Pet Rules...

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

>The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

>The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

>I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think for one second that I will sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort! Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

>For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

>The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

>To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

>To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it 'fur'niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

>Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less.
2. Don't ask for money all the time.
3. Are easier to train.
4. Normally come when called.
5. Never ask to drive the car.
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.
7. Don't smoke or drink.
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions.
9. Don't want to wear your clothes.
And finally
10. Don't need a 'gazillion' dollars for college.

Too funny!

Absolutely Brilliant!!

Especially the 'fur' niture.

That's what I call it as 'some awesome stuff'

I loved the Bathroom part, no matter what they are doing, they hear the door and come running.:eek:

I loved the Bathroom part, no matter what they are doing, they hear the door and come running.:eek:

I wonder, do they think that is the way it is supposed to be since we go to their "bathroom" with them or is it payback for not giving them privacy? :confused:

I really liked those, Just Dahlia! LOL!

Thanks!

Gosh, I just loved all of them but you forgot one naughty habit. Dogs invariably like to watch their owners take a bath or shower. Don't know why.

Also, getting a larger bed is not an option considering most little dogs are really bed hogs and cover snatchers. The smaller the dog the more bed they demand and the more covers they snatch. Whereas the bigger dogs just like to lay all over the person and get it over with and put their head on the pillow to flount their importance.

>To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it 'fur'niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

THIS is getting printed out and put in our hallway!!

I actually read that out to my dog as he was trying to eat the chair!

Id like to add walking in a zig zag fashion in front of you is a hazard! And my feet are not chew toys.

Haha you'll like this one then red...

Doggie fitness program: (I like the very last one!)

You've seen those ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts of contraptions. Well, there's no need to invest in fancy equipment. If you have (or can borrow) a dog, you have everything you need to get in shape now!! The following exercises can be done anywhere, anytime.

Inner Thighs: Place the dog's favorite toy between thighs. Press tighter than the dog can pull. Do not attempt bare legged - dogs who favor shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You could be damaged.

Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog - off the couch, off the bed, out of the flower bed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this exercise is reversed - onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and so on.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1: Remove your puppy from unsuitable tight places. If they're too small for him, they're certainly too small for you. Do it anyway!

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2: Practice not falling when your dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air, and slams both front paws into the back of your knees.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 3: (for use with multiple dogs) Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it stops ringing.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 4: (alternate) For older dogs, attempt to cross a room without tripping over the dog. Get off your couch without crushing any part of a sleeping elderly dog.

Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw the Frisbee. Repeat until nauseous.

Upper Arms: (alternate) Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug the sock. Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up (we all know which comes first).

Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from dog's locked jaw. This exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be quick and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet, which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming clenches.

Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body, hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back. WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bones and small dogs. Have you taken your calcium supplement today?

Calves: (alternate) Run after dog - pick any reason, there are plenty. Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds are inadvisable.

Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmaneuver the canine tongue headed for your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program. A dog is never too old or too feeble to "French Kiss" you when you least expect it.

Good words
Well done

Got to spread the love, Shaz, but I love it. You forgot the "Get out of bed while avoiding sleeping dog sprawled beside it."

I loved those shaz.. I have to say, when a sleeping dog lets off a pungent fart and then gives YOU a dirty look!

Glass patio dorrs, the top half is sparkling clean,the bottom half to the handle is manky with paw prints.

Mucky paw prints on clean jeans.

Barking at every bird,fly or leaf that would dare land in the garden.

A big dog that does that body wag when happy and knocks lamps,small children and grannies off their feet!

Im crying! So Fuunnyy!

Reminded me of this one

How To Give Your Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and apply gentle pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw away T-shirt and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring Fire Brigade to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to miss cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to Casualty, sit quietly while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes remnants of pill from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Call RSPCA to collect cat and ring pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

I enjoyed those

Okay, I'll join in.

Why dogs are better then men.

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.

3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.

4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.

5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

6. Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)

7. You can train a dog.

8. Dogs are easy to buy for.

9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.

10. Dogs understand what "no" means.

11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Okay, I'll join in.

Why dogs are better then men.

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.

3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.

4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.

5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

6. Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)

7. You can train a dog.

8. Dogs are easy to buy for.

9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.

10. Dogs understand what "no" means.

11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Well #4 makes no sense

well #4 makes no sense

LOL! Sure it does.

When a dog is jealous he'll either get between you and the person/animal he's jealous of or he'll growl at said person/animal.

My dogs always fight for my attention. The border collie tries to become a lap dog just so he can push the beagle out of the way. :)

Way too many years ago to mention, when my wife and I first moved in together, we got a rescue puppy.

Everything was cool for a while, teaching the dog cool tricks like how to stay, roll over, all of which was completely missed on him

He knew that he had to do his business in the back garden, if he couldn't wait till his walks in the woods not far from us

On one particular occasion I was tiling in the kitchen on a sunny Saturday day, the dog was out and about chasing who knows what in the back garden

After a while I looked through the window and saw him eating his own poo

I know dogs sometimes do this, but the thought was still terrible and I decided that I really couldn't handle it right there and then and decided to bury my head in the sand and carry on tiling

After a few minutes I heard the wife's voice in the back garden, so I looked to see what was happening

What I saw still haunts me today, the cute puppy who had just munched on his own poo was now licking the wife's face

I didn't know what to do, do I tell her, do I shout at the dog, or do I do the honourable thing and carry on tiling

Well, its off to work we go I thought

After a while the wife came back into the kitchen and tried to give me a kiss

All I can tell you is that after explaining what had just happened, I didn't see my beloved for a few hours, but I did hear the noise of disgust and frantic washing going on in the bathroom

To this day my wife still can't see the funnyside of the story, I am still laughing about it writing this

Ahh, the memories pets can give you are amazing :)