My husband had what you call an emotional affair with his X of 25 years ago.
When I found out it had been going on for 3 months. Every day 10 to 20 messages.
After lots of trying t blame me for a bad marriage he decided to stay and "see" if e could save this.
I changed over night from a fairly strong person to his slave. I wanted to do everything right.
Well a year has gone by and we are getting on better than ever before. However, I feel drained, sad and incomplete. I never dare ask anything anymore and he has never explained why he did this or if he ever really gave up all contact ( she lives miles away )
This is not great even though we are getting on better now than ever.
My dilemma is that I am scared to lose him if I approach the subject. But my own feelings are now beginning to get affected. For the first time I see what he really is and he is not too affectionate. He never tells me he loves me and he never writes me nice notes. Sex is great but everything round it is matter of fact. The only difference is he cuddles me tight all night and never lets go.
Why do I feel so down . Has anyone else experienced something similar?

How old are you both? Are there children involved, and could your pregnancy scare be affecting your moods?? How long have you been married and is this your first??

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/pregnancy-new-motherhood/home-preg-test-shows-neg-stil-late-10days-399098.html

If your life is false because you are living in fear,you are not really living for yourself at all.

You can't be at someone's beck and call and forget who you are in the process.

Men and women both leave partners everyday that are beautiful giving great people.

If someone is going to leave no amount of worrying or actions are going to stop them.

You can't force love to stay when it is gone and if it's there you can't force it away.

It just is.

If he loves you ,he will love you without you kissing his behind.

You need to ask yourself when you gave up loving yourself just to be loved by him.

It's a sad commentary on your faith in your relationship that you have had to give up you in order to have him.

I would seriously think about that.

How old are you both?? Are there children involved, and could your pregnancy scare be affecting your moods??? How long have you been married and is this your first???

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/pregnancy-new-motherhood/home-preg-test-shows-neg-stil-late-10days-399098.html

We are not so young but it is amazing how infidelity can screw you up at any age. You act in ways you can only imagine when trying to save something. We have been married for 24 years. Children at this age is debatable and contraception desn't always work like it should!
In normal circumstances I would say that I am reasonably intelligent and sensible but right now I am off track. It happens to many of us... or does it?
Thank you for replying

If your life is false because you are living in fear,you are not really living for yourself at all.

You can't be at someones beck and call and forget who you are in the process.

Men and women both leave partners everyday that are beautiful giving great people.

If someone is going to leave no amount of worrying or actions are going to stop them.

You can't force love to stay when it is gone and if its there you can't force it away.

It just is.

If he loves you ,he will love you without you kissing his behind.

You need to ask yourself when you gave up loving yourself just to be loved by him.

Its a sad commentary on your faith in your relationship that you have had to give up you in order to have him.

I would seriously think about that.

You make a lot of sense but packing up and leaving after 23 years of what I thought was good is really difficult.
I have no family nearby and I really would like to try to make this work if I can.
However, you are right myself respect and self esteem are both crushed.
I am at the stage where I know that I have to do something, I just need to get to the point where I know that it will make me feel better. I am just so confused.
I am not feeling like myself so how can I look at these facts and act like I have all the courage in the world. I usually feel strong when I am happy. Right now the saddness is gripping my ankles and holding me down.

Run, do mind if I ask how old you are?

I can make a guess that you are about 40 years old from the comment about 23 years of marriage. I ask because I am wondering if part of your problems may be very natural and connected to the normal aging process. Have you talked with your gynecologist about (peri)menopause? The hormonal changes alone can cause a mental/emotional melt down.

The infidelity hitting at a normal life cycle change could be a double blow to your mental and emotional well-being.

Is your entire life wrapped around the house and him? Do you work outside the home?

Is there anything that you do just for yourself? Anything at all.

I think it is time to re-learn ways to find 'you' again. Take some time to do something for yourself. Go to the gym. Take a continuing education class. Write stories. Make new friends. Anything that you enjoy and helps you feel better about yourself. Even a small change can do wonders for your self-esteem and respect.

You also need to work on communicating with your husband. As Artlady said, you can't continue to live in fear of "what if". Talk with him about how you are feeling and how he is feeling. It sounds like he may be as confused and insecure as you are You might look into marriage counseling. If cost is an issue, some clergy offer marriage counseling services for free.

One last thing, you aren't alone.

This sounds like a control issue to me.

He has managed to turn you into somebody you aren't, and somebody who isn't comfortable being that person.

You have changed to please him, and like ArtLady said, I the process you have lost yourself.

If he had any insight into this, he would realize that you changing so drastically, is entirely for his benefit.

You pick up all his cues, do as he expects, and he has successfully managed to manipulate you to such an extent, that only his needs are being met.

Having good sex doesn't mean there is a loving, nurturing relationship as you said. Everything outside the bedroom sounds like a script that you follow.

It is abuse of the worst kind. Stealing you, for his gain. He's got it made.

My advice to you is to seek counselling yourself, and speak to a qualified individual who can help you put this in perspective without judging you. Once you have a clearer picture of what you've lost, you will be stronger to know how to regain yourself again.

Never let fear of loss be the motivating factor in your life, love, and heart. Talk to him about HIS shortcomings. He has managed to make you "walk on eggshells", do anything he wants, compromise your thinking, in fear of him leaving you.

Is that fair? NO!

This marriage is in dire need of counseling.

Let him know that things are going to have to change.

He will stop All communication with his ex or else.

What would he do if the table was turned?

He wouldn't like it I'm sure.

Good luck to you.

You must be strong to make these changes.

Never let fear of loss be the motivating factor in your life, love, and heart. Talk to him about HIS shortcomings. He has managed to make you "walk on eggshells", do anything he wants, compromise your thinking, in fear of him leaving you.

Is that fair? NO!

This marriage is in dire need of counseling.

Let him know that things are going to have to change.

He will stop All communication with his ex or else.

What would he do if the table was turned?

He wouldn't like it I'm sure.

Good luck to you.

You must be strong to make these changes.

I tried counseling but on my own I only heard that I was like 2 people at the moment.
I looked and gave the impression that I was strong and very sensible so it came as a shock that I didn't dae challenge him.
A few years ago I would have but the thught of having to start again when it is not my choice scared me into submissive behaviour. Maybe that will change with time. I hope it does.
Stopping communication with the X may be a bit harder she has befriended my mothe in law who lost her husband. She is being so kind so as you can imagine this makes things a lot more difficult. Besides she has never really accepted me as she was always keen on this woman. She told me this about 15 years ago. I tried to talk to my husband about this but he walked out. Refuses to talk about anything Affai related.
I do love him always have but I am realistic. I know what is righ and wrong but doing it takes more than courage.
Thank you for all of the great answers from you and others much appreciated.

RunRunRun,

The feeling of being drained, Sad, and incomplete... tell me. Unfortunately I know that one way to well. Betrayed is a great title as well... because after all those years of "Service" (lack of better term) here you are feeling discarded so easily.

What is that saying, "never make someone a priority when they make you an option"?? Something like that.

When you figure out how to get past these feelings let me know... I'll need one of those pills as well.

The only "tactic" my wife responds to is book I read "love must be tough"

I'll keep watching this thread for answers.

run, do mind if I ask how old you are?

I can make a guess that you are about 40 years old from the comment about 23 years of marriage. I ask because I am wondering if part of your problems may be very natural and connected to the normal aging process. Have you talked with your gynecologist about (peri)menopause? The hormonal changes alone can cause a mental/emotional melt down.

The infidelity hitting at a normal life cycle change could be a double blow to your mental and emotional well-being.

Is your entire life wrapped around the house and him? Do you work outside the home?

Is there anything that you do just for yourself? Anything at all.

I think it is time to re-learn ways to find 'you' again. Take some time to do something for yourself. Go to the gym. Take a continuing education class. Write stories. Make new friends. Anything that you enjoy and helps you feel better about yourself. Even a small change can do wonders for your self-esteem and respect.

You also need to work on communicating with your husband. As Artlady said, you can't continue to live in fear of "what if". Talk with him about how you are feeling and how he is feeling. It sounds like he may be as confused and insecure as you are You might look into marriage counseling. If cost is an issue, some clergy offer marriage counseling services for free.

One last thing, you aren't alone.
Sorry about taking so long to answer.
I am in my upper 40's and agree that perimenopause messes up our hormones, I just never thought it would get me like this:rolleyes:
I have tried several ways to get back into the mainstream and I am really having to push myself.
The tears are no lnger a problem so at least I don't feel sorry for myself. I run so I have entered a number of 10k races and half marathons. I have also applied for a new job and been to several interviews. In spite of my age at least I am still attractive in the working world.
However, I just can't seem to let go of the hurt and feeling of insecurity. I would never begin with antidepressants even though I do not look down on anybody else for using them. I just want to get through this and hope that one day I will¨be as happy as I once was.
I think deep down I know I am a little naïve and immature but I actually enjoyed that. I just never thought the man I adored had it in him to cheat like this.
Let alone neglect talking about why. To be honest I don't think he knows why I think it was just an urge that got out of hand. Because this is so against what he would normally do I think it became a lot more serious for both of us.
The saddest thing is even though he didn't leave me I think he still carries fond memories and feelings for her in his heart. This makes me feel so jealous and that feeling in turn makes me so angry with myself.
I don't want to be that person and I don't want to have these feelings and worse of all I don't want to lose my husband so this vicious circle just goes round and round.
If I get one of the new positions I have applied for at least I will be travelling away from home. This should give me time to work out if I will ever trust him again or not.
Thank you for your time it is very much valued.

This sounds like a control issue to me.

He has managed to turn you into somebody you aren't, and somebody who isn't comfortable being that person.

You have changed to please him, and like ArtLady said, i the process you have lost yourself.

If he had any insight into this, he would realize that you changing so drastically, is entirely for his benefit.

You pick up all his cues, do as he expects, and he has successfully managed to manipulate you to such an extent, that only his needs are being met.

Having good sex doesn't mean there is a loving, nurturing relationship as you said. Everything outside the bedroom sounds like a script that you follow.

It is abuse of the worst kind. Stealing you, for his gain. He's got it made.

My advice to you is to seek counselling yourself, and speak to a qualified individual who can help you put this in perspective without judging you. Once you have a clearer picture of what you've lost, you will be stronger to know how to regain yourself again.

Thank you for your straight and honest answer. I really do appreciate it.
Manipulation is a word I have tried to avoid as it has so many negative implications. However, unfortunately I think you could be correct.
If you met my husband I am sure like many you would think he was quite, sensible and very very nice. Most people through the years have told me how lucky I am... quite crazy isn't it?
Over the past few weeks he has begun to be a little more helpful around the house. But I think something has happened. I believe that he has either stopped communicating with this woman. I should be really happy but the outcome is that he seems to be sadder and very slightly irritable although not directly at me.
Maybe I am just too sensitive and clutching at straws as they say.
Thank you once again.

Never let fear of loss be the motivating factor in your life, love, and heart. Talk to him about HIS shortcomings. He has managed to make you "walk on eggshells", do anything he wants, compromise your thinking, in fear of him leaving you.

Is that fair? NO!

This marriage is in dire need of counseling.

Let him know that things are going to have to change.

He will stop All communication with his ex or else.

What would he do if the table was turned?

He wouldn't like it I'm sure.

Good luck to you.

You must be strong to make these changes.

Do you have any good suggestins on how I could approach a conversation without him turning around and walking out of the house for hours.
I have tried and the answer is usually:
"Here we go again i thought all of that was behind us."
" Why do we have to talk about this now"
If I approach anything that involves feelings he will not look at me straight in the eye. He tells me that he feels forced and refuses to be forced into anything.

The result is like you say I walk on eggshells and prefer to keep the peace.
Thank you for your answer like I say to the others I am really appreciative of the answers they really do help.

This is a time of my life that I just can't cope with thinking for myself it seems.

I think your answer lies in overcoming your own fear, and growing as your own person. You need a plan, not with your husband, but with yourself, to regain the love we all must have for yourself, so you can stand up for yourself, and know what you want. (and what you don't want)

Your husband need not participate in this process, that's up to him, but tell him that's what your going to do for yourself.

I think only after you have gone through the process of making you, and your well being, a bigger priority, will you gain the confidence to have peace, put away the past, and relish into the opportunities of the future.

That's what letting go of the past fears, and insecurities is all about. If you need help with this process, get it.

If your husband wants to help, great, but thats not something you need to depend on, or dwell on. Do this yourself, for yourself.

^^I agree with talaniman but I would add this.

You need to let go of the fantasy of the perfect marriage lasting forever.

You need not look to your Husband for answers or for making your future plans.

One thing that has helped me is I've adopted the simple fact that she is free to go if she chooses.

I've also looked into BPD/NPD personalities. This answered a lot of things for me and it took away the "INVALIDATION" my wife placed upon me.

People are out here that can help you to understand why this occurring to you.

And believe me when I say, you are blindsided and this is most of your reasons you fight so hard to "Get back" with him. It is not Love as much as it is your Core has been shaken, and your need to become validated as a woman again.

The sad truth is that the validation will never come from your Husband

RunRunRun,

The feeling of being drained, Sad, and incomplete.....tell me. Unfortunately I know that one way to well. Betrayed is a great title as well....because after all those years of "Service" (lack of better term) here you are feeling discarded so easily.

What is that saying, "never make someone a priority when they make you an option"????? Something like that.

When you figure out how to get past these feelings let me know....I'll need one of those pills as well.

The only "tactic" my wife responds to is book I read "love must be tough"

I'll keep watching this thread for answers.

I am working hard to get past the feelings that were forced upon me.
It is not always easy but to get the best out of life I need to try.
For a year , a whole year I was someone completely different, it was like someone had punched me so hard that the wind and stuffing were knocked out permanently.

When I look back, I never ever looked at my husband as a "good looker" suddenly after the shock I was looking only at the nice features. I was finding his nice points. I was really making him something else. It was if I didn't want to see anything bad or ugly in him... lucky him, you might think... but this is way over the top to be realistic. I was truly caught up in my own fog. There's little wonder he didn't want to leave me. He was suddenly king of his castle and I was the under dog.

Well, I'm coming back to reality and although I will compromise and still treat him well I will also start to treat myself well.
I have come to the point where I need to challenge myself. To accept what has happened is wrong and to become jealous and posessive will also be wrong.
I found out that I need to be able to go away from our home on my own for short trips to be able to find out if I can stand on my own two feet.
I need to stop trying to find out if he is doing anything wrong... if he is I won't be able to stop him anyway. If he is woman's intuition will tell me eventually anyway.
I need to become more attractive to him again, I need to become a challenge, if I cannot give him this then maybe we are not right to continue this life together. I hope we are and I hope I lose this fear of losing him one day.
Most of all I long to love life again. I miss smiling and laughing.

^^I agree with talaniman but I would add this.

You need to let go of the fantasy of the perfect marriage lasting forever.

You need not look to your Husband for answers or for making your future plans.

One thing that has helped me is I've adopted the simple fact that she is free to go if she chooses.

I've also looked into BPD/NPD personalities. This answered a lot of things for me and it took away the "INVALIDATION" my wife placed upon me.

People are out here that can help you to understand why this occuring to you.

And believe me when I say, you are blindsided and this is most of your reasons why you fight so hard to "Get back" with him. It is not Love as much as it is your Core has been shaken, and your need to become validated as a woman again.

The sad truth is that the validation will never come from your Husband

You arer so correct, the problem is in this situation is that it takes forever to get to the point where you feel like you have the energy to do anything.
I am getting there, I think that by approaching this site was my first real challenge. Just daring to put anything on "paper" to see what I really felt was a big step. Getting so many answers, I didn't expect and believe me what a weight it takes from your shoulders.
Today I am going for an interview for a new job. This is well thought through and I believe a change will be good for me. I am not running away from everything. Instead I am hoping for something that will help my brain to be constructive instead of destructive:o
In other words my emotional supply is bankrupt I can't go there anymore if I want to stay sane. By the way what is BPD/NPD?

I think your answer lies in overcoming your own fear, and growing as your own person. You need a plan, not with your husband, but with yourself, to regain the love we all must have for yourself, so you can stand up for yourself, and know what you want. (and what you don't want)

Your husband need not participate in this process, thats up to him, but tell him thats what your going to do for yourself.

I think only after you have gone thru the process of making you, and your well being, a bigger priority, will you gain the confidence to have peace, put away the past, and relish into the opportunities of the future.

Thats what letting go of the past fears, and insecurities is all about. If you need help with this process, get it.

If your husband wants to help, great, but thats not something you need to depend on, or dwell on. Do this yourself, for yourself.

You are so right, the insecurities that are brought on are completely true. Then the ball starts rolling and you pick up a few more. How unnatractive must this be?
Jeeso I have never really thought of it like this... The strange thing is as much as I feel that I need him I don't want his help to get through this, don't ask me to explain that I just can't. Right now, I wouldn't want t o sit in counseling and hear his point of view. I think that before that can happen he would need to tidy up his compartamentilisation because in those rooms are bundles of crap. He really believes that I was to blame for him straying. I don't want to hear that again! I don't want to go back to those accusations they were too painful. Telling me that we had nothing to build on after 23 of marriage was so so so wrong. The only thing that was good to him was the Other woman. I need him to see her faults before I could get anywhere with his feelings on an honest level. I'm sure that time will come. One day!

You are so right, the insecurities that are brought on are completely true. Then the ball starts rolling and you pick up a few more. How unnatractive must this be?
Jeeso i have never really thought of it like this................The strange thing is as much as i feel that i need him i don't want his help to get through this, don't ask me to explain that i just can't. Right now, i wouldn't want t o sit in councelling and hear his point of view. I think that before that can happen he would need to tidy up his compartamentilisation because in those rooms are bundles of crap. He really believes that i was to blame for him straying. I don't want to hear that again! I don't want to go back to those accusations they were too painful. Telling me that we had nothing to build on after 23 of marriage was so so so wrong. The only thing that was good to him was the Other woman. I need him to see her faults before i could get anywhere with his feelings on an honest level. I'm sure that time will come. One day!

I think you are right in wanting to rebuild your self-esteem by yourself. I don't think you would trust your progress if he was a larger part of it.

You arer so correct, the problem is in this situation is that it takes forever to get to the point where you feel like you have the energy to do anything.
I am getting there, i think that by approaching this site was my first real challenge. Just daring to put anything on "paper" to see what i really felt was a big step. Getting so many answers, i didn't expect and believe me what a weight it takes from your shoulders.
Today i am going for an interview for a new job. This is well thought through and i believe a change will be good for me. I am not running away from everything. Instead i am hoping for something that will help my brain to be constructive instead of destructive:o
In other words my emotional supply is bankrupt i can't go there anymore if i want to stay sane. by the way what is BPD/NPD?
Weight on your Shoulders... Let's just say the power that you have "allowed" him to have over you is the weight. Your Gut is telling you that there is something not quite right about your situation.

Let me ask you this, from an early age in your tweens, I'm sure you always told yourself that if someone cheated you'd leave them immediately. Now fast forward to today, and that scenario plays out and you allowed him to blame you for it... and you accepted it and stayed... would this explain that weight?

BPD/NPD Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Learn about the characteristics of these disorders, whether your Husband has them a little or a lot or not at all, it still may explain a lot of behaviors perpetrated upon you by Him and with the knowledge comes strength and again "Validation" as a woman rather than a failure...

Weight on your Shoulders......Let's just say the power that you have "allowed" him to have over you is the weight. Your Gut is telling you that there is something not quite right about your situation.

Lemme ask you this, from an early age in your tweens, I'm sure you always told yourself that if someone cheated you'd leave them immediately. Now fast forward to today, and that scenario plays out and you allowed him to blame you for it....and you accepted it and stayed......would this explain that weight?

BPD/NPD Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Learn about the characteristics of these disorders, whether your Husband has them a little or a lot or not at all, it still may explain a lot of behaviors perpetrated upon you by Him and with the knowledge comes strength and again "Validation" as a woman rather than a failure.....

Thank you I will read up on both.
You are so right I did always say that I would never accept this type of behaviour.
Explaining why is so hard. I see myself on this site giving advice to others in similar situations.
Inner strength in many of us is definitely an issue to be understood.
Marriage vows are also something we should really consider understanding before we take the plunge.
For me, they are always in the back of my head even though I am not terribly religious.
I also try to keep my promises and I made a promise to forgive him.
There are many stages to go through when you have been deceived I just wish I didn't have to experience them myself... for richer for poorer... richer in knowledge poorer in pain.

for richer for poorer... richer in knowledge poorer in pain.

How true for all of us - it is the pain that we experience that provides us with the knowledge of who we are.

You are feeling betrayed because you gave all of yourself to save your marriage. This is not a bad thing. What is difficult, is that somewhere in there you lost YOURSELF and now you feel that it was not worth the sacrifice.

Still, you have gained something - the knowledge that your marriage is potentially hollow and that you are incomplete. This is not a bad thing. What is difficult is deciding what you should do with this knowledge.

Peri menopause is often a time of reflection and re-evaluation - the pain and regret that we hid away, ignored, or denied comes bubbling back up again made larger and more monstrous by the influence of our hormones.

I think that you need to rediscover who you are again. You are applying for jobs and doing some things that you enjoy like the running. I would encourage you to look to the future - YOUR future - and really try not to dwell on the past. There is probably little point in re-opening old wounds with your husband regarding his 'affair', but I would encourage you to speak with a counselor so that you can express some of the sadness and despair that you are feeling.

There are also many natural remedies that can help lift your mood (and spirits) and assist with balancing the hormones.

You are feeling betrayed because you gave all of yourself to save your marriage. This is not a bad thing. What is difficult, is that somewhere in there you lost YOURSELF and now you feel that it was not worth the sacrifice.

Still, you have gained something - the knowledge that your marriage is potentially hollow and that you are incomplete. This is not a bad thing. What is difficult is deciding what you should do with this knowledge.

And therein lies the $64,000,000. (million Dollar) question. And a very very valid point.

So now, "WE"(me as well) have this knowledge (thanks to you Gemini) the question is... what do we do with the knowledge?

The facts remain glaring, we can no longer sweep them under the rug and hope they don't exist. The Pondering and vacillating is almost more than a single individual should be allowed to bear by oneself.

Runrunrun, this is why I said that I would be watching this thread... maybe an answer will spill out for "us". I'd accept a $6.40 answer at this point...

How true for all of us - it is the pain that we experience that provides us with the knowledge of who we are.

You are feeling betrayed because you gave all of yourself to save your marriage. This is not a bad thing. What is difficult, is that somewhere in there you lost YOURSELF and now you feel that it was not worth the sacrifice.

Still, you have gained something - the knowledge that your marriage is potentially hollow and that you are incomplete. This is not a bad thing. What is difficult is deciding what you should do with this knowledge.

Peri menopause is often a time of reflection and re-evaluation - the pain and regret that we hid away, ignored, or denied comes bubbling back up again made larger and more monstrous by the influence of our hormones.

I think that you need to rediscover who you are again. You are applying for jobs and doing some things that you enjoy like the running. I would encourage you to look to the future - YOUR future - and really try not to dwell on the past. There is probably little point in re-opening old wounds with your husband regarding his 'affair', but I would encourage you to speak with a counselor so that you can express some of the sadness and despair that you are feeling.

There are also many natural remedies that can help lift your mood (and spirits) and assist with balancing the hormones.

Thank you so much for taking the time to give me some guidance it really does help.
When you find yourself in this kind of situation you are so frightened of being seen as paranoid, hopeless, clueless and even manic depressive. One minute you are up and the next in the depth of despair.
I read up on the different personality disorders. I believe that my situation mostly fits stealth abuse. It was so typical where everyone thinks he is the most wonderful person in the world. My parents included. However, once the front door closes I am ignored.
He doesn't put me down so much in words but the ignoring and pointing out how nice and clever everyone else is really hurts.
If I went out with these people would think I was crazy, yes even paranoid.
We actually don't argue. Most think that we have a very harmonious life. It is this that makes others think I should be so grateful for having such a nice husband.
In many ways though I must enjoy being here because I really don't want to break up.
However, on saying that I am and will give it lots of thought to how I will handle this. I know deep down I cannot live my life like this.

And therein lies the $64,000,000. (million Dollar) question. And a very very valid point.

So now, "WE"(me as well) have this knowledge (thanks to you Gemini) the question is...what do we do with the knowledge?

The facts remain glaring, we can no longer sweep them under the rug and hope they don't exist. The Pondering and vacillating is almost more than a single individual should be allowed to bear by oneself.

Runrunrun, this is why I said that I would be watching this thread.....maybe an answer will spill out for "us". I'd accept a $6.40 answer at this point.....

I only wish I knew, once again I say it is so hard to believe that you are in this type of situation. You waken up every morning hoping it was a bad dream and that you can sigh and feel good.
When you realise it is real. The tears choke you and you do what you have to do to get through another day.
Please keep following it helps with the empathy.
Thank you. Hope you are feeling better too.

Threads merged

I need some honest opinions about what you consider to be an affair.
Maybe I am too sensitive maybe I shouldn't be thinking like I do. I am not young so this has come as such a shock after many years of marriage.
I have already posted one post called betrayed and this tells about my husbands emotional affair.
I consider this to be an affair because of the intensity of the communication, the fact that it went on behind my back daily. His attitude change and how it made me feel when I found out.
Now I really need help in putting things into perspective.
I am trying to understand why I am left with so many strange thoughts and why I cannot put this behind me. ( This happened a year ago)
I don't want to bring this up again with my husband as I feel that in a way that is wrong too.
We all make mistakes, allbeit some worse than others but forgiveness is also something we need to respect.
I have told him that I have forgiven him and life has pretty much returned to it's normal status. Nothing extra nothing less. However I am not sure if I really have completely forgiven and I certainly have not forgotten.

Maybe I have been expecting him to react with excessive bouts of loving, emotional behaviour , which he hasn't.
I don't know what I need him to do to believe that he is being faithful.
He never goes out without me but his affairs happened over the net/phone.
I will never know if the contact has totally stopped and to be honest I don't think it will. I believe that he took such a long time to contact this woman again that he sees it as something he needed to do to rid him of his past demons or something.
Therefore I believe that he will find it hard to lose that contact again like he did many years ago.
I have tried to ask him about this but the silence treatment always wins.

This leaves me feeling like a fool
I love him enough to stay but I feel that he has put her into a position above me and the pain that brings is horrible.
It is so horrible because from the outside it makes me look like the jealous wife and when I react it intensifies this.
I don't want to be in that position and I feel that they have both stripped me of any dignity I ever had.

Apparently they didn't go physical so again I am seen as a control freak because I try to stop old friends communicating with each other... where did I go wrong?
Why do I get so envious when I think of all the time he spent writing to her ( over 1000 text messages in a month ) Why does he never write to me? Why if I call him at work does he never take the time to speak and why does he never call me just to see how I am doing?
Am I just a jealous wife?

If he is not in contact then it will seem like I am paranoid
How can I ever get past this without seeming like a complete nutter?

Sometimes I really want to pay him back but don't know how to. That gives me great
I want to be able to treat him in a way that will make him sit up and take notice, but I don't think he ever will. Have I just become another useless ornament on his collection shelf? And yet I still can't leave or have the courage to ask why...

The only time he really seems to be with me 100% is during the night, he has this need to hold around me and cuddle in, he never did this before and although it is very nivce it is so strange for me to experience this.

To anyone else reading try never to accept what I have accepted because first they punish you and then you punish yourself it is so unfair and very strange.
If I could wind back a whole year I would have taken some time out after telling him how disgusting he was. How easy it is to say that now! To be honest I am not sure I would have. Maybe my husband just knows my weaknesses too well.

Has anyone else dealt with the aftermass of an emotional affair?
Please tell me how you managed to stay and get rid of similar emotions??

Another thing I have never understood, why did he chose to stay with me ?
If this woman gives him so much more pleasure than I do why did he stay?
If he is in contact why would he need to live a lie?

All Good questions...

Why, if things are "better" now between the two of you, Why then does everything feel "The same" as it was before?

Better means BETTER and the same... well the same led to him perusing the internet for emotional fulfillment.

So, you wonder around the house thinking... how are things "better"

Is that threat removed? Maybe... but the marriage is like a Zombie... kept alive by who know what...

I felt I'd add a little... sorry for stepping on your thread

I need some honest opinions about what you consider to be an affair.

Sneaking around behind your partners back, for your own selfish reasons. The key is the sneaking around, as it prevents any input by your partner.

Has anyone else dealt with the aftermath of an emotional affair?
Please tell me how you managed to stay and get rid of similar emotions??

I have never questioned my trust in my partner, nor faith in her loyalty. She has been upfront and straight in her actions, and words, so I understand her interactions with her male friends, or any male is purely platonic, as I am always invited, and welcome to join in. Sometimes I chose not to, but we have communicated enough over the years where I recognize and understand her need to interact with both men and women. On another point, I have never acted jealous, or insecure, about her actions with others, whether I like her friends, or not (male or female). We also have boundaries of good behavior that we both have defined, and agree on.

Another thing I have never understood, why did he chose to stay with me ?

Because you are his woman.

If this woman gives him so much more pleasure than I do why did he stay?

She seems to be just a very good friend, and he doesn't hide anything, so what's the big deal as long as you both stay within your clearly defined boundaries of good behavior.

If he is in contact why would he need to live a lie?
Because of your reactions of course,

Let be clear, as your maybe mistaking an emotional affair with a good friendship. Are your feelings keeping you from seeing the difference, and is that an indications of poor communications, or lack of understanding your partner? That's something you must decide, so you and your partner can deal with the reality of your situation.

Do you expect him to always cater to your fears, or insecurities? I think you do, as that's where your conflict lies within yourself, when he doesn't, or cannot, and makes it hard to let go of those feelings of fear and insecurities, and seek better ways to deal with yourself, your feelings, and have better communications.

So now every incident adds to the already unresolved, conflicted, feelings you have. They have festered and grown.

The way my wife handles all my female friends, is she stole them from me, and made them hers, by getting to know them well enough to not see a threat where there is NONE. Smart girl.

And yes, my strategy was the same, Hehehe, and I never feel threatened by any male she knows.

Taliniman, I'm not sure you read her other thread.

There was inappropriate behavior on her Husbands part with this other woman.

Stating that it is runrunruns fault may not be the best course of action here.

There is never a good reason to step out on your spouse and she has good cause for doubting him and distrusting him.

I never stated any fault, just re evaluation of motive, and perspective.

Taliniman, I'm not sure you read her other thread.

There was inappropriate behavior on her Husbands part with this other woman.

Stating that it is runrunruns fault may not be the best course of action here.

There is never a good reason to step out on your spouse and she has good cause for doubting him and distrusting him.

He did not place blame on the OP.He stated that her perspective may be skewed.

I am not sure YOU read what he said or you failed to understand! One or the other.

Sneaking around behind your partners back, for your own selfish reasons. The key is the sneaking around, as it prevents any input by your partner.

I have never questioned my trust in my partner, nor faith in her loyalty. She has been upfront and straight in her actions, and words, so I understand her interactions with her male friends, or any male is purely platonic, as I am always invited, and welcome to join in. Sometimes I chose not to, but we have communicated enough over the years where I recognize and understand her need to interact with both men and women. On another point, I have never acted jealous, or insecure, about her actions with others, whether I like her friends, or not (male or female). We also have boundaries of good behavior that we both have defined, and agree on.

Because you are his woman.

She seems to be just a very good friend, and he doesn't hide anything, so whats the big deal as long as you both stay within your clearly defined boundaries of good behavior.

Because of your reactions of course,

Let be clear, as your maybe mistaking an emotional affair with a good friendship. Are your feelings keeping you from seeing the difference, and is that an indications of poor communications, or lack of understanding your partner? Thats something you must decide, so you and your partner can deal with the reality of your situation.

Do you expect him to always cater to your fears, or insecurities? I think you do, as thats where your conflict lies within yourself, when he doesn't, or cannot, and makes it hard to let go of those feelings of fear and insecurities, and seek better ways to deal with yourself, your feelings, and have better communications.

So now every incident adds to the already unresolved, conflicted, feelings you have. They have festered and grown.

The way my wife handles all my female friends, is she stole them from me, and made them hers, by getting to know them well enough to not see a threat where there is NONE. Smart girl.

And yes, my strategy was the same, Hehehe, and I never feel threatened by any male she knows.


I don't understand how they can be good friends when he secretly took contact after 25 years of not talking, or why he did this in secret.
He kept his cell phone in his pocket on silent and ran to the rest room every time she wrote.
This went on for 4 months before I found out.
If I was jealous it was mixed with a lot of hurt.
Was this so wrong tallinman?

All Good questions.....

Why, if things are "better" now between the two of you, Why then does everything feel "The same" as it was before??

Better means BETTER and the same....well the same led to him perusing the internet for emotional fulfillment.

So, you wonder around the house thinking...how are things "better"

Is that threat removed?? Maybe......but the marriage is like a Zombie....kept alive by who know what........

I felt I'd add a little........sorry for stepping on your thread


This is a good question.
I need this type of challenge as you well know the confusion being on the rollercoaster.
Yes it is better but maybe there is a little anger I need to deal with that is coming to the surface.
Deep down I want it to be better , much better and there are still a few niggling points hanging around.
You are right I am like a zombie trying to get me back on track.
I thought I was capable of forgiveness and trust but to be honest maybe I need to work more at that too.
How do others do it?

I don't think it started with jealousy being part of the mix of emotions, but I think it has developed that way as you think about him showing her affection that he doesn't appear to show you. I think that hurt is a big part of the anger and betrayal that you still feel. It is also part of why you are having a difficult time healing.

How are you doing on re-building yourself? Have you gotten any news on the jobs that you are going for?

I ask because I think something that might help you the most would be go about your own life. Do the things for him that you really want to do, but let him fend for himself.

In other words, reset the relationship to the dating point and rebuild it from there. Make a deal with yourself that you aren't going to forget what happened, but that you are going to set it aside and not dwell on it. You aren't going to let it ruin your outlook on life and love.

Don't think in terms of how much affection he shows. Instead think of how you show affection and how it makes you feel. If you get the desire to send him a text saying "I love you", do it not because of how you expect him to respond, but because it makes you feel good to know you sent it. Send him flowers, just because you felt like it. Sometimes doing those little things can help you feel better no matter what the other person's response is.

I don't think it started out with jealousy being part of the mix of emotions, but I think it has developed that way as you think about him showing her affection that he doesn't appear to show you. I think that hurt is a big part of the anger and betrayal that you still feel. It is also part of why you are having a difficult time healing.

How are you doing on re-building yourself? Have you gotten any news on the jobs that you are going for?

I ask because I think something that might help you the most would be go about your own life. Do the things for him that you really want to do, but let him fend for himself.

In other words, reset the relationship to the dating point and rebuild it from there. Make a deal with yourself that you aren't going to forget what happened, but that you are going to set it aside and not dwell on it. You aren't going to let it ruin your outlook on life and love.

Don't think in terms of how much affection he shows. Instead think of how you show affection and how it makes you feel. If you get the desire to send him a text saying "I love you", do it not because of how you expect him to respond, but because it makes you feel good to know you sent it. Send him flowers, just because you felt like it. Sometimes doing those little things can help you feel better no matter what the other person's response is.

Spot n Cat I think this sums up me and my situation perfectly
Thank you

Spot n Cat i think this sums up me and my situation perfectly
Thank you

You're welcome.

Good luck finding the inner happiness you deserve. :)

I have been looking over the communication which has developed since I posted this thread.

It has made me so aware of the importance on how we communicate with others.
When we are feeling emotional it is so difficult to put the "big picture" into a few sentances. Neither do we have our body language to help others understand our situation perfectly.
Infidelity brings with it a multitude of emotions that put us into a temporary state of unbalance.

Unfortunately this lets us feel emotions such as jealousy, rage, hurt, confusion, love, hate to mention only a few.

The main thing is to find a way to deal with each emotion before you can move on.
My immediate reaction was to save my marriage and forgive my husband. This was presented with many challenges along the way.
The worst being jealousy. I am not a jealous person at heart but being put into competition against my will with another woman was more than I could handle. Especially one that shared his bed before I did. It took everything from me.
The hardest part was that he went into the affair behind my back. Although this woman was from his home town and friends with his mother I have never been introduced to her.
He had never kept any contact with her as far as I know. So the friendship between them was never maintained. When her own husband left her I am sure my mother in law was giving my husband information. This happened at a time my husband and I were having some difficulties so it was probably then that the affair started.
I felt jealousy not because of their friendship but because I felt that maybe he had never really gotten over her. Where did that put me?
I felt him comparing us and that was so hard.

Well he never left me and I believe the flirting is over but both the feelings I had and the memories have left their scars but I am damned sure that I will not let it take over my life and steer my future.

Knowing that I had feelings f jealousy makes me angry, nor with him, but with myself.

I know that something in me caused the things that happened to me.
When you ask people why they do things, the usual answer is " Because i could"
My husband cheated on me because he could, he kept it secret because he didn't want me to know. Why?
I believe it was because he knew that it was wrong to leave me. Therefore this is the hope I have to hold onto
I want to save my marriage I want to forgive.
More than this I want to feel loved.
Before I can expect this I have to learn to love me first.
I need to forgive myself for allowing the affair to happen.
Don't think I am blaming myself, I am not I just need to make my needs and boundaries clearer to him and I need to know that he respects that. Without that I have nothing.
This will take time.
I am willing to give this time.
I need to do this for me and our future.

Run, it sounds like you are doing your best to face this challenge head-on. That in itself shows the strength of your character.

Good luck and remember you aren't going through this alone. :)

run, it sounds like you are doing your best to face this challenge head-on. That in itself shows the strength of your character.

Good luck and remember you aren't going through this alone. :)

Thank you this support is worth more than gold!

I am glad I can help in any way even if it is just lending an ear (okay, eye :) ).

Threads merged

OK
I need to work on myself esteem.
I have been having a very strange year after almost losing my marriage of 23 years.
This took me very hard much to my own surprise as I always seen myself as strong and able to cope with anything. I thought that my relationship was rock solid with my husband and that we would get through everything life threw at us together.
Looking back I can see clearly that things weren't quite so wonderful, I had just become very comfortable in our family way of life. In many ways we were just roomates and the bickering arguments were maybe just too frequent. It seems that we were both sending out messages to each other and we weren't really paying attention to what the other was saying.
Neither of us were tough enough to confront these problems.
Then I was slammed with a 50 tonn ball in the face ! (during another of these small irritable arguments) he served me the all too famous line " I need to get out I need space, something died along the way... I knew it wasn't him speaking. Either he had been reading something or he had heard this from someone else. After 23 years there is a lot you know about your partner. I knew this was not his typical way of speaking.
After some snooping, I found the proof of the cntact with his X. An x from his home town. This was hot! Almost like he had moved back in time and acting like a smitten teenage lovesick pup.
I confronted him and he denied!! Well I produced the proof and he had to admit. He was furious with me. Told me that he didn't think that this could be repaired etc etc.
He was standing his ground, he wanted out. I was devastated I wanted him to stay.
My world vanished from beneath me.
Eventually I had had enough and I asked him to chose and leave. He left. Came back 6 hours later. Said he had nowhere to go. Said he wanted to try again, he thinks!
At that point I should have turned him around and told him to leave, of course, like many others I didn't. I only told him that if he was staying there was only room for two in this relationship.
From that day our relationship as it was ended. It could never be the same again. Suddenly there is an introduction of fear, doubt, uncertainty, deceit, secretiveness and the fact that you have to take a long hard look at yourself and see where you have contributed to the breakup. After 23 years I couldn't let him take 100% of the blame. Although talking might have been a better solution than cheating.
I also knew that it would take some time for him to get over what he started. In many ways I was OK with that as I wanted him too to get this out of his system. ( I should have told him that, I didn't ) Anyway I know that this went on for at least 6 months it's only now after 13 months that I feel that her presence doesn't take up his time. His attitude has changed and he seems a lot more comfortable.
I have been running after him hand and foot treating him like a king. This is the Gods honest truth. We have had very few arguments and there is harmony in the house. I never ask questions and I bite my tongue if I feel insecure.
This has led to me feeling like a doormat, but at least the past 2 months have changed and he has slowly began to help with some housework again.
I know I should feel happy but I feel drained.
I have been keeping fit and kept up hobbies trying to keep myself preservation. It's hard.

I notice that when I pull back in my relationship my husband does make more of an effort . This is good and I believe our relationship will survive.
It depends of course on the fact that I can get rid of this hurt and to some degree anger that I have put a lid on.
I know that I have felt some feelings of jealousy when I think about the exchange of letters etc. What was said between them etc. I know they talked badly about me in the beginning and that hurt so much. I am not a bad person and nobody should ever cheat on their wives and make then look evil for their reasons of infidelity.
If my husband had asked me to be friends with this other woman before he took contact I would have had no problem with that. But this has never been an issue he has never asked for that. He never will, that I am sure of and anyway I could never be friends with her now. The damage is too deep. I can forgive her but friendship would be more than I can tolerate. I dread the thought of visiting my inlaws.
He will never discuss this and even if he did I don't think that this would be a solution.
I think that once you have been hurt, no amount of talking will ever really get to the point you want to get to.
You really just have to put it all behind you and see this relationship as ended or a new one is starting.
There are many good things about this new start. I just need to work more on myself esteem. My confidence is completely shattered. I really don't know who I am at the moment.
I think by facing these feelings I can get through this. But I really need help . It helps hearing what others have done in similar situations.
This is taking up too much of my thoughts and making me deparately unhappy.

After 23 years there is a lot you know about your partner. I knew this was not his typical way of speaking.
After some snooping, I found the proof of the cntact with his X. An x from his home town. This was hot! Almost like he had moved back in time and acting like a smitten teenage lovesick pup.
I confronted him and he denied!! Well I produced the proof and he had to admit. He was furious with me. Told me that he didn't think that this could be repaired etc etc.
He was standing his ground, he wanted out. I was devastated I wanted him to stay.
My world vanished from beneath me.
Co-dependency.


I have been running after him hand and foot treating him like a king. This is the Gods honest truth. We have had very few arguments and there is harmony in the house. I never ask questions and I bite my tongue if I feel insecure.
This has led to me feeling like a doormat, but at least the past 2 months have changed and he has slowly began to help with some housework again.
I know I should feel happy but I feel drained.

Your are a doormat. He cheated and got off easy, in fact he's being treated like a king.

Newsflash sweetheart, he's supposed to be making up to you.

This guy is just manipulating you. 23 year marriage or not I doubt he loves you.




I think that once you have been hurt, no amount of talking will ever really get to the point you want to get to.
You really just have to put it all behind you and see this relationship as ended or a new one is starting.

Looks like buddy already put it behind him.

So you just want to pretend as if this has never happened? Hope you know that won't work.

Go to counseling. Really, the counselor will give you both tools to help repair this marriage.




My has been cheated on me. Through all those hookup sex sites- it was a great feeling, used one of our photos as a profile picture with me cropped off. Lovely.

I tried the counseling. I never got over it. I felt like poop. Like I wasn't good enough.

Needless to say I moved on and am hell of a lot better off than I would be if I were still trying to repair whatever that thing was .


I think you need space. Time alone.

Sometimes you have to get back to see how much sh-t you were just stepping on.

After having some alone time AND counseling, you'll be able to figure out a heck of a lot more clearly if this is worth fighting for or not.

... that's just my opinion.

Good luck.

Sarah

Co-dependency.



Your are a doormat. He cheated and got off easy, in fact he's being treated like a king.

Newsflash sweetheart, he's supposed to be making up to you.

This guy is just manipulating you. 23 year marriage or not I doubt he loves you.





Looks like buddy already put it behind him.

So you just want to pretend as if this has never happened? Hope you know that won't work.

Go to counseling. Really, the counselor will give you both tools to help repair this marriage.




My hasbeen cheated on me. Through all those hookup sex sites- it was a great feeling, used one of our photos as a profile picture with me cropped off. Lovely.

I tried the counseling. I never got over it. I felt like poop. Like I wasn't good enough.

Needless to say I moved on and am hell of a lot better off than I would be if I were still trying to repair whatever that thing was .


I think you need space. Time alone.

Sometimes you have to get back to see how much sh-t you were just stepping on.

After having some alone time AND counseling, you'll be able to figure out a heck of a lot more clearly if this is worth fighting for or not.

...that's just my opinion.

Good luck.

Sarah

Thank you for your heartfelt reply I know you mean well and what you are saying really does make sense... for those of you who are reading... listen to her.

I am just not there yet! I know what it takes, I know what is right and wrong but I have just lost my parents and another loss right now is too much to handle.
At least staying gets me out, I make the effort . If I moved into a little apartment I would probably be happy to sit alone in the dark. My thoughts would cripple me.
As long as I feel that there is hope here unfortunately I will work on that. My vows said in sickness and in health... I wish I had read the small print in that contract before I said " I do"

If he is treating me like a doormat then one day that too can turn around.
People say patience serves you well... well I'm laughing because mine is really debatable.

I am just not there yet! I know what it takes, I know what is right and wrong but I have just lost my parents and another loss right now is too much to handle.

You'll lose yourself. I can assure you of that. Perhaps you already have.

I am most sure that your parents would want you to be happy-- not in this kind of marriage when your being treated like a second class citizen.


At least staying gets me out, I make the effort . If I moved into a little apartment I would probably be happy to sit alone in the dark. My thoughts would cripple me.

Sitting around is what kills you darlin'. First thing I did was join the gym. You need to go to counseling, get exercise [it releases endorphins, which are chemicals that make you happy and believe me you need as many of those little guys that you can get right now].

Staying there will only drain you dead. You'll start hating him, if you already don't, soon enough you won't be able too look at yourself in the mirror or recognize the person looking back at you.


As long as I feel that there is hope here unfortunately I will work on that. My vows said in sickness and in health... I wish I had read the small print in that contract before I said " I do"

If he is treating me like a doormat then one day that too can turn around.
People say patience serves you well... well I'm laughing because mine is really debatable.

Vows smows. No use in sayin' 'em if your going to be a jacka$$ to your wife. What are you going to do, stand there and take the beating because of something you said a long time ago. Honestly, put your vows aside. In fact put yourself aside.

If you were someone else and you were to see you in this current position what would you say? Be honest now. No need to reply, just you knowing the answer is enough.

I know when I asked myself that question I said "work things out" when I truly wanted to say "get the F out".

Really look at your user name: runrunrun.

I think you know the answer already.


Sarah

I expect that this should be added to runrunrun's other thread in the Marriage Forum:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marriage/betrayed-399762.html

After a reply from a previous thread fromMudweiser I have been looking into the term
Co Dependency

Wow! This is something.
In some ways I can relate to this problem but certainly not all points.
However, I really would like to understand this better and if it is a problem for me how the hell do I deal with it?

The best way is with the help of a counselor. Co-dependency is something that is extremely difficult to break on your own because it affects nearly everything you do and your thought processes. You really do need someone who can help you identify even the smallest ways that you enable the other person.

The easiest (painful, but easier than trying to work through it) is one that you haven't been open to and that is leaving him and building a better life for yourself.

I would have to recommend counseling for you myself, as even going back through your whole story, the main theme is FEAR. I realize that you have already suffered losses in your life, but since it not only affects your perspective of things, but your decision making processes as well.

You need some guidance through the process of realistic thinking.

The best way is with the help of a counselor. Co-dependency is something that is extremely difficult to break on your own because it affects nearly everything you do and your thought processes. You really do need someone who can help you identify even the smallest ways that you enable the other person.

The easiest (painful, but easier than trying to work through it) is one that you haven't been open to and that is leaving him and building a better life for yourself.


It is an option cat but as with most co dependants the fear of being alone is really quite crippling.
To be honest. I am not sure that he is any worse than many out there. He does have bad points, but so do I.
I really have to define whether his faults are so bad to leave him. I don't dislike him, hate him and in addition he is the father of my child. I don't want my problems to inflict on anyone else.
I know my answers will infuriate some readers but picking up and leaving is sometimes bigger than the consequences of doing that.
Please be patient.
The good thing is that advice des help me to see clearer and become stronger. I at least can now voice my opinion when I am displeased.

I would have to recommend counseling for you myself, as even going back thru your whole story, the main theme is FEAR. I realize that you have already suffered losses in your life, but since it not only affects your perspective of things, but your decision making processes as well.

You need some guidance thru the process of realistic thinking.

You could be right.
Counseling is so expensive though.
To be honest I have tried this last year and really I get more help and sense from you guys.
Believe it or not, I am 1000fold better now than I was last year. I really believe that by being able to express my fears and worries here is helping me to the correct actions I need to take.

You could be right.
Councelling is so expensive though.
To be honest i have tried this last year and really i get more help and sense from you guys.
believe it or not, i am 1000fold better now than i was last year. I really believe that by being able to express my fears and worries here is helping me to the correct actions i need to take.

I believe you.

If nothing else, you might want to see what kind of support groups are in your area. A support group might give you more feedback and less feeling of going through it alone. Just being around other people who know what you are going through could be a big help.

If counselling is too expensive, try reading some books. Here is a good list: The Guide to Self-Help Books – Recommended Self-Help Books - Self-Help Book Reviews (http://www.books4selfhelp.com/)

I'm sure you can borrow these books from your local library.

You really need to rebuild your self-esteem and confidence.