My ex and I dated for about 3 years starting in our 11th grade year, and ending about a month ago, just as we were about to start our second year of college. We made it through one year of going to colleges about 45 minutes apart with no problems, it made our relationship stronger. We were very happy with each other even the morning when we broke up, but in the heat of a fight we decided we should break up, I asked her the next day if we should get back and she said No but that she was open to getting back together, she just wanted to be single and see if this is what she wants. I asked her and all of her friends if it was another guy, or if she was interested in looking for another guy and she said no that was the last thing she was looking to do.

I decided to give her space and we haven't talked for a month, I still don't think she is ready to talk so I'm going to give her more space, but at the same time, I'm always thinking about her. Should I just move on? Or should I continue to give her space and try to get her back after another month or two?

It looks like it's definitely over between you and her, you have been 3 years together and she in college, she most probably wants to see what is out there.

3 years is a long time and it's going to be very hard to heal and get over it but it can be done (I was able to get over it, and she broke up with me horribly). You need to start healing, go out, do tons of sport, meet new people... you will see that your life will get better if you continue to apply NC and take care of yourself.

I too believe it's over between you two. I don't think you want to be with a girl who second guesses having you in her life. Take this opportunity to grow into a stronger person.

I would not try to get her back. I wouldn't plan on it. She wouldn't risk losing you if she truly loved you. Sorry bud

I asked her the next day if we should get back and she said No but that she was open to getting back together, ?

Don't pay attention to this comment as it's a way for Dumpers to ease away slowly , it makes it easier on you at the beginning of the breakup and eases their guilt.

Threads merged.

Does No Contact work when you're friends with your ex on Facebook?

If you don't talk to them or message them, but you can still see their page, are you really doing anything by not talking to them?

If you're trying to go NC, it's best to de-friend your ex on Facebook. No need to continue to see their page and get status updates even if you're not talking to them.

No contact means NO contact whatsoever.

Why would you want to see his/her page? NC is for YOU! Unfriend him/her.

De-friending my ex on Facebook was one of the best things for me

Facebook is a tool to get updates about your ex. If updates about your ex and affects your daily routine because you give extra thought to it, then it's hindering your progress by adding to the confusion. As a result, it's counter-productive to the recovery process.

There are exceptions where getting updates about the ex won't affect the person involved, but why take the risk? If you're going NC, go full force. No point having tools that would hurt or slow down your progress.

That's one of the first things I did when I broke up with my ex. I would check all the time to see what she was up to. She would do the same to mine. Not knowing what she was up to helped a lot because my mind was not wandering.

Breakup + Facebook = Delayed healing.

Facebook = the biggest NC enemy.

No matter how well you think you are doing and how long you have been NC, if you are friends with your ex on Facebook your chances of slipping up and finding something you DO NOT want to find are significantly higher. By de-friending you are at least increasing your chances of not messing up. When it comes to social networking sites, ignorance is bliss.

If you don't talk to them or message them, but you can still see their page, are you really doing anything by not talking to them?

Yes, you are feeding your inner self-pity monster. You'll get mad when girls post on his wall, look at his pictures w/ his buddies and try to find out what he's up to, etc.

It will be devastatingly detrimental to your healing process.

Facebook and myspace are the worst thing for relationships in general. They cause more problems then they are worth. Yes, I have one, but when my ex and I broke up, I got off myspace for a few months, created a Facebook instead, where she followed me and attempted to "friend" everyone on my friends list. Just delete her and block her. It will be the best thing you have done.

I defriended my ex on Facebook. I broke down crying afterwards... but it was one of the best things I did.

Occasionally, he will be in someone's else photo album and that hurts to see him. But you really must defriend...

Threads merged.

My girlfriend of 3 years and I broke up about a month ago, I'm moving on, I feel good, but she hasn't given me closure which bothers me cause I don't know why we broke up, I went the whole month without talking to her, and I asked her today why she broke up with me so that I could move forward and she gets very upset and stressed out?
Why?

Hi, combat40!

What kind of things were happening between the two of you, in the days before you broke up, please?

Thanks!

Hi, combat40!

What kind of things were happening between the two of you, in the days before you broke up, please?

Thanks!

Well, we were both about to begin our sophomore years of college, when I left, she cried and didn't want me to leave, and a fight over something small blew up , and out of spite we broke up, but the next day when I tried to talk it out with her, she wasn't having it, and she said we were done. I figure that she probably was considering the break up sometime before, and so was I, but she never showed it, and when I tried to break up with her about a month earlier, she about had a heart attack and cried and begged until I took her back

Hi again, combat40!

So, I take it that the two of you are going to different schools.

Is that correct?

Thanks!

Yeah, an hour apart, and one of the first things I asked her when we broke up was if she wanted to just date other people n she said no that was the last thing on her mind

An hour apart isn't so bad. Are there any transportation issues involved here, other than time?

Thanks!

An hour apart isn't so bad. Are there any transportation issues involved here, other than time?

Thanks!

No I have a car, and last year neither of us had cars, we took the bus to and from to visit each other, so that wasn't an issue we had a lot of the stuff planned out, but since she seemed so happy and then all of the sudden broke up with me and doesn't want to talk about it I'm confused

It sounds like things were already getting rocky. Is that fair to say? If you tried to break up a month before. And then did you say you walked out? But then when you tried to come back to her she wouldn't take you back? Did I understand that right? If I were in her shoes, I'd do the same. I wouldn't want to be in a committed relationship with someone who kept trying to break things off.

Just from what you've written, I would say that she has some maturity issues and likes for things to be convenient for her?

Do you think that might be the case here?

Thanks!

If anyone needs closure, it is she. You were the one who first talked about breaking up and nearly gave her a heart attack. I'm sure that started her thinking so that when you two had that fight, her mind was on "breakup."

For closure, you need to be honest with yourself as to why you brought up a breakup in the first place ("when i tried to break up with her about a month earlier, she about had a heart attack and cried and begged until i took her back"). Do you want to look around and date other young women? Are your studies too overwhelming, and you don't want the distraction of a long-distance romance? Have you fallen out of love with this young woman, and don't want to put in the time and energy any longer?

I suggest you avoid any further communication with her--for her sake.

It sounds like your relationship was a bit toxic anyway and there could be many reasons she won't tell you , it could be she is just not prepared to talk at the moment or something as left field as she has someone else so doesn't want to tell you for fear of hurting your feelings more.

Sorry to be harsh but it's not her responsibility to give you closure as you are no longer together. You give yourself closure by accepting the fact your broken up and start with your healing by not contacting her.

Just from what you've written, I would say that she has some maturity issues and likes for things to be convenient for her?

Do you think that might be the case here?
I think the maturity issues are his, not hers.

I think the maturity issues are his, not hers.

Hi, Wondergirl!

Might be... but, I think that more information is needed here. Men or women might have different perspectives as to what is going on.

Thanks!

Hi, Wondergirl!

Might be... but, I think that more information is needed here. Men or women might have different perspectives as to what is going on.
He tried to break up with her.
She almost had a heart attack.
A small fight developed that escalated into her saying, "Okay, let's break up."
A month went by - he's feeling good, has moved on.
He (for some reason) asked her for closure, and she got upset.
He wonders why she broke up with him, when, in fact, it was just the opposite. He planted the seed, and is now reaping his harvest.

What other information do we need?

He tried to break up with her.
She almost had a heart attack.
A small fight developed that escalated into her saying, "Okay, let's break up."
A month went by - he's feeling good, has moved on.
He (for some reason) asked her for closure, and she got upset.
He wonders why she broke up with him, when, in fact, it was just the opposite. He planted the seed, and is now reaping his harvest.

What other information do we need?

I understand that by breaking up I probably set the stage, but I mean this is my first relationship, when we broke up, I left her alone and I figured that after some time of no contact we would be able to talk about what went wrong and move forward and maybe become friends, but the fact that she doesn't want to talk about the relationship at all confuses me, and I understand that it might take more time, but she seemed fine talking about anything else but when I brought that up it opened a can of worms

So now you know not to bring it up again.

Besides being friends so close to to breakup rarely works , just gives the dumpee false hope that they may get the dumper back. Hence stalling the healing process.

I understand that by breaking up I probably set the stage, but I mean this is my first relationship, when we broke up, I left her alone and I figured that after some time of no contact we would be able to talk about what went wrong and move forward and maybe become friends, but the fact that she doesnt want to talk about the relationship at all confuses me, and I understand that it might take more time, but she seemed fine talking about anything else but when i brought that up it opened a can of worms
Your big mistake was leaving her alone for a month after you two broke up. If I were ignored for a month, I would guess he, especially a long-time boyfriend, had moved on.

Why would she want to talk about the relationship? What relationship? And you told us you are happy and have moved on. Why are you causing this young woman grief by trying to revive a dead horse? If you talk with her at all, avoid mention of the relationship. Maybe you can worm yourself back into her good graces, but I sure wouldn't trust you any longer.

I understand that by breaking up I probably set the stage, but I mean this is my first relationship, when we broke up, I left her alone and I figured that after some time of no contact we would be able to talk about what went wrong and move forward and maybe become friends, but the fact that she doesnt want to talk about the relationship at all confuses me, and I understand that it might take more time, but she seemed fine talking about anything else but when i brought that up it opened a can of worms

Your mistake is in thinking that real life relationships are like books and movies.

People do not heal at the same rate. There are no set schedules to healing from a break up. While for you the pain of actually saying it is over might be gone or diminished enough to talk about it, for her that same pain may be as fresh as the moment it happened.

She is not responsible for you finding closure any more than you are for her to heal and move on with her own life. You are, however, responsible for opening up the emotional wound again and prolonging the healing.

Why were you going to break up with her a month before the actual event? There is your closure.

Talaniman Rule - You want closure after a break up? Accept its over, and leave them alone.

Anything else is confusion, and false hope.

Threads merged.

Do they ever work?

Following a painful romantic break-up, some people enter into a new relationship almost immediately, often with less-than-stellar results.

Dating too soon after an emotionally charged break-up is known as a rebound relationship, and is almost always considered a bad idea for all parties involved.

A person in a rebound relationship may have great difficulty distinguishing between the old romantic partner and the new one, for instance.
Whenever a romantic relationship ends, whether amicably or painfully, both parties should allow themselves to go through a real grieving process before pursuing new relationships.

In essence, there has been a "death" of a valued relationship, and few people can recover from such an injury in only a few days or weeks.

While the prospect of dating someone new, especially someone who has been kept off-limits during the old relationship, may sound like a cure, a rebound relationship rarely, if ever, ends well.

Another problem with a rebound relationship is motivation. Some people who feel victimized or humiliated by a bad breakup may feel the need to start a new relationship simply to prove they are indeed over the old one.

Some rebound relationships are primarily directed at former partners, either in an effort to generate feelings of jealousy or to remind them of what they gave up. Neither tactic is a particularly healthy reason to pursue a rebound relationship, and the new partner is not always as understanding or conspiratorial as one might hope.

There are times when a person may feel he or she has fully recovered from a break-up and is truly prepared to re-enter the dating scene, but this may be a premature assessment. If a new relationship starts too soon after a painful break-up, the new partner may become little more than a sounding board for all of the negatives intended for the former partner. Constant comparisons to a former boyfriend or girlfriend can be a sign of an unhealthy rebound relationship, as well as the careful avoidance of almost all dating venues associated with the former relationship.

Because there will almost inevitably be a new relationship following the dissolution of an old one, it is important to recognize the difference between a new healthy relationship and an unhealthy rebound relationship. Much like a widow or widower, a spurned partner may want to establish a reasonable hiatus from dating until he or she is emotionally ready.

Personal counseling may also help prevent someone from entering into a shallow or unhealthy rebound relationship until his or her self-esteem has been fully restored.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to seek out companionship following a painful break-up, but you owe it to yourself and your new partner to make sure the new relationship is based in reality, not a ghost in the machine.




Source: wiseGEEK: clear answers for common questions (http://www.wisegeek.com)

Thank you, that makes a lot of sense, I know each case is different, but in a long term relationship, how long should you wait? Months?

Its not healthy or fair to jump from one failed relationship to another as when the new relationship serves its purpose and makes you feel better, your ready to leave and that means breaking a heart that was healthy when you came along, but isn't now that your gone.

Its like going to see a doctor to fix a broken heart. When the heart has recovered, the doctor is no longer needed, so the patient leaves.

Rebounds skip over the all important healing process, where you make adjustments to find your own happiness. Then you have something good to share with others.


thank you, that makes a lot of sense, i know each case is different, but in a long term relationship, how long should you wait? months?
Wait after a break up? When you're happy with yourself and your world. However long it takes.

Its not healthy or fair to jump from one failed relationship to another as when the new relationship serves its purpose and makes you feel better, your ready to leave and that means breaking a heart that was healthy when you came along, but isn't now that your gone.

Its like going to see a doctor to fix a broken heart. When the heart has recovered, the doctor is no longer needed, so the patient leaves.

Rebounds skip over the all important healing process, where you make adjustments to find your own happiness. Then you have something good to share with others.

Had to spread the love Tal , darn rating system :rolleyes:

Love the Doctor analogy!

So in the end, you end up further back than when you started if the rebound relationship fails?

Two failed relationships close together tends to drag on the soul a bit, yes.