Hello. This is difficult to write and explain so please hang in there with me. There are a few things jumbled up into this whole mess that are throwing me for a severe loop.

My boyfriend lives out of state. He and I talk every day. Lately he is getting into this bad habbit of saying he will call at one time and not call back for almost two hours later, of course, he never forgets, yah right.

That plays into what happens later, so here it goes...

Tuesday night I talk to boyfriend at 10:30 pm, he tells me he will call me back in half an hour, he leaves a voice mail at 1:00 am. To me that's not cool.

The next day, Wednesday. I was at my sisters house which is two hours away. Everyone else was out or on their way back to her house. My brother in law and I were at my sisters alone. He walks into the living room where I was sitting, pulls down his pants, his underware grabs my ches (all in one instant) and then says to me,. "lets do it...wannna do it". I pushed him away / off and when my sister got back with my daughter, we left.

Before they got back he said either "don't be freaked out or don't be all freaked out" and asked me if I was going to tell my sister.

They were going to divorce last I saw them. He is still there and last night things seemed pretty OK.. so I guess those plans were on the back burner...


When my sister gets back with my daughter, I get my stuff and head home. I didn't tell my sister yet. I was so upset and didn't want to be MORE shook up for a two hour drive home and scare my daughter with the confrontation.

So on the way home I call my boyfriend and tell him what happened. He is upset and scared for me. I was not physically hurt. He is furious at what my brother in law did and then starts the questions. He didn't like I handled it... and so this is what he had to say...

He was MAD. Then he was going on and on about why I didn't tell her right then and there and told me "you won't listen to me, you are going to do what you are going to do" Asked again if I was OK and then said "You have an exciting life, no guy ever comes over and drops his pants in front of me"... that part was supposed to be funny in his lame attempt to lighten the mood, but I find it HORRIBLY INSENSITVE and cruel.

He was finishing up at work and told me to call him when I got closer to home. I did just th at at 8:30 p m. I also mentioned to him about calling me back when he says he is going to... he got bent out of shape and said he isn't going to argue about that... said he would talk to me later, and bye... he then hung up. That was at 8:30 p m last night (Wednsday).

The brohter in law left a voice mail message on my phone this morning (Thursday) apologizing saying he doesn't know what came over him and he will never do it again, and that he is ashamed of himself. I didn't take the call nor will I call back.

It is now 4 pm and I have not heard from him since 8:30 pm Wed. night. Not one call to see how I was feeling. I was and still am very upset and hurt... more than I can express. I fell like I have no support from the boyfriend, hell I don't.

The brother in law is a scum sucking jerk. The boyfriend isn't far behind in my mind right now. The boyfriend will call later telling me how busy of a day he had and so on and so on.

I'm sorry, if the love of my life had been sexually assaulted or abused, no busy day would keep me from checking on them...

I'm so lost on so many levels... but I feel such a huge slap in the face by the boyfriend, the one who should be there.

Hi justlaw... firstly ditch the boyfriend, he's messing you around, no support at all, puts you down, sees and calls when he feels like it... get rid, he's no good for you.


You must tell someone about your brother-in-law, how dare he.
He is deceiving your sister, she should know about this.
I wander how many times he has done this kind of thing behind her back with somebody else?

Turn the situation around for a moment.
If it were your husband and he'd done to her what was done to you... would she tell you? Would you want to be told?

Would you rather share a bed with a man who I think is somehow perverted!

In my opinion there is no way any person could keep this to themselves for any length of time,
There will be situations in the future where I am sure you will find yourself alone with this man for what ever reason, maybe baby sitting or for someother reason, how are you going to explain that to your sister when you say no I'd rather not.

I think she deserves to know, if a few years down the line it happens to come out, you will take the blame because she was not told.

Orphan, I know I have to tell her, I just don't know how right this sec. I'm still in utter shock. I think of their kids and grand kids. He was married before and has children with his ex wife. I keep seeing their faces and it kills me. I feel so guilty about things I had no control of and I know I did nothing wrong, but still feelso guilt ridden.

The boyfriend, I don't know what to say about that right now. I don't think I have high expectations at all. I really feel like he is way out of line and I can't wrap myself around the notion that he hasn't even called once today to see if I am OK. He has proposed, professed his love for me and my kids, was just here for a visit, and this is how he acts when something like this happends??

I mean how do you not call to see how the other person is, it's not like I broke a toe, I was sexually assaulted. I'm confused.

I hope you still have the voice mail message. You might need it to back up your story.

Don't feel guilty. That is part of what he is counting on to keep you from telling your sister. If they are trying to make it work, she needs to have all the facts so that she can make an informed decision. Keep this in mind, the sooner you tell her the less time he has of making up something that makes you look like the aggressor.

As for the boyfriend, I would suggest if after this you decide to keep him as such that you talk to him about how you feel about being "forgotten". It sounds like he is taking advantage of the fact that he knows you will be there even if he keeps jerking you around.

It may also be time for you (plural) to decide if the long distance relationship is working or how to compromise in ways that work for both of you.

First off, it's easier said to break up than do to it. Anyhow the long relationship is not ideal, you should try and talk to him. I mean communication is the key here and as your boyfriend he has the right to know what is going on in your head.

Is there someone you could bounce the assault information off before bringing it up to your sister? I mean, like a good girlfriend or a counselor of some sort.

Yes, you were assaulted. You're reeling, freaked out and in shock. You need to confide in someone who is supportive and un-biased.

It sounds like your boyfriend has issues. He may not be the person to lean on now... or ever.

I have called a counselor and am going to call back to set up an appointment. This happened last Wednesday, the 24th and I took the kids out yesterday to a fest. I live 2 hours from the jerk and while out I felt so scared. I know he wouldn't be there, but I felt the need to keep looking over my shoulder.

My oldest who is nine said to me last night "Mom what's going on with you, you seem odd, not like yourself." She went on to say that my voice is low and sad and I have sad eyes. I'm crushed. Hopefully I can get into a good counselor.

As far as the boyfriend, after talking to him at 8:30 Wed. night (read above) he ended up calling to "check up" on me on his drive home from work on Thursday at 6:00 p.m. He didn't want anyone to hear him checking up on me regarding the circumstances... so I guess saying "I'm here for you" was expecting too much??

I have told him how I feel... I'm very up front with that. When he called on that Thursday I let him know what I was thinking about not calling when he says he would and that overall with this whole situation I told him "you dropped the ball buddy". He said he didn't want to hurt me or say the wrong thing... and then questioned my saying "buddy".

Today is Sunday and I have heard NOTHING from him since. There's my support. I feel like I have been double gut punched.

I know it angered him what happened, but I think he could have put his hurt feelings and anger about it on the back burner and focused a little more on what happened to me... it's not like I busted a toe, I was sexually assaulted.

How does someone who says they love you so much... just not call, because they don't want to say the wrong thing or whatever his reasoning is... to me, that's cruel.

How does someone who says they love you so much....just not call, because they don't want to say the wrong thing or whatever his reasoning is.......to me, that's cruel.

I am glad you are going to see a counselor.

On the boyfriend issue, I think they sometimes feel they are in a no win situation. They say something and it gets taken the wrong way or it seems to down play the seriousness. They don't say something and they end up looking like insensitive idiots.

It's like they don't think of saying "I am here if you need me" or "Is there anything I can do?" or even "I love you. I wish I could be there for you."

Cat, I wish it was that with the boyfriend. He was upset about what happened, very angry I won't deny that. He seemed more upset about how angry he was than how I was feeling. He kept telling me how angry HE was and how he saw RED and how he didn't like how I handled the situation.

The night it happened, I had asked him to return calls when he said he would... that was an issue I had BEFORE the assault. He then said to me that he didn't want to get in a fight and would talk to me later. I didn't hear from him until the next day after 6 pm.

He didn't call to see how I was, to check on me... to let me know I was there for him... nothing. Two seconds out of his day to say I love you would have made a world of difference in not feeling so alone in all of this...

So between his being angry at me of how I handled it all, his dumb comment about my "exciting life" and his, I'll wait to call her... I told him he dropped the ball.

He said he didn't want to hurt me and he would talk to me later. How about stepping it up... how about not making it about you... how about realizing that the woman he says he loves more than anything was sexuallly assaulted and be there for her... I don't think it's that difficult.

Instead I am reeling from this and I haven't heard from him since Thursday...

Maybe I am wrong, but there's no excuse. I was assaulted.

Best advice I can give is to talk to the counselor about the boyfriend as well as the assult.

I really do hope that venting here is helping with some of the stress and anger. If nothing else that it is helping get your thoughts in order for the appointment.

I wish there was more I could do than just listen.

Cat it really does help just to be heard and I want to thank you and everyone else for doing so.

Justlaw, I'm sorry for your situation. I know you need a hug. Is your mother around?

Now, I want to know why you can't call your sister and tell her what happened to you. That in itself will make you feel better. You have a tremendous burden on you, and you need some help with it. I am glad to hear that you are going to see a counselor.

Get this guy out of your lives, now.

Now for the boyfriend. Has he always been so selfish? How does he treat you normally?
I know if something like that happened to MY girlfriend, I would race to her side and make sure she was OK. Then, I would have a face to face "talk" with the brother in law. I usually don't believe in violence, but I honestly don't think I could let something like that go unpunshed. I know that's going to make a lot of our members mad, but...

I think maybe you've seen that your boyfriend is no help in a crisis. Him trying to make a joke at a time like that shows a lot. As far as him not calling, that's just very uncaring or he's not that smart. Maybe you need change of partners. You obviously don't like the way he treats you.

The brother in law needs punishing. By all means possible. Who knows that he wouldn't do something like that to a minor?

Time will help you heal.

May GOD give you strength and peace.

Jmjoseph,

The boyfriend was and I am sure still is VERY angry. It is hard because I live near Chicago and he lives near Texas... so I am sure there is a sense of helplessness on his part... but there is more than one way to be there for someone.

When I told him th at he dropped the ball, he said he didn't want to say anything to hurt me... so that will be his reasoning for not calling, so that he wouldn't say anything bad.

When I told him about calling when he says, get got a bit miffed that I brought it up. I'm sorry but if you tell your partner you are going to call in a half hour and you don't call till two hours later and it starts to be a pattern... well... then there is an issue.

He swears by his love for me. He tells me I am the love of his life. He wants to marry me... blah blah blah.

I guess I expect too much. How do you not call to see if your girlfriend who was sexually assaulted by a family member is OK... PERIOD... because he didn't want to say anything to hurt me, because I may take something the wrong way and get my feelings hurt?? That's bull.

He definitely needed to step it up, not cop out which is what he is doing. I am floored. It doesn't make sense to me... I haven't heard from him since Thursday... callous. I don't get it, how do you act tha t way with someone you love. You don't, you suck it up and you step it up and you treat the person with care, especially at a time like this. You don't cower in a corner and have what seems like a hissy fit.

Ok I know I am venting on him a lot. But, he should be there for me...

I can't change what happened with the BIL... I am going to counseling for that... I am all over the place feelings wise, which is why I really needed the boyfriend, more than ever.

I feel like one of the most important people in my life has turned his back on me in a crisis. It's breaking me...

Thanks for letting me vent, it helps just to get it out.

The BIL needs to be out of your life altogether the deepest circle of hell is reserved for those sort of people he'll get his just desserts but I do agree with jmjoseph a face off is exactly what I would do.

As for your BF he needs to step it up if he loves you as much as he says he does let him prove it.

Good luck with the rest of issue

I had my first counseling appt today and it was ROUGH. I could barely look at the therapist. I would love to take a bat to the BIL. The therapist explained that a lot of what I was feeling is normal... but I don't feel normal.

The boyfriend, she said was SELFISH and she said she was putting that mildly. I told her that he will come back later and say that he was afraid that I might take something he said the wrong way. He kept saying he didn't want to upset me or hurt me and this is what he will end up saying he meant by that statement.

EVEN if that were the case, it's mind boggling to get why he has not contacted me. I can't call him, I am so hurt. I don't want to call him. I feel as if I do, that I am begging for his support and I should not have to do that, nor will I. This in no way feels like love to me.

She explained that basically it's betrayal all the way around. I agree, the BIL violated my trust and my family. The boyfriend turned his back on me.

Does any of this make any sense to anyone or I am looking at it all wrong on both counts?

It makes perfect sense. You shouldn't have to beg for something that should be freely given. He let his feelings dominate and cause you more hurt. He should have given you the validation that instead you are getting from a bunch of strangers and a therapist.

It may not seem like it but what you are feeling is normal (as normal as anything is).

Is she going to help you deal with telling your sister?

We didn't get that far yet, but I am sure she will. That's going to even harder than the rest of this... :-(

Another thing I won't doubt the boyfriend saying is that I could have called him (during all this time).

But by his choosing not to call in claims that he didn't want to say the wrong thing and have me take it the wrong way, and keep from hurting me more, is actually about HIM and not me... correct?

Today I was at a store. I saw the same guy in two nearby isles and was SURE he was following me and staring at me. He wasn't, but that's how freaked I am.

Freaking out is a normal reaction considering what you have been through so try not to worry too much about that.
As for your boyfriend he s not given you the support a mature loving partner would.
He comes across as a weak selfish immature person and Id seriously ask myself if Id want to be with him if I were you.
Therapy s the way to continue.
I hope it goes well for you.
Keep posting all the best to you.

Thanks guys. I really do appreciate all of this.

I am just glad that you are getting help now instead 6 months or a year down the road when new "self-protective" habits would have had time to set in and the resentment/anger had a chance to harden. So many people wait, hiding from the pain, anger and disillusionment and that makes healing even harder and more difficult.

You must be a very strong woman to face this without running away for even a week or so.

Thank you. I don't feel very strong, I feel very alone.

Can you talk to some friends?
And make plans to do something this evening so you're not on your own?

I have my two girls this evening. When I am out I feel like men are staring at me. I am not vain, it's nothing like that at all... it's just fear.

Justlaw, How are things? Have you considered talking to your sister yet? I know you have mentioned feeling vulnerable while out. I would recommend maybe getting some mace or pepper spray for your purse. It will give you some sense of security. Make sure your kids can't get to it.

I have thought of you, and your situation. It is a terrible position he has put you in. But remember that things could always be worse. And time will make things better.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

At least, you aren't letting the fear cripple you. You are recognizing it for what it is and that will help.

All of this is still extremely new and you will settle back down, but it will take time. Try not to let what your Brother-in-law did cause you to question your judgment. You didn't make the bad choice. He did.

jmjoseph,

I went to a counselor yesterday so I have to get my mind together before I can do anything. It is a terrible position and I hate him for it. I still haven't heard from my boyfriend who will end up telling me I could have called at any tmie and he didn't call because he didn't want me to take anything he said the wrong way and be further hurt and I am starting to hate him for that.

You have two separate issues before you

The sisters husband, and his unwanted behavior: She needs to know, ASAP!!

The boyfriend not being emotionally available to support you: He ain't got what you need, when you need it, so you don't need him. I wouldn't call him at all. Let him stew in his own juices, until YOU are ready to deal with it.

But you made a good move to go to counseling, for support, and guidance. That in itself should help you overcome your fear, with direct actions, and no excuses.

I think your sister will have to come to grips that you, and the kids, can't be put in situations like this, because of her jerk of a husband.

At least, you aren't letting the fear cripple you. You are recognizing it for what it is and that will help.

All of this is still extremely new and you will settle back down, but it will take time. Try not to let what your Brother-in-law did cause you to question your judgment. You didn't make the bad choice. He did.



Cat I know that and then I don't. For some reason I feel guilty despite having done nothing.

Cat I know that and then I don't. For some reason I feel guilty despite having done nothing.
Shock, and confusion generally follow traumatic events.

Shock, and confusion generally follow traumatic events.


There is a lot of that going on. I know this all is going to take time. I haven't called the boyfriend, I can't. I can't ask him why he isn't there to get some lame answer. But then on the other hand, it is killing me, breaking my heart. To me it's cold and cruel for any reason to distance himself like that, and it's hard not to feel that pain.

There is a lot of that going on. I know this all is going to take time. I haven't called the boyfriend, I can't. I can't ask him why he isn't there to get some lame answer. But then on the other hand, it is killing me, breaking my heart. To me it's cold and cruel for any reason to distance himself like that, and it's hard not to feel that pain.

JustLaw, It's a shame that you're getting more support here, from strangers, than you are from your so called boyfriend. If I were you, I would break off all contact with him.

Somewhere out there, is a man that will treat you right, love you, support you, and make your life complete.

I wouldn't even give him the satisfaction of making up some lame a$$ excuse for not calling you, or being there for you at a time like this.

He's not a boyfriend. He's just some guy that uses you whenever he's in town.

The one good thing that has come out of this event that you've experienced, is that you've seen his true colors.

I wish you the best.

The assault happened one week ago today. Still in shock, still confused and I think I always will be. I'd like to kick the BIL in his what nots.

I am so used to talking to the BF every day... and now, nothing. Of course, he doesn't want to say the wrong thing, so I t's best to be distant... riiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

Yes! Stay as far away as possible. You're still in the early stages of recovering, so give yourself more time to heal. Try to avoid thinking about this situation. Keep yourself as occupied and distracted as much as possible so that you don't add to the confusion. Stay strong with your decision. We're always here to support you.

Be patient with yourself.

Sometimes I feel like I am over reacting with the whole thing. Like it could have been worse with the BIL and like the BF tried...

Your not over reacting to your brother in law, his behavior was disgusting, but it was made worse by the reactions of your boyfriend, who you were tripping on because of his behavior. Its been a week since this happened, tell someone close to you before you start freaking out. Tell your mom, let her guide you. You don't have any close, really close, friends you trust?

Not overly close no.

Call your sister, (first choice) or call your mom. Deal with this issue first, the boyfriend can wait. The longer you put this off, the longer it festers in your mind, and makes all other issues you have that much more harder to deal with.

Sometimes I feel like I am over reacting with the whole thing. Like it could have been worse with the BIL and like the BF tried.....

Don't compromise your feelings. Your first reaction was spot on.

For any reason, it's bad that the boyfriend hasn't called, isn't it..

Your looking for love, and support in the wrong places. He obviously isn't going to help you through this.

Not what you wanted to hear, I know, but seems to be a fact to deal with.

You do need to tell your sister as soon as you can. Have you even talked to her since you got home? She really needs to know what happened especially if she was thinking about a separation or divorce from her husband before this happened.

I know it isn't an easy thing to even contemplate doing right now and I know there are the fears that she will take his side. Somehow, though, I think this may be what she needs, too. I have been wondering how many of her friends or other women he has done this to.

I have said it before and I know you have said you don't feel it, but you are a very strong woman (even under the shock and confusion) and I think your children have a good role model in their mother.

Thank you for the compliment Cat. It's the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a long time.

You're welcome because it's true. :)

I feel so alone.

I feel so alone.

You aren't. We're here. :)

When is your next session?

Im sorry you feel alone-you ve had and still have a tough time.
Is there someone you could phone or visit to take your mind off things for a while?

I'll pull through.

Well I told my sister last night. It went OK but still killed me and broke my heart. The brother in law had been giving her a hard time about things and calling her a bunch of BAD names. She had already planned on divorcing and he was being a jerk, in general.

I could tell she was mad, but not at me. She told me to do what I have to do to take care of me and the kids. She told me I didn't do anything wrong and that everything will be OK. I felt relieved on one hand and sick to my stomach on the other.

She was out when I told her, I didn't know that... but she said she called BIL and told him that she was DONE and was not going to fight or ague with him anymore. That she had... had it! She didn't tell him what she knew, but she said she could tell he knew what she was talking about because he can be very argumentative and he didn't say a thing.

Within minutes he called my cell. I didn't answer and he left no message, thank God.

In my relief, I did text the boyfriend just to say, I had called and told my sister. Why I did I don't know... maybe I thought he would be proud of me.. but of course, still no response... since Sept. 24th.

I'm glad you finally told her. I know it feels bad right now, but you did the right thing and it sounds like she feels the same way.

That was a huge step in healing yourself. It might have been a step for her too.

Sorry the (I hope) ex-boyfriend still hasn't managed to find his head.

How is counseling going?

You ve handled this really well and as you are so strong and able to stand up for yourself you ll come through this.
As for the boyfriend I sincerely hope you re leaving him in the past as well.
Let him stay under that rock he crawled under weeks ago.
All the best.

I have my 3rd appt today. The boyfriend still hasn't contacted me. I find myself nervous about the BIL showing up. Everyone assures me that he won't, but I still feel scared.

If you feel that he might take his frustration and anger out on you, at the very least, keep your cell phone handy ready to dial the police in your area.

Since your therapist has handled situations like this before, tell her about your fears and see what she says. It is also a lot easier for you to give her more information about why you are worried than it is to give us every little detail. Plus there is something to be said for personal contact when you are discussing concerns about safety issues.

Keep your eyes open and trust your instincts.

I hope today's session goes well. :)

It went OK... I reached out to the BF via my blog, which he read. I put it all out there, what I thought was going on, how I didn't know for sure because he wasn't communicating, wondered why he wasn't communicating... and nothing. So... I said your silence tells me you have moved on and let me go...

He didn't respond, so in my mind, he didn't differ.

Well his silence speaks volumes. I hope your counselling goes well and that you make good recovery from the breakup as well.

I hope so. This one really bites. They way he did it AND the way he didn't do it... and when. I know there is never a good time for a break up but this was lower than low and cruel.

How heartless is this?? From a man who just a week before told me how much he loved me. What a joke. We were together for 15 months...

From the way he has treated me during this, I feel like the whole thing was a lie. I feel like such a joke.

You re no joke at all-you re a very strong person who s handling not one horror but two very well.
Your ex s a joke and a bad one.
Breakups are tough -but you re well rid of that coward.
Love is not about words but about actions-his actions or lack of same are abominable.
Take care of yourself .

It's killing me inside.

When we go through these traumas it does feel like that sometimes.
It will get better though ,time is a healer.
Have you got friends and family to talk to?
It helps when we have people who care about us around.

I've tried but I have found people only want to talk a bit here and there. Nothing solid at all.

Am I wrong or is he treating me as if I have wronged him?

I fully agree with amicon that you are not the joke. That excuse for a human being is. It is a good thing you found out now instead of later how he handles stressful situations or rather doesn't handle them.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. You are so much better than he deserves.

I can only give my opinion but he could be the kind of emotional coward who s out of the door as soon as there is any sign of trouble.
The wrong was done to you. Your BIL abused you.
A loving boyfriend would have been fully supportive of you.
How often are you seeing your counsellor?

I'm still in shock that he is acting this way.

That's understandable.when we re with somebody we expect them to be there for us.
The shock will wear off and you ll be able to start moving on.
Have you read the stickies at the top of the page?

The stickies at the top of the page?

At the top of the Relationship Forum, there are several stickies (posts that don't move) dealing with break ups and No Contact.

They re at the top of the relationship page-advice about breakups-what to do when you ve broken up etc.

Yah I just started looking at those. I'm going to TRY. Luckily for me he lives a few states away. I want to send him back everything he ever gave me. He was just here a few days before I was asaulted, it was my daughters birthday. I am so angry I would like to send that present back...

You could give all his gifts to a charity shop. You don't need reminders of the so and so.

You could give all his gifts to a charity shop. You dont need reminders of the so and so.

Just don't punish your daughter by taking away her gift, because this guy is less emotionally mature than she is.

That's a good idea.

Cat, that's true. He is really a jerk isn't he?

I'm hurt but am finding that there are some aspects of this that are so abusrd that I just have to laugh. Like for instance... he is on my Facebook. He has been on since this incident and his not talking to me, and he hasn't changed his status from "in a relationship". He has kept that the same. Yet he is treating me the way he is, and from my blogs he knows what I am thinking and he hasn't said anyting at all. I don't think he has a logical bone in his bdoy.

I agree he s a jerk-and that's putting it politely.

It feels good to let it out and not be sensitive to HIS feelings. Did you note my last post about Facebook? What a crock.

Yes-you re better off without him and you ll never have to consider his feelings again.
Time to look after you and your daughter.

My heart still breaks

I understand. Do you need a shoulder or a distraction?

Both... and I need to understand why.

I wish I had answers for you. It hurts to not know, but some questions don't have an answer as much as we want them to.

I can suggest that you defriend him on Facebook. It seems to be one of the last things that people think about in going full No Contact. Even looking at it once every so often is a type of contact for you and can be a set back in healing.

How is therapy going?

On a much lighter note, how are your children doing? Are they getting ready all the upcoming Holidays? :)

While I feel for your hurt, I can't help feel that something better is in your future, and they will care like this dude didn't.

I guess. This guy is 50 years old too boot.

Well this is my little update. I blocked him on myspace and Facebook. We both share a love for Superman and it's a major hobby so we are both on a forum where we have made many friends.

He hasn't posted much but then about a week ago or so he posted to another mutual friend congratulating her on becoming an aunt. I was crushed. He was showing her kindness and humanity and here I was "the love of his life" and he showed me nothing.

I am ashamed to say that he has some pictures of me... you can imagine the kind. They aren't on a camera, they are actual photos. Some of the feelings with the assault from time to time are feeling icky and dirty and when I remembered those pics were out there, I felt more gross. I wanted them gone.

I don't think he would post them on the internet, but I wanted them gone... for me, for my piece of mind. So I sent two texts which went unreplied. So the idiot that I am, I sent two emails (days apart)... just saying that I would like those photos to be destroyed and somehow to let me know that they were... for my piece of mind. No reply.

So that was enough for me. I removed myself from the forum, deleted his email addy, deleted his cell phone number and sent him an email telling him that from his actions which was all I had to go by, we have been over for a while... but I was saying it for myself.

I also mentioned that no one deserves to be treated that way, much less after they have been assaulted and now it was time for ME.

A few days later, I got a box, filled it with everything he gave me. His ring, jewelry, clothes, lingire, pictures that he sent me, knick nacks... you name it. The box was 8 pounds and shipped back to his happy @ss in Texas.

I am still bummed. Sometimes it hurts a lot. Sometimes I want to call him, but I don't. I don't want to email him, I don't want to text him, and I won't. I did what I had to do.

I am surprised, but then I shouldn't be. I can't believe he couldn't let me know about the pictures... what a jerk!

Any thoughts?

I'm becoming one tough cookie!

Hi!
The guy s an idiot. And I'm sorry you had to leave a site that you enjoyed.
As for the photographs fingers crossed nothing will happen.
Good of you to return his things I think I would have just given everything to a charity shop but that's me.
You know you will get over this-with time.
Just keep looking after yourself and yours-take care.

I sent them to him to make a point. Not so much to him, but for myself.

In regards to the pictures, I would have been more than OK with a message from him.. or from him asking a friend to tell me "they're gone", that's all it had to say...

But no, he wouldn't do that much.

Yah it's a bummer about the site but after seeing him congratulate our friend when he can't show me that same kindness and I was the love of his life (his words) and was assaulted was a HUGE slap in the face...

So to save my dignity, I left.

I am glad that you got rid of his things. It doesn't really matter how you did it, just that you removed one more reminder of him.

How is therapy going?

It's going OK. I'm still bummed that I have no answers, but it's better than before. Tomorrow is my birthday, so I am a bit bummed.

I still can't believe that he didn't tell me a word about those pictures.

I think you may end up with his silence being the only answer you get.

If I don't see you tomorrow, I hope it turns out to be a happy birthday. :)

Don't worry.
You're doing great. Be glad that you are away from him.

Have an amazing birthday!

Van

Cat I know and it's such a low blow. It's down right cruel. Thank you for the birthday wishes.

Van I know it's the right thing to do, but I miss him so much. I hope this passes. Thank you for the birthday wishes.

I miss my ex sometimes, but honestly its only fleeting.

I think about her actions, manipulation and some of the hurtful stuff that came out of mouth. And how I put up with all of it.

To know at the end of the day that she didn't really give a rats a$$ about me.

We don't deserve that.

No we don't. He sucks dog turds.

Happy Birthday Just Law! You don't need the guy. There will always be someone else. Meanwhile, do you think your brother-in-law tried to sexually assault someone else before or do you think he will do it to someone else? If you have any concern, you may need to talk to the police. If you think you should keep your mouth shut so your sister won't get hurt or there's a chance that your sister will shun you instead, think about many others that your brother-in-law will hurt. If talking to the police maybe too difficult than talk to social service. Just because your brother-in-law says that he will never sexually harass you again doesn't mean he won't do it to others.

Yeah,
When are you going to tell your sister?

Thank you 2nd.

Van I already told her...

Happy Birthday!

May today be the beginning of a better year. :)

Have a good year you deserve it!

So today I get an email from him...

Janet

Happy Birthday

Jim

I'm surprised he even remembered.

The polite thing would be to thank him, however, I don't feel particularly polite where he is concerned.

I hope you are ignoring him.

And now it gets... I don't know what it gets...

But that forum that I was on that I left... well I got the strength to go back on yesterday and am OK.

So not only did I get an email from him today... he goes on the forum and starts a happy birthday thread for me...

What the heck is going on?

Weird.

Doesn't sound cool or honest.

Just messing with your head.

Don't let him.

Enjoy your forum and ignore him.

It sounds like he is playing some kind of game that only he knows the rules of. Don't get drawn in. Let him continue to play Solitaire.

Weird is right.

Just an update and a question.

Update... he's lost his marbles.

After that birthday email he went onto a forum that we are both a part of and started a birthday thread for me there. He later in the day posted "the gang at the bar wanted to know of my bounty from my bday" and then how his buddy Dave was passed out on his couch and right before he passed out he asked "What did Janet get for her bday" and again told me how the gang at the bar REALLY wanted to know what I got, if I had cake and ice cream, if I got what I wished for and if there was something I was wishing for... and then asked... "what are you wishing for?"

I attribute it to being drunk.


Ok the question. I had a dream the other night that really didn't have much to do with him.. but left me wondering about something he had mentioned to me before. Tell me if this sits right with any of you?

He told me that he has never hit anyone. I can believe that... but... he went on to tell me that his mom thought that he had hit his ex-wife and in turn called his sister and asked her to call his ex and ask her if she had ever been hit.

This was after they had already split.

I don't get that. How does a mom think that of her son? I know he had been hit a few times by his dad whenhe was young, so maybe that's where it stems from... but...

Neither his mom nor his sister brought it to his attention. They never said anything to him at all. For a mom to think that of her son makes me wonder. For the sister to get that call and not call her brother and let him know what their mom is thinking and immediately call the ex to see if she was OK, makes me wonder as well.

The only way he knew about it is when the ex called him to let him know what was going on...

What does that suggest to you guys??

His mother may have been trying to come to terms about why they got divorced and may have been watching too many talk shows about 'abused' boys growing up to be abusive men. It could also have been a reaction to medication or alcohol.

It may be his mother getting past and present a bit confused. Did his father hit her? If he did, then it could be that her mind decided to remember it as happening to someone else such as her ex-daughter-in-law.

Those are just a few ideas of what could have happened.

Maybe it's a warning, about him and his family.

I don't believe his dad hit his mom, but could be wrong. It just always struck me odd. It would take something HUGE for me to believe my son, if I had one, could do something like that, but I would confront him... not the sister, and have her call the ex wife.

Just strange why they didn't go to him...

Now I am seeing things differently and maybe this was a red flag.

I think it says a lot.

Be glad to be away from this madness.

The next thing is to stop wasting your precious time on dysfunctional people and reasons.

Its not worth it.

Think of the future

lilserenity, a word of advice, please read an entire thread before responding. In many cases, this one included, there have been developments since the original question was asked that change the advice that is needed such as she has already told her sister.

Sorry its all been said.. I will delete what I posted..

Someone recently told me that I was being unfair to the ex by getting upset that he didn't call till 6 pm. And that by calling so late, he wasn't blowing me off...

I was being unfair.

Don't worry about that stuff anymore. Its in the past.
Try to not let that occupy your time any longer.

Hi!
The guy s an idiot. And I m sorry you had to leave a site that you enjoyed.
As for the photographs fingers crossed nothing will happen.
Good of you to return his things I think I would have just given everything to a charity shop but thats me.
You know you will get over this-with time.
Just keep looking after yourself and yours-take care.


We ended up doing a little texting and he told me he still had the pictures but I could have them back. He told me he didn't reply to my requests before because he "luvs" them and he didn't want to lie to me (about saying he destroyed them) when he didn't and he is sentimental.

So... basically he just let me sit and feel bad instead of doing the right thing and destroying them when I asked... why? Because he's sentimental. Yah right.

Van

Ok.

You can't fret about those. What's done is done.

Just have zero contact with him.
You will avoid any further manipulation.

And you'll avoid all confusion,time to go NC again and not have to worry about his thoughts and actions.