hear that he's at least listening to you.

And I also understand living in a small place where passing wind as you said, is front page news! Lol

Take care Balance.

I am a single parent to 3 children. 18,17 and 8.

They have seen first hand what I have done to make a better living for them,I also live in a small town, however,I don't have to live with all those people just my daughters.

The eldest two are in exam years,and both work at the weekend,they pay for most of the things they need,I have thought them to be strong,independent and resourefull young women... when they go to college next year,they will know how to manage money,how to cook,clean and manage their time... they need those skills.

Your son needs to learn those skills too.

Thanks Redhead... I also have 2 daughters and I guess Im very lucky with both if them and Im very close to them as well... My eldest who is 21 lives in the USA at the moment.. and she has just gotten married... my youngest who is 10 is at home with me... and has seen first hand what happens with my son and I... the thing that gets me the most is that my son is just so dam intelligent... and yet he wastes it... but they only learn by there mistakes... its night 5 now... and still no word... Thanks for your advice
Love and Light...

Well Redhead and Jake... night 6 amd he just knocked on the door... He said he wanted talk... but all he did was cry!!
He said he needed somewhere to stay!!
I explained to him that I already gave his big room to his sister.. and that I would always be here to help him... but we needed to talk more and have more open communication... and that while he wasn't working.. he needed to pull his weight at home while I was at work... and that I expected more respect from him and his girlfriend... one day at a time... Crossing my fingers

I think that I would look at that as a little bit of progress. You're seeing some emotion there, and he's had a taste of 'tough love' so to speak.

While you've got him thinking, I'd come up with a concrete plan, or schedule so that he clearly knows what 'helping out and pulling his own weight' means. Get him working! He should be doing his own laundry, yard work, dishes, vacuuming etc.

As to the girlfriend, she shouldn't be around certain days when he has work to do, or she'll end up doing it for him.

Most likely girlfriends will come and go, but what you teach him now about growing up will last him a lifetime.

Good for you Balance, I'd say you've made a big dent! :)

Thanks Jake... but we have a long way to go... as for his girl friend.. she is lazy rude and pulls him down... but that's only my opion...
I think my son and I should work on our relationship before the girlfriend even bothers to comeover... and they have been together for over a year now.
My son does keep his room very clean... and does clean the kitchen if Im running late for work.. he does do his own washing... but it would only be 2 things in a huge machine that I get cross about...
We will talk more as the weeken comes... and taking one step at a time... and I will float in and out... I kind of like that idea of having cyber friends I can chat with :0)
Thanks ladies xx

A practical suggestion.

If you live in WA, and he's 18 then he should be eligible for unemployment benefits.

Once he's on benefits, he'll be obliged, by law to be looking for work or to be in some sort of education and training. CentreLink can help his do this, as they have heaps of advisors.

If you encourage him to do this he may be forced to think about his direction and get his bottom out of the bedroom.

I agree, one day at a time.

Thanks Gemini... but here in WA if your 18 and no working... you have to find a part time job in order to get help... Thanks for that

Good for you, its hard to find the balance in every relationship,and the fight for power.that sounds tough,but as parents we need to hold the power because are children have not learnt enough life skills to survive.

Keep the lines of communication open, and perhaps lay some NEW ground rules for the house,remember your running a home not a hotel!. but even in a hotel everyone needs to respect the management.

Thanks Gemini...but here in WA if your 18 and no working ...you have to find a part time job in order to get help....Thanks for that

He's actually entitled to Youth Allowance, but he has to be "looking for full time work or undertaking a combination of approved activities". (Off CentrteLink website)

I did not see anything on the web site that says he needs to be employed - but going onto Youth Allowance means that he needs to be seeking employment or in study.

From what I read he can be living at home and receiving the allowance, but your income may be means tested.