frostybabygurl
Sep 25, 2009, 12:05 PM
This is a lengthy post, I apologize in advance.
My mother has never really been there for me, for as long as I can remember, she has always put whatever man was in her life ahead of me. She always acted more like a bestfriend (never doling out punishments) than a mom. My parents didn't get along and divorced when I was 10, my mom moved out and left me with my dad. My dad and I didn't get along so well, I used to think my mom was so great because she never gave me trouble and let me do whatever I wanted, which lead to me pretty much hating my dad because he was the total opposite of her. In any event, after having a huge fight with my dad, I ran away from home. My dad called the police and put out flyers, he put one on my moms car and she thought it was a huge joke, she never even helped them (my dad's family) look for me. Jump ahead 3 months and my dad had committed suicide. Rather than my mom raising me, she handed custody over to my aunt (dad's sister). Once I moved in with my aunt and grandparents, I pretty much never saw my mom, she wouldn't call their house to talk to me and refused to come and see me, she always wanted to meet me somewhere else because she said they didn't like her. I can't tell you how many times my mom stood me up when she was supposed to meet me, I would wait for hours for her and never see her. The last time I stayed with my mom for a weekend was before my dad killed himself. By the time I started highschool, my mom had moved into a new place and refused to give me the address, so I never even saw where she had moved to. My mom had also been dating someone for quite sometime, she told me how he was so wonderful blah blah blah, but that because he was catholic his family did not believe that he should be dating a divorced mother because it was against their religion, she eventually wound up marrying him (12 years later) and I was never introduced to his family, in the last 17 yeasr I've been around him maybe 10 times if that. Now by the time I was 18 I had moved out of the house and gotten pregnant and married, my mom was my maid of honour and said she supported my decision to get married. She came around fairly regularly probably once a month. Now growing up I had always wanted a sibling to play with and talk to, My mom decides that she wants to have another baby, by this time she is already a grandmother, so 1 month before my daughter turns 6, my mom gives birth to my sister via IVF. My husband and I divorced the following year and I moved to my own place with my daughter coming to live with me 9 months later. My mom tried to be supportive as best she could. So anyways... last year I found out I was pregnant, big surprise to me as I had just lost my job. In any event I was happy. My mom on the other hand was not, she wanted to have another baby and it turns out she can't. Everytime I tried to talk to her about how my pregnancy was going or how excited my daughter was about being a big sister she would go back to how unfair it was that she couldn't have anymore. It was always about her and her problems. January was the last time that I spoke with her via email, I figured she could call me if she wanted to chat. I never heard from her after that. I assume she is unaware that she has a grandson, probably doesn't know when he was born or anything.
Looking back I'm surprised I even tried to have a relationship with her. Throughout most of my life she has made it a point to tell me that I was a mistake (she gave up an art scholarship to have me), she told me that my father never wanted me and that the only reason he married her was because she was pregnant with me. She never said these things when we argued, there were always just said in a calm tone during a regular conversation.
Now she is treating my daughter the same that she treated me, making false promises about visits, sleepovers, outings, things that she never follows through on. I haven't spent a christmas or birthday with my mom since I was 11 or 12, so that's like 18 years. For awhile after my daughter was born, my mom kept saying how it was hard for her to be around her because she desperatey wanted another baby. Like I said, it's always about her and how she feels.
Her boyfriend (current husband) refused to marry her until she became pregnant, who knows maybe that was her motivation behind wanting another child. Like I said I was 25 when my sister was born.
Whenever I used to call her, her boyfriend/husband used to answer the phone and say he'd been reminding her for weeks to call me but she was too tired or she forgot. How do you forget your child? How can you not spare 5 minutes to call your child?
My aunt has been a great mom to me, she never had children of her own, so she's always treated me as her daughter. She calls me everyday to see how I'm doing, she asks abotu the kids, I see her often, usually 1-2 times a week. My aunt is a busy woman, she works fulltime at the hospital, she takes care of my last living grandparent yet she still finds time for us.
My mother lives just outside of town, she doesn't work, she's a stay at home mom. I moved and didn't bother to give her my new phone and address since the last time I called to speak to her (4 months ago) she refused to talk to me, her husband came on and told me what a horrible daughter I was, how I only contacted her when I needed something (let me be clear that I have only asked my mom for 2 things in the last 11 years, to borrow $50 one time and to watch my daughter 1 time while I went to court for custody). He then preceded to say that I had made so many stupid choices in my life and how I had hurt my mom by having another baby. I yelled at him about how she thinks I'm a big mistake but she spent thousands trying to have my sister, his only responce was she didn't pay for it, he did. I was 3 weeks away from giving birth to my son and he's yelling at me, I was in hysterics and hyperventilating from all the crying. I mean my dad killed himself and my mom doesn't want me. That's alot to handle, and I alwasy said I was fine without her, but it's hard, and I know I have my aunt, and I'm so thankful for her, but I just don't understand what's wrong with me. How come I'm not good enough for her to love me?
Last night was the worse. My aunt called me as always to see how I was feeling and to find out how my daughters day at school was, just out of the blue she asks if I've heard from my mom (email), I was like no, she doesn't want to talk to me. My daughter says in the background " Oh you're talking about Nana." So I handg up the phone and my daughter just says "don't worry mommy, Nana isn't mad at you, she hates me and doesn't want to be a part of my life and that's why she doesn't come around anymore." I almost burst into tears, first of all because I was so angry that my mom made her feel that way and secondly I just felt horrible that she felt those things at all. Needless to say I spent the next 30 minutes explaining to her that it had nothing to do with her, and that it wasn't her fault. Her responce "I feel sorry for Brady (baby brother)." I was like " I feel sorry for you, Brady doesn't know Nana, he's never even met her, but you do and I'm sorry that she's choosing to not be a part of our lives."
It was bad. I just don't understand. In all honesty I think that even if my mom wanted to be a part of our lives I wouldn't let her in, there has been far too much hurt and I refuse to allow her to make my children feel unimportant and unworthy of her love and time.
She is the one who is losing out on being a grandmother and experiancing all of the wonderful joy, excitement and love that my children have to offer.
I don't know if I'm looking for advice or just venting, maybe an outside point of view.
My mother has never really been there for me, for as long as I can remember, she has always put whatever man was in her life ahead of me. She always acted more like a bestfriend (never doling out punishments) than a mom. My parents didn't get along and divorced when I was 10, my mom moved out and left me with my dad. My dad and I didn't get along so well, I used to think my mom was so great because she never gave me trouble and let me do whatever I wanted, which lead to me pretty much hating my dad because he was the total opposite of her. In any event, after having a huge fight with my dad, I ran away from home. My dad called the police and put out flyers, he put one on my moms car and she thought it was a huge joke, she never even helped them (my dad's family) look for me. Jump ahead 3 months and my dad had committed suicide. Rather than my mom raising me, she handed custody over to my aunt (dad's sister). Once I moved in with my aunt and grandparents, I pretty much never saw my mom, she wouldn't call their house to talk to me and refused to come and see me, she always wanted to meet me somewhere else because she said they didn't like her. I can't tell you how many times my mom stood me up when she was supposed to meet me, I would wait for hours for her and never see her. The last time I stayed with my mom for a weekend was before my dad killed himself. By the time I started highschool, my mom had moved into a new place and refused to give me the address, so I never even saw where she had moved to. My mom had also been dating someone for quite sometime, she told me how he was so wonderful blah blah blah, but that because he was catholic his family did not believe that he should be dating a divorced mother because it was against their religion, she eventually wound up marrying him (12 years later) and I was never introduced to his family, in the last 17 yeasr I've been around him maybe 10 times if that. Now by the time I was 18 I had moved out of the house and gotten pregnant and married, my mom was my maid of honour and said she supported my decision to get married. She came around fairly regularly probably once a month. Now growing up I had always wanted a sibling to play with and talk to, My mom decides that she wants to have another baby, by this time she is already a grandmother, so 1 month before my daughter turns 6, my mom gives birth to my sister via IVF. My husband and I divorced the following year and I moved to my own place with my daughter coming to live with me 9 months later. My mom tried to be supportive as best she could. So anyways... last year I found out I was pregnant, big surprise to me as I had just lost my job. In any event I was happy. My mom on the other hand was not, she wanted to have another baby and it turns out she can't. Everytime I tried to talk to her about how my pregnancy was going or how excited my daughter was about being a big sister she would go back to how unfair it was that she couldn't have anymore. It was always about her and her problems. January was the last time that I spoke with her via email, I figured she could call me if she wanted to chat. I never heard from her after that. I assume she is unaware that she has a grandson, probably doesn't know when he was born or anything.
Looking back I'm surprised I even tried to have a relationship with her. Throughout most of my life she has made it a point to tell me that I was a mistake (she gave up an art scholarship to have me), she told me that my father never wanted me and that the only reason he married her was because she was pregnant with me. She never said these things when we argued, there were always just said in a calm tone during a regular conversation.
Now she is treating my daughter the same that she treated me, making false promises about visits, sleepovers, outings, things that she never follows through on. I haven't spent a christmas or birthday with my mom since I was 11 or 12, so that's like 18 years. For awhile after my daughter was born, my mom kept saying how it was hard for her to be around her because she desperatey wanted another baby. Like I said, it's always about her and how she feels.
Her boyfriend (current husband) refused to marry her until she became pregnant, who knows maybe that was her motivation behind wanting another child. Like I said I was 25 when my sister was born.
Whenever I used to call her, her boyfriend/husband used to answer the phone and say he'd been reminding her for weeks to call me but she was too tired or she forgot. How do you forget your child? How can you not spare 5 minutes to call your child?
My aunt has been a great mom to me, she never had children of her own, so she's always treated me as her daughter. She calls me everyday to see how I'm doing, she asks abotu the kids, I see her often, usually 1-2 times a week. My aunt is a busy woman, she works fulltime at the hospital, she takes care of my last living grandparent yet she still finds time for us.
My mother lives just outside of town, she doesn't work, she's a stay at home mom. I moved and didn't bother to give her my new phone and address since the last time I called to speak to her (4 months ago) she refused to talk to me, her husband came on and told me what a horrible daughter I was, how I only contacted her when I needed something (let me be clear that I have only asked my mom for 2 things in the last 11 years, to borrow $50 one time and to watch my daughter 1 time while I went to court for custody). He then preceded to say that I had made so many stupid choices in my life and how I had hurt my mom by having another baby. I yelled at him about how she thinks I'm a big mistake but she spent thousands trying to have my sister, his only responce was she didn't pay for it, he did. I was 3 weeks away from giving birth to my son and he's yelling at me, I was in hysterics and hyperventilating from all the crying. I mean my dad killed himself and my mom doesn't want me. That's alot to handle, and I alwasy said I was fine without her, but it's hard, and I know I have my aunt, and I'm so thankful for her, but I just don't understand what's wrong with me. How come I'm not good enough for her to love me?
Last night was the worse. My aunt called me as always to see how I was feeling and to find out how my daughters day at school was, just out of the blue she asks if I've heard from my mom (email), I was like no, she doesn't want to talk to me. My daughter says in the background " Oh you're talking about Nana." So I handg up the phone and my daughter just says "don't worry mommy, Nana isn't mad at you, she hates me and doesn't want to be a part of my life and that's why she doesn't come around anymore." I almost burst into tears, first of all because I was so angry that my mom made her feel that way and secondly I just felt horrible that she felt those things at all. Needless to say I spent the next 30 minutes explaining to her that it had nothing to do with her, and that it wasn't her fault. Her responce "I feel sorry for Brady (baby brother)." I was like " I feel sorry for you, Brady doesn't know Nana, he's never even met her, but you do and I'm sorry that she's choosing to not be a part of our lives."
It was bad. I just don't understand. In all honesty I think that even if my mom wanted to be a part of our lives I wouldn't let her in, there has been far too much hurt and I refuse to allow her to make my children feel unimportant and unworthy of her love and time.
She is the one who is losing out on being a grandmother and experiancing all of the wonderful joy, excitement and love that my children have to offer.
I don't know if I'm looking for advice or just venting, maybe an outside point of view.