THE WEDDING NIGHT

Paul and Mary get married
But couldn't afford a honeymoon -
So they go back to Paul's Mom and Dad's house
For their first night together.

In the morning
Johnny - Paul's little brother -
Gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door
To go to school - he asks his mom
If Paul and Mary are up yet.

She replies - No.

Johnny asks - Do you know what I think ?

His mom replies - I don't want to hear
What you think !

Just go to school.

Johnny comes home for lunch
And asks his mom -
Are Paul and Mary up yet ?

She replies - No.

Johnny says - Do you know what I think ?

His mom replies - Never mind what you think !

Eat your lunch and go back to school..

After school - Johnny comes home and asks again -
Are Paul and Mary up yet ?

His mom says - No.

He asks - Do you know what I think ?

His mom replies - Ok - now tell me what you think

He says - Last night Paul came to my room for the
Vaseline and I think..

I gave him my airplane glue.

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks..

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.

It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.

Tommy was over 2 hours late..

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John..

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.

We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John.. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair

Poor little kid

That was great!:D

Thanks. I thought it was hilarious and wanted to share it. Hope others like it too.

Poor father too.

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

To get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

And some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she

Very funny.

Thank You Twinkie. Glad you enjoyed it

Ha Ha... very good Adam , loved it :)


Speaking of weddings , if Claudia Schiffer married Brains from the Thunderbirds would that make her Claudia Schiffer-Brains ?

Now that was funny Friend

Not to funny, but I thought I would post anyway, so don't judge my humor over this.

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.
But, as time went by, the traffic
Slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his
Chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.



So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office
And said, "You've got to do something about all
of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."



"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers
Go out and erected a sign that said:


SLOW:

SCHOOL CROSSING


Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff
And said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.
The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county
Workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW:

CHILDREN AT PLAY




That really sped them up. So Farmer John called
And called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are
doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign.."
He was going to let Farmer John do just about
Anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.



The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the
Sheriff so he decided to give Farmer John a call.
"How's the problem with those drivers.
Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been
killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."
He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to
Himself, "I'd better go out there and take a
look at that sign... it might be something that
WE could use to slow down drivers..."





So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house,
And his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:


NUDIST COLONY

Go slow and watch out for chicks!

Works for me. :)

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord:

I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through.

So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.

Amen!'

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,

Set out their school clothes,

Fed them breakfast,

Packed their lunches,

Drove them to school,

Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,

Took it to the cleaners

And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,

Went grocery shopping,

Then drove home to put away the groceries,

Paid the bills and balanced the check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then, it was already 01P.M.


And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,


Dust,


And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.


Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.


Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.


Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.


At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper,


He cleaned the kitchen,


Ran the dishwasher,


Folded laundry,


Bathed the kids,


And put them to bed.


At 09 P.M .


He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.


I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.


Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.


Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:


'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.

You got pregnant last night.

I have to thank you for the trip down memory lane. I am suddenly having flashbacks to getting this in emails from friends who kept forwarding it. :)

I always did get a laugh, though. :D

Damn right, poor ba$tard

I couldn't imagine it. I will never ask why.

I couldn't imagine it. I will never ask why.

Memories only, like child birth, you forget the pain after a while.:D

This letter is a thing of beauty (even if the language is a bit rough)..

You definitely feel the guy's pain! An actual letter to the passport
Office...


Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows

That I bought a cable t.v. from them back in 1987, and yet, the Federal

Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the
Income tax forms I've filed for

The past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license,
On the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs
Declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane
Over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are
Done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is

Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that

Ever changed between now and when I die!!

I apologize, I'm really pissed off this morning.

Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullsh!t! You send the
Application to my house, then you

Ask me for my f'n address.

What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal a$$holes workin' there!

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up
Yasser Arafat, for sh!t sakes. I just want to go and park my a$$ on a
Sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a sh!t
Whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the
Urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd
Sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city
And get another f'n copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60.
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to
Assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? Nooooo, that'd be
To damn easy and maybe makes sense. You'd rather have us running all over
The f'n place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some
a$$hole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know,the
One where we're not allowed to smile? (bureaucratic f'n morons) Hey,
You know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!

Signed

- An Irate Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to
Confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776
... I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have
Had security clearances up the yingyang... However, I have to get
Someone' important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor
WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA !

Sincerely,

You Sure In The Hell Should Know Who.

... And we want them to run our health care?!

I sure would hope so.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is usually the husband.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow, I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, ball games.
Always something more important to me.

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes.

When I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said,
"you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, someday

Memories only, like child birth, you forget the pain after a while.:D

Until the next one. :(

Hahaha

Last month, I had an exceptionally good month. So, I get to work thinkin', there's no way I can pull it off another month. I mean, I was on two and three DWI nights last month, and I was thinking that it wasn't going to happen again this month, there's no way. July was a fluke.

And then I end up arresting two DWI's tonight. August is off to a great start! One night, 7 tickets, two DWI's, and a speeder excuse I've never heard. The guy just looked at me, after I stopped him for doing 65 in a 35, and says, "I gotta sh!t ." Good one.

Glad someone liked it.

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old
> woman was the talk of the town. After being married a
> year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their
> first child.
>
> The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to
> congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing.
> How do you do it at your age?'
>
> The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old
> motor running.'
>
> The following year, the couple returned to the hospital
> for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was
> attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate
> the old gentleman.
>
> She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you
> manage it?'
>
> The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old
> motor running.'
>
> A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth
> of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth
> also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the
> old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something
> else! How do you do it?'
>
> The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you got to keep
> the old motor running.'
>
> The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said:
>
> Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.'

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2) Less guilt the morning after.

1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

Hey, those were good, adam_89! :)

Thanks!

Oh gosh! This made my day!

For a moment there I thought you were posing a serious situation... 80 year old with a 20 year old.

Just about to give my view on such a situation when I arrived at the bottom of your post... ok you got me, hook line and sinker.

You're totally making my day! Keep 'em coming! :)

Love it!

Thanks. I'm glad you are liking them. Sorry if some are bad. I am just posting here and there the ones that make me laugh.

Hi, All!

See now? As soon as the word "sex" is inculded in the title, EVERYBODY hops on board!

Thanks!

Haha. Yea, that would be a sticky situation to be in.

It's even funnier that it got you

Hi, All!

See now? As soon as the word "sex" is inculded in the title, EVERYBODY hops on board!

Thanks!

Haha yep, people are really perverted. :)

Yea, out of all the jokes I have posted in the past couple of days this one has gotten the most recognition.

Yea, out of all the jokes I have posted in the past couple of days this one has gotten the most recognition.

Says a lot about people. HAHA.

You could use it as a psychology or sociology study.

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Bob. "He's in my bowling league."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

"Geez Bob, you picked up a real b!tch this time."

Bob's funeral will be on Friday

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey and orders a drink.

While he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it into his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole!

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, What?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table.....WHOLE!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, " replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight. The little bastard. Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, and then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar, grabs it, sticks it up it's butt, pulls it out, and then eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, What?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his arse, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, " replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first!

So, what else are you going to steal out of my dryer, ohsohappy?

Thanks!

So, what else are you going to steal out of my dryer, ohsohappy?

Thanks!

Well, If I like one of your band t-shirts or a warm fuzzy towel, I'll consider stealing those too.

I avoid underwear. You never REALLY know what's been on them.

Stealing socks is just funny.
You have one, but WAIT! Where did the other go? Could have sworn you put them in as a pair.

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder.

This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung out his window and gave her the finger.

“Man, that guy is stupid” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and just wave whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here’s why:

I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that’s 76 miles. Of these, 16 each way is bumper-to-bumper; most of the bumper-to-bumper is on 8 lane highway. So if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like one car very 40 feet per lane. That’s 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars on the areas not bumper-to-bumper.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.

Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that’s 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That’s 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that’s 449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that’s 98. 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that’s 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period and is armed.

No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn’t DREAM of giving her the finger

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. 

The telephone repairman proceed ed to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. 

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and 
The telephone began to ring. 

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairm an found: 

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar. 

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called. 

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate. 

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning. 

Thought you'd like to know

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened when she brings it.
---------------------------------------- -------------------------! --
Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
---------------------------------------- ---------------------------
Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
---------------------------------------- ---------------------------
Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
---------------------------------------- ---------------------------
Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
---------------------------------------- ---------------------------
Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
---------------------------------------- ---------------------------
Q: What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A: A woman who won't do what she's told.
---------------------------------------- ---------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
---------------------------------------- ---------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
---------------------------------------- ---------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
---------------------------------------- --------------- ------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
---------------------------------------- ---------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested

I always thought the trolls were stealing them! But, now I know...

Thanks!

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That is right,” said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked.
“Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.”
“Correct,” replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I’m doing now?”
“Yes,” she said. “You’re getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

The world needs more respectful men like you :)

I always thought the trolls were stealing them! But, now I know...

Thanks!

I spread that rumor myself to keep people off my trail. I don't want a mob of angry people with pitchforks and torches waiting outside my door just because of some sock stealing. :)

I figured, if the trolls are stealing the underwear, they might as well be blamed for the socks too!

I also spread a rumor around about dryer gnomes too. My friends believe it. :D
Tee-hee-hee

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, They're too tired to
Continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to
Sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them
A bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.

He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms
Certainly aren't worth $350.00!

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that
The hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference
Center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.
'Well, they are here, and you could have,'
Explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have
Taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best
Entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform
Here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,
'complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies,
'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and
Agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.


The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.'

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00 for
Sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have.'

The world needs more respectful men like you :)

I am definitely taking this in to consideration

>  A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the
> man opposite her was smiling at her.  She immediately moved to another
> seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.  The
> man seemed more amused.  When on the fourth move, the man burst out
> laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
>
> The case came up in court.
>
> The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say
> for himself.
>
> The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the
> lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.  She sat
> down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I
> grinned.  Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's
> Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed
> herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the
> Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.  But, Your Honor, when She
> moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber
> could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.'
>
> 'CASE DISMISSED! '

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

Were you aware this is on home page and not in forum? :)

Hahahhahaaaaaaaaaaaa

Now that was funny Friend

Glad you liked it Adam :)


Ok another but I'll let you guess...

If Whoopi Goldberg married Peter Cushing she would be..?

I spread that rumor myself to keep people off of my trail. I don't want a mob of angry people with pitchforks and torches waiting outside my door just because of some sock stealing. :)

I figured, if the trolls are stealing the underwear, they might as well be blamed for the socks too!

I also spread a rumor around about dryer gnomes too. My friends believe it. :D
Tee-hee-hee

I believe it! :D

Thanks!

What do you mean?

Glad you liked it. It gave me a good laugh

I still have to spread some rep Friend sorry but that is great.

FUNNY... I loved it... even if I am a pregnant woman!

If the candy tastes bad , you can stop eating IT...

Those were some good ones. Never heard Halloween humor before.

Classic!

Cute

Smart monkey!

I have used that excuse before... and I got out of the ticket!

LOL! I read that one before in an email forward.

Lol

George bush and bill clinton getting it on... lol... the visions.

george bush and bill clinton getting it on...lol...the visions.

Eww! Lol

Sounds like he was hoping more people would be drinking and driving so he could meet his quota.

Note to all... get wasted and drive, it makes some cops happy.

Oh, the dog gets let in first. Cute. Like that.

Very amusing!

Obviously!

How pitty!

Too bad the bad word was censored out.

I needed a good laugh. Thanks ;)

It is getting closer to Halloween so I thought it couldn't hurt

george bush and bill clinton getting it on...lol...the visions.

Not something I wanted to envision

Thanks for pointing that out NK. I didn't even read through it to see if it had any, I just posted it because I read it when I received it in email awhile back. It should be fixed now.

Woo! Go george bush! Feeling sorry for clinton though.

:thumbsup: :)

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs... these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes and says, "Excellent trade, sir.."

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
His lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
My interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were
Supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
Assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety..?

WAY TOO COOL!  Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
Button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
The blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
The face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
Couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There
I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
Soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
Needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must
Admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
Thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
 
This thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
 
Some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?


So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
Glasses perched delicately y on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
Hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
Would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
Supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
Three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
Ground like a fish out of water.
 

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
Less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with
Two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible
Way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
Best..

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
Side as to say, 'don't do it dipsh!t,' reasoning that a one second burst
From such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided
To give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.. I touched the
Prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and. .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION.. .
 
WHAT THE HELL!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
Up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
Over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
Position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
Testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
The oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing
Sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging
Above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by
My body flopping all over the living
Room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
Note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
Yourself!  You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
By a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would
Be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
That point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
Surveyed the landscape. My bent
Reading glasses were on the mantel of
The fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
Originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
Twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
Bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
Sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
Believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
Offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift,
And now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!
 
 
 
ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS...

Nice one Adam :D

Thank you Shaz

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
>> > his
>> > toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
>> > 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
>> > heaven?'
>> >
>> > Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
> and
>> > watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the
>> > comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
>> >
>> > Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
>> > adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.  Frustrated,
> she
>> > started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
>> >
>> > The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door
> and
>> > there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your
>> > Grandma home?'
>> >
>> > The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
> boyfriend.'
>> >
>> > The minister fainted

I like it ,very cute.
I love a joke that I can tell my 85 year old Mom!

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:    

 
Dear Grand-daughter,
       
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.
       
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
       
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
       
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
Thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
       
It  is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
Honked,  I'd never have noticed.
       
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
       
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like  crazy,
And then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
       
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
       
Everyone started honking!
       
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
       
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
       
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the  air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
       
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
       
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
       
My grandson burst out laughing.
       
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
       
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
When I noticed the light had changed.
       
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
Through  the intersection.
       
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
Before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
Them after all the love we had shared.
       
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.  Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
       
Will write again soon,
       
Love,  Grandma

 

Thanks. I'm glad you like it . There is another one titled Grandma and jesus I just posted

I love it! LOL!

Oh crap. Something didn't work right and I didn't get it all posted. Let me fix it and then you can finish it. Ok? Sorry

Ok, it is fixed. For some reason it wouldn't let me post it all at once, I had to do a little at a time

This has got to be one of the funniest things I have EVER read!!

This sounds real.I can see any number of the men in my life doing something like that !

I know I would be tempted. I have one of those electric fly swatters and not only was I tempted but I touched it a time or two or three.

Then there are the electric fence stories.

Haha!

This is farking hilarious.


Sarah

If you are left-handed, use your left foot and hand. How smart is your right foot? You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this!! It is from an orthopedic surgeon... This will boggle your mind and you will keep you trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It's pre-programmed in your brain!

1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY... ) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles. 2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air withyour righthand Your foot will change direction. I told you so!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

Great Humor, I am running out of things to post so sorry. I know most weren't the greatest but hey it was time consuming.

Hahaha. That's pretty awesome. Thanks. I'll be using it.

I know as a female I have thought about touching the electric fly swater and the tazer but then my brain kicks in and I'm like um... HELL NO this is going to hurt lol

That was great and riveting at the same time.:D

No problem, I find it amusing. Especially when you have others try it or catch them trying it later when they think nobody else is looking. I caught my boss doing it later after I sent it to him in email

So, who is going to go home and try this?

I heard about this a long time ago and tried it and I still crack up every time my foot turns. You don't even realize it's happening.:eek::D:p

:d

Loved it

Great didn't see it coming, laughed, read it again and laughed again.

Nice try on Bobs part:cool:

Ewwwwww

I just don't understand why I have to picture everything!:eek:

Why do women wear make-up and perfume?

Because they're ugly and smelly.:)

LMAO ! I love it,I didn't see that coming!

I hope that's not true:eek:

Nice

Don't you just love the twist in jokes?

>25 threads merged<

Blimey bordering on a tinned meat product there ;)

Sorry to cause you so much trouble Ben!

No worries, better to post all on one thread ;)

I should have done that but I didn't even think about it. Well, I just hope people get a laugh out of it.