Dear Friends,

Just yesterday I found out that my wife had an affair with a colleague of hers. In her email I found sexually charged messages depicting their activities. It's the absolute worst feeling to ever have, to have in a split sec the perception of all that you thought your world was change to something worse on a terrible scale. I confronted her and she "convinced" me that it was just flirting that had gone too far and I was misreading the exchanges. She told me how sorry she was and that she loved me and wanted to make things right.

Things didn't sit right with me and later on in the day I did some more research and I found that she was having an affair with this colleague. She sent emails to her friend "bragging" about the affair and how "hot" it was to have a "Lover" teaching her new tricks. To go through this a second time, I wish this not upon my worst enemy. I confronted her about this with the more damning evidence and she told me that it had been going on for a month and really has only ended because I found out.

I don't know if I can forgive this. She told me that this occurred because of the neglect and unfullfillment of the marriage. I knew things weren't perfect for us, but didn't expect this in my wildest dreams. I find myself full of anger, saddness, betrayl, guilt. Its been the most terrible rollercoaster these last few hours and I'm scared as to where it will end.

I've told her not to have any contact with this colleague. She wants to change things as I understand and work on fixing our marriage. I'm just not sure I do. I'm a very trusting person and right now that trust is shattered. I'm constantly paranoid as to what is happening at work, whether they are still meeting, if she's late is she with him? Its just eating me alive.

Please help

Its awful when we find out we ve been betrayed.How did you come across the emails?And what was nt going too well in the marriage?Had your communication broken down?
You could suggest couples counselling if you think your marriage is worth saving.
Talk to people you trust so that you can get these emotions off your chest
Try to make your mind up whether you truly want to stay in this marriage..

She had gone to bed and her BB went off, so I went to turn it off and came across a message from the person. Then my curiosity led me to look through all the messages and come the whole string.

I do want to stay in the marriage but right now I'm so disgusted by the details I can't begin to trust her, let alone touch her. I see that she is hurt and I should be comforting her, but at this time I just can't bring myself to do it.

Give yourself some time to find some kind of equilibrium.
Maybe one of you should move out for a while so that both of you can take some serious thinking time.

I also know that this affects not just us but our families. Right now we have no kids, but I don't want to go out in public nor do I want to attend social functions. Clearly our families will know of our situation. Do we disclose our issues to them or deal with it on our own?

That would depend on what kind of relationship you have with your families.
Its generally not a good idea bottling things up.Personally Id discuss the situation with the people Im close to.

Do you have aclose friend you can tak to,or family member?

Perhaps a pastor?

Your hurt and confused right now,if talk to someone who's knows you well it might help you org your thoughts.

There are advantages of the objective nature of AMHD,however I also feel that you need face to face conversation about this matter.

Also,emotional support,and the ear of a friend.

This is a horrible place to be in and I don't envy you at all.

The first thing to do, I believe, is wait before you take any action. Speak to a trusted friend or relative about what has happened and express your grief and anger. You will probably be in shock for a while.

Let your wife know that if she honestly intends to break off this affair then she has to prove to you that she has done so. No more lies. Perhaps she can take some leave from work to put distance between her and the colleague.

Your wife needs to take responsibility for what she has done. It's all very well to blame you but she could have talked to you about her unhappiness and concerns. Once you have gained some composure there will need to be a lot of talking and a lot of honesty.

I would suggest you make an appointment to see marriage counselor immediately. If she is genuine about saving the marriage then she need to commit to you and working this through with you.

Only then will you be able to decide if you can trust her again.