I am in my 40's as is my spouse, we both have some health issues, my spouses more so then mine and I am afraid we have fallen completely apart from one another and I feel little hope to fix things :(

This is our situation, a few moths back our adult child moved back home with their wife and newborn baby, this happened after our son went AWOL from army and was discharged less then honorably, in the time he was hiding out from the army bot he and his wife conceived a child, this was no accident, it was planned and expected.

For the first few months they lives at his wife's house but our son had serious personality conflicts with his wife's mother, nasty day to day arguments and our son not doing much to find a job and playing (world of warcraft) all day and night.

My wife offered to them to come live back here with us in our apartment (Both myself and wife collect disability and have a very fixed/limited income) I was none to keen with the running track record of events to let this happen but had little choice. Since they have started living with us our son has had a cyber affair with another woman he played World of warcraft) with lied and tried to cover it up, he also masturbates very often (condoned by wife) and is resentful when I ask him to wash his hands before getting food from our kitchen

Neither himself or wife has shown a serious interest in school, he has the same near minimum job he had in high school and she does not have one and is not seeking to get one, she too has had a cyber affair.

We recently moved to a small house, myself and wife were the main contributors in this financially and basically what we have not is 2 adult children who live under the roof, each have their own private (work rooms) and a bedroom, and myself and wife have almost no privacy at all, noise levels are disrespectful at times. While it has not been a huge issue of late one of them likes to collect dead animals they find for their skulls and bring them home from walks... the entire situation is making me ill

My wife has stated that I complain too much and that if I cannot deal with things I should leave and I am sadly coming to the conclusion that there is little other to do besides go utterly mad. I have several psychological issues, the least is a phobia of germs and being touched and a nervous condition regarding noise.

I have been told by my wife that this is going to be the way things are and she does expect no change for the rest of our lives, I am sick to my stomach and can no longer cope.

Am I unjustified ? I do realize you have only my side of story, but every morning I wake up I think to myself (rats I lived through another night, maybe I will get lucky when next I sleep) Thankfully I am too scared to take my own life, I do hope things will get better but it does not seem likely :(

Jeeze Louise! What an utter cluster F&*(

Yeah, you stepped in it this time.

You need to grow a pair with your wife and adult Son. Of course they don't look for a job... why should they? You've got it all handled don't you?

Probably why He went AWOL... nothing ever happens to him... things are always taken care of.

Listen, Go a few weeks in life where your next meal is not certain and one becomes an adult real quick.

Worried about the baby? CPS will handle it if the baby is in danger.

You are not helping your adult Son in any way and additionally your wife is enabling him in his quest for "Arrested Development"

Grow a pair ? I have complained to the point I have been told (there is the door, use it) I am a agoraphobic, I fear the outside world and my wife knows it. I also still love her and I fear for her well being left alone in this crazy house.

By growing a pair what do you suggest ?

Man, I don't know... But you are allowing all these people to take advantage. I cannot know all your circumstances or nuances, but if you'd like to engage in a philosophical discussion on things, I'm here for you.

You are still the head of the household. Your wife is allowing this adult child to move his family into the house when you are barely able to care for yourselves as it is.

Someone needs to put a stop to this and you are the only one that seems to view it properly.

So yes, I leave it up to you to use your resources in order to correct what is wrong in your house.

I'm not being mean, this is just the task that you need to handle.

So much to explain, maybe I will elaborate more in a post later. If your interested please look back in near future. I may have describe things more. Right now I just need sleep and my computer chair is ready to supply that

Well, as you nod off, know this... you are justified in not wanting this to occur any longer. You raised the boy... he is an adult with a wife and child of his own, they need to move on and start their own little nest...

Well, I sometimes think it is too easy to just say 'grow a pair'... the OP wants some reasonable and sensible advice... he's obviously at the end of his tether and needs to get a number of suggestions about what he can do...

To the OP. Firstly, stop complaining - it hasn't worked so far has it? Secondly, create a plan of action. What can you do to convince your wife that it will be better for both of you - mentally and physically if your son, DIL and grandchild move out? What might you be able to do to assist them to move out - what incentives could you provide for them to get a place of their own?

Thirdly, if this is not possible, prepare a list of rules. Adults living under the one roof need to respect each other and make compromises. You may need to make some and so do they. Ask your wife to assist you to prepare the list of rules and then ask your son and DIL to add to it.

If all else fails, I would then suggest you cut off the money life line. Your wife may well say to you that you can lump it or leave it, but if you were to leave or stop paying for things how would they survive? I am assuming your pension contributes to the overall living expenses.

I do agree with Jham, that at some level, you need to make a stand. But it needs to be well thought through and you need to start dealing with some of your phobias.

You need a man cave, where you can go and hide, that's what I have.

I am surprised really, that the army hasn't visited you, or that you, and the wife have not set some boundaries.

Given your phobias though, I would seriously pull your son aside, and let him know that he needs to do a lot better in seeking his own independent life................somewhere else!!!

Yes a (Man Cave) would be nice, but the only people with a man cave our the son and his wife, myself and wife have a bedroom off what I call the main nexus of the house, the place where all traffic passes to go to kitchen and bathroom. Ans as far as our living room goes that IS the nexus, all traffic passes through that. So in a nutshell myself and wife have nearly no privacy at all.

She does not mind this at all, but I am growing weary of it and it has only been 4 months, as far as talking to our son, I have. He knows this is a big issue but does not change his habits, still works same high school job (near minimum wage with no benefits. Was vaguely offered a assistant manager position but does not want it and the increased hours.

On the point of the army... he has already received a less then honorable discharge, that was a big issue for me and my wife, when he was AWOL my wife wanted him to stay at home and (ride it out) that I did not stand for, so 1 year later then finally arrested him and discharged him from service. He has a IRS debt of a little over $1500.00, and claims someone stole his identity while AWOL and bought a car so he also had the debt of a new car and no new car to show for it... Just gets worse and worse

I enjoy my daughter and her kids, but it does have its moments. As for your son, and I suspect this will be forever in his eyes, and your wife is happy to have them (as is my wife), you really do need somewhere to get away and regroup (garage , TV room) and get some headphones (yes, I have those too). At night, earplugs, and blinders.

Hey I feel for you, as coping with grown children, babies, and an unyielding wife is stressful, but headphones work wonders.

What about those phobias, getting help, meds??

No insurance beyond medicare for meds or visits to a mental health care professional, we just cannot afford it

Your phobias should be covered under mental health.

If you have never been on medicare you know not what they can do, it is very limited, most prescription drugs are not covered unless it is a generic brand, and most anti anxiety or depression medication has no generic. On top of that in my case there is a $ 500.00 dollar spend down each year before they will pay anything, and then even after that they will only pay 70%

Just walking into a doctors office all by itself with no diagnostic is a fairly beefy fee for someone who ends up going to a food pantry (free grocery supplements) before the month ends. And to talk with a counselor or psychiatrist as I have in recent past my co-pay is 30-45 dollars per visit, and once you start to see them it becomes a weekly affair especially if you are on medication

Factor in 30-50 dollars per week for someone who already has a zero balance in bank at end of month

You may think I am being narrow minded and shooting down any ideas given but I have looked into these things.

Then get the ear plugs.

Ear plus are great for the sound ( I have headphones that cover my ears completely, does not do much for folks who make a mess with food in the kitchen and need to be told like children to pick it up, and my wife does not seem to mind this at all. She tells me to just leg go of things, we just got the mouse problem under control where we rent, I think leaving prepared food out and not cleaning up is wrong.

So many issues like that I could mention and still have more, my wife has flatly told me if she needs to choose between me or the (adult children) she chooses them. I am close to giving up all together B(

Join the party, sometimes you do have to let things go, because why get upset? Trust me your not the first man who has had to live with children, and the children's' children, and are always on the wrong side of everybody. Let them handle it, they can you know. You at least do have your own remote, don't you. I even have to share this blamed computer with 4 other people. The bottom line is make adjustments, and don't shake your sons hand, as eventually, he will get it. He has made mistakes, but you better enjoy them while you can.

I sympathize though, as the nice quiet peaceful life you envisioned, and had, has been disrupted. But its not impossible to cope with.

Dazed, I am a bit confused. If there were so many problems while living in the apartment, why did you agree to move into a house with them? Why not just let them get a smaller place of their own?

In the original post you mentioned that your wife also has health issues. Is wanting her child close to her a symptom or result of any of them? Is it something that she has latched onto as a means of dealing (or not dealing) with her own problems and possibly yours?

Cat1864

The decision to move from a very small apartment to the larger house we now rent was made because there was simply not enough room where we were. This place in particular offered 3 fair sized rooms upstairs that was intended to be Bedroom, room for baby (less then a year old) and a spare room for them to do with as they like.

After moving in our sons wife decided to make one room her private (den) type room, a few weeks passed and our son then wanted to take one of the other rooms for his private (den). And the last room would remain a Bedroom for all 3. The rooms upstairs were extra warm in summer, we purchased a air conditioner to make life better for them, but no matter how many times they were told they would run said air conditioner all day and night and NOT close any of the other windows upstairs, even to the point of placing fans to circulate the air from the room with air conditioning in it to the rooms with open windows. That air conditioner long longer functions properly as it was impossible for it to actual cool and de-humidify the room so basically is iced up solid and stopped functioning correct. Multiple warnings were said...

Myself and wife have a bedroom downstairs off the livings room, Sons wife had a problem with our son playing video games all night so at that time it was asked to move the game downstairs (more personal space for myself and wife thus went poof) I did complain and say I think they need to manage their own space better but to no avail.

Our sons wife does not work, myself and wife had hoped when we moved to new place which was walking distance to sons job that she would become interested in earning some money, our sons employer offered her a part time job and sons wife declined, this was not expected, we assumed she would help our son out with paying part of the bill and not be spending so much of his personal money. Also since we have moved here our son and his boss have not been seeing eye to eye on some issues and his pay has been cut back (He was lucky he was not fired)

Myself and wife had hoped he would at least be trying to better himself, for over a month we were plagued by calls from collage's he requested information about, but when they would call he was either not home or too tired to talk on the phone and my wife would just tell them to call back.

The single most annoying issue was my wife saying we would pay more then half of the bills generated from new place so he could save up to pay off his IRS debt, but so far many moths have passed and no money has been saved, these adult children eat out, bring home fast food, grocery shop for junk food, rent video games and movies and so the plan for him to save money to pay off IRS has not worked. 3 times I called my wife on it and all 3 times she has said he will catch up give him a chance, now we are at the 4th time I am being ask to let them catch up.

I have told my wife this is the last time for me, either he follows through and saves the money for IRS or pays a full 50% of monthly bills or I will have no choice but to leave, we have been married the better part of two decades and we have had our fights over the years but now we fight almost every day, mostly about the adult children and I do not think that is healthy for any of us.

As far as health issues go both myself and wife have had some problems now since the start of our marriage. I do not want to leave her, we still laugh talk and have our fun moments, but it seems they are just not enough for either of us. More then once my wife has told me (their is the door, use it) now she is starting to tell me things like (Maybe you all would be better off without me) when I called her on that and asked if that was a threat to commit suicide she just said who cares at least you all would be better off. I tried to tell her that her logic was flawed and that we need some serious counseling but I do not see it happening.

I am very sory for this long winded post. But just thought I would give Cat1864 a little more background B(

The problem lies with you and your wife being a united front, and enforcing the rules. Its your house. They benefit from a divided house.

Sooner or later they will pay the consequences of messing with Uncle Sam (IRS), and they will have no choices in the matter. Rest assured.

Let go of things you can't control (them) and deal only with what you can (you, your attitude, and actions, AND WORDS).

The hardest things we parents with grown children face (especially when they live with us) is the actions our children take, that makes no sense at all to us. We worry, and we press, and it falls on deaf ears, and we worry some more. Let that go and do for yourself, and let them do for themselves the best they can as they need to learn, and fail on their own so they can know better.

I find going about my business, is sometimes the best way, because I was going nuts trying to relay my experience and trying to help, only to be rebuffed, and my suggestions ignored because they thought they were smarter than me. Time tells all, (which is why my own grown child, and her kidS live with me). Matter of fact, its her payday, and I have to collect her "rent" from her, and that will leave very little left for fast foods, Hehehe!!

Its all about how you deal with YOUR attitude, that makes or breaks any situation.

Now keep a band aid handy, for when your kids scrap their knees, in the big bad real world.

After reading all that, my advice remains.

NO ONE is respecting you as a Head of the Household.

Maybe some time alone for them to reflect and re-evaluate how they think about you is in order?. no... way past due.

I'd be looking for a place a I could go that may be temporary and cheap... I'd go there and take all my toys with me. (any finances in case you were wondering)

Allow them to flounder in your absence. Maybe a little wake up call is needed.

Maybe some time alone for them to reflect and re-evaluate how they think about you is in order?. no... way past due.


In my younger days, we used to go "fishing". It was a way to get away from the every day stresses, and get some quiet time to re-evaluate and regroup the emotions (a break)! Now I retreat to the man cave with my remote, and shut the world out for a few hours.

We all need stress relief sometimes. (even your wife?? )