I recently had a casual sexual encounter with a longtime crush.Problem is I have a doting devoted boyfriend whom I love very much.do you think it wise to tell him even though I stand the risk of losing him if I do?

Are you crazy? If you were married I would not support such activities even in today's society where everything goes and morality is completely subjective. Understand that your morality is not his as both of you have developed your own values. If you tell him, you could crush him. Even if he is able to cope and "forgives you", he really will not and will use this against you in the future or use it as an excuse to do the same. The common theme in society today.is .no relations outside of the current one. While I do not acceptor condone premarital sex, if this is your chosen path then as long as you are not married, there was nothing wrong in what you did. Since you do not perceive sex as anything special, then why not share it with other people to whom you feel a bond and would like to take that bond a step further. BUT TO TELL HIM, unless you have an "open relationship" you do nothing but encourage your breakup. My point is very simple; as long as you are not married ( or living together or in a relationship leading to marriage) and you have no moral objection to premarital sex, then what you did is nothing more that you are doing with your current, I repeat, current, boyfriend. However, he will not see it this way so... do not tell him and if your were married, definitely do not tell him.

Are you crazy? If you were married I would not support such activities even in today's society where everything goes and morality is completely subjective. Understand that your morality is not his as both of you have developed your own values. If you tell him, you could crush him. Even if he is able to cope and "forgives you", he really will not and will use this against you in the future or use it as an excuse to do the same. The common theme in society today.is .no relations outside of the current one. While I do not acceptor condone premarital sex, if this is your chosen path then as long as you are not married, there was nothing wrong in what you did. Since you do not perceive sex as anything special, then why not share it with other people to whom you feel a bond and would like to take that bond a step further. BUT TO TELL HIM, unless you have an "open relationship" you do nothing but encourage your breakup. My point is very simple; as long as you are not married ( or living together or in a relationship leading to marriage) and you have no moral objection to premarital sex, then what you did is nothing more that you are doing with your current, I repeat, current, boyfriend. However, he will not see it this way so.....do not tell him and if your were married, definitely do not tell him.


You are intitled to your opinion,however I respectfully disagree with your advice.

May I ask,how old you both are,and if your in a long term relationship?

We are both 23.have been together for about a year.

Does your doting, devoted boyfriend think you two are exclusive? Have you encouraged that thought? If the two of you feel differently about this, the relationship has no place to go anyway.

Now for the medical issue. Yes, you need to tell him so that you both can be re-tested.

you are intitled to your opinion,however i respectfully disagree with your advice.

I respect your disagreeing with me but are suggesting that she tell her boyfriend? And if so why? Do you want to hurt him? I am curious. My views are that certain things should remain private, especially if they will hurt the other party. I may not condone certain actions but at the same time is not my position to criticize

If you hide it,will it play on your conscious?

Are you willing to lose him?

In the telling of cheating its normally one of two things,

1.the person can't stand the guilt.

2.they want an honest relationship,and come clean so to speak.

You cheated,on what you say is a nice man,the whys of it don't really come into play now.

If he is so nice why cheat.

You already know what will happen if you tell him,he will be hurt,you will be sorry,and most likely,although not in all cases it will be the end of the relationship..

The truth always comes out,no matter how hard we try to hide it...

If the roles were reversed would you like to know?

I would.

And I would end the relationship.

Personally I would suggest telling him.

You made a mistake, a big one, and yes he will absolutely be very, very upset. Yes, you stand the risk of losing him but you took that risk upon yourself when you had an affair.

This is not something that will get better or go away with time. All that hiding this will do is eat away at your conscious and actually make things worse all around.

Not only would you have to face having done what you did but you will also have to then answer for hiding if from him, a huge lie by omission.

If you come clean now and let him know you had a lapse in judgement and explain what happened and that you didn't want to hide it from him then while he will be very upset he will at least be able to respect that you were honest about it, a small thing that may help that long road of rebuilding trust.

if you hide it,will it play on your concious?

are you willing to lose him?

in the telling of cheating its normally one of two things,

1.the person can't stand the guilt.

2.they want an honest relationship,and come clean so to speak.

you cheated,on what you say is a nice man,the whys of it dont really come into play now.

if he is so nice why cheat.

you already know what will happen if you tell him,he will be hurt,you will be sorry,and most likely,although not in all cases it will be the end of the relationship..

the truth always comes out,no matter how hard we try to hide it.........

if the roles were reversed would you like to know?

i would.

and i would end the relationship.

Points well written. On a personal note, my wife hid almost all of her past and by a complete fluke, I found out. I almost did not stay with her as the pain even 20 years later is very strong and as more comes out the pain still hurts but less. But if you love someone, one must try to forgive, let's call them mistakes. So did you convince me to agree that telling him is the best thing and just wait for the right moment? Maybe. Thanks

I realize it was wrong but certain circumstances preceding my actions like the matter of me drinking for the first time and mixing drinks should be considered.shouldnt it?

i realize it was wrong but certain circumstances preceeding my actions like the matter of me drinking for the first time and mixing drinks should be considered.shouldnt it?

No

Excuses are like elbows, everybody has a couple

Let's reverse this, let's say this was your boyfriend we were discussing and not yourself?

How woud you feel if he had sex with another woman?

How much would him being drunk influence your feelings and hurt?

Would you rather find out immediately and from him himself or find out months or years down the road, maybe even from a different source?

You shouldn't give him any less then you yourself would want.

Points well written. On a personal note, my wife hid almost all of her past and by a complete fluke, I found out. I almost did not stay with her as the pain even 20 years later is very strong and as more comes out the pain still hurts but less. But if you love someone, one must try to forgive, let's call them mistakes. So did you convince me to agree that telling him is the best thing and just wait for the right moment? Maybe. Thanks

I'm not trying to convince anyone,but simply expressing an opinion,as you did.I disagreed with yours and have no inclination for a debate.

We all post based on our knowledge and experience.. some agree some don't.

I told him the truth one time but on realizing I was losing him I recanted,saying it was a jest.

i told him the truth one time but on realizing i was losing him i recanted,saying it was a jest.

Well, if lying worked for you one time, continue by all means.

Poor guy.

Well, if lying worked for you one time, continue by all means.

Poor guy.

Come on.you act as if you never made a mistake in your entire life.

I regret it but I don't want to lose him.is that so wrong?

Mistakes do happen but what really matters is how you react to your mistake and what steps you take to rectify it.

You can answer to your mistake and try and move forward or you can try and hide it.

Hiding it is not doing either of you any favors. You must feel some level of guilt over this or you would not be asking what you should do. This guilt is weighing down on you mentally and it will only get heavier as time goes on.

For your peace of mind as well as the value of honesty and your boyfriends feelings you need to come clean!

come on.you act as if you never made a mistake in your entire life.

Many many many. And I made some of them worse by lying about them. It's a BAD idea

OK catsmine.I get your point and I appreciate it.thank you all for your contributions.I shall take each one into consideration.good night and keep well.

i regret it but i dont want to lose him.is that so wrong?

What's WRONG is that you are now basing your ENTIRE relationship on a lie.

YOU broke the trust, you OWE it to your boyfriend to tell him the truth and let HIM decide whether the fact that you were drinking mitigates it.

You risked your boyfriends life because you couldn't control yourself. You owe it to him to be honest about that.

Well I think its too late now... the damage is done... twice..

First of all, you had a sexual encounter... Bad...

Then, you told him, wanting to come clean... Good...

Then you lied and said it was a joke... VERY BAD...

If you had been honest with him and told him the truth and dealt with the consequences, that would have been better than lying to him. Now there is no coming back from this, and if he does ever find out, or if you do decide to tell him the truth one day, he will have to deal with the original mistake you made, and on top of that, the fast they you lied to him when you were "trying" to come clean.

I'm sorry, but I don't see this working out for you at all, and I do feel sorry for the guy. He is going to get hurt twice as hard in time... Sorry

i recently had a casual sexual encounter with a longtime crush.Problem is i have a doting devoted boyfriend whom i love very much.do you think it wise to tell him even though i stand the risk of losing him if i do?

It sounds like you're not ready to be in a relationship. If your boyfriend is so wonderful like you say, why did you have sex with another guy? "Casual sexual encounter"? There's no such thing . You cheated on your boyfriend, no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

As far as the drunk excuse, you KNEW what you were doing, so I don't buy it. If I rob a bank when I am drunk, am I less guilty? No, I am a bank robber.

I think you owe it to your boyfriend to tell him the truth. That way HE can decide what HE wants to do. Some people may think that what you don't know won't hurt you, but what if you were walking down a railroad track, and don't know that a train is coming?

Yes, you should tell him, and pay the price. Otherwise, what is your relationship? A big ole lie, that's what.

When you played the game of yes I did, no I didn't, how did he respond? Was he hurt and disappointed like most men would be?

I'm sorry for being so blunt, but you asked for opinions, and you've got to take the bad with the worse.

Put yourself in HIS shoes, what if HE cheated? How would you feel?

I will tell you the same thing that I told my husband when we got married: IF he cheats and I find out about it by any source other than him, then our marriage would be over. IF he ever came to me and said this happened, then I would be willing to work it out.

I tell you that because it is an issue of trust. I trust my husband. He trusts me.

You put yourself into a bad position by getting drunk. You made a huge mistake and put your relationship with your boyfriend in jeopardy. You put his trust in you down the drain even if he doesn't know about it yet. You put your (plural) health at risk.

He needs to know if for no other reason than to get tested for std's.

He needs to hear it from you because if the three of you (plus everyone else who saw you drunk with your 'long-term' crush) live in the same area, he will find out, eventually.

Read some of the other threads on the Marriage, Relationships and this forum. You will find posts by people who just recently found out that their mate cheated at the beginning of their relationship (in some cases a decade or more ago), but it hurts them as though it happened a week before. To them it is as if the trust they felt for all those years was thrown back in their faces and meant nothing to the other person.

You can stay silent or lie to try to keep you relationship the way it is. But you know you broke the trust he had in you and you will living everyday wondering who might put pictures up on MySpace or Facebook or a video up on YouTube and fearing what his reaction will be when he sees the proof. OR you can tell him the truth and begin rebuilding the trust.

At first I thought you should not tell him. My caveat is: Was he using protection and you know you didn't get some STD? As long as you are still healthy in that respect, I would not tell him. Oh, if you are in the USA, you could always ask Dave Letterman. :-) Now it seems we have an added dimension to relationships, even when single. OMG! "What you don't know, won't hurt you," rules in your boyfriend's case, In my opinion.

I don't think your relationship is what you think it is. Likely out of maturity, or lack thereof.

If it was... you not only would not have been flirting with this other guy, much less having sex with him.

PARTICULARLY at that stage of the relationship. It's a whole lot easier years into a marriage after the honeymoon is ancient history and you fart in each others proximity and never think about it.

So if you would do it now... what would stop you from bedhopping later.

Yes you should tell him, YOU were supposed to be in a mutually exclusive relationship. And things do have a way of coming out eventually. Its easier now than to deal with a betrayal you hid for months or years.

Since last speaking with you I have spoken to him and come clean.rather reluctantly as you may well guess.after that he ceased all phone contact with me for 2 days.but on the 3rd day when I had all but lost hope he came 2 my house 2 talk,clear d air and reconcile.I guess up 2 that moment I had taken him for granted never truly grasping what a miracle I had been blessed with.I have 2 say though,that without all of your passionate posts I would have kept it 2 myself and remained suspicious.always wondering if he had somehow found out elsewhere.now we can move on and initiate healing and rebuilding of our relationship.

I am glad you told him. If you both really want the relationship to survive, it will take a lot of hard work and time to rebuild that trust. Try not to get too discouraged if it seems like you are stuck. Keep the lines of communication open and hopefully things will work out.

Good luck.

I respect your disagreeing with me but are suggesting that she go ahead and tell her boyfriend? and if so why? Do you want to hurt him? I am curious. My views are that certain things should remain private, especially if they will hurt the other party. I may not condone certain actions but at the same time is not my position to criticize



I'll answer even though you didn't ask me. If the boyfriend thinks they are in an exclusive relationship she is now living a lie.

She and her boyfriend now BOTH need to be tested for HIV and venereal disease.

It is unfair to her to possibly expose him to a disease and not tell him.

Does she want to hurt him? I see MORE hurt down the line when he finds out he has Herpes or something else.

No one has addressed the morality of cheating in general so I don't understand your "not your position to criticize" statement.

I'll answer even though you didn't ask me. If the boyfriend thinks they are in an exclusive relationship she is now living a lie.

She and her boyfriend now BOTH need to be tested for HIV and venereal disease.

It is unfair to her to possibly expose him to a disease and not tell him.

Does she want to hurt him? I see MORE hurt down the line when he finds out he has Herpes or something else.

No one has addressed the morality of cheating in general so I don't understand your "not your position to criticize" statement.

I don't condone this action. I find it disgusting. I also find the morals of today are NOT MORALS. Most seem to be AMORAL. For this reason I can't criticize. My real position is that sexual relations are the glue that seals a relationship i.e. marriage. This is the privilege of marriage something to build on that only the two of you can share and know that it is only between the two of you; something real special. But today's generation (at least the majority) do not think this way and so I say that today "later marriages" seem to be more economic unions. The marriage thing seems to be disappearing. It is no longer two becoming one but two individuals who are together. In my faith, marriage is a 100% 100% relationship. You give 100% and anything that you get back is a bonus. But for one who has shared her bed with countless others, the sexual relationship cannot make the union as strong. For these reasons, I do not criticize for I may be the anomaly in the equation. The questioner did not ask for my moral opinion because obviously she does not care. I do not believe in giving my opinion to those who a) do not ask for it and b) those who will not listen to my advise.

The questioner did not ask for my moral opinion because obviously she does not care. I do not believe in giving my opinion to those who a) do not ask for it and b) those who will not listen to my advise.



Then why are you responding to me? I also don't believe I asked for your opinion or "advise."

You are entitled to your opinions. You are also answering from the position of a person who was apparently betrayed in some way. Therefore, I do not feel you have an unbiased view of this situation.

I find it odd that your partner didn't tell you about her past, you found it out in some other manner, you are still hurting from the revelation - yet you tell the OP to hide her casual encounter from her boyfriend? So are you on the side of telling the truth or not telling the truth? I really can't tell.

Of course, if the OP transmits some sexual disease to her boyfriend, he'll find out then.

"On a personal note, my wife hid almost all of her past and by a complete fluke, I found out. I almost did not stay with her as the pain even 20 years later is very strong and as more comes out the pain still hurts but less."