Sorry if this is too long, I just would appreciate any help.

Well perhaps to put myself in a bit of context. I’m Jeremy, 18, male, I’m calm, imaginative and mature for my age according to some. I guess I’m good enough looking, or so people have said, but I’m still very shy as the only real romance I had lasted two years and nothing really happened, except a lot of friend breaking, arguments, and disagreements which ended up forcing me to grow up a lot quicker than those around me. I’m usually too shy to post a problem like this but thought I might as well try.

I met this girl, who is the half sister of my best friend and two years younger than me, in December 08, and we talked what seemed to be everyday until around June. It was usually on Facebook and via texts, whereas usually twice a week we’d talk on the phone for over an hour, just laughing, mocking each other, anything. I felt drawn to her personality at an early stage but didn’t want to say anything as I didn’t believe – and still find it hard to believe that I can like someone this much seeing as I’ve only been face to face with her a grand total or around five or six times. But she was a lovely comfort, and I got the impression she loved speaking to me.

When I left to Portugal for a two week holiday everything seemed fine, but when I came back something seemed different. She’d reply in short answers, one worded sometimes, whereas before she’d always ask another question to keep the conversation going. She doesn’t start up a conversation anymore, whereas it was completely split between us before. During this time I did get the impression she seemed forced to speak to me, so I tried my best not to press anything. A few weeks later – whilst on the phone to her sister who I’m good friends with too, noticed that she was now with a boy named Dan as it was published on Facebook – a lovely way to find out.

I had spoken to Dan a few days before, where he said he also liked her. As Dan is in her year and therefore attends all the same parties and have the same friends (despite going to different schools) I didn’t see how I could really compete, me being her half sister’s 18 year old friend. So I simply told him I wouldn’t stand in their way.

In hindsight I should probably have fought a lot harder, but since then it’s been torture, I want to see her, to speak to her like before, but keep feeling like I missed my chance.

My friends persuaded me to tell her I liked her anyway, despite her having a boyfriend now, I wasn’t happy by doing it but I did. Her reply was simple: “I wasn’t expecting that. I don’t know what to say”.

I’ve been a bit too afraid that if I try and talk to her too much now I’ll say the wrong things as I know that she knows I like her. So I’m just in a lengthened bland of depression.

A few days ago I rang her with the intention of talking about my feelings, but she began talking about the kind of things we’d talk about before, and I found myself engulfed in a beautiful conversation about the most random of things, of shadows of a figure like the queen of hearts in a garden, to the children’s programs we used to watch when we were kids.

I’m very confused, and was always fairly confident she liked me too, now I have no idea. I want to talk to her, but I simply do not know what I should do next.

If you’ve managed to stay awake throughout this, I would dearly love some advice. I hate clichés, I hate people saying they were made for someone else, and I hate people who think of marrying someone they like before they're even an adult, but I've been alive for 18 years and she's something else, she's too calm and sweet. And this is serious pain for me right now.

Jeremy.

Well, you've told her you have more than just friendship feelings. She didn't give you the answer you wanted.
Be upfront and tell her you don't want to ruin what she may have with this other guy, but you would like to know if the feeling is mutual.
She will either say yes or no.
If it is a yes, continue to be your charming self and it should go from there.
If it is a yes, don't be pushy. Let nature take charge. You don't want to come between her and dan.
Charma is something you don't want to mess with.
At least her answer will ease your mind.

Hi Jeremy,

Welcome to AMHD. When I first read your question, it reminded me of the reason why I joined this forum. I had a very similar problem as you did and the people here have given me excellent advice. I would like to share with you my experience and maybe the advice that I received will provide a different perspective for you.

Here's my story: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/just-dont-know-what-do-anymore-319894.html

I know it's a very long read, as my problem dragged out for quite some time, but I'm sure that you will find some nuggets in my story that will really help you deal with your problem.

If you still have questions, feel free to ask away and we'll be more than glad to help you out.

Hello Jeremy.

At this point, I think you should lay it all out on the line to her. I believe you already told her you liked her, but I would talk to her again, tell her that you've liked her for however long, that you can't stop thinking about her, that you want to be her boyfriend. Ask her what she thinks of it. You will know how she feels then. Either way, it's better than not knowing, right?

Also, I'm wondering why you did not attempt to make her your girlfriend in the months and months you chatted? Perhaps she liked you too, but thought you were never going to make the move?

And I re-read one of your sentences multiple times, and I think you are an excellent writer. Perhaps writing in a journal can help you alleviate some of this emotional stress. Or write and post them here :) I would love to read them!

"A few days ago I rang her with the intention of talking about my feelings, but she began talking about the kind of things we’d talk about before, and I found myself engulfed in a beautiful conversation about the most random of things, of shadows of a figure like the queen of hearts in a garden, to the children’s programs we used to watch when we were kids."

If she has a boyfriend then she is off limits for a "romantic" relationship. That doesn't mean that you can't have a friendship with her, if you can handle her being involved with someone else.

Think about this: If she did leave Dan to be with you, would you keep wondering if she would leave you for someone new?

If she and Dan do break-up, would you expect her to immediately jump into a relationship with you instead of taking time to emotionally move on from the break-up? When a person jumps from one relationship to the next it usually ends up causing problems in the new relationship because the person wasn't over the last one.

It isn't easy, but then life rarely is. Let her relationship with Dan run its course.


If you’ve managed to stay awake throughout this, I would dearly love some advice. I hate clichés, I hate people saying they were made for someone else, and I hate people who think of marrying someone they like before they're even an adult, but I've been alive for 18 years and she's something else, she's too calm and sweet. And this is serious pain for me right now.

She is also 16.

While there is absolutely nothing wrong with the feelings of attraction your having, I think your getting a bit carried away by them, and building something in your mind, that is not based in reality.

For one, she is unavailable to entertain your notions of getting together with you, because she has a boyfriend, and doesn't want to cheat on him. You must respect her wishes, even though she has said nothing about it. You must also ignore any more compulsion to complicate her life at this point, as she is evidently enjoying what she is doing, and having you as a friend. She is also to young to see having an adult relationship, as she is just to young now, and since you do have these feelings, leave her alone and focus on relationship with adults, not kids.

Things may change for you both later, but for now let her be the kid that she is, and don't interfere in her growth process.

You will find attractions with many females, who are also seeking what you want, and are available for what you want, but the truth is, she is not.

Confessing such feelings to someone without investigation, and a lot of thought, is not a mature or responsible way to cope with your feelings, as a man. It may also be inappropriate for her, and her family. That causes problems, for you, and her.

Give it some rational thought, and don't just listen to those who have no stake in your ultimate decision, and do nothing that goes against your sense of what you think is right.

Had to spread the love Tal: but very well said!

Hi Jeremy!

I'm sorry to say this; but the train has left the station for now. At the moment she is unavailable and even though this is painful, I think it is something you might have to accept.

Also like Tal pointed out, she is a 16 year old girl and you're 18 and there is nothing wrong with that, but since she is unavailable it might be better for you in the long run to let go of her and move on from this. I'm guessing that you'll be going of to college soon.. and she'll still be 2 years younger and live where you guys live now.

I also say this because of the way she replied to your texts after you came back from Portugal, she replied in short messages, also she doesn't initiate conversations as she used to, also you felt that she was might have felt 'force' to talk to you... and I don't believe that you are wrong: when you left for Portugal she was single and free to talk to anyone she wanted to when you came back; she suddenly had a boyfriend and talking to you a guy friend was probably uncomfortable. Why it was uncomfortable? Well there are so many reasons, maybe she doesn't want the BF to feel threatened by her older friend, a friend she gets along with very well.

If the two of you can remain friends and this is something you are interested in; I'd do that... but If remaining friends with her would be uncomfortable to either of you, or painful to you or give you false hope that someday... SOMEDAY you'll have your chance... then I'd walk way and start the process of getting over her and letting go now!

It might seem like it, but there will be other girls, who strike you as unusual or special or different in some way!

As for the shyness, do you feel that's a problem for you when it comes to the other sex?

Hope this was of some help!
Roxy

In truth I'm completely amazed how easy this was to do, and the amount of effort you all put in to answer what's really a petty problem. For that, I'm extremely grateful, and you're all brilliant human beings.

I think the ideas brought up by Roxy and Talaniman are the ones I should follow, even if it's painful, I guess it's best to go through it, like anybody else however, I don't want to let go that easily, I understand the benefits by doing so and how it's probably a clear thing to do, but for now I was thinking just to let things flow.

Even if Uneffected's answer is the one I want to hear, I think I was out of place to tell her when I did, and don't want to risk what's already a decent-enough friendship. (notice not really enough, but I can't complain when we do have some random brilliant conversations).

Once again I really appreciate you taking the time out to help. It surely does help to make things a lot clearer to write them down like this.

Jeremy

No problem seems petty when you are going through it.

Sometimes, you just need someone confirming what you already know. :)

Remember that we are still here if you still need advice or to get your thought straight.

Thank you very much, I appreciate it greatly.

I'm happy that I can be of some help, and like cat and artlady pointed out: no problem is petty when its painful.

Letting go of those emotions is hard, but like you said; you don't want to risk the friendship... I do wish you the best of luck!

And I also want to remind you that we are here if you need us! Both concerning this and other things!

Ps: I know that its painful and that letting go isn't easy, its all a process though and it is possible to get to the other side of this! :)

I understand, and thank you :).

And I guess, it's not like completely closing a door, it's there as an opportunity in the future, even if right now it's horrible.

You do wish sometimes that that would hurry, as I'm not one for letting go, even if I am able to 'move on'.

Yeah, I totally understand that feeling; there have been times where I wished that I could either speed up time or just go and sleep through a week or two... and just let it all pass without having to deal with the pain.

Exactly. I supposed at the day there was a quality about myself which was missing, something you can't exactly just change for somebody.

Dam those successful couples.

Do I read you correctly... do you feel that he has a quality that you don't how?

Hehe yeah, how do they do it?

I don't know, I've known her for longer and get on really well with her, so there must have been something which I don't have. A puzzle piece that's missing.

Isn't it that black and white?

I don't think it's that black and white! I honestly don't. What I do think is that you see different things in different people:

To go a bit into what I mean:

I have several friends who might have things in common, but they are all different from one another. They all give me different things, I see different things in each one, they all have personalities that are different, charm, humor and so on that's different...

But that's not to say that one lacks something the other has.

Also

Everyone who knows you like different things about you, and even when they like the same thing about you... I honestly believe that they like that thing for different reasons... I also think that they will relate to that thing differently because everyone you know is different...

LOL please tell me if that was confusing.. ;)

My point is, that she relates to you, the way she relates to you and she relates to him the way she relates to him

And yes, there must be something she likes about him... but that's not to say that he has a quality that you lack...

It might be that they just developed a different type of relationship, then what the two of you developed. (not trying to bum you out! But I do think that has something to do with it and not you lacking a quality that he has!)


Of course I can be wrong and all of this is just the way I see it because I am unable to compare the people in my life with one another.