I'm 35 my girlfriend is 45. I am wondering if she "needs to date a bit before we move forward?
is it time to walk away for good?


she was separated from her husband 16 months ago. there romantic relationship ended 5 years ago. her divorce was final last month. we had met online in march. she assured me on numerous occasions that there was nothing left in that old relationship. and at the end of May we committed as a official couple. we had planned to meet June 15. on June 8. her ex professed he dident want the divorce he filed for. it threw her into emotional turmoil. we canceled the trip because she said it had brought up mixed feelings. i allowed her space. then June 28 she broke up with me because she said it felt like she was cheating on me and him. she said she needed to know why she still had feelings for him and chose to let me go so she could see. she called me July 6 and told me that she dident want to loose me and that i was the best thing that had ever walked into her life. that she had not seen or wanted to see him. she wanted to see me. we planned another trip. after 3 cancellations we met Aug 16. she was dealing with mixed feelings from her 19 yr old son about me and he wanted a reconciliation between her and his step dad.
We spent 2 weeks together 11 days were incredible for both of us. her son actually like me a lot her family really liked me we made by anyones terms that seen us "meant for each other" day 12 her son had said the split had hurt him severly and he wanted a family befor leaving for collage. the last 2 days were rough. she completely withdrew. when i got home she called me and said she wasent done with the old relationship and broke up with me again to " see if there was anything left with him." on Sept 2

on Sept 26 she called and said she now knew there was nothing intimate between him and her. they both only wanted to be friends. so i said last time. anything involving someone else and im gone period. we dident make the "big commitment but were a couple. Things were good and she said she needed to find herself back in Aug. I did nothing to hinder that until she said " in order to find myself i was told i need to consider dating nothing sexual just a movie or something" I said if you do I'm gone and she said she wasent breaking up with me but it was suggested that she go to any length to find her and of it meant dating then she had to consider it. I said that can not be an option if she wanted to work on things with me. I'm OK with almost anything else but that any involvement of that nature with men is out. Friend are OK but the rest is bull. She got angry. Said that she wanted her cake and eat it to.
I seen a new guy on her page that showed deffinate sexual intress and lives very close to her. I asked about him and she said " hes a coffee friend and not willing to stop having coffee with him" I said that's more than coffee he wants and he's a resent add to your page a few days. I had a problem with that. She got mad and said she needed a few days. We haven't talked at all in 3 days and I see active conversation with this " coffee friend" in a very sexualy manner and offers to get together for it.. she won't return my calls or emails. I think she has been " dating this guy. I don't know for sure yet but I am going to tell her its him or me. An if she's been actually seeing him I'm gone period!
I need to know if my fears and anger is founded please help!!

She has had enough chances, if she needs to find herself she can do it with out you, you are in the same position I used to be in, you have become the fall back guy... just there until she finds someone else.

She is extremely unstable. She doesn't know what she wants and she has you to catch her if something goes wrong.

You should have left a long time ago, all these chances are giving her security of you always accepting her back. Don't talk to her anymore, it seems to me that she moves on until she's unhappy, then comes back to her comforting spot... until she's ready to go back out again.

She's a big giant red flag.

You are/were her rebound guy. Simple as that. Let her go and do whatever a woman who has been married for a long time and is recently divorced wants and needs to do (i.e. sex/dating). Dating and sexual relations are not a way to "find yourself". This term makes me want to puke! What the he-- does this woman need to find? Her vagina? A new penis? What the f--k, man? Have some pride. She's not the catch. You are.

This woman is unsure of everything right now. This is a fact. You need to just let nature take it's course by getting out of her way and finding a woman who isn't so heavy with baggage. Simplify your life and allow her to simplify hers. She WILL leave you again. At this moment in time she is not who/what you think she is. Your fears and anger are definitely NOT unfounded and they stem from her indecisiveness due to her new found freedom.

The alternative is that you could just get strung around for a bit longer and go crazy. You shouldn't have to go through menopause with her. Let this cougar roam free, buddy.

Too much drama and she even admits she wants her cake and eat it too.

Relationships are meant to be fun , not something that's full of grief and drama , let her do that to coffee boy and find yourself someone who's willing to commit to you.

Too much drama. Too much baggage.

Find someone with less drama and less baggage.

Relationships aren't suppose to be so complicated. It's suppose to be more natural and happy.

While I disagree with the concept that relationships aren't supposed to complex and drama-free or should be always happy, this is not a relationship.

I wouldn't be surprised to find out that her son got his step-father the same way she is stringing you along.

She isn't treating you like someone she wants to be with as a couple. She is treating you like the puppy waiting to fill her need for companionship. Like the puppy, she has found your "currency"-her "promises" and "affection". If you find yourself wagging your tail when she calls, don't be surprised. She is pretty much has you trained.

I would suggest that you leave her to "find" herself and give yourself time to heal from this before you get into a new relationship. Try not to carry the baggage from this time in your life into a future relationship.

I would suggest that you start running, very fast, for the hills.

You've served your purpose as Rebound Guy, now she's moved on to Coffee Guy. She's done with you.

Keep going, faster and faster. Use the exercise to get her out of your system. Don't look back.

Wow unanimous! Thanks for the clarification

It is very clear that she has a lot of issues she needs to work out and she shouldn't be dragging you into her problems.

This is one where "get out while the getting is good" is the best advice.

Just remember that if you want more advice or to just vent, we're here. :)

I gave her 1 last choice she refused so its over and that's my choice

Lol, if she is feeding you the "find myself" line and she is 45 frankly I think she is feeding you lines. I wouldn't stick around for this one. If she hasn't had enough time to find herself after 45 years another 45 isn't going to help either.

I would like to know how a person can look you strait in the eye tell you that you are everything they have ever wanted or dreamed about then want to date, see other people, or cheat? My last relationship ended with "coffee guy" and was the longest drawn out train wreak I have been in a 3 strikes and your out. Normally its 1 and your out. The 1 before ended immediately when that behavior started. The last 3 have been carbon copy's of each other. How do I avoid this type of woman? How do I stop the cycle? I treat woman very very good but am not a "nice guy" by any means. I'm usually very rigid on my boundaries and know how to say no. I'm just tired of the same thing and want to change it. So how do I change it?

Recognizing the issue you have is the first step. Acknowledgment of your contributions is the second. Look at your relationship with your mother and her relationship with your father (or whatever relationship you observed growing up), then recognize the learned behaviors and the conditions/responsibility placed on you when growing up into the young man your are today. Once you figure out what you like and don't like... what you say and what you mean... think before you talk and not talk before you think - you could hold your tongue and process the information before your emotions direct you into committing actions that end up being a undesirable result. It's not who your attracting! It is why? - I am still learning to bite my tongue :)

Why do you think you're a bad guy? How is your compromise? As you know relationships are built with compassion, understanding, communication and of course compromise - even if it isn't a woman but a guy friend.

If she cheated then she cheated herself... you can move on and find better. It is better you find out sooner rather then later... later the relationship develops and continues to do so into marriage and after children and even into old age. The sooner the better... for the future: recognize what characteristics, personality, attributes you value... what you value most about others and what you value most about yourself. Find the Grey area and really get to know someone before you become emotionally involved.

Note: Say yes when you mean it. Say no when you mean it. People might not like it; but at least they can trust you mean what you say and you say only what you mean. Apply yourself honestly in a relationship and be truthful to them and yourself. If you are hurt in the process but acknowledge your contributions to the train wreak... take notes and try not to make the mistake again... next time she could be an honest woman... don't let your past experiences reflect on the next relationship.

People all say that I am so calm cool and collective that its nauseating. They call me mr. freaking composure. I rarely loose my head. I am extremely honest upfront to the point blunt completely open about any and everything. I listen extremely well communicate very well. I firmly believe actions mean everything and words are just noise to distract unless actions and words match. I'm a man of my word and show it thew my actions. That's why I don't understand the fakeness of these woman I keep meeting.

people all say that i am so calm cool and collective that its nauseating. they call me mr. freaking composure. i rarely loose my head. i am extremely honest upfront to the point blunt completely open about any and everything. i listen extremely well communicate very well. i firmly believe actions mean everything and words are just noise to distract unless actions and words match. im a man of my word and show it thew my actions. thats why i dont understand the fakeness of these woman i keep meeting.

Good, so you need someone happy and spontaneous but that can also maintain her earthly composure and be down to earth. Independence is a must. She should also be able to draw out your crazy side and your curiosity.

Need to give every relationship time before you emotionally or intimately invest into it. You should enter a relationship with someone more stable.

Why is this such a problem now days. Is enough ever enough? What reason is there to cheat? None period! Why search for something at all when you have " your dream guy"? I just don't get it. Does anyone else?

It's difficult to understand what goes on in a cheater's mind when you're not a cheater yourself.

There can be many contributing factors as to why a person cheats. I think the biggest factor is that they are not completely satisfied with their current relationship, so they look elsewhere to complete that satisfaction.

But again, there can be many possible reasons. As long as you hold onto your values. You cannot be responsible for the actions of others.

They think the grass is greener on the other side and it never is and I believe in what goes around comes around

I met someone like that and she got emotionally twisted by her son and ex while we were together. It took a wile before I made the commitment then life happened and she decided she needed to " find herself" and chose coffee guy. That's why this 1 got 3 strikes we matched on every level worked together better than any I've seen. This had been the best relationship till she" lost herself" threw the emotional crap she found. I don't understand it at all.

Unfortunately it sounds like you haven't met the nicest of men. I can't speak for every man in the world, but some are nicer than others.

You just have to find them. But I suggest that you back away from relationships until you've recovered from all your pain. When you are ready to meet new people, keep an open mind and make sure you get to know the person well before you get into a relationship.

A lot of couples don't realize what kind of relationship they're getting themselves in because they don't know the other person as well as they thought. Then things blow up in the relationship, but on many occasions, their personality were bound to clash, it's just a matter of getting to know each other better first instead of trying to force the issue.

I will compromise on anything but the involvement with other men, if she like the last seeks a guy out on the net 1 day meets for"coffee" the next. I will not compromise on any thing like that. Just a coffee friend my a$$. Nothing sexual my A## there's sexualy oriented comments on her page from him and his from her the day they met. Bs! Am I wrong here?

i met someone like that and she got emotionally twisted by her son and ex while we were together. it took a wile before i made the commitment then life happened and she decided she needed to " find herself" and chose coffee guy. thats why this 1 got 3 strikes we matched on every level worked together better than any i've seen. this had been the best relationship till she" lost herself" threw the emotional crap she found. i dont understand it at all.

Well maybe you need to find someone "independent" and "stable" but with those qualities previously mentioned. Earthy composure - meaning a bit more grounded in personality, life decisions, expectations, logical and solid backgrounds. Everyone gets emotional but there is a difference if something is going on and if there is an emotional crisis. Try to stay clear of someone with a lot of emotional turmoil and problems unless you are extremely drawn - you can't be the problem solver or the counselor or console partner - enter a relationship on solid ground and understanding.

I agree with I Wish and take some time to recover before you date again. Really get to know someone before you emotionally invest into the relationship... yes intimacy has to wait. Like wine (go figure)... the older it gets (or the longer you wait) the sweeter (the better the relationship) with time... take time.

How about giving us the WHOLE story here, instead of a rant about cheating?

Plus the ages of those people involved, please.

As far as the thoughts that go through a cheater's head, well... there are dozens of threads on here already about it. I cheated once--and while it wasn't the right thing to do, I still understand the reasons it happened. I am, however, sick of trying to defend myself on it, so go look back on older threads if you want answers from some of the people on this board who have admitted to cheating.

If you're not REALLY looking for those reasons, but have an actual situation you'd like advice on, then by all means elaborate on your post.

I'm a 35 year old man she's a 45 year old woman. I thought I knew her and believe I do better than any one the problem is after an emotional trial she doesn't know who she is any more and is acting out on old behaviors. Expecting me to catch her when she messes up. I know her and her behaviors good and bad. And in this situation her worst are flowing and I can't live with them. I do know her and she me but that don't seem to matter she's going to do what she wants regardless of anything and I know that. So I'm gone. I am just trying to understand why this seems to be a pattern.

im a 35 year old man shes a 45 year old woman. i thought i knew her and believe i do better than any one the problem is after an emotional trial she dosent know who she is any more and is acting out on old behaviors. expecting me to catch her when she messes up. i know her and her behaviors good and bad. and in this situation her worst are flowing and i can't live with them. i do know her and she me but that dont seem to matter shes going to do what she wants regardless of anything and i know that. so im gone. i am just trying to understand why this seems to be a pattern.

*Confused* What are we talking about? Pattern with her? Or most of your past experiences as well? What was the duration in length regarding the relationship? Provide more details if possible.

***It looks like you have another post on Adult Sexuality regarding cheating. What is the main issue? Do you want to know why she cheated? Do you want to know how to get past it? How is it we could help you through this? or What is your goal? - To heal or to remain upset as you are?***

Ahhh... here... I found it! Should merge threads or what?

im a 35 year old man. the last 3 cheaters have been 41, 35, and 45 over a period of 4 years. same things happened in each case. some external emotional turmoil and everything went out the window. agreements promises commitments and in every case it was a matter of them finding themselves threw dating or exploring there sexual sides. even tho our sex life was outstanding. they told me that i was there for them always and could not dream of a better mate but are so confused and need to "find themselves"

they all say to there family and friends it was the biggest mistake of there live and wont find another like me and would go back to me in a heart beat. so why cheat? why go else ware? why use an excuse to give them selves permission to do this when they know its wrong and they will regret it? where is any logic or since in this? why sabotage the 1 solid thing they have in there worst time of need when the have someone that is truly there for them? why would you stick your finger into a running table saw basically? it only hurts themselves in the long run. so why even consider doing it?

I'm a 35 year old man. The last 3 cheaters have been 41, 35, and 45 over a period of 4 years. Same things happened in each case. Some external emotional turmoil and everything went out the window. Agreements promises commitments and in every case it was a matter of them finding themselves threw dating or exploring there sexual sides. Even though our sex life was outstanding. They told me that I was there for them always and could not dream of a better mate but are so confused and need to "find themselves"

They all say to there family and friends it was the biggest mistake of there live and won't find another like me and would go back to me in a heart beat. So why cheat? Why go else ware? Why use an excuse to give themselves permission to do this when they know its wrong and they will regret it? Where is any logic or since in this? Why sabotage the 1 solid thing they have in there worst time of need when the have someone that is truly there for them? Why would you stick your finger into a running table saw basically? It only hurts themselves in the long run. So why even consider doing it?

im a 35 year old man. the last 3 cheaters have been 41, 35, and 45 over a period of 4 years. same things happened in each case. some external emotional turmoil and everything went out the window. agreements promises commitments and in every case it was a matter of them finding themselves threw dating or exploring there sexual sides. even tho our sex life was outstanding. they told me that i was there for them always and could not dream of a better mate but are so confused and need to "find themselves"

they all say to there family and friends it was the biggest mistake of there live and wont find another like me and would go back to me in a heart beat. so why cheat? why go else ware? why use an excuse to give them selves permission to do this when they know its wrong and they will regret it? where is any logic or since in this? why sabotage the 1 solid thing they have in there worst time of need when the have someone that is truly there for them? why would you stick your finger into a running table saw basically? it only hurts themselves in the long run. so why even consider doing it?

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/break-pateren-403966.html

The pattern from the last 3 the first was 10 years older and lasted 2 years. The second was 1 year older and lasted 6 months. The last was 10 years older and lasted 7 months. They all went the same way.
1 thing I'm seeing is that when emotional upheaval happened they ran and dident want to deal just hide in something to numb them.

They seem emotionally unstable

Unfortunately, it isn't new. Cheating has been going on for about as long as there have been humans on Earth.

Dreams and reality very rarely co-exist peacefully. Just because a person has their 'dream mate' doesn't mean that the relationship, itself, is anywhere close to a dream.

I don't condone cheating. However, I do recognize that it is a symptom of other problems whether they are internal (for example: self-esteem) or external (for example: mate is never available). Something that everyone should try to be aware of is that there are better ways to handle those problems. Open and honest communication is a big one. Not leaving themselves open to temptation is another.

If a person is feeling any doubts about his/herself or the relationship, getting drunk at a party or becoming close friends with someone he/she finds attractive is asking for even more problems.

Cat I agree with everything you said here. I'm trying to find out how do I change this pattern?

cat i agree with everything you said here. im trying to find out how do i change this pattern?

You leave the situation and allow yourself to heal, before you find someone without all of her issues.

Let her 'find herself' on her own.

More of the story:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/dating-part-finding-herself-402662.html

I want to know how to get past it. How to avoid it. And yes for the last 1 above all others why did she cheat?

She's on her own now. I don't intend on strike 4. I don't intend on giving trust where it has been destroyed. I'm to the point of just finding sex for sex sake and not involving any feelings any more. How could the same thing happen again? With the person I felt truly connected to? How do I change these things?

>Multiple Threads Merged<

shes on her own now. i dont intend on strike 4. i dont intend on giving trust where it has been destroyed. im to the point of just finding sex for sex sake and not involving any feelings any more. how could the exact same thing happen again? with the person i felt truly connected to? how do i change these things?

No such thing as 'sex for sex sake'. Not if you are a man instead of a 18 year old boy thinking only with his penis. Feelings are always involved. Those who say that they aren't are lying to themselves to make themselves feel better about using other people as sex aids. If you don't want a partner then stick with masturbation. Less chance of disease.

You need to take time out from ANY relationships and allow yourself to heal and to be able to move on without carrying the hurt from the past into the next relationship. Not all women are like she was. Don't let her issues become yours.

I've always taken time after a relationship. I'm definably not looking. I follow my gut heart and direction from a spiritual adviser. I'm just tired of spending the time to invest emotions in someone and have it always end the same. I have been more than responsible in my part and have been with only 9 woman for a reason. I just don't know. Maybe I'm searching for myself now.

Threads merged again!!!!

I have found the connecting thread (pattern) of my relationships. Rebounds.
When caught in a rebound (which I hope now I never do again) what are the dos and donts ? What can I learn hear about this to help me avoid them first off or deal with 1 if it comes?
As far as the last 1 I dident see where I would have known until it was too late like 4 months to late. What can I do in any case?

Your on to something, and besides rebounds, there is another pattern you need to know about. You chose partners who are not ready for what you want, and you have very high expectations of them, to be what you want them to be.

Too much, to fast, crash and burn.

Your trying to get a relationship, has gotten in the way of getting to know them a lot better, before committing to them, and expecting them to commit to you. I understand this and it comes from the insecurity of losing someone.

Talaniman Rule- Have fun getting to know some one without expectations, or the burden of commitment.

Talaniman Rule- Date them all, short tall skinny or small, 18 to 80, blind cripple or crazy. Then you won't get fixated on just one and can enjoy being single.

That is your problem, you fall fast, and expect too much from a stranger.

Just me, 6 months to a year will allow you enough facts to see what a person is really like. Also, a balanced life will help prevent you from losing your perspective, on a healthy life for yourself, without falling so fast for someone that doesn't feel the same as you. All new relationships have their best foot forward, and only time can tell if it's the real, or NOT.

Talaniman Fan Here :p!!!