I have been married for five years now. We have got 2 kids. My husband cheated on me while I was pregnant with a very good friend of mine. He was still cheating on me while we got married with the same girl and asked me to keep our marriage secret. I later found out, he left the girl, I forgave him and we decided to work things out. It was good for a while and then after about 2 years he cheated on me again. I still forgave him, but since then things have been rough. We started having sexual problems and I can't just bring myself to have sex with him. It has been going on for about 3 years now and it made him to start being aggressive. He has beaten me up four times since then, the last being 3 weeks ago and has also cheated on me again in the course of it all. Generally, he is a real nice person and I guess he is just sort of frustrated with the whole sexual problems. I have decided this time around to leave him, but most of my friends and family are saying I am making a mistake and that we could still work things out (mainly because of the kids). But honestly speaking I do not think so because I am pretty sure I stopped loving him and I can't really find it in me to forgive him again for his latest transgression. I am feeling so frustrated right now mainly because of the children and if it is the right thing to do. I know they are going to suffer the most but I have really been unhappy for a very long time and I just need out. Please help me. I think sometimes it is good to listen to neutral people and get what they think.

Let me see;he cheats,he violates you,he is abusive but he is a"nice person'???get him out of your life,pronto!It will not get better.Ask your family to help you or friends.Call a domestic abuse hotline!This sort of always gets worse.Do some research about it yourself!Type"domestic abuse"into Google and read what comes up.

After just reading your first sentence, I come to the conclusion that your husband doesn't respect you, he cheated on you with your friend... whilst you were pregnant.. :mad:

Get out, start afresh. That's my advice.
But you should listen to your head and your heart... you know you deserve better.

I have been married for five years now. we have got 2 kids. My husband cheated on me while i was pregnant with a very good friend of mine. he was still cheating on me while we got married with the same girl and asked me to keep our marriage secret. I later found out, he left the girl, i forgave him and we decided to work things out. It was good for a while and then after about 2 years he cheated on me again. I still forgave him, but since then things have been rough. we started having sexual problems and i can't just bring myself to have sex with him. It has been going on for about 3 years now and it made him to start being aggressive. He has beaten me up four times since then, the last being 3 weeks ago and has also cheated on me again in the course of it all. Generally, he is a real nice person and i guess he is just sort of frustrated with the whole sexual problems. I have decided this time around to leave him, but most of my friends and family are saying i am making a mistake and that we could still work things out (mainly because of the kids). But honestly speaking i do not think so because i am pretty sure i stopped loving him and i can't really find it in me to forgive him again for his latest transgression. I am feeling so frustrated right now mainly because of the children and if it is the right thing to do. I know they are going to suffer the most but i have really been unhappy for a very long time and i just need out. Please help me. I think sometimes it is good to listen to neutral people and get what they think.

In my opinion this man is a slug!! He cheated on you while you were pregnant, he was cheating on you when you got married, he asked you to keep your marriage a secret?:eek: What the h3ll was that about?

He beats you and you think he is generally a nice person? I repeat, he is a slug.

You need to leave this slug. Take the children and go. Do not stay for the sake of the children because they will grow up thinking that this is the way relationships work. The boys, if you have any, will grow up to cheat, lie and beat up their women. The girls, if you have any, will grow up and think it is okay for their men to cheat on them and beat them up.

You and your husband are the role models of these children. Children learn by how they are raised.

Get a restraining order so that he cannot touch you again, put his things out, and change the locks. Then run, do not walk, to an attorney.

Some say it gets worse before it gets better... but this doesn't sound like its going to have a happy ending if you stay... you're hurting yourself... if you are truly sick and tired of being sick and tired then you will move on... no one can tell you how to feel or what you should do... only when you are so sick and tired of being sick and tired and you feel like its cutting off your air passage and it has risen up into your throat is when you're going to do something about it and you will not even think to ask for any opinions... only speaking from experience... people will always tell you what they think but if you are not ready you are not going to leave... just think of yourself and the kids... please do what's best for you guys and please don't let them see you getting done wrong believe me it lasts with them and I can pretty much garuantee you one of them will follow that path if you don't get them away from it... they do not need to think that what is happening is correct

I can only suggest leaving. Unless the two of you are willing to go into intense counselling, I don't see any hope for you two. He has beat you up and there is no excuse for that. He has cheated and you have forgiven him, yet he continues to cheat. You are not happy, staying for the kids is not worth it.

Your kids will suffer far more if you stay than if you leave. Do not listen to your family and friends, they do not have to live with him. Your kids will be grateful in the end if you leave him. Do this for them, do this for YOU!

BTW... asking you to keep your marriage a secret is disgusting.

"Honey, dont tell so-and-so that we got married... I dont want her to find out so I can continue cheating on you with her."

I can't fathom something like that actually going through someone's head!?

Anyway, for that and ALL the other reasons you posted, Im with EVERYONE else... leave this lowlife piece of sh*t now!

He's beaten you up four times and your family and friends say you're making a mistake? RUN from this monster NOW and don't look back. Pack your things and go ; to a friend's house, to a relative's house, just anywhere he won't find you if he goes looking. Don't wast another second ; go now!

In my opinion this man is a slug!!! He cheated on you while you were pregnant, he was cheating on you when you got married, he asked you to keep your marriage a secret?:eek: What the h3ll was that about?

He beats you and you think he is generally a nice person? I repeat, he is a slug.

You need to leave this slug. Take the children and go. Do not stay for the sake of the children because they will grow up thinking that this is the way relationships work. The boys, if you have any, will grow up to cheat, lie and beat up their women. The girls, if you have any, will grow up and think it is okay for their men to cheat on them and beat them up.

You and your husband are the role models of these children. Children learn by how they are raised.

Get a restraining order so that he cannot touch you again, put his things out, and change the locks. Then run, do not walk, to an attorney.

Couldn't spread it J but this advice is even better than what I just said. DO you live in a state where a domestic violence complaint mandates an automatic arrest? If so, have him locked up, then while he's in the slam, don't bail him out but do as J says ; put his things out on the curb and change the locks.

I have been married for five years now. we have got 2 kids. My husband cheated on me while i was pregnant with a very good friend of mine. he was still cheating on me while we got married with the same girl and asked me to keep our marriage secret. I later found out, he left the girl, i forgave him and we decided to work things out. It was good for a while and then after about 2 years he cheated on me again. I still forgave him, but since then things have been rough. we started having sexual problems and i can't just bring myself to have sex with him. It has been going on for about 3 years now and it made him to start being aggressive. He has beaten me up four times since then, the last being 3 weeks ago and has also cheated on me again in the course of it all. Generally, he is a real nice person and i guess he is just sort of frustrated with the whole sexual problems. I have decided this time around to leave him, but most of my friends and family are saying i am making a mistake and that we could still work things out (mainly because of the kids). But honestly speaking i do not think so because i am pretty sure i stopped loving him and i can't really find it in me to forgive him again for his latest transgression. I am feeling so frustrated right now mainly because of the children and if it is the right thing to do. I know they are going to suffer the most but i have really been unhappy for a very long time and i just need out. Please help me. I think sometimes it is good to listen to neutral people and get what they think.
Sometimes it is better to move on. You don't need to feel quilty for leaving because you gave him a second chance and that took a lot of guts, and he betrayed you again. There is someone out there who deserves your love and you have a lot to offer.

This so called "man" that you are married to has no respect for women period! He has mentally and physically abused you! I have never been in a situation where a man physically or emotionally abused me so it is hard for me to comprehend why anyone would stay in a situation like this. Now that you may be starting to get back some self-esteem you are thinking logically! That is great. This man sounds like a real (as J_9 says) SLUG!! I'd like to call him worse but I better not.

I don't know why your friends and family think you should give it another shot. You have given this man sooooo many chances and he keeps screwing up. He knows that you just keep taking him back. I agree with the fact that couples (especially with children) divorce too easy. They don't think of the children but... it is not healthy for them to see their father mentally and physically abusing their mother. They will grow up to think it is acceptable. As a mother, you need to let them know that it's not okay! Take action and do it soooooon!!

I agree with everyone who has posted here so... Get out now and if need be call the cops. This will get worse and you and your children are in danger. He should be in jail now.

Leave him the environment he's making is bad for you and most likely worse for your children they may suffer not seeing a dad but at least the won't suffer losing a mom which in term would mean losing both parents.

I agree with your friends that you should think about your childrends situation, if you can stay then stay, broken family can cause a descrimination with your kids. Just think about this your husband is the guitar he plays it every time all you have to do is to dance to the tune" Anyway on the other hand if you can support your kids and you are stable enough to do it then leave him alone! you got 2 choices then...................
Just an advice " Pray for your husband"!

Yeah you deffinately should not have to put up with any man abusing you in any way and even though your children are young and have no clue what is going on other than mommy and daddy are not together but once they get older they will understand my mother has put up with my father sexually, mentally, physically , and emotionally abusing her for about twenty years and finally she said enough and she left him and if you are unhappy you shouldn't be there PERIOD!

Hey guys, thank so much for the advice. It has helped a lot and I am sure you re all right in everything. I already talked to him about the separation, he is all right with that but he doesn't want me to take the children. You see he is German and I am African and he has so much advantage if we have to go to the courts to claim the children. He claims I don't have evidence that he actually beat me up, I am not working and I will have no means of taking care of the kids. Right now I am so confused, I don't want to leave my kids. I saw a lawyer and she also told me if I don't have no proof of domestic abuse, then my chances are slim. All I have are friends whom I told each time he did it, and once a friend of his was around but I am not sure he would testify in my favor. I already asked him and he said he doesn't wants to get involved. I am really at the end of it all.

Doesn't he have to pay child support or some sort of maintanence for the kids? Does he move out or do you have to go?

Oh how I really feel for you... you are correct about his advantage. But don't let that get you down... if there is one thing I can tell you my sista is to keep your head up and know that it will work out.. if you have to get you some kind of employment to show you can take care of you and the kids... the next time he tries to argue what ever try to get it on tape.. take pictures.. or betta yet call the police the next time that way you will have a police report... steer clear of him... if you have to walk on eggshells then do so just long enough for you to do what's needed. Believe me I've been through every type of abuse imaginable by the hands of my children's father... there is someone out there for you... but right now.. focus on you and your kids and please do not leave your kids... there's too much help out here he just can't get away with it like they use too... start speaking up and telling anyone who will listen if need be... I will definitely keep you in my prayers... YOU CAN DO THIS!!

Thanks again. Well since I am the one who wants the separation, then I have to be the one to move out, that is only if he wilfully accepts to move- which he has refused of course. He can also only pay child support if the kids move with me.

He only wants to control you by threatening to take the kids.Contact a women's abuse hotline in your area.They will help you and advise you on your next steps to take.

He has beaten me up four times since then, the last being 3 weeks ago and has also cheated on me again in the course of it all. Generally, he is a real nice person and i guess he is just sort of frustrated with the whole sexual problems. .

First of all... generally he is not a nice person if he treats you like this... It is NEVER OK to beat a women, and you saying that it is because he is frustrated with the whole sexual problems is only making excuses for him...

I suggest that you leave him, but seeing as this has been going on for years, I don't see that happening... maybe try getting in touch with a abuse hotline, or looking into shelters where you can go?

I don't have much more to say , other then get out! Get out before his physical abuse/emotional abuse gets worse...

Good luck

If you do leave 1. make sure you take the children with you to a safe place, if you leave them with him you will be charged with abandoment 2. if you plan to divorce the next time he beats you call the police and get a report= it will more than likely get you sole custody- I did not file a report and my attorney told me at the time I could not claim he beat me it would just be "hear say". If I had a report as proof, it would have gone along way in divorce court. 3. if you do not leave and he beats you and some how CPS gets involved they might charge you with being an unfit mother because you did not take them out of an abusive environment and that you were not capable of making a good judgement to leave and save the children.

I know it is hard when a man cheats. It is even harder to try to have sex with him when he is being so gross with other women. If you do leave make sure you take some extra cash with you and take the kids.

First of all I agree with all these postings. You need to value yourself and your kids. I know at times, at night mostly, when I feel hurt with something that has happened between my husband and I... I will ponder the door and think "what the hell is keeping me here"... and I remember that it's my kids. I don't need to leave because my husband will listen to me when the dust settles. He is not abusing me.

My sister went through a similar situation as you with one child in the picture. It took her a while to leave but with enough support and a moment where she was beaten so bad we thought she was in serious condition... she left. Never looked back.

You need to listen to your dying soul. Your husband is stirring the dust and watching you squirm. He is not a man... a man is to protect and cherish his wife (there is this type of man out there). He is not respecting you or you little ones. You have reason to leave... big time. Protect you kid's eyes, ears, hearts and souls. And don't forget you... I am proud of you and I know you can be strong.

If it makes you feel better... (certainly not to preach) the bible clearly says that a man and woman should stay married forever... thick and thin etc... UNLESS one is sleeping around and being unfaithful. So release yourself... apparently if God thinks it's okay then who are you fooling or trying to please?? Please don't allow yourself to get beaten up to the point of no return... love yourself, you are a princess.

I would suggest having a plan to leave to a place that is safe... you never know what may happen if he gets really really angry if he knows you are threatening to leave and he sees some steps finally coming to fruition. This was the time my sister was hurt the worst. Get lots of support and back up support. You can do it, you are made woman, and we women are strong! Don't stand in our way, we are resourceful and clever and we can do anything.

If you do leave 1. make sure you take the children with you to a safe place, if you leave them with him you will be charged with abandoment 2. if you plan to divorce the next time he beats you call the police and get a report= it will more than likely get you sole custody- I did not file a report and my attorney told me at the time I could not claim he beat me it would just be "hear say". If I had a report as proof, it would of gone along way in divorce court. 3. if you do not leave and he beats you and some how CPS gets involved they might charge you with being an unfit mother because you did not take them out of an abusive environment and that you were not capable of making a good judgement to leave and save the children.

I know it is hard when a man cheats. It is even harder to try to have sex with him when he is being so gross with other women. If you do leave make sure you take some extra cash with you and take the kids.


Do all these things... lots of wisdom here!! My sister did not get full custody.

You can't get anywhere looking over your shoulder Go and have agood life w/o this man!

Yes you need to leave this man now!! The next time he beats you, you may not be around to leave and take the kids!! Then they will be stuck with that animal for the rest of their growing years. Think what that will do to them. :eek:

Leave Him Leave Him Leave Him Leave Him Leave Him Leave Him



Ps Leave Him!

Through the eyes of your children, They see:

You... being beaten. You being... disrespected... and the worst kind of role model, an extremely unhealthy man with many many issues.

It's time to call someone, shelters, domestic abuse hotline. It's time to take control of your life and your children's and change the things their eyes and minds are viewing. If you waiver and wonder if leaving is the right thing to do, take a second and look at your children and want better for them. Not only do you deserve so much better and do have a choice, your children are counting on you to make the right choice, the one that will keep the safest and in the healthiest of environments.

I know this must be scary, and there are probably more questions than answers, but take that step and be sure that when you are ready to leave that you have protection so that it is safely done. If that means calling the police and having them be there while he leaves or you and your children leave, than that is what it means.

I am sure the Domestic Abuse Agency in your local area would give you the best guidance on how to do all of this quickly and safely.

I personally agree with Allheart above. If you are being mistreated to the extent of physical abuse it is something to be reported.

Unless you feel that it will further complicate issues for you.
But one this is for sure, get out of there girl.

Even if you and your family are worried about the children, sticking it out with an abusive husband will only make it worse on them.

I would have advised you to go in for couple therapy but from my judgement this has gone beyond the scope of reason.

Is it possible for you to have a conversation with him without it getting ugly? Can he handle a logical, non-threatening discussion? Can you talk to him about things like separation, logistics, children's future plans etc?

If you think he cannot handle it in a civilized manner, please call for help.

And if he hits you again, dial 911. Please.

I just saw your later posts as well. I see you have spoken to your husand about separation and do seem to have a disadvantage with the children. I think a Women's helpline is a good idea and they'll be better advisors than any of us.

If it looks like there isn't much going in your favor, can you work out an arrangement with your husband? If not, while you are there, try getting a job or a qualification if you need it. You'll have to shift your focus to becoming emotionally and financially independent.

And while you do so, please pray for your own strength and wisdom and for the happiness of your family.

Sweetie, you don't need a jerk like that!! Get some help and get out now before it only gets worse. Like everyone here is telling you, believe me, it will get better once he is out of your life. As for the children, it will also be better for them before they get bitter by what they see and hear. Good luck and be careful.

Yes your children might be unhappy for a while if you leave their dad, but think about the long run, they will be very unhappy to see their father beat their mother. And seeing something like that happen will scar them forever.
The thing about forgiving cheaters is you will forgive it so many times he will start to do it more as he has the excuse that all he has to do is say he's sorry and you will forgive him, why should he stop if you keep forgiving him? A wee slap on the wrist every now and then isn't going to make him stop, in the end he will lose so much respect for you it won't matter to him who he sleeps with, all that will matter is he can do it and get away with it.
OK... you have been together five years, he should be mature enough to understand the fact that you could not bring yourself to sleep with him after what he did, I know, I have been there, and I can tell you that the first time sleeping with a man that has cheated is hard, for me it was in my head what he did with her, did he kiss her, did he do it with her like he did it with me etc, he should understand that.
But on the other hand, and I'm not getting at you so please try to understand me... if you agreed to forgive him for the cheating the first time round, forgiving should mean just that, you cannot forgive him, then put a hold on sex.. yes maybe for a while until you get used to it, but to deny him for all that time is wrong AFTER you have forgiven him.
Again, after saying that, he has no right to hit you, ever. He should have told you that the lack of sex was a problem for him instead of using his fists.
Leave him, there are better men out there who won't beat you or punish you for something they have done.

I have been married for five years now. we have got 2 kids. My husband cheated on me while i was pregnant with a very good friend of mine. he was still cheating on me while we got married with the same girl and asked me to keep our marriage secret. I later found out, he left the girl, i forgave him and we decided to work things out. It was good for a while and then after about 2 years he cheated on me again. I still forgave him, but since then things have been rough. we started having sexual problems and i can't just bring myself to have sex with him. It has been going on for about 3 years now and it made him to start being aggressive. He has beaten me up four times since then, the last being 3 weeks ago and has also cheated on me again in the course of it all. Generally, he is a real nice person and i guess he is just sort of frustrated with the whole sexual problems. I have decided this time around to leave him, but most of my friends and family are saying i am making a mistake and that we could still work things out (mainly because of the kids). But honestly speaking i do not think so because i am pretty sure i stopped loving him and i can't really find it in me to forgive him again for his latest transgression. I am feeling so frustrated right now mainly because of the children and if it is the right thing to do. I know they are going to suffer the most but i have really been unhappy for a very long time and i just need out. Please help me. I think sometimes it is good to listen to neutral people and get what they think.
I don't understand why you are confused? He committed adultery- breaking your wedding vows, betrays you again with a friend, physically hits you... and you are asking if you should stay for more of the same? I know you know the answer already. Have some respect for yourself. Don't let your children learn that this is normal behavior and grow up to do the same things to their families. You are a mother, and with that title comes responsibility. Look what you are doing to them! You have a responsibility to those children, it's time to step up to the plate and do the right thing. Get out.

Yeah that's some BS he's some tohide th marriage your suppose to be his queen not his sole girl email me I'll show u how 2 fx him lol

Do not go to counseling, do not listen to family members that say stay for the children. You are teaching the kids a very horrible lesson. If you do not leave you will end up severely injured or god forbid dead. Then your kids will be left with that monster. If you have any love for your kids you will leave immediately. Don't worry about money bills or his feelings just leave. You also need some therapy to see why you allowed this to happen to you in the first place, because if you think about it he has never been good to you yet you stayed. Defend yourself by any means necessary if need be. HE NEVER LOVED YOU!! So don't let him fool you now

Get out as fast as you can. It looks like you know what the right thing to do is but you want some reassurance. Yes, you are doing what's best. As far as the kids go, it will actually be better for them if you leave. This way they will see that it's not OK for women to get hit, it's not OK to cheat... They can still have a good relationship with the father as long as he makes an effort to stay connected to them. Get out now and start a new life with those beautiful children. You and the kids deserve better.