I say 5/6 so you have a better idea of her age. She will be 6 in 2 weeks so she pretty much is 6 more or less.

Most of you know what's going on. My husband attacked me then went to work. And then while me and my aunt and uncle were packing our stuff, he came home from work and cornered me in the kitchen and would have hit me again if my uncle (an ex cop works in a jail, very large man) walked in the apartment from the parking lot and saw it.

We left him. And are living with my mom. My daughter has gone through so much in her young life... when she was born her father left. I had 1 other boy friend, whom ayla loved and started calling daddy when she was 1 and 2 years old. That relationship ended well for me and him, he was sorry but simply not ready to be a parent. I respect that.

Then I met my husband. And since meeting him, I have been in and out of the hospital (emotional breakdowns, sudicidal ect) which I'm sure affected my daughter. My husband and I broke up for weeks at a time several times, and once, last year, the end of October, we left him for 6 months and lived with my mom. Then we went back to him.

Until 3 weeks ago, when my husband attacked me.

My daughter had to leave her school to go to a different one after only a few short weeks at her first school... and in the new school, they talked abuot moving her to another class (the kindergarten class was very full and they had a new teacher coming in to take some of the kids into her class) and that upset her, so I went into the school and explained the situation and she won't be moving anymore. She is in this class for GOOD. No matter what happens.

She has had such an unstable life...

Yet when I talk to her about her feelings, about everything happening, she says she is fine. Nothing is wrong. She isn't sad. She isn't mad. She isn't upset. The only thing she says is she missed daddy. And when I asked her why she just changed the subject.


I have a few questions.

1: should I get her to see a child psychologist. (I don't think she needs a psychiatrist, but a psychologist/therepist/councellor)

2: should I be tryign to force the issue of her talking? Try to make her come out with it, and keep talking to her and talking and pushing her to get her emotions out? Or should I back off?


I have told her that if she EVER wants to talk, she can talk to me about anything. And I have told her its OK if she is angry or upset with me for leaving 'daddy' and I told her it was OK to be sad. But I get nothing from her.

When I was raped as a child (not the same thing, but still, traumatic) I forced everything down and didn't talk to anyone about it, and it destroyed me. I Don't want that to happen to her. If she is upset, or depressed or sad or angry I want her to let it out and verbalize it... and yes, even throw a fit about it if it will help...

I hope all that makes sense.

My dear jenniepepsi I am so sorry you have gone through so much. My heart is out to you.

I wouldn't press the issues with her right now, if you do, it will withdraw her from talking about these sad things more so. I would take her to, or you go without her, to your doctor and get a referral to a specialist who can deal with child trauma. You are right, they are so much more willing to unburden themselves to the right stranger.

You made perfect sense, and I hope my input helped you dear. Please keep in touch with all of us, you know we are your community and here to help.

I wondered why you hadn't been on for a bit, and actually had a feeling that something like this had happened.

Tick

I suggest you stop questioning her and trying to get her to talk. That often makes a child shut up even tighter.

Instead, do things with her like make cookies or brownies or cupcakes, let her help make grilled cheese sandwiches (she can "build" the sandwiches) or even do simple things to make a salad (tear lettuce, cut green or black olives in half with a dull plastic knife, and with that same knife rinsed off, cut Kraft American or Swiss singles into smaller pieces). These activities will help her fine-motor skills and hand-eye coordination.

Tell stories with her to stimulate her imagination and thinking, take her to the library a couple of times a week to find books together that you two read there or at home. Play games with her -- Old Maid, War, jigsaw puzzles, board games.

Have her help you clean house and create a chart on which you list the chores to be done and on which day (good for you too to have a plan)-- she can empty wastebaskets, vacuum, dust, straighten knick-knacks, restack books, fold laundry, etc. When I was that age, my mom stood me on a kitchen chair and gave me "safe" dishes to wash and rinse and put into the drainer. Use your working together as a time for chatty, fun conversation. Take a break with her to eat cookies and milk. If she has something to complain about or tell you about, any part of this together-time is when she will do it. (My mom used to do all of the above with me to stimulate conversation and to teach me about housework. :) )

Jennie,
As WG and tick mentioned don't force her to talk about it.

This could possibly be giving more importance to the traumatic events, instead get things as normal as possible and follow the advice WG has given.

Form a bond with your daughter, so that if she does need to talk she will choose to talk to you.

Hope things get better for you and Ayla.

Thanks everyone. I will back off.
And your right. When I was anywhere between 7-13 and had a really great child pshychologist she was awesome. BUT at that age, I knew she was a doctor, but I didn't realise what she was doing, because she did all those things with me that WG said. We played board games, cards, made a paper 'mah-shay' (sorry I can't spell it lol) piniata, and all at the same time talked to me and let me open my heart up to her.

Thank you everyone for all the support I get from all of you here. I know sometimes it sounds like I'm being annoying and silly and ask stupid questions, and sometimes I'm not always clear on things, but it really means a lot to me that you all help me out and support me. I've got one friend in real life, and I'm trying to get back out into the world of friendships and such, but its hard, and you all have made things much easier on me simply by listening.

Hang in there, Jennie - hang in there.

um...zippit im confused. lol.
I'm going to be real brave here and explain what zippit probably meant with his comment, its so easy for those who say "take her to a specialist" thats a little bitty part of a child. you are the big brown bear...

Mom becomes the "big brown bear" (kinda like the bad guy) when she sweeps innocent little Ayla off to a specialist. Zippit is warning Jennie not to be in such a hurry to do that and thus possibly create new problems. Like Jennie indicated, the therapist she had as a child did almost the same things a good mom will do, so that Ayla will feel comfortable in opening up as her relationship with her mom gets closer.

.
what does hurt is the why?and that is the hard part..so save that for later.

Hi zippit, I totally agree with this part of your reply, not that the other wasn't bad too, but I do think that Aylie asking her mom 'why' would be a hard road to go down right now. She may not be ready to ask that for a long time and by then her mom will have a good answer.

Tick

Yes, almost every one has already given you enough solutions and advice, and to top it up I also suggest its better if you don't take her to any specialist. Or else she will have the feeling that she is not normal like other kids. Just give her enough love and time. Be with her play with her, have merry time with her, go for picnic, go for ride. Help her in her work and school work. Teach her new things. I am sure, You'll definitely have a better time. Me, at the moment is also passing through a hard time. Don't know its outcome yet. Take care.

You know what I think your daughter might miss about "daddy?" (I'm going out on a limb here, so bare with me please) But I have a feeling he wasn't cruel to your daughter directly. Despite the way he has treated you, Has he treated her pretty well? Spent time with her? Been nice and given her things?

If this is the case, then I'm sure she probably misses him because she feels like he loves her. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't, I'm not sure. But if your daughter has observed any of the way he has treated you, then she might feel guilty abou tmissing him, because she knows that he has wronged you.

She might be only five, nearly 6, and maybe doesn't realizes why she's thinking this way, but maybe she doesn't want to make you feel guilty for separating her from her father. I'm sure she knows that there's a reason that you aren't with him anymore. She doesn't wan tto make you feel guilty.

Was I correct in guessing that her and her father had a relatively good relationship? If not, please correct me.
This is the only reason that I can think of as to why she won't talk other than her being mad at you.

Your right ohsohappy. Except for the one time last year when he directly told her that she was the reason me and him fought all the time (which oh so p#ssed me off!) he has always been nice to her.

If your daughter doesn't understand now that you are protecting her, she definitely will in the future. You're a great mom keeping her safe and wanting to help her. Things will be all right. :) good luck!

My kids went through too many changes in their life. As the others have said don't talk about it/the past. Live for today and work toward a better tomorrow and most of all be consistent as much as possible. Stay with your parents until you can afford to move on your own. Don't go back. Don't get another guy. Live for you and your daughter and bettering her life.
When she wants to talk be open. Other than that let it go.