My step-daughter is nearly 18; I met her when she was 10. Unfortunately, her mother is bi-polar and this young lady's youth was rough. I don't view this as an excuse for her behaviors I'm going to highlight, as my childhood was very similar (blamed for every single problem between me and my two siblings all the way to my mother's problems themselves, yelled at, could never please my mom, etc.). My husband - her father - on the other hand, uses it as a crutch and excuse for everything.
This child had regular visitation with us (two weekends and one full week per month) until the age of 15, where after a 2nd "sucide attempt" (she took only 2 or 3 Welbutrin not enough to cause a real medical problem- I'm not minimizing these actions - she has stated she did it "get back at her mom"). During these visitations, my husband and I tried to teach her all the things her mother never did: the most basic of manners (when I met her, she never used eating utinsels - she ate everything with her fingers; chewed with her mouth open; bossed people around - even strangers; had no respect for others or their belongings, never took baths, brushed her teeth, etc.) We worked with her on these items, but she put very little effort into following through. She moved in with us two years ago. It's gone downhill ever since. She spends ALL of her time in her bed, getting up only to eat (yes, she's overweight) use the bathroom. Despite the fact that we've told her we expect her help around the house, get out of bed and eat dinner with us as a family, bathe daily and do her laundry weekly, she convienently "forgets." She's failed two classes in high school - not because she incapable, but, by her own admission, she didn't like the teachers. I'm a teacher - we're not there to be liked - we're there to teach. Her behavior towards me is disgusting: dismissive. Sullen and rude when we're alone, but falsely friendly when she has an audience. She's manipulative, dishonest, lazy and inconsiderate.
I've discussed her behaviors with her father and he says he'll talk to her, yet nothing changes. He always brings up the fact that she had a rough childhood - I try to tell him he is continuing the disservice to his child by perpetuating the victim role for her (which she takes full advantage of); that she's nearly an adult - she needs to work on the skills that will shape her future life: standing up to diversity and overcoming it; learning follow-through (as it stands right now, if something takes effort - she refuses; plain old personal hygene (she "bathes" more often - but doesn't wash her hair then lies about it) and does her laundry once a month. She takes no interest in social activities - she didn't even attempt to get her learner's license until her father forced her to when she was 17 - she still has shown no interest in getting her driver's license. (most unusual for a teenager)
My husband's "position" is to treat her with kit gloves: he's afraid of upsetting her (because she had it so "rough") - she lies to him and manipulates him into leaving her alone and she always gets her way. I feel a more direct approach (not mean) is necessary. This all came to a head the other day- she had taken food to her room (she's not to eat in her room) again. And as usual, instead of returning the dishes (with left-over food on them) to the kitchen, she hid them under her bed. On the way home from school (let me clarify - because I'm a teacher, she's allowed a permissive transfer to the high school in my middle school district - it's a better school than our neighborhood's school so we send her there) I told her that she's expected to follow the rules; I gave the specific examples (the hiding food and 3 other things she had done) and told her to stop choosing to ignore them. I also pointed out that she had not bathed since Saturday (it was Thursday) and because of that she smelled - she must bathe that night. (No, I wasn't mean about it - rather I said it with little emotion and in an effort not to be seen as attacking). I told her father what I had said to her His response? I'm to no longer say anything to her, just bring her home from school. So basically, I'm to shut up, watch her manipulate and lie and act as her taxi service.
I'm aware this child has some serious mental issues - no social skills, either. We've had her in therapy, but she just manipulates the therapists as easily as she manipulates her father.
I won't even begin to discuss the marital issues here. I'm hoping that someone here has some sage advice. I'm facing the remainder of her senior year and probably two more years due to local college, of watching her manipulate both her father and myself - and squelch my feelings.
Any ideas on how I can work through this situation?

Hello Linrag,

Tough situation you have there.

All I can do is share some of my own thoughts.

I too grew up in a family where my parents had mental problems, the first was denial.

So when trying to understand myself as I grew up I was bombarded with their problems when they deflected them onto me

This made me feel social awkward, low esteem and the inevitable addictions that came out of it, too mention just the tip of the ice berg

As usual I would try my best for my parents seeking that ulitmate approval which never came.

One day I just asked myself the one single question that everybody with serious problems needs to ask themselves

Why am I like this.

The answers that followed startled me and I started to see the world and people in a completely light

Now 20 years on, I feel great about my life, but still struggle with wanting to revert back to my old ways, shopping in the supermarket is a nightmare, as I am still drawn to the junk, but love it when I walk away, chossing the healthy food that I can cook and not just microwave.

And the one sure thing in all of this, Denial can be taught by parents.

Until I realised I was in denial about a lot of things I could never learn to accept.

You seem to be a learned man, who has a calm head on is shoulders.

All I suggest is try to get her to ask herself that simple question.

Sure she will say straightaway, my mother caused me to do this etc as you have said before.

But that is still a denial of the facts.

I can see why you would go down the route of removing options from her path, and being honest regarding personal hygiene

However for someone who is in denial, it will only compound the problem, particularly low esteem

Ultimatly, you can't help some one who can't help themselves, and until she ponders the question "why" she will never improve

One of my answers I came up with was, negative people shine negativity, and above all else you need to remember your own health in all of this

Don't know if it helps, but thought I would share my own experience with you

The situation with your step daughter sounds like the more you push, the greater the resistance will be.

Why don't you take yourself and your husband to counselling first? I suspect that you will need your husband's help, so why don't you both go to counseling under the pretext of learning to manage your stepdaughter's difficult behaviors.

For the time being, perhaps backing off entirely is a potential strategy.

Stop playing the 'policeman'. Let her keep uneaten food in her room, let her stay unwashed, let her act out all her 'bad' behaviors. Shut her bedroom door, ignore it if you can and just watch what happens.

Can she take a bus to school? Let her take some responsibility for getting to and from school, in the company of other people. She may be less inclined to allow herself to be smelly if she has to sit next to someone on the bus.

In time, if things escalate her father may be forced to take some action rather than leaving it all to you. Surely there is a point beyond which even he will not put up with all of this?

Having said all that, she is exhibiting what seem to be clear signs of depression. An intelligent, informed therapist would not be manipulated by her antics. Seek out someone qualified that has experience with young people that your step daughter's psychological background.

Phlanx offered some great advice in all of this. Think of yourself and of your marriage. Your own emotional and mental well being is your priority. Perhaps counselling could also help you with this.